1 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:05,573 Aah! 2 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:11,945 (shrieks) 3 00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:19,120 (school bell rings) 4 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:21,989 (belches) 5 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,023 (tires screech) 6 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,660 D'oh! 7 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:29,097 (tires screech, grunts) 8 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,232 Is she gonna be okay, Doc? 9 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,833 She's just fine. 10 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,169 -And here's the baby. -Oh... 11 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,405 I know how to hold one of these. 12 00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:39,273 D'oh! 13 00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:43,144 * 14 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,553 (classical music plays on TV) 15 00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,288 ANNOUNCER: You're watching The Learning Network, 16 00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:55,556 where minds grow. 17 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,425 Stay tuned for... 18 00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,160 (dramatic voice): 19 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:06,167 But first... 20 00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:13,741 The following film, made in 1982, 21 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,376 was thought to be lost forever. 22 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,611 Actually, it was misplaced in a box 23 00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:20,114 for the comedy Doctor Detroit. 24 00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:23,284 But its predictions are more terrifying than ever. 25 00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:26,920 Hello, I'm Orson... Welles, 26 00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:28,556 director of Citizen Kane... 27 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,823 Boring. 28 00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:31,625 ...as well as the lower left-hand square 29 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,060 on Hollywood Squares. 30 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,229 Ooh, right next to Ruth Buzzi. 31 00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:38,766 In 1555, the prophet Nostradamus 32 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,602 foretold a terrifying series of predictions, 33 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,771 all of which came to pass. 34 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:46,774 First, his own death. Second, 35 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:49,977 large wars in Europe, similar to the large wars 36 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,279 he observed in Europe. 37 00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:53,981 And the breakup of Fleetwood Mac. 38 00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:56,984 But Nostradamus's final quatrain contained 39 00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:59,987 one more prediction yet to come: 40 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:03,824 that shortly after the Antichrist becomes president... 41 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:09,663 (slurping) 42 00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:11,299 This champagne is terrible. 43 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,434 It tastes like dryer sheets. 44 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,504 But what does said mushroom signify? 45 00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:20,007 Nothing less than World War III. 46 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,676 Ugh, who'd fall for this malarkey? 47 00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,712 (gasps) Smithers, I'm scared. 48 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,114 -Release the comforting hounds. -(snaps fingers) 49 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,649 (dogs whining) 50 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,451 Oh, excellent. Now, make them into rugs. 51 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,885 (dog whines) 52 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:36,023 Anyone left alive will surely find themselves envying... 53 00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:38,125 Who? Who could we possibly envy? 54 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,127 -...the dead. -Aah! 55 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,062 Smithers, the end is nigh, and we must prepare. 56 00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:44,565 Round up this town's greatest minds. 57 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,200 -Should I order pizza? -Uh-huh. 58 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,302 One large cheese, double-cut. 59 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,271 (dramatic music plays) 60 00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,641 Attention, fellow members 61 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,176 of the Springfield chapter of Mensa. 62 00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:58,078 Mr. Burns has called us here 63 00:02:58,111 --> 00:03:02,516 to solve an unknown problem of global importance. 64 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:05,486 But first, Tri-Ominoes! 65 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,555 I say we write and solve our own acrostics. 66 00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:09,557 Yes, after we recite all the words 67 00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,191 in the Declaration of Independence 68 00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:12,860 in alphabetical order. 69 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:16,096 ALL: A, A, A, A, A, A. 70 00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:20,000 Abdicated. Abolish. Abolishing. 71 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,569 Absolute. Absolved. 72 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,371 Silence, you thinkertons. 73 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:25,906 I summoned you here because the world is about to end. 74 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:28,075 No, it isn't. What are you afraid of? 75 00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:30,077 Global warming? (laughs) 76 00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:33,113 A.I.? Some sort of plague? 77 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:36,016 (laughs) 78 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,786 As smarty-pantalones, I am asking you to help with 79 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,054 the Montgomery Burns Doomsday Ark. 80 00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:43,757 This space vehicle will lead humanity's best and brightest 81 00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:47,027 to a better life under my stern rule. 82 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,962 SIDESHOW MEL: Oh, gee heavens. 83 00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:51,599 Will there be someone for your more personal needs? 84 00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:54,201 Concubines. Many concubines. 85 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,603 I'll work my way in. 86 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,471 I need you to tell me who is worthy 87 00:03:57,505 --> 00:03:59,807 of surviving the apocalypse with me. 88 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,377 I only want the sharpest razors in this town's Halloween candy. 89 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:06,414 Oh, don't worry, Mr. Burns, this is what Mensa does best-- 90 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,282 make everyone else feel stupid. 91 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,050 The only word in English 92 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,053 with three consecutive double letters is... 93 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,121 -Oh, um... -Um... 94 00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:15,088 Um, "gooseberry." 95 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,057 No, "coffee." Coffee-oo. 96 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,460 -Uh, balloon-an-ing. -Bookkeeper. 97 00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:20,928 -Damn it. -Ha! 98 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,796 It's simple. All we need to do is 99 00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:24,998 give everyone in town an IQ test. 100 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:27,067 The highest scores get on the ark-- 101 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,102 Mensa members grandfathered in. 102 00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,304 -Sounds good to me. -(all agreeing) 103 00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:31,739 Grandfathered! 104 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,274 Not so fast. Flavin. 105 00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:36,977 Being intelligent people, I am quite sure 106 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,178 that you will take this well. 107 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,448 IQs are meaningless. 108 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:41,582 -(all gasp) -SIDESHOW MEL: Heresy! 109 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,484 I have the ultimate test 110 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:46,520 that measures something far more significant: 111 00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:50,090 your overall worth as a human. 112 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,425 Impossible. 113 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,260 Intelligence is the only quotient 114 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,028 that tells you how important you are. 115 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:58,899 Ask any of us who did well on a test we took when we were six. 116 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:04,805 Well, you may be the brightest, but you are not the best. 117 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:08,275 Your worthiness as a human being is best measured, people, 118 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:12,212 by the Personal Value Quotient. That's P.V.Q. 119 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,882 Oh! Ow! All right, enough with the pelting 120 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,984 and the bonking and the compass in my neck. 121 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,786 Garvik. In order to defuse 122 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,220 your obvious hostilities, 123 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:22,990 I will make my presentation entertaining, all right? 124 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:26,694 With a one, and a two, and a 3.14159. 125 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:30,197 Forgive me if it seems like I'm attacking, 126 00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:33,801 but I find the old IQ test badly lacking. 127 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,804 If you want to find out just what someone can do, 128 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:41,575 you need to learn that subject's P.V.Q. 129 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,644 * 130 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,680 * It tests for 131 00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:50,217 * Sympathy and empathy and group collaboration * 132 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:54,021 * Artistry and neatness and complex socialization * 133 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:57,357 * And every single aspect of a personality * 134 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:59,493 -* Hey, the P.V.Q. -(gasps) 135 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:03,597 * Is A.O.K. with me (laughs) 136 00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:06,166 * 137 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,002 * It tests for sarcasm and prudence * 138 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:11,204 * Not if you're Isaac Newton 139 00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:12,873 * Confidence, ambition 140 00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,608 * And the teams for whom you're rootin' * 141 00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:16,777 * So it's all the little foibles * 142 00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:18,345 * That can make a person whole 143 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,581 * Trust the P.V.Q. 144 00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:24,485 * The yardstick for the soul 145 00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:31,625 (exclaims) 146 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,861 * Now, people, you're all geniuses * 147 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,563 -Oh, please... -My, my, well, thank you. 148 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:37,465 * You can see this is no lark 149 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:40,968 * Emotional intelligence is needed for the ark * 150 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,736 -Uh-huh. -Hmm... 151 00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,811 * 152 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,946 * You mean earnestness and ego * 153 00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,815 * And if they make a mean burrito * 154 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,584 * And the social grace to know 155 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,819 * When not to wear a Speedo 156 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:01,955 * Every trait that integrates a winning personality * 157 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,924 * Yes, the P.V.Q. 158 00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:07,461 * Is what we'll do to find out who * 159 00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:09,597 * Will see us through 160 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,398 * Yes, the P.V.Q. 161 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,067 * Is A.O.K. 162 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:17,304 * With me... 163 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,407 Oivik! 164 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,743 Anyone have a song in rebuttal? 165 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,412 * You got to have hear... 166 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,914 Oh, balderdash. 167 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,181 We're going with this man's test. 168 00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,317 -Oh, wonderful. -To determine who is worthy 169 00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:31,985 of a seat on my ark. 170 00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:34,087 Uh, but, sir, how do we get everyone in town 171 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,490 to take a test without telling them what it's about? 172 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,628 Mandatory test. 173 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,429 Mandatory test! 174 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,966 Mandatory for everyone not ringing a bell. 175 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:49,970 What's the point of this test again? 176 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,539 The way I look at it, the more things 177 00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:54,107 secret corporations know about us, the better, huh? 178 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,943 I like when drones show up bringing me things 179 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,511 I needed but didn't know. 180 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:59,479 Hmm. 181 00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,314 Wow, I am out of deodorant. 182 00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:02,550 We all knew. 183 00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,785 Remove all stray marks. 184 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,987 Number two pencil only. 185 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,156 And for God's sake, relax! 186 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:11,825 This question asks about the price of underwear, 187 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:14,695 as if I were some landed aristocrat. 188 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,630 (quietly): Hey, can I copy off you? 189 00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:17,931 Be my guest. 190 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,334 (laughs) 191 00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:25,072 "Day is to night as early is to..." 192 00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:27,541 Late. Booyah! 193 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:30,010 (groans) 194 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,645 Booyah! 195 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:34,214 (groans) 196 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,049 Booyah! 197 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,552 (groans) 198 00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:41,855 The one test I don't bring my earmuffs. 199 00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:43,156 BROCKMAN (on TV): The results are in. 200 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,058 The newest and most accurate measure 201 00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:47,761 of our intelligence on a scale from one to 500-- 202 00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,763 500 being best. 203 00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:52,165 -(singsongy): Boring. -Don't shut it off. 204 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,767 I need my score. 205 00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:55,903 (hyperventilating) 206 00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,537 (muffled): Thank you. 207 00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,940 Now we'll run everyone's scores past the screen really fast, 208 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,875 from best to worst, trusting that you'll pause 209 00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,811 at only your name. 210 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,347 Pause it! 211 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,517 475, my sweet spot. Excellent. 212 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,052 But room to improve. 213 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:17,591 What?! I am one below Ralph? Ralph? 214 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:20,227 Honey, it doesn't mean Ralph's smarter than you. 215 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:24,031 It just means he's a more valuable person. 216 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,466 -Ralph? -Keep scrolling. 217 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,070 MARGE: Ooh, 311. 218 00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,606 Above average, but not enough to make people mad. 219 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,943 And, it's the number you call to complain about potholes. 220 00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:40,080 Ooh. "H. Simpson: 265." 221 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,715 Exactly the number of days in a year. 222 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,050 (chuckles) 223 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,085 Well, that's good. Let's change the channel. 224 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,787 But we don't know your score. 225 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:49,056 Like I said, that's good. 226 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:52,325 Hmm, not there. Not there. Not there. 227 00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:55,295 (gasps) 228 00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,668 (sobbing) 229 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,504 I don't need any test. 230 00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,339 I'm street-smart. 231 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:07,641 (bicycle bell dinging) 232 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,009 Haw-haw! 233 00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:15,949 I refuse to accept that my little guy has no future. 234 00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:18,451 He can learn how to put in adding machine tape. 235 00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:20,187 That's how I got through the Depression, 236 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,823 and letting the FBI know which bugle boys 237 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,858 were about to turn boogie-woogie. 238 00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,694 We're not giving up on Bart. 239 00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,528 And I'm not giving up on you, Homer. 240 00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,630 What, you're still trying? In what way? 241 00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:33,366 My will is 38 pages of me yelling at you. 242 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,035 Ooh, I'm in the will. 243 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:41,008 ORSON WELLES: Charles. Listen to me, Charles. 244 00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,876 Not now, Satan. 245 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,978 I'm not Satan, I'm Orson Welles. 246 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:48,181 Satan would sell wine before its time. 247 00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:52,019 Yes. Now, have you taken my warning seriously? 248 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,987 Oh, but I did. I've already started the ark. 249 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,455 Very good. Now I must go. 250 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,825 God commissioned me to direct a rainbow, 251 00:10:57,858 --> 00:11:00,060 and I've spent half my budget on indigo. 252 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:02,963 The only answer is to play "red" myself. 253 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,065 -Smithers. Speed up production on the ark. -(bell rings) 254 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,700 Put everyone on it. 255 00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:09,169 Ply them with all the rum and salt it takes. 256 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:18,912 -Eh, there's no nap like a scaffold nap. -(snoring) 257 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,750 Hey, what do you think we're building, anyway? 258 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,985 I'm betting it's a new Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 259 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,854 Maybe this one will keep somebody out. 260 00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:30,057 How can Ralph score higher than me? 261 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,259 That's-that's just wrong. (chuckles) 262 00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,995 But all my self-esteem comes from tests. 263 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:38,866 Should I really be pulling on this string? 264 00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,734 I am not worse than Ralph! 265 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,870 (shouts, grunts) 266 00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:46,073 -Hi, Ralph. -Hi, Ralph. -Hi, Ralph. 267 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:47,074 Hi, Ralph. 268 00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:50,110 I miss the string through my ears. 269 00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:52,746 LISA: All right, Lisa. 270 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:55,082 Watch, do not judge. 271 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,285 What makes him superior? 272 00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:02,790 (laughing) Whee! 273 00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:04,391 I'm okay. 274 00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,695 WIGGUM (over phone): You have reached the Wiggum residence. 275 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,431 If Ralph is stuck in something, press one. 276 00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:14,134 If something is stuck in Ralph, press two. 277 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,805 If this is Ralph, Daddy is not in the phone. 278 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:20,774 Do not open the phone looking for me. 279 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,142 What are you doing? 280 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:23,210 The only thing I'm good at. 281 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,311 Nothing. 282 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,745 That tears it. 283 00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:27,447 We're going to see Professor Frink, 284 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,383 and find out exactly what happened on that test. 285 00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:31,885 Got a little present for you, Bart. 286 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:35,155 It's called The Bible For The Slow. Mm? 287 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,656 He's not going to take it. 288 00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:38,458 Okily-dokily. 289 00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:42,095 Professor Frink, your stupid test ruined my son's life. 290 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,064 Hey, that test is like a son to me. 291 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,999 I raised it from a quiz. 292 00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:47,634 I've known my son since he was born, 293 00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:50,170 and he's not anywhere near as stupid 294 00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:52,072 as your stupid test says he is. 295 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:56,076 And if you think so, you're stupid, stupid, stupid! 296 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,845 Wow, Marge. 297 00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:00,080 You really love Bart. 298 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,415 All right, all right, let me recheck it. 299 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,184 Uh, rechecking, rechecking. 300 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:05,652 Put-upon sigh. 301 00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:06,820 (sighs): Oivik. 302 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:09,022 Rechecking-- ah, here we are. 303 00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:10,257 Uh, Simpson, B. 304 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:14,094 That's not a "B." 305 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,462 FRINK: Well, yes, it is, you see, the two-- 306 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:16,964 oh, my garvik! 307 00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,999 There was a mistake. Well, your son 308 00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:21,134 has above-average intelligence. 309 00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,302 You did it, boy. 310 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:23,670 No, that just looks like a "B." 311 00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:26,039 The real unfortunate is H. Simpson. 312 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:28,008 (laughs): I mean, what a clod! 313 00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:31,178 Worst handwriting and brain in town. 314 00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,179 -D'oh! -BART: Hey! 315 00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:33,680 I'm H. Simpson. 316 00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,348 Oh, well, it's very nice to meet you. 317 00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:36,649 Would you like some water? 318 00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:37,684 -Smartwater? -No. 319 00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:38,751 (moans sadly) 320 00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:44,992 -Homie, aren't you coming? -FRINK: Bye-bye. 321 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,726 I can't. I'll be a laughing stock when everyone finds out 322 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,328 I'm the stupidest man in town. 323 00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:49,629 How are they gonna find out? 324 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,031 I just tweeted it. 325 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:54,201 Marge, you have to get ahead of these stories. 326 00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,707 I'm sorry, sir, you belong here. 327 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,775 Oh! Oh. 328 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:09,983 Look thou be true. 329 00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,384 Do not give dalliance. 330 00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,520 Too much of the rein. 331 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,722 (muttering) 332 00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:18,325 Why does Oscar skate in his trash can? 333 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,726 It makes no sense! 334 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:20,894 (moans) 335 00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,796 I'll cheer up here. 336 00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:27,067 One "stupid," please? 337 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,102 Okay, you gave me $40. 338 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,370 Here's two dollars back. 339 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,405 Unless you want splash insurance. 340 00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:34,174 -How much is that? -Another ten. 341 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,408 Uh, here's $20. 342 00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:37,310 And two more for you. 343 00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:41,781 (humming) 344 00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:44,084 -(yelps) -Insurance doesn't cover entryway splashes. 345 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,352 D'oh! 346 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:48,956 Hey, Homer, uh, we was watching Jeopardy!, but, uh, 347 00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:52,025 tell you what, we'll just talk about shapes and colors now. 348 00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:54,294 I like blue rectangles. 349 00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,096 Rectangles. You know, Homer. 350 00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:58,431 The ones with four sides. 351 00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,200 Listen, you. 352 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:03,070 I've known my shapes since I was 16! 353 00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:06,073 Put him down, Homer, and I'll give you a cookie. 354 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,707 That's a coaster. 355 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,242 Ooh! Dummy's wising up. 356 00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:11,278 I'll take the cookie. 357 00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:15,282 I never thought I'd say this, but I'm too depressed for Moe's. 358 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:22,922 MOE: Heya, Homer. 359 00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:25,959 I'm sorry. I know I'm taking up too much of the bed. 360 00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:28,128 Oh, sweetie. 361 00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:31,264 What the entire world thinks doesn't affect how I see you. 362 00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:33,066 Well, how do you see me? 363 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:37,004 The hair and body of a dashing Friar Tuck. 364 00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:40,007 Ooh. (moaning) 365 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,508 But what about my brains? 366 00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:44,011 My favorite character in The Wizard of Oz 367 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:46,946 was always the Scarecrow. 368 00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:48,481 I knew it. Thanks to that test, 369 00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,417 you see me as stupid first and Homer third. 370 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,851 I mean, second. 371 00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:52,952 I know second. 372 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,021 I won't let you give up. 373 00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:56,323 We're going to start improving you. 374 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:58,291 Oh, Marge. No one ever did anything useful 375 00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,093 after the age of 39. 376 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,961 George W. Bush sobered up. 377 00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:03,330 And became president. 378 00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:05,098 Too huge mistakes. 379 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:06,699 Homie, this whole mix-up happened 380 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,868 because of your sloppy handwriting. 381 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:11,704 We'll start with that, improving your handwriting. 382 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:15,475 Right now, my hand just wants to crawl in my pocket and cry. 383 00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:18,778 Now this hand is jealous. 384 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:19,979 Mwah. 385 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,948 I know where this is going. 386 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,785 Um, I do, too, but you say it first. 387 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,287 Snuggling. 388 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,921 (gasps) Ooh. 389 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,292 (Ralph humming) 390 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:35,895 What is his secret? What is his secret?! 391 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:37,964 I'm going to Dizzyland. 392 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,999 * 393 00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:47,707 Want to see me do a cartwheel? 394 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,576 -No! No, no, no! -Good point. 395 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:52,379 On the other hand, whee! (giggles) 396 00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:53,980 (tires screech) 397 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,083 Don't worry, Lou, I've seen that in cartoons. 398 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:59,086 Swee'Pea, Mr. Magoo, they were fine. 399 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,820 What about Sylvester the Cat? 400 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,190 Never be a cat in a cartoon, Lou. 401 00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:04,191 Never. 402 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,228 -(Lisa screams) -(Ralph laughs) 403 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,665 LISA: The beam must have a fulcrum I can move to 404 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:13,866 that would stabilize it. 405 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,103 Think, Lisa, think. 406 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:19,372 (ship horn blows) 407 00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:20,773 Oh! (panting) 408 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,112 (bicycle bell dinging) 409 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,147 Two for two. 410 00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:32,552 Young man, didn't I tell you to sit and stay in that house? 411 00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,554 I thought you were talking to the dog. 412 00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:36,089 We don't have a dog. 413 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,957 Then what's been pooping in my bedroom? 414 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:42,095 Professor, how on Earth did he get a higher score than me? 415 00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:45,932 Okay, Lisa, I am going to give you ten more points 416 00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:48,201 for one of the most important skills of all: 417 00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:51,938 discovering huge flaws in my test without telling anyone. 418 00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:53,773 (laughs) 419 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,243 You mean, after all this, after all I've gone through, 420 00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:59,946 you're just gonna fudge my score and I should be happy? 421 00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:02,449 Well, after all, that's how I got into, uh... 422 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:04,117 Oh, I can't say it. 423 00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:05,585 The lowest of the Ivys. 424 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:07,120 Oh, God, help me-- Cornell! 425 00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:08,321 Cornell! God! 426 00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:09,556 It's okay, you're fine. 427 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,124 Oh, gloyvik. 428 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:12,959 Okay, Homie, buckle up. 429 00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:16,629 Because there's no limit to how neat your handwriting can get. 430 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:18,097 Marge, I don't know. 431 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,966 You can't teach an old dog new tricks. 432 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:23,436 (harmonica playing) 433 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,904 I'll help you. 434 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,174 * Whoa 435 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:29,809 * My love... 436 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:32,579 Lisa, turn off that oldies station! 437 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,147 -* My darl... -(music stops) 438 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,805 HOMER: Dearest Marjorie, 439 00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:01,774 what words are adequate to describe your beauty? 440 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:05,178 Like, a bowling ball, fresh out of a polisher. 441 00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:06,145 Oh. 442 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:07,680 I've always dreamed 443 00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:11,551 Homie would write me cursive love letters. 444 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:20,393 HOMER: You are as beautiful as your sisters are hideous. 445 00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:22,729 Oh... 446 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,032 * 447 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,537 Oh, Homie. 448 00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,071 Mwah. Oh. 449 00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:34,641 I'm married to a writer. 450 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,042 I really am. 451 00:19:36,075 --> 00:19:37,076 (snores) 452 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:44,984 Welcome, all of you. 453 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,986 You are the chosen people. 454 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,389 Chosen to be my slaves. 455 00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:51,358 I am no one's slave. 456 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:52,692 Well, doesn't matter what you think. 457 00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,060 The doors are sealed. 458 00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:56,095 Not this one. 459 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:59,031 Wait, wait, you haven't heard about the retirement plan. 460 00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:01,501 There isn't one. 461 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,902 Fine, I don't need them. 462 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:04,571 I don't need anyone. 463 00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:11,344 Oh. Why did you have me go back for your slippers? 464 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:13,880 How could you turn on me so quickly? 465 00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:29,796 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 466 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:02,128 Shh!