1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:14,973 (chalk screeches) 3 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,394 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,525 (work whistle blows) 5 00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:30,905 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 6 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:43,334 (jazzy solo) 7 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,464 (tires screech) 8 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,180 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:58,641 --> 00:00:59,893 (horn honks) 10 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,270 (tires screech) 11 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482 D'oh! 12 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,734 -Aah! -(tires screech) 13 00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:28,505 {\an8}♪♪ (suspenseful) 14 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:36,971 {\an8}Ahh. 15 00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:41,226 (rumbling) 16 00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:43,186 Why, you little--! 17 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:47,232 ♪♪ ("Raiders of the Lost Ark" theme) 18 00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,658 What the--? D'oh! 19 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:10,755 (laughing) 20 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:19,848 {\an8}(babbling) 21 00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:22,100 {\an8}Hey, Bart, look at this. 22 00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:24,144 {\an8}My dad took me to Circus of Values last night 23 00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:26,563 {\an8}and said I could get anything I wanted. 24 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,774 {\an8}Cool-- An oversize novelty billiard ball. 25 00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:32,527 Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future. 26 00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,195 -Really? -Uh-huh. 27 00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:36,739 Will I pass my English test? 28 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,951 "Outlook not so good." 29 00:02:40,034 --> 00:02:41,870 Wow, it does work! 30 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:43,997 Let me try. 31 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,915 Will... I get beat up today? 32 00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:49,169 "All signs point to yes." 33 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,379 That ball knows everything. 34 00:02:51,462 --> 00:02:52,922 (grunts, groaning) 35 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,132 Hey, I got a good one. 36 00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:55,466 Will Milhouse and I be friends 37 00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:56,676 till we're toothless old men 38 00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:58,553 with hair coming out of our ears? 39 00:02:58,636 --> 00:03:00,638 "Don't count on it." 40 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:03,433 Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts 41 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,226 living off Uncle Sucker? 42 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:07,562 "It looks doubtful." 43 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,190 Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day? 44 00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:14,235 (gasping) 45 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,197 What could come between two bestest buddies like us? 46 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:21,201 Samantha, I've always been suspicious 47 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,911 of transfer students. 48 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:25,830 Other principals try to unload problem cases that way. 49 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,624 Lord knows I do. 50 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,292 I'm a good student, Principal Skinner. 51 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,211 Yeah, sure, and they told me I'd get a big parade 52 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,253 when I got back from 'Nam. 53 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:34,714 Instead, they spat on me. 54 00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,507 I can still feel it searing. 55 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,092 So, let's just see 56 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,178 what the permanent record has to say, shall we? 57 00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:44,057 No detention, fairly good attendance record... 58 00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:47,352 I see you beat that bed-wetting problem in the second grade. 59 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:48,728 That's in there? 60 00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:50,730 Don't worry. They'll forget... 61 00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:52,649 just like they forgot about me 62 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:56,110 in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months. 63 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:59,781 Every night I wake up screaming. 64 00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:01,366 Well, let's meet your classmates. 65 00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:06,454 Hey, Bart, was this thing right about your test? 66 00:04:06,537 --> 00:04:08,915 To those who doubt the power of the magic eight ball 67 00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:12,502 I say, behold my "F". 68 00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:13,753 Attention, class. 69 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,755 I have a new student for you. 70 00:04:15,838 --> 00:04:17,215 Great, another student. 71 00:04:17,298 --> 00:04:19,133 Just keep packing them in, Seymour. 72 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,219 I think we should discuss this later, Edna. 73 00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:23,763 Now, it's never easy to come to a new school, 74 00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:25,723 so let's make her feel right at home. 75 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,309 Please say a big elementary school hello 76 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,395 to Samantha Stinky. 77 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:32,355 (kids laughing) 78 00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:33,356 Stanky. 79 00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:34,524 Oh, right. 80 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:35,942 How embarrassing for you. 81 00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:37,652 Well, good-bye. 82 00:04:37,735 --> 00:04:40,446 I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear. 83 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,031 -Uh-huh. -So, why don't you 84 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,617 stand up in front of the class and tell us about yourself? 85 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:47,036 I'll be grading you on grammar and poise. 86 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,247 We just moved here from Phoenix. 87 00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,249 My dad's owns a home security company. 88 00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:53,584 He came to Springfield because of its high crime rate 89 00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:55,712 and lackluster police force. 90 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,839 All my friends are back in Phoenix 91 00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:01,551 and this town has a weird smell that you're all probably used to 92 00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:02,969 but I'm not. 93 00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,637 It'll take you about six weeks, dear. 94 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:07,598 Hey, Milhouse, would you like a Wet Willie? 95 00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:08,808 Sure. 96 00:05:10,059 --> 00:05:11,019 Eww! 97 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,020 (laughing) 98 00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:13,563 Victim number four. 99 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:16,441 Hey, Louis, can I interest you in a Wet Willie? 100 00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:19,110 LOUIS: Sure... Aah! 101 00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:25,533 When I find out who hit me with that ball 102 00:05:25,616 --> 00:05:27,535 I'm gonna tear them a new-- 103 00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,330 Whoa! 104 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:32,540 Class, in order to explain why your hormones 105 00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,334 will soon make you an easy target 106 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,586 for every smooth-talking lothario 107 00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:38,796 with his own car and tight jeans, 108 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,424 I will now show a short sex education film. 109 00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:42,925 Ezekiel and Ishmael, 110 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,886 in accordance with your parents' wishes 111 00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:46,220 you may step out into the hall 112 00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:47,221 and pray for our souls. 113 00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:53,019 Hello. I'm actor Troy McClure. 114 00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:56,481 You kids might remember me from such educational films 115 00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:59,025 as "Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly" 116 00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:01,319 and "Here Comes the Metric System." 117 00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:03,821 I'm here to provide the facts about sex 118 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:06,157 in a frank and straightforward manner. 119 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,200 And now, here's... 120 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,622 This is Fuzzy Bunny. 121 00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:13,915 About a year ago 122 00:06:13,998 --> 00:06:15,750 he noticed his voice was changing, 123 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:17,585 he had terrible acne, 124 00:06:17,668 --> 00:06:20,713 and had fur where there was no fur before. 125 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:23,508 He also noticed Fluffy Bunny. 126 00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:25,009 Boring. 127 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,723 TROY MCCLURE: Fluffy and Fuzzy went to the park, 128 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:33,142 the ice cream social, the boat show, 129 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,770 and various other wholesome activities, 130 00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,563 and they never ruined their fun 131 00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:41,609 by giving in to their throbbing biological urges. 132 00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:43,569 Then came the big day. 133 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,780 Fluffy and Fuzzy got married. 134 00:06:45,863 --> 00:06:48,324 That night came the honeymoon. 135 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,035 ♪♪ (funky, sexy jazz) 136 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,662 ALL: Eww! 137 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,247 She's faking it. 138 00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:57,208 The most satisfying part of the night 139 00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:58,251 was knowing that they waited. 140 00:06:58,334 --> 00:06:59,877 Nine months later 141 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,255 Fluffy gave birth to 14 beautiful bunnies. 142 00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:04,048 Eight survive. 143 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:06,426 And now that you know how it's done... 144 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,594 don't do it. 145 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,179 ♪♪ (funky, sexy jazz) 146 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,765 -Any questions? -Mrs. Krabappel, 147 00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,643 how come you don't live with Mr. Krabappel? 148 00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:17,311 Because Mr. Krabappel 149 00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,939 chased something small and fluffy down a rabbit hole. 150 00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:22,108 How do we know when we fall in love? 151 00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:23,526 Oh, don't you worry. 152 00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:25,820 Most of you will never fall in love 153 00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:28,489 and marry out of fear of dying alone. 154 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:30,158 How would I go about creating 155 00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:32,034 a half man, half monkey-type creature? 156 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:34,203 I'm sorry, that would be playing God. 157 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,539 God, shmod-- I want my monkey man. 158 00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:38,416 (bell ringing) 159 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:41,252 Uh... that's a nice dress. 160 00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:42,587 My dad makes me wear it. 161 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:43,671 I hate it. 162 00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:45,214 Well, I hate it too. 163 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,843 -Uh... can I walk you home? -Okay. 164 00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:49,969 Everybody on. 165 00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:51,053 No shoving. 166 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,180 Just kidding. 167 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:53,848 You can shove all you want. 168 00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:56,058 Hey, wait, Otto man, you can't leave. 169 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,518 Milhouse isn't here yet. 170 00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:59,604 Sorry, Bart dude, no time. 171 00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:02,273 My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar 172 00:08:02,356 --> 00:08:04,525 from 4:15 to 4:20. 173 00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:09,864 Hey, Bart. 174 00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:12,992 Milhouse, what a pleasant surprise. 175 00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:14,076 Hi. 176 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,661 Hey, what's with the skirt? 177 00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,289 I've brought friends to this tree house before. 178 00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:19,832 Yeah, but never a girl. 179 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,709 What if I want to strut around nude? 180 00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:23,294 Maybe I should go. 181 00:08:23,377 --> 00:08:25,129 No, that's okay, you can stay. 182 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,215 You can read comics with us. 183 00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:29,926 Let's see, something for the lady... 184 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:33,971 Ah-- "Radioactive Man vs. The Swamp Hag". 185 00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:35,473 Got any girl comics 186 00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:37,934 like "Bonnie Crane, Girl Attorney," 187 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,644 "Punkin and Dunkin, the Twinkle Twins," 188 00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:42,980 or "Li'l Knee Socks"? 189 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,775 No, but my sister's got a wide selection 190 00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:47,151 of crappy comics. 191 00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,739 Eww! 192 00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,783 You guys want to see something gross? 193 00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:58,579 (gasping) 194 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,462 ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Smartline: 195 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,714 "I'm okay. You're too fat." 196 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,008 Here's your host, Kent Brockman. 197 00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,885 Good evening. 198 00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,888 Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? 199 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,765 Taken together that excess blubber 200 00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:20,059 could fill the Grand Canyon two-fifths of the way up. 201 00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:21,519 That may not sound impressive 202 00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:24,188 but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon. 203 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:27,483 This sucks. Where's that channel changer? 204 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,278 (grunting) 205 00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:31,362 Oh. 206 00:09:31,445 --> 00:09:32,405 I'll give it a chance. 207 00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:33,906 Americans have grown up 208 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,783 with the image of the jolly fat man-- 209 00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,243 Dom Deluise 210 00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:39,036 Alfred Hitchcock, and, of course, 211 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,329 Santa Claus. 212 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,956 {\an8}But in real life 213 00:09:42,039 --> 00:09:43,666 {\an8}Santa would be suffering from gall stones, 214 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:46,294 {\an8}hypertension, impotence, and diabetes. 215 00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:54,218 Hmm. 216 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:05,521 I wish they had never invented fried cheese. 217 00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:08,983 We got to widen the hole. 218 00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:11,736 Make it snappy-- The chain's starting to give. 219 00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:12,903 (chain creaking) 220 00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:17,825 (labored breathing) 221 00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,369 WOMAN: We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef... 222 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,912 Ooh! 223 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,832 ...and soak it in rich creamery butter. 224 00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:29,503 Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. 225 00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:32,340 We call it The Good Morning burger. 226 00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,342 (shuddering moan) 227 00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,260 I've got to help him. 228 00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:39,930 Okay, Milhouse, 229 00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,807 I'll trade your Carl Yastrzemski baseball card 230 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:45,603 for my Omar Vzocel. Deal. 231 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,396 Next on the trading block, your Mickey Mantle, 1958, 232 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,441 for my picture of Homer on the couch. 233 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,319 Milhouse, I've got to go. 234 00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:56,322 My dad thinks I'm having my braces examined. 235 00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:59,408 Well, you kind of sort of are. 236 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:08,042 Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. 237 00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:10,044 I can't believe the risk you're running. 238 00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:12,588 Besides, what's so great about kissing? 239 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,340 Bart, it's not just the kissing. 240 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,759 A lot of it is waiting to kiss. 241 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,512 You know, like when you open an Eskimo Pie 242 00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:22,473 and you wait just a little bit for it to melt? 243 00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:23,933 But she doesn't melt. 244 00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:26,185 Oh, yes, she does. 245 00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:28,979 WOMAN: We start with pure milk chocolate... 246 00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:30,314 Chocolate... 247 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,775 ...add a layer of farm-fresh honey... 248 00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,777 Oh, sweet. 249 00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:37,988 ...then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar... 250 00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:39,949 (ecstatic groan) 251 00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:43,536 ...and dip it in rich creamery butter. 252 00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:46,080 Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight 253 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:48,958 without dieting or lifting a finger? 254 00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:50,543 I'd say you're a lying scumbag. 255 00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:51,752 Why, sweetie? 256 00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,713 According to Eternity magazine 257 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,006 you can lose weight through subliminal learning. 258 00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,718 That's where an idea is subtly implanted in your head 259 00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:00,511 without you even knowing it. 260 00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:02,972 Oh, Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter. 261 00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,682 They'll send you tapes you listen to 262 00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:05,933 while you sleep. 263 00:12:06,016 --> 00:12:07,393 As you hear new age music, 264 00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,603 a powerful message goes to your brain 265 00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:11,105 telling you to eat less. 266 00:12:11,188 --> 00:12:14,608 Lose weight and listen to new age music? Wow. 267 00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,360 What do you think, Marge? 268 00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:19,822 Oh, Homer, I love you just the way you are. 269 00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:21,615 Lisa, what's that number? 270 00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:24,577 Operator, I'd like to place an order for my husband. 271 00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:26,912 Would he like to lose weight, stop smoking, 272 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:30,541 learn the state capitals, master hostage negotiations... 273 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:33,961 Hmm... hostage negotiations. 274 00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:37,923 Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands. 275 00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,717 What do you say to that? 276 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,802 (machine gun fire) 277 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,471 Better give me the weight loss tape. 278 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,853 We're out of "Subliminally Slim." 279 00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:54,607 MAN: Eh... just send them the vocabulary builder. 280 00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:56,358 Here you go, fatso. 281 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,360 HOMER: So long, stomach. 282 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,946 We've had a lot of great memories. 283 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,407 ♪ Memories ♪ 284 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:08,287 ♪ Pressed between the pages of my mind ♪ 285 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,418 ♪ Memories ♪ 286 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:19,340 ♪ Sweetened through the ages, just like wine ♪ 287 00:13:19,423 --> 00:13:21,509 (yawning) 288 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:24,637 (snoring) 289 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,473 Hello. This is Dr. Marvin Monroe. 290 00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,517 Let's build your vocabulary. "A." 291 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,393 Abattoir: Slaughterhouse. 292 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,979 "The cow was slaughtered in the abattoir." 293 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:39,276 (Homer munching) 294 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,196 Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? 295 00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,489 Lamentably, no. 296 00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:46,325 My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety. 297 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,999 Don't you usually play with Milhouse after school? 298 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,459 He has a girlfriend. 299 00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,878 Milhouse? 300 00:13:57,962 --> 00:13:59,713 Yeah. All they do is kiss. 301 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:03,008 How cute. 302 00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:04,009 They don't open their mouths, do they? 303 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,010 No. 304 00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:06,220 How cute. 305 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,689 -Hey, Martin. -Bart? 306 00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:19,316 This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me 307 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,860 since I successfully lobbied 308 00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:23,612 to have the school day extended by 20 minutes. 309 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,114 Listen, Martin, right now I'm looking for a friend 310 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,949 who won't leave me for a girl. 311 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,577 That's me. I'm just as unpopular with the ladies 312 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,495 as I am with the chaps. 313 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,913 Yeah, right. 314 00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,498 Anyway, do you wanna do something after school? 315 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:35,958 It's a date. 316 00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:38,794 Everyone, Bart and I would like to announce 317 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,170 that we are friends. 318 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,839 (loud laughter) 319 00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:46,677 Now, Bart, would you care to listen to me play the lute? 320 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,345 Uh... sure. 321 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:54,476 ♪ Come home, my bonny warrior ♪ 322 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,980 ♪ For now ♪ 323 00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:01,734 ♪ The nets are full o' fish ♪ 324 00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,527 MARGE: I don't know if that tape is working. 325 00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:05,487 You ate three desserts tonight. 326 00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,489 Forbearance is the watchword. 327 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:10,784 That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve. 328 00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,704 There's another thing I've been wanting to talk to you about. 329 00:15:13,787 --> 00:15:15,289 Tut, tut, gentle Marge. 330 00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:16,540 For here in the boudoir 331 00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:18,709 the gourmand metamorphosizes into... 332 00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:20,169 the voluptuary! 333 00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:22,713 (growls) 334 00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:25,883 What in God's name are you talking about? 335 00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:27,176 Oh. 336 00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:31,430 ♪ The Itchy & Scratchy show! ♪ 337 00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:36,435 ♪♪ ("Wedding March") 338 00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:38,228 Mmm... 339 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:39,605 (screams) 340 00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:45,611 (laughing) 341 00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:47,529 Heh... 342 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:48,530 (laughing) 343 00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:54,328 Hey, guys. 344 00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:55,996 Wow, that really took my mind off 345 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,915 those awful, transforming space mutants. 346 00:15:57,998 --> 00:15:59,166 Good. 347 00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:01,001 Man, I could sure go for a snack. 348 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,002 Me too. 349 00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,006 (screaming) 350 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:10,970 D'oh! 351 00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:13,263 Hey, I've got an idea. 352 00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:16,517 Why don't the three of us go spit on the principal's car? 353 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,311 Listen, Bart, there's such a thing 354 00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:21,730 as spending too much time together. 355 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,357 Oh, fine. 356 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,526 I'm tired of watching you two lip wrestle. 357 00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:28,445 There's plenty of other ways to be grossed out in this town. 358 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,950 (sobbing) 359 00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:34,159 -Bart, wait. -Yeah? 360 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,452 Uh... 361 00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,079 could we still use your tree house? 362 00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,956 What? Get bent. 363 00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:41,834 If her father catches us, he'll kill her. 364 00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:43,544 All right, Milhouse. 365 00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:45,170 {\an8}You can use my tree house. 366 00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,089 Thanks, Bart. 367 00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:50,426 (singsongy) Samantha and Milhouse sitting in a tree, 368 00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:53,429 about to lose their privacy. 369 00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:55,389 (fiendish laughter) 370 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,437 (touch tones) 371 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,981 Now there's a Machiavellian countenance. 372 00:17:04,064 --> 00:17:06,483 Ooh, a sextet of ale! 373 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,069 Hello, Mr. Stanky? 374 00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:11,071 I have some shocking news about your daughter Samantha. 375 00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:12,948 Who am I? 376 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,783 Let's just say I'm a concerned prude 377 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,994 with a lot of time on his hands. 378 00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:19,204 (kissing sounds) 379 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:22,458 I bet you had peanut butter for breakfast. 380 00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:23,751 (laughs) 381 00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,419 Yeah. 382 00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:26,754 -Samantha! -Dad! 383 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,339 Noooooo! 384 00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:32,301 Samantha, you're my little girl 385 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:34,553 and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. 386 00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:36,555 Just-- Just tell me what happened. 387 00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:38,557 -Well, Milhouse and I-- -That's enough! 388 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,143 I'm putting you in an all-girl school. 389 00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,812 You're never going to see that boy again. 390 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,064 Milhouse! 391 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:46,940 Samantha! 392 00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:50,444 (weeping) 393 00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:52,404 Well, Milhouse, 'tis better to have loved and lost... 394 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:53,655 yadda, yadda, yadda. 395 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,074 Let's go to the arcade. 396 00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,492 How could this happen? 397 00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:58,577 We started out like Romeo and Juliet 398 00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,413 but it ended up in tragedy. 399 00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,083 Hierospacy: Predicting the future 400 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,502 through the study of animal entrails. 401 00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:08,629 Dad! Do you know what today is? 402 00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:09,880 The vernal equinox? 403 00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:11,256 No, it's two weeks 404 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,217 since you got that subliminal weight-loss tape. 405 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:14,885 Let's get you on the scale. 406 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:18,806 You've gained 13 pounds. 407 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:22,851 Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery-- 408 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,561 A pox on them! 409 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,233 There stands a broken man. 410 00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:31,693 It's recess everywhere but in his heart. 411 00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:34,488 Hey, Bart, according to this magazine 412 00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:36,031 in another million years 413 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,825 man will have an extra finger. 414 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,327 Five fingers? Ooh-- Freak show! 415 00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:43,205 Listen, Lis, I need some advice and Mom's not here. 416 00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:45,040 -Why didn't you go to Dad? -I did, 417 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,375 but I couldn't understand what the hell he was saying. 418 00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:47,835 Lisa, I feel terrible. 419 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,670 I ratted on my best friend 420 00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:51,463 and he doesn't even know I did it. 421 00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:54,049 Well, according to Eternity magazine 422 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,467 the feeling of guilt has been linked 423 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,636 to the neural-transmitter gamephenomene. 424 00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:59,263 Dow chemical is developing a minty gel 425 00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:01,265 which will eliminate excess guilt, 426 00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,766 but unfortunately it won't be on the market 427 00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,434 for another six months, 428 00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:06,353 so I guess you're gonna have to bite the bullet 429 00:19:06,436 --> 00:19:08,272 and confess to Milhouse. 430 00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,065 (groans) 431 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,109 Bart, I'm glad you're here. 432 00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:14,403 Milhouse could use a friend like you. 433 00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,822 (nervous laugh) 434 00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:18,240 (sobbing) 435 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,700 Milhouse? 436 00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:22,161 Bart, I didn't want you to see me cry. 437 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,370 Oh, come on. 438 00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:24,538 I've seen you cry a million times. 439 00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:26,081 You cry when you scrape your knee. 440 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,875 You cry when they're out of chocolate milk. 441 00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,293 You cry when you're doing long division 442 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:30,794 and you have a remainder left over. 443 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:34,590 Well, I didn't want you to see me cry this time. 444 00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:37,092 Listen, Milhouse, I got a confession to make. 445 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,678 I'm the one who narked on your kissing. 446 00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:40,804 What?! 447 00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,014 (growling) 448 00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:43,974 (grunting) 449 00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:48,645 Milhouse is out of bed and full of beans. 450 00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,397 Whoa, it's a miracle! 451 00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:00,824 (groans) 452 00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:03,952 (both gasping) 453 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,288 Well, I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming. 454 00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:07,956 Yeah. 455 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,917 Marge... 456 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,251 where's that... 457 00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,419 metal dealie... 458 00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:14,046 you use to... 459 00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:16,757 dig... food? 460 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:17,883 You mean, a spoon? 461 00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:19,593 Yeah, yeah, yeah! 462 00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:21,553 (loud chomping) 463 00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:22,596 Oh, this is good. 464 00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:25,390 (children laughing) 465 00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:27,809 Are you sure you want to do this? 466 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,978 I can't stop thinking about her. 467 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,814 Even these gates remind me of her braces. 468 00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:35,025 BART: How are we gonna find her? 469 00:20:35,108 --> 00:20:37,277 MILHOUSE: She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper. 470 00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:38,654 Milhouse! 471 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:39,988 Samantha! 472 00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:44,284 I went to Circus of Values 473 00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:46,203 and bought you a ten-gallon tub of gummi bears. 474 00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:47,537 (grunts) 475 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:49,248 Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about 476 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,083 getting you thrown in the penguin house. 477 00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:52,334 That's all right, Bart. 478 00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:53,961 I love Saint Sebastian's. 479 00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,797 It's run by a group of French Canadian nuns. 480 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,633 They're very nice except they never let me out. 481 00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:06,265 ♪♪ (singing "Dominique" in French) 482 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:09,184 Samantha, ne pas des boys. 483 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,436 (ringing) 484 00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,190 I have to go now, Milhouse. 485 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:17,985 I'd better not. 486 00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:19,695 It's 50 rosaries a kiss. 487 00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,738 Oh, okay. 488 00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:23,573 Oh, what the heck. 489 00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:31,748 Bart, think I can ever find another one like her? 490 00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:33,333 You're asking the wrong guy, Milhouse. 491 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,502 They all look alike to me. 492 00:21:35,585 --> 00:21:37,587 Now, let's go whip donuts at old people. 493 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:49,266 ♪♪ 494 00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,661 Shh! 495 00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:58,168 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.