(clearing throat) Hello, everyone.
Before last year's Halloween show
I warned you not to let your children watch,
but you did anyway.
Well, this year's episode is even worse.
It's scarier, more violent,
and I think they snuck in some bad language too.
So please, tuck in your children and--
(groans)
Well, if you didn't listen to me last time
you're not going to now.
Enjoy the show.
(thunder crashes)
♪♪
(wolf howl)
(evil laughter)
(ghostly shriek)
NEWSCASTER: And to conclude this Halloween newscast
on a scary note:
Remember, the presidential primaries
are only a few months away.
Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia.
(doorbell)
BOTH: Trick or treat, man.
Hey, aren't you a little old for this?
You're not even wearing costumes.
Hand over the candy, old dude
or we egg your house back to the Stone Age.
Here you go, kids.
Heh-heh, heh.
Lousy punks.
(splatter)
D'oh!
(kids laughing)
We're home.
Aah... whoo!
Get a good haul this year?
Jackpot!
I'm very, very proud of you kids.
We would have gotten more if Lisa could walk faster.
I didn't select this costume for mobility.
I wore it to salute
the noble native Americans of the Pacific Northwest.
Yaahh!
(laughing)
Now, children, you can have one piece of candy tonight,
and save the rest for-- (groans)
If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares.
Oh, yeah, everybody in this family
is gonna have a bad nightmare tonight.
Oh, yeah, three bad nightmares.
I'd like to see that. Heh-heh-heh.
(thunderclap)
Ooh.
(speaking Arabic)
What a dump!
Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
-Dad, that's Monaco. -D'oh!
I can do that, but I don't want to.
Ugh! What is this thing?
It is a monkey's paw, dating back to Al-al Ben Abdallah.
It has the power to grant wishes to its owner.
Oh, yeah? How much?
Sir, I must strongly advise you, do not purchase this.
Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune.
I myself was once president of Algeria.
Come on, pal, I don't want to hear your life story. Paw me.
Eww, Homer. Where did you get that ugly thing?
Why, at that little shop right over... there.
(gasps)
Oh, no, wait, it was over there.
You'll be sorry.
MAN (on PA): Flight #7, Marrakech to Springfield,
now boarding.
Just a moment.
(yelling in Arabic)
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
They're souvenirs.
You must pay a fine of two American dollars.
Okay.
Let's wish for x-ray specs that really work.
No, Bart-- peace on earth.
-X-ray specs. -Peace on earth.
Forget it, you two. As the pants-wearer of this house,
I get the first wish.
Homer, there's something I don't like
about that severed hand.
Marge, don't flake out on me.
That monkey's paw is gonna make our dreams come true.
Oh, no! Maggie made a wish.
(horn honks)
Oh, my land!
Ooh! A luxury car.
Good baby.
Good Maggie.
MARGE: Ohh, a new pacifier.
D'oh!
Okay, no more foolin' around. Paw, this is Bart.
I wish for the Simpsons to be rich and famous.
Now you're talking.
BOTH: Yay!
Woohoo!
Look, everybody. My purse exploded!
Come on, everybody.
We're going to the fanciest restaurant in town.
MAITRE 'D: I'm terribly sorry.
I have absolutely nothing until June.
Ah, the Simpsons!
Right this way, please.
Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say.
If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons,
I swear I'm going to scream.
At first they were cute and funny,
but now they're just annoying.
18 bucks for this? What a rip-off.
♪ Man smart, the woman is smarter ♪
♪ Man smart, The woman is smarter ♪
Man, this thing's really getting out of hand.
Is there anything they won't do?
Oh, Homer, this is awful.
Come to think of it, the guy that sold me this thing
did say the wishes would bring grave misfortune.
I thought he was just being colorful.
I wish for world peace.
Lisa, that was very selfish of you!
Sorry about the Falklands, old boy.
Oh, forget it.
We kind of knew they were yours.
Well, won't be needing these anymore.
♪ Come on, people now, smile on your brother ♪
♪ Everybody get together ♪
♪ Try to love one another right now ♪
Foolish humans.
Oh, yes, Kodos.
Earth is now ripe for the plucking.
(menacing laughter)
(menacing laughter continues)
People of Earth,
we come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace.
Now, let's be reasonable.
We can resolve our differences peacefully.
Uh... ow!
Your superior intellect
is no match for our puny weapons.
Gordon, you've got to do something.
What do you want me to do?
I'm a baker now.
They conquered us with a club.
Wish we'd saved an A-bomb or two.
Move along humans.
(groaning)
This is all the Simpsons' fault.
Before I was just bored with their antics and their merchandise.
Now I wish they were dead.
Geez, now we're slaves. This paw sucks.
Okay, okay, I'll make a wish that can't backfire.
I wish for a turkey sandwich
on rye bread
with lettuce and mustard
and-- and I don't want any zombie turkeys.
I don't want to turn into a turkey myself
and I don't want any other weird surprises, you got it?
Hey!
Hmm... mmm!
Mmm... not bad.
Nice hot mustard...
good bread...
turkey's a little dry...
The turkey's a little dry?!
Oh, foul the cursed thing!
What demon from the depths of hell
created thee?
Hey, fellow slave.
Is that one of those monkey paw dealies
that lets you wish for things?
Yeah, but I got to warn you
that this thing is--
Yeah, that's what it is.
You want to try it?
Okely-dokely.
Ooh, would you look at that.
Aahh!
Kneel before my slingshot, puny earthling!
Well, I guess my first wish
is to get rid of those awful aliens.
Aahh! He's got a board with a nail in it!
Enslave humanity, will ya?!
Run, Kodos!
Ha-ha-ha!
Well, Kang, it seems the earthlings won.
Did they?
That board with the nail in it may have defeated us,
but the humans won't stop there.
They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails.
Soon they will make a board with a nail so big
it will destroy them all!
(menacing laughter)
(cheering)
Hey, Homer,
this little thingumajig really works great.
Now that I've saved the earth,
maybe I ought to spruce up the old homestead.
I wish I had a monkey's paw.
LISA: Bart?
Bart?
Huh? What's the matter?
I had a bad dream.
Could I sleep in your bed?
No.
I'll give you a candy necklace.
Climb aboard.
Thanks, Bart.
Less talk, more sleep.
NARRATOR: Presented for your consideration:
Springfield-- an average little town
with a not-so-average monster.
VOICES: Happy thoughts. Happy, happy, happy...
NARRATOR: The people of Springfield have to make sure
they think happy thoughts and say happy things
because this particular monster
can read minds,
and if displeased
can turn people into grotesque walking terrors.
Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
Boy, I'm getting mighty sick of this.
Huh?
Ruff, ruff, ruff. Bow-wow.
NARRATOR: And did I mention
that the monster is a ten-year-old boy?
Quite a twist, huh?
Betcha didn't see that one coming.
Good morning.
(spitting)
-Morning. -Good morning, dear.
Hiya, Bart. How's my boy?
(nervous laughing)
-(meowing, purring) -Every day, same old cat.
I'll make him more interesting.
(screaming)
Ah, there. That's better.
Much better.
Oh, good, the curtains are on fire.
It's good that you made that awful thing, Bart.
It's real good.
Hadn't you better get ready for school?
Okay.
He gets it from your side of the family, you know.
No monsters on my side.
-Hi, guys. -Aahh!
Hi, Otto. Move over, I'm driving.
No can do, little buddy.
See, there's a rule--
Oh, wait. You're the little dude
with all the gnarly powers.
(kids screaming)
Quit riding the brake, Otto.
Give it some gas, man.
Hey, this is fun, isn't it?
We're going to die, aren't we?
BOTH: Hiya, Bart!
TEACHER: Well, class,
the history of our country has been changed again
to correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test.
(all groaning)
America was now discovered in 1942 by...
"some guy"
and our country isn't called America anymore.
It's Bonerland.
Your attention, please.
This is Principal Skinner.
Bart, this one's for you.
(pitch pipe)
♪ Hello, my baby ♪
♪ Hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my ragtime gal ♪
♪ Send me your kiss... ♪
Phone.
ALL (mumbling): Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...
Moe's Tavern.
Hold on. I'll check.
Uh, hey, everybody.
I'm a stupid moron
with an ugly face and a big butt
and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
(laughing)
BARNEY: That's a new one!
Wait a minute.
(laughing)
(fake laughing)
SKINNER: One more time.
(pitch pipe)
♪ Hello, my baby ♪
♪ Hello, my honey, hello, my ragtime gal ♪
Double time now.
I love school.
(yelps)
Come on, come on. Make it, make it, make it.
Please, please, please.
I want to watch Krusty.
Shut up, boy.
If they make this field goal,
I win 50 bucks.
ANNOUNCER: The kick is up.
It's looking good.
The ball is turning into a fat, bald guy.
Aahh!... oof!
ANNOUNCER: And it's no good, and you know what we say
every time something strange happens--
it's good that Bart did that.
It's very good.
(weary laugh)
Well, we're still on.
346 consecutive hours
and all because of one little boy who--
who won't let me stop!
Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel
has any more of those legal
over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his.
(kids cheering)
(thinking) Slowly, slowly.
Don't make a sound. Don't even think
because he can hear your thoughts.
Then, when he's least expecting it
bash his head in with a chair.
End of monster. (chuckles)
(Homer shrieks)
(gasps)
Bart!
Lisa did it.
That's it, young man.
You're coming with me.
Please?
You like attention don't you, Bart?
Do I ever.
Well, we all do.
The problem is that you don't care
whether you get good attention for, say,
getting high marks in school
or bad attention for, say,
turning your father into a Jack-in-the-box.
Homer, I see you agree with my theory.
I'm not nodding. It's the air conditioning.
Well, that's too bad because
the attention the boy craves should be coming from you.
I want you to spend some quality time with him.
Get to know him.
Maybe even love him.
(cheering)
D'oh!
Whoa-oh-oh.
(all screaming)
Eeyii!
(grunting)
(yawning)
Good night, son.
Good night, Dad.
You know, these last few days have been really swell.
I wish there was something I could do to repay you.
Well, if you wanted to, you could give me my body back.
You got it.
Oh! Hey, hey.
Oh, oh...
Thanks, boy.
I love you, Dad.
I love you, son.
Aaaaaaaaahhh!
BOTH: Mom! Dad!
My goodness! What's wrong?
We both had nightmares.
Can we sleep with you?
You both toilet trained?
-BOTH: Yes! -Well, okay, then.
4:00? (yawns)
Couple hours, I have to get up and go to work.
Got to go to work.
Go to work...
(snoring)
MR. BURNS: Ooh, look at them, Smithers--
goldbrickers,
lay abouts,
slugabeds.
Little do they realize
their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.
Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing,
just to throw the fear of God into them?
Very well.
Eeny, meeny, miny-- Ugh! Him!
SMITHERS (on PA): Attention, Homer Simpson.
Wake up, Homer.
What? Huh? What?
-SMITHERS: You're fired. -For what?
SMITHERS: For sleeping on the job.
How did you know I was sleeping?
SMITHER: We've been watching you
on the surveillance camera.
Camera? D-ohhh!
Smithers.
To the laboratory.
(thunderclap)
You know, Smithers
I've always despised the laziness
of the common worker.
Then I realized his spirit was willing
but the flesh was weak.
So I replaced the flesh, which is weak,
with steel, which is strong.
Behold!
The greatest breakthrough in labor relations
since the cat o' nine tails!
How long till it's up and running, sir?
Keep your pants on, Smithers.
First we need...
a human brain.
Hey, here's a good job, Dad.
Oh, wait. You have to know how to operate
an ultrasonic lithontriptor.
How hard can it be?
Hey, Dad, here's one.
$28 an hour, plenty of fresh air
and you get to meet lots of interesting people.
Ooh, what job is that?
Gravedigger.
(diabolical laugh)
(grunting)
Deeper, wider, faster.
I wouldn't bury my turtle in that mud puddle.
What's the use?
Sheesh! What a slave driver.
(yawning)
(snoring)
(howling)
What corpse should we unearth, sir?
I don't know.
I feel like a kid in a candy store.
Hello!
An open grave.
Smithers, get him out quickly.
The stench is overpowering.
Wait a minute, sir. That's Homer Simpson.
He wasn't exactly a model employee.
Well, who is a model...
employee?
(shuddering)
Simpson will do just fine, sir.
(grunting)
Did you hear that, sir?
No, I didn't.
Who is it, Frankenstein?
The Boogerman?
It's the man in the bag, sir. I think he's alive.
Oh.
Bad corpse. Bad corpse.
(muffled scream)
Stop scaring Smithers.
Satisfied?
Thank you, sir.
(whirring)
Excellent.
Smithers, hand me that ice cream scoop.
Ice cream scoop?
Damn it, Smithers!
This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
All right.
♪♪ (humming "If I Only Had a Brain")
Hello...
look at me-- I'm Davy Crockett!
(giggling)
Look, Smithers-- a twitch.
It's moving!
It's alive!
Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad.
Well, who's mad now?
(maniacal laugh)
Hi, there.
I'm your daddy.
HOMER'S VOICE: Mmm!
Mmm! Sprin-kles.
JOHNNY CARSON: Geraldo Rivera,
Madonna, and a diseased yak.
LISA: Mom, what's wrong?
It's your father-- he's missing.
Dad's missing? Get out of here.
He's been gone for two days.
What do you know? She's right.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
It was supposed to be a thing of beauty,
not this abomination.
(snoring)
Oh, Smithers, I was wrong to play God.
Life is precious,
not a thing to be toyed with.
Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet.
Sir, his family might appreciate it
if you returned the brain to his body.
Oh, come on. It's 11:45!
Oh, Smithers when you look at me
with those puppy dog eyes...
All right.
Ow... ow... ow... ow...
Oh, will you quit your complaining.
Sir, do you know what this means?
He is alive.
Ooh, you're right, Smithers.
I guess I owe you a Coke.
And as for you
you clinking, clattering cacophony
of collagenous cogs and camshafts--
take... that!
Aahh!
Run, sir.
(panting)
Every bone... shattered,
organs... leaking vital fluids,
a slight headache, loss of appetite.
Smithers, I'm going to die.
Sir, is there nothing I can do?
Well, perhaps.
Smithers, go to my office.
In the third drawer of my desk are...
surgical tools... and some ether.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh!
Did you have a nightmare, Homie?
No, Bart bit me.
Hey, man, you were crushing me.
I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.
Got to go shake the dew off the lily.
Aahh!
Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads.
Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto
your, shall we say, ample frame.
I can wake up. It's all a dream.
It's just a dream.
Oh, that's right.
It's all a dream...
or is it?
(diabolical laughter)
Next week on "The Simpsons"...
Don't forget, Dad.
Tonight my class is having
an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
Mmm... spaghetti.
But Homer, tonight's our reception
for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
Oh, I hate having two heads.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.