1
00:00:03,604 --> 00:00:04,605
(Bart choking loudly)

2
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,008
*

3
00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:11,579
(exclaims)

4
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:18,686
(school bell rings)

5
00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:22,056
(burps)

6
00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:24,158
(whistle blows)

7
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:25,593
(yells)

8
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,132
(beeps)

9
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,770
*

10
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,806
(playing arpeggios)

11
00:00:58,926 --> 00:00:59,927
-(horn honks)
-(Grampa yells)

12
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:01,929
(tires screech)

13
00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:06,200
D'oh!

14
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:07,801
(grunts)

15
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,737
*

16
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,105
(knock on door)

17
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,709
(wind whistles)

18
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,745
("America the Beautiful"
playing)

19
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,683
(old-timey piano music playing)

20
00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:32,560
(man groans)

21
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,595
(lively jazz music playing)

22
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,432
(upbeat rock and roll music
playing)

23
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,337
(The Simpsons theme playing)

24
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,944
(warbling electronic music
playing)

25
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,223
D'oh!

26
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:13,701
*

27
00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:21,609
Great birthday trip.

28
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,445
One more thing to remind me
of my insignificance.

29
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,680
(Grampa groans)

30
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:30,484
Two adults, one student,
one boy who just phones it in,

31
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:33,287
and a senior citizen veteran
on his birthday.

32
00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:35,556
Oh, and I'd like to apply
my astronaut discount.

33
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,325
I'll need to see your diaper.

34
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,128
Typical cheapskate Homer.

35
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,697
Taking all the fun
out of turning 87.

36
00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:45,699
Get this stupid
party hat off me!

37
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:46,700
What the...?

38
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:48,402
Oh, I'll fix it.

39
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:51,839
(Grampa groans)

40
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:57,878
Woo-hoo! 182!

41
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,681
Homer, that's your weight
on the moon.

42
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:01,982
(shrieks)

43
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,384
PLUTO (distorted):
I used to be a planet.

44
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,586
Then one day they called
and said it was over.

45
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,588
It's over when I say it's over!

46
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,390
So sad.

47
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:10,824
But I'll be back.

48
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,393
I'm working on some stuff.

49
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:16,163
Let's just say you might not be
seeing Halley's Comet no more.

50
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,198
(orchestral music playing
faintly inside)

51
00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,171
Losers.

52
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,574
(orchestral music playing)

53
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:33,247
NARRATOR: Forged in a nanosecond
in the Big Bang,

54
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:35,749
our universe is so enormous,

55
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:39,086
every NFL stadium
could fit inside it.

56
00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:41,389
And their parking lots.

57
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:43,257
(crowd oohing, gasping)

58
00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:44,925
When's this show gonna start?

59
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,694
It has started.

60
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:49,563
(stammers) How can it have
started if I'm talking?

61
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,098
Wouldn't that bother everyone?

62
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:55,303
Quiet!
I can't hear the Big Bang!

63
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:58,939
NARRATOR: Approximately
13.8 billion years ago...

64
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,774
-(gasps) Billion?
-...the universe consisted of

65
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:03,944
a tiny singularity
of enormous mass,

66
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:07,915
which suddenly burst forth
in the greatest explosion ever.

67
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,784
Fire in the theater!

68
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:13,987
No! Your pupils aren't
ready for Earth light!

69
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,390
(crowd screams, gasps)

70
00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:18,158
Damn it, I was developing film!

71
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:20,494
(jazz band playing
"In the Mood" over stereo)

72
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,801
Turn it up!

73
00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,169
I can't hear it!

74
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,605
Louder!

75
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,642
Keep it down!

76
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,510
(tires screech, music stops)

77
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:42,850
Mm, happy birthday.

78
00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,185
I never want to hear that again!

79
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,421
* Happy birthday *

80
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:50,324
* To you *

81
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:52,693
* Happy birthday *

82
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:55,629
* To you. *

83
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,531
Say my name, you cowards!

84
00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:59,367
Make a wish, party pooper.

85
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,669
Okay, I will.

86
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:02,703
(man groans)

87
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,806
That was a coincidence.

88
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:08,942
I got you
the one birthday present

89
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,644
you can really use.

90
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,980
A call girl that kills me after?

91
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:16,183
-A hearing aid.
-A hearing aid?

92
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:19,152
Forget it. People will think
I'm old, dadgummit.

93
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:20,488
You are old.

94
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:23,657
You've lived long enough
to see your prejudiced attitudes

95
00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:25,158
come back into fashion.

96
00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:27,828
Lousy Greeks.

97
00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:31,899
-(bird chirping)
-(Grampa gasps)

98
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,969
(wind whistling)

99
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,571
(bingo balls clacking)

100
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,272
(needles clicking)

101
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,575
(man snoring)

102
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,911
(loud dripping)

103
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:44,912
(chirping)

104
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,680
*

105
00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,728
(laughs)

106
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,095
Thank you.

107
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:05,566
Bart! Bart!

108
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:06,867
Wake up.

109
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,602
-Yo. What's up?
-Listen.

110
00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:10,270
The planetarium said
the universe is

111
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,740
13.8 billion years old.

112
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:15,609
But I turned in a paper
where I said million!

113
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,244
What do you want from me?

114
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:18,912
(snake rattles)

115
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,347
I was just wondering

116
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,951
if you were planning on breaking
into the school anytime soon.

117
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,753
You know, like, maybe tonight.

118
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:27,054
Nope. Not till next month.

119
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,288
Please.

120
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:29,757
I'll do your homework!

121
00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,859
Sounds like you can't even
do your own homework.

122
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,927
-Ouch.
-Yeah, you think about that

123
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:36,430
while I'm breaking you
into the school.

124
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:37,765
LISA:
Hmm.

125
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,567
MARGE:
Who's breaking into the school?

126
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,569
Bart's just talking
in his sleep!

127
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,804
MARGE: I believe that.
Trust you. Good night!

128
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,743
How did you know
this door was broken?

129
00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:51,278
Eh, Willie keeps me posted.

130
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,946
I keep him in licorice.

131
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,247
(grunts)

132
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,950
Willie's riding
the red pony tonight.

133
00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:59,520
(moaning)

134
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,328
Look who's got pumpkin stickers!

135
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,731
Bart, those are for Halloween.

136
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,433
Also Thanksgiving,
if there's some left over.

137
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:21,809
Whoa! Where has this been
all my life?

138
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:24,845
Come on, let's go!

139
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:27,114
Okay. You fixed
your stupid paper,

140
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,483
and I scored
the teacher's nicotine gum.

141
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:32,352
She does that so she doesn't
smell like cigarettes, you know.

142
00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:34,354
Yeah, and she should also
get some booze gum.

143
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:37,858
(mechanical buzzing)

144
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,359
What's that?

145
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,961
Maybe it's the ghost of that boy

146
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:44,164
who had to climb that rope
in gym until his heart exploded.

147
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,166
(gasps) You're making that up.

148
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,201
Am I that creative?

149
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,603
No.

150
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:51,639
(mechanical buzzing continues)

151
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,382
(mechanical buzzing continues)

152
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:04,852
Oh, God.

153
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:05,886
(gasps)

154
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,022
Principal Skinner.

155
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,291
Are you living in the school?

156
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:14,995
Absolutely not.
And you have no proof.

157
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,198
(groans)

158
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,402
Seymour, why are you
living here?

159
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,704
You have a house.

160
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,472
With 30 pizzas on the way.

161
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,640
30 pizzas.

162
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:29,577
I can finally send mama
back to Italy! Mwah!

163
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,244
It's not my house,
it's Mother's.

164
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:35,215
But after what I just found out
she did, I can never go back.

165
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:37,918
They say it's better to talk
about it, but I never will.

166
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,352
-Okay.
-We understand.

167
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,488
Seriously, don't ask
what it was.

168
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,657
-Are you asking?
-I was stretching.

169
00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:45,025
Then why'd you only
stretch one arm?

170
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,827
It's the only arm
that needed stretching.

171
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,361
Fine, I'll tell you what it was.

172
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:49,697
-You don't have to.
-Really, it's okay.

173
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:50,698
We believe you.

174
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:51,999
Ever since I was a kid,

175
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,601
I-I wanted to be a drummer.

176
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,335
-In a rock band?
-No.

177
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,504
Marching.

178
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:01,341
I would've given all I had
to be the dot on that "I."

179
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,876
It's also called a "tittle."

180
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,177
Don't you think I know that?

181
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,113
I did everything I could
to make that band.

182
00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:10,117
In my application, I sent
songs and choreographies.

183
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,152
(lively marching band music
playing)

184
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,897
I'm a shoo-in!

185
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,239
Then the fateful day came.

186
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:36,109
Son, you got a letter from
Ohio State University.

187
00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:38,278
I'm too nervous to get up.

188
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,748
-Do you want me
to read it to you? -Yes.

189
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,484
I'm sorry.

190
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:45,919
You were rejected.

191
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,254
Uh, seems kind of thick.

192
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,889
Well, they gave you
a lot of reasons

193
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,223
why you weren't good enough.

194
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,225
*

195
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,061
That's so sad.

196
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,396
There's more I have to tell you.

197
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,399
I was going to surprise Mother
by papering her drawers,

198
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,901
then I found this.

199
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,169
I was accepted.

200
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,336
She lied.

201
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,172
That's so sad.

202
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:06,807
-(Bart chuckles)
-What makes this really tragic

203
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,909
is there was also
a personal handwritten letter

204
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,277
from the Director of Admissions.

205
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,454
(sniffs)
What's that smell?

206
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,457
I'm making spaghetti
and kick balls.

207
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,013
Does it get worse than that?

208
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:47,715
How could it be worse than that?

209
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,683
May I see the letter?

210
00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:52,686
(scoffs) I must say your
sympathy is a pleasant surprise.

211
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,155
No, this is just the only
college acceptance letter

212
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,489
I'll ever hold.

213
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:00,160
Mm.

214
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:06,366
So it's for all these reasons
that I will not be seeking

215
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:07,868
a seat in the U.S. Senate.

216
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,137
I will now take a few questions.

217
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:13,340
Let me tell you the wonderful
present I just got.

218
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,975
Dad! What a surprise!

219
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,476
(under breath):
What's he doing here?

220
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,145
Didn't we just
see him yesterday?

221
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,247
GRAMPA: That's what they're
saying under their breath?

222
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,816
How awful!
I want to hear all of it.

223
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:25,485
Maybe if we pretend we're tired,
he'll go home.

224
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,520
(all yawning)

225
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,591
Thank God he can't hear us.

226
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,593
And I'm glad these fake yawns

227
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:35,695
are something we can do
as a family.

228
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,365
What?! You, too?!

229
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,867
Good-bye!

230
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,001
Dad, wait!

231
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,369
What's wrong with the old coot?

232
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:45,538
I mean, what's wrong with you,
you sweet old coot?

233
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:49,509
I got a hearing aid,
and I heard everything you said.

234
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,445
We didn't mean
the mean things we meant.

235
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,115
We just said them
because we meant them.

236
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,183
(stammers angrily)

237
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,451
I am gone forever!

238
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,490
A little mall walk
will cheer me up.

239
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,030
Uh-oh, old guy.
Don't make eye contact.

240
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,465
Rubbing them is like
working dry lasagna.

241
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,402
Old guy! Here he comes!

242
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,204
He'll want to try
all my lotion samples.

243
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,007
I'll have to explain
what "send" is on a cell phone.

244
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,415
Come in! Come in!

245
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:30,417
Well, that's more like it.

246
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,518
(screams)

247
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:37,557
(Lisa gasping, groaning)

248
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,392
I had to cheat.

249
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,929
I was doing it
for the bell curve.

250
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:45,065
And with 99% of the vote in,

251
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,734
the next president
is Lisa Simps...

252
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,169
Wait a minute.

253
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:52,605
I'm being told she cheated
on a paper in second grade.

254
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,407
She is disqualified,

255
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,244
making our next president
Kenny Hitler.

256
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,847
No!

257
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:04,117
Hey, welcome to
Bob Hope's USO Show,

258
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:07,354
or as I like to call it,
Christmas away from Dolores.

259
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,688
(rim shot, cymbal crash)

260
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:10,958
Oh, that could've been me
on those drums.

261
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:14,094
I would've gotten to rehearse
at his house in Toluca Lake.

262
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,863
Toluca Lake!

263
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,100
What'll it be?

264
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:23,236
Can an old vet have a beer
and tell you his troubles?

265
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:25,805
Sure.

266
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,841
(no audio)

267
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:37,584
And that's how
I opened the orange.

268
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:47,360
So, uh, (chuckles) my mother
didn't tell me I got in.

269
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:49,562
That's all right.
You can enroll now.

270
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:50,830
-Can I?
-No!

271
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:53,333
This is a school,
not an '80s comedy.

272
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,235
That, uh, letter you sent me--

273
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,070
is that something
you send every student?

274
00:13:57,104 --> 00:14:00,073
No, I only sent that once,
to you.

275
00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:01,408
When you didn't show up,

276
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,911
that was the second worst day
of my career.

277
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,078
What was the worst?

278
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:07,814
The day the Big Ten expanded
to 14 schools.

279
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,416
What are we, morons?

280
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:12,920
We didn't even notice till
Northwestern pointed it out.

281
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:17,590
Oh, I'm sorry, should I not have
told you about the letter?

282
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,026
Uh, no.

283
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:22,362
It's actually good,
because I'm no longer sad.

284
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,997
I'm angry!

285
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:27,434
It's time for a furious
self-guided tour of this campus.

286
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:28,936
*

287
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:40,713
I've never seen someone
walk the oval so many times.

288
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:42,115
He's got to be dizzy.

289
00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:44,617
I switch directions
every other lap.

290
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,456
-Oh, uh, Michigan sucks.
-What?

291
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,624
That's how we say "excuse me"
around here.

292
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,793
(bells chiming melody)

293
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:56,964
CHOIR (to melody):
* Loser, loser *

294
00:14:56,997 --> 00:15:00,033
* Loser, loser *

295
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,801
* Missed opportunity *

296
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,636
* All over now *

297
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:05,772
* You poor bastard. *

298
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,740
Et tu, Brutus?

299
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,376
Hey! (grunts)

300
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:13,580
Okay, Mother, it's time for
an unpleasant confrontation.

301
00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:16,816
(school bell ringing)

302
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:19,486
Class, I'm going to hand back
your astronomy papers.

303
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:21,154
LISA:
Keep calm. Keep calm.

304
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,390
No one knows
you did anything wrong.

305
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,825
Lisa Simpson, come to my desk.

306
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,660
(gasps)

307
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,563
Miss Hoover, I have to confess.
I changed my paper.

308
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,733
It said million,
but I knew it was billion.

309
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,168
(sobs):
Oh, please.

310
00:15:35,202 --> 00:15:38,838
Maybe I can start a new life
in the other second grade class.

311
00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:40,007
(sobbing)

312
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,508
I know you changed your paper.

313
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,010
I don't care about your grade.

314
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,777
Where the hell
is my nicotine gum?

315
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,246
(sniffles)

316
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:50,817
My brother had it, and he was
hanging around the class pet.

317
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,287
I'll get you some more gum.

318
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:55,488
You do that.

319
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,190
*

320
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:09,769
Can I help you?

321
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,104
What are you doing here?

322
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:13,040
Your mother rented me your room.

323
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,442
You rented my room
to the town drunk?

324
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,111
I am also the state drunk.

325
00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:19,546
(burps)

326
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:20,913
What do you want?

327
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,184
(gasps) You know?

328
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,685
Yes. Yes, I do.

329
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:27,720
Oh, son, forgive me.

330
00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:29,356
I'm so sorry.

331
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:33,060
I just couldn't bear to lose you
like I'd lost everything else.

332
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:36,629
Oh, I would've arranged for you
to live near me in the dorm.

333
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:39,032
Oh, I can't live
in a college town.

334
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:41,534
Can't control myself sexually.

335
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:45,172
What you did to me was the worst
thing anyone could do to anyone,

336
00:16:45,205 --> 00:16:46,873
much less a mother to her son.

337
00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:48,741
I really don't know
what you could say.

338
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:51,711
Son, I guess when
you get right down to it,

339
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:55,648
I've always felt marching bands
are a colossal waste of time.

340
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,251
The music and the walking
both suffer.

341
00:16:58,285 --> 00:16:59,419
You may have a point.

342
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:02,789
And you'll always be
my little tittle.

343
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,759
-Is that a tear?
-Maybe.

344
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,530
(both sigh)

345
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,500
Please, I beg you.

346
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,202
Will you move back in?

347
00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,070
There are gonna have to be
some changes.

348
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:18,871
What kind of changes?

349
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:21,574
Well, I want the parental
controls taken off the TV.

350
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:24,111
You'll just watch
booby programs.

351
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,413
If I'm in the booby mood,
yes, I will.

352
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:28,448
Welcome back, son.

353
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:30,950
Looks like I got
a little brother!

354
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,452
He's not staying, is he?

355
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:33,853
You boys work it out.

356
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,156
We sure will, Ma.

357
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,129
You still haven't found Grampa?

358
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:46,299
No. But I found this guy
who's willing to take his place.

359
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:47,734
(Spanish accent):
I am Grandpapa.

360
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,569
Gather the grandchildren

361
00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:53,206
that we might play
the Hungry Hungry Hippos.

362
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:56,209
I don't think anyone can
replace our Grampa.

363
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,877
Are you sure?
Your husband--

364
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,313
she looked through
hundreds of grandpapas.

365
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:02,615
This was my third callback!

366
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,117
Make a choice.

367
00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:06,553
-(phone rings)
-Yello.

368
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,989
Is this the no-good ungrateful
son of Abraham Simpson?

369
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:11,991
-Speaking.
-I'm gonna send him back to you,

370
00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:13,993
and I don't want
to see him here again.

371
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,895
This place is really depressing.

372
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,730
And he does not help.

373
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,833
There's a pathetic old drunk
peeing himself in the bathroom.

374
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,101
That's a mirror.

375
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,537
And it's not the bathroom.

376
00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:31,478
BART: (sighs)
When is Grampa gonna get here?

377
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:32,645
GRAMPA:
I knew it.

378
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:35,182
Still bad-mouthing me
behind my back.

379
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,685
LISA: I can't believe it,
but I miss him so much.

380
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:39,686
(confused grunt)

381
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:41,154
BART:
I love him, too.

382
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:43,790
I just can't say it to his
beautiful shriveled turnip head.

383
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,091
Aw.

384
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:48,528
I love how he knows
what every building used to be.

385
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,230
And Maggie says...

386
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,935
(mechanical voice):
U. R. A. D. Light.

387
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,638
(sobbing)

388
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:04,211
Come get your Grampa,
you sweet slices of melon.

389
00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:07,380
-Aw.
-(all sigh)

390
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,916
Aw, we love you.

391
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,186
Woo-hoo!

392
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,854
D'oh!

393
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,991
(dramatic orchestral music
playing over TV)

394
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:20,227
What are you watching?

395
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:21,794
It's a booby movie, isn't it?

396
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:23,730
It's Emmy-winning premium cable.

397
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,031
Do they show boobs?

398
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:26,833
Not since they started
winning Emmys.

399
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,034
Very disappointing.

400
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:30,136
Well, I guess
I'll watch with you.

401
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,404
What's that thing?

402
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,540
It's a raven from
the Lannister's Maester.

403
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:36,042
What's a Lannister?
What's a Maester?

404
00:19:36,075 --> 00:19:37,710
House Lannister
is the wealthiest fa...

405
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:39,212
-Is that a dragon?
-Yes.

406
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:40,913
This is stupid.

407
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:51,190
* He walks down the street *

408
00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:54,327
* He falls in the hole, man *

409
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:56,663
* Everyone knows Hans Moleman! *

410
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,664
Who?

411
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:00,700
Nobody knows Hans Moleman.

412
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:01,701
Next.

413
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:04,003
I was here first.

414
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,004
(scanner beeps)

415
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,038
* In the checkout line *

416
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:08,341
* He doesn't even scan *

417
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,443
* Nobody knows Hans Moleman. *

418
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:13,680
I just need my heart pills.

419
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,815
* Nobody knows Hans Moleman. *

420
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:57,924
Shh!

421
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,962
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH