♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
Would you turn off that rock n' rock music?
Hey, don't have a stegosaurus, man.
(laughing)
These talking dinosaurs are more real
than most real families on TV.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Hee hee hee. Look, Maggie, they have a baby too.
It's like they saw our lives and put it right up on screen.
Now kids, I know you're all excited
about meeting Aunt Selma's new boyfriend tonight.
-(raspberry) -But I think that before he gets here
I should tell you something about him.
Something disturbing.
Ooh!
Eyugh!
You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession
about not dying alone.
So in desperation,
she joined this prison pen pal program.
Her new sweetie is a jailbird.
Cool, he can teach us
how to kill a man with a lunch tray.
Now, now, he's an ex-convict.
He's paid his debt to society.
Then how come you're not using
the good silverware?
I'm just not.
-(doorbell rings) -That's them.
Remember, everyone,
be understanding and forgiving
for the sake of family unity.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet...
BOTH: Aah! Sideshow Bob!
SELMA: What the--
Selma, dear, I'm afraid the children's reaction
is quite understandable.
You see, Bart here is the shamus in short pants
who sent me to prison.
That's right, Aunt Selma.
Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown
for armed robbery.
(gasps)
Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison,
the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives
and tear him a new belly-button.
(grunts)
Lousy snitch.
Yaah!
(nervous laughter)
(chuckles) Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting
the first two noble truths of the Buddha.
-I am not. -Yes, you are.
One: Existence is suffering.
Two: The cause of suffering is desire.
In this case, my desire to do high-quality
children's programming.
When prison put an end to that dream,
I became a seething cauldron
of rage and recrimination.
(growls)
(monkey hooting)
(Krusty chuckling)
When I was nominated for best supporting performer
in a children's program at the daytime Emmy awards,
my bitterness ruined
what should have been the greatest night of my life.
And the nominees are:
Droopy drawers,
Colonel Coward,
Pepito, the biggest cat in the whole wide world,
Sideshow Bob,
and Suckup the Vacuum.
And the Emmy goes to...
Oh, I don't believe this...
Sideshow Bob.
(applause)
This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win,
you bantering jack-in-the-box!
Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob.
-No-talent, shill! -Second banana!
-Panderer! -Bore!
Stop it! I can-- Release me!
Uh, now for the highlight of the evening,
best film-to-video transfer.
Do you know what prison is like
for a life-long, conservative Republican?
In our overcrowded cell
we became little more than beasts.
Who used my chap stick?
Oh, I did. Here you go.
I don't want it.
My only joy came with plotting a horrible revenge
against the boy who put me there.
Ay, caramba!
Bart, if I wanted to kill you,
I'd have choked you like a chicken
as soon as I walked in that door.
(all gasp)
But then what kind of a guest
would I have been?
(laughing)
Now, where was I?
Ah, yes. My lowest ebb.
You can't take my Emmy.
Hey, you know the rules.
Awards for excellence in entertainment are contraband.
No Emmys, no Oscars,
not even a Golden Globe.
But kismet can be kind, as well as cruel.
I received an answer to my letter
from the prison pen pal program.
SELMA: "Dear #24601...
"I need a man and I cannot find one
"among the law abiding.
"I have a steady job and a lucrative hobby:
"filing nuisance lawsuits.
"I share an apartment with my twin sister.
"Enclosed is a photo of us
"on a tandem bike.
I forget which one I am."
BOB: "Dear Selma...
"your latest letter set off a riot
in the maximum-security wing of my heart."
Ohhh...
(pffft)
Like the lone crocus that pokes through the prison yard,
our love bloomed despite all obstacles.
Selma, may I?
Uh, uh, uh.
On the cheek.
(kissing)
Inspired by the love of a good woman,
I resolved to be
the best darned inmate #24601 I could be.
I bade farewell to my cellmates,
and left with the woman I loved.
Cutter.
Icepick.
Snake.
I'm going to miss you most of all.
ALL: Aww!
What a beautiful story, sideshow Bob.
You're living proof
that our revolving-door prison system works.
Selma, I've never seen you so happy.
Giggling like a schoolgirl.
(hoarse giggles)
I've got to admit it, Selma,
he's a once-in-a-lifetime catch.
Yes, I hope the police are saying that as well.
(laughing)
I can't believe you guys.
This man framed Krusty the Clown.
-Bart! -Indeed, I did
and I'd like to thank you for catching me, Bart.
You seized the wheel
of my slow boat to hell, and pointed it
straight towards the sunny shores of Selma.
Hear, hear.
Selma, would you mind
if I did something bold and shocking
in front of your family?
All right, but no tongues.
Although kissing you
would be like kissing some divine ashtray,
that's not what I had in mind.
Selma, will you marry me?
(gasps)
Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma.
That man is scum.
Then call me "Mrs. Scum."
SIDESHOW BOB: ♪ I know I stand in line ♪
♪ Until I think you have the time ♪
♪ To spend an evening with me ♪
♪ And if we go someplace to dance ♪
♪ I know that there's a chance ♪
♪ You won't be leaving with me ♪
SIDESHOW BOB: ♪ And afterwards, we drop into ♪
♪ A quiet little place ♪
♪ And have a drink or two ♪
BOB AND SELMA: ♪ And then I go and spoil it all ♪
♪ By saying something stupid ♪
♪ Like "I love you" ♪
(pleasurable moaning)
Could you... pumice my corns for me?
Avec plaisir.
HANS MOLEMAN: "A"... "G"...
"Q"... Seven...
Close enough.
May you drive safely and find true love.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to the 27th annual
Krusty the Clown telethon
for motion sickness.
Tympani.
(drum roll)
Whoo-hoo! I love you people!
I love my kids!
Poor little guys.
So tragic.
So nauseous.
You should see the bus they came to the studio in.
(crying)
What's next? Oh, yeah.
And now, a man who needs no introduction,
"The Chairman of the Company"--
You know who I'm talking about.
Get out here, you gumba!
Krustelah, there's an old friend backstage
-who wants to say hello. -Huh? What?
-I can't believe it! -Oh, they've been feuding for years.
Come here, you.
Oh, you old clown, you.
I missed you.
This guy is a national treasure.
That jerk I got to replace you,
he isn't fit to hold your slide whistle.
All I can be is myself.
Krusty, can you ever forgive me for framing you
and putting you in jail?
Hey, if they ever open the books on this telethon,
I'm right back in there.
That sideshow Bob
is a no-good show biz phony.
Come on, Bart.
If Krusty can find it in his heart to forgive him,
surely you can, too.
Oh, Krusty, I can't tell you
how much I missed this.
Ha-ha!
Now, about your wedding dress...
Mmm. I'm not sure how to put this...
-White! -White.
And what would you like for appetizers?
Ooh, appetizers.
Well, Homer, you seem to be a trencherman.
What should we serve?
Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies.
They taste as good as they look,
and they come in this delicious red sauce.
It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup,
but, brother, it ain't ketchup!
Well, Selma, he makes a good case.
Eh, get whatever you want.
It all tastes like Styrofoam to me.
Selma, dear, I'm confused.
Well, when I was a kid,
we were playing with bottle rockets,
and one shot straight up my nose.
I permanently lost my sense of taste and smell.
Okay, we've got cocktail weenies and Swedish meatballs.
Selma, this wedding is spinning out of control.
Can we really afford it?
I've already run through eight of the ten dollars
they gave me when I left prison.
Hey, relax. I told you I got money.
I bought stock in a mace company
just before society crumbled.
Selma, that's wonderful!
I just hope people don't think
I'm marrying you for your money,
instead of your... less tangible qualities.
(slurps)
Tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Bob Terwilliger.
Isn't it grand?
Hey, Bob, give some of that honey this way.
Mmm...
Holy frijoles!
We've got ten minutes till "MacGyver".
Driver, here's a fin.
Get me home, and don't spare the whip.
Whatever you say, mum.
(belches)
(door slams)
What did I miss?
MacGyver was wearing a tank top.
Dang.
Why, Selma, I thought I was the only man in your life.
Sit down and shut up!
MAN: Thank you, Señor MacGyver,
you saved our village.
MACGYVER: Don't thank me.
Thank the moon's gravitational pull.
That MacGyver's a genius.
First of all, he's not a genius.
He's an actor.
And second, he's not much of an actor.
You're lying. You're lying!
No, Selma, this is lying:
That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap
that never made me want to retch.
No!
(crying)
(Selma sobbing)
He was so cruel.
The things he said--
They're just not true.
There, there.
Oh, well, I guess the wedding's off.
Fiddle-dee-dee. Tomorrow's another day.
-Bart, stop that! -No, he's right.
We're a package.
Love me, love "MacGyver".
I guess the wedding's off.
Selma, I don't know what to say.
Just tell me you like "MacGyver".
Very well. I...
I...
I can't do it!
Even that car chase seemed tacked on.
(sobbing)
Oh, would you two knock it off?
I hate all the programs Marge likes,
but it's no big deal.
You know why?
-No. -Go on.
Whenever Marge puts on
one of her nonviolent programs, I take a walk.
I go to a bar, I pound a few,
then I stumble home in the mood for love.
Very well, Selma.
Whenever you watch "MacGyver,"
I'll take a vigorous constitutional,
and return more in love with you than ever.
Oh, Bob.
Bart no like. Bad medicine.
(organ playing "The Wedding March")
I could have been the flower girl,
and I wouldn't keep falling down either.
Hey, they chose Maggie, okay?
Yeah, well, if you want to go for cutesyness
instead of competence, fine.
Do you, Bob, take Selma,
to have and to hold, in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
(gruesome-voiced) I do.
(gasps)
(playing generic lounge music)
Mmm.
Oh.
Hey, wiener boy.
Where do you think you're going?
(munching and gobbling)
I'm the only single girl left in the family.
Well, I guess it could be worse.
Oh, there's Krusty the Clown.
Krusty! Krusty, say something funny.
Oh, gee, a joke, huh?
Um... Uh... Funny...
Okay, this guy walks into a bar
and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist...
Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one. Oh-ho!
Dear friends, 41 years ago,
God took 168 pounds of clay, and he made me a woman,
and for this, I thank him.
I just wanted to say,
on the advice of my new husband,
I've decided to give up smoking...
(cheering)
...except for after meals and after "MacGyver".
Why, Selma, dear, you'll bury us all. (chuckles)
Chief Wiggum, you've been around.
You don't trust sideshow Bob, do you?
Ah. Lighten up, son.
If he was going to commit a crime,
would he have invited the number-one cop in town?
Now, where did I put my gun?
Oh, yeah.
I set it down when I got a piece of cake.
(cheering)
I don't know what to say.
Just tell me what you know I want to hear.
I'm dying of jealousy.
Thank you.
(shouting farewells)
That's right, dear.
Enjoy your rest.
The wedding was very tough on you,
and the honeymoon is going to be...
murder.
(menacing laughter)
Welcome to our video honeymoon.
We're using the video camera Cousin Doug gave us,
and the video cassette Homer gave us.
Hey, and after we watch this, we can tape over it. (laughs)
There's Shelbyville Falls, rolling rock,
and here's another breathtaking sight.
My brand-new hubby.
I wanted a room with a fireplace,
you brainless luggage monkey!
Like the one in your brochure!
Oh, Selma, dear.
I was just chatting with my good friend... Dennis.
Now, smile for the camera, that's a good lad.
(metallic squeaking)
Ah, fire.
Scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmallows,
eradicator of dead wood.
Oh, Selma, dear, you and your little camera.
What do you say we shut it off for a while?
And make love?
I suppose so.
MARGE: Oh, that's sweet.
Why would Sideshow Bob go so nuts over a fireplace?
Because he wants his honeymoon
to be romantic.
Romantic? With Aunt Selma?
I guess you're just too young to understand.
Hmm.
(Selma moaning)
Bob, one of my fillings fell out.
Even murder has its ugly side.
Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet?
(shuddering groan)
Darling, you make it sound like a chore.
Ooh... Oh... Good... Mmm...
Soon I will kill you.
Huh?
Son pieds sentit beau--
French for "Her foot smells lovely."
Oh.
Prepare to be murdered.
-Huh? -(speaking Sanskrit)
That's... Sanskrit for "Your toes are like perfume."
(laughs)
-Voy a matar a usted. -Wha..?
That's Spanish for
"I am going to kill you."
Say what?
Why, dear, I do believe it's time
for your beloved "MacGyver".
-(alarm beeps) -Oh, hey, you're right.
(metallic squeaking)
-Well, time for my walk. -Mm.
Don't forget to die.
Ding-dong.
I was feeling kind of lonely without Selma.
Mind if I watch TV with you?
Oh, go ahead, Patty.
Tonight, on "MacGyver"...
"MacGyver," "MacGyver," "MacGyver."
Aunt Selma has one hour to live.
HOMER: Hey, down in front.
Goodbye.
(explosion)
(screaming)
Front desk, there's been a terrible accident in my room!
(glass crunching)
Poor Selma. You were having such a lovely evening
♪ And then I went and spoiled it all ♪
♪ By doing something stupid like explode you ♪
Sideshow Bob,
I'm afraid the only victims here
are the good people at Best Western hotels.
Bart!
Selma!
Oh!
You tried to kill me.
I want a separation.
My best-laid plans have gang agley.
Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail
for a two-time loser?
Well, no, frankly, but that never stopped us before. Ha!
Bart, I must know, how did you untangle my web?
Yeah, Bart, clue us in.
Well, I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town
how to do his job.
No, no, please, it's the only way I'll learn.
All right.
Sideshow Bob seemed so desperate
to get that fireplace, but why?
Then it hit me. The gas!
Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak
except Aunt Selma.
SELMA: I permanently lost my sense of taste and smell.
BART: She happily watched her "MacGyver,"
unaware that her room
was silently filling with natural gas.
All it needed to explode
was a single spark, say, from a cigarette.
SELMA: I've decided to give up smoking
except for after meals and after "MacGyver".
BART: Her only hope was a plucky young boy
and his slow-witted father.
Dad, when Aunt Selma lights up her cigarette
at the end of "MacGyver,"
she'll be blown to kingdom come.
Come again?
After trying four times
to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom,
and we were on our way!
To the Simpson-mobile!
(tires squealing)
No!
But wait, if you saved Selma, why did the room explode?
Oh, I'll field that one.
Me and the boys were all celebrating a job well done,
when I threw my match
in the vicinity of the crime scene.
Oh, right! The gas.
I'll be back. You can't keep
the Democrats out of the White House forever,
and when they get in, I'm back on the streets
with all my criminal buddies!
(maniacal laughter)
I feel like such a fool.
Well, he fooled almost everyone,
but there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.
Thanks, Mom.
Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway
before we all suffocate.
(all laughing)
♪♪
Shh.
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.