1
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:06,340
Whoa!

2
00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:08,376
(car horns honking)

3
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,848
(intro to "Another Day of Sun"
tune from La La Land)

4
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:18,586
* Another Springfield day *

5
00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:22,223
* A truly perfect place to see
your dreams just fade away *

6
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:26,060
* Working at the plant's fried
everything inside my pants *

7
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:30,331
* Good-bye to all romance *

8
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:34,668
* All I've got to show
for 20 years or so is you *

9
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:37,271
-Carl!
-Prescription pain pills!

10
00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:39,240
* I have a law degree *

11
00:00:39,273 --> 00:00:41,209
* For years I've smelled
just like cat pee *

12
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,876
* This town
just drags you down *

13
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,745
* She's completely
lost her head *

14
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,914
* And we will eat her
when she's dead *

15
00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:49,417
* It really shouldn't be
too long *

16
00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:52,886
-* Cats! Cats! Cats! *
-* She'll be our dinner *

17
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,755
* This truly is an awful town *

18
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,724
* The water's green,
the sky is brown *

19
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:58,526
* Pope Francis came,
he turned around *

20
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,561
* Our strongest bridge
just holds ten pounds *

21
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:02,230
* We're poisoned
by a greedy clown *

22
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,598
* Kang-a-roo meat! *

23
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:08,136
* Traffic suffers
from paralysis *

24
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:11,972
Please.
I'm late for my dialysis.

25
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,974
* It's another
Springfield day *

26
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,909
* Oh, oh, oh, oh *

27
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:17,745
* I'm too sad to say olé *

28
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:20,314
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh *

29
00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:21,815
* We've lost our coolest gays *

30
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,817
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh *

31
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,886
Duffman thinks
this town's okay!

32
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,555
* Oh, oh, oh, oh *

33
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:30,991
* It's another
Springfield day! *

34
00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,660
(people screaming)

35
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:35,996
(laughing)
Lenny's a survivor!

36
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,998
LISA:
* This will be a perfect day *

37
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,168
* No way
to go outside and play *

38
00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:41,735
* And so we're on our way *

39
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:44,172
* To a very nerdy
science conference *

40
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:46,106
* Ba-ba ba-ba-dum
ba-dum, ba-ba *

41
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,775
* Bum-bum, ba-ba-dum,
ba-da, ba-ba *

42
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,177
Take it Bart!

43
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,744
If you're givin' it,
I don't want it.

44
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,413
Bring it home, boy.

45
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:55,949
* My sister sucks! *

46
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,186
Nyah, nyah.

47
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:01,789
* It's another perfect day! *

48
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:03,324
I brought my stems.

49
00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:04,825
Sir, this is a conference

50
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:08,462
of Science, Technology,
Engineering and Math.

51
00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:10,130
What about this one?

52
00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:12,533
Dialogue on Pediatric Education.

53
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,468
(whooshing)

54
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:15,869
(mumbling)

55
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,539
I find this claim highly doyvik.

56
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:21,542
It's all true according
to the highly-prestigious

57
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:23,444
Institute for Purchased Science.

58
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,313
Here's our top scientist now.

59
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,781
Sir, I-I don't think
this is fooling anyone.

60
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,150
Quiet! And put on the monocle,
Professor Noodle-Strudel.

61
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:33,221
(Smithers sighs)

62
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,155
-So where's your booth?
-I don't have one.

63
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:37,858
-I just came here for fun.
-Fun?!

64
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,793
One child, please.

65
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,161
I was here first.

66
00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:43,997
If disco's dead,
I don't want to live.

67
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:46,234
It's Stuicide!

68
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,736
Self-unrolling yoga mats.

69
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,738
(rhythmic whirring)

70
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:54,375
Artificial intelligence
that writes TV recaps.

71
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:58,512
Stranger Things suffers
from season two fatigue.

72
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:01,649
And look! IMAX Al Gore!

73
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:05,519
If every family could just
reduce their carbon footprint

74
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:07,655
by ten percent...

75
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,323
Oh, it's hopeless.

76
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:10,991
The floods are comin', people!

77
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,227
This is my Woodstock!

78
00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:15,929
(woozy laugh)

79
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:17,665
You okay, honey?

80
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,099
(slurring words):
It's fine. It's fine.

81
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,335
I'm just intellectually drunk.

82
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:23,871
Mm. I guess that's okay.

83
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:26,039
Marge, Marge, Marge,
you lighten up.

84
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,408
It's science.

85
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:28,876
Maybe you should sit down.

86
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,712
I ain't sittin'.
I'm ready to fly!

87
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,314
Hmm.

88
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,721
Hey, kid,
I want to show you something.

89
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,290
Are you a pervert?

90
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:43,924
No. A chemical engineer.

91
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:46,026
(crying):
No!

92
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,528
I used to be like you.

93
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,463
You mean incredibly bored?

94
00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,865
Oh, let's see
if you think this is boring.

95
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:54,602
I drop a little water
on powdered sodium...

96
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:55,869
BART:
Huh?!

97
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,305
Wow!

98
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,072
Listen, I don't know
what you're teaching,

99
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,974
but you and I have
great chemistry.

100
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:02,476
Except for the lab coat.

101
00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:04,645
It makes you look
kind of heavy.

102
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:07,715
I actually am kind of heavy,
and it makes me look thinner!

103
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:11,084
I don't know what could make
this day more perfect.

104
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:13,287
(jazz plays on piano)

105
00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:14,855
(gasps)

106
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:21,462
You didn't applaud.
Nothing.

107
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,497
Here, I'll show ya how it goes.

108
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:28,001
Thank you.
No selfies.

109
00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:30,170
LISA: In a lesser musician,
that boy's attitude

110
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:32,606
would be needy
masquerading as arrogance.

111
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,442
I'm leaving if he can't sing.

112
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,110
* I've had my share
of crazy flings *

113
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:39,580
* But they all end up leavin' *

114
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:43,617
* And leavin',
well, it really stings... *

115
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:46,620
LISA: Oh, God.
He's one small step away

116
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:49,523
from destroying
all my logic and reason.

117
00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:52,259
*

118
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,161
Ah. Ah. Ah.

119
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:55,763
MILHOUSE:
Hey, Lisa.

120
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:59,633
I brought you three waters:
cold, lukewarm and warm.

121
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:02,636
-That's nice. Any sparkling?
-Damn it!

122
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:08,175
Hi. I'm Lisa Simpson,
and I'm nervous

123
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,644
about saying anything that will
ruin this perfect moment.

124
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,312
My name's Brendan.

125
00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:14,648
Oh, good, good.
No last names.

126
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,984
Don't want things
moving too fast.

127
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,787
Oh! I hope
our children get his hair.

128
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,055
Now to subtly find out
how old he is.

129
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,791
How old are you?

130
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,494
Well, I'm 11, but I'm insouciant
at a 12th grade level,

131
00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:27,895
and I'm talented, too.

132
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,563
(laughs)
So unfair, right?

133
00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:33,066
That's amazing, because
the boys I know are re...

134
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,568
I've got sparkling!

135
00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:36,236
Sorry, I'm not thirsty anymore.

136
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:37,971
Damn it!

137
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,708
Um, so w-where do you go
to school?

138
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,543
I just moved here.
I'm starting next week

139
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,077
at a school called
Springfield Elementary.

140
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:46,246
I see it got
a few dreadful reviews on Yelp.

141
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:48,482
This guy called "Gary Chalmers"
gave it half a star.

142
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:49,883
Bloody hell!

143
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:52,520
Of all the K through sixes
in this world,

144
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:54,522
you had to walk into mine.

145
00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:58,225
A beautiful hotel bar!
Just like in The Shining!

146
00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:00,661
Oh, hi, lee... tle girl.

147
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,597
If you see your ma...
uh, ma wife,

148
00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:07,435
tell her Homer-- not your dad--
wants the credit card.

149
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,403
I will... sir.

150
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:11,905
-Sir? I'm your dad.
-D'oh!

151
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,340
MAN (German accent):
Today, we are performing

152
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,743
an experiment that
we humorously call

153
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:18,278
"making elephant toothpaste."

154
00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:21,281
Boy, the Germans
sure know their humor.

155
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:23,551
Let's just hope they know
something about chemistry.

156
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:28,355
First, add a tablespoon of
dish soap to hydrogen peroxide,

157
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:31,258
then add the warm water
and the yeast!

158
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:35,863
(explosion)

159
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,865
Aah! German chemistry!

160
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,633
-(whimpering)
-(boys laughing)

161
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:42,269
(saxophone and piano
play lively, upbeat jazz)

162
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:51,479
Sounds great, Lisa.
Really great.

163
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,313
You're just a little
behind the beat.

164
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,149
Uh, maybe you're a little ahead?

165
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:59,319
Aw, you're so cute
when you're wrong.

166
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:01,589
-Channel that rage!
-No!

167
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,423
Make that reed pay for my sins!

168
00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:06,226
(playing lively jazz)

169
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,995
Yeah!

170
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,464
-(banging on wall)
-HOMER: Knock off that racket!

171
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:12,232
It's not a racket!

172
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,735
It's the truest
American art form!

173
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:17,971
Banging on the walls is
the truest American art form,

174
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,573
and I'm a Picasso!

175
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:21,509
(banging rhythmically to music)

176
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:24,344
Oh, no! They're playing in time
to the beat of my banging!

177
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,914
Well, then stop banging.

178
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,316
I can't.
The rhythm is infectious.

179
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:31,485
(banging rhythmically
to music)

180
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:41,194
Here's the school trophy case.

181
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,363
If you look closely, it's empty.

182
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:45,833
They're actually decals
on the glass.

183
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,370
-Oh, hello, Lisa.
-(gasps)

184
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,005
I see you have a new friend.

185
00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:54,207
Brendan, this is Nelson.

186
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:56,544
Lisa, you sure know
a lot of weird guys.

187
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,045
Hello, Brenda.

188
00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:00,548
Excuse me.
Why is being a girl an insult?

189
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,650
Ah! So evolved!

190
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:05,385
Lisa, are you squishy
for this ding-dong?

191
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:08,221
Lisa, does that fat kid
like you?

192
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:12,693
(laughs) Whatever we had,
it's in the past.

193
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:18,566
I think there's something
in the water in this town.

194
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,603
(whistles)

195
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:26,640
(laughter)

196
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:28,375
Oh, man.

197
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,210
* On a playground I tripped *

198
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,712
(girls sigh)

199
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:34,147
* Then I saw you and flipped *

200
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,216
He used "flipped"
with a double meaning!

201
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,818
Bastard!

202
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,053
* Now I'm skippin' *

203
00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:43,056
* And trippin' for you. *

204
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:45,392
He turned his suffering
into entertainment,

205
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:46,994
just like the Jewish people!

206
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,396
Nothing can ruin this moment.

207
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,364
Make way.
Dead gophers.

208
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:52,900
Nothing!

209
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:55,603
(lively jazz playing)

210
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,871
How can you be sleeping?!

211
00:08:57,905 --> 00:09:00,874
(grunting)

212
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,743
Oh, thank God.

213
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:07,180
Meanwhile, Bart's teacher says
he has a flair for chemistry.

214
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,682
Why that little...

215
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:11,184
Wait. Flair?
Isn't that a good thing?

216
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:13,053
Yes. It's too good.

217
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:15,989
-(whistling)
-(liquid gurgling)

218
00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:19,627
(gargling)

219
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,528
Why don't you ask him
what he's up to?

220
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:25,098
Because if he lies to me,
it's like a dagger in my heart.

221
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:28,468
What happens when--
I mean if-- I ever lie to you?

222
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,771
Can you find out
what he's really up to?

223
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,906
-I will.
-See? That's a lie right there.

224
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:35,242
D'oh! Okay, I really will.

225
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,210
-That's also a lie.
-D'oh!

226
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,647
Fine.
I really, really, really will.

227
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,749
Finally, the truth.

228
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:43,550
(Homer panting heavily)

229
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,252
HOMER:
Keeping... promise.

230
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,087
(Homer panting heavily)

231
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,588
Stupid tree house.

232
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,991
(panting)
So far off the ground.

233
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,492
(panting heavily)

234
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,895
Uh, Dad, you haven't even
started to climb yet.

235
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,064
I have to visualize it first.

236
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,132
(groans)

237
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,268
Thanks, guys.

238
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:02,670
Ah, no problem.

239
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,271
Why did we do that, Chief?

240
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,173
Fat man courtesy, Lou.

241
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:07,941
Fat man courtesy.

242
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:10,410
Son, how do I put this?

243
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,780
Are you breaking bad up here?

244
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,281
No, I'm not.

245
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:16,516
And if you're looking for meth,
go see Cletus.

246
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,686
-What?!
-(beeps)

247
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:23,957
Meth Life, proud sponsor
of the 2020 Opioid Olympics!

248
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:25,525
(squeals)

249
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,428
Ooh, that's street ready!

250
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,864
Dad, I'm just trying
to follow in your footsteps.

251
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,701
You work in science,
and I think that's really cool.

252
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,169
Wow, you've never
said that to me before.

253
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,371
Do you want to go to work
with me today?

254
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:39,973
You can help me
research my theory

255
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:41,975
that the chairs can go flat.

256
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:45,946
I'd like to, but I've got to do
some colloidal titration.

257
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,180
(Homer whimpers)

258
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:50,017
Marge, it's worse
than we thought.

259
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:51,351
He's speaking in tongues.

260
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:52,853
He's a religious weirdo.

261
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,187
The worst thing there is.

262
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:55,956
Cover your eyes, boys--

263
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:59,492
I'm about to flip Mr. Simpson
the "Flanders finger."

264
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:01,394
(gasps)
You mean...

265
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:04,798
Yup-- a thumbs-up
without a friendly wink.

266
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:06,834
(boys whimpering)

267
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,537
You have a credit card?

268
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:12,139
Yeah, but no money.

269
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,742
Oh, a true jazz musician.

270
00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:24,351
*

271
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,497
(exclaims)
Just give the ice cream back.

272
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:40,067
No way. It was
really hard to scoop.

273
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,170
(door bell tinkles)

274
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,438
Prepare to have
your ears belted.

275
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:51,378
* My funny valentine *

276
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:54,882
* Sweet, comic valentine *

277
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:55,883
Nelson?

278
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:58,685
* You make me smile *

279
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,588
* With my heart *

280
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:05,692
Stop! Why are you doing this?

281
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,361
I don't know. There's no
good word for what I feel.

282
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,531
Scared and excited
at the same time.

283
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,533
There is a word: vulnerable.

284
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,602
"Vulner-able"?

285
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,406
Yup.
I always liked you,

286
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:22,309
but now I'm seeing you
in a new light.

287
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:29,316
* Your looks are laughable *

288
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:30,784
Haw-haw!

289
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:33,620
* Unphotographable *

290
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:36,790
* But you're my favorite *

291
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:38,892
(off-key):
* Work of art *

292
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:39,893
(low):
* Art *

293
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:40,961
(lower): * Art *

294
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,095
(way off-key):
* Art. *

295
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,663
Nailed it.
(grunts)

296
00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:51,071
And so now
there's a jazz war over me.

297
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,740
It's pretty bad.
But it's pretty great.

298
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:57,344
Uh-huh. Scotland once had two
queens fightin' over her.

299
00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:59,112
Loser got Scotland.

300
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:01,014
Of course, Brendan
is the superior artist.

301
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,649
But that kind of intimidates me.

302
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,351
And Nelson's rough,
but he's sweet.

303
00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:05,853
Plus he thinks I have dimples.

304
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,155
Dimples?
It's that serious?

305
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,690
-(Scottish accent): Aye.
-Let me give ye advice on love.

306
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,660
The Scottish national flower
is the thistle.

307
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,662
A humble weed.
Legend has it

308
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:17,464
that the Norse King Haakon

309
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,833
staged a surprise invasion.

310
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:23,003
But his barefooted army
stepped on thistles,

311
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:26,039
and their screams
awakened the sleepy Scots.

312
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:31,879
Many a Norwegian lass
lamented their dead lover

313
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:34,214
-on that glorious day.
-SKINNER: Willie,

314
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:37,050
someone spiked the teachers'
vodka with sulfuric acid.

315
00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:39,386
Superintendent Chalmers
lost the tip of his tongue.

316
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:40,988
Kin-ner!

317
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:43,456
(sighs)

318
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,325
Lisa, this is a song about you.

319
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,627
-A kid who's almost there.
-(grumbles)

320
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,629
And when you get there,
you'll blow the roof off.

321
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:50,797
Oh.

322
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,832
*

323
00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:59,072
Yeah, well,
I brought my washboard.

324
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:02,375
(scraping)

325
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:04,844
Nelson.
You took our washboard.

326
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:08,548
I got thongs to scrub.

327
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:10,850
I really can't believe

328
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,152
that this is a choice.

329
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,386
I mean, look at me.

330
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:14,754
And look at him.

331
00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:16,789
And then look back at me.

332
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:19,993
Hmm, they're quiet.

333
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,728
Too quiet.

334
00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:23,730
(Bart and Milhouse laugh)

335
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:25,065
Now they're loud.

336
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:26,366
Too loud.

337
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,734
(Bart and Milhouse chuckle)

338
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,736
Now they're just right.

339
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,371
Too just right.

340
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,506
Are you sure
Bart's not planning anything?

341
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,508
A boy takes his cues
from his mother.

342
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:38,078
If I trust him,
then he'll be good.

343
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:40,380
Hey, don't knock
my mother's method--

344
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:42,515
complete abandonment
from age five.

345
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:45,185
(Bart and Milhouse giggle)

346
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,186
HOMER:
Hmm.

347
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,421
The school talent show.

348
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,924
And on the back,
chemical equations.

349
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:52,459
Still think he's innocent?

350
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,827
We'll just have to go there
and see.

351
00:14:57,464 --> 00:15:00,433
You wanted rock candy,
you got rock candy.

352
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:01,801
Mmm.

353
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,971
Brendan and Nelson are fighting.

354
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:07,640
I'm getting Daddy's gun
to under-arrest them.

355
00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:08,641
Oh, no.

356
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,877
I'm gonna call you decrescendo,

357
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,946
'cause you're goin' down.

358
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,547
Nelson, that's clever.

359
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:17,650
Thanks. For you, I read a book.

360
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,720
All right, Ralphie,
easy, easy.

361
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,755
Give Daddy back his hat.

362
00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:27,594
Oh, you missed everything,
just like Daddy.

363
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,530
(saxophone playing)

364
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,067
Ugh, so many clams.

365
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:37,837
Well, you're gonna look
very nice for the show tonight.

366
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:40,240
It doesn't matter how I look,
I'm not ready.

367
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,775
I've been so distracted
by those boys.

368
00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:44,344
How did you choose Dad?

369
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,912
And never regret it?

370
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,847
HOMER:
Marge, I might've swallowed

371
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,882
a couple of your earrings.

372
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,553
Gotta go.

373
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:56,256
(Marge humming)

374
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:59,526
I do not want to know
how you got these back.

375
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:01,461
So, we're really doing it.

376
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,496
We're going to a talent show

377
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:06,799
where Bart is putting on
a chemistry demonstration.

378
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,168
Have I got that right?

379
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,503
If our faces
get melted off today,

380
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:12,772
I want the last thing Bart sees

381
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,874
to be us believing in him.

382
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:17,144
Fine, fine.
Let me just finish my will.

383
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,683
And... (exclaims)

384
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:25,885
Oh, it's good
to have that taken care of.

385
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,221
(orchestra warming up)

386
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:31,324
(singing scales): * Haw-haw-haw,
haw-haw-haw, haw. *

387
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:32,959
Nelson? A word?

388
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,394
Take five, Martin.

389
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,063
I'm not even in your act.

390
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:38,498
-I said take five.
-(whimpers)

391
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,067
Ooh!

392
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,702
Nelson, I cherish
our unhealthy relationship.

393
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:45,405
Especially the fact
that I can tell you the truth.

394
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,507
Kiddo, you're not a singer.

395
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,409
Okay, fine, I won't sing.

396
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,144
But I'll still perform.

397
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:54,347
That's how much I want
to hold your stupid hand.

398
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,582
Oh.

399
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,884
You're up, Nelson.

400
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:01,854
Hello.

401
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:03,756
I'm the school bully.

402
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:05,725
(audience booing)

403
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,094
Aw, don't be a dingus.

404
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,695
I'm the next Charlie Mingus.

405
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,063
-(gasps)
-(Nelson playing bass)

406
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:11,731
Could I really choose him?

407
00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:14,534
*

408
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:30,583
(gasps)
My choice is clear: Brendan.

409
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,185
*

410
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,121
-(booing) -MAN: Ooh, yeah,
I feel the groove.

411
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:39,892
Next contestant,
Brendan Beiderbecke.

412
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,297
And Brendan wins!

413
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:45,732
(lisping):
Not so fast.

414
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:47,800
We have a disqualification.

415
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,870
This young man does not
live in the district.

416
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,440
Right, his home is 50 feet
into West Springfield,

417
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:55,608
which means he will be
transferred to a school

418
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:59,045
three buses and a long bike ride
away from here.

419
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,913
-Brendan...
-No, Lisa.

420
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,249
I can't put you through that.

421
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:03,983
I guess this
relationship is over

422
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:07,454
until this town
invests in mass transit.

423
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,090
(cries)

424
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:14,261
I'll never see him again.

425
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:17,063
Lisa, I'm glad
you didn't choose me.

426
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,132
No woman is worth
learning music.

427
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:20,800
All this time
I've been choosing jazz

428
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,669
over doing my reps.

429
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,971
Well, my reps never let me down.

430
00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:27,006
Lift weights, get dates.

431
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:29,142
Lift weights,
get dates.

432
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,844
Well, I guess I'm alone
for the moment.

433
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,680
And I like it.

434
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,448
-Good for Lisa.
-She's better off alone.

435
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:36,983
She doesn't need a man.

436
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,785
Wait a minute, everybody.
Even though

437
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,820
the most interesting and
emotionally compelling part

438
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,822
is over, we still
have one performer

439
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,625
who says he will
"blow you away."

440
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:49,095
So please welcome the original
Dennis the Chemist,

441
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,663
Bart Simpson.

442
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:52,699
*

443
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:59,806
Drop the beaker, Screwy Pasteur.

444
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,174
(chuckles)

445
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,943
No.
I wasn't doing anything bad.

446
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,512
Pour the beaker and you'll see.

447
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:08,348
We are not gonna let you
mix those chemicals.

448
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:10,350
We got a tip
from an anonymous source

449
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,219
named Seymour Skinner.

450
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:14,721
Do you even know
what "anonymous" means?

451
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,489
Uh, helpful?

452
00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:17,624
(Marge groans)

453
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,125
Mom, I'm innocent.

454
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,727
You believe me, don't you?

455
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,230
Oh, if he's lying,
I'll never forgive him.

456
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:25,898
If he's telling the truth,
he'll never forgive me.

457
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:29,236
(short chuckle)
Glad I'm not you.

458
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:32,405
Bart, sweetie,
I'll pour the beaker for you.

459
00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:34,140
(yelps, whimpers)

460
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,042
(grunting)

461
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:40,112
*

462
00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:48,221
ALL:
Ooh!

463
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:50,290
Ah!

464
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:54,561
He's innocent. But then
who put the sulfuric acid

465
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,062
in Superintendent Chalmers'
drink?

466
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:57,597
I did.

467
00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:00,099
-Willie! Why?
-Why?

468
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:03,236
Because, Seymour,
I was trying to kill you.

469
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,572
(lisping):
Well, that's okay. Good man.

470
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,106
-But...
-Quiet, Seymour.

471
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:08,775
The man's got a dream.

472
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,443
Mmm.

473
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:13,413
I never doubted you.

474
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:14,981
Well, you should have.

475
00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:19,486
*

476
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,226
(indistinct chatter, laughter)

477
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:33,065
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

478
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,201
This episode was supposed
to have been a parody

479
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,204
of Moonlight,
not La La Land.

480
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,573
Moonlight?
But none of us have seen it.

481
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:43,142
We have the DVD.
We could watch it tonight.

482
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:45,478
Either that
or X-Men: Apocalypse.

483
00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:46,979
ALL:
X-Men!

484
00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:49,015
I'd like to see Moonlight.

485
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,157
Shh.

486
00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:35,995
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH