♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(engine sputters)
Hey, what gives?
You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc, Jimmy.
Well, now your car has no battery.
But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by six.
I better give her a call.
(yawning)
(stuck dial tone)
Sorry, Jimmy.
Without zinc for the rotary mechanism
there are no telephones.
Dear God.
What have I done?
(clicking)
Think again, Jimmy.
You see, the firing pin in your gun was made of...
yup... zinc.
Come back, zinc.
Come back!
Come back.
Zinc, come back.
Zinc!
Zinc, zinc!
What?
Oh, it was all a dream.
Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones
car batteries, handguns, and many things
made of zinc.
Gross! He's picking his nose.
(students laughing)
-Hmph! -(bell ringing)
If anyone wants to learn more about zinc,
they're welcome to stay.
We can talk about anything.
I'll do your homework for you.
(groans)
"Chef Lonely Heart's Soup for One."
One scratch and win, Apu.
Mrs. Krabappel, I haven't seen you
since we doubled our prices.
Still teaching?
Let's see.
One more day at least.
(engine sputtering)
Bingo, bango, sugar in the gas tank.
Your ex-husband strikes again.
Mm...
Hmm?
A personal ad?
Why not?
It might be fun.
Kind of a lark.
(phone ringing)
Come on, come on.
Answer the phone.
I need a man!
(loud talking)
Ow, my eyeball!
(laughter)
Enough, people.
People?
All right.
You know, I can wait just as long as you.
(noise continues)
Knock it off!
Now, boys and girls,
let's welcome our very special guest,
Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King Yo-yo Company.
(smattering of applause)
Kids, this is a yo-yo.
Kind of dull, huh?
Not much competition for a video game...
or is it?
Presenting the Twirl King Champions!
Mr. Amazing!
Sparkle!
She's beautiful.
Zero gravity!
The Cobra!
These guys must be millionaires.
I'll bet they get all kinds of girls.
I question the educational value of this assembly.
Hey, it will be one of their few pleasant memories
when they're pumping gas for a living.
♪ This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius ♪
♪ Age of Aquarius ♪
♪ Aquarius... ♪
(cheering)
Now, for our next stunt, what do you say
-we get your principal up here? -No.
(cheering)
Careful now.... Ohh!
That one grazed my ear.
Don't move.
-You could really get hurt. -Oh.
How much do those yo-yo's cost?
I don't care.
(kids shouting good-byes)
Wow!
Thanks, Sparkle.
Wait...
This isn't you.
That's the old Sparkle.
All right, get your worthless butts in the van.
We got three more schools to do.
C'mon, let's go, go, go!
(shouting good-byes)
That's your trick?
No. Here's my trick. Hoowah!
(laughing)
(gasping)
-Whoa! -Whoa!
Thank you. Thank you.
Marge, come here.
Can you believe it?
Pretty soon, I'll be able to quit my job
and live off the boy.
What? Name me one person
who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks.
(thinking) Donald Trump? No.
Arnold Palmer? No.
Bill Cosby? No.
D'oh!
"After two months at sea,
the Pilgrims were running out of food and water."
Yes, Nelson?
Did they have any yo-yos?
No, they did not have yo-yos.
"When they landed at Plymouth Rock,
they were greeted by the friendly Wompanog Indians."
Did the Indians have yo-yos?
No, they did not have yo-yos!
That's it! I am sick and tired
of talking about yo-yos.
From now on, I will not accept any book report
science projects, dioramas,
or anything else on yo-yos, or yo-yo related topics.
Am I making myself clear?
Yo. (laughs)
Hey, Bart,
got any new tricks for us today?
Just one.
A little something I call "Plucking the Pickle."
I build up a little steam, and...
(gasps)
I didn't do it.
Don't worry about your wee fish, lass.
They're going to a better place.
(toilet flushing)
Bart, that's one month's detention.
Mrs. Krabappel, we're all upset
by the untimely deaths of Stinky and Wrinkles
but life goes on.
So, if I could just have my yo-yo back...
Bart, if I were you, and you were me,
would you give back the yo-yo?
Here you go... just kidding.
Here you go...
Just kidding.
(chuckling)
Well, would you?
Absolutely.
P-hih!
What's eating you, woman?
Your personal ad said you wanted a man.
You got yourself a hum-dinger.
I don't know. I guess I expected
something different from your photo.
Don't let my age fool you.
Just because there's a little snow on the roof...
I forget how the rest of that goes.
One month's detention.
She'll pay for this.
Yup, there's your problem.
Someone jammed a Malibu Stacy head down here.
Edna, happy hour in the teacher's lounge.
Just a sec.
Hmm.
Huh?
"One plus one equals two?"
"Write Edna K. Box 402."
Hmm.
Dear Edna...
I never answered a personal ad before
but I found yours irresistible.
My name is...
SEXY MALE VOICE: Woodrow.
I like holding hands
and dinner by candlelight
and oh, yes, I really hate yo-yos.
Oh, Woodrow!
(yeowling)
Maybe we should let the dog in.
Marge, dogs love the outdoors.
(whimpering)
MARGE: I think he needs a doghouse.
Yeah, but what are ya' gonna do?
I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.
Marge, you're a tool of the doghouse makers.
I am not.
Yes, you are.
You've been brainwashed
by all those doghouse commercials on TV.
I know. I'll build him a doghouse.
Oh, I don't know.
Don't worry.
I just drew up a little blueprint.
Let me walk you through it.
This is a door.
He goes through that--
This is a roof.
And this happy character here is the Sun.
He shines down on the house, see?
How was detention today, dear?
Oh, not bad.
I'm starting to get the hang of the floor-waxer.
Yes!
MRS. KRABAPPEL: Dear Woodrow,
I must admit I'm intrigued. You're not like
the other men I've met.
Yeah, I'm the 28th president of the United States.
But I've had some bad experiences with these ads.
So, I'd like to learn more about you, please write back soon.
Here's a photo that will get your pencil moving.
You've got a date with the Xerox machine.
(grunting and groaning)
Stupid lumber.
Damn it!
D'oh! I--
Oh, the hell with this!
A fellow came in to the store today, asked for change for a dollar.
Well, sir, I gave him three quarters by mistake.
Took me the whole afternoon to track him down.
Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
Hell no.
(gasping)
What did you say?
I said, I don't want any damn vegetables.
All right, that's it, young man!
No Bible stories for you tonight.
(crying)
Weren't you a little hard on him?
Well, you knew I had a temper
when you married me.
Ned Flanders is on the phone.
Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I...
Hello, Ned.
Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy...
Our son Todd just told us
he didn't want to eat his "damn vegetables."
Well, you know kids and vegetables.
What was it, asparagus?
No, no, Reverend.
The point is he said a bad word.
Oh. Oh, right.
Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace.
Find out who's doing it and uh, direct them to the Bible.
Where in the Bible?
-Uh... page 900. -But, Rev--
Damn Flanders.
Hey, Lis, a moment of your time.
Yeah?
Suppose I was writing a second letter to a girl
and I already used up my "A" material.
What should I say?
Ooh, could it be there's a special someone
you're not telling me about?
Oh please!
-Is it Teri? -No.
-Is it Sheri? -No!
Is it that girl with the lazy eye patch?
No!
Is it that exchange student Mix-pa?
No! It's not for me.
It's... homework.
Sure it is.
Hey, Bart, let's do some homework.
(kissing)
(groans)
Golly, Sergeant Carter, I can't fix your Jeep,
but maybe this will make it up to you.
(deep baritone) ♪ Galveston, oh, Galveston... ♪
Is this all he watches?
He used to watch "Davy and Goliath"
but he thought the idea of a talking dog
was blasphemous.
Hey, Mom, did you save the love letters Dad sent you?
Of course I saved them.
Well, actually, there's only one
and it's more
of a love postcard from some brewery he visited.
HOMER: "Maybe it's the beer talking, Marge,
"but you've got a butt that won't quit.
They got these big, chewy pretzels here..."
(slurring speech)
"...five dollars?! Get outta here."
Wow, a side of Dad I've never seen!
(sighs)
Penny for your thoughts, Miss K.
I was just thinking...
You wouldn't be interested.
Try me. Sometimes it helps to talk.
(hawks and spits)
Well, I was just wishing I could meet a man
who likes the way I look first thing in the morning
-Laughs at my jokes... -Uh-huh.
-Can fix my car. -Oh, yeah.
BART: "Dear Edna, your photo took my breath away.
WOODROW: "Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit.
"Yesterday morning,
"I put your picture up in my garage
to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs."
(moans and glugs)
At last, we've built the mission.
Finally, the villagers have a place to pray.
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ We shall come rejoicing... ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
Well, he's not getting it from his brother
that's for darn sure.
HOMER: Damn crappy nails!
Super Glue, my butt!
(gasps)
D'oh! You bas--
Hit it! Shot! D'oh!
Homer?
What is it, Flanders?
I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you.
Look, if it's about your camcorder, I lost it, okay?
No, I came to talk to you about your potty mouth.
What the hell are you talking about?
Look, Homer, all of us pull a few boners now and then--
go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves.
So, I don't want to be hard on you but
I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys.
Oh, come on now, Flanders.
I don't complain about your...
moustache.
What's wrong with my moustache?
Uh, it makes you look like you got something to hide.
What?
People are talking. Lots of people.
Okay, Mister, you've got yourself a deal.
I'll shave off the soup-strainer
if you give the sailor talk the old heave-ho, okay?
Aye, aye... Admiral Butthead.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
"Two for Tunisia" on Colorization Theater.
Ah, my love.
A million poets could try for a million years
and still describe but three-eighths of your beauty.
Whoa, slow down, Frenchy.
This stuff is gold.
Wow! "A million poets working for a million years..."
You're so lucky.
When are you going to meet him?
First, I ask him to send a photo.
If he's got everything where it should be
I'm reeling him in.
(laughing)
Strap on your skates, Gordie.
You're going in.
Hey, Marge, do you want to hear something funny?
Flanders thinks I swear too much.
(giggling)
Marge, you're not laughing.
Well, you know, maybe he's right.
Well, what a surprise.
Marge sticks up for Flanders.
Can we have one conversation
where you don't bring up your hero Ned Flanders?
Actually Homer, you brought up Ned Flanders.
Look, we're past that.
Marge! Maybe I do curse a little,
but that's the way God made me, and I'm too old to stop now.
No, you're not.
When my father got out of the Navy,
he used to curse a blue streak.
It almost cost him his job as a baby photographer.
So my Mom put a swear jar in the kitchen.
Every time he said a bad word,
he put in a quarter. What do you think?
Well, Marge,
self-improvement has always been a passion of mine.
Bring on the swear jar.
Do I have to pay if I hit my hand with a hammer?
Yes, Homer.
-What if I catch on fire? -No, Homer.
What if I see something really weird in the sky?
Yes, Homer.
-What about when we snuggle? -Hmm... that's okay.
MISS KRABAPPEL: "Dear Woodrow, it's time for us to meet.
"Why don't we go out to dinner?
And afterward, we can go to my apartment for some home cookin'."
Huh?
Ay, caramba!
"Hungrily yours, Edna."
Well, she's dangled on the line long enough.
It's time to boat this bass.
"When I read your letters, I feel as if you are right here watching me."
-Bart! Eyes down. -Yes, Ma'am.
BART: "Edna, every second until we meet
"stabs me like a thousand needles.
WOODROW: "Join me at the Gilded Truffle this Saturday at 8:00.
"Perhaps later we will smooch up a storm.
Sexily yours, Woody."
(laughing)
(Bart sighing)
Huh?
(crying)
Oh, I can't help but feel partly responsible.
-Homer, that was a 20. -Da--
Oh, you son of a--
Homer, I owe you one, buddy.
No sooner had I shaved off the old cookie duster
than a lady cast me in a commercial.
I tell ya' the way these checks keep coming in-- it's almost criminal.
You dirty bast--
What do you think, Lisa?
How's the dog supposed to get in?
Well, he just goes...
Ohh!
(snoring)
(screams)
(sighing)
Oh, Woodrow, how could you stand me up?
Mrs. K., whoever this guy is, you don't need him.
There are plenty of good men around.
Name one.
What's wrong with Principal Skinner?
Seymour? Hmph.
Let's just say his mommy won't let him out to play.
What about Coach Fortner?
Glug, glug, glug, glug...
Wow.
What about Groundskeeper Willy?
Ugh! I'm not even gonna tell you what that guy's into.
Bart, you are the closest thing to a man in my life.
And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry.
(sobbing)
(groaning)
Aah..!
Oh, fudge... that's broken.
Fiddle-dee-dee.
That will require a tetanus shot.
I'm not going to swear
but I am going
to kick this doghouse down!
(ranting)
Dad, this is not a commentary on your skills,
but we bought you a new doghouse.
Where'd you get the money?
There was more than enough in the swear jar,
and if you look inside the doghouse, there's a little surprise.
Maggie.
Oh, cute.
No, behind her.
(gasps)
Beer! How did you know?
Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie?
There's Maggie!
(makes raspberries on her belly)
Mom, this is a little ahead of schedule
but I need help with my love life.
Oh, my special little guy has a sweetheart.
(snickering)
I knew it!
Alright Bart, who's your girlfriend?
Mrs. Krabappel.
-Hmm. -Hmm.
(whistles)
Bart, this is your teacher?
I should start going to parent's night.
(growls)
Homer!
Bart, you did a very cruel thing.
Boy, you've got to go to your teacher
and tell her the truth.
No, Homer. The truth would humiliate her.
Oh Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
Maybe we should write her another letter
One that says good-bye, but let's her feel loved.
Step aside, everyone.
Sensitive love letters are my specialty.
"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpville.
Population: you."
We'll all help.
"Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea,
my heart will always be with you."
That sucks.
How about "crocodiles bit off my face"?
That's disgusting, and besides,
when a woman loves a man,
it doesn't matter that a crocodile bit off his face.
I may hold you to that, Marge.
Okay, okay. "I cannot see you for the next five years,
for I will be farming the ocean floor."
(buzzes)
"I must finish this letter quickly,
for I have only four minutes to live."
Three simple words: "I am gay."
Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in.
"And anytime I hear the wind blow,
it will whisper the name... Edna."
Oh, that's very good, Lisa.
"P.S.: I am gay."
(both groaning)
How shall we end it?
How about, "With a love that will echo through the ages."
-Aww. -Ooh!
That's sweet.
Homer, you old honey dripper.
Why, you little... hee, hee.
Huh?
Wait!
WOODROW: "Dearest Edna, I must leave you.
"Why? I cannot say.
"Where? You cannot know.
"How I will get there?
"I haven't decided yet.
"But one thing I can tell you,
"any time I hear the wind blow,
it will whisper the name... Edna."
Ohh..!
(humming)
Bart, it's such a nice day today,
let's have detention outside.
It's a date.
(hockey arena organ playing)
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.