1
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,942
They fought for years.

2
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,527
With guns and garden shears.

3
00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:13,198
Years, years, years,
tears, tears, tears.

4
00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:14,991
It's the Itchy and Scratchy.

5
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,827
Marathon!

6
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,546
Episode 10,432:

7
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,215
"Leave It To Cleaver."

8
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:37,180
Sponsored by
delicious Cream of Rye.

9
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,725
Which one's the cat?

10
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:44,479
Okay.

11
00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,815
Hour 14 of our marathon.

12
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:50,985
Now let's watch Episode 10,433:

13
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,196
"Cat Scratch Cleaver"!

14
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,031
Enough with the cartoons.

15
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,574
You'll rot your brains.

16
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,579
Leave brain alone.

17
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:05,333
Ugh, I've been watching so much
TV I can't move my head.

18
00:02:05,416 --> 00:02:07,043
- I'll fix him.
- Careful, Dad!

19
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,712
If I'd have been careful,
I wouldn't have had you.

20
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,220
Now I can't go to school.
Or church.

21
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,347
Hallelujah! Aah!

22
00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:21,724
We're going to spend
family time together

23
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,726
without watching TV.

24
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:24,727
Mom is right.

25
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,855
Americans watch way too much TV.

26
00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:28,690
How many hours?
Let me Google that.

27
00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:32,068
Ha! Instead of T-V, I typed T-B.

28
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,987
Let me Google that.

29
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,240
Turn off the devices,
pronto!

30
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,575
Pronto. Odd word.

31
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,243
Let me Google that.

32
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,203
Hey, I'm doing something
educational.

33
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,872
Educational, my foot.

34
00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,540
I saw pixels.

35
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,083
It's TunnelCraft.

36
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,253
A simulated world where
you explore, mine resources,

37
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:52,964
and work with friends to build
replicas of real buildings.

38
00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:54,132
Can you die in it?

39
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,259
- Yes.
- It's a video game.

40
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,303
I got a family activity for ya.

41
00:02:58,386 --> 00:03:00,889
In the Depression,
we'd sit around the wood stove

42
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,433
and sing songs about poverty.

43
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,810
Old poor Joe,
the starving boy.

44
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,645
Had worms burrow in his feet.

45
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,481
He heard there was work
in Portland.

46
00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:12,442
But sadly he heard wrong.

47
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:15,278
Oh, the railroad bulls,
they rousted him.

48
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,405
And stuck him in a sack.

49
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:19,616
They tied him to the train.

50
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,576
And pulled him
down the track.

51
00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:23,453
They threw him
off the bridge.

52
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,181
And they kicked him
in the head and they...

53
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,289
Enough!

54
00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:27,749
I know what we're going to do.

55
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:28,833
We're going to go out.

56
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,168
We're going to get some books

57
00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:32,003
and we're going to read
those books.

58
00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:33,922
This is the very last chance

59
00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:36,633
for this family to get reading
in their lives.

60
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,885
So get on your feet, bubs.

61
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,513
We are taking a walk.

62
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,057
To the library.

63
00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:47,685
Where you'll have to be quiet.

64
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:51,522
Wait, you're closing?

65
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,608
You wanna read?
Start with the sign.

66
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:56,277
Oh, can't we just go in
for five minutes?

67
00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:57,654
Up to you.

68
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,864
But after 2:00,
the silverfish take over.

69
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,743
I just wanted to renew my card!

70
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,794
Hmm. DVDs,
plush toys, crullers...

71
00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:14,629
I don't see many books.

72
00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:17,340
Yeah, the only actual books
are coffee table books.

73
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,050
Barn Doors of Topeka,

74
00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:20,510
Dogs Eating Ice Cream,

75
00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,679
Jigsaw Puzzles
with One Piece Missing,

76
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,180
Man-Killing Snakes
of the Amazon...

77
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,684
Sir! Never say "Amazon"
in a bookstore.

78
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,560
Amazon! Of course!

79
00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:31,562
Alexa!

80
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,314
Order books!

81
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,732
I already did.

82
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,401
Your mind is open to me.

83
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:37,902
They'll be home before I am.

84
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,739
Ma'am, if you really
want to read,

85
00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:43,533
check out our proprietary
e-reader:

86
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:45,159
The Bookaccino "Niche."

87
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,243
Um, excuse me.

88
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,162
That device is poorly designed.

89
00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,539
I would register my disgust,

90
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,666
but it corrects
with auto praise.

91
00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:00,883
Finally,
a bookstore that sells books.

92
00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:05,434
- Oh, oatmeal.
- I love the smell of old books.

93
00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:08,349
Wouldn't do that, miss.

94
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:09,726
The air in here

95
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,329
has a lot of
particulate rat droppings.

96
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,396
Okay.

97
00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:14,689
Let's book up and bug out.

98
00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:16,232
Here you go, Bart:

99
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,668
The Sisterhood of
the Traveling Pants.

100
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:19,569
Maggie: In Cold Blood.

101
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,904
Lisa: With No Apologies: The
Memoirs of Barry Goldwater.

102
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,534
Lisa, look!

103
00:05:26,617 --> 00:05:30,246
The Princess in the Garden,
by Heloise Hodgeson Burwell.

104
00:05:31,372 --> 00:05:32,957
It's my very favorite book

105
00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:34,417
from when I was a girl.

106
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:35,752
It's for ages ten and up,

107
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:37,086
but I think you're ready.

108
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,671
If you think so.

109
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:44,719
Wait a minute.

110
00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:46,471
One bar... two bars...

111
00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:47,722
five bars.

112
00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:49,265
You're not reading a book.

113
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,642
- You're in a Wi-Fi hotspot!
- Dad, please.

114
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,728
I'm trying to reserve tickets
to TunnelCraft-Con.

115
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,482
What? What the hell is that?

116
00:05:57,565 --> 00:05:59,108
Uh, duh, it's a convention

117
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,485
for kids who play TunnelCraft.

118
00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,236
It's got skins, betas, mods...

119
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,405
Exclusive access
to the top devs.

120
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,574
No convention.
And that's almost final.

121
00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:08,743
But I'm dying to go, fatso.

122
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:11,329
Now it is final!

123
00:06:12,663 --> 00:06:14,332
What do you have for a kid

124
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:16,167
who wishes his father was dead?

125
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,586
Try this. The Art of War,

126
00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:21,964
written 3,000 years ago
by General Sun Tzu.

127
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,301
Well, there's "war" in the title
and very few pages.

128
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,303
The only flaw is it's a book.

129
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:31,599
Young man, are you sure
you want war with your father?

130
00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:37,480
I do not seek war,

131
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,816
but neither do I turn away.

132
00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:44,278
If you use this book,

133
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:49,033
your father will lie shattered
before the gates of your palace.

134
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,204
Oh, mighty general!

135
00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:56,165
I beg to be
your unworthy footstool.

136
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,626
When he sleeps, I will steal
the jewels from his topknot.

137
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:03,005
Hey, Mom,
I found something to read!

138
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,841
Wonderful!

139
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,843
What a great family day.

140
00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:09,387
And there is only one
perfect way

141
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,390
to complete a great family day.

142
00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:13,975
So, how's the family?

143
00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:16,477
I think they went to dinner.
Something nice.

144
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,530
Nelson's coming our way.

145
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,658
My nose is pre-bleeding.

146
00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:33,244
I'm picking on Bart.

147
00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:34,829
You like books, huh?

148
00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:37,373
Well, here's a bookmark.

149
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:41,878
If your enemy is easily enraged,
irritate him.

150
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,564
I heard you're not strong,
you're just fat.

151
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,173
Fat? Me?

152
00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,550
You try eating healthy
at a strip club buffet!

153
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:53,347
Whoa! Willy!

154
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:54,724
Get me out of here!

155
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:58,603
It's on fire! Willy!

156
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,608
Hmm. Maybe wisdom isn't
so stupid after all.

157
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:06,569
Milhouse, I'm gonna use this
book to go to TunnelCraft-Con.

158
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,237
Here's the book I'm reading.

159
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,739
When I finish this,

160
00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,617
I'll have read
every Mary Kate and Ashley book.

161
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:15,495
Sometimes I feel like
the third sister.

162
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:20,082
He opposed the religious right.

163
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:23,586
Okay, this is my favorite book
ever, but no pressure.

164
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,254
You realize saying "no pressure"

165
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,465
puts me under
tremendous pressure.

166
00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:30,468
Then let's get started.

167
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:31,594
"Not all English girls

168
00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:32,970
"grow up in England.

169
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:34,889
"Clara grew up in South America

170
00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:37,975
"where she was raised
by many native servants.

171
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:41,938
But they were too naturally
servile to oppose her will."

172
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,856
"Naturally" what?

173
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:46,943
Uncle Juan?

174
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,946
Would you clap as I dance?

175
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:52,323
Rhythm... rhythm...

176
00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:55,535
Mind the rhythm
or you'll feel the lash!

177
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:58,829
Mom, why'd you stop reading?

178
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,999
It's just a little different
than I remembered.

179
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,292
Let's skip ahead.

180
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,462
A father murdered
by loco banana picker,

181
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,340
Clara baptizing savages
without their permission...

182
00:09:09,423 --> 00:09:11,342
Oh, okay, okay, here we go.

183
00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,177
Clara is now an orphan

184
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,138
and was sent to live with
her lonely uncle in the hills.

185
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,974
She meets a boy named Conor.

186
00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:21,352
Like all Irish, he was
feeble-witted and drunk.

187
00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:24,814
This is the part
you deem acceptable?

188
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:27,191
The Irish are
nobody's joke anymore.

189
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:29,193
Hoi-dee toi-dee toi-dee toi!

190
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,154
I'm goin' on
a hunger strike in here!

191
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,324
So weak.
So weak...

192
00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:39,328
Another childhood classic
bites the dust.

193
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,122
Is that a coolie hat?

194
00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:43,165
Nighty-night!

195
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:47,253
I bet my booklight is shining
on something offensive.

196
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:50,464
Darn it.

197
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,847
Heloise Hodgeson Burwell?

198
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:00,057
Why did you
stop reading my book?

199
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:02,518
Your daughter is just the kind
of girl I wrote it for...

200
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,521
Obedient, well-fed and white.

201
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,356
Oh, calm yourself, Marge.

202
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,567
Dreams are where it's okay
to be racist.

203
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,193
Rudyard Kipling!

204
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:14,030
Yes. You should read my first
draft of The Jungle Book.

205
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,032
At the end,
Mowgli uses his elephants

206
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:19,827
to stomp out some Hindus
seeking limited voting rights.

207
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:21,912
All in good fun.

208
00:10:23,247 --> 00:10:26,042
Marge, I suppose
you could edit my book

209
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,044
to your daughter's
sensibilities.

210
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,588
Wow. An author
that wants rewrites.

211
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:33,466
Well, that's what
makes this a dream.

212
00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:35,968
Now the war begins.

213
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,553
Not yet!

214
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,221
I haven't finished my costume.

215
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:43,643
I'm doing period sewing
with bird bones as needles.

216
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,565
Wait.

217
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,233
Why do you want me to text you

218
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,819
when your father's
getting in the car?

219
00:10:56,113 --> 00:10:58,240
That's none of your business...
But let's just say

220
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,576
both of us will benefit.

221
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,203
A trombone mute?

222
00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:04,080
But I don't have a trombone.

223
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:06,207
Open the other box.

224
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:07,625
Oh, my God!

225
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:22,598
All right, Simpson,
blow into this.

226
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,101
Now make it into a rabbit.

227
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,603
All right.
Ralphie's birthday is today,

228
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,647
and you're the entertainment.

229
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,276
What's going on? It's like
someone's out to get me.

230
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,986
I have to be
focused and careful.

231
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:39,115
Nothing will break my concen...
Ooh! Wild milk ball.

232
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:53,754
Bart! You're behind this?

233
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:57,591
That's right. And it looks like
someone is stuck in the mud.

234
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:59,719
Help me, boy!

235
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:03,305
I will save you if you do
what I say from now on...

236
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,058
starting with going
to TunnelCraft-Con.

237
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,643
Sure. Just pull me out

238
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,979
by your sneaky little neck!

239
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,693
Just be aware that
if something happens to me,

240
00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:18,529
Mom finds out about your
secret stash of Drake's Cakes.

241
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:19,780
What secret stash?

242
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:22,992
Pier 18, shipping container
number 4-7-9-5-2.

243
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,997
I was offered a deal
and I took it. Okay, I give.

244
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,832
Louder, dog!

245
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:31,417
Okay!

246
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:39,216
Huh. You really think
you can control me?

247
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,177
Malted milk ball.

248
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:56,192
Okay. Here's a new version

249
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,986
of The Princess in the Garden.

250
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,698
- Mom, you're exhausted.
- It takes a lot of work

251
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,367
to take the spirit and character
out of a book.

252
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:09,705
But now it's as inoffensive
as a Sunday in Cincinnati.

253
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,208
"Once there was a cisgender girl
named Clara.

254
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:14,210
"She lived in South America,

255
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:16,378
"fighting
for wild horse rescue...

256
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,716
...and net neutrality."

257
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:23,886
This new Clara

258
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,222
sounds like she starts out
pretty perfect.

259
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,723
You betcha!

260
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,767
But since she's already evolved,

261
00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:32,728
she doesn't really have an
emotional journey to complete.

262
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:36,398
- Nope.
- Kind of means there's no point to the book.

263
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,234
Well, what am I supposed to do?

264
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,777
It's hard to say.

265
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,779
Something that started
decades ago

266
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:43,739
and was applauded
and inoffensive,

267
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,741
is now politically incorrect.

268
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,409
What can you do?

269
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,412
Some things will be dealt with
at a later date.

270
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,748
If at all.

271
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,310
- Hey, Simpsons. We'll see you in church.
- Not today you won't.

272
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,253
Oh. Well, we'll say
a prayer for you.

273
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,129
Don't mention my name, weirdo.

274
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,800
Dear Lord, forgive that boy.

275
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:05,094
He knows not what he says.

276
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:08,973
What does that weirdo want now?

277
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:38,460
My feet hurt.
There's too much cosplay,

278
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:39,962
whatever that is.

279
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,131
- Can we go home?
- Quiet, you.

280
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:43,525
It's the two greatest
TunnelCraft players

281
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,675
of all time!

282
00:14:44,758 --> 00:14:46,594
Those guys make awesome videos

283
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,721
where they play
TunnelCraft together.

284
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,472
Has the world gone mad?

285
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,225
Their banter is legendary.

286
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,310
- Got that?
- Yeah.

287
00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:55,311
- Go left.
- Right.

288
00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,146
- Left. Go right.
- Right.

289
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,147
- Dig.
- Dig.

290
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,148
Dig.

291
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,316
- Dig.
- Cool.

292
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:01,817
That's why they
call me Tunnel-Rat.

293
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,485
- I'm Tunnel-Rat.
- Oh, right.

294
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,404
- Oh-ho...
- Oh, awesome!

295
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:09,325
- What the...?
- Calm down.

296
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,160
It's me, Daniel Radcliffe.

297
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,662
This is how I see conventions:
Incognito.

298
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,664
Otherwise the fans envelope me.

299
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,249
Oh, that's ridiculous!

300
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,667
Daniel Radcliffe!

301
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,336
He knows Rupert Grint!

302
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:21,629
Yes, I do. He's lovely.

303
00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:24,089
Oh! Oh, God!
What are you... Aah! Aah!

304
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,550
I loved him.

305
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,177
Please, can we go now?

306
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,137
No! You wait
in the poster-signing line.

307
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,139
And don't sign them yourself.

308
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:34,058
I'll know.

309
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,518
Milhouse, by God,

310
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:40,481
if you want a ride home,
you tell me what Bart's up to.

311
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:42,274
Okay. Bart's been using

312
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,485
an ancient Chinese book
against you.

313
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:47,279
I knew it. Except for
the ancient Chinese book part,

314
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:48,530
I knew it!

315
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,871
Why are you bringing me here?

316
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,207
These professors have some
very interesting news for you

317
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,042
about Heloise Hodgeson Burwell.

318
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,127
Meanwhile,
I'll sit on this chair

319
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,213
and imagine I'm grading papers.

320
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,509
Ah, Marge Simpson,
the fan of Burwell.

321
00:16:08,592 --> 00:16:10,552
We are all Burwelleans.

322
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,222
You don't mind that her books
are a little...

323
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:15,057
grandma on the veranda?

324
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:19,186
Marge, Burwell's whole life was
a protest against conformity.

325
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:21,689
- Yeah, she never married.
- Had no children.

326
00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:24,400
She lived
in Provincetown, Mass...

327
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,652
a-chu-setts.

328
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:29,989
Heloise Burwell is
a lesbian icon!

329
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:32,074
Her "offensive" stereotypes

330
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:35,327
were actually a self-consciously
ironic protest

331
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,413
against her own oppression.

332
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:40,124
How much of that
do you actually believe?

333
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:41,959
Mmm... most.

334
00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:43,544
So much to take in.

335
00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:45,629
How do you deal with it all?

336
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,506
With the help of sherry.

337
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:50,759
Yes. Sherry, bring in
the hard liquor, please.

338
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,599
Okay. Now you can ask me
about Lewis Carroll.

339
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:06,025
Remember:
All warfare is deception.

340
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,693
Shut up.

341
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:10,112
I'm trying to fool my kid.

342
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:16,577
Bart, son, if you don't mind,
I brought a friend over.

343
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:18,912
Flanders?!

344
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:20,706
Great to be here, pal-o-mino.

345
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,458
I brought some potent grass

346
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,626
that'll get this party started.
Bluegrass!

347
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,463
Chicken's in the henhouse,
pig is in the poke.

348
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,590
The whole dang farm
feels okily-doke.

349
00:17:29,673 --> 00:17:31,633
Goin' up to Cripple Creek,
swimmin' fully dressed.

350
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,386
Not being naked,
oh, that's the best.

351
00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:38,348
Mr. Flanders. Again?

352
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,641
No siree, Bart!

353
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,268
It's me, your Homereeno!

354
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:42,644
Morning, friend-till-the-end.

355
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:45,147
Ready to greet the day
with a big ho-hey?

356
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,817
Call me the Pillsbury Doughboy,
'cause I'm ready to roll!

357
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,402
Then let's hi-diddley-go!

358
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:53,238
If anyone can do it,
it's we two-it!

359
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,642
- Yes, indeedle, doddily...
- Okily-dokily, dokily, dokily.

360
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,872
Oh, my God.
He's even gone left-handed.

361
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,834
Now we're gonna take you
to a movie rated R

362
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,836
for "really old and boring."

363
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:34,279
Oh, no, he daren't!

364
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:38,617
Dad, please, isn't there any way
to get the old Homer back?

365
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:41,537
Well, now, Bartly, why would
you want that balding boob...

366
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,372
Ooh, I said "boob"!

367
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,207
Uh-oh. Time for me
to do a turtle.

368
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,376
I'll come out
when the B-bombs stop flying.

369
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:49,837
Please, I want my dad...
Not this horrible creature

370
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,047
from the depths of Heaven
you've become.

371
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,715
If you truly surrender,

372
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,218
give me your Halloween candy.

373
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:57,719
But it's March.

374
00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:59,638
Most of it's still good.

375
00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:00,806
Fine.

376
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,683
Now, bow to your master,

377
00:19:02,766 --> 00:19:04,726
because you are the fool,

378
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,896
and I, the greater fool!

379
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,065
Dad! You read the book, too?

380
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,317
Up to page five.

381
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:15,404
Now, come here, son,
and grab some belly.

382
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,741
Excuse me. These films
are original nitrate prints.

383
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:23,370
Which means the theater has
just gone up in a terrible fire.

384
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:24,997
You have seconds to escape!

385
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,669
They never tell the organist.

386
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,316
Hmm, so that film
is a hundred years old?

387
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:55,110
No. We shot it
at my place yesterday.

388
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,075
Well, now it's time
to say good-bye.

389
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:03,952
To Ned and Rod and Todd.

390
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:07,706
And I'll remind all you folks
you should be praisin' God.

391
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:11,168
If you don't, you'll rot
in Hell for all eternity.

392
00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:15,130
It's all a part of God's great
love he has for you and me.

393
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,007
Y'all come back, now.
Y'hear?

394
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,973
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH