♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
♪♪ (suspenseful)
Ahh.
(rumbling)
Why, you little--!
♪♪ ("Raiders of the Lost Ark" theme)
What the--? D'oh!
(laughing)
(babbling)
Hey, Bart, look at this.
My dad took me to Circus of Values last night
and said I could get anything I wanted.
Cool-- An oversize novelty billiard ball.
Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future.
-Really? -Uh-huh.
Will I pass my English test?
"Outlook not so good."
Wow, it does work!
Let me try.
Will... I get beat up today?
"All signs point to yes."
That ball knows everything.
(grunts, groaning)
Hey, I got a good one.
Will Milhouse and I be friends
till we're toothless old men
with hair coming out of our ears?
"Don't count on it."
Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts
living off Uncle Sucker?
"It looks doubtful."
Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day?
(gasping)
What could come between two bestest buddies like us?
Samantha, I've always been suspicious
of transfer students.
Other principals try to unload problem cases that way.
Lord knows I do.
I'm a good student, Principal Skinner.
Yeah, sure, and they told me I'd get a big parade
when I got back from 'Nam.
Instead, they spat on me.
I can still feel it searing.
So, let's just see
what the permanent record has to say, shall we?
No detention, fairly good attendance record...
I see you beat that bed-wetting problem in the second grade.
That's in there?
Don't worry. They'll forget...
just like they forgot about me
in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months.
Every night I wake up screaming.
Well, let's meet your classmates.
Hey, Bart, was this thing right about your test?
To those who doubt the power of the magic eight ball
I say, behold my "F".
Attention, class.
I have a new student for you.
Great, another student.
Just keep packing them in, Seymour.
I think we should discuss this later, Edna.
Now, it's never easy to come to a new school,
so let's make her feel right at home.
Please say a big elementary school hello
to Samantha Stinky.
(kids laughing)
Stanky.
Oh, right.
How embarrassing for you.
Well, good-bye.
I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear.
-Uh-huh. -So, why don't you
stand up in front of the class and tell us about yourself?
I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.
We just moved here from Phoenix.
My dad's owns a home security company.
He came to Springfield because of its high crime rate
and lackluster police force.
All my friends are back in Phoenix
and this town has a weird smell that you're all probably used to
but I'm not.
It'll take you about six weeks, dear.
Hey, Milhouse, would you like a Wet Willie?
Sure.
Eww!
(laughing)
Victim number four.
Hey, Louis, can I interest you in a Wet Willie?
LOUIS: Sure... Aah!
When I find out who hit me with that ball
I'm gonna tear them a new--
Whoa!
Class, in order to explain why your hormones
will soon make you an easy target
for every smooth-talking lothario
with his own car and tight jeans,
I will now show a short sex education film.
Ezekiel and Ishmael,
in accordance with your parents' wishes
you may step out into the hall
and pray for our souls.
Hello. I'm actor Troy McClure.
You kids might remember me from such educational films
as "Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly"
and "Here Comes the Metric System."
I'm here to provide the facts about sex
in a frank and straightforward manner.
And now, here's...
This is Fuzzy Bunny.
About a year ago
he noticed his voice was changing,
he had terrible acne,
and had fur where there was no fur before.
He also noticed Fluffy Bunny.
Boring.
TROY MCCLURE: Fluffy and Fuzzy went to the park,
the ice cream social, the boat show,
and various other wholesome activities,
and they never ruined their fun
by giving in to their throbbing biological urges.
Then came the big day.
Fluffy and Fuzzy got married.
That night came the honeymoon.
♪♪ (funky, sexy jazz)
ALL: Eww!
She's faking it.
The most satisfying part of the night
was knowing that they waited.
Nine months later
Fluffy gave birth to 14 beautiful bunnies.
Eight survive.
And now that you know how it's done...
don't do it.
♪♪ (funky, sexy jazz)
-Any questions? -Mrs. Krabappel,
how come you don't live with Mr. Krabappel?
Because Mr. Krabappel
chased something small and fluffy down a rabbit hole.
How do we know when we fall in love?
Oh, don't you worry.
Most of you will never fall in love
and marry out of fear of dying alone.
How would I go about creating
a half man, half monkey-type creature?
I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
God, shmod-- I want my monkey man.
(bell ringing)
Uh... that's a nice dress.
My dad makes me wear it.
I hate it.
Well, I hate it too.
-Uh... can I walk you home? -Okay.
Everybody on.
No shoving.
Just kidding.
You can shove all you want.
Hey, wait, Otto man, you can't leave.
Milhouse isn't here yet.
Sorry, Bart dude, no time.
My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar
from 4:15 to 4:20.
Hey, Bart.
Milhouse, what a pleasant surprise.
Hi.
Hey, what's with the skirt?
I've brought friends to this tree house before.
Yeah, but never a girl.
What if I want to strut around nude?
Maybe I should go.
No, that's okay, you can stay.
You can read comics with us.
Let's see, something for the lady...
Ah-- "Radioactive Man vs. The Swamp Hag".
Got any girl comics
like "Bonnie Crane, Girl Attorney,"
"Punkin and Dunkin, the Twinkle Twins,"
or "Li'l Knee Socks"?
No, but my sister's got a wide selection
of crappy comics.
Eww!
You guys want to see something gross?
(gasping)
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Smartline:
"I'm okay. You're too fat."
Here's your host, Kent Brockman.
Good evening.
Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese?
Taken together that excess blubber
could fill the Grand Canyon two-fifths of the way up.
That may not sound impressive
but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon.
This sucks. Where's that channel changer?
(grunting)
Oh.
I'll give it a chance.
Americans have grown up
with the image of the jolly fat man--
Dom Deluise
Alfred Hitchcock, and, of course,
Santa Claus.
But in real life
Santa would be suffering from gall stones,
hypertension, impotence, and diabetes.
Hmm.
I wish they had never invented fried cheese.
We got to widen the hole.
Make it snappy-- The chain's starting to give.
(chain creaking)
(labored breathing)
WOMAN: We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef...
Ooh!
...and soak it in rich creamery butter.
Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg.
We call it The Good Morning burger.
(shuddering moan)
I've got to help him.
Okay, Milhouse,
I'll trade your Carl Yastrzemski baseball card
for my Omar Vzocel. Deal.
Next on the trading block, your Mickey Mantle, 1958,
for my picture of Homer on the couch.
Milhouse, I've got to go.
My dad thinks I'm having my braces examined.
Well, you kind of sort of are.
Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties.
I can't believe the risk you're running.
Besides, what's so great about kissing?
Bart, it's not just the kissing.
A lot of it is waiting to kiss.
You know, like when you open an Eskimo Pie
and you wait just a little bit for it to melt?
But she doesn't melt.
Oh, yes, she does.
WOMAN: We start with pure milk chocolate...
Chocolate...
...add a layer of farm-fresh honey...
Oh, sweet.
...then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar...
(ecstatic groan)
...and dip it in rich creamery butter.
Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight
without dieting or lifting a finger?
I'd say you're a lying scumbag.
Why, sweetie?
According to Eternity magazine
you can lose weight through subliminal learning.
That's where an idea is subtly implanted in your head
without you even knowing it.
Oh, Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.
They'll send you tapes you listen to
while you sleep.
As you hear new age music,
a powerful message goes to your brain
telling you to eat less.
Lose weight and listen to new age music? Wow.
What do you think, Marge?
Oh, Homer, I love you just the way you are.
Lisa, what's that number?
Operator, I'd like to place an order for my husband.
Would he like to lose weight, stop smoking,
learn the state capitals, master hostage negotiations...
Hmm... hostage negotiations.
Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands.
What do you say to that?
(machine gun fire)
Better give me the weight loss tape.
We're out of "Subliminally Slim."
MAN: Eh... just send them the vocabulary builder.
Here you go, fatso.
HOMER: So long, stomach.
We've had a lot of great memories.
♪ Memories ♪
♪ Pressed between the pages of my mind ♪
♪ Memories ♪
♪ Sweetened through the ages, just like wine ♪
(yawning)
(snoring)
Hello. This is Dr. Marvin Monroe.
Let's build your vocabulary. "A."
Abattoir: Slaughterhouse.
"The cow was slaughtered in the abattoir."
(Homer munching)
Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
Lamentably, no.
My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.
Don't you usually play with Milhouse after school?
He has a girlfriend.
Milhouse?
Yeah. All they do is kiss.
How cute.
They don't open their mouths, do they?
No.
How cute.
-Hey, Martin. -Bart?
This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me
since I successfully lobbied
to have the school day extended by 20 minutes.
Listen, Martin, right now I'm looking for a friend
who won't leave me for a girl.
That's me. I'm just as unpopular with the ladies
as I am with the chaps.
Yeah, right.
Anyway, do you wanna do something after school?
It's a date.
Everyone, Bart and I would like to announce
that we are friends.
(loud laughter)
Now, Bart, would you care to listen to me play the lute?
Uh... sure.
♪ Come home, my bonny warrior ♪
♪ For now ♪
♪ The nets are full o' fish ♪
MARGE: I don't know if that tape is working.
You ate three desserts tonight.
Forbearance is the watchword.
That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.
There's another thing I've been wanting to talk to you about.
Tut, tut, gentle Marge.
For here in the boudoir
the gourmand metamorphosizes into...
the voluptuary!
(growls)
What in God's name are you talking about?
Oh.
♪ The Itchy & Scratchy show! ♪
♪♪ ("Wedding March")
Mmm...
(screams)
(laughing)
Heh...
(laughing)
Hey, guys.
Wow, that really took my mind off
those awful, transforming space mutants.
Good.
Man, I could sure go for a snack.
Me too.
(screaming)
D'oh!
Hey, I've got an idea.
Why don't the three of us go spit on the principal's car?
Listen, Bart, there's such a thing
as spending too much time together.
Oh, fine.
I'm tired of watching you two lip wrestle.
There's plenty of other ways to be grossed out in this town.
(sobbing)
-Bart, wait. -Yeah?
Uh...
could we still use your tree house?
What? Get bent.
If her father catches us, he'll kill her.
All right, Milhouse.
You can use my tree house.
Thanks, Bart.
(singsongy) Samantha and Milhouse sitting in a tree,
about to lose their privacy.
(fiendish laughter)
(touch tones)
Now there's a Machiavellian countenance.
Ooh, a sextet of ale!
Hello, Mr. Stanky?
I have some shocking news about your daughter Samantha.
Who am I?
Let's just say I'm a concerned prude
with a lot of time on his hands.
(kissing sounds)
I bet you had peanut butter for breakfast.
(laughs)
Yeah.
-Samantha! -Dad!
Noooooo!
Samantha, you're my little girl
and sometimes my imagination runs away with me.
Just-- Just tell me what happened.
-Well, Milhouse and I-- -That's enough!
I'm putting you in an all-girl school.
You're never going to see that boy again.
Milhouse!
Samantha!
(weeping)
Well, Milhouse, 'tis better to have loved and lost...
yadda, yadda, yadda.
Let's go to the arcade.
How could this happen?
We started out like Romeo and Juliet
but it ended up in tragedy.
Hierospacy: Predicting the future
through the study of animal entrails.
Dad! Do you know what today is?
The vernal equinox?
No, it's two weeks
since you got that subliminal weight-loss tape.
Let's get you on the scale.
You've gained 13 pounds.
Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery--
A pox on them!
There stands a broken man.
It's recess everywhere but in his heart.
Hey, Bart, according to this magazine
in another million years
man will have an extra finger.
Five fingers? Ooh-- Freak show!
Listen, Lis, I need some advice and Mom's not here.
-Why didn't you go to Dad? -I did,
but I couldn't understand what the hell he was saying.
Lisa, I feel terrible.
I ratted on my best friend
and he doesn't even know I did it.
Well, according to Eternity magazine
the feeling of guilt has been linked
to the neural-transmitter gamephenomene.
Dow chemical is developing a minty gel
which will eliminate excess guilt,
but unfortunately it won't be on the market
for another six months,
so I guess you're gonna have to bite the bullet
and confess to Milhouse.
(groans)
Bart, I'm glad you're here.
Milhouse could use a friend like you.
(nervous laugh)
(sobbing)
Milhouse?
Bart, I didn't want you to see me cry.
Oh, come on.
I've seen you cry a million times.
You cry when you scrape your knee.
You cry when they're out of chocolate milk.
You cry when you're doing long division
and you have a remainder left over.
Well, I didn't want you to see me cry this time.
Listen, Milhouse, I got a confession to make.
I'm the one who narked on your kissing.
What?!
(growling)
(grunting)
Milhouse is out of bed and full of beans.
Whoa, it's a miracle!
(groans)
(both gasping)
Well, I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming.
Yeah.
Marge...
where's that...
metal dealie...
you use to...
dig... food?
You mean, a spoon?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
(loud chomping)
Oh, this is good.
(children laughing)
Are you sure you want to do this?
I can't stop thinking about her.
Even these gates remind me of her braces.
BART: How are we gonna find her?
MILHOUSE: She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper.
Milhouse!
Samantha!
I went to Circus of Values
and bought you a ten-gallon tub of gummi bears.
(grunts)
Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about
getting you thrown in the penguin house.
That's all right, Bart.
I love Saint Sebastian's.
It's run by a group of French Canadian nuns.
They're very nice except they never let me out.
♪♪ (singing "Dominique" in French)
Samantha, ne pas des boys.
(ringing)
I have to go now, Milhouse.
I'd better not.
It's 50 rosaries a kiss.
Oh, okay.
Oh, what the heck.
Bart, think I can ever find another one like her?
You're asking the wrong guy, Milhouse.
They all look alike to me.
Now, let's go whip donuts at old people.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.