♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
Now, class, I promised you
a surprise today.
Wow!
(sighing)
I knew it!
And here it is.
We're going to take a test.
-Oh! -(class groans)
We're going to take a test.
All right! A test!
It's called the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test--
or "CAN'T."
Some of you may discover
a wonderful vocation you never even imagined.
Others may find out life isn't fair.
In spite of your masters from Bryn Mawr,
you might end up a glorified baby-sitter
to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders
while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!
(clears throat)
First question--
"If I could be any animal, I would be:
"A) A carpenter ant.
"B) A nurse shark.
Or C) A lawyer bird."
Question 60--
"I prefer the smell of:
"A) Gasoline.
"B) French fries.
Or C) Bank customers."
Well, that was a waste of time.
Janie, school is never a waste of time.
Since we have 15 minutes until recess,
please put down your pencils
and stare at the front of the room.
Here for the tests.
(bells ringing)
(bells ringing wildly)
(electrical sputtering)
Come on, Emma.
(bells ringing)
MAN: Here's your scientifically selected career.
-Architect! -Mm-hmm.
-Insurance salesman. -Mm-hmm.
Salmon gutter?
Military strongman!
Systems analyst, systems analyst, systems analyst.
Systems analyst.
All right!
Homemaker?
Mm-hmm. It's like a mommy.
Police officer?
Well, I'll be jiggered.
(chuckles) If you'd like to learn more, I could arrange for you
to ride along in a police car for a night.
Hey! I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car.
I really think you should consider this.
You know, before I saw these test results,
I had you pegged as a drifter.
Wow. A drifter.
Lousy sheriff.
Run me out of town.
He's lost my vote.
Cool.
LISA: A homemaker!
I might as well be dead.
Lisa, it's not that bad.
So what are you gonna be, boy?
Policeman.
(choking)
Oh, that's nice, Bart.
You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while,
but they said he was too heavy.
No, the Army said I was too heavy.
The police said I was too dumb.
Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician.
I've got it all figured out:
I'll be unappreciated in my own country,
but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French.
I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse,
but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs,
and I may or may not die young.
-I haven't decided. -Honey, if that's what you want,
-we'll do anything we can to help. -Wait a minute.
Isn't anybody going to follow in my footsteps?
(crickets chirping)
(wolf howling)
Can you tell me if I have what it takes
to be a blues musician?
Sure can. Show me your chops.
(blues melody)
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Cool.
So, you think she has talent?
Sure.
Do you think she could be a professional someday?
Oh, Lord, no.
But I'll practice every day.
Yeah, well, I'll be frank with you, Lisa,
and when I say frank, I mean, you know, devastating.
You've inherited a finger condition
known as stubbiness.
It usually comes from the father's side.
D'oh!
Stupid fingers.
You're wrong! You're wrong!
You don't need long fingers to play the blues.
The blues come from in here.
My God, they are stubby.
(screams)
Look, I didn't steal that copper wire.
I just thought they were throwing it out.
Here. Take it.
Heh, no, no, sir. We're here for your son.
He's coming on a ride-along.
Good for you. Maybe this will straighten the boy out.
Wow! Can I see your club?
It's called a baton, son.
Oh. What's it for?
We club people with it.
Well! It's about time.
So you guys like being cops?
Oh, it's great.
You get to run red lights, park wherever you please,
hot-and-cold-running chicks.
And when you go home at night,
you know you've made a difference.
Hey Bart, you see that Caddie over there?
BART: Uh-huh.
That's Mayor Quimby's car.
Tonight, His Honor is polling the electorate.
How would you like a street named after you?
(whistling)
(scoffing)
I tell you.
They only come out at night.
Dear log,
this will be my last entry,
for you were a journal of my hopes and dreams,
and now, I have none.
(cocks gun)
Do you need straight A's to be a cop?
(hearty laughter)
Hey, fellas, let's go shoot some bad guys.
Whoa, it doesn't quite work that way, son.
People see movies like McBain, and they think it's all
bang-bang, shoot-'em-up cops and robbers.
(tires screeching)
Let's roll.
(siren wailing)
One-ocean-tango.
We're in pursuit of a speeding individual
driving a red... car, license number
eggplant-xerxes crybaby-overbite-narwhal.
Oh, no.
Cops.
Whoo. They used nylon rope this time.
It feels so smooth against my skin--
almost sensuous.
(siren wailing)
Ooh, baby.
(screaming)
Damn boxes.
He's trapped.
-Where's our backup? -I don't know.
Son, this is against every regulation
but would you cover us?
BART: Wow!
Huh?
(clicking)
(laughing)
See you in hell, punk.
(screaming)
See you in hell, punk!
(screaming)
(glass breaking)
(moaning)
(sirens approaching)
Man, that was close.
Good thing this alley got so narrow in the middle.
(tires squealing)
Well, that's nice work, boys.
Looks like you just bought yourself
a lottery ticket, to jail.
He's unconscious, sir.
Oh, they can still hear things.
Sir, I know
what I want to be when I grow up-- a cop.
Well, until then, son
I'm gonna make you an honorary police officer.
-Eddie, give him your badge. -Hey!
Morning, honey.
What's so good about being stuck
in the house behind a stove?
Lisa, I know you're down on homemaking
but it can really let you be creative.
See? This morning I turned bacon, eggs, and toast
into a nice smiley face for Bart and Homer.
What's the point? They'll never notice.
Oh, well, you'd be surprised.
(chomping)
-Hmm, umm, hmm... -(belches)
Now just relax your hand. Thank you, ma'am.
You've been most cooperative.
(sniffing)
Bad dog!
(whines)
Very bad dog!
Mom, before you blame the dog,
I think you should take a look at these surveillance photos.
Oh.
Oh!
(groans)
Oh, Bart!
Oh. I don't know how that got in there.
Lisa, why aren't you at band practice?
I quit.
Honey, right now you're discouraged
but deep down, you know you love the saxophone.
I think you should stay in the band.
If you think it's so great, why don't you join the band?
Lisa... There are a lot of people in the world
who like to tell you what you can't do,
but they don't always know what they're talking about.
You know what I want to be when I grow up?
The girl on the oatmeal box?
(laughing)
No. I'm going to be an astronaut.
-Women can't be astronauts. -Why not?
They distract the men astronauts
so they wouldn't keep their minds on the road.
There will too be women astronauts.
(laughing)
It's true
and we'll all live
in cities on the Moon.
So, you see, my sisters were wrong
except about the cities on the Moon.
I was wrong about that, so...
Well, you can see how anyone can be wrong.
(groans)
SKINNER: Sleek, vigilant puma--
Principal of the mountains.
Hi, Lis.
Want to quiz me on the vowels?
Janey, I'm about ready to chuck the whole stinkin' alphabet.
Huh?
Lisa, what are you doing?
That's a bad-girl bathroom.
Duh!
You want to egg Skinner's car?
Okay.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
Then get out.
'Cause we're figuring out stuff to egg.
Okay, but if you really want to honk Skinner off
I suggest you attack the one thing
he truly believes in.
I saw some awful things in 'Nam,
but you really have to wonder at the mentality
that would desecrate a helpless puma.
(scoffs) I never thought I'd say this
but the no-goodniks rule this school.
WILLIE: Get your hands off me!
God, I could really use a half day.
Think you're big men with your handcuffs
and blasted Tasers!
Get him out of here.
I'll get you, Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do!
Now what is this all about?
Well it's quite simple, really.
I observed our friend, Groundskeeper Willie,
burning leaves with a blatant disregard
for our clean air laws.
Ha! Bart Simpson
on the side of law and order?
Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
That's right, man.
I got my first taste of authority
and I liked it.
Hmm.
Bart, there are a lot of trouble makers
in this school,
and, Lord knows I can't be everywhere at once.
Go on.
Look, let's can the euphemisms, huh? No more bull spit.
How would you like to be a hall monitor?
Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids?
That's the meat of it, yes.
Hmm...
Now, Witness X
would you please tell the court what you saw?
I'd be more than happy to. (chuckles)
I saw Mr. Montone there
seal the late Mr. Palaccio in an oil drum
and roll him off the pier.
I kill you!
Ay, caramba!
I don't know.
Oh, now... you get to wear a sash.
(gasps)
You got yourself a narc.
Hey Jimbo, keeping your nose clean, dude? Thatta boy.
Hey, Donna, who loves you, baby?
(yelling)
Not in my hall, bub.
I think you've had enough, sister.
Come on, let's keep it moving.
Pink belly! Pink belly! Pink belly!
All right, break it up, boys.
That belly ain't going to get any pinker.
Okay.
-Wedgie! -(grunts)
(boys laughing)
(painfully) Thanks, Bart.
Bart's grades are up a little this term,
but Lisa's are way down.
Oh, we always have one good kid and one lousy kid.
Why can't both our kids be good?
We have three kids, Homer.
Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.
No. Maggie.
Oh, yeah.
Now take some paste and spread it
on the construction paper.
Ralph, are you eating your paste?
(muffled:) No, Miss Hoover.
Good. Now sprinkle your sparkles on your paste.
Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.
Shove it.
(gasps)
I have never seen
a good student take such a slide.
Lisa, what are you rebelling against?
What do you got?
...and she goes "Lisa told Hoover to shove it."
And I'm, like, "No way..."
And she's like "'Fraid so." And I'm all "Whoa!"
And she's like--
Hey, Lisa, man.
I'm, like, so impressed.
When I was in second grade, I was all "Hi there! I'm so good."
Want a smoke?
Uh... I'll smoke it in class.
-Whoa! -Whoa!
Bart, you're doing a bang-up job.
You know, before, there were some corridors in this school
you'd just never go down.
Now I feel safe anywhere.
Every day is a new fight, sir.
Bart, the school is a police state.
Students are afraid to sneeze.
I have you to thank.
Come with me.
Madre de dios!
The legends were true!
Yes, Bart, whenever a teacher confiscates something
it ends up here.
Salacious halter tops,
complete collections of Mad, Cracked,
and the occasional issue of Crazy,
and this fake plastic derriere.
(laughing)
(grunts)
Now, to show my gratitude, I want you
to help yourself to an item of your choice.
All right!
Ooh, now you be careful with that crossbow.
I will.
♪♪
Seymour. This is an absence slip
signed by Nelson's mother,
and this is Nelson's English homework.
Notice the identical elongated loops on the D's.
Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy.
This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again.
Things have changed.
There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glasscock.
Hey, Louis, watch this.
Ow! Bart, do something!
Let's go, Milhouse.
MILHOUSE: Sure, we have order-- but at what price?
Now let's correct our homework exercises.
Lisa, what 19th century figure was nicknamed Old Hickory?
I don't know. You?
(kids laughing)
Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment
you'd know the answer is...
The Battle of New Orleans...
I mean... Andrew Jackson.
Well, you're earning your 18 grand a year.
(kids laughing)
(Lisa coughing)
Stupid Hoover.
Thinks she's so smart.
She wouldn't be so smart without her teacher's edition.
(chuckling)
(distressed mumbling)
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
the unthinkable has happened.
Some sick, twisted individual has stolen
every teacher's edition in this school.
What do we do?
Declare a snow day!
Does anyone know the multiplication table?
Please, please, don't panic.
They can smell fear.
Children, I know this is highly irregular,
but for the rest of the day, Martin will be teaching this class.
I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin.
Just do it, brainiac.
Have I ever told you kids about the '60s?
(kids clamoring)
I've got to get out of here.
Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.
I'm leaving the profession again.
Oh, now Mr. Glasscock, please reconsider.
Uh-uh.
(toilet flushing)
(whistling)
Bart, the police haven't had any luck
finding the teacher's editions.
The dogs have picked up the scent of books.
Send in the battering ram.
Here we go.
We're going to have to reorder every book.
Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner
those books are still here.
All we have to do is search every locker.
Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches
are permitted by the Supreme Court.
Pfft! Supreme Court.
What have they done for us lately?
Let's move.
Hmm...
Baa!
(gasping)
(Bart gasps)
Lisa!
That's right.
It was I.
-Lis, why did you do it? -Come on, Bart!
In your pre-fascist days,
you knew the giddy thrill of futile rebellion.
Yeah, but even I had my limits.
You're looking at expulsion for this.
I know! I know!
(sobbing)
(Skinner gasps)
The books!
Oh, answers! Answers!
Simpson, you've just saved this school $120.
Who's behind this monstrous crime?
-I am. -(gasping)
SKINNER: I've been so blind. In retrospect,
the signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.
Sorry if I betrayed your trust, Principal Sucker.
Now, Bart, in light of your recent service to the school
I've decided to be lenient.
400 days detention.
400 days.
I can do that standing on my head.
All right, 500 days.
Ooh! Big man!
600 days.
Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.
Let's go, Simpson.
Bart, why did you take the blame?
'Cause I didn't want you to wreck your life.
You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want.
And when you do,
I'll be right there to borrow money.
Oh, Bart.
(saxophone playing)
Sounding good, Lis.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.