1 00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:04,546 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:04,629 --> 00:00:06,006 NELSON: Haw-haw! 3 00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,300 D'oh! 4 00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:10,510 (tires screeching) 5 00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:12,137 (grunts) 6 00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:15,306 (gentle lullaby version of "The Simpsons Theme" playing) 7 00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:32,157 (sucking) 8 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,076 (humming) 9 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:39,039 (humming) 10 00:00:40,373 --> 00:00:42,876 (humming) 11 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,046 (humming) 12 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:52,135 (screaming) 13 00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:54,304 ♪ ♪ 14 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,477 NARRATOR: It was the biggest scandal 15 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,480 in the history of Springfield sports. 16 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:07,192 Never has someone fallen from such heights to such lows, 17 00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:10,195 except maybe for that tightrope walker who sneezed. 18 00:01:10,278 --> 00:01:11,196 That was terrible. 19 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:16,076 {\an8}This situation is a disgusting mockery 20 00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:19,454 {\an8}of a repulsive joke that would make me sick to my stomach 21 00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:22,373 {\an8}if there was there was one good restaurant in this town, 22 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:23,875 {\an8}which there is not! 23 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:26,461 {\an8}(stammers) There is nothing to vomit. 24 00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,672 {\an8}NARRATOR: And all because of one young man. 25 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,008 {\an8}Okay, so I shaved points in basketball. 26 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,552 {\an8}Just don't make a big production of it. 27 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,097 {\an8}NARRATOR: This is 22 for 30. 28 00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:39,349 (dramatic orchestral music) 29 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,025 {\an8}My son is a handful. 30 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,527 {\an8}Can you say that on TV? 31 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:54,030 {\an8}No one ever thought he'd work for gamblers with the mob. 32 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,533 {\an8}I always thought he'd work for gamblers with the mob. 33 00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:58,701 {\an8}In the morning, we saw the horrors 34 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,954 {\an8}of the beaches at Iwo Jima. 35 00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:02,831 DIRECTOR: This is a sports documentary. 36 00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:04,290 I'm getting there! 37 00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:06,167 In my unit, they called me "Quarterback." 38 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:09,170 Because when I borrowed a quarter, I never gave it back. 39 00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:13,967 At the end of the war, I had a buck 75, and no friends. 40 00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:16,177 {\an8}(distorted) I remember it like it was yesterday. 41 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,096 {\an8}Or maybe the day before that. 42 00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:20,098 It all started with a prank. 43 00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:22,475 Bart had no idea where it would lead. 44 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,644 This voice is scaring me. 45 00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:26,146 I need Puppy Goo-Goo! 46 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,691 (normal voice) Safety kiss! 47 00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:32,193 I think I'll be okay. 48 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,237 (distorted) I love you. 49 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,405 (distorted scream) 50 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,907 {\an8}Yeah, so here was the quote, unquote "prank." 51 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:41,411 {\an8}Bart sent out a memo telling everyone to wear white 52 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:45,123 {\an8}for some nonsense called Polar Bear Remembrance Day. 53 00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:46,499 {\an8}(chuckles) Yes. 54 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,002 Then the little dickens sent Skinner 55 00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:51,504 a different memo telling him to wear 56 00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:55,550 a floral shirt in honor of King Kamehameha's birthday. 57 00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:58,178 (stammers) Had it ended there, fine. 58 00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,971 {\an8}Pleasant conclusion to a busy week. 59 00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:02,098 {\an8}But it didn't end there. 60 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,892 {\an8}Now, don't worry, 61 00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:06,936 {\an8}all the bees want are flowers. 62 00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:09,939 {\an8}(bees buzzing) 63 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,566 {\an8}Willie, kill the bees! 64 00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:14,110 {\an8}Not till I hear their side of it. 65 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:17,947 {\an8}NARRATOR: Bart received the longest detention in history. 66 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,950 {\an8}Bored, he began to shoot baskets, 67 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:24,245 {\an8}a talent that would irrevocably make his life better. 68 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,289 {\an8}Then worse, then better, then the same. 69 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,666 ♪ Wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat ♪ 70 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,210 ♪ And a '64 Impala ♪ 71 00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:31,878 {\an8}♪ I wish I was, like, six-foot-nine ♪ 72 00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:34,547 {\an8}♪ So I can get with Leoshi, 'cause she don't know me ♪ 73 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:35,840 {\an8}♪ But, yo, she's really fine ♪ 74 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,300 {\an8}♪ You know I see her all the time ♪ 75 00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:39,093 {\an8}♪ Everywhere I go, and even in my dreams ♪ 76 00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,762 {\an8}♪ I can scheme up ways to make her mine ♪ 77 00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:42,263 {\an8}♪ 'Cause I know she's livin' phat ♪ 78 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:43,973 {\an8}♪ Her boyfriend's tall and he plays ball ♪ 79 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,934 {\an8}♪ So how am I gonna compete with that? ♪ 80 00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:48,603 {\an8}A troubled young man who was good at basketball. 81 00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:50,104 {\an8}I'd never heard of such a thing. 82 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,481 {\an8}Of course, his detention was commuted, 83 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,441 {\an8}and he was made a starter on the team. 84 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:57,528 {\an8}That's my son! My son! 85 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,322 {\an8}Which is, of course, another version of me! 86 00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:01,241 {\an8}(crowd cheering) 87 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,826 {\an8}Him! Me! Us! Me! 88 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:07,455 {\an8}NARRATOR: Everywhere Bart went, he was given star treatment. 89 00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:09,040 {\an8}At school... 90 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:12,585 {\an8}(grunts) 91 00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:16,381 {\an8}(grunts) 92 00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:18,508 {\an8}...at the public pool... 93 00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:20,093 {\an8}(Bart laughing) 94 00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:21,094 {\an8}(Bart grunts) 95 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,221 {\an8}It's really not that dangerous. 96 00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:25,390 {\an8}(laughing) 97 00:04:25,473 --> 00:04:27,267 NARRATOR: ...with local merchants. 98 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,102 Oh, young basketball star, 99 00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:30,895 I have something special for you. 100 00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,940 The new 7,200-ounce Squishy. 101 00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:37,110 NARRATOR: But not everyone was celebrating the Bart-mitzvah. 102 00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:39,237 {\an8}I got an assignment: write an article 103 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:42,115 {\an8}on the school's new hero, Bart Simpson. 104 00:04:42,198 --> 00:04:43,908 (sighs) This is worse than 105 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,286 when we were square-dance partners in gym. 106 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:47,996 ♪ Grab your partner nice and slow ♪ 107 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:49,289 ♪ Allemande left and ♪ 108 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:52,292 (slows, distorts) ♪ Do-si-doh ♪ 109 00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,711 {\an8}♪ That's the last time I had work ♪ 110 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,421 {\an8}♪ Now I'm just a homeless jerk ♪ 111 00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:57,964 ♪ Allemande left and prance to the right ♪ 112 00:04:58,047 --> 00:04:58,923 (cat yowls) 113 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,550 ♪ I need a place to spend the night ♪ 114 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,468 NARRATOR: Springfield had never won 115 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,887 a championship in any sport. 116 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,973 The only banner on the gym wall 117 00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:09,142 was one that came with the building. 118 00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:11,144 But now, there was a shot. 119 00:05:11,227 --> 00:05:14,230 I was so proud of Bart, I did anything I could 120 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,481 to help him practice. 121 00:05:16,357 --> 00:05:17,233 Mm! 122 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,484 But then it happened. 123 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,403 Fame went to Bart's head. 124 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:23,573 Just once, I'd like to see science go to his head. 125 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:26,868 He's got more D's than Dolly Parton! 126 00:05:26,951 --> 00:05:29,245 I'm not sure what that means, but please use the joke. 127 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,331 I paid someone 25 bucks for it. 128 00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:32,623 (music playing over earbuds) 129 00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,001 Bart Simpson, can ya please join the team? 130 00:05:35,084 --> 00:05:37,170 Man, I am the team. 131 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,796 Aw, that tears it! 132 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,214 I'm not coaching anymore! 133 00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:42,050 I'm going back to what I love doing: 134 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:44,344 drowning gophers. 135 00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:47,180 (whistling) 136 00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:48,848 Aah! What was that for?! 137 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:51,142 Our new coach will be parent-volunteer 138 00:05:51,225 --> 00:05:53,269 and Bart owner, Homer Simpson. 139 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,520 (reporters gasp) 140 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,022 Do you know anything about basketball? 141 00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:57,023 Why the change? 142 00:05:57,106 --> 00:05:58,691 What is your basketball philosophy? 143 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:01,778 Shower at home so no one makes fun of your weenie. 144 00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:04,155 I learned that from the late great Red Auerbach. 145 00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:06,240 No more questions! 146 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:07,533 D'oh! 147 00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:10,244 What the hell is that thing doing in a gym?! 148 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,704 Your new coach, everybody! 149 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,040 Bart got a coach who would kiss his butt 150 00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:17,043 like one cheek was Kobe and the other Kareem. 151 00:06:17,126 --> 00:06:19,545 Well, there is no "I" in "team." 152 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:21,631 There's no "U" in "effort." 153 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:23,216 There's no "X" in "dog"! 154 00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:25,259 What do Oscar the Grouch's feet look like? 155 00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:26,469 Nobody knows! 156 00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,263 I have a TV for Bart Simpson. 157 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,766 (sighs) Just put it with the others. 158 00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:34,185 I'm worried he's getting a little spoiled. 159 00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:36,354 HOMER: Oh, that's ridiculous. 160 00:06:36,437 --> 00:06:38,231 Excuse me, sir. 161 00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:41,067 Bart says no unauthorized photography. 162 00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:43,486 Don't look directly at him! 163 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:45,405 (Taser zapping) 164 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:47,740 ♪ ♪ 165 00:06:50,993 --> 00:06:52,537 NARRATOR: As Bart's showboating veered 166 00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:54,414 ever closer to globetrotting, 167 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,374 the disrespect grew. 168 00:06:56,457 --> 00:06:58,126 Can you clean that for me, Coach? 169 00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,002 And that, and that, and those, 170 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,130 and that, and that. 171 00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:04,048 What are you looking at? 172 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,758 HOMER: What the...?! 173 00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,344 NARRATOR: But after one showboat shot too many, 174 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:12,598 Homer Simpson had something he'd never had before: enough. 175 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:16,436 Uh, son, some of the other parents are complaining. 176 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,438 Apparently, they're attached to their children, 177 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,440 and they want to see them touch the ball. 178 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,942 They can touch it in the team photo. 179 00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:24,777 I'm going to draw up a play. 180 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,612 One where you pass. 181 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:29,699 Why don't you pass a physical, you boozy bag of goo? 182 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:32,493 Marge is right. You're getting spoiled! 183 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,954 Before you strangle me, maybe you should check the scoreboard. 184 00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:39,333 I'm your dad and your coach. 185 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:41,335 And because no one else would, your godfather. 186 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:42,962 So hit the bench! 187 00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:46,090 NARRATOR: When we return, the interesting part. 188 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,762 From now on, you're going to be a team player, 189 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,681 no more important than anyone. 190 00:07:53,764 --> 00:07:55,099 Except Milhouse. 191 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,310 I'm on the team 'cause it's my ball. 192 00:07:57,393 --> 00:07:59,395 NARRATOR: Certain people had begun to notice 193 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,564 Bart's unhappiness. 194 00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:05,776 People with criminal backgrounds. 195 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,738 They had more records than Dolly Parton. 196 00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:12,325 Man, that is a joke that keeps on giving. 197 00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,452 This is gonna break my heart, but... 198 00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,120 (groans) 199 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:18,623 Yeah, the kid was ripe for criminal exploitation. 200 00:08:18,706 --> 00:08:21,209 And in this town, the other cops are pathetic. 201 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,711 Fat, lazy. You want to find one? 202 00:08:23,794 --> 00:08:26,964 Just follow the sound of a milkshake being sucked. 203 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,845 (slurping) 204 00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,764 {\an8}There's no belt that fits me. 205 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:37,266 {\an8}I'm wearing police tape around my waist. 206 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:40,811 {\an8}I saw the kid was upset, so I took him for cannoli. 207 00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:42,480 {\an8}That's not a crime. 208 00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:43,981 {\an8}(whispers) You don't know what a crime is. 209 00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:46,442 {\an8}Not that I'd know what a crime is. 210 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,693 (whispers indistinctly) 211 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:49,737 What's with all the psst-psst-psst? 212 00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:52,907 Have you sprung a leak, or do you want to? 213 00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:54,951 (whispers) I don't think that's advisable to say that. 214 00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,995 I've been told I was just kidding. 215 00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:01,123 Fat Tony, enjoy this-a cannoli on-a the house. 216 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:04,627 It's like eating the bone-a marrow of an angel. 217 00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,671 Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! 218 00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:09,632 NARRATOR: They talked about life and basketball, 219 00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:12,593 a game Fat Tony had always loved. 220 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,845 Basketball is just like life. 221 00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:18,474 It's filled with a court, shooting, and guards. 222 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,850 (whispers indistinctly) 223 00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:22,812 Basketball is nothing like life. 224 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:26,190 NARRATOR: Fat Tony saw an opening, and he took it. 225 00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,234 {\an8}FAT TONY: 226 00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:32,822 {\an8}BART: 227 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:36,284 {\an8}FAT TONY: 228 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,035 {\an8}BOTH: 229 00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:39,745 NARRATOR: And at his next game, 230 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:42,123 Bart did a very odd thing. 231 00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:44,667 DREDERICK TATUM: And with Springfield up by a meager one point, 232 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:45,918 star guard Bart Simpson 233 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,545 is just dribbling, he's not shooting, 234 00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:48,754 with two minutes to go. 235 00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,965 ♪ ♪ 236 00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,723 {\an8}I don't know how, but Homer gained 12 pounds 237 00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,266 {\an8}chewing towels. 238 00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:02,518 I put jelly on 'em. 239 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,811 (whistle blows) 240 00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:06,188 Time expired! 241 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,941 Bart didn't know it, but he was point shaving. 242 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,735 That's when a player wins the game, 243 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,362 {\an8}but makes sure his team doesn't cover the spread. 244 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,741 The team's happy, the gamblers are happy, everybody wins. 245 00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,784 The only unhappy person is someone like me, 246 00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,620 who has to explain the thing. 247 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,456 Well, at least you'll let me play my saxophone. 248 00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:24,707 (inhales deeply) 249 00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,250 Good thing you cut that song. 250 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:30,087 Did you know I once took a train halfway across Cleveland? 251 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,089 NARRATOR: This is not a video trick. 252 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,799 He really just stopped moving, 253 00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,427 but Bart had just gotten started. 254 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:37,845 ♪ ♪ 255 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,738 You could be an accessory to a crime, you know. 256 00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,573 Are you letting your anger at Dad 257 00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,159 make you into a patsy for the mob? 258 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,078 Hey, Bart Simpson is nobody's patsy. 259 00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:06,040 Hey, Bart, Fat Tony says to win by less than six points. 260 00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:08,793 Here's a list of acceptable point differentials. 261 00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:10,836 It could be five, four, three... 262 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,047 You realize you're having this conversation 263 00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:14,298 in front of a reporter. 264 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:15,883 Hey, I don't see no reporter. 265 00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:18,719 I see a little girl with futile dreams of fitting in. 266 00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:21,806 Gee whiz, you don't have to be so mean. 267 00:11:21,889 --> 00:11:24,558 That's the business I'm in! Whoa! Hey! 268 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,188 (calliope music playing) 269 00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:39,407 Shoot! Shoot! Just like I drew it up! 270 00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:40,991 Okay, here's a shot: 271 00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:44,078 you're not bald, your hair left out of embarrassment. 272 00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:46,080 -Why, you little...! -(choking) 273 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:47,498 (crowd gasps) 274 00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:48,416 (crowd cheers) 275 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,334 (buzzer blares) 276 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:53,254 I'll teach you to win the game! 277 00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:55,256 You stupid buzzer-beating, clutch-shooting... 278 00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:56,507 Oh, come on, man. 279 00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:58,509 -...ice water in your veins... -I'm taking my talents to Shelbyville. 280 00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:00,511 ...here comes the post-game interview! 281 00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:02,638 This is the first thing you've done as a coach. 282 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,765 You have to give them credit! They played hard! 283 00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,809 -People are gonna hear about this, Dad. -I'm so proud of these boys, 284 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:09,603 -and especially our sixth man... -You're still nicer than Bobby Knight. 285 00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:10,813 ...the fans! 286 00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,857 All right, let me hear your side. 287 00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:15,359 Sorry, my side is exclusive to my charity, 288 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,069 The American Fart Association. 289 00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:17,987 Why, you little...! 290 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,655 (grunting) 291 00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:24,243 (laughing) 292 00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:25,786 Checkmate. 293 00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:27,329 (laughs) 294 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:28,914 D'oh! 295 00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:31,792 NARRATOR: But the boy who could spin a ball with his doodle 296 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,003 was about to learn a very tough lesson. 297 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,341 {\an8}BART: 298 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,427 {\an8}FAT TONY: 299 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,139 {\an8}BART: 300 00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:48,225 NARRATOR: Fat Tony denied he'd made any money, 301 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:52,062 but this FBI footage suggests otherwise. 302 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:54,064 I thought I was just keeping the score down 303 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:55,232 to get back at my Dad, 304 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,985 but Fat Tony was betting against us, every game. 305 00:12:58,068 --> 00:12:59,695 I was a patsy. 306 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,238 Ow! She didn't mean that. 307 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,824 D'oh! Ow! Ow! 308 00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:14,335 I was scared. Milhouse scared. 309 00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:17,171 Why do you keep cutting to me? 310 00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:19,006 And then it got worse. 311 00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:20,883 Fat Tony told me to lose the finals. 312 00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:24,011 Not win by a little, but lose... or else. 313 00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:25,262 "Or else"? 314 00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:27,556 My client does not speak like that. 315 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,684 Yeah, now drop the subject, or else. 316 00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:33,145 Edit that out, or else. 317 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:36,148 I-I'm gonna stop talking... or else. 318 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,191 Damn it. 319 00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:39,985 NARRATOR: What did Fat Tony say to Bart? 320 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:43,364 His capo, Johnny Tightlips, refused to talk. 321 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:49,829 Anyone here own a black Lincoln Continental, 322 00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:52,122 license plate, "Zero to Say"? 323 00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,332 It's being towed. 324 00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:54,625 Sir, you're the only one here. 325 00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,001 I saw you get out of it. 326 00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:57,545 Yeah, maybe it is. Maybe I am. 327 00:13:57,628 --> 00:13:59,046 Maybe you did. Or maybe it's not. 328 00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,422 And I'm not, and you didn't. 329 00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:01,882 But you didn't hear this, that, or the other thing. 330 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,092 Or maybe you did. 331 00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:05,845 Hey! My granny's in there! 332 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,597 Shaving points was one thing, but he wanted me to lose. 333 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,559 I let down my team. I let down my town. 334 00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:24,363 So, I guess this is where I break down and cry. 335 00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:27,908 (crying) 336 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:30,077 Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to cry. 337 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,663 No. This is my story. 338 00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:34,415 -Tighten on me. -Tighten on me. 339 00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:37,209 Fine. Tighten on him then rack focus to me. 340 00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:40,212 Dad, this is supposed to be about us getting together. 341 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,381 Fine. Tighten on him. Rack focus to me. 342 00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:43,549 Cut to a wide shot. 343 00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:44,884 Split screen with Marge. 344 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,385 Truck in, nice and slow. 345 00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:49,221 Then cut to a "B" roll of me eating a tuna fish sandwich. 346 00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,557 Dad, how did you learn these things? 347 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,143 Son, show business is everybody's business. 348 00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,979 Dutch angle, photo negative and freeze! 349 00:14:57,062 --> 00:15:00,149 I'm a excommation point! 350 00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:02,818 In the gym that night, you could cut the tension with a knife, 351 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,404 but, uh, we don't allow knives in school, 352 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:06,739 not even in metaphors. 353 00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:09,408 ♪ We got to fight the powers that be ♪ 354 00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:10,951 ♪ Fight the power ♪ 355 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:13,913 ♪ Fight the power ♪ 356 00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:16,165 (crowd cheering) 357 00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,753 ANGER WATKINS: Another bucket by Bart Simpson! 358 00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,671 His sloppy play is a distant memory, 359 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,340 like Nelson's father. 360 00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:25,799 Yeah, interesting side note: 361 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,719 Nelson left a ticket for his father in case he showed up. 362 00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:31,305 And he did show up, but then he sold the ticket 363 00:15:31,388 --> 00:15:33,807 without seeing Nelson, and he skipped town again. 364 00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,017 You believe that? 365 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,061 Rejected! 366 00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:38,270 Like I've been rejected. 367 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,272 Nothing but net! 368 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,024 Which is what my mom wears in the strip club. 369 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:45,194 {\an8}It was in the third quarter when the game really got weird, 370 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,488 {\an8}and I got a low bar for weird. 371 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,281 (grunts) 372 00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:51,659 Bart went to shoot, and took a hard foul 373 00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,202 from his own best friend. 374 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,162 ♪ ♪ 375 00:16:05,714 --> 00:16:10,135 Let's just say Bart wasn't the only one Fat Tony had gotten to. 376 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,554 This was my bobblehead. 377 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:16,809 They got to him, in my bedroom, where he bobbled. 378 00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:18,811 Hey, let's just say that bobblehead 379 00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:21,480 won't be attending no more giveaway days. 380 00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,399 {\an8}You keep shooting your mouth, 381 00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:26,610 {\an8}you'll wind up in that building going up on Third Street. 382 00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:29,738 {\an8}It's a Third Street address, but actually you enter on Lincoln. 383 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,991 {\an8}Yet another secret revealed! 384 00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:34,535 I'm sorry, Dad. I was a jerk. 385 00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:36,578 The good thing about being a kid 386 00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:39,832 is you get to make mistakes so you don't make them as an adult. 387 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,000 Thanks, Dad. 388 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,710 But don't you still make mistakes? 389 00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:46,171 The best one was you, son. Aw. 390 00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:47,506 Now go win that game! 391 00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:49,967 NARRATOR: And win he did. 392 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,179 He blew our net budget for the next ten years. 393 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,640 (buzzer blares) 394 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:59,059 NARRATOR: But not everyone was cheering. 395 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:00,436 Is he going for a gun? 396 00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:01,562 (sighs) Oh. 397 00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,188 -Get me a gun. -(screams) 398 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:04,857 We thought we were goners. 399 00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:07,526 Our lives flashed before our eyes. 400 00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:09,611 I had a lot of crazy jobs. 401 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,281 And then the cavalry came on her stupid high horse. 402 00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:13,699 LISA: Let them go. 403 00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:16,910 Really? And what do you have on me? 404 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:17,953 The goods. 405 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,913 The goods? Oh, that sounds bad. 406 00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:22,624 Fat Tony, may I speak to you in Italian? 407 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,418 I don't know Italian. 408 00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:25,753 How about Sicilian? 409 00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:26,879 That's a language? 410 00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:28,714 How about I say it like Porky Pig? 411 00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,007 E-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee... 412 00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,550 Say what you got to say. 413 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:34,428 Turns out I'm the hero of this documentary. 414 00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:36,055 I think that deserves a chyron. 415 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,517 It happens that Fat Tony had a secret, 416 00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:43,687 a secret I had uncovered with a little bit of research. 417 00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,690 I wondered, if Fat Tony liked basketball so much, 418 00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:47,941 why didn't he play? 419 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:49,860 Turns out he had. 420 00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:52,154 For a girls' team. 421 00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:55,240 And if there's one thing a Mafia boss doesn't want known, 422 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,659 it's that he was the third-string shooting guard 423 00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:00,120 on the Springfield Little Debbies. 424 00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:04,208 You keep quiet about what you know. 425 00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,001 All of you keep quiet! 426 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,419 Keep quiet about what, boss? 427 00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:08,879 The man-Spanx you wear? 428 00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,131 Your high school nickname, Robert DeZero? 429 00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:13,383 The way you cried at Toy Story 2? 430 00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:14,927 That's not even the sad one. 431 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:16,011 What? What? 432 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,222 Why do you keep talking? 433 00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,057 I'm sorry. It's a nervous condition. 434 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:23,560 Can you give me the name of that secret shrink you see? 435 00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:24,853 So, we made a deal. 436 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,397 I'd forget if Fat Tony forgave. 437 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,274 But now the secret's out. 438 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,859 It's in a documentary. 439 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,487 No one watches those, unless it's a documentary 440 00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:36,240 where a rich guy kills people and no one knows about it. 441 00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:38,242 As far as you know. (chuckles) 442 00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,497 BURNS: I'm guilty, guilty, guilty. 443 00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,082 SMITHERS: Sir, you know you're on mic. 444 00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:46,875 BURNS: Who is this Mike you're speaking of? 445 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,168 We'll kill him, too! 446 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:51,380 NARRATOR: But all sports stories have an upside, 447 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,799 unless you're a Detroit Lions fan. 448 00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:57,594 So this young man, showboat and friend of the mob, 449 00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:00,222 gets off with not even a slap on the wrist. 450 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,350 It's a travesty wrapped in outrage, 451 00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:07,187 marinated in a sauce of everything's gone to hell! 452 00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,023 I admit, it was fun. 453 00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:13,277 For a short time, we had our own little superstar. 454 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,903 And he kept playing. 455 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,322 Then he ran up against one tall kid, 456 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,575 and found out he really wasn't that good. 457 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:23,579 But Lisa, Lisa had a real talent for journalism. 458 00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,122 Whatever that gets us. 459 00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:27,791 Homer, we have to end on something sweet. 460 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:30,502 (lovingly) Whatever that gets us. 461 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:36,466 {\an8}-♪ Now basketball is my favorite sport ♪ -♪ Uh-huh ♪ 462 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:37,926 {\an8}♪ I like the way they dribble up and down the court ♪ 463 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:38,927 {\an8}-♪ Come On ♪ -(whistle blows) 464 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,846 {\an8}♪ I keep it so fresh on the microphone ♪ 465 00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:42,181 {\an8}♪ I like no interruption when the game is on ♪ 466 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,348 {\an8}♪ Game's on ♪ 467 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,851 {\an8}♪ I like slam dunks that take me to the hoop ♪ 468 00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,519 Sorry, y'all. 469 00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,563 ♪ I like the pick-and-roll, I like the give-and-go ♪ 470 00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:52,316 ♪ And it's basketball, Bow Wow, let's go... ♪ 471 00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:54,735 Yeah. Nothing but nerd. 472 00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:56,278 {\an8}♪ All around the world ♪ 473 00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:59,573 {\an8}-♪ We love that basketball ♪ -♪ Yeah... ♪ 474 00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:01,617 {\an8}No, I didn't! 475 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,827 {\an8}♪ Basketball... ♪ 476 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,955 {\an8}I admit it, I was a total boob. 477 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,374 {\an8}Oh! Why do I keep going there? 478 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,502 {\an8}-♪ Let's go ♪ -♪ They're playing basketball ♪ 479 00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:13,921 {\an8}♪ All around the world ♪ 480 00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:15,881 {\an8}♪ We love that basketball... ♪ 481 00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:18,508 NARRATOR: And Nelson's dad came back. 482 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:19,968 And I should know. 483 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,094 He's me. 484 00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,096 Haw-haw! 485 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,973 (gasps) Papa! 486 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,976 (crying) 487 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,687 So, you're making narrator money. 488 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:34,191 That's right, and I brought Nelson a gift. 489 00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:36,568 Sleeves for my vest! 490 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:39,988 Son, you look just like a parole officer. 491 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,950 NARRATOR: And so we were a family again, 492 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,619 just long enough to take this picture. 493 00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:33,959 Shh! 494 00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:40,007 Subtitled by Jimmy Boots