1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:05,606 (sleigh bells jingling) 2 00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:10,678 D'oh! 3 00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:12,213 (grunts) 4 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:17,017 (camera shutter clicks) 5 00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:23,524 -Here's your raise. -D'oh! 6 00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:25,559 * 7 00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,869 Light! Light! Light...! 8 00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:36,904 -LISA: Light! -(Marge groans) 9 00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:38,706 -It's your turn to get up. -Light. 10 00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,175 Oh. I'll never understand how something 11 00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:44,778 that came from inside of you became my responsibility. 12 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,046 (both grunting) 13 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,616 -(grunts) Mm. -Out! 14 00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:50,284 Light! 15 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,620 Daddy. Breakfast. 16 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,688 Geez, this kid's kind of smart. 17 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,090 Tuesday. 18 00:00:56,124 --> 00:00:57,225 Au-Autumn. 19 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,260 -(gasp) She's a genius. -Foliage. 20 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:01,929 Like the guy who invented shoes with lights in them. 21 00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:03,731 LISA: Cornucopia? 22 00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:04,965 (chuckles) 23 00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:08,269 Aw, sweetie, it's no surprise you're awesome. 24 00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:11,539 We didn't have to pull you out by the elbow, like the boy. 25 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,040 Mwah. 26 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,309 (humming) 27 00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:16,377 D'oh! 28 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,411 (resumes humming) 29 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:19,513 (keys clacking, bell dinging) 30 00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:23,951 Harvard College, admissions essay. 31 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,886 Lisa M. Simpson. 32 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,322 I was born with one great advantage in life... 33 00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:30,958 A voice that would make a rhino stick its horn up its butt? 34 00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:33,161 Rhinos are extinct, nimrod. 35 00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:35,963 Not hippos. I just saw one in smelly, blue pants. 36 00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:37,097 Why you little... 37 00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:39,967 I'm not little. I'm 20, and I live at home. 38 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,069 -(choking) Oh, man. -Why you disappointing... 39 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,305 You know you're choking someone who can vote. 40 00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:46,174 -But did you vote? -No. 41 00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,142 -Why you little... -Oh, come on, man. 42 00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:50,511 ...not voting fascist-enabling... 43 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:51,845 (Bart gagging) 44 00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:55,149 HOMER: Must stop President Kid Rock. 45 00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:58,085 I was born with one great advantage, 46 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:01,155 a family that never made anything easy. 47 00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:03,757 Never more than on my seventh birthday. 48 00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,893 -(grunting) -(choking) 49 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,363 (gasps) It's my birthday! 50 00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:10,798 Seven years old! 51 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:14,001 I'll wear my favorite blue dress. 52 00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,170 I'll wear red, just for today. 53 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,671 It's my birthday. 54 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,773 I want bacon! 55 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,008 (noisy munching sounds) 56 00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:22,976 -Shh! -(slurping) 57 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:24,978 I can't get Maggie to sleep. 58 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:28,449 I guess I'll just have to start using these. 59 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,950 (frantic sucking) 60 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:33,454 Whoa, okay, okay. That's enough for now. 61 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:36,724 (grunts) Geez, come on. 62 00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,059 (grumbling) 63 00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,595 Don't make me put you under warm water. 64 00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:44,365 I give up. 65 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:46,367 (groans) 66 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,369 (camera shutter clicks) 67 00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,204 Anyone have anything to say to me? 68 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:53,040 -Well, of course, honey. -(giggles) 69 00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,575 Get ready for school or you'll be late. 70 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:55,843 (Lisa groans) 71 00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,978 Oy, this baby. 72 00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:01,148 Lisa, sweetie, I know why you're excited. 73 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,183 This is a very big day. 74 00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:04,685 -Happy... -(gasps) 75 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,355 ...hour at Moe's was extended by an hour. 76 00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,089 -Wh-What? -Mwah. 77 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,492 * Happy hour at Moe's 78 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,227 * Now he'll never close. 79 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:15,263 (vacuum whirring) 80 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,334 -(vacuum turns off) -(Marge sighs) 81 00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,102 (moans sadly) 82 00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:23,103 (school bell ringing) 83 00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:27,040 Class, today is a very special day. 84 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,009 It's someone's birthday. 85 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,579 Someone whose parents pretended to forget. 86 00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:32,846 Yes. 87 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,016 And that someone is... Hubert Wong. 88 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,018 Happy birthday, superstar. 89 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,720 (Lisa sobs) 90 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:43,424 Lisa, please don't ruin Hubert's birthday. 91 00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,759 You wouldn't like it if someone ruined yours. 92 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,561 (gasping cries) 93 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:51,432 I am sorry, but if you can't control yourself, 94 00:03:51,465 --> 00:03:53,267 I'll have to send you to the office. 95 00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:58,038 But you saying that makes me wants to cry more. 96 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,073 (crying) 97 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,313 (moans) 98 00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,780 Mmm! 99 00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:09,850 No, Hubert. No cupcake for her. 100 00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,591 Lisa, school is a place for sitting quietly. 101 00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:18,992 What about learning? 102 00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:21,128 No longer part of our mandate. 103 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:23,297 Did your mom ever disappoint you? 104 00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:25,098 This isn't about mother, 105 00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:27,000 so don't say a mother word about her. 106 00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:29,236 Don't you dare, Mother, don't you dare. 107 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,305 Ah. It's just me, a student. 108 00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:34,775 -I can't hear you, Mother. -(whimpers) 109 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,947 She's everywhere and everyone. 110 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:43,351 I'm everywhere because you're nothing. 111 00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,954 Thanks for getting me out of work, sweetie. 112 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,189 -Want the rest of my donut? -No, sir. 113 00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,791 (stammers) What? 114 00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,793 Aw, please tell me what's wrong. 115 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,796 I can't tell you. You just have to know. 116 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:58,165 -Would tickling help matters? -No. 117 00:04:58,198 --> 00:05:00,200 Well, that's really all I have in my toolbox. 118 00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:03,136 Okay, let me think. What's today? Tuesday? 119 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:04,204 Yes. 120 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:09,309 That would make you six years and 365 days old. 121 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:10,310 Yes. 122 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,179 It's your birthday! 123 00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:14,448 And you forgot it, Lisa. 124 00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:17,050 But because it's your birthday, I forgive you. 125 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,353 And you're gonna have the best day ever. 126 00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:21,021 Optimism, you're back. 127 00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,959 -(horn honks) -Attention, world. 128 00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:29,897 It's little Lisa's birthday, and you all forgot. 129 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,632 -Not me. -(groans) 130 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,134 Now I suppose I got to get your kid something. 131 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,969 Just remember them in your prayers. 132 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,071 Both of them? Fine. 133 00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:43,711 ALL: * Happy birthday, dear Lisa 134 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:48,382 * Happy birthday to you 135 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:51,084 * We all forgot. 136 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,154 (flames sizzling) 137 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:57,057 And all was well, until the next year, 138 00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,592 when they forgot again. 139 00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,060 I mean, really, two in a row? 140 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,262 Even Luigi remembers it. 141 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,432 Well, we have-a the same-a birthday. 142 00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:08,101 Makes it easy. You, me, and Hubert Wong. 143 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:11,872 That's a-right, Hubert. Cupcake for her. 144 00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,446 As I got older, 145 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:21,449 I realized, as all must, 146 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:24,284 that my parents were not demigods. 147 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,521 (robotic voice): You are going to die soon. 148 00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:28,722 Shut up. 149 00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:30,190 (robotic voice): You are going to die soon. 150 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,391 Shut up. 151 00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,060 (robotic voice): Blood pressure spiking. 152 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,462 Shut up! 153 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:37,130 -Calling your doctor. -(phone dialing, line ringing) 154 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,899 DR. HIBBERT: Hello? (laughing) 155 00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,267 Shut up! 156 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,935 No, they are a man and a woman 157 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:44,237 trapped in a fragile marriage 158 00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:47,741 that nearly fell apart when I turned 14. 159 00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:51,479 Happy birthday! Happy birthday! 160 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,881 I remembered! Don't tell your therapist. 161 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,950 * Lisa, it's your birthday 162 00:06:56,984 --> 00:07:00,387 * Here's five brand-new verses 163 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:03,957 * Soon you'll be a woman 164 00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:06,760 * Soon you'll be in love 165 00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:10,097 * Who'd be better to take advice from * 166 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:13,000 * Than a man who wears one glove? * 167 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,001 (imitating Michael Jackson) Hee-hee! 168 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:17,437 * Lisa, it's your birthday 169 00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:21,008 * Happy birthday, Lisa 170 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:24,144 * Lisa, it's your birthday 171 00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:27,615 * Happy birthday, Lisa. 172 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,349 -Yeah. -HOMER: Mm-hmm. 173 00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,985 Thank you. It's a wonderful cake, Dad, 174 00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:33,253 but I'm 14. 175 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,287 D'oh! 176 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,825 Happy birthday, Lisa. 177 00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:40,027 We miss you in second grade. 178 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,996 Oh, someday you'll get out of there, Ralph. 179 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:45,165 I don't want to. I'm bigger than teacher. 180 00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:47,768 I broke my desk. Teacher cry. 181 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:51,038 I'm growing a mustache under my long nose. 182 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,243 (grunts) Better use Mom's closet. 183 00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:01,348 Oof. It's full? 184 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,955 Read me. Read me. 185 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,189 Come on, help a letter out. 186 00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:11,692 (moans) 187 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:13,026 "Dear Homer, 188 00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,962 By the time you read this..." 189 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,129 MARGE: I will be gone. 190 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,331 Since we married, you've changed. 191 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,067 Not once for the better. 192 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,135 What's it say? I can't read. 193 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,638 MARGE: So I'm taking the kids and opening 194 00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:26,206 a bed-and-breakfast. 195 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,241 (speaking German) 196 00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,212 MARGE: Bitterly, Marge. 197 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:33,213 (gasps) 198 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,883 Is Mom really leaving Dad? 199 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:41,154 (gasps) 200 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,691 So, you finally left him. 201 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:46,493 Well, good for me and good for you. 202 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,997 I finally learned how to unhook a bra with one hand. 203 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,265 MARGE: Lisa, I know what you're doing. 204 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,300 (gasps) 205 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,337 You're hiding when you're supposed to help me 206 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,706 give the dog a bath. 207 00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:01,341 Mom, Mom! (whimpers) 208 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,277 Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm not going anywhere. 209 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,113 Oh, God bless you, inertia. 210 00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:08,749 -Not until I wash this dog. -(burps) 211 00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,952 (whispers): Bart, Mom's leaving Dad. 212 00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:13,220 Oh, the poor guy. 213 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,756 Please let me tell him, please. 214 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:16,957 BART: Pass the gravy. 215 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:20,293 We used to call it "grave," but that was too scary. 216 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:23,731 So we modified it to "gravy," unless it had meat chunks. 217 00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:28,368 In which case, it was "gravier," but the war changed everything. 218 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,370 Ugh. 219 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:33,707 I wish you wouldn't drink so much in front of the kids. 220 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,376 Marge, I tried to drink in the pantry, 221 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,712 but you claim that's antisocial. 222 00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:41,048 Ugh. Why don't you just go to Moe's? 223 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:44,952 You want me to go to a bar on my daughter's birthday? 224 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,154 That is so messed up. 225 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:50,223 I'm going, of course, but it is so messed up. 226 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,391 Happy birthday. 227 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,392 (door slams) 228 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,393 (Marge groans) 229 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,428 (crying quietly) 230 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,968 Harvard will save me. Harvard will save me. 231 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:07,007 Kiss me, Lisa, in front of the hall my grandfather endowed. 232 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:11,578 He made his money in opium, but we said it was molasses. 233 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,180 (Marge crying) 234 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,282 First, I have to save my parents' marriage. 235 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,017 Wait here in this fantasy? 236 00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:20,120 Yeah, can we, um, you know, see other people? 237 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,154 Sure. 238 00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:29,096 (Marge crying) 239 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,032 (crying continues) 240 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,600 (electrical crackling) 241 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,135 (bell jingles) 242 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:40,373 Man, Moe, you sure are spry. 243 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:42,876 (stammers) The job keeps me young, eh. 244 00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:50,350 Dad! Mom is gonna leave you. 245 00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:53,186 Sweetie, marriages are like water heaters-- 246 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:54,955 they sit peacefully for years 247 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:59,026 until they explode in a fireball ruining everything you own. 248 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:00,527 Mom packed her bags. 249 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,196 Which suitcase? The one with the broken wheel? 250 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,799 Because she won't get more than a block away with that. 251 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,134 She fixed the wheel. 252 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,335 Oh, God! 253 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,037 (crying) 254 00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,672 -Dad, you've got to shape up. -Hmm? 255 00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,241 I'm 14-years-old. 256 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:17,077 These next four years are the last memories I'll have 257 00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,879 of all of us together. 258 00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:20,380 I'll do anything you say, sweetie. 259 00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,415 I want you to stop drinking. 260 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:23,683 Stop drinking? 261 00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:26,586 But that's like asking a golfer to stop drinking. 262 00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:27,487 (moans) 263 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,922 I never thought I'd say this, 264 00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:30,991 but I'd better text my sponsor. 265 00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,392 Homer's got a sponsor? 266 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:35,262 Uh, what idiot would lean into that buzz saw? 267 00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:38,031 Hey, hey! I'm the man from A-diddly-A! 268 00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:40,433 Ned, I have to quit drinking. Now! 269 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:43,370 All right, soberino, it's just 12 simple steps. 270 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:44,938 Oh, 12? 271 00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:46,039 Fine. Nine. 272 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:47,607 Oh! 273 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,943 Okay, step one: Admit you're powerless. 274 00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:52,079 I'm powerless. Boom! Done. 275 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:55,615 Step two: Admit there is a power greater than yourself. 276 00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:59,019 Um, if I'm powerless, isn't every power greater than myself? 277 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,288 This is the 12 steps, not 20 questions. 278 00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:04,291 Now, make a decision to turn your life to God. 279 00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:08,028 (scoffs) God. He's in every deal, like undercoating. Fine. 280 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,197 Make a searching moral inventory of yourself. 281 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:14,034 If I have one tiny flaw, it's that I have many enormous flaws. 282 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,535 Admit the nature of your wrongs. 283 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,205 Well, I'm not the best parallel parker. 284 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,708 Are you ready for God to remove these defects? 285 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,643 Dear Lord, the Satan of Heaven, 286 00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,545 I order you to fix me. 287 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,247 Okay, I'm just gonna fast-forward through this. 288 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,715 -Make amends. -Here's your wallet. 289 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,617 -Engage in prayer. -I pray you're not mad. 290 00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:32,685 And have a spiritual awakening. 291 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,556 (gasps) Things that cost $9.99 292 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:39,092 are really ten dollars! 293 00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:42,095 The Lord has spoken, and it is good! 294 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,997 That's it. No more drinking. 295 00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:46,233 (clicking tongue) Look at those, guys. 296 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,301 I used to be like them. 297 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,237 (laughs): Oh, I'm overjoyed for thee. 298 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:53,073 Call me anytime you hear the devil's seductive voice. 299 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,507 MOE: Homer? 300 00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:55,943 (singsongy): Homer... 301 00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:58,445 (deeper): Homer... 302 00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:02,082 (deep, distorted): How's about a Flaming Moe? 303 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,616 (chuckles evilly) 304 00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,352 Drink me! 305 00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:09,122 I'm the most overpriced thing at Universal Studios! 306 00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,158 No! I won't do it! 307 00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:18,866 Lisa, sweetie, let's celebrate your birthday! 308 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,033 Yes! 309 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,801 HOMER: Ah, honey. 310 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,036 -(moaning) -I'm so sorry. 311 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:24,637 I miss you so much. 312 00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:28,608 LISA: He did quit, for good, 313 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:32,312 and it was the best birthday present I ever got. 314 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,882 Well, the essay is pretty trite. 315 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:37,717 But her grades are perfect, her extracurricular's stellar, 316 00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:40,353 and she'll be the first from her state, ever. 317 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,689 Admit! And now for our instantaneous letter 318 00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,291 of acceptance. 319 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:47,127 (whirring) 320 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,161 (fanfare plays) 321 00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:51,598 (gasps) I'm in! And I accept! 322 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,268 (gasps, groans) 323 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:12,319 I'm here! And it's Ivy-er than my Ivy-est dreams. 324 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,587 -Lisa Simpson. -Lisa Simpson? 325 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:17,757 Hmm, I'm sorry, but there must be some mistake. 326 00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,927 -Oh, no! -Ha! Gotcha! 327 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,929 My one moment of superiority 328 00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:24,597 before a lifetime of begging you for money. 329 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,099 (tires squeal) 330 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,037 (tires screech) 331 00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:34,007 Come on, sweetie, let me carry you over the threshold. 332 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:37,410 (laughs) Dad! That's for weddings. 333 00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:39,179 I think Dad's turning into Grampa. 334 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,413 Hey, I don't need 335 00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:42,182 (like Grampa): to listen to that hooey! 336 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,784 Because I make tie clips out of maple syrup, 337 00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:47,554 but only for Flag Day! 338 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,389 * By the sea, by the sea 339 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,358 * By the beautiful sea... 340 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,427 This is great-- we don't have to visit Grampa anymore. 341 00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,763 (whirring, beeping) 342 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,938 (robotic voice): Chug, chug, chug. 343 00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:07,307 (slurring): Really, man, I've had enough. 344 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:10,810 (robotic voice): The hazing ends when we say it ends. 345 00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:12,946 Do you need any help unpacking? 346 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:16,316 Mom, I need to learn to do these things for myself. 347 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,352 (whirring, clicking) 348 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:23,890 Sorry, friend, 349 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,159 you can't pahk your cah in Hahvahd Yahd. 350 00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:30,097 I can't what my what in what what what? 351 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,631 You can't pahk... 352 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,733 -Yes...? -in Hahvahd Yahd. 353 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,469 -Are you on Novocain? -Yes, but recreationally. 354 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:38,638 Now, move your craptastic cah. 355 00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,640 (Homer and Marge grumble) 356 00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:42,242 -(door opens) -Hi. I'm Caitlyn. 357 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,144 (gasps) My roommate. 358 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,113 So, you play an instrument? 359 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,747 Bari sax. 360 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,517 -Are you good? -I played at Kenny G's funeral. 361 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,685 Ooh, she's pretty impressive. 362 00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:55,788 Uh... any childhood heartbreak? 363 00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:58,191 My parents forgot my birthday three times. 364 00:15:58,225 --> 00:15:59,959 She beats me at everything! 365 00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:01,661 I don't belong here. 366 00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:04,164 While you were feeling inferior, I took the top bunk. 367 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,266 (exasperated grunt) 368 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,868 ROBOT: Stroke, stroke, 369 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,037 stroke... 370 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,172 (sighs sadly) I'm not even gonna make it 371 00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:13,673 through freshman week. 372 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:15,708 -Hey, little sister. -Well! 373 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,045 At least you're having a good time. 374 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,013 Yeah, these girls want me to piss off their parents 375 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:21,614 before they head home. 376 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,550 (moaning) 377 00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,218 Get away from him, Mandy! 378 00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:26,719 I'll pay! I'll pay! 379 00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:28,455 Tell him I have two kids. 380 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,091 The beauty part is, it's not a lie. 381 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,994 You always know what to say, Bart. 382 00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,230 Well, try this. I've known you all your life, 383 00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:40,533 and if there's one thing I know, it's that you belong here. 384 00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:41,968 You're gonna study harder, 385 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,703 you're gonna ask better questions, 386 00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:46,005 you're gonna get into their brains like an earworm 387 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,175 and chew, chew, chew! 388 00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:49,076 (disgusted groan) 389 00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:50,543 Now, make Mom and Dad proud. 390 00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:51,978 And then I'll make 'em proud. 391 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,880 -But you first. -Thank you. 392 00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:03,656 This is it. 393 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:06,426 I'm on my own for the rest of my life. 394 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,027 (sobbing nearby) 395 00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:10,197 Huh? Are you my roommate, too? 396 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:13,866 For now. Till they kick me out. 397 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,169 Everyone thinks they're not gonna make it. 398 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:18,171 I already got kicked out of a psycho single 399 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:21,174 'cause my roommate didn't like me. 400 00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:24,277 (deeply): She used all the "shampoo"! 401 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,246 (chuckles) I just think you're funny. 402 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:30,083 (chuckles) So I suppose you want to tell me your SATs. 403 00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,918 Very much. But I won't. 404 00:17:31,951 --> 00:17:33,220 Tell me about you. 405 00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:34,454 I'm already homesick. 406 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,389 I was always the kid that didn't fit in. 407 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:37,624 Middle child. 408 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,127 Artsy. And I play 409 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,729 the most unpopular instrument there is: 410 00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:44,764 the jazz clarinet. 411 00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:45,832 Hmm! 412 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,237 (playing lively jazz) 413 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:58,077 You know your way around a licorice stick, kid. 414 00:17:58,111 --> 00:18:01,047 You blow a mean fish hook yourself, sister! 415 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,117 -Let's talk normal now. -Thank you. 416 00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:06,386 You know, today I was hoping I would meet... 417 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,255 -A lifelong friend? -Yes! 418 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,290 Here I am. 419 00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:11,391 * 420 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,393 730 verbal, 790 math, 421 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,061 800 telekinesis. 422 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,164 (high-pitched whirr) 423 00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:18,998 740 verbal, 780 math, 424 00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:21,100 and I speak fluent cat! 425 00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:23,102 (meows) 426 00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,671 I have a friend! 427 00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:28,107 Oh. Maybe more than a friend. 428 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,109 After that day, I never looked back-- 429 00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:32,812 except for all the time I just spent looking back. 430 00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,814 (chuckles) But I never doubted 431 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:37,250 that who I am was good enough. 432 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:39,352 (upbeat smooth jazz playing) 433 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:49,061 * 434 00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:02,008 Light! Light...! 435 00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,943 Sweetie, you're one year old, 436 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:07,314 and you're already the most amazing thing I ever did. 437 00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:09,048 Daddy happy. 438 00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:11,050 Daddy very happy. 439 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:14,120 Daddy euphoric! 440 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,022 Aw. She's making up words. 441 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,462 (to All in the Family theme): * Boy, the way Nirvana played 442 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:25,565 * Steroids caused a hit parade 443 00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:29,202 * Beanie Babies had it made 444 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:32,372 * Those were the days 445 00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:36,175 * And we had real heroes then 446 00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:40,179 * Like Jar Jar Binks and Qui-Gon Jinn * 447 00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,982 * Mister, we could use a man 448 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:47,019 * Like Richard Simmons again 449 00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:49,989 * Watching films like Gilbert Grape * 450 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:53,393 * Then rewinding all the tape 451 00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:58,164 * Gee, our modem dialed up great * 452 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:02,034 (imitating modem dialing up loudly) 453 00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:07,106 * Those were the days... 454 00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:10,042 Very nice. See you in court. 455 00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:12,679 LISA: Light! Light! Light...! 456 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:15,214 Au-Autumn. 457 00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:19,085 (piano playing All in the Family theme) 458 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:34,066 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 459 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,594 Shh!