♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(grunting and chattering)
(excited chattering)
♪♪ ("Also Sprach Zarathustra")
Ooh!
(snoring)
(hooting like an ape)
-(phone ringing) -(hooting like an ape)
Ooh, ooh, ooh-- Yello?
Dad, I'm calling about the school talent show...
Don't worry. I know it's tonight.
No. Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed,
and I need you to get me a new one.
Isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
I called her. She's not home.
I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma,
Doctor Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy,
and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
Wow. And after them
out of all the people in the world,
you chose me.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Number 4 1/2 reed. Got it.
Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight.
I'd like to point out that the doors are now locked,
so you parents can't sneak out of the show
after your own child has performed.
Oh, and let me caution the people
in the first five rows--
you will get wet.
(panting)
Just in the nick of--
Mmm. Beer.
(smacking lips)
Hurry. Moe, hurry.
I've only got five minutes till the music store closes.
Well why don't you go there first?
Hey, do I tell you how to do your job?
Sorry, Homer.
You know, if you tip the glass,
there won't be so much foam on top.
Sorry, Homer.
♪♪ ("Sabre Dance")
(feeble applause)
This is a whole lot of nothing.
I'd rather be watchin' the boilers.
Make sure you return those chairs to the cafeteria, Kim.
I'm not kidding.
Ah... finished, with 15 seconds to spare.
(whistling)
Ah!
D-ohhh! D-ohhh! D-ohhh! D-ohhh!
What's the matter, buddy?
The moron next door closed early.
I happen to be that moron.
Oh, me and my trenchant mouth!
(spooning sounds to "Sweet Georgia Brown")
Oh, terrible, just terrible.
You know, they seem to get worse every year.
(laughs) Wonderful!
You know, I think this is the best batch we've ever had.
I really do. And now, here's Bart Simpson,
the boy of a thousand voices.
I'd like to open with my impression of...
Principal Skinner.
(dopey voice) Duh, look at me.
I'm Principal Skinner.
(kids cheering)
That young man just became
the boy of a thousand days detention.
Hey, it's Lunch Lady Doris.
I wonder what she's got for us today.
(nasal voice) Today's special is refried
dog poop.
(chuckling)
(kids cheering)
Please! You've got to open that store.
Let me think about it.
Uh... no.
Okay, okay, but I want you to see a picture
of the little girl you're disappointing.
Well, I don't have one.
Come on, Jer. Open up. Be a pal.
Remember when I pulled you and your wife out of that burning car?
Okay, okay, but now we're even.
What does your daughter need?
I'll have you know I wrote it down.
"Number-- number 4 1/2..."
Stupid gum!
"Number 4 1/2 reed." Whoo-hoo!
Mm-hmm. And, what instrument does she play?
I don't know.
♪♪ ("Cancan")
Mom, where is he?
If I don't get that reed, I'll sound terrible.
Don't worry, honey.
I'm sure your father is...
(thinking) maybe...
No.
That's a long shot.
Bingo.
Don't worry. He'll be here.
-Clarinet? Oboe? -No.
-Saxophone? -No.
Wait a minute. What was that last one again?
-Saxophone. -Hmm...
Lisa, stop playing that stupid...
saxophone! Yes, that's it!
-Alto or tenor? -D-ohhh!
♪ My ding-a-ling ♪
♪ I want you to play with my ding-a-ling ♪
This act is over!
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to put this filth behind us
and let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition
of "Stormy Leather."
Uh, "Weather."
(applause)
(playing off-key)
(murmuring)
Ha, ha!
Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawn mower.
Ew, I'd hate to be that kid's father.
(gasping)
Uh-oh.
-That will do. -It's not my fault.
It's the reed.
Oh, yes, of course.
It's the reed.
Let's hear it for Lisa Simpson
and her wacky sax.
HOMER: Yeah!
Whoo!
Whoo, yeah...
(groaning)
Okay, who ordered a Mount Bellyache?
I ordered it for my little girl. Heh heh.
I'm done.
Oh! That cost $88!
I'm sorry, Dad. I don't feel much like eating.
Look, I let you down and I apologize.
I know that doesn't make it right.
But I hope you can find it in your heart
-to forgive me. -I forgive you.
D'oh! You didn't mean that.
-No, I didn't. -(sighs)
(cooing)
MARGE: Look, Homer.
Lisa's taking her first steps.
-You're taping it? -Yes.
I'll watch it later.
The plane, the plane!
No, my freakish little friend. That's a seagull.
Hmm.
Da-da.
MARGE: Did you hear that, Homer?
Marge, please-- I'm busy.
No wonder she hates me.
Oh, I never even noticed she was alive.
Homer, if you want to make up with Lisa
just spend some time with her.
Ohh! Okay!
(sipping noise)
(boys laughing)
Aah!
(grunting)
(thud)
Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa,
and make a fresh start with Maggie.
Homie, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix.
If you keep spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you.
Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things,
I'm gonna, you know, go fruity.
No, you were right the first time
with that quick fix idea.
Let's see-- quick fix, quick fix.
Ahh. I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for.
We can't afford to buy a pony.
Marge, with today's gasoline prices,
we can't afford not to buy a pony.
That's ridiculous.
Marge, I've gotta get her a pony.
When I look in Lisa's eyes, I don't see love anymore.
That's no reason to buy a pony.
See, even when you yell at me, I can see love in your eyes.
Stick to the subject.
(singsongy) Ha, ha, you love me.
(groans) Let's be realistic.
A pony is very expensive,
and we have enough trouble paying bills as it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You sound like you're going to buy a pony.
-Promise me you won't. -Hmm.
What was that? Was that a yes or a no?
-Baa. -Those aren't even words.
-Sna. -(groans)
Oh, my, what is that smell?
Oh, it's you.
Excuse me. Do you sell ponies?
Uh, sure, pal. Right here.
"Scottish Deer Hound."
Hey, this is a dog.
Ooh, my friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for.
I suggest you try the Boney Farm on Route 401.
Merely take a left at the rendering plant.
Now, lady, I'm buying a pony for my little girl,
and I don't care what it costs.
Very good.
That stunning creature over there
is half a million dollars.
Half a million dollars?!
He was sired by Seattle Slew,
-and his mother won the Kentucky Derby. -HOMER: Wow.
His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.
-I'll take it! -Mr. Simpson...
do you have half a million dollars?
Uh, sure, let me write you a check.
Hmm.
Mr. Simpson,
this check is dated January 1, 2054.
Is there a problem with that?
Our ponies start at $5,000... cash.
Isn't there like a pound
where you can pick up cheap ponies
that ran away from home?
I sincerely hope not.
I-- I'd like to borrow $5,000.
Sorry.
I can't approve a loan that size myself.
(rings bell)
-Hello. -(scream)
"Simpson," eh? How can I help you?
Mr. Burns, you do this personally?
It's a hobby.
I'm not in this for any personal gain. Heavens no.
By the way, are you acquainted with
our state's stringent usury laws?
-Usury? -Oh, silly me.
I must've just made up a word that doesn't exist.
Now, what is the purpose of this loan?
I want to buy a pony.
Isn't that cute?
Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set.
That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?
No I need to get it for my little girl because
she doesn't love me anymore.
-Shut up, Simpson. -Sorry.
You have any collateral?
Oh, Smithers, let's not be so cold.
His spirit is my collateral.
Just sign this form and the money will be yours.
(diabolical laughter)
Sorry, I was just thinking
of something funny Smithers did today.
I didn't do anything funny, sir.
Shut up.
Mr. Simpson,
are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony?
Of course.
Simpson, you've done it again.
(screaming)
I love you, Dad!
(groans)
I am very upset with you.
Sounds like someone's angling
for a pony of her own.
(gasping)
Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
Because she stopped loving me.
I don't love ya' either, so gimme a moped.
I know you love me, so you don't get squat.
Snowball II, Santa's Little Helper--
this is Princess.
Please don't exclude her because she's different.
Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse?
I've got it all figured out.
By day, it will roam free around the neighborhood,
and at night, it will nestle snugly
between the cars in our garage.
-Dad, no! -That's illegal.
That's for the courts to decide.
Marge, she loves me.
Dad, I think Princess belongs in a stable.
Stable? That sounds expensive.
This is what love costs a month?
These are standard stable fees, Mr. Simpson.
Plus, I'm teaching your daughter riding, grooming,
and at no extra charge, pronunciation.
(with British accent) Father, you've made me
the happiest girl who ever lived.
Oh, nuts.
GRANDPA: What do I do? What do I do?
Grandpa, if you want to go right,
move the joy stick to the left.
Yes. Move the--
What's a joy stick? You didn't tell me--
Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Woah, woah woah!
Go into hyperspace! Ready, hit it!
Wait! Where's the hyperspace?
Grandpa, you're the spaceship, not the--
I'm the what? I thought I was this guy.
Oh!
Game's over, Grandpa.
I got down on the floor for this?!
Wait, Dad. I've got something for you.
I was hoping it would be money.
Oh, dear. We're in serious trouble here.
We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
Well, you know we're always buying Maggie vaccinations
for diseases she doesn't even have.
Actually, I was thinking we could cut down on beer.
Nah, we're not going to be doing that.
Then I'm afraid there's no choice
but to give up the pony.
First you didn't want me to get the pony.
Now you want me to take it back.
Make up your mind.
Homer!
Marge, Lisa loves me. The pony stays.
Alright. You got us into this.
-You get us out. -Fine, I will.
There's plenty of money out there
for a guy who's willing to work for it.
Do you have any jewelry you don't need anymore?
(groans)
You're so beautiful.
Oh, look, you haven't touched your salt lick.
Num-num. Good salt lick.
HOMER: Need money. Need money.
One scratch-for-cash, please.
Here you go.
Liberty bell.
(gasps) Two liberty bells.
Come on, come on, come on...
Oh.
Yes!
Whoo-whoo!
Three liberty bells!
That will be $10,000, Apu.
Congratulations, Mr. Homer.
Thank you.
If I could just see the ticket...
There it is.
Please to be removing your thumb.
No.
Yes, please. I must insist.
No. No.
-You can't see-- -Yes, I must--
No! Let go! You're ripping it.
(gasps)
A cherry. Oh, Mr. Homer,
what has reduced you to such cheap chicanery?
Oh... I need money.
Well, if you need money,
you should have at least jammed a gun in my ribs,
or better yet,
you could inquire about my help wanted sign.
You're looking for help?
Yes, we need someone for the demanding
yet high profile midnight to 8:00 a.m. shift.
I'm your man.
-You're hired. -Whoo-hoo!
Always I dreamed the day would come
when one of you would be working for me.
-(clapping) -So pretty.
She certainly tamed that horse.
Yes, but what man can tame her?
APU: I won't lie to you.
On this job, you will be shot at.
Each of these bullet wounds is a badge of honor.
"Badge of honor..."
Here's a pointer.
Try to take it in the shoulder.
Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years.
They are strictly ornamental.
There is only one bozo who comes in and buys them.
But I eat-- Oh.
(Homer yawning)
The perfect crime.
Homer, where have you been all night?
I was so worried.
Marge, can we go in the other room?
I did something last night I'm not proud of,
and I don't want the kids to hear it.
Busted.
I'll work midnight to 8:00,
come home, sleep for five minutes,
eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower.
Then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love
then off to the power plant fresh as a daisy.
(thud)
Oh, my God, she killed him.
(snoring)
Mmm. Salty.
Homer! Are you stealing Squishies?
No, sir.
This next song is also
about a girl and her pony.
It's called "Wildfire."
♪♪
WOMAN: Come on, Apu, honey, loosen up.
APU: Ohh!
I'm sorry, baby.
While I'm here pleasuring you,
-my store is going down the tubes. -(sighs)
(snoring)
Three dollars and 51, 52, 53 cents. (chuckles)
Homer, you are asleep at your post!
Now go change the expiration dates
on the dairy products.
Yes, sir.
Sorry, baby. Date's over.
-(thud) -(gasps)
(snoring)
♪♪ (soothing)
(snoring)
(alarm rings)
Homie, how long do you plan to do this?
I don't know.
How long do horses live?
30 years.
D-ohhh.
HOMER: Mustn't sleep.
Must monitor core.
(snoring)
(phone ringing)
Yello?
I just called to say I love you, Dad.
Thanks.
When is she going to stop loving me?
(snoring)
I just heard Milli Vanilli was arrested
for impersonating a McNugget.
Well, it's still fun to be up late.
Hey, Homer, where you going?
Going for...
eight-hour walk.
-(car horn blares) -(snoring)
Homer. Homer?
Homer sleep now.
What's wrong with Dad?
He's just exhausted.
Lisa, do you know how much it costs to keep a pony?
-No. -Well, it's a lot.
In fact, your father had to take a second job.
The poor guy.
Where's he working?
The Kwik-E Mart.
(laughing)
Lisa, I hope you realize
that your father can't keep this up.
You're gonna make me give up Princess?
Lisa, we can't make you give up that pony.
I can make her.
Just give me five minutes alone with her.
No, Bart. No one's going to make her.
This is something Lisa has to decide for herself.
All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult
have blown up in my face.
Hey! (whistles) Pink hat!
When I ordered that blueberry squishy
I meant today.
Coming right up, sir.
And fill it to the top this time.
Yes, sir.
(sighs)
She likes a little carrot after her oats,
and she really likes it
when you scratch her behind the ear.
And if you're playing the radio,
she likes contemporary adult in the morning
and easy listening at night.
Please take good care of my Princess.
Although there is no change in my patrician facade,
I can assure you my heart is breaking.
I'll never forget you.
What the--?
You call this melted cheese receptacle clean?
The young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave.
Dad, you don't have to do this.
Yes, I do. You see, Lisa,
grown-ups have a thing called money...
Dad, I understand the sacrifice you've made for me.
That's why I gave up the pony.
-You did? -Mm-hm.
There's a big dumb animal
I love even more than that horse.
Oh, no, what is it, a hippopotamus?
I mean you, you dummy.
Aw.
Apu, you can take this job and restaff it.
(laughing)
Giddy-up, Dad!
(whinnies)
He slept, he stole,
he was rude to the customers.
Still, there goes the best damned employee
a convenience store ever had.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.