1
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:04,838
(choir singing backwards)

2
00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:11,412
(exclaims)

3
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,447
*

4
00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:18,619
(school bell rings)

5
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:22,056
(belches)

6
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:26,026
-(work whistle blows)
-(screams)

7
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,530
(sucking)

8
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:30,964
(conveyor beeping)

9
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,937
*

10
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,941
(plays jazz melody)

11
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,613
(brakes squeal)

12
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,849
D'oh!

13
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,451
(grunts)

14
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:55,022
(sucking)

15
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,057
*

16
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,497
(Marge grumbling)

17
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:06,967
-Homer.
-Hey.

18
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,569
-Homer.
-Huh? What?

19
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:09,770
I'll be right home.

20
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:10,938
You are home.

21
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,606
(whoops, snores)

22
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,807
Homer.

23
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,276
Homer, wake up, please.

24
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:16,610
I can't sleep.

25
00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:18,746
I'm having friends
over tomorrow.

26
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,215
-Luann Van Houten.
-Back-stabber.

27
00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:23,251
-Bernice Hibbert.
-Snob.

28
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:24,918
And Helen Lovejoy.

29
00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:26,120
Okay, she's pretty hot.

30
00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:27,588
I mean, hot for
a reverend's wife,

31
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,056
but so judgmental.

32
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,591
(sighs)

33
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:33,093
I was going to ask you
if you could watch Maggie.

34
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:34,228
Oh, yeah, of course.

35
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:36,130
What do you suspect?

36
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,432
-(gulps)
-(sucks)

37
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:39,967
Isn't this great?

38
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,769
Daddy-baby alone time.

39
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:44,104
Where's Daddy?
Peek-a-boo.

40
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:46,274
(squeals and laughs)

41
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,742
-Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
-(sighs)

42
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,911
-Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
-Meh.

43
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,113
-Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
-(blows raspberry)

44
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:55,283
Where's Daddy?
Peek-a-boo.

45
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,950
Oh, you're sick of it already?

46
00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:59,086
I was gonna do different people.

47
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,622
Peek-a-boo-ooh!

48
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,457
(with British accent):
I'm afraid, Master Wayne,

49
00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,593
it's time for peek-a-boo.

50
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,094
Ah, come on. Nothing?

51
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,797
Babies love Michael Caine.

52
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,132
What to do? What to do?

53
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,768
What to... do.

54
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:18,339
What... to... do.

55
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:20,941
Mags, I'll level with you.

56
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,310
I love you, kiddo,

57
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:25,112
but we are in two
completely different worlds.

58
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,147
-(gulps)
-(sucks)

59
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:32,486
More lemonade, ladies?

60
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,054
No, thank you.

61
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,990
I've had better lemonade
at Ralph Wiggum's stand.

62
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:38,992
And he stirs it
with his finger.

63
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:41,629
(laughing)

64
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:45,299
So we've been asked to
redecorate the school room

65
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,535
where the kids wait
when their ride is late.

66
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,136
I have some ideas.

67
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,672
Marge, you have many
wonderful talents,

68
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,674
but your sense
of style is, uh...

69
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:56,076
-One of them?
-I'm afraid not.

70
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,011
Purple and orange cupboards,

71
00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,480
oh, corncob curtains,

72
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,515
rabbit ears on the TV.

73
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:03,884
It's like we're visiting
the Flintstones.

74
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,853
(laughing)

75
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:07,688
Well, since you don't like
my style,

76
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:09,657
maybe I should
show you the door.

77
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,726
You mean the brown door
next to the hot pink walls.

78
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,662
Just like at the circus.

79
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,030
Well, an elephant
does live here.

80
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,532
An elephant?

81
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,868
You're calling my husband
an elephant?

82
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,170
HOMER:
Marge, we got any more peanuts?

83
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,205
(groaning):
Oh, Homer.

84
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:27,908
Hmm.

85
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,943
No.

86
00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:32,546
(whistling)

87
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:33,714
What the... ?

88
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,383
(whistling)

89
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,050
Is it that bird?

90
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:40,220
(whistling)

91
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:42,756
-Marge! Are you making tea?
-MARGE: Yes.

92
00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:44,725
-Whew.
-MARGE: Iced tea.

93
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,360
(whimpering):
What the hell?

94
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:47,695
(whistling continues)

95
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,363
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
This is WHIS.

96
00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,365
Whistling at you
all day and night.

97
00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,901
WHIS, The Whistle.

98
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:57,538
Ah. Whistling format radio.

99
00:03:57,571 --> 00:04:00,040
-(whistling continues)
-Huh?

100
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,776
Where is that whistling
coming from?

101
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,547
-(whistles)
-Maggie?

102
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,081
(whistles)

103
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:11,084
(whistles)

104
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:12,586
It is you!

105
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:15,623
It's so odd--
I'm a terrible whistler.

106
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,891
-Always have been.
-(sad whistle)

107
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:20,394
There must be a reason
you were given this gift.

108
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:24,665
(gasps) It's to make people
think I can whistle!

109
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,767
(whistling "1812 Overture")

110
00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:30,571
AUDIENCE (chanting):
Homer! Homer! Homer!

111
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,473
And now I will perform

112
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:36,109
"Flight of the Bumblebee."

113
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,145
(whistling "Flight
of the Bumblebee")

114
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,792
Who was that president?

115
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,327
He looked pretty generic.

116
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:56,764
(grumbles)

117
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,467
I do too have taste.

118
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,835
-I'm afraid not.
-(growls)

119
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:04,004
Corncob curtains.

120
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,639
Mom, what's wrong?

121
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:07,475
Why aren't you answering me?

122
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:08,842
I'm right here.

123
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:11,144
Honey, I'm just
feeling sorry for myself,

124
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,946
but I'll show them.

125
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:16,450
I'll make a late pickup room
like that school has never seen.

126
00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,519
That'll be easy,
there's never been one.

127
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,856
*

128
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:48,115
(brakes squeal)

129
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,388
*

130
00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:57,691
Well, what do you think
of my late pickup room?

131
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,493
It's wonderful.
Hard to believe

132
00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:02,062
it's the same room they found
all those dead rats in.

133
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,997
(laughs)

134
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,233
Well, maybe you can
fool the Hibberts,

135
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,868
but to me, this is
the work of a...

136
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:08,936
Genius.

137
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,672
Salud.

138
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,007
(giggles)
Well, gee.

139
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:16,043
Guess who got a job today.

140
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,210
-You?
-Nope.

141
00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:19,079
The guy who went in after me.

142
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,348
I-I totally set him up.

143
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,885
Listen, I recently purchased
the old post office to renovate.

144
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:29,056
Would you like to be
my interior decorator?

145
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,058
Well, ladies.

146
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,360
Looks like someone
appreciates me--

147
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:36,229
the one man in town
who trims his nails.

148
00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:38,766
Is one of them
giving you trouble?

149
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,701
There's no room
in the trunk, boss.

150
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,202
-Bodies?
-No.

151
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,937
Bottled water
and toilet paper, remember?

152
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:46,239
We made that Costco run.

153
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:48,576
(beautifully whistling
"Old MacDonald Had a Farm")

154
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,077
Now do it backwards.

155
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:51,912
(whistling same tune backwards)

156
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,213
Now sideways.

157
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,748
Hey, come on.
She's just a baby.

158
00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:55,916
Who is?

159
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,050
Uh, my talent.

160
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,285
Makes sense.

161
00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:00,253
Well, well, well.

162
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:03,624
Seems like my no-talent son
can suddenly whistle.

163
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:06,927
Tell me, Homer,
how'd you trill that high "C"

164
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,262
with your lips
in second position?

165
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:11,298
(whistling)

166
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:17,437
Oh, it's amazing.

167
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:23,944
She's got my whistling gene,
all right.

168
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,446
Which, unfortunately,
skips a generation.

169
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,416
I hope it works out better
for you than it did for me.

170
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,319
I was booked on the top
whistling show on radio,

171
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:35,956
Your Blow of Blows,
with Sid Wheezer.

172
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,558
(applause)

173
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,794
Good evening, folks.
Sid Wheezer here,

174
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:43,363
sipping a delicious Buzz Cola.

175
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:46,534
(fizzing, liquid pouring,
cymbal crashes)

176
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,968
Ah, refreshing.

177
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,671
Keep polio at bay,
the Buzz Cola way.

178
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:51,772
(laughter)

179
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:52,973
Oh, thanks a lot.

180
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,141
Our next act is a swell kid

181
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:55,676
from right here in Springfield.

182
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,145
His hobby is straightening
elbow macaroni.

183
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,848
(chuckles) Let's hear it for
Little Abraham Simpson.

184
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:01,849
(applause)

185
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:04,685
(whistles a tune)

186
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,353
GRAMPA:
Then I got cocky.

187
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,322
Tried a little stunt called
the Triple Windy.

188
00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:11,358
(whistling "Heart and Soul"
in harmony)

189
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,467
-(ripping)
-(gasping)

190
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,836
GRAMPA: Blew out the ligaments
in my lips.

191
00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:24,838
Had to hire guys to kiss
my girlfriend.

192
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,339
It was a good deal.

193
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:27,708
I'd pay for five minutes,

194
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,643
but it would go on for hours.

195
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,011
*

196
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,345
When the time was right,

197
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:33,981
I'd make my move.

198
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,016
*

199
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:41,354
But this little magpie,
she's got my gift.

200
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,523
And now she's going
into showbiz.

201
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:44,725
Mwah.

202
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:46,193
Couldn't showbiz screw her up?

203
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,695
You know,
like it did Ron Howard?

204
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:50,664
He hasn't won an Oscar
since 2002.

205
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:53,500
Oh, please, son,
do this for me.

206
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,369
Dad, you should not live your
life through your granddaughter.

207
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:58,405
(whistling "Heart and Soul"
in harmony)

208
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:09,216
You poor guy.
She'll do it.

209
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:14,955
(birds chirping, squawking)

210
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,928
Okay, Maggie.
Time to learn a happy tune

211
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,230
from these imprisoned birds.

212
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,698
(whistles)

213
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,767
(whistles same tune)

214
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,036
Man, Maggie's talented,
Lisa's talented.

215
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,270
What am I good at?

216
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:31,705
The birds love ya.

217
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,573
Well, yeah, but they
also love Grampa.

218
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:38,746
Go ahead, but my blood's
turned to bile

219
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:41,615
from watching Fox News.

220
00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:43,550
(shrieks, thud)

221
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,318
(laughs)

222
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:47,454
This is my new property,

223
00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:50,290
the original
Springfield Post Office,

224
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:53,326
jewel of the implosion district.

225
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,262
(rumbling)

226
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:58,065
You'll get used to that.

227
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,935
We'll definitely want to try
to keep the original facade.

228
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:03,103
Yes, indeed.

229
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:05,773
I'm all about keeping up
facades.

230
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,975
Is it okay if I take some
foundation measurements?

231
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,476
Of course.

232
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,611
In case she sees something
she shouldn't,

233
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,346
have a hood ready.

234
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:15,582
(gun hammers click)

235
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,350
-(gunshot)
-(gasps)

236
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,787
Idiota! You whack
who you shouldn't,

237
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,789
and you don't whack
who you should.

238
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:24,624
(sighs) Is this about
your brother again?

239
00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:26,960
(upbeat showbiz music playing)

240
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,002
You're gonna love this baby!

241
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,304
-She whistles!
-This I gotta hear--

242
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,439
not because I am
looking forward to it,

243
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,508
but because it is my job.

244
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:48,548
-(whistles circus music)
-Fantastic talent!

245
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:51,151
Now, move along--
I have a heart attack at 4:00.

246
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,686
And... here it comes.

247
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,688
Ooh! Oy vey!

248
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,658
("The Simpsons Theme" plays)

249
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,628
You sit on it,
you bought it.

250
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,863
Due!

251
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:06,834
Can you picture
this water feature

252
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,336
at the back wall
of the foyer?

253
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:12,005
My sainted mother
shared your gift.

254
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,474
Where others saw only
an empty Chianti bottle,

255
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,877
she saw a candleholder.

256
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:19,512
We would have to rip out
some walls.

257
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:22,315
-Done. -You won't be seeing
those walls no more.

258
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:25,152
Why do these guys come with us
for everything?

259
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,187
Have you noticed
how we are not dead?

260
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,556
That is mostly due to them.

261
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:31,825
Give the wall job
to the Palermo brothers.

262
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,494
Tell them to make it
look like an accident.

263
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:37,364
We'll make that wall
dig its own grave.

264
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:39,666
(someone whistling arpeggios)

265
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:43,203
(whistled arpeggios continue)

266
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:45,338
What's that whistling?

267
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,207
You know what they say--
in a marriage,

268
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,910
don't ask a question
you don't know the answer to.

269
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:53,013
-That's what they say
to defense attorneys. -Marge,

270
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:56,016
how would you feel
if I kept a big secret from you?

271
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:59,119
How would you feel
if I kept a big secret from you?

272
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,222
-Good night.
-Good night.

273
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,793
(someone whistling arpeggios)

274
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,230
(whistling arpeggios)

275
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,932
Maggie, you can whistle?

276
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,600
(whistles arpeggio)

277
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:16,036
(gasps)
You're gifted, too!

278
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,105
Maybe more gifted!

279
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:20,740
No, no, I will not
get caught in that trap

280
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,776
that only one of us is good.

281
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,412
We could both be good,
like the South Park guys.

282
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,580
Except Trey does everything.

283
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,282
Trey does everything!

284
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:31,618
(panting)

285
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:34,721
(Maggie whistles arpeggio)

286
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,123
Diva.

287
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:37,825
This little piggy

288
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:38,959
went to Broadway.

289
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,228
This little piggy
worked with Stallone.

290
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,331
This little piggy
got a Showtime special!

291
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,599
-(laughing)
-(squealing happily)

292
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,601
I'm a great father.

293
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:51,271
ANNOUNCER: Tonight
on Hollywood Nightmares,

294
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,440
-What?!
-...child stars, prison bars.

295
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,342
-(prison bars clack)
-Ooh!

296
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:58,778
At three months old, Skyler
Green could already patty-cake.

297
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,447
By age one,
she was the opening act

298
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,816
for Frank Sinatra Jr. Jr. III.

299
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:08,121
But after a disastrous
Super Bowl halftime show

300
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:11,258
that left Jacksonville's
EverBank Field in ruins,

301
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:14,161
Skyler's life
would spin out of control.

302
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:15,929
She began a downward spiral,

303
00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,998
woke up too many mornings
with stuffed animals

304
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,867
whose names she didn't know,

305
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,969
and she was arrested twice
for former cuteness,

306
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,670
under the Scott Baio Law.

307
00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:26,006
Patty-cake, patty-cake,
baker's man,

308
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:29,943
bake me a train wreck
just as fast as you can.

309
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,012
Oh, my God.
Am I doing this for you,

310
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:34,181
or because it
makes me feel good?

311
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:38,485
A showbiz kiss!

312
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:41,554
There's nothing more sincere
than that. We'll do it!

313
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:44,691
(ominous music plays)

314
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,366
Marge, I love what
you've done here.

315
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,202
It's as much "Mwah!"

316
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,637
as it is "Ey! Whoa!"

317
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,640
It certainly was a challenge--
so many bedrooms.

318
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,410
You must be expecting
a lot of sleepover guests.

319
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,979
Is she, er, uh,
one of the, uh...?

320
00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:08,148
No, no.
She's the decorator.

321
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,217
But I can get one like her.

322
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:12,385
Add it to my
customer profile.

323
00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:14,254
Er, uh, yes.

324
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:16,323
Dim lighting,

325
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,025
honky-tonk piano...

326
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,726
Anthony D'Amico,

327
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:22,229
what is the repute
of this house?

328
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,663
Ill.

329
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,366
Our top story--
you didn't see me.

330
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,834
This is...

331
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,070
John Doe saying "Good night."

332
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:39,212
Why is everyone being so weird?
Did the principal call?

333
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,014
'Cause he's got nothing
to call about.

334
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:42,215
(phone buzzes)

335
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,051
(animal growling)

336
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:47,054
I can't keep this mountain lion
in my bedroom forever, Bart.

337
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:48,755
Just four more days.

338
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:50,457
(mountain lion yowls)

339
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:53,626
So listen, uh, I'm gonna take
Maggie out for a walk.

340
00:14:56,930 --> 00:15:00,067
These spray-on boas
are such a time-saver.

341
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,437
(spray can hisses)

342
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:06,139
HOMER:
Oh, God, that's good.

343
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:10,643
Seems like everybody's got
a secret but us, huh, guys?

344
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:15,582
*

345
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:17,884
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight, see Maggie Simpson,

346
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,052
the Unborn Comic,

347
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,920
The Umbilical Chords

348
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,255
and the Pixie Chicks.

349
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:23,590
And now your host,

350
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:26,059
Sedgwick the Personality!

351
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,428
Welcome to whatever this is.

352
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,430
Now, let's meet our judges.

353
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:34,067
NBA star
and host of Flip That Igloo,

354
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,603
Muk Mu!

355
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:37,770
Peace.

356
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:39,739
Former Hot Tots champion,

357
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,275
Baby Dimples Riskind!

358
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:46,279
And robotic-themed DJ
Der Zip-Zorp!

359
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,647
(beeping)

360
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:54,354
You had lunch, didn't you?

361
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:56,789
I gave you a 2:00 a.m.
curfew for a reason!

362
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:58,025
Shut up!

363
00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:00,527
(groans)
Where's denial when you need it?

364
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,295
Maggie, this is
no place for you.

365
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:05,832
I'm taking you where you
can be a kid again-- Moe's.

366
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:13,840
Oh, I've created a monster!

367
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,875
I've placated a monster!

368
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,478
Oh...

369
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:21,614
Marge Simpson,
are the rumors true?

370
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:24,017
Did you corncob a cathouse?

371
00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:25,985
It's not that.

372
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:30,223
I sure love that
new whorehouse smell.

373
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:33,160
Marge, I never thought someone
could sink this town lower,

374
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:34,894
but you have.

375
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,896
You lied to me!

376
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,665
You may scare these guys,

377
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:41,368
but to me, you're
just a big fat liar!

378
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,803
Whoa. Nobody calls
Fat Tony fat!

379
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,004
Nobody!

380
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:46,373
In the old country,

381
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:49,176
only two were allowed to
speak truth to the Don--

382
00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:52,512
his capo and his
interior decorator.

383
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:54,414
You are lucky.

384
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:55,815
Now, please leave.

385
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,517
The launch party is tonight.

386
00:16:57,550 --> 00:17:00,253
The Grey Goose people are
bringing a big ice thing.

387
00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:03,856
Well, Anthony, not knowing
what I was designing for,

388
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:06,059
there's something
I didn't tell you.

389
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:08,828
Your mother had
a post office box

390
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,697
at this office.

391
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,234
I don't know whether
to believe you.

392
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:21,074
Oh, looks like a letter
from the pope.

393
00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:29,549
You have surrounded
a blessed letter to your mother

394
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,718
with a bordello!

395
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,720
That's it! Shut it down!

396
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:36,623
Apologize to our dear
friends at Grey Goose.

397
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,693
So, what are you going
to do with my work?

398
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,230
A little "Italian lightning"
for insurance purposes.

399
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:47,300
And that is the last question
of yours we will ever answer.

400
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,736
Good-bye, Mrs. Simpson.

401
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:52,539
Can't you at least wait
until I'm out of the building?

402
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,041
I'm sorry, I get nervous,
I do dumb things.

403
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,110
Maybe it's because
I'm wearing a wire.

404
00:17:57,144 --> 00:17:58,278
Uh-oh.

405
00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:02,415
Now, put your hands together
for the one who's going to win.

406
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,317
Whoops. That's supposed
to be a secret.

407
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,219
Nothing I can do--
in one moment,

408
00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:09,556
Maggie will stop being my little
baby and belong to the world.

409
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:13,092
I remember her when she
was just a bit of bad news.

410
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:16,763
Time for the greatest glory
there is... reflected.

411
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,331
AUDIENCE:
Aw...

412
00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:20,267
(sputtering, tuneless blowing)

413
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,001
(blows, grunts)

414
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,771
(indistinct chatter)

415
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:28,107
Oh, come on, I'm cheating
on my wife to see this?

416
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,177
(blowing raspberries, wheezing)

417
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,345
Look! She's got a
tooth coming in!

418
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:34,247
That's the kiss of death
for a whistler.

419
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:36,015
Give me a string
and a doorknob!

420
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:39,352
That baby is naught
but an overly dramatic,

421
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,521
boring windbag!

422
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,524
A windbag that yields
no succor!

423
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,427
In sum, a nothing!

424
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,961
(beeping)

425
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:51,030
(audience booing loudly)

426
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:53,266
What? They're booing my Maggie?

427
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,802
This is the sweetest
little girl in the world.

428
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:59,071
Nice try,
but no hook can fit me.

429
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,943
This little angel
never makes a fuss.

430
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,778
She always shares her baby food,

431
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:09,349
and she makes even a despicable
show like this seem sweet!

432
00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:11,618
Hey, pal, this is
a talent show for babies.

433
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,019
We ain't goin' for sweet.

434
00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:20,059
The only thing that's been
worth it about this experience

435
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:23,630
is that I got to spend time
with this little girl.

436
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:27,200
And that's the tooth!

437
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,302
HOMER:
Good night, my little star.

438
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,137
And if you have
another amazing talent,

439
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:34,173
for the love of God,
don't tell anybody.

440
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,042
Nighty-night.

441
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:44,517
Okay, so I'll never enter Maggie
into another contest

442
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:47,153
without telling you,
and you'll never design

443
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,589
another sex palace for the mob.

444
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,024
Agreed. No more secrets
from each other.

445
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:53,926
(yawns)

446
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,162
No more secrets.

447
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,565
(snoring)

448
00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,367
(mumbles)

449
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,835
Are you letting out
my pants?

450
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,036
I'm afraid so.

451
00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:07,206
I'm not really a size 32?!

452
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,242
-(sobbing)
-*

453
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,050
(whistling "The Simpsons Theme")

454
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,090
Shh!

455
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,962
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH