1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:14,973 (chalk screeches) 3 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,394 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,525 (work whistle blows) 5 00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:30,905 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 6 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:43,334 (jazzy solo) 7 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,464 (tires screech) 8 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,180 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:58,641 --> 00:00:59,893 (horn honks) 10 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,270 (tires screech) 11 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482 D'oh! 12 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,692 -Aah! -(tires screech) 13 00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:24,501 {\an8}Would you turn off that rock n' rock music? 14 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,586 {\an8}Hey, don't have a stegosaurus, man. 15 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,671 {\an8}(laughing) 16 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,590 {\an8}These talking dinosaurs are more real 17 00:01:30,673 --> 00:01:32,634 {\an8}than most real families on TV. 18 00:01:32,717 --> 00:01:34,594 {\an8}Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! 19 00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:37,680 {\an8}Hee hee hee. Look, Maggie, they have a baby too. 20 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:41,059 {\an8}It's like they saw our lives and put it right up on screen. 21 00:01:41,142 --> 00:01:43,186 {\an8}Now kids, I know you're all excited 22 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:45,563 {\an8}about meeting Aunt Selma's new boyfriend tonight. 23 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:47,357 {\an8}-(raspberry) -But I think that before he gets here 24 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,317 {\an8}I should tell you something about him. 25 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,778 {\an8}Something disturbing. 26 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,614 {\an8}Ooh! 27 00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:56,533 {\an8}Ooh! 28 00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:58,201 {\an8}Eyugh! 29 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,995 {\an8}You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession 30 00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,539 {\an8}about not dying alone. 31 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:03,915 {\an8}So in desperation, 32 00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:06,376 {\an8}she joined this prison pen pal program. 33 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,253 {\an8}Her new sweetie is a jailbird. 34 00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:10,213 {\an8}Cool, he can teach us 35 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:11,965 {\an8}how to kill a man with a lunch tray. 36 00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:15,343 {\an8}Now, now, he's an ex-convict. 37 00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:17,345 {\an8}He's paid his debt to society. 38 00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:18,805 {\an8}Then how come you're not using 39 00:02:18,888 --> 00:02:20,014 {\an8}the good silverware? 40 00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:21,099 {\an8}I'm just not. 41 00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:23,184 {\an8}-(doorbell rings) -That's them. 42 00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,561 {\an8}Remember, everyone, 43 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,563 be understanding and forgiving 44 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,606 for the sake of family unity. 45 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:32,193 Everyone, I'd like you to meet... 46 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,945 BOTH: Aah! Sideshow Bob! 47 00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,530 SELMA: What the-- 48 00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:36,823 Selma, dear, I'm afraid the children's reaction 49 00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,449 is quite understandable. 50 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,326 You see, Bart here is the shamus in short pants 51 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:41,494 who sent me to prison. 52 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:42,912 That's right, Aunt Selma. 53 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,998 Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown 54 00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:46,457 for armed robbery. 55 00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:48,126 (gasps) 56 00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:50,712 Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, 57 00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:52,922 the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives 58 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,300 and tear him a new belly-button. 59 00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,260 (grunts) 60 00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:58,511 Lousy snitch. 61 00:02:58,595 --> 00:02:59,512 Yaah! 62 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,723 (nervous laughter) 63 00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:04,434 (chuckles) Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting 64 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:06,519 the first two noble truths of the Buddha. 65 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:07,979 -I am not. -Yes, you are. 66 00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:10,607 One: Existence is suffering. 67 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,318 Two: The cause of suffering is desire. 68 00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:16,196 In this case, my desire to do high-quality 69 00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:17,447 children's programming. 70 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,408 When prison put an end to that dream, 71 00:03:20,491 --> 00:03:21,993 I became a seething cauldron 72 00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,244 of rage and recrimination. 73 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,120 (growls) 74 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:37,383 (monkey hooting) 75 00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,511 (Krusty chuckling) 76 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,097 When I was nominated for best supporting performer 77 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:45,642 in a children's program at the daytime Emmy awards, 78 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,477 my bitterness ruined 79 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,437 what should have been the greatest night of my life. 80 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,980 And the nominees are: 81 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,565 Droopy drawers, 82 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:53,900 Colonel Coward, 83 00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,237 Pepito, the biggest cat in the whole wide world, 84 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,405 {\an8}Sideshow Bob, 85 00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:01,491 {\an8}and Suckup the Vacuum. 86 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,576 And the Emmy goes to... 87 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,662 Oh, I don't believe this... 88 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,330 Sideshow Bob. 89 00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:09,332 (applause) 90 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,044 This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, 91 00:04:13,127 --> 00:04:15,380 you bantering jack-in-the-box! 92 00:04:15,463 --> 00:04:17,507 Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob. 93 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,008 -No-talent, shill! -Second banana! 94 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,009 -Panderer! -Bore! 95 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,845 Stop it! I can-- Release me! 96 00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:27,809 Uh, now for the highlight of the evening, 97 00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:29,185 best film-to-video transfer. 98 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,813 Do you know what prison is like 99 00:04:31,896 --> 00:04:34,148 for a life-long, conservative Republican? 100 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,237 In our overcrowded cell 101 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,656 we became little more than beasts. 102 00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:43,074 Who used my chap stick? 103 00:04:43,157 --> 00:04:44,325 Oh, I did. Here you go. 104 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,452 I don't want it. 105 00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:49,622 My only joy came with plotting a horrible revenge 106 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:51,541 against the boy who put me there. 107 00:04:58,631 --> 00:04:59,841 Ay, caramba! 108 00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:01,634 Bart, if I wanted to kill you, 109 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:02,969 I'd have choked you like a chicken 110 00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,470 as soon as I walked in that door. 111 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,346 (all gasp) 112 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,723 But then what kind of a guest 113 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:07,974 would I have been? 114 00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:10,852 (laughing) 115 00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:11,936 Now, where was I? 116 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:15,106 Ah, yes. My lowest ebb. 117 00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:16,774 You can't take my Emmy. 118 00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:18,443 Hey, you know the rules. 119 00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:21,362 Awards for excellence in entertainment are contraband. 120 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,405 No Emmys, no Oscars, 121 00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:23,614 not even a Golden Globe. 122 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:28,786 But kismet can be kind, as well as cruel. 123 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,288 I received an answer to my letter 124 00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:31,539 from the prison pen pal program. 125 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:35,209 SELMA: "Dear #24601... 126 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:37,670 "I need a man and I cannot find one 127 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,464 "among the law abiding. 128 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:42,133 "I have a steady job and a lucrative hobby: 129 00:05:42,216 --> 00:05:44,302 "filing nuisance lawsuits. 130 00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:46,179 "I share an apartment with my twin sister. 131 00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:47,680 "Enclosed is a photo of us 132 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:48,723 "on a tandem bike. 133 00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:50,808 I forget which one I am." 134 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,936 BOB: "Dear Selma... 135 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,563 "your latest letter set off a riot 136 00:05:55,646 --> 00:05:58,733 in the maximum-security wing of my heart." 137 00:05:58,816 --> 00:06:00,985 Ohhh... 138 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,862 (pffft) 139 00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:05,907 Like the lone crocus that pokes through the prison yard, 140 00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:08,284 our love bloomed despite all obstacles. 141 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,455 Selma, may I? 142 00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:13,623 Uh, uh, uh. 143 00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:16,376 On the cheek. 144 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:17,585 (kissing) 145 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,963 Inspired by the love of a good woman, 146 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,548 I resolved to be 147 00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:24,634 the best darned inmate #24601 I could be. 148 00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:29,305 I bade farewell to my cellmates, 149 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,973 and left with the woman I loved. 150 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,601 Cutter. 151 00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,186 Icepick. 152 00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:36,562 Snake. 153 00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,398 I'm going to miss you most of all. 154 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,984 ALL: Aww! 155 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,028 What a beautiful story, sideshow Bob. 156 00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,363 You're living proof 157 00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:47,907 that our revolving-door prison system works. 158 00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,826 Selma, I've never seen you so happy. 159 00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:51,911 Giggling like a schoolgirl. 160 00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:54,956 (hoarse giggles) 161 00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:56,624 I've got to admit it, Selma, 162 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,918 he's a once-in-a-lifetime catch. 163 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:01,879 Yes, I hope the police are saying that as well. 164 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,132 (laughing) 165 00:07:05,466 --> 00:07:06,801 I can't believe you guys. 166 00:07:06,884 --> 00:07:09,137 This man framed Krusty the Clown. 167 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,180 -Bart! -Indeed, I did 168 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:14,016 and I'd like to thank you for catching me, Bart. 169 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,393 You seized the wheel 170 00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,019 of my slow boat to hell, and pointed it 171 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:20,022 straight towards the sunny shores of Selma. 172 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,107 Hear, hear. 173 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:22,817 Selma, would you mind 174 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,694 if I did something bold and shocking 175 00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:26,112 in front of your family? 176 00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:27,238 All right, but no tongues. 177 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:28,614 Although kissing you 178 00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,867 would be like kissing some divine ashtray, 179 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,243 that's not what I had in mind. 180 00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:35,538 Selma, will you marry me? 181 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:36,581 (gasps) 182 00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:37,790 Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma. 183 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,167 That man is scum. 184 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,586 Then call me "Mrs. Scum." 185 00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:49,969 {\an8}SIDESHOW BOB: ♪ I know I stand in line ♪ 186 00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:51,888 ♪ Until I think you have the time ♪ 187 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,432 ♪ To spend an evening with me ♪ 188 00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,437 ♪ And if we go someplace to dance ♪ 189 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,105 ♪ I know that there's a chance ♪ 190 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,816 ♪ You won't be leaving with me ♪ 191 00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,529 SIDESHOW BOB: ♪ And afterwards, we drop into ♪ 192 00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,156 ♪ A quiet little place ♪ 193 00:08:10,239 --> 00:08:12,617 ♪ And have a drink or two ♪ 194 00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,455 BOB AND SELMA: ♪ And then I go and spoil it all ♪ 195 00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:19,832 ♪ By saying something stupid ♪ 196 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:23,503 ♪ Like "I love you" ♪ 197 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:26,422 (pleasurable moaning) 198 00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:31,511 Could you... pumice my corns for me? 199 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,346 Avec plaisir. 200 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:35,765 HANS MOLEMAN: "A"... "G"... 201 00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:39,560 "Q"... Seven... 202 00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:40,811 Close enough. 203 00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:44,565 May you drive safely and find true love. 204 00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,567 ANNOUNCER: We now return to the 27th annual 205 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:47,944 Krusty the Clown telethon 206 00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:49,362 for motion sickness. 207 00:08:49,445 --> 00:08:50,488 Tympani. 208 00:08:50,571 --> 00:08:52,114 (drum roll) 209 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,076 Whoo-hoo! I love you people! 210 00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:58,496 I love my kids! 211 00:08:58,579 --> 00:09:00,039 Poor little guys. 212 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:01,707 So tragic. 213 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,709 So nauseous. 214 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,212 You should see the bus they came to the studio in. 215 00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:09,674 (crying) 216 00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:15,012 What's next? Oh, yeah. 217 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:18,641 And now, a man who needs no introduction, 218 00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:20,560 "The Chairman of the Company"-- 219 00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:22,103 You know who I'm talking about. 220 00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:23,646 Get out here, you gumba! 221 00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:28,651 Krustelah, there's an old friend backstage 222 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:31,445 -who wants to say hello. -Huh? What? 223 00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:34,365 -I can't believe it! -Oh, they've been feuding for years. 224 00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:37,952 Come here, you. 225 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,203 Oh, you old clown, you. 226 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,454 I missed you. 227 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,873 This guy is a national treasure. 228 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,792 That jerk I got to replace you, 229 00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:46,877 he isn't fit to hold your slide whistle. 230 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,005 All I can be is myself. 231 00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:51,215 Krusty, can you ever forgive me for framing you 232 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:52,967 and putting you in jail? 233 00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:54,844 Hey, if they ever open the books on this telethon, 234 00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:56,304 I'm right back in there. 235 00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,347 {\an8}That sideshow Bob 236 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,141 {\an8}is a no-good show biz phony. 237 00:10:00,224 --> 00:10:01,767 Come on, Bart. 238 00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,644 If Krusty can find it in his heart to forgive him, 239 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,688 surely you can, too. 240 00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:07,189 Oh, Krusty, I can't tell you 241 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,191 how much I missed this. 242 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,318 Ha-ha! 243 00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:12,903 Now, about your wedding dress... 244 00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,822 Mmm. I'm not sure how to put this... 245 00:10:14,905 --> 00:10:17,074 -White! -White. 246 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:18,826 And what would you like for appetizers? 247 00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:20,411 Ooh, appetizers. 248 00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:22,121 Well, Homer, you seem to be a trencherman. 249 00:10:22,204 --> 00:10:23,664 What should we serve? 250 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:26,959 Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. 251 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:28,961 They taste as good as they look, 252 00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:31,297 and they come in this delicious red sauce. 253 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:34,091 It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, 254 00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:36,719 but, brother, it ain't ketchup! 255 00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:38,471 Well, Selma, he makes a good case. 256 00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:39,680 Eh, get whatever you want. 257 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,891 It all tastes like Styrofoam to me. 258 00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:44,393 Selma, dear, I'm confused. 259 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:45,936 Well, when I was a kid, 260 00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,563 we were playing with bottle rockets, 261 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,982 and one shot straight up my nose. 262 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:53,361 I permanently lost my sense of taste and smell. 263 00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:57,323 Okay, we've got cocktail weenies and Swedish meatballs. 264 00:10:57,406 --> 00:10:59,408 Selma, this wedding is spinning out of control. 265 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,910 Can we really afford it? 266 00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:02,787 I've already run through eight of the ten dollars 267 00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:04,330 they gave me when I left prison. 268 00:11:04,413 --> 00:11:06,582 Hey, relax. I told you I got money. 269 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,626 I bought stock in a mace company 270 00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:10,628 just before society crumbled. 271 00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,922 Selma, that's wonderful! 272 00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:14,298 I just hope people don't think 273 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:16,342 I'm marrying you for your money, 274 00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:19,804 instead of your... less tangible qualities. 275 00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:21,263 (slurps) 276 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:25,059 Tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Bob Terwilliger. 277 00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:26,394 Isn't it grand? 278 00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:29,647 Hey, Bob, give some of that honey this way. 279 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,441 Mmm... 280 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,901 Holy frijoles! 281 00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:35,236 We've got ten minutes till "MacGyver". 282 00:11:35,319 --> 00:11:36,696 Driver, here's a fin. 283 00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:37,905 Get me home, and don't spare the whip. 284 00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,073 Whatever you say, mum. 285 00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:40,574 (belches) 286 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:41,659 (door slams) 287 00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:42,743 What did I miss? 288 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:45,621 MacGyver was wearing a tank top. 289 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,248 Dang. 290 00:11:47,331 --> 00:11:48,791 Why, Selma, I thought I was the only man in your life. 291 00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,376 Sit down and shut up! 292 00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:52,211 MAN: Thank you, Señor MacGyver, 293 00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:53,713 you saved our village. 294 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,214 MACGYVER: Don't thank me. 295 00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:56,757 Thank the moon's gravitational pull. 296 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:03,222 That MacGyver's a genius. 297 00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:05,474 First of all, he's not a genius. 298 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,976 He's an actor. 299 00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:08,811 And second, he's not much of an actor. 300 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,063 You're lying. You're lying! 301 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,065 No, Selma, this is lying: 302 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,609 That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap 303 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:17,153 that never made me want to retch. 304 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:18,571 No! 305 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:19,864 (crying) 306 00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,992 (Selma sobbing) 307 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:25,119 He was so cruel. 308 00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:27,455 The things he said-- 309 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,582 They're just not true. 310 00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:31,459 There, there. 311 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:32,877 Oh, well, I guess the wedding's off. 312 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,795 Fiddle-dee-dee. Tomorrow's another day. 313 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,798 -Bart, stop that! -No, he's right. 314 00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,341 We're a package. 315 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,969 Love me, love "MacGyver". 316 00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:43,721 I guess the wedding's off. 317 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,224 Selma, I don't know what to say. 318 00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,769 Just tell me you like "MacGyver". 319 00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:51,937 Very well. I... 320 00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,856 I... 321 00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,232 I can't do it! 322 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,109 Even that car chase seemed tacked on. 323 00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:58,986 (sobbing) 324 00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:01,864 Oh, would you two knock it off? 325 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:03,783 I hate all the programs Marge likes, 326 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:05,117 but it's no big deal. 327 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,243 You know why? 328 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:07,244 -No. -Go on. 329 00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:08,579 Whenever Marge puts on 330 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:11,999 one of her nonviolent programs, I take a walk. 331 00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:14,210 I go to a bar, I pound a few, 332 00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:17,338 then I stumble home in the mood for love. 333 00:13:17,421 --> 00:13:18,964 Very well, Selma. 334 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,382 Whenever you watch "MacGyver," 335 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,426 I'll take a vigorous constitutional, 336 00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,970 and return more in love with you than ever. 337 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,680 Oh, Bob. 338 00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,350 Bart no like. Bad medicine. 339 00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:32,019 (organ playing "The Wedding March") 340 00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:34,522 I could have been the flower girl, 341 00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:36,315 and I wouldn't keep falling down either. 342 00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:38,651 Hey, they chose Maggie, okay? 343 00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,528 Yeah, well, if you want to go for cutesyness 344 00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:42,696 instead of competence, fine. 345 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,907 Do you, Bob, take Selma, 346 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:48,369 to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, 347 00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:49,954 till death do you part? 348 00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:52,957 (gruesome-voiced) I do. 349 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:53,999 (gasps) 350 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,418 (playing generic lounge music) 351 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:57,878 Mmm. 352 00:13:57,962 --> 00:13:58,838 Oh. 353 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,925 Hey, wiener boy. 354 00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,885 Where do you think you're going? 355 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,973 (munching and gobbling) 356 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,104 I'm the only single girl left in the family. 357 00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:21,026 Well, I guess it could be worse. 358 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,903 Oh, there's Krusty the Clown. 359 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,531 Krusty! Krusty, say something funny. 360 00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:27,116 Oh, gee, a joke, huh? 361 00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:30,119 Um... Uh... Funny... 362 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:32,329 Okay, this guy walks into a bar 363 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:35,291 and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist... 364 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:38,460 Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one. Oh-ho! 365 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,463 Dear friends, 41 years ago, 366 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:46,385 God took 168 pounds of clay, and he made me a woman, 367 00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:48,679 and for this, I thank him. 368 00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:50,139 I just wanted to say, 369 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:53,058 on the advice of my new husband, 370 00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,227 I've decided to give up smoking... 371 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,645 (cheering) 372 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,690 ...except for after meals and after "MacGyver". 373 00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:01,984 Why, Selma, dear, you'll bury us all. (chuckles) 374 00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:05,279 Chief Wiggum, you've been around. 375 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,323 You don't trust sideshow Bob, do you? 376 00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:09,283 Ah. Lighten up, son. 377 00:15:09,366 --> 00:15:11,201 If he was going to commit a crime, 378 00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:14,163 would he have invited the number-one cop in town? 379 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,123 Now, where did I put my gun? 380 00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:17,458 Oh, yeah. 381 00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:20,044 I set it down when I got a piece of cake. 382 00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:21,587 (cheering) 383 00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:25,090 I don't know what to say. 384 00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:27,801 Just tell me what you know I want to hear. 385 00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:31,096 I'm dying of jealousy. 386 00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,598 Thank you. 387 00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:35,351 (shouting farewells) 388 00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:37,353 That's right, dear. 389 00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:39,313 Enjoy your rest. 390 00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:41,565 The wedding was very tough on you, 391 00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:44,026 and the honeymoon is going to be... 392 00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,778 murder. 393 00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:48,697 (menacing laughter) 394 00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,713 Welcome to our video honeymoon. 395 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,591 We're using the video camera Cousin Doug gave us, 396 00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:10,594 and the video cassette Homer gave us. 397 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:14,139 Hey, and after we watch this, we can tape over it. (laughs) 398 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:18,352 There's Shelbyville Falls, rolling rock, 399 00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:20,729 and here's another breathtaking sight. 400 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,607 My brand-new hubby. 401 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,693 I wanted a room with a fireplace, 402 00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:26,944 you brainless luggage monkey! 403 00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:29,279 Like the one in your brochure! 404 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,073 Oh, Selma, dear. 405 00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:34,535 I was just chatting with my good friend... Dennis. 406 00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:36,787 Now, smile for the camera, that's a good lad. 407 00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:39,665 (metallic squeaking) 408 00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:41,792 Ah, fire. 409 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,336 Scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmallows, 410 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,797 eradicator of dead wood. 411 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,800 Oh, Selma, dear, you and your little camera. 412 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:52,261 What do you say we shut it off for a while? 413 00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,971 And make love? 414 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,057 I suppose so. 415 00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,476 MARGE: Oh, that's sweet. 416 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,022 Why would Sideshow Bob go so nuts over a fireplace? 417 00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:05,232 Because he wants his honeymoon 418 00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:06,650 to be romantic. 419 00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:08,902 Romantic? With Aunt Selma? 420 00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:10,863 I guess you're just too young to understand. 421 00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:12,698 Hmm. 422 00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:16,869 (Selma moaning) 423 00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:20,914 Bob, one of my fillings fell out. 424 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,917 Even murder has its ugly side. 425 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:27,212 Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet? 426 00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,423 (shuddering groan) 427 00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:32,051 Darling, you make it sound like a chore. 428 00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,387 Ooh... Oh... Good... Mmm... 429 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:36,638 Soon I will kill you. 430 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:37,639 Huh? 431 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:38,974 Son pieds sentit beau-- 432 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,809 French for "Her foot smells lovely." 433 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,269 Oh. 434 00:17:42,352 --> 00:17:43,979 Prepare to be murdered. 435 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,690 -Huh? -(speaking Sanskrit) 436 00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:50,319 That's... Sanskrit for "Your toes are like perfume." 437 00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:51,361 (laughs) 438 00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:53,906 -Voy a matar a usted. -Wha..? 439 00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,157 That's Spanish for 440 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,533 "I am going to kill you." 441 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:57,868 Say what? 442 00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:59,495 Why, dear, I do believe it's time 443 00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:01,038 for your beloved "MacGyver". 444 00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:02,372 -(alarm beeps) -Oh, hey, you're right. 445 00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:14,259 (metallic squeaking) 446 00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,553 -Well, time for my walk. -Mm. 447 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,056 Don't forget to die. 448 00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:20,766 Ding-dong. 449 00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:23,727 I was feeling kind of lonely without Selma. 450 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,896 Mind if I watch TV with you? 451 00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:28,524 Oh, go ahead, Patty. 452 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,859 Tonight, on "MacGyver"... 453 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:34,196 "MacGyver," "MacGyver," "MacGyver." 454 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,490 Aunt Selma has one hour to live. 455 00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:37,741 HOMER: Hey, down in front. 456 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:42,830 Goodbye. 457 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:47,084 (explosion) 458 00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:48,335 (screaming) 459 00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:53,632 Front desk, there's been a terrible accident in my room! 460 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,093 (glass crunching) 461 00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:02,015 Poor Selma. You were having such a lovely evening 462 00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,976 ♪ And then I went and spoiled it all ♪ 463 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:07,437 ♪ By doing something stupid like explode you ♪ 464 00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:09,606 Sideshow Bob, 465 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:10,983 I'm afraid the only victims here 466 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:13,443 are the good people at Best Western hotels. 467 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,778 Bart! 468 00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:16,738 Selma! 469 00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:17,906 Oh! 470 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,324 You tried to kill me. 471 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,076 I want a separation. 472 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,622 My best-laid plans have gang agley. 473 00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,124 Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail 474 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:28,917 for a two-time loser? 475 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,795 Well, no, frankly, but that never stopped us before. Ha! 476 00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:36,300 Bart, I must know, how did you untangle my web? 477 00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:37,759 Yeah, Bart, clue us in. 478 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,095 Well, I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town 479 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,597 how to do his job. 480 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,099 No, no, please, it's the only way I'll learn. 481 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,601 All right. 482 00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:46,935 Sideshow Bob seemed so desperate 483 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,188 to get that fireplace, but why? 484 00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:51,982 Then it hit me. The gas! 485 00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:54,860 Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak 486 00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:57,529 except Aunt Selma. 487 00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,574 SELMA: I permanently lost my sense of taste and smell. 488 00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:02,451 BART: She happily watched her "MacGyver," 489 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:03,994 unaware that her room 490 00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:06,205 was silently filling with natural gas. 491 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:07,664 All it needed to explode 492 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:11,877 was a single spark, say, from a cigarette. 493 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,296 SELMA: I've decided to give up smoking 494 00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:16,340 except for after meals and after "MacGyver". 495 00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:18,133 BART: Her only hope was a plucky young boy 496 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,052 and his slow-witted father. 497 00:20:20,135 --> 00:20:21,887 Dad, when Aunt Selma lights up her cigarette 498 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:23,096 at the end of "MacGyver," 499 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,932 she'll be blown to kingdom come. 500 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:25,724 Come again? 501 00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:29,603 After trying four times 502 00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,480 to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom, 503 00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:33,357 and we were on our way! 504 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,441 To the Simpson-mobile! 505 00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:37,152 (tires squealing) 506 00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:53,961 No! 507 00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,967 But wait, if you saved Selma, why did the room explode? 508 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:01,927 Oh, I'll field that one. 509 00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:04,096 Me and the boys were all celebrating a job well done, 510 00:21:04,179 --> 00:21:05,639 when I threw my match 511 00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:07,099 in the vicinity of the crime scene. 512 00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:11,687 Oh, right! The gas. 513 00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,605 I'll be back. You can't keep 514 00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,482 the Democrats out of the White House forever, 515 00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:17,901 and when they get in, I'm back on the streets 516 00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:19,611 with all my criminal buddies! 517 00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:22,072 (maniacal laughter) 518 00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:28,370 I feel like such a fool. 519 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:30,706 Well, he fooled almost everyone, 520 00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:34,459 but there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust. 521 00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:36,545 Thanks, Mom. 522 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:38,463 Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway 523 00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:40,507 before we all suffocate. 524 00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,801 (all laughing) 525 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:49,891 ♪♪ 526 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:52,412 Shh. 527 00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:58,085 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.