1 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,579 (exclaiming) 2 00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:15,883 -Mmm. -Worth it. 3 00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:18,519 -Totally worth it. -Again! 4 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,554 * 5 00:00:25,226 --> 00:00:26,594 MARGE: Dinnertime! 6 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:28,896 Dad, are you gonna watch the solar eclipse? 7 00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:31,399 Sorry, but this is pork chop night. 8 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:35,403 * 9 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:38,839 OTHERS: Ooh! 10 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,007 LISA: Ah! 11 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,742 Way to go, God! 12 00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,878 Huh? 13 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,247 (shouting) 14 00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:49,383 Aah! My eyes! 15 00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:51,419 I told you to use the cardboard box! 16 00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:54,122 I thought you meant for standing on. 17 00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:01,695 Marge, you gonna eat that piece of burnt gristle? 18 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,564 -No. -Whoo-hoo! 19 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,433 -(chewing noisily) -Homer! 20 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:08,035 Did you pour fry pan grease into the milk carton? 21 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,404 -Yes, but it's not for... -Just a splash for my coffee. 22 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,441 (groans) I wanted to watch the eclipse with you. 23 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,576 I can only imagine what you've got planned 24 00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:17,411 for date night tomorrow. 25 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:20,381 Date night?! Marge, if we're still dating, 26 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,883 why in the world do we have these kids? 27 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,385 -What? (groans) -Hmm? 28 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,986 Hey! 29 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:28,956 You need to make me feel you're as smitten with me 30 00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:30,758 as you were when we met. 31 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,261 Marge, darling, you mean as much to me 32 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:34,962 as the sun and the moon. 33 00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:37,765 There was an eclipse of the sun by the moon, 34 00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:39,933 and you didn't even walk outside. 35 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:42,403 Come on, Marge, you can't be that mad. 36 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,771 -(grumbling) -Uh-oh. 37 00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:48,942 (groans) Marge wants a date night this Saturday. 38 00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:50,478 You think you've got problems? 39 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:53,347 I'm really not liking this new bar mix. 40 00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:57,285 This Saturday? Is she crazy? 41 00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:59,520 That's when we spray nitrous in the ant farm 42 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:00,954 and watch 'em go nuts. 43 00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:02,690 Yeah, here's a taste. 44 00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,460 Stupid ants. 45 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,696 Maybe I could have a date night here. 46 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,464 Sure. I'll make it nice. 47 00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,700 Take the paint cans out of the ladies' room, 48 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,303 just like the Waldorf Hysteria there. 49 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:18,306 I don't know what to do. I want it to be perfect. 50 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:21,542 I've spent so long ignoring how she thinks and feels. 51 00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:23,777 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a real crotch-22 there. 52 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,447 You know, Moe, a lot of what you think you're saying, 53 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,848 you're not really saying. 54 00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,850 Well, I got to admit, I've been doing 55 00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,453 a little of this nitrous myself. (chuckles) 56 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,654 (inhales) 57 00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:36,524 Oh. (chuckles) 58 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:38,025 (slurring): Stupid ants. 59 00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:40,027 (cackles) 60 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,963 * 61 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:47,368 * My funny valentine * 62 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:51,572 * Sweet comic valentine * 63 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:58,178 * You make me smile * 64 00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,848 * With my heart * 65 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:07,721 * Your looks are laughable. * 66 00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:09,223 Aw. 67 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,058 You didn't have to do that. 68 00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:13,761 That and much, much more. 69 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,930 Huh? Huh? 70 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,366 (laughs) 71 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,402 Corkage fee. 72 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,736 $30 dollars? 73 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,605 Corkage is the sum we charge 74 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,540 for opening the wine you bring, sir. 75 00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:29,343 30 bucks to open a box?! 76 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:31,612 I mean, nothing's too good for this lady. 77 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:34,582 -Play the violin. -I am just a waiter, sir. 78 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:37,117 I said play the violin. 79 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,988 (playing off-key) 80 00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:46,794 (playing classical music) 81 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,299 * 82 00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:58,606 (laughs) After dinner drinks. 83 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:01,141 I feel like Mrs. Remington Steele. 84 00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:06,079 * Con te partiro * 85 00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:09,317 * Paesi * 86 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,485 * Che non ho mai... * 87 00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:15,556 (both moaning) 88 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,591 (Grampa snoring) 89 00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:21,662 I want you. I want you! 90 00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,964 And I want you. Only you. 91 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:26,967 Oh. 92 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,136 Ooh. 93 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:32,139 (moans): Oh. 94 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:33,974 What the...? 95 00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:35,976 (knock on door) 96 00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:39,179 -(knocking continues) -(Homer grunting) 97 00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:43,351 Oh. Sweetie, I-I think you'd better see who it is. 98 00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,654 -(sighs) -Homer, I know it's late 99 00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:48,789 and you've got your "Keep Out, Flanders" sign up, 100 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,759 but, uh, I'm sorry, I-I... (sobs) 101 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,694 (sniffles) I'm feeling mighty low, sir. 102 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:56,830 -MARGE: Who is it, Homie? -It's stupid no one. 103 00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,866 Flanders? What's wrong? 104 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,034 Marge, it's date night! 105 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,936 That's a made-up thing. 106 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,439 FLANDERS: Mmm-mmm. 107 00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:07,174 Lukewarm water. If I close my eyes, 108 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,942 I can pretend I'm at the dentist. 109 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,378 (slurps, sighs) 110 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,380 Afterwards, I'll grab some Flintstone vitamins 111 00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:14,181 and try to knock myself out. 112 00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:15,783 Half a Bamm-Bamm should do it. 113 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,217 Ned, what happened? 114 00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,952 (sighs) I'm out of work. 115 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,589 The Leftorium is no-morium. 116 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,158 Hey, Ned. I can't hack it anymore. 117 00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:27,127 You want to buy my side of the kiosk? 118 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,463 I'll get all the people coming out of Sears! 119 00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:32,199 But I got squat. 120 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,970 People are getting all their southpaw sundries online. 121 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,507 All I was getting were right-handed college students 122 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,308 who wanted to experiment. 123 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,810 Don't worry, Ned. 124 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,646 Homer will tell you how to get a job at the plant. 125 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,581 -I will? -Yes, you will. 126 00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:50,418 -Because it's date night. -You said that wasn't a thing. 127 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:53,487 -Let's not fight on date night. -Oh, all right. 128 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:55,489 Call the plant and ask for Human Resources. 129 00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,324 (chuckles): Oh, thank you. 130 00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,027 And as a reward, you get my famous cocoa. 131 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,936 Now, I assume the two of you will want a cup? 132 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,371 (sighs) Make my next one a double. 133 00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:20,180 I cannot be your head of Human Resources 134 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,682 one more second, okay? 135 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,717 With the verbal abuse and the physical abuse, 136 00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,285 and the lying under oath. 137 00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,788 And especially this! 138 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,424 Would you like to be the new head of Human Resources? 139 00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:33,026 To quote my pet turtle, "Shell yes!" 140 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,528 Not so fast. 141 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,930 You may have to give me blood from time to time. 142 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:39,199 Yes, sir. My blood's like my attitude: 143 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,435 -B-positive. -Excellent. 144 00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,604 Isn't this great? We're carpooling to work. 145 00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:45,773 So I can see you in the morning, at work, 146 00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,775 in the evening, and in my dreams, 147 00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:50,043 thanking you for saving my life. 148 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,079 Look, Ned, we're just driving together. 149 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,548 I don't want any "iddlies," "diddlies," 150 00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:56,984 "neighborinos" or "oopsy-doopsies." 151 00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,419 -Okily-dokily. -Here's another suggestion: 152 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,321 no talk, just music. 153 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,991 Oh, sure. That's why I brought this CD of Christian favorites, 154 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,993 Magical Ministry Tour. 155 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,962 (rock music playing) 156 00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:11,264 * Pray, pray, heart and soul * 157 00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,734 * Stick another dime in the poor box, baby. * 158 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,402 -Maybe we should talk. -(music stops) 159 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,770 Well, of course, my friend. 160 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,438 -Want to talk about Jesus? -No. 161 00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:20,574 -Want to talk about Ecclesiastes? -No. 162 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,843 -Want to talk about baby Jesus? -(music resumes) 163 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,012 * Pray, pray, heart and soul * 164 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:27,581 * Stick another dime and I'll pray with thee. * 165 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,617 Let's crank it up to six. 166 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:30,851 (crow caws) 167 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,419 BURNS: You'll notice on your paycheck, 168 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,989 we've adjusted for desk rental and electrical power usage. 169 00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:38,158 (chuckles) Isn't this a power plant? 170 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:41,094 As defined by the IRS, we are a religion. 171 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:44,532 And that is the last question you'll ask of me. 172 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:49,336 I will break you in one day. 173 00:07:49,369 --> 00:07:51,371 Now we're gonna do a little role-playing 174 00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:52,840 with Smitty and Jacqueline. 175 00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,642 Smitty, pretend you're greeting her. 176 00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:56,143 Uh, have a good one. 177 00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:59,212 Okay, stop right there. A good one, what? 178 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,649 An unspecified object is the devil's wordplay, 179 00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:04,217 so I say, "Come and go with a hidely-ho!" 180 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,819 What a wuss. 181 00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:07,387 I can hear you. 182 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:09,523 Did you help this wuss get this job? 183 00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:11,458 I just told him who to call. 184 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,460 And you didn't put in a good word? 185 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,228 -No. -You idiot. 186 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,631 A recommendation from you would've sunk him for sure. 187 00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:19,867 Okay, what happens if I touch her? 188 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,334 Mm. Go ahead. 189 00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:23,571 Hey, good work today. 190 00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,438 This hardly seems fair! 191 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,010 Your behavior is obnoxious and offensive. 192 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,713 You'll be working for me in a different capacity. 193 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,081 Hmm. 194 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:37,350 (video game sound effects) 195 00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:40,654 -What are you doing, Lisa? -Making an art project. 196 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:43,557 -You color very neatly. -Thank you. 197 00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,325 Pride's a sin. 198 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,361 (groans) So is snitching to God, Rod. 199 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:50,898 I'm Todd. I think. 200 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:52,265 (crow caws) 201 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,267 (snoring) 202 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,770 Homer. Homer. 203 00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:58,706 Hey, hey! (shouting groggily) 204 00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,107 Homer, you were sleeping at work. 205 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:01,742 I had to mop up your drool. 206 00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,777 HOMER: Leave me alone. 207 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,383 To beef up team spirit, I thought I'd form 208 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,052 a little prayer circle at lunch. 209 00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:14,254 Um, if you pray at lunch, 210 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:16,624 aren't you interrupting God's lunch? 211 00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:20,560 Finally, someone thinks about God. 212 00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:25,098 (Todd humming) 213 00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:28,401 Um, Todd, do you have anything else you can do? 214 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,772 -Can I pray for you? -Ugh. If you do it silently. 215 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,607 (quietly): Dear Lord, let Lisa avoid 216 00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:35,575 (louder): the cleansing fire foretold by 217 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:38,578 the Council of Nicaea before they got leprosy! 218 00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:41,615 -That's not silently! -You have such great hearing. 219 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:43,884 (groans) I miss Milhouse. 220 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,453 I knew if I switched from white to dark socks, 221 00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:49,056 things would start happening. 222 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,558 Uh, you wanted to see me? 223 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,926 (sighs) I happen to know 224 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,762 your father didn't die. 225 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:57,765 Look, Ned, you have to learn the way things work around here. 226 00:09:57,798 --> 00:10:00,634 People cut corners. You have to let things slide. 227 00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:05,939 Let me repeat. 228 00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:08,108 Sorry, Homer, I can't cut you any slack. 229 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,844 I owe it to you to help you achieve your potential. 230 00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:13,280 Maybe you could help get me another job at the plant. 231 00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:16,850 One where you don't have to show up, like safety inspector. 232 00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:18,786 But you are the safety inspector. 233 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,620 Then I should really return these things 234 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,622 that have fallen down my back. 235 00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:29,029 They look like gummy worms, but they're not. 236 00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:33,300 I can't take it. I can't take it! 237 00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,502 Why can't he be like our neighbor on the other side, 238 00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,671 who we never see? 239 00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,206 What's the matter, Homie? 240 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,975 (sobbing): Oh, no. No. No. 241 00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:43,176 (door creaks) 242 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:51,785 Eh? 243 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,387 Oh, Lord, it's Homer Simpson. 244 00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:56,656 I forget. Are you seven hours ahead or behind? 245 00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:59,626 Whatever. I really need your help with Flanders. 246 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,795 Could you please get him fired? 247 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:03,864 I feel you. Thanks. 248 00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:06,066 Oh, I reached him. 249 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,735 So, looking through the records, 250 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:11,304 I discovered this company has never given anything to charity. 251 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,973 In fact, it looks as if 252 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,575 we've actually taken money from charities. 253 00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:17,244 Ned, would you mind 254 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,579 if I brought a few associates into this meeting? 255 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,014 (chuckles): Well, no. 256 00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:22,515 -(dogs barking) -(Flanders screams) 257 00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:23,984 -You're fired! -Nice boy, nice boy! 258 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,485 You're welcome to keep any radiation 259 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,054 that seeped into your bones. 260 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:29,089 Speaking of charity, call the orphanage, Smithers. 261 00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,091 We have some leaks in our pipes 262 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,926 and need tiny hands to plug them. 263 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,362 Uh, they said they wouldn't send you any children, sir. 264 00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:37,064 (scoffs) They have to say that. 265 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:42,936 I want to thank you, Homer. You've been a true blue friend. 266 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:45,105 Can we talk about something fun? 267 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,374 I now weigh more than Fat Elvis. 268 00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:49,943 Well, I know I got one advantage you don't. 269 00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:52,279 I got Homer Simpson in my corner. 270 00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:54,948 Um, Ned, I have a confession to make. 271 00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:56,950 Now don't go turning Catholic on me. 272 00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:59,119 I can't. I don't fit in those booths. 273 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,954 Ah, don't worry about me. 274 00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:03,791 I'm sure there's a job out there for a Bob Jones University grad 275 00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,793 who majored in teaching and casting out demons 276 00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,494 and who speaks fluent Aramaic. 277 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,731 -(gasps) -(dog growling) 278 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:14,334 Hmm. Wish Mr. Burns didn't send these home with you. 279 00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:18,571 A word to the wise: don't be cocky. 280 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:21,141 Don't say you can lifeguard if you can't swim. 281 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,610 (chuckles) It'll come up, believe me. 282 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,214 * 283 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,716 One, two, three. One, two, three. 284 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,219 Make sure you keep at least five Bibles between you. 285 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,787 Oh, don't got crazy, Patrick Swayze. 286 00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,488 Time to put Baby in the corner. 287 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,024 (screams) 288 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:43,931 Mm-mmm, mm-mmm. You can't pose for your cover photo like that. 289 00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:47,801 Much better. 290 00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:49,602 (screams) 291 00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:53,640 (sighs) 292 00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,175 (tires screech) 293 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,912 (Flanders groans) 294 00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:02,449 Ned, would you like to say grace? 295 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,417 (clears throat) Heavenly Father, 296 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:07,587 thank you for the blessing of being tested, losing my wife, 297 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,423 losing my second wife, losing four jobs, 298 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:13,760 and losing $23 at blackjack to Bart. 299 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,930 23 chips, so $2,300. 300 00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:20,100 -I'll finish grace at home. -Can you do that? 301 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,335 Yes, I can do that! 302 00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:26,106 Oh, God, now the apologies are gonna start. 303 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,441 I apologize for my tone of voice, 304 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,343 and for the things I said. 305 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,212 And now, as penance, 306 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,814 I will get that skunk out of your birdhouse. 307 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:39,152 I don't care what you say, Marge. We got to help him! 308 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,653 I want to help him. 309 00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:43,323 Good, good. The ice queen begins to thaw. 310 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:46,493 Oh, Lord, give me a sign you're still with me. 311 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,233 Mm. Poor Ned. 312 00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:55,802 It really helps to eat your feelings. 313 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,805 I've got it! I know what job Ned can do! 314 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:02,375 Well, go tell him. He goes to bed in five minutes. 315 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,812 Ned, Ned! You should be what Jesus was! 316 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,214 -A carpenter? -No. 317 00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:08,681 -Fisherman? -No. 318 00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,050 -Foot washer? -No. 319 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,818 -Wine creator? -No. 320 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,153 -Water walker? -No. 321 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,521 -Superstar? -No. 322 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:17,357 -Dashboard ornament? -No! A teacher. 323 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,192 I think you should be a teacher. 324 00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:20,827 Like Jesus. 325 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,795 Lord, should I do it? 326 00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:26,699 And you shall receive it. 327 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,671 He's looking right at us, and he's not doing a thing! 328 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,741 Duffman hates Duffmankind! 329 00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:36,476 Oh, yeah! 330 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:44,417 * Up in the morning and out to school * 331 00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:47,887 * The teacher is teaching the golden rule * 332 00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:50,924 * American history and practical math * 333 00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:52,926 * You studying hard... * 334 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,263 I promised I wouldn't cry on his first day of school. 335 00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:59,099 -(sniffles) -Let's play the frozen game. 336 00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,633 (both grunt) 337 00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,941 So, rub-a-dub-dub, 30 kids and their sub. 338 00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:09,809 Let's be friends, shall we? 339 00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,945 KIDS (chanting): Teacher, teacher, you must quit. 340 00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:14,281 You can't teach us math or lit. 341 00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,749 There's no mercy in the bunch. 342 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:19,419 We will make you leave by lunch. 343 00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,989 Martin Prince? Were you in on that poem? 344 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:24,224 Oh, they paid me. A gig's a gig. 345 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,892 Well, sir, I'm not scared off. 346 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,927 I got two little wild things at home. 347 00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:33,666 Now, who can name the state capitals? 348 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:36,103 -A dingus. -(laughter) 349 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:39,406 Well, in that case, I'm the biggest dingus in the world. 350 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,674 (laughter) 351 00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:44,944 Okay, then, let's give Mr. Flanders 352 00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:47,147 a room 4F salute. 353 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,516 (kids clamoring) 354 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:04,297 Simpson, take the kill shot. 355 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,699 Why me? 356 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:09,802 -Prove your loyalty. -My loyalty to what? 357 00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:11,871 To peer pressure. 358 00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:18,145 Bart Simpson, I know you-- 359 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,547 we've been fishing together, we've gone to church together-- 360 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,950 and if you can fire that spit wad after our long relationship, 361 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,985 I don't deserve to be a teacher. 362 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:28,888 Aah! 363 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,390 (groans): Oh. 364 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:31,724 (school bell rings) 365 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,393 Last lesson, kids. 366 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:36,863 "F" is for foolish and failure and Flanders. 367 00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:38,398 You win. 368 00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:43,970 Yes? 369 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,173 Look, what is your deal? Do you like me? 370 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,974 Do you want to be like me? 371 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,377 Lisa, I have something to show you. 372 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,645 -What? -I made you a little house. 373 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:56,516 There's me praying. There's you at the computer. 374 00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,718 I made you a saxophone out of dried macaroni, 375 00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:01,554 and the crackers on the roof-- they're solar panels. 376 00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:03,523 Todd, I had you all wrong. 377 00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,158 You're a wonderful kid, 378 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,527 and I'm happy to call you my pal. 379 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,663 So glad I have a friend. I'm really sick of my brother. 380 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,365 Okay, that's enough. 381 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:17,570 What's the matter, Homer? 382 00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:20,373 (sighs) I think I ruined Flanders' life. 383 00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:21,608 BART: Join the club. 384 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,210 What are you doing here? 385 00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:26,079 I come here for a G&T-- gumball and talk. 386 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,916 Here you go, pal. 387 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,188 Listen, you've got to apologize to Flanders. 388 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,090 Why don't you apologize to Flanders? 389 00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:39,592 You're the one who prayed for him to get fired. 390 00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:42,395 What? He should apologize to me, because he... 391 00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:45,532 well, he... he makes me feel so damn guilty! 392 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,900 All right, I'll apologize, too. 393 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,870 What's she doing here? 394 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,072 Hello. She's my designated driver. 395 00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:02,249 (knock on door) 396 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,884 Hey, fellas. What brings you here? 397 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,386 We came to say we're sorry, 398 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,555 and we want you to go back to teaching. 399 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,223 Oh, with all I've been through, 400 00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:13,059 I've never questioned my faith until now. 401 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:15,562 You spit-wadded my moustache, boy. 402 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,764 I think you could be a great teacher. 403 00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:19,766 Almost as good as her. 404 00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,903 (sniffles) Thank you, son. 405 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,905 * 406 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:29,242 Remember, if you can teach one kid one thing, 407 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,411 then today will be a success. 408 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,413 She never gave up. 409 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,482 -Neither will I. -Great. 410 00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,650 Now, this counts as a parent-teacher conference 411 00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,085 and a Christmas concert. 412 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,487 Well, that's all well and good, 413 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,822 but I got to get those kids to respect me. 414 00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,825 Do people respect God? No, they fear him. 415 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:49,762 It's never personal, just business. 416 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,931 (thunder rumbling) 417 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,167 Just leave everything to me. 418 00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:55,968 -(school bell rings) -(Willie humming) 419 00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,338 (kids clamoring) 420 00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:00,440 Listen up, children. If you push hard enough 421 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,476 on the pudding skin, there's a tough cup of vanilla beneath. 422 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,546 -Now take your seats. -How you gonna make us? 423 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:07,814 (Bart hums) 424 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,653 I won't. The good Lord will. 425 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:16,289 (kids exclaiming) 426 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,291 Haw... Huh? 427 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:19,992 (whimpers) 428 00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:23,530 The scariest thing is we don't have a class skeleton! 429 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,532 (screams) 430 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:28,000 Truly, God is the biggest bully of them all. 431 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:29,536 KIDS: Amen. 432 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,575 Now, Nelson, I'm not gonna ask you to stand 433 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,310 and read me a list of state capitals, 434 00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:39,812 but the good Lord might be pleased. 435 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:43,816 Albany, Annapolis, Atlanta, Augusta, Austin, Baton Rouge... 436 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,352 (school bell rings) 437 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,420 Does the Lord hear the bell up there? 438 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,155 Yes, son, he does. 439 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,190 (excited chatter) 440 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,028 Thank you, Bart. I knew, deep within you, 441 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,531 there was a good boy, and I respectfully request 442 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:01,000 that those be the last two pranks you pull. 443 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,035 You know it, man. 444 00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,510 FLANDERS: Wow, they're quiet. 445 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,112 I'm reaching them. Edna was right. 446 00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,181 MILHOUSE: Hmm. Does that cute school nurse 447 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,049 know that I'm alive? 448 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:20,253 Because last time I left her office, I was legally dead. 449 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:23,290 SHERRI: I have to beat Terri to a training bra. 450 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:25,625 BART: I wonder how much I can sell Maggie for. 451 00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:28,628 HAMSTER: I'm starting to think this wheel doesn't go anywhere. 452 00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,108 Shh! 453 00:21:19,011 --> 00:21:20,980 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH