♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(growling)
SMITHERS: It's a breakthrough product, sir,
scientifically formulated to rinse clean with
no oily deposits.
Hot dog.
And it's mild enough to use every day.
Isn't life grand?
What's wrong, sir? Did I get some in your eyes?
The shampoo specifically said, "no more tears."
A lovely promise
but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo.
sir, I feel there's something you're not telling me.
Perhaps you'd feel more comfortable
talking to Snappy the Alligator.
Maybe.
Hello, Mr. Burns.
Snappy, you know it's hard to imagine
but I was once a barefoot boy with cheek of tan.
I dreamed of grand slam home runs
and wiping out nations with the stroke of a pen.
There's still time for all those things, sir.
Is there?
Controlled nuclear fission is a demanding mistress, Snappy.
So you feel resentful towards the plant?
Yes! Yes, exactly!
You know, maybe it's time I sold the old girl.
(gasps)
(humming)
Mmm!... hmm?!
D'oh!
Ohh, what do they want?
Maybe a nap will boost my spirits.
I'll get that whale song cassette you like, sir.
Oh, it's not fair!
(crying)
I know how you feel, Simpson.
I've never seen Mr. Burns so depressed.
I know people think because he's rich and powerful and cruel
he doesn't have feelings like other men, but he does.
And you know what?
I bet he wouldn't sell the plant for $100 million.
Ooh, that's a lot of money.
D'oh!
Uh... Mr. Smithers,
do you have change for a dollar?
Good, good--
try to eat something.
(ringing)
Homer Simpson here.
Homer, it's your stockbroker.
Your stock in the power plant
just went up for the first time in ten years.
I own stock?
Yes, all the employees got some
in exchange for waiving certain constitutional rights.
So, how much did it go up?
Wait a minute, let's not do that yet.
The book says we have to make a little small talk
before you get down to business.
-Everybody alive? -Yeah.
-Like any sports? -Sure.
-Ever go dancing? -Not anymore.
-We should get together sometime. -That'd be great.
Ah, there, now we trust each other.
Well... how are you?
(hacking) Near death.
I'm renewing my notary license on a weekly basis.
Uh-huh, so what's my stock up to?
Let me punch that up on the computer.
Uh... 25¢ a share.
What should I do?
Let me put it this way-- you'll get $25 if you sell now.
Sell! Sell! Sell!
Whoo-hoo!
Twenty-five dollars!
Ooh!
Mmm... hot wax.
Ooh.. hammer.
♪ Fight, fight, fight ♪
♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show! ♪
(humming)
(screaming)
Mmm.
(laughing)
Bart, Bart, turn to the financial channel.
Aunt Patty says our stock is skyrocketing.
Unconfirmed takeover rumors
have pushed Burns Worldwide
from 1/8 to 52 and a quarter.
(gasping)
Your father's stock is worth $5,200!
Wow! 5,200 smackers!
Oooh!
Ahhh...
(laughing)
Hey, Homer. Want a Duff?
No, I'd like a bottle
of Henry K. Duff's Private Reserve.
(gasping)
Are you sure?
'Cause once I open the bottle, there's no refund.
For your information
I just made a cool $25 playing the market.
Buy low, sell high--
that's my motto.
I may just quit my job at the power plant
and become a full-time stock market guy.
Have a Duff, boys!
(German accent) Oh, thank you.
My English is not perfect, but I have to tell you
your beer is like swill to us.
Do I have that right?
I'm saying that only a swine would drink this beer.
Ja, but thank you, anyway.
Hey, you guys aren't from around here, are you?
Nein. We are from Germany.
He is from the east; I am from the west.
I had a big company, and he had a big company.
Now we have a very big company.
We are interested in buying the power plant.
Do you think your owner would ever sell it?
Well, I happen to know that he won't sell it
for less than $100,000,000.
A hundred million?
Ein, zwei, drei, vier, funf...
Oh, don't worry.
We'll still have enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns.
It's the miracle we've been waiting for.
What are we gonna spend it on?
Homer's probably buying some magic beans with it right now.
We'll have a savings account.
We've never had one.
Kids, I think everything is going to be okay from now on.
Hey, hey!
Oh, Homer!
You heard?
We heard. Isn't it wonderful?
We have some great plans for that money.
Well, I'm afraid I had some great plans too.
What do you mean?
I spent it on beer.
Surprise, surprise.
You spent $5,200 on beer?!
$5,200?
What are you talking about?
What?
(screams)
I sold it all for 25 bucks!
-(grunts) -Oww!
Come on, everybody. It makes you feel better.
Hey, Homer.
Did you buy this car with your stock money?
Sure did, and the great thing about it
is everybody got rich.
For once, all us working stiffs got a break.
(moans)
Wait till you see Lenny.
He just got back from the plastic surgeon.
Sheesh, Lenny, looks like you got the works.
It started out as an eye tuck, but the stock kept goin' up.
Hey, come here. Mr. Burns is on TV.
-Mr. Burns? -Here, Mr. Burns.
Over here. Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns, we've heard that a German consortium
has offered to purchase the plant.
Any comments?
You'll see the Statue of Liberty wearing lederhosen
before you see Germans running my plant!
Well then, sir, why are you meeting with them?
So I can look Uncle Fritz square in the monocle
and say, "nein!"
(speaking German)
You never cease to amaze me, sir.
Hmm?
Hmm...
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
(clears throat)
I grudgingly accept.
♪♪ (polka)
Now, don't worry.
I think that you'll find these two gentlemen
are as American as apple pie.
Hans and Fritz--
Why, that's just John and Frank.
Ich bin ein Springfielder.
They'll bring their own people in.
This ain't good.
We could all lose our jobs.
Look at all those worried faces...
except for Lenny.
He looks great.
This is the worst day of my life.
Those lousy Germans can't fire me.
I'm the only one who knows
how to unjam the rod bottom dissociator.
Well, they can't fire me. I'm the only one certified
to run the gaseous contaminant particulate fire.
They can't fire me.
BOTH: Why?
'Cause...
MAN: Guten morgen. I am Horst.
The new owners have elected me to speak with you
because I am the most nonthreatening.
Perhaps I remind you of the lovable Sergeant Schultz
on "Hogan's Heroes."
-Oh, yeah. -Yeah, he does.
What is the best way to an efficient plant?
-I don't know. -Well, uh...
Search me.
Happy workers who feel secure at their jobs--
So let's get to know each other better.
Do we have any alcoholics among us?
-Uh... me. -Right here.
I'm drunk right now.
You'll be given a six-week treatment
at our drying-out facility in Hawaii,
after which you'll return at full pay.
-Oh, great! -Great.
Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor.
Lucky drunks.
Also, we cannot uber-emphasize
the importance of employee safety.
We plan to have some frank discussions
with your safety inspector.
Yeah, sock it to 'em, Horst!
Psst. Hey, Homer.
Aren't you the safety inspector?
D'oh!
Mm-hmm-hmm...
Mm-hmm...
That's one big check.
You look sharp today, sir.
You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr.
That was a gutsy decision, sir.
BURNS: Smithers, come here. I want you.
I wanted to give you something to remember me by,
and I know you've always had your eye on this photo
of Elvis and me.
He was so good to his mother, sir.
Yes, but I couldn't understand a word that man said.
(with Elvis drawl) "Mr. Burns...
(mumbling) ...hound dog."
Stop it. You're killing me, sir.
Oh, sir, what will you do next?
First, I'll get that new hip I've been hankering for.
Then, who knows?
Beekeeping, boxing,
bocce ball...
The world is my oyster, Smithers.
Farewell.
Lisa, your father needs your help.
Do you know anything about Germany?
Well, it's a country in Europe.
Good, good. I'm learning.
One of the economic powers of the world.
Because we send them money?
(laughing) No.
Because they're efficient and punctual,
with a strong work ethic.
D'oh!
Oh, woe is me.
Homie, come to bed.
Oh, Marge, I'm gonna be fired, I know it.
Don't worry.
Whatever happens, we'll pay the bills somehow.
Marge, it's not the money.
My job is my identity.
If I'm not a safety whatchama-jigger,
I'm nothing.
Well, if you can't sleep,
why don't you do something constructive?
Ooh... Battlestar Galactica!
(groaning)
Fit, damn you! Fit!
(grunting)
There.
(snoring)
Yo, Homer, you got to get ready for work.
Uh-huh. What?
What am I gonna--
(gasps) Hey, you!
Stop being... so unsafe!
Smitty... safen up.
Homer, could we have a word with you?
No.
I must have phrased that badly.
My English is-- How you say? Inelegant.
I meant to say may we have a brief, friendly chat?
-No. -Once again, I have failed.
"We request the pleasure of your company
for a free exchange of ideas."
No!
You've been safety inspector for two years.
What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?
Uh... all of them?
I see.
Then you must have some good ideas
for the future as well.
I sure do!
Such as?
Well, uh... I wish the candy machine
wasn't so picky about taking beat-up dollar bills...
because...
a lot of workers really like candy.
We understand, Homer.
After all, we are from the land of chocolate.
HOMER: Mmm... the land of chocolate!
♪♪ (upbeat)
(barks)
(yipping)
Wow... chocolate, half-price!
♪ La la la-la-la-la-la ♪
Mr. Simpson?
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
-Mr. Simpson? -Huh?
Oh, I'm sorry.
We were talking about chocolate?
That was ten minutes ago.
I think I did pretty good in there.
Yeah, you know those Germans aren't so bad.
Sure, they've made mistakes in the past,
but that's why pencils have erasers.
HORST (on PA): Attention, workers.
We have completed our evaluation of the plant.
We regret to announce the following layoffs
which I will read in alphabetical order.
Simpson, Homer.
That is all.
(disappointed meow)
Ay, caramba!
Now Bart, Lisa did a wonderful job
on my hair,
and we saved $40 for the family.
We all have to pull together
till your father gets a new job.
I made a new bar of soap
by squeezing all our little soap slivers together.
MARGE: That's very clever.
And today, instead of buying comic books,
I just read them and left them in the store.
(groans) You shouldn't do that.
My jump rope broke but I just tied it back together.
That's good, Lisa.
I didn't take a bath today
and I may not take one tomorrow.
I want you to take baths, Bart.
Lousy German know-it-alls.
Who are they to say I'm not safe?
Oh, what's the matter with this thing?
No problems here.
That's right, Burnsie.
Keep your wrist supple.
Throw it, don't aim it.
(grunting)
(laughing)
This is my park.
Get out!
It was worth it.
This place has really gone to hell, Mr. Burns.
It's obscene what they did to your office.
Listen Smithers, you caught me at a bad time
but my folk guitar class has been canceled for tonight.
Would you like to get together for a drink?
Would I?!
I got to go. See you at 6:00.
(bell dings)
You're going down, my friend.
Yes, sir, Mr. Burns.
That shouldn't be.
Ach du lieber! Raccoons!
That's right.
Gather the nectar, my little drones
and make the honey--
honey for your children.
Fools!
(maniacal laughter)
Ready for that drink, sir?
Just a second, Smithers.
Let me introduce you to the gang.
That's Buzz, that's Honey,
and you see that queen over there?
Her name is Smithers.
That's very flattering, sir, but we should go.
Several bees are stinging me.
(phone rings)
Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem,
first name: Bea.
Uh, just a minute, I'll check.
Uh... Bea O'Problem?
Bea O'Problem?
Come on, guys.
Do I have a B.O. Problem here?
You sure do.
(laughing)
Oh! It's you, isn't it?
(Bart laughing)
Listen you! When I get a hold of you
I'm gonna use your head for a bucket
and paint my house with your brains.
(laughing)
Bart, I want you to go down
to Moe's Tavern.
I need you to bring your father home.
(gulp)
(snoring)
Excuse me. I'm looking for--
Wait a minute.
I know that voice.
If it isn't little Bart Simpson!
I haven't seen you in years.
That's right.
That's my pop.
Oh, little Bart,
we hear all about your monkeyshines.
Bet you get into all kinds of trouble
he don't even know about.
Am I right? Huh? Am I right?
Well, I make some crank phone calls.
Aw, ha-ha, that's great!
Ha-ha-ha!
Hey, would you sing that old song
you used to sing for me?
Moe, for you, anything.
BURNS: Look! A blue-collar bar.
Oh, Smithers, let's go slumming.
♪ Every teddy bear who's been good ♪
♪ Is sure of a treat today ♪
♪ There's lots of marvelous things to eat ♪
♪ And wonderful games to play ♪
♪ Beneath the trees where nobody sees ♪
♪ They'll hide and seek as long as they please ♪
♪ Today's the day ♪
♪ The teddy bears have their picnic ♪
(cheering)
BARNEY: Encore!
He's a pip, this one is.
Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned.
Hold your nose, Smithers.
We're going in.
(cheering)
Watch me blend in.
Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer
for me and my buddy here.
I'm not your buddy, you greedy, old reptile.
Smithers, who is this saucy fellow?
Homer Simpson, sir.
Sector sieben gruber-- I mean, sector 7-G.
Recently terminated.
That's right. I lost my job
so that you could have another $100 million!
Let me ask you something.
Does your money cheer you up when you're feeling blue?
-Yes. -Okay. Bad example.
So let me ask you this:
Does your money ever hug you when you come home at night?
Why, no.
And does it ever say "I love you"?
No, it doesn't.
(singsongy) Nobody loves you.
You're old and you're ugly.
-Way to go, Homer! -Nobody loves you!
Good heavens, Smithers.
They're not afraid of me anymore.
BART: Hey, Mr. Burns.
Did you get the letter I sent?
Letter? I don't recall any letter--
That's because I forgot to stamp it!
-Ew! -(loud laughter)
Ah, that kid slays me.
That was no accident.
Let's get out of here.
♪ Na na nah nah ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Good-bye ♪
What good is money
if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
I've got to get my plant back.
(screams)
Gott in Himmel!
Who'd have thought a nuclear plant
could be such a death trap?
It will cost another 100 million
just to bring it up to code.
Please sell me my plant back.
I'll pay anything.
Isn't this a happy coincidence!
You are desperate to buy, and we are desperate to sell.
Desperate, eh?
Advantage: Burns.
This is my offer.
I think you'll find it's most unfair,
but those are the breaks.
But, Mr. Burns, this is half of what we paid you.
That's my final offer. Take it or leave it.
All right, Mr. Burns, you win,
but beware-- we Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine.
(sarcastic) Ooh, the Germans are mad at me.
I'm so scared.
Ooh, the Germans! Uh-oh, the Ger--
-Stop it. -Stop that.
Don't let the Germans come after me.
Please stop the 'pretending you are scared' game.
No, they're so big and strong--
Stop it, Mr. Burns.
Protect me from the Germans!
Burns! Stop it!
(children playing)
Get out! This is my office now!
Get out!
You too!
This is a place of business
not a pee-wee flop house.
(crying)
Your orders, sir.
Restore my office, cancel all repairs,
and rehire that chap who sassed me in the bar.
Homer Simpson? But why?
Smithers, I keep my friends close
and my enemies even closer.
He'll slowly regain his confidence
as the months and years drift by,
blissfully unaware
that the sword of Damocles is dangling just above his head.
And then, one day when he least expects it...
(grunts)
Whoo-hoo!
I got my job back!
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.