1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,004 ("Deck the Halls" instrumental plays) 2 00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:06,006 Ho! Ho! Ho! 3 00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:09,043 (school bell ringing) 4 00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:12,180 Happy birthd...! 5 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,048 (grunts) 6 00:00:15,183 --> 00:00:16,850 (whistle blows) 7 00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:18,119 (Lenny yells) 8 00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:31,031 (playing slow-tempo "Jingle Bells") 9 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:37,471 (playing lively jazz) 10 00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:42,042 Mm. 11 00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:44,044 * 12 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:45,079 (whistle blows) 13 00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:58,892 (dogs growling) 14 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,197 (penguins squawking) 15 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:04,965 (monkeys chattering) 16 00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:06,234 (cats yowling) 17 00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:07,835 (Crazy Cat Lady muttering) 18 00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:12,306 D'oh! 19 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,142 (bicycle bell jingling) 20 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,377 (grunts) 21 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:19,046 ("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" instrumental plays) 22 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,148 (sizzling) 23 00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,482 (popping) 24 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,186 HOMER: D'oh! 25 00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,934 * Pickin' up trash 26 00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,736 * Put it in the bag * 27 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,638 * Kentucky chicken bucket 28 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,274 * Put it in the bag * 29 00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:49,810 * Makin' four cents an hour and free cigarettes * 30 00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:52,513 * Oh, yeah! * 31 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,649 You have done a beautiful job, ladies. 32 00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:57,651 I think we're ready to move on. 33 00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:58,952 (cans clattering) 34 00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:01,322 (shuddering) 35 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,427 (shuddering) 36 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,762 -(gasps) Homer! -(snores) 37 00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,498 I'm awake! I'm awake! What? 38 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,300 Oh, I wish you hadn't done that. 39 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:14,602 Someone adopted this highway. 40 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,170 Not so loud. 41 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,605 The highway doesn't know it's adopted. 42 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,507 But we love it just the same. 43 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:22,643 Well, at least you rented an SUV for this trip. 44 00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:24,945 Now I don't have to clean up the mess. 45 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:25,979 (Lisa groaning) 46 00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:28,349 I'm starting to get carsick. 47 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,684 Quick, stick your head out the window! 48 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:32,320 No, no, no, no, it's a rental. 49 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:33,887 Aim inside and blast away. 50 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,356 Anyone want a caramel apple? 51 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,191 -It's a rental. -No, thanks. 52 00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:38,559 Shave the dog? 53 00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:39,960 -(razor buzzing) -It's a rental. 54 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,662 Thank you, no. 55 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:43,964 (tires squeal) 56 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,367 HOMER: Get me candy. 57 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,168 (laughs) 58 00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:49,737 What's so funny? 59 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,039 Ha! You checked this out with half a tank, 60 00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:54,141 but now it's three-quarters full. 61 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:58,011 I'm callin' you Santa 'cause you just gifted us one-quarter tank. 62 00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:02,049 Nobody, and I mean nobody, calls me Santa. 63 00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,417 (tires squeal) 64 00:03:03,451 --> 00:03:05,052 What are you doing, Dad? 65 00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:06,387 I'm gonna burn that quarter tank. 66 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,889 Wasting gas while sitting on my ass. 67 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,224 It's the American way. 68 00:03:10,258 --> 00:03:11,759 (tires squealing) 69 00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:14,262 HOMER: Whoo-hoo! 70 00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,473 (Homer laughs) 71 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,044 Amazing, son! 72 00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:34,582 Unfortunately, your left foot just grazed the sideline. 73 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,083 Incomplete pass. 74 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:37,285 Dad, I've got to pee. 75 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,052 Huh? Huh? 76 00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:41,922 I know it's a rental, but I'd rather go in the woods. 77 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,223 Maybe I should come with you. 78 00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:44,892 Dad, come on. I'm ten years old. 79 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,294 I can pee by myself. It's easy. 80 00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,028 You just shake it when you're through. 81 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,162 You do what now? 82 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,799 (zipper opens) 83 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,534 -Sketch what you see. -Hmm? 84 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,235 -(students exclaiming) -(zipper closes) 85 00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:58,071 (zipper opens) 86 00:03:58,105 --> 00:03:59,907 (sighs) 87 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,675 -(zipper closes) -(metallic clang) 88 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,548 (clanging) 89 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,082 (screams) 90 00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:10,984 (body thuds, Bart grunts) 91 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:13,387 Bart, where are you?! 92 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,589 -Bart! -What is it? 93 00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:18,559 (animalistic shouting): Bart...! 94 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:21,995 (bellowing): Bart! 95 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:23,163 I don't know, but I can't shoot it. 96 00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:24,398 Looks like it's pregnant. 97 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:25,799 Ah, let's wait till they're born, 98 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,134 and then we'll, uh, shoot 'em all. 99 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,436 -(Homer grunting) -(hunters laughing) 100 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:29,503 (tires squeal) 101 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:31,505 Where the heck were you? 102 00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:33,140 Where's Bart? 103 00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:35,108 HOMER: Okay, this is the hardest news 104 00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:37,077 in the world for a mother to hear. 105 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,079 Just ease her into it. 106 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,081 Um, you know that sewing room you wanted, 107 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,684 but we could never figure out where? 108 00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:45,018 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 109 00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,687 What? My special little guy. 110 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,088 Don't worry, Lou. (laughs) 111 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,690 If there's one thing I've mastered, 112 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:53,026 it's consoling distraught parents. 113 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,495 Ma'am? Ma'am? 114 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:57,130 Can you describe your son's skeleton? 115 00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:59,333 Ooh! You incompetent... 116 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,034 Look, look, your boy's gonna be fine. 117 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,836 Now we laid out a grid 118 00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:05,473 and have search teams fanning out over the forest. 119 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,040 (searchers grunting) 120 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,442 (woman screams) 121 00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:10,478 I'm sorry, but, uh, because of the grid, 122 00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:13,847 we have to suspend the search and bring in some ambulances. 123 00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:16,016 (siren wailing) 124 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,220 Where is my son?! 125 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:26,360 Where am I? 126 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,065 Hmm. 127 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,369 Huh. 128 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:38,071 (electrical crackling) 129 00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:42,543 ("U.S. Air Force Song" begins playing) 130 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:46,013 Welcome to Strategic Air Command, Springfield Station. 131 00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:48,649 If you're watching this tape, half the world is doomed. 132 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,584 (chuckles) Says you, General Dead Guy. 133 00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,753 GENERAL: Behind you is a Titan II missile, 134 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,321 key to a mighty line of defense 135 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:58,091 that will reduce our casualties to an acceptable 200 million. 136 00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:02,262 -(clang) -(sighs) 137 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,064 Dud. 138 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,866 Ay, caramba! 139 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,935 -WOMAN: Bart? -GROUP: Bart! 140 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:10,871 -Bart! -Bart! -HOMER: Bart! 141 00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:14,842 Now don't worry, I have the best dang bloodhound in the county. 142 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,044 Uh, does your boy smell like a fox? 143 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:19,046 -No. -We're of no use to you. 144 00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:21,014 (howling) 145 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:24,084 Come on, Bart. You made your point! 146 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,053 The whole town is looking for you. 147 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:29,757 Even that scary old man from the house with the broken windows. 148 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,925 Bart broke my windows! 149 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:34,928 It used to be a normal house! (angry growl) 150 00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:37,465 All right, listen up. We have a boy-comma-missing, 151 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:39,933 and you maggots-- you're gonna help find him. 152 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,635 I thought we were ladies. 153 00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:44,104 -You're lady maggots. -Now see here, Sergeant. 154 00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:47,040 You haven't fed us. We're pretty close to riot mode. 155 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,876 This is the boy. 156 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,645 Never seen him in my life. 157 00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:56,083 We all get tattoos we regret. 158 00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:58,318 I will find that boy, 159 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:01,489 and I will toast you with his blood! 160 00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:03,390 -(groans) -What'd I tell you about blood toasts, Bob? 161 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,125 To do them, but not brag about them. 162 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:13,000 PRESIDENT KENNEDY: Ask not what your country can do for you. 163 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:15,603 Ask what you can do for your country. 164 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:18,138 Doesn't sound like any president I know. 165 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:19,840 (belches) 166 00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:28,916 Freedom! 167 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,151 Oh, I can smell Springfield! 168 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:33,253 (rumbling) 169 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,989 (yelling) 170 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,025 (grunts) 171 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:38,992 Aw. 172 00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:41,595 Nothing good ever comes from trying. 173 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,130 (Southern accent): Private Homer, 174 00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,798 you fat stack of mop buckets! 175 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:47,000 You find something funny about this? 176 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:50,170 How about I wipe that smile off your fat face? 177 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:51,972 (imitating Marge): Not my Homie! 178 00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:54,174 Avert your eyes, ma'am. (grunts) 179 00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,710 (gasps) A phone?! Please. 180 00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:58,712 Dial tone. Dial tone. 181 00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,881 -(dial tone) -Oh, thank God! 182 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,049 (dialing) 183 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,984 I'm looking for a Miss Culls. 184 00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:06,486 First name Tess, middle initial "T." 185 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,155 Uh, just a sec. I'll check. 186 00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:11,559 Uh, Tess T. Culls. Tess T. Culls! 187 00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:14,562 Uh, come on! I know you're hangin' around here somewhere. 188 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:17,064 -(laughter) -Why, you little... 189 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:19,900 When I catch you, I'm gonna stick a beer tap in ya 190 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:22,069 and pull till the foam comes out your ears! 191 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,671 (laughs) 192 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,573 Oh! Oh! (groans) 193 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,577 Oh. I give up. 194 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:32,179 If you find Bart, give me his lunch money. 195 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,214 Well, I'm never giving up. 196 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:35,849 Why not? 197 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:38,018 Because searching forever is much easier 198 00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,821 than me finding a new friend. 199 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,690 I could be your new friend. 200 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,658 -What was that? -Nothing. 201 00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:46,493 Shut up! 202 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,929 His lucky cap! 203 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:53,834 Bart? Bart? Are you down there? 204 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,502 Milhouse! 205 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,871 I have never been so glad to see you. 206 00:08:57,905 --> 00:09:00,574 Thanks for not noticing my new haircut. 207 00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:02,075 Just give me your phone. 208 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,179 I'll go get help! 209 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,749 You can count on me! 210 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,787 I lit these for our son. 211 00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:16,189 Marge, honey, he's never gonna come back 212 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,791 if he thinks it's a church. 213 00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:20,293 With 78% of the search area reporting, 214 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:23,530 Channel Six is now projecting that Bart Simpson is dead. 215 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,199 That's right. Self-proclaimed underachiever Bart Simpson, 216 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,201 dead at the age of ten. 217 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:31,772 Now let's look at the districts where he's deadest. 218 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,708 (crying) 219 00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,443 (doorbell rings) 220 00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:39,379 Lisa, I have news about Bart. 221 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,981 We already know. 222 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,449 (crying) 223 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:46,119 Oh, Milhouse, you were his best friend. 224 00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:48,922 (whimpers) 225 00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,390 What did you come here for? 226 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,992 Um... 227 00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,927 MILHOUSE: I came to tell her he's alive, 228 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,964 but this feels almost as good as hugging Harry Horse. 229 00:09:56,997 --> 00:10:00,668 I came to comfort you in these uncertain times. 230 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,736 Aw. 231 00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:04,471 -(whistle blows) -It's over! 232 00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:06,073 We're callin' off the search! 233 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,008 -Did they find him? -No, he's dead. 234 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,476 (cheering) 235 00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,344 No! That can't be. 236 00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:16,149 Lord, why do you kill things that I want to kill? 237 00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:19,653 Take me now, vile rake! 238 00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:22,089 (rhythmic grunting) 239 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,724 (grunting continues) 240 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,997 I think you should look at Bart's death this way, Bob. 241 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:33,000 You're free. You're totally free. 242 00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:34,968 Oh, this slipped off. 243 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:37,705 Have you ever thought of how your life could've gone 244 00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:40,708 had you committed to good instead of evil? 245 00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,175 Evil isn't a choice. 246 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:43,711 Mm. I see. 247 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,946 Why don't we try a little psychological exercise, Bob? 248 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,115 If I unshackle you, will you behave? 249 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,382 Try me. 250 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:50,884 (beeps) 251 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,320 Cut out Bart's picture. 252 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:57,324 And by so doing, cut him out of your life. 253 00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,126 Don't listen to them, Bob. 254 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,493 -I'm alive. -(psychologist continues indistinctly) 255 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:01,561 (grunts) 256 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,064 * 257 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,868 (music stops) 258 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:10,237 Are you okay there, Bob? 259 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:11,805 I won't believe he's dead 260 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:15,008 until I've made soup from his bones! 261 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:16,676 -(grunts) -(groans) 262 00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:19,780 (sighs) Why do I keep giving them scissors? 263 00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,819 (dial tone, dialing) 264 00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:28,021 -(phone rings) -(crying) Hello? 265 00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,990 Hey, Mom, it's me. Still married? 266 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,158 Oh, my God, oh, my God! 267 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,927 He's alive! And sassy! 268 00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,629 (groans) 269 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,001 Um, one for the road? 270 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,002 (grunts) 271 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,536 It's a long road. 272 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,038 (grunting) 273 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,007 I'll see you soon. 274 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,042 (laughs) 275 00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:53,413 Hello, Bart...'s friend. 276 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,115 Bart's alive! 277 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,249 Lead me to Bart. 278 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:57,951 You'll have to kill me first. 279 00:11:57,985 --> 00:12:01,254 But if you kill me, you'll never find Bart. 280 00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,956 Hmm. A conundrum. 281 00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:04,457 How to break you? 282 00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:09,029 Tell me, do you like light operetta? 283 00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,131 Oh, how light? 284 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,232 And a-one and a-two. 285 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,135 * I have a song to sing, O 286 00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:18,471 * Sing me your song, O 287 00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:21,274 * 'Tis sung to the moon by a lovelorn loon * 288 00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:23,811 * Who fled from the mocking throng, O * 289 00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:25,979 * The song of the knell of a churchyard bell... * 290 00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:27,080 I give! I give! 291 00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:29,149 I'll take you to Bart! 292 00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:30,150 * He cracked like an egg 293 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,651 Please stop! 294 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,153 * And began to beg 295 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:35,088 (groans) You promised. 296 00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:37,090 * As I sang this song-o 297 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:39,259 * It's a song of a popinjay, bravely born * 298 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,761 * Who turned up his noble nose with scorn... * 299 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:44,564 Can you at least stab me in my ear? 300 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:45,933 No. 301 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:49,136 Okay, we'll split up and find Bart. 302 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,338 Thanks for lending this to us, Ned. 303 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,974 And I'll do the three things that help the most: 304 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,675 pray, pray, pray. 305 00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,477 (starts engine) 306 00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,980 What about me?! 307 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,149 I ain't ridin' in that! 308 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,516 No, you're pulling it! 309 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,953 (grunting) Lousy, no good... 310 00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:09,022 I couldn't pull you when you were eight! (grunts) 311 00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:11,024 Mm-hmm. 312 00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:14,627 Hmm. Hmm. 313 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:17,030 Hmm. Angry dad, wise-ass kid. 314 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:19,799 Now, there's a formula that never fails. 315 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,802 DAVE: Okay, boys, we're gonna sing a nice little song. 316 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,504 CALVIN: I want to play cowboys and Indians. 317 00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,173 DAVE: Calvin, put down that tomahawk. 318 00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,008 Calvin. Calvin. 319 00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:29,977 -(whoosh, blow landing, squish) -Calvin! 320 00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,012 CALVIN (chuckles): You look funny, Dave. 321 00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:33,646 Dave? Dave?! 322 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,449 HIPMUNKS: * God bless America 323 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,153 CALVIN: * Give me back my tomahawk... 324 00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:42,355 That's where he is. But if you jump down, 325 00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:44,191 you can't get back up and you'll be caught. 326 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:47,194 So, uh, I guess that's checkmate. 327 00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:48,528 We're not playing chess. 328 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,730 We're playing a game called After You. 329 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,165 After me? 330 00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:53,166 If you insist. 331 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,501 (Milhouse screaming) 332 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,909 Oh, God. I am so sick of these. 333 00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:05,879 (sighs) 334 00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:08,081 Twelfth time's the charm! 335 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:09,917 Sideshow Bob?! 336 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,685 That's right. I found your hidey-hole! 337 00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:14,254 You found my heinie hole? 338 00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:16,023 (laughing) 339 00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,057 Ah, yes. (chuckles) 340 00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:19,092 Always the back-of-the-class wit. 341 00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:22,662 Well, today you're going to be a real blast. 342 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,999 I don't like the way he really hit the word "blast." 343 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,767 (both grunting) 344 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,771 (clicking) 345 00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:34,374 BART: Uh, Bob, it takes two keys. 346 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:37,177 That way, no nutcase can do it by himself. 347 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,246 Well, no one ever said launching two boys 348 00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,514 on a 50-year-old missile would be easy. 349 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:45,018 Wow! For a 50-year-old missile, it's in terrific shape! 350 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:46,619 Shut up! 351 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:50,190 I'm a kid who appreciates things that last. 352 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:53,093 (grunting) 353 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:55,228 Come on, boy. Get a good whiff of his scent. 354 00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:56,496 (sniffing) 355 00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:01,801 (Sideshow Bob theme playing) 356 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,743 (phone rings) 357 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,545 MARGE: Did you find anything? 358 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,082 Uh, we found Bart's sock drawer. 359 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:17,117 Get back out here! 360 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,386 HUNTER: Well, you can't shoot her. You know that's a woman. 361 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:22,589 HUNTER 2: Oh, this is the last time I hunt with my lawyer. 362 00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,124 Son, I can't go no further. 363 00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:26,093 I want to just lie down and die. 364 00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:27,560 Dad, you can't die here. 365 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,062 You have to die in a nursing home, 366 00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,331 where your body falls apart as you burn through your savings 367 00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:33,166 till you're a worthless vegetable. 368 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,667 You know, with dignity. 369 00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,970 You're right, son. We're here on a mission. 370 00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:39,272 Now, let's pick out that Christmas tree. 371 00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:41,174 We're here to find Bart. 372 00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:44,277 Right, right. But we got a nice eight-footer over here. 373 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:47,480 She's got a bare patch, but we'll turn that to the wall. 374 00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:49,949 That's it. I'm not listening to another word. 375 00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:53,153 BART AND MILHOUSE: Help! Help! Help! 376 00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:56,589 (strained): For this, you can thank my time 377 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,958 at Cirque du Soleil. 378 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:00,593 BART: More like Cirque du So Lame. 379 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,030 Yes, they are pretty much all the same. 380 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:06,833 (grunts) Just a little further... 381 00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:09,169 Oh, wait, wrong key. 382 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,372 (alarm blaring) 383 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,107 FEMALE VOICE: Five minutes to launch. 384 00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,542 (hissing) 385 00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,510 * 386 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,448 (alarm blaring) 387 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,450 BART: Bob, why are you doing this? 388 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,652 Well, it's perfectly obvious. 389 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:27,154 Uh, it's... (sighs) 390 00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:28,455 Give me a moment. 391 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,023 It's an ICBM. 392 00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:31,991 I Commit Bart's Murder! 393 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:34,794 That's your justification for killing two kids? 394 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,529 I... Hmm? 395 00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:40,033 Dad, look! It's either Sideshow Bob or Shaq. 396 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:42,169 Not me. I'm going that way. 397 00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:43,836 Boy, am I lost. 398 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,205 Shaq, can you help us? 399 00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,739 I'm not Superman. 400 00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:48,541 You have a Superman tattoo on your arm. 401 00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,343 How do you know so much about me? 402 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,345 You're scaring me. I don't have any money. 403 00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,381 (whooshing) 404 00:16:57,284 --> 00:17:00,053 Have you ever thought of how your life could've gone 405 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:01,654 had you committed to good? 406 00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,323 It is true. I had talent. 407 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,025 I was on Zoom. Just send it to Zoom! 408 00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,927 Box 350, Boston, Mass. 409 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,330 * 02134. (chuckles) 410 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,832 You don't want to do this. You're losing it, Bob. 411 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,002 I don't know what's real and what's hallucination. 412 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,538 * 413 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,114 -(phone rings) -Hello? 414 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,415 Hello, Doctor. Bob Terwilliger. 415 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,049 Did I catch you at a bad time? 416 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:32,051 Oh, Bob, how thoughtful of you to call. 417 00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:35,322 Most prisoners rarely follow up after leaving me to die. 418 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,091 I just need to know, 419 00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:39,759 should I kill these children? 420 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,894 Sounds like someone's got a case of the shoulds. 421 00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,130 If you're calling to ask, 422 00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,365 it means you already know the answer. 423 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,699 FEMALE VOICE: T minus two minutes. 424 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:48,067 Clear blast area. 425 00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:50,103 Just tell me, please! 426 00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:51,771 He's not allowed to talk. 427 00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:54,073 * 428 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:00,913 (alarm blaring) 429 00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,150 (metallic clacking nearby) 430 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:06,052 Hmm, that sounds like the ignition sequence 431 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,622 of an LGM-25C Titan II-II ballistic missile. 432 00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,159 I've had just about enough of your nonsense! 433 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,227 (whooshing) 434 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,662 All right, I owe you one. 435 00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,731 So, why'd you save us? 436 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:22,502 Because I realized I don't want to kill you anymore. 437 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:24,971 Milhouse, is there a knife in my back? 438 00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:27,507 Not that I can see. 439 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,976 Milhouse, is there a "kick me" sign on my back? 440 00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:31,978 Not that I can see. 441 00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:34,147 -(chuckles) -Aw! 442 00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,916 I just can't get a clean shot. 443 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,685 Also, you don't have a gun. 444 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,853 I'm useless, all right. 445 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,824 What a brilliant conceptual piece. 446 00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:45,825 Who's it by? 447 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,627 "Norad." 448 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,329 More like Snore-ad. 449 00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:50,630 (laughing) 450 00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:52,199 -(ticking) -Wait, is it ticking? 451 00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:54,801 * 452 00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:57,770 WILLIE: Sooner or later, 453 00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:01,040 it all comes down to mopping. 454 00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:03,543 (Sideshow Bob theme playing) 455 00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:09,882 Doctor, I'm happy. 456 00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:10,983 And when I'm released, 457 00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:12,885 after three consecutive life sentences, 458 00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:15,054 I think I'll open a flower shop. 459 00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:17,023 Oh, that's great, Bob. 460 00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:19,058 Not all my patients are this successful. 461 00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,393 -(electrical crackling) -Well, 462 00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:22,028 I won't be needing his file anymore. 463 00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:24,564 And if you're interested, tomorrow's 9:00 appointment 464 00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,165 -just opened up. -(electrical crackling) 465 00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:27,200 And a 10:00. 466 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:34,207 (Sideshow Bob theme playing) 467 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,177 (seabirds squawking) 468 00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,012 (footsteps approaching) 469 00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:43,250 Your New York Magazine, sir. 470 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,985 This is The New Yorker. Totally different. 471 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,987 One is the gossip rag of the glitterati. 472 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,990 The other, an asthmatic dinosaur that hasn't been relevant 473 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,493 since William Shawn breathed his last! 474 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,095 Can I go now? I've got 15 other lighthouses, 475 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,497 and every one's a weirdo. 476 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,098 Not that you are. 477 00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:01,033 Fine. Leave me. I'll just polish the bulb 478 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:04,471 and ponder a wasted life as I walk along the shore. 479 00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:08,174 I rewrite it every time the tide goes out. 480 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,776 Listen to me! 481 00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,177 Life is short. 482 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,946 Don't spend it on foolish, empty revenge! 483 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,949 If you buy a mailbox, I wouldn't have to talk to you anymore. 484 00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:17,984 Fine. 485 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,961 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 486 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,098 Shh!