♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(growling)
I am not cleaning that.
Ah, who am I kidding?
Now, Maggie...
when you grow up
you can suck your pacifier all you want.
(humming)
(loud burp)
Extra mustard for Bart's
sliced diagonally, not length-wise.
Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust.
Double bologna for Homer--
(overlapping chatter)
Where's my lucky red cap--
Mom, I hate those pimento things--
Marge, I split my pants again.
Ooh! Can I have two sandwiches today?
-Make them bologna-- -Mom, I can't eat those--
One at a time! One at a time!
-Double bologna! -No pimentos!
-Don't forget to make it-- -Mom, where's my--
That's enough!
There you go, Lisa-- no pimentos.
Bart, your hat's where you left it-- behind the toilet.
Homer, I'll sew your pants, but I'm out of bologna.
-Thanks, Mom. -Thanks, Mom.
D'oh!
-(cat yowling) -Videos to return
grocery list, flea dip for the cat
Homer's dry cleaning...
I think that's everything.
Marge, can you take my ball to Nick's today?
A bottle cap got lodged in the finger hole.
Homer, I'm running late as it is.
Can't you just use one of the balls at the alley?
(groaning) Ohh, alley balls?
All right. Don't whine.
Just put it in my left hand.
Kids, hurry up or you're going to miss your bus.
-No way. -Never happen.
Well, I'll be damned.
(groaning)
Mom, bart's making faces at me.
It's a nervous twitch,
and I'm a little sensitive about it
if you don't mind.
Mom, he's doing it again!
Bart, quit it. Quit it!
Hey, quit it, quit it, quit it.
Mom!
(monster-like voice) Get... out!
(car wheels squeal)
Fruit leather...
tree fresh imitation orange drink...
Krusty brand duck sausage pizza...
Sorry lady, you've got the wrong Nick's.
You want Nick's on the other side of town.
I don't know what Nicky's telling you.
I haven't flushed a ball in years.
(jackhammer pounding)
MAN: Oh, this miserable stress headache.
Feels like there's a rat in my brain!
DEEJAY 1: It's time for another Bill and Marty
classic crank call.
DEEJAY 2: Hello, is this Mr. Justin Sherman?
SHERMAN: Yes.
DEEJAY 2: Sir, your wife is dead.
SHERMAN: Oh, God, no!
DEEJAY 2: (snickering) That's right.
She just walked through a plate glass window.
There's blood everywhere.
SHERMAN: But I just talked to her.
(deejays laughing)
(screams)
(bus horn honking)
Bart's making faces.
Where's my lucky red cap?
-Alley balls? -Your wife is dead.
I haven't flushed a ball in years.
(jackhammer pounding)
Noooo!
Look, lady, this better be good.
(lion's roar)
This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky.
We've got big problems
on the Springfield Memorial Bridge, people.
Traffic going waaay back in both directions.
And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm
'cause I just dropped my bagel.
She's locked in the car and refuses to move.
Did you flash your lights?
Yes.
Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
All right!
A chance to catch some rays.
(honking horn)
Come on! Come on!
I got a body in the trunk.
(honking horn)
Mr. Genie, stop fiddling with the buttons.
Oh! Now you've gotten chocolate all over everything!
This is Kent Brockman
reporting live from Arnie Pie's traffic copter
but I can assure you, this is no mere morning traffic report.
Hey!
Face the facts Arnie.
An overworked and under-appreciated housewife
has snapped and parked her car on the bridge,
refusing to budge.
This reporter is now going to be lowered down
in the Channel 6 sky harness for an exclusive interview.
Huh?
Ow! Hey!
Ow!
(Homer laughs)
Hey sweetheart, what's the matter?
Not getting enough of the good stuff at home?
D'oh!
(indistinct chatter)
Let me through. Let me through.
I'm her husband.
That explains a lot.
(chuckling)
(sighing)
Try to talk her out of there
but don't put your lips on it or anything.
Hello.
Hello!
Is this thing on?
Hello?!
Homer, is that you?
What should I say?
Well how about, "Yes, it's me"?
Yes, it's me.
Tell her you love her.
I love you very much.
CROWD: Awww.
And, uh...
later tonight, I think you and I should, uh...
snuggle?
(laughing)
Ha, ha!
Uh, why don't you just wrap it up?
Look, Marge, I can tell something's bothering you
but if you come out of that car
I promise to do whatever it takes
to make it better.
Please, honey?
Okay.
Cuff her, boys!
Off the record, ma'am, all the gals on the force
-knew just how you felt. -That's nice.
Do you think you could loosen my cuffs?
No.
Don't you worry, Mr. Mayor.
This little bird'll be cracking rocks by the end of the week.
Wiggum, you glorified night watchman, let her go!
But she broke the law.
Thanks for the civics lesson.
Now listen to me. If Marge Simpson goes to jail,
I can kiss the chick vote good-bye
and if I go down, you're gonna break my fall!
Word to the wise, Quimby.
Don't write checks your butt can't cash.
Hear me loud and clear Wiggum, you bite me, I'll bite back.
You talk the talk, Quimby, but do you walk the walk?
I hereby declare today to be Marge Simpson Day
in the city of Springfield.
(cheering)
They're like trained seals-- toss 'em a fish
and watch 'em slap their fins together.
Well, all's well that ends well.
Good night, Marge.
(snoring)
(groans)
MAN: Many years ago the Spanish explorers
discovered a little piece of heaven
nestled in the Springfield mountains.
They called it Rancho Relaxo
and so do we.
Today, it's Springfield's only two-star health spa.
Swim, play tennis,
or just sit and stare at the walls.
At Rancho Relaxo, you're the boss.
Remember, you can't spell "Relaxo" without relax.
-Homer? -(groans)
-Homer! -What?
I need a vacation.
What?! But, Marge, we just had a vacation.
Remember Mystic Caverns?
(chuckles)
I need to unwind.
I know you do, Marge,
but come on, you know what our vacations are like--
those three monsters in the back seat
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
And let's face it, I'm no day at the beach either.
"Marge, can I have another sandwich?
Marge, can I have another sandwich?"
No, I mean a vacation by myself.
What?!
You mean we're getting a divorce?
Marge, I can change.
No, Homie, no.
I still love you.
A lot of couples take separate vacations.
Well, okay...
but you have to swear you're coming back.
I swear.
All right, then.
(snoring)
MARGE: Thanks again for taking the children while I'm away.
-Don't worry yourself. -Uh-huh.
We've got six months of maternity leave
we're never gonna use anyway.
Homer, can you bring Maggie out?
Wish I'd thought of that.
(grunting)
She's starting to give.
Homer! If Maggie
really doesn't want to leave the house
maybe she should just stay with you.
Are you sure that's wise?
Uh-huh. He'll probably trade her
for a beer and a nudie magazine.
(chuckling)
For your information, I can take care of my--
(screams)
See? Got her on the first bounce.
MAN (on PA): All aboard for Shelbyville, Badwater,
Kettlestone Testing Grounds, and Rancho Relaxo.
Good-bye, Homie.
Good-bye? Where's my clean underwear?
Check the dryer.
How often should I change Maggie?
Whenever she needs it.
Marge, Marge, how do I use the pressure cooker?
Don't!
♪♪ (relaxing)
MAN: This is Koma-- W-K-O-M-A.
Restful, easy listening.
Coming up next,
a super set of songs about clouds.
(chomping)
(metallic clunking)
Hmm?
Hello, Maggie.
Sorry, honey.
Mommy went crazy
and went far, far away.
So it's going to be just you and me for a while.
Just you and me.
Kids, you haven't touched your tongue sandwiches.
Do you need something to drink?
We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb, and soy milk.
That's all right.
(yawns)
I think I'll just hit the hay.
It's 12:30 in the afternoon.
I'm aware of the time.
Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed.
Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
-In your bed? -Uh-huh.
And I should warn you, I'm told I snore.
(chuckling)
Ooh, Divorce Court is on in 15 minutes!
I'm scared, Lisa.
You think you know fear?
Well, I've seen them naked.
(screams)
Oh, hello,
and welcome to Rancho Relaxo.
I'm Troy McClure.
You might remember me from such films as
"Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die,"
and "Gladys, the Groovy Mule"
but today you'll see me in my greatest role--
your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo.
Our tour starts in your very own room
where Relaxo-Vision offers you the latest Hollywood hits
and after midnight
the finest "R" rated movies Europe has to offer.
Ooh-la-la!
Today's selections are:
(male voice inserted)
Chef Rodrigo, what are you up to?
Taste for yourself, Troy.
Mm-mm-mmm!
That can't be good for me.
It tastes too good.
That's where you're wrong, Troy.
This whole pot is only 14 calories.
(moaning)
Oh, Gregory...
where have you been all my life?
(laughs)
-Feeling tense? -Uh-huh.
Then just push nine on your phone,
then the pound sign, then 4-8-3.
We'll do the rest.
(moans)
HOMER: Come on, Maggie.
Nummy-nummy-num.
Mmm-mm!
Mmm. Strained peas.
(to tune of "Rule Brittania")
♪ Shakespeare's fried chicken ♪
♪ Come gorge yourself today... ♪
(grunting)
♪ Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, la, la, la... ♪
(growling)
(yelling)
D'oh! Let go!
Mmmmm...
Ohh... ahh...
Marge, it's times like this
I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.
Hi, Barney.
Thanks for keeping me company.
No problem.
Well, well...
if it isn't little Bart.
Remember your Uncle Barney?
Hey, Homer, let me hold him.
All right, but just be careful.
Whoa! Someone smells stinky.
(sniffs)
Oh, it's me.
Bart, you really shouldn't be looking
through other people's things.
Find anything good?
I said it before, and I'll say it again.
Ay, caramba!
Hey, Lis, bang, bang!
Aw, Bart...
that's a blackhead gun!
Eww!
Best McGyver ever.
Mm-hmm.
Richard Dean Anderson will be in my dreams tonight.
(loud, obnoxious snoring)
(shuddering groans)
(sighs)
HOMER: ♪ Go to sleep ♪
♪ And good night ♪
♪ La-da-da-da, da-da-da ♪
♪ Dee-dee-dee ♪
♪ May your Christmas days be nice ♪
Good night, my little pork chop.
(Barney snoring)
(belches)
Oh, Maggie?
Time for your 9:00 a.m. feeding.
Heh, heh, heh.
(screams)
Maggie?
Maggie?!
(snoring)
Oh... hoo...
(grunting)
Maggie!
Oh, man.
You want a bad night?
Try sleeping on one of these.
Barney, I've lost the baby.
It's the worst thing I've ever done.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna make you an omelet.
Just help me look.
Are you sure?
I make them with two kinds of cheese.
-C'mon! -Whoa!
Hey, Homer, I think I've got her.
(grunting)
Come on!
Barney, you're gonna pull her arm off!
The sooner I get her out,
the sooner we can have omelets.
(grunts)
Hmm, so, what's the verdict?
Oh, dear God.
I can't even put a bag over my head.
Yes, you can.
Hello, I'd like the department of missing babies.
MAN: Please hold.
♪ Baby, come back ♪
♪ Listen, baby ♪
♪ You can blame it all on me ♪
♪ I was wrong ♪
♪ And I just can't live without you ♪
(Marge reading)
Hmm, I guess I've done everything.
By now you've seen what Rancho Relaxo has to offer.
Uh-huh.
But remember, we can't tell you how to have a good time.
-You have to tell us. -Oh.
As I said to Delores Montenegro in "Calling All Quakers"...
"Have it your way, baby."
♪♪ (corny theme)
Hello, room service?
This is Marge Simpson.
I'd like a hot fudge sundae with whipped cream
and some chocolate chip cheesecake
and a bottle of tequila.
Let's get out of here, Thelma.
Okay, Louise.
(long, deep sigh)
What do you want?
I came to see the kids.
Wait here...
and don't steal any light bulbs.
Hmm...
BOTH: Dad!
Hey, kids.
You haven't seen Maggie around anyplace, have you?
BOTH: Mm-mm.
Oh... well, I got to go.
(door closes)
PATTY: Come on, kids.
It's time to rub Aunt Patty's feet.
(shuddering groans)
(bad British accent) Hello, Gov'nor.
Lube job while you wait?
Don't touch me.
(sobbing)
(phone rings)
-Yello. -Hi, Homie.
I feel much better.
Listen, Marge, uh...
how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away?
Homer, that's awful.
Oh. Well, I got good news for you.
The dog didn't run away.
Well, good.
I'm coming home, honey.
You can pick me up at the train station in an hour,
and bring the kids. Bye.
D'oh!
Please, don't jump.
I know you're going through some tough times
but you have your whole life ahead of you.
Well, Marge... Maggie was very young.
It's not like we got so attached to her.
No.
Marge, isn't life funny?
One day, they're babies,
the next thing you know, they're off on their own.
(doorbell rings)
Are you the man who reported the lost baby?
-Yes. -Can you describe her?
Uh, she's small...
she's a girl...
-Bingo! -Oh, Maggie!
Not so fast.
You're wanted on three counts of criminal neglect.
You found my baby!
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
(embarrassed chuckling) Schucks.
Just don't do it again, you big lug.
(grunting)
You're not going anywhere.
(grunting)
Hi! Did you miss me?
(overlapping dialog)
HOMER: Never leave again! Never leave again!
Never leave again.
I missed you too.
MARGE: And from now on, I hope you'll help me out
a little more than you used to.
You got it, sweetheart.
You have enough blanket, there?
Well, I could use a little more.
And sometimes, I want a little time to myself
and I expect you to help--
BART: Mom...
I think I speak
for everyone in this bed
when I say you have nothing to worry about.
Now, let's just try and get
a little shut-eye. Okay?
(all sighing)
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.