1 00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:08,341 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:11,052 (bell rings) 3 00:00:12,721 --> 00:00:14,431 (work whistle blows) 4 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,853 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 5 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:32,407 (jazzy solo) 6 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,575 (tires screech) 7 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:37,037 D'oh! 8 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,289 -Aah! -(tires screech) 9 00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:58,099 {\an8}(Krusty laughing, alarm clock buzzing) 10 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,060 {\an8}Good morning, world! 11 00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:02,604 {\an8}Ow! 12 00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:03,730 {\an8}(whistling) 13 00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,106 {\an8}Ow... Ow... 14 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,608 {\an8}(Bart whistling) 15 00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:07,901 {\an8}Good morning, Lisa. 16 00:01:07,984 --> 00:01:09,694 {\an8}What are you so happy about? 17 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,321 {\an8}Why shouldn't I be happy? 18 00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:13,448 {\an8}It's a beautiful day, my homework is done, 19 00:01:13,531 --> 00:01:15,742 {\an8}I got my mojo working, and we're going on a field trip 20 00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,660 {\an8}this afternoon. 21 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:19,454 {\an8}And looks like I got me 22 00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:22,749 {\an8}a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge. 23 00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:25,126 {\an8}Hmm... 24 00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:28,379 {\an8}Hey, it's not in here. 25 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:29,881 {\an8}You stole it! 26 00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:32,550 {\an8}No one wants your stupid police badge, Bart. 27 00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:34,010 {\an8}Hey, look what I got-- 28 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,137 {\an8}a genuine official police badge. 29 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:37,305 {\an8}Calling all cars. 30 00:01:37,388 --> 00:01:39,099 {\an8}Come out with your hands up. 31 00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:40,934 {\an8}Hey, that's my badge, Homer. 32 00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:42,602 {\an8}That's Officer Homer. 33 00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:44,312 (Homer chuckles) 34 00:01:44,395 --> 00:01:47,023 Lousy prize-grabbing, badge-wearing... 35 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,024 Aah! 36 00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:50,985 You ate my homework? 37 00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:55,990 I didn't know dogs really did that. 38 00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:58,034 (horn honking) 39 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,872 wait! Wait! 40 00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:06,543 (panting) 41 00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:23,810 D'oh! 42 00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:25,228 Bart Simpson, you're late. 43 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,272 Go fill out a tardy slip. 44 00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:30,191 But I'm only five... 10, 20... 40 minutes? 45 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:31,609 That's pretty damn late. 46 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,653 BOY: Come on, over this way. 47 00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:34,904 Hey, girls 48 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:35,905 look at me! 49 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,115 (ripping) 50 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,659 You can stop looking at me now. 51 00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:40,994 Ooh! 52 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:43,413 (groaning) 53 00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:44,873 Well, it's nearly 1:00, 54 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:47,333 -and you know what that means. -(cheering) 55 00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,460 That's right! It's time for our field trip 56 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:51,421 to the chocolate factory. 57 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:54,090 I trust that you all remembered to bring your permission slips? 58 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:59,345 Aah! 59 00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:01,055 Ugh! 60 00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:04,058 Oh, what a day. 61 00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:06,644 LISA: I'm going to eat eight pieces of chocolate. 62 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,313 I'm gonna eat chocolate till I barf. 63 00:03:08,396 --> 00:03:10,857 (chuckling) Don't worry, Bart. 64 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,193 We'll find something fun for you to do. 65 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,570 Ah, here we are. Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes 66 00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:17,113 for the P.T.A. 67 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,740 You're making me lick envelopes? 68 00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:20,575 Oh, licking envelopes can be fun. 69 00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:22,160 All you have to do is make a game of it. 70 00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:24,037 What kind of game? 71 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,122 Well, for example, you can see how many you can lick in an hour. 72 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,208 Then try to break that record. 73 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,251 Sounds like a pretty crappy game to me. 74 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,212 Yes, well, get started. 75 00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:38,259 (excited chattering) 76 00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:39,385 Oh, my God! 77 00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:42,388 It's Cocoa Beanie himself. 78 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:45,391 I think this is something Bart would really have enjoyed, 79 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,435 but it's the only way he'll learn. 80 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,689 TEACHER: Shh! 81 00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:54,692 Welcome to the chocolate factory. 82 00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:56,277 I'm Troy McClure. 83 00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:57,779 You probably remember me from such films 84 00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,781 as The Revenge of Abe Lincoln 85 00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:02,158 and The Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West. 86 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,911 The history of chocolate starts with the ancient Aztecs. 87 00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,996 In those days, 88 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,831 instead of being wrapped in a hygienic package, 89 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,167 chocolate was wrapped in a tobacco leaf. 90 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:14,170 And instead of being pure chocolate like we have today, 91 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,089 it was mixed with shredded tobacco, 92 00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:18,591 and they didn't eat it-- they smoked it. 93 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,222 You didn't believe me when I said it would be fun, did you? 94 00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:25,848 No, "thir." 95 00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:36,234 (groaning) 96 00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:38,361 (kids cheering) 97 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:40,071 (excited chattering) 98 00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:50,039 My glasses! 99 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,083 Please, kids, play sanitary. 100 00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:56,212 (grunting) 101 00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,092 (scraping) 102 00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:04,554 -Tan I doe now? -What? 103 00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:06,055 "Tan... 104 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:09,475 I... doe... now?" 105 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,019 Hmm... 106 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:13,271 Well, there's still a minute to go. 107 00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:14,939 Oh, why not? 108 00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:16,691 But don't you tell your teacher I let you go home early. 109 00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:19,235 Die don't. 110 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,239 (thunderclap) 111 00:05:24,365 --> 00:05:26,701 (kids laughing) 112 00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,163 Aah! 113 00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:31,414 Ugh!... Aah!... Unh!... 114 00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:33,041 Son of a-- (grunts) 115 00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:35,001 -What next? -(guns click) 116 00:05:35,084 --> 00:05:36,919 Uh-oh. 117 00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:46,512 -Hey, what's with the kid? -Hands off the material. 118 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,264 What do you know? The kid's tough. 119 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,141 He's got spunk. 120 00:05:50,224 --> 00:05:51,351 I wonder if he is lucky also. 121 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:52,393 Pick a horse, kid. 122 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:54,145 Shelbyville Downs, third race. 123 00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:56,397 -Make it a good one. -Eat my shorts. 124 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,441 Eat My Shorts. 125 00:05:58,524 --> 00:05:59,984 Okay, let's see. 126 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,527 Hey, wait a minute, you little punk! 127 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,321 Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race. 128 00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:04,822 I said the third race. 129 00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:06,699 -Don't have a cow. -Hmm. 130 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:07,909 Don't Have A Cow in the third. 131 00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:10,203 Put a deuce on him. 132 00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:13,915 While we are waiting, to see how lucky you are, let me show you around. 133 00:06:13,998 --> 00:06:15,833 This is our bar, 134 00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:18,419 and over there is our slot machine and card tables. 135 00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:19,462 Cool. 136 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,631 Hey, Buzz, here's the call for the third race. 137 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:23,549 ANNOUNCER: As they come out of the turn, 138 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,219 it's Suffering Succotash by a neck over Yabba-Dabba-Do, 139 00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:27,929 two lengths back Ain't I A Stinker, and That's All Folks. 140 00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,806 I Am What I Am can see them all. 141 00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:32,016 But here comes Don't Have A Cow flying on the outside, 142 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,685 and at the wire, it's all Don't Have A Cow. 143 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,521 Hey, I like this kid. 144 00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:38,272 I can't believe we were going to shoot him. 145 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:40,358 -Can you mix drinks? -I don't know. 146 00:06:40,441 --> 00:06:42,985 -I'll have a Manhattan. -Make Legs a Manhattan. 147 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,946 -I'm not sure I-- -(guns cocking) 148 00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:47,532 (gulps) Mmm, mmm... 149 00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:49,617 Mm-hmm. 150 00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:52,745 Hmm. 151 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,373 (ice shaking) 152 00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:57,583 (liquid pouring) 153 00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:03,589 (slurping) 154 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,551 -(sloshing) -Well? 155 00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:07,969 Superb. 156 00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:12,682 MARGE: You got a job? Doing what? 157 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,851 Uh, I don't know. 158 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,144 Mixing drinks, picking horses 159 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,312 cutting cigars. You know, a job. 160 00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:21,149 Bart, your father and I don't want you doing that. 161 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:23,401 -Homer, say something. -How much does it pay? 162 00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:24,861 -Thirty bucks a week. -(raspberries) 163 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:27,572 I make more than that. 164 00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:30,324 ♪♪ ("One Fine Day" plays) 165 00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:32,743 ♪ One fine day ♪ 166 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:35,496 ♪ You'll look at me ♪ 167 00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:38,207 ♪ And you will know love was ♪ 168 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,793 ♪ Meant to be ♪ 169 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,379 ♪ One fine day ♪ 170 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,924 ♪ You're gonna want me for your girl ♪ 171 00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:48,134 (gasps) 172 00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:51,220 I was looking for those. Thanks, doll. 173 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,930 (grumbles) 174 00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:55,183 ♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show ♪ 175 00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:03,691 (screaming) 176 00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:16,078 (laughing) 177 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,247 It's funny because it's true. 178 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,540 Well observed. 179 00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:25,963 Chief Wiggum, you honor us with your presence. 180 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:27,340 Baloney! I'm not gonna rest 181 00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,926 until one of us is behind bars-- you. 182 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,803 You wouldn't happen to know anything about a cigarette truck 183 00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:35,097 that got hijacked on Route 401? 184 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,349 What's a truck? 185 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,100 Don't play dumb with me. 186 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,353 Relax, Chief. You seem tense. 187 00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:43,439 You know, the boy here makes an excellent Manhattan. 188 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,316 Ah! 189 00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:46,984 I'm still going to put you away, ya' know. 190 00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:48,486 Good for you. 191 00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:50,863 ♪♪ (humming tune) 192 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,783 (gasps) Bart! Have you started smoking? 193 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,160 -No. -Don't lie to me, boy. 194 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:57,370 Uh-huh! Cigarettes. 195 00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:59,539 Just as I thought. 196 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,999 They're not mine. My boss said his warehouse was full. 197 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,543 Yeah, right. 198 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,503 Son, I'm going to teach you a lesson. 199 00:09:05,586 --> 00:09:07,213 I'm going to stand here 200 00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:10,758 and watch you smoke every one of those cigarettes. 201 00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:12,343 Then maybe you'll learn. 202 00:09:12,426 --> 00:09:13,844 Fat Tony sent me over to pick up the goods. 203 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,388 Right in here, my man. 204 00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,515 Hey kid, you look good with that cigarette-- 205 00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:19,392 kind of sophisticated. 206 00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:21,686 Son, I'll never doubt you again. 207 00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:24,021 MAN (on TV): The contents of the hijacked truck-- 208 00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:26,732 some 12,000 cartons of Laramie 100s. 209 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,484 (reporters yelling) 210 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:29,777 We have-- Please! 211 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:31,862 We have a number of leads. 212 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,407 And let me assure all you smokers out there, 213 00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,242 there is no shortage of cigarettes. 214 00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:38,953 How do we know that? 215 00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:41,747 Let me refer that back to Jack Larson of Laramie Tobacco Products. 216 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,083 -Jack? -Thank you, Chief. 217 00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:47,169 Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload of Laramies 218 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:50,298 with their smooth good taste and rich tobacco flavor 219 00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:52,133 is already heading toward Springfield, 220 00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,051 and the driver has been instructed 221 00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:56,053 to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks. 222 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:58,139 (cheering) 223 00:09:58,222 --> 00:10:00,558 {\an8}Police suspect the involvement of reputed mobster 224 00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:03,144 William "Fat Tony" Williams. 225 00:10:03,227 --> 00:10:06,522 Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, 226 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,357 and I am the... 227 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,151 Uh, what cures cancer? 228 00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:13,821 -Bart, is your boss a crook? -I don't think so, 229 00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:16,073 although it would explain an awful lot. 230 00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:19,368 Me and the boys wish to thank you 231 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,662 for hanging on to this stuff for us. 232 00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:22,830 Thanks. 233 00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,540 Uh... say 234 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,208 are you guys crooks? 235 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:30,087 Bart, um... is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread 236 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,423 -to feed your starving family? -No. 237 00:10:32,506 --> 00:10:34,425 Well, suppose you got a large starving family. 238 00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:37,261 Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them? 239 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:41,182 -Uh-uh. -And what if your family don't like bread? 240 00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:43,809 -They like cigarettes. -I guess that's okay. 241 00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:46,312 Now, what if instead of giving them away 242 00:10:46,395 --> 00:10:47,813 you sold them at a price 243 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,191 that was practically giving them away? 244 00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:52,276 Would that be a crime, Bart? 245 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,861 Hell, no. 246 00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:55,321 Enjoy your gift. 247 00:10:57,448 --> 00:10:59,825 Superb. 248 00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,495 ♪ Those fingers through my hair ♪ 249 00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:05,665 ♪ That sly come-hither stare ♪ 250 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,334 ♪ That strips my conscience bare ♪ 251 00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:10,378 ♪ It's witchcraft ♪ 252 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,672 Give me three fingers of milk, Ma. 253 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,715 (grumbling) 254 00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:17,468 I know it's good for a boy to have a part-time job, 255 00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:20,721 but I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. 256 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,349 -I think they're criminals. -A job's a job. 257 00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:26,977 I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, 258 00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,939 by your logic, that would make me a criminal. 259 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:32,108 Bart's been acting very strangely. 260 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,276 And that pizza delivery truck 261 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,029 has been parked across the street for two weeks. 262 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,532 How long does it take to deliver a pizza? 263 00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:40,866 Looks like our cover's blown. 264 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:41,951 Let's roll. 265 00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:45,830 See? It was all your imagination. 266 00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:48,499 Homer, I want you to go down to that club 267 00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:50,042 and talk to them. 268 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,586 See what kind of people they are. 269 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,588 Please, Homie. 270 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:56,465 Oh, all right. 271 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,177 Hmm. 272 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:01,554 (Homer chuckling ) 273 00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:03,472 Read 'em and weep, boys. 274 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,890 Another pair of sixes. 275 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,685 -Beats me. -I was bluffing. 276 00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:10,479 -You win again, Homer. -(Homer chuckling) 277 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,314 I am thrilled you've decided to let your boy 278 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,358 continue to work here. 279 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:15,735 Y'know, if you need a hat-check girl, I've got a daughter. 280 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,404 Homer, you're a hell of a father. 281 00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:22,074 Homer! What did you find out? 282 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,452 Marge, the only thing going on down there 283 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:25,745 was a lot of male bonding. 284 00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:27,663 More stink lines, boys. 285 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,749 -(gasping) -Hmm? 286 00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:31,876 What's this? What are you boys doing? 287 00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,461 (yawns loudly) 288 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,671 You didn't see nothing. Now, beat it. 289 00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:46,891 So, Fat Tony, you invite me and my associates to your club 290 00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:49,643 with the promise of the finest Manhattans in all of Springfield. 291 00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:52,313 Now you say your bartender isn't here? 292 00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:54,690 I don't know what happened. He's never late. 293 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,233 Louie, make up some Manhattans. 294 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,194 But I only know how to make wine spritzers. 295 00:12:58,277 --> 00:12:59,278 Now! 296 00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,993 (slurping) 297 00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:11,165 What have I done to deserve this flat, flavorless Manhattan? 298 00:13:16,545 --> 00:13:17,671 Mmm... 299 00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:20,841 Come on, boys. 300 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,928 The kiss of death. 301 00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:25,012 That's all I need. 302 00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:28,766 (grumbling) 303 00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:30,643 ...lousy Skinner. 304 00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:34,772 -You are late for work. -Of course I'm late for work! 305 00:13:34,855 --> 00:13:37,650 How can I be on time when Principal Skinner keeps me after school? 306 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,443 This guy Skinner is causing you trouble? 307 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,070 He sure is, patron. 308 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:42,988 Hmm. Perhaps we should go 309 00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:45,616 to meet and greet this individual. 310 00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:46,617 Come on, boys. 311 00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,123 Some large men to see you, sir. 312 00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:56,418 I don't have an appointment with any large men. 313 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,838 You Skinner? 314 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,923 I'm Principal Skinner, yes. 315 00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:04,134 And how, may I ask, did you get past the hall monitors? 316 00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:08,973 (snickering) 317 00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:13,227 Children, I don't know how to break this to you, 318 00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:15,104 but Principal Skinner is... 319 00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:16,981 missing. 320 00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:19,650 (cheering) 321 00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:20,776 Uh-oh. 322 00:14:29,743 --> 00:14:30,786 -(gasps) -Wha-- 323 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,830 (sputtering) 324 00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,748 Hm-mmm. 325 00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:37,877 I thought I found him, but it was only a cat. 326 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,843 -Chief Wiggum? -Chief Wiggum? 327 00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:47,761 Now, please. Please, I can assure you 328 00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:51,015 we'll be using the most advanced scientific techniques 329 00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,600 in the field of... 330 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:53,767 body finding. 331 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,647 I see wedding bells 332 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,108 for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy. 333 00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:04,028 Please, Princess Opal, if we could just stick to Principal Skinner. 334 00:15:04,111 --> 00:15:07,615 Chief Wiggum, I am merely a conduit for the spirits. 335 00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:10,492 (gasps) Willie Nelson will astound his fans 336 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,077 by swimming the English Channel. 337 00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:13,162 Really? Willie Nelson? 338 00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:19,376 He loved fire drills. 339 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,962 Will you get a hold of yourself, lass 340 00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:23,005 for the wee bairns. 341 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:24,798 Hey! Look at me! 342 00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:27,426 -I'm Skinner's body. -That is not funny, Louis. 343 00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:29,720 Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot. 344 00:15:29,803 --> 00:15:32,514 I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us at lunch. 345 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,683 I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters. 346 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,226 That's not true. It's just a rumor. 347 00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:38,062 You're engaged in speculation. 348 00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:39,813 I know the law. You can't prove anything. 349 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:45,486 (groaning) 350 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:49,615 Whaa! 351 00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:51,283 You killed me, Bart! 352 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:52,952 (screams) 353 00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,286 -Nuhh... -Nuhh... 354 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,287 Nuhh! 355 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,252 (gurgling) You killed me, Bart! 356 00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:04,254 (screams) 357 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,260 You k-k-killed me, Bart. 358 00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:16,266 (screaming) 359 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,060 (grunting) 360 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:21,271 Reverend Lovejoy! 361 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,440 You've come to comfort me? 362 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,733 Yes, Bart. 363 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,485 There, there. 364 00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:28,278 There, there. 365 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,905 (jeering) 366 00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:34,159 Kill my boy. 367 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,160 Kill my boy. 368 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:42,459 There. 369 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,509 (screaming) 370 00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:57,725 You're eight hours early for work. 371 00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:58,726 I like that. 372 00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:00,144 Did you kill my principal? 373 00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,146 Uh, Chinese guy with a moustache? 374 00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:03,772 No. My principal! 375 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,734 That Skinner guy? No, we didn't kill him. 376 00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:08,527 Nobody move! You're all under arrest 377 00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,988 for the murder of Seymour Skinner. 378 00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,949 -What's a murder? -Don't play dumb with me. 379 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,242 Cuff 'em, boys. 380 00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:20,789 Oh, Bart. 381 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,499 Why couldn't you have gotten a paper route 382 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:23,876 like other boys? 383 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,335 Wait till I get you home, boy. 384 00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:26,879 What's that guy doing here? 385 00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:28,547 Lionel hats, court appointed attorney. 386 00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,090 I'll be defending you on the charge of... 387 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:31,717 murder one! 388 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,886 Wow. Even if I lose I'll be famous. 389 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:40,059 That Simpson boy is looking at 180 years. 390 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:43,562 Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime 391 00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:46,857 that a ten-year old child can be tried as an adult. 392 00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:49,193 I didn't order this Skinner guy killed. 393 00:17:49,276 --> 00:17:51,195 But aren't you the head of this gang? 394 00:17:51,278 --> 00:17:53,197 No. I just stop by the club occasionally 395 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,491 to read the complimentary newspaper. 396 00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,036 Then who is the kingpin, the capo di tutti capi? 397 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,872 -That's the guy. -Hey! 398 00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:04,208 Forgive me, Don Bartholomew. 399 00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:05,959 We tried to stop the kid, 400 00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,878 but he wouldn't quit. It was like he went crazy. 401 00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:10,672 Prostitution, loan sharking, numbers... 402 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:14,384 the kid liked to wet his beak in everything. 403 00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:17,387 Mr. Simpson, you've been the boy's father for ten years. 404 00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:19,556 Do you really think he could be the leader 405 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,059 of a murderous criminal syndicate? 406 00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:23,352 Well, not the leader... 407 00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:24,853 I mean... 408 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,147 Oh, it's true, it's true! 409 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,857 All the pieces fit. 410 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,026 (audience murmuring) 411 00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:35,239 Now, in light of the damning testimony 412 00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:37,241 from your fellow gangsters, your father, 413 00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:39,159 your teachers, and a seemingly endless parade 414 00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:41,787 of emotionally shattered baby-sitters, 415 00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:44,248 this court has no choice but to... 416 00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:45,999 -Stop! -(crowd gasps) 417 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,961 -MARGE: Principal Skinner! -I thought he was dead. 418 00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:51,088 I suppose you're all wondering where I 've been. 419 00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:53,882 It all started a week ago. I was at my desk 420 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,218 revising and updating the school dress codes 421 00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:59,012 when I was suddenly confronted by a gang of toughs 422 00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:01,890 acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson... 423 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,308 or so they said. 424 00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:05,269 We really think there's promise in the boy. 425 00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:08,438 -Get out! -Okay, okay. You don't have to yell. 426 00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,232 To get my mind off that ugly confrontation 427 00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:13,819 I went home and began bundling my old newspapers. 428 00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:16,989 But suddenly the pile fell. I was trapped. 429 00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:19,700 Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently. 430 00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:23,328 For the next week, I stayed alive by eating my mother's delicious preserves 431 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:25,414 and maintained my sanity 432 00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,249 by dribbling a nearby basketball with my one free hand. 433 00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:30,002 I made a game of it. Seeing how many times 434 00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:33,088 I could bounce the ball in a day, then trying to break that record. 435 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:36,216 Occasionally, the police arrived to search my home. 436 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,968 Find anything this time, boys? 437 00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:39,803 -No sign of him, Chief. -Princess opal? 438 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,306 I see nothing here. But I'm afraid it's Splitsville 439 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,682 for Delta Burke and Major Dad. 440 00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:45,726 But they seemed so happy. 441 00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:49,062 I shouted until I was hoarse, but they couldn't hear me. 442 00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:50,772 I'm in here! 443 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:53,817 -WIGGUM: Well, let's go. -Okay, Chief. 444 00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:56,195 Finally, I realized if I was ever going to get out of there, 445 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,030 I would have to do it myself. 446 00:19:58,113 --> 00:19:59,448 I formed a crude rocket 447 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:01,366 from a discarded cigar tube. 448 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,202 And remembering an experiment from my days 449 00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:04,995 as a fourth-grade science teacher, 450 00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:06,580 I concocted a fuel from baking soda 451 00:20:06,663 --> 00:20:08,707 and the juice of discarded lemon wedges. 452 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:12,586 The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide 453 00:20:12,669 --> 00:20:14,463 dragging behind it, the end of a vacuum cleaner cord. 454 00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:17,049 I grabbed onto the vacuum cleaner, 455 00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:19,343 pushed the cord-retractor button 456 00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:21,637 and was on my way to freedom. 457 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,722 And that's my courageous story. 458 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,516 (cheering) 459 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,019 Your Honor, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony 460 00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:30,229 be stricken from the record. 461 00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:32,773 Denied. Case dismissed. 462 00:20:32,856 --> 00:20:33,815 Your honor... 463 00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:36,026 uh, do I still get paid? 464 00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:39,988 Hey, Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings. 465 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,366 -Get bent. -I deserve that. 466 00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:44,993 Look, I know we let you down, but me and the boys, 467 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:46,995 we still think you've got a big future 468 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,373 in racketeering and extortion. 469 00:20:49,456 --> 00:20:52,251 Sorry Fat Tony. I used to think your gang was cool, 470 00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:55,212 but now I learned that crime doesn't pay. 471 00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:57,214 Yeah, you're right. 472 00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:10,185 Blood on the Blackboard: the Bart Simpson Story, 473 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,104 starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, 474 00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:14,064 Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony, 475 00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:16,483 Jane Seymour as the woman he loved, 476 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:20,279 and TV's Doogie Howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson. 477 00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:22,364 Bart, I'm scared. Let's get out of here. 478 00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:24,241 Shut up. Where do you want it, Skinner? 479 00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:26,868 (spits) 480 00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:29,288 Not smart. 481 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,875 {\an8}-Cool! -Hey, when do we get the check for this? 482 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,044 Well, they said they changed it just enough 483 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,671 so they don't have to pay us. 484 00:21:37,754 --> 00:21:40,257 You know who the real crooks are-- 485 00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:42,259 those sleazy Hollywood producers. 486 00:21:45,762 --> 00:21:49,141 ♪♪ 487 00:22:49,826 --> 00:22:50,744 Shh! 488 00:22:54,414 --> 00:22:57,667 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.