1 00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:05,239 (high-pitched, strummed chords) 2 00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:08,276 (stringed instruments playing The Simpsons theme song) 3 00:00:11,079 --> 00:00:12,813 (grunts, gasps) 4 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,482 Huh? 5 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:17,017 -(Bob's Burgers theme song playing) -Huh? 6 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:19,553 (screams) 7 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,522 (frantic grunting) 8 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:22,856 Rats! 9 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,326 (screams) 10 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,061 -(whimpering) -(Bob's Burgers theme fades) 11 00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:30,064 -Hey, is there someone in the restaurant? -Oh, yeah. 12 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,766 -Aw, he looks scared. -Can we keep him? Can we keep him? 13 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:33,901 -(Homer grunts) -BOB: No. 14 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:35,669 We'll name him Bob Number One. 15 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,771 And, Dad, you can just go by Bob Number Two, 16 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,440 -or maybe no name at all. -(Homer whimpering) 17 00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,609 Wait. Why would I be Bob Number Two or no name? 18 00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:43,611 -I am Bob. -Well, yeah, but this is Bob, 19 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,546 so now we're, like, Bob and Bob. 20 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,748 -I don't like it. -You can't just name a guy Bob. 21 00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:50,418 -Yeah, you can. Somebody did it to you. -That's true. 22 00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,753 Bob Number Two is throwing out some major 'tude right now. 23 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,888 -Isn't he, though? -Yeah, lose the 'tude. 24 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,758 -BOB: It is kind of nice to have someone in the restaurant. -GENE: Yeah. 25 00:00:57,791 --> 00:00:59,527 -What's he doing? -If he's robbing us, 26 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,061 I feel sorry for him. 27 00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:03,397 No. Don't say that. We're fun to rob. 28 00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:05,366 Maybe he's just looking for the bathroom. 29 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:06,600 You're overthinking it, bro! 30 00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,702 Just go anywhere! I'll clean it up! 31 00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:10,538 (chuckles) No way. 32 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,573 * 33 00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:21,582 HEAVENLY CHOIR: * The Simpsons 34 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:25,286 MALE VOICE: * In Heaven! 35 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,289 GOD: Where is everybody? 36 00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:31,159 Didn't we just build a whole new mixed-use complex 37 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,760 for the baby boomers? 38 00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,728 Ugh. 39 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,930 (dramatic piano music plays) 40 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:39,133 I'm just following the admissions criteria. 41 00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:41,235 Can't we just tweak them a bit? 42 00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:43,604 It's easier to get in to Upper West Side preschools. 43 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:46,307 All we're getting up here are little old ladies 44 00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:48,809 and Promise Keepers. 45 00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,778 Have you accepted the Lord? 46 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,913 I'm here, dimwit. 47 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,815 Frankly, those guys weird me out. 48 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,785 We have interesting people. Look, Tracy Morgan's here. 49 00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,787 Tracy, what are you doing here? 50 00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,656 -You're all better. -Nobody tells me these things! 51 00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:05,859 (halo clanging) 52 00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:12,433 -You gonna stop that? -Eh, it'll stop on its own. 53 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,668 We've got to get more people in here. 54 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:17,805 Ned Flanders is about to talk about that very topic. 55 00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:22,810 Do the people my daddy shoots go to Heaven? 56 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,778 They do if they haven't done anything wrong. 57 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,280 So, a lot of them, yes. 58 00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:29,583 Come on, kids, think about it. Why do people get into Heaven? 59 00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:32,653 * Heaven 60 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:35,155 * I'm in heaven 61 00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:40,027 * And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak... * 62 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,029 (gasps) Clayton Kersh... 63 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:43,797 -(grunts) -* I seem to find 64 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,834 * The happiness I seek 65 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:51,772 * When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek * 66 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,043 * Heaven 67 00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:59,079 * I'm in heaven 68 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:01,749 * And the cares that hung around me * 69 00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:06,287 * Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak * 70 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,491 * When we're out together 71 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,126 -(sighs) -* Dancing cheek to cheek. 72 00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:17,765 Well, nobody said Sunday school kids were geniuses. 73 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:20,568 Kids, there's only one way into Heaven. 74 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:23,103 Never stray from the path of righteousness. 75 00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:24,538 Easy for you to say. 76 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:27,408 With a mustache like that, you're an obvious narc. 77 00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,677 The truth is, this mustache is a memento 78 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,712 of the awful sinner I used to be. 79 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:35,349 I was raised with no religion. Our house was a den of bebop. 80 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:37,385 (cool jazz music playing) 81 00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:46,093 Neddy, you're coloring inside the lines. 82 00:03:46,126 --> 00:03:48,128 Rules are for fools, man! 83 00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,697 That's right, baby. 84 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,799 Be free! Be free! 85 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:54,468 Go off the page. Write on the wall. 86 00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,203 Color a cloud purple. 87 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:59,373 Jack and Jill are on the pill, man! 88 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,309 FLANDERS: Godless and Maudeless, 89 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,977 each job I took became more depraved. 90 00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,713 -* Dead end * -* Why we should be 91 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,282 -* On dead end street -* Dead end * 92 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,217 * People are living on dead end street * 93 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,785 * Dead end * 94 00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:14,755 * I'm gonna die on dead end street * 95 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,290 * Dead end street 96 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:17,725 -* Yeah * -* Dead end street 97 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,759 * Yeah * 98 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:19,927 * Dead end street. 99 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,296 Finally, I became one of the most iniquitous men 100 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:25,766 that ever blew a wrapper off a straw: door-to-door salesmen. 101 00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,768 Now, here's how I move these Karpet Kings. 102 00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:31,739 I make my pitch, then I start crying, bawling like a baby. 103 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:35,409 The trick is I'm secretly clinically depressed. 104 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:37,077 -(both laugh) -Haven't thought of that. 105 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,279 Not bad. 106 00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,349 Slices of pie all around, Mabel! 107 00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,684 So, rookie, your first day. 108 00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:46,286 What do they have you pushing, water beds? 109 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,088 Well, I am reaching for the stars 110 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,691 with Vertebreaker trampolines! 111 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,626 (laughter) 112 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,629 -What's so funny? -They got you slingin' springs! 113 00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,297 The kid's a hop jockey. 114 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,699 Don't worry, you'll be fine. 115 00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:01,602 I know someone who sold two of those tot tossers. 116 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,104 In his whole career! (laughs) 117 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,139 (laughter) 118 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:08,642 FLANDERS: What those door-to-door ding-dongs 119 00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:11,111 didn't count on was a little extracurricular activity 120 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,880 during Apollo 14. 121 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,282 -(radio static crackling) -ASTRONAUT: Whee! 122 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,884 Over. 123 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,552 Whee! Over. 124 00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:20,554 FLANDERS: America caught bounce fever. 125 00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,556 Trampolines were just what people were looking for 126 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:26,326 to forget the long quagmire that was Gunsmoke. 127 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,529 * 128 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,970 Before I knew it, I was the king of springs. 129 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:40,007 But after spring comes the fall. 130 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,543 Mabel! A slice of pie for all my friends! 131 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,645 Better yet, leave the tin. 132 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,380 -Well! -Well, how about that! 133 00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:48,215 Big man, are ya? Real big man. 134 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,818 Well, big man, I got a headline for ya. 135 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,721 They just found out those things are a death trap. 136 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:55,523 Oh, sure, there's broken bones, concussions, 137 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,725 the occasional kid who goes up and never comes down, 138 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,760 but I wouldn't call them a death trap. 139 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:02,095 I mean electrocution, smart guy. 140 00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:04,398 Those little angel makers you've been slingin' 141 00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:07,334 generate static electricity with every bounce. 142 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,671 The mats are made of birthday balloon rubber and cat hair. 143 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:14,842 If you get to 500 bounces, zappo! French-fried kid. 144 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,277 (gasps) I've put innocent lives in danger. 145 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,947 And my sales pitch strongly implied that wouldn't happen. 146 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,615 Eh, that's the game we're in. 147 00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:25,619 If you don't like death, get out of children's toys. 148 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:29,790 FLANDERS: I've got to stop him! 149 00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:32,793 401... 402... 150 00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,895 -(camera clicking) -Wow! I knew he could bounce, 151 00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:37,264 but I had no idea he could count. 152 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:42,803 YOUNG HOMER (over radio): 412... 413... 153 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,605 Oh, the brake pedal won't go down! 154 00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:48,509 Why did I get these super shag floor mats? Why?! 155 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,813 (groans) 156 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:54,948 -495... -(electricity crackling) 157 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:58,051 496... 158 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,921 497... 498... 159 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:05,493 (slow, distorted): 499... 160 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,160 (gasps) 161 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,634 (electricity crackling) 162 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,641 -(thunder rumbling) -(groaning) 163 00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,810 (groans) 164 00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,012 -Jesus. -'Sup? 165 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,814 Lord? Why am I here? 166 00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:28,749 Uh, Ned Flanders, you have been a sinner, 167 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,084 but you have taken the first step on the road to redemption, 168 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,353 and if you accept the word of the Lord-- that's me-- 169 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:35,923 I shall return you to Earth to carry forth my word of hope. 170 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,457 And, uh, like that. 171 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,693 Jimi Hendrix is here for your guitar lesson. 172 00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:42,462 Hey, man. You been practicing what I told you? 173 00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:44,498 Uh, yeah, uh, I meant to, 174 00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:47,467 but, uh, I lost the pick in the hole. 175 00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,469 -Of the guitar? -Oh. I wish. 176 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,774 I don't care, baby. Jimi gets paid either way. 177 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,043 (electric guitar riff plays) 178 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,612 (Flanders groans) 179 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:00,648 Praise the Lord, I am reborn! 180 00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,049 (others gasp) 181 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,217 It's a miracle! He recovered without help! 182 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,620 In retrospect, I should have tried CPR. 183 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:08,221 Well, I'm a believer. 184 00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:11,559 Come on, fellas, let's go spread the good word. 185 00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:13,894 God is alive! 186 00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,963 Anyone need a vacuum? 187 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,965 FLANDERS: God gave me a second chance, 188 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,668 and as a sign of his mercy, he permanently scarred 189 00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,803 my beautiful, beautiful philtrum. 190 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,805 KIDS: Whoa! 191 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:28,041 And that's why I'm wearing this mustache till I'm just ash. 192 00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:30,177 It wasn't till God seriously deformed me 193 00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,713 that I fully understood his love. 194 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:35,649 GOD: So, Ned Flanders gets into Heaven. 195 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:38,385 It'll be interesting to see which wife he goes with. 196 00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,253 GOD: Eh, either way, it'll be tough sledding. 197 00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,694 Well, you know, Lord, if you want more people here, 198 00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,028 there's a category you're not considering. 199 00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,830 GOD: People who bring their dogs on planes 200 00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,732 and say they're therapy pets? 201 00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,266 I can hear you. 202 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,403 Oh, and nice to meet you, finally. 203 00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:58,405 So, you made me in your image. 204 00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,908 (chuckles): Well, it's like looking in a mirror. 205 00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:03,076 -Not! -Who did that? 206 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:06,446 -It wasn't me. -Oh, you traitor! 207 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:08,582 Actually, I'm talking about people 208 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:11,084 who don't believe in God but are still righteous. 209 00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:13,086 I'm talking about atheists, Lord. 210 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,554 Atheists? 211 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,790 (scoffs) I refuse to believe they exist. 212 00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:20,060 Well, they do. Maybe they deserve a place here, too. 213 00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,963 I'd like to talk about someone who should be in Heaven: 214 00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,564 my grandmother. 215 00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:27,801 My grandmother's 36, and she's got eight grandchildren. 216 00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,402 Strong woman. 217 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,639 My grandmother was an atheist. 218 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,907 (gasps) I'll just flip this. 219 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,044 Her name was Genevieve. 220 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,312 She lived in occupied France 221 00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,782 in the darkest days of World War Two. 222 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:44,918 And she no longer believed in God. 223 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:47,921 * He's in the afterlife, punishing heavily * 224 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:51,058 * He's the boogie woogie Christian God of John 3:16 * 225 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,593 * A root, a toot, just don't eat his fruit * 226 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,663 * He was born in a barn 227 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,631 * He loved religion. 228 00:09:57,665 --> 00:10:01,234 (French accent): How could a god allow this awful war to happen? 229 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,671 GOD: I stopped a thousand wars that would've been worse. 230 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:06,173 Nobody ever talks about that. 231 00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:10,610 MARGE: Perhaps her mélancolie came from her marriage 232 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:15,182 to the village's most notorious Nazi collaborator. 233 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,817 Bonjour, bonjour, Commandant! 234 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:20,788 And may I say, you put the "ja" in "jawohl!" (chuckles) 235 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:23,256 Ah, my dear wife. I'm just here collaborating, 236 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,925 mixing in a little treason. 237 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,694 You know, stuff that'll look really bad 238 00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,662 in a documentary if we lose. 239 00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:31,932 Now, with business booming, you can no longer deny your husband 240 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,135 the sweet fruits of marriage. (chuckles) 241 00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,137 Mmm, oh, yeah, yeah. 242 00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:38,806 I'm hooked. Mmm. 243 00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:42,375 Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. 244 00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:46,446 Kissing with your eyes closed never goes awry. Ever. 245 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:50,718 Why did I marry the model for the town gargoyle? Ugh! 246 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:55,288 -(gasping) -MAN: Quiet. 247 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,725 Qui est là? Qui! Qui! 248 00:10:57,758 --> 00:11:00,027 We're U.S. paratroops. 249 00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,695 We've been roaming the countryside 250 00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:03,731 disguised as French farmers. 251 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,333 You must leave now. My husband is a collaborator. 252 00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:07,634 Well, I've got a screenplay 253 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,737 I've been looking for someone to help me write. 254 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,071 Not that kind. 255 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,540 If he just gets something on the page, that's progress. 256 00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,342 (door opens, footsteps descending stairs) 257 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:16,810 Germans. 258 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:19,713 We're cooked. Worse than the Cubs in the '32 Series. 259 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:22,883 I'm not a sports guy. Do you have an art metaphor? 260 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:25,252 We'll be chopped up worse than a Picasso nude! 261 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,955 Now my alarm is palpable! 262 00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:32,159 What are you gonna do, help us or turn us in? 263 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:36,329 Because I don't believe there is a God above, 264 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:39,733 we must make our own Heaven down below. 265 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:40,768 SOLDIERS: Ah! 266 00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,603 Hurry now! 267 00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:46,206 -Do we get tips? -Not in Europe. 268 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,641 Damn it. Now I know what we're fighting for. 269 00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:53,914 Quoi?! 270 00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:57,250 (French accent): Ooh-la-la! Dinner is served. 271 00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:58,852 (German accent): What an odd accent. 272 00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,420 Are you really French? 273 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:02,089 (normal voice): Stinking customers! 274 00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,191 You can't ask me personal questions. 275 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,759 (spits dramatically) 276 00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:07,795 Ah, you are French. 277 00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:18,772 (groans) American fool. They'll see right through you. 278 00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:20,640 You don't know the first thing 279 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,409 about world-class dinner service. 280 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,978 Now listen here. I know we may not look like much, 281 00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:27,580 but when a fish knife needs to be placed just so, 282 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,082 they're the mugs you want. 283 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:31,151 I am your, um, uh... 284 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,653 How do you say "sommelier" in French? 285 00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,222 (phone ringing) 286 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,957 Café Meaux. Meaux speaking. 287 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:39,226 BART (French accent): I'd like to speak to Monsieur Pants, 288 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,294 -first name Pierre. -Un moment. 289 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:44,597 Pierre Pants? Pierre Pants?! 290 00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:47,734 Oh, come on, anyone in this joint Pee Your Pants? 291 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,636 (laughter) 292 00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:51,771 -Heil humor! -(laughs) 293 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:53,673 Laughing is for Germans only. 294 00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:54,975 Ow! 295 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:59,012 Now, precisely what part of France are you from? 296 00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,747 Eh... Normandy beach. 297 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,349 You know, where the invasion's coming. 298 00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:05,785 (gasps) We must warn our Panzers! 299 00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:08,488 We got to stop 'em, but how? 300 00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:12,725 Don't ask me. I believe in nothing, except my country. 301 00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:18,866 * Allons enfants de la patrie * 302 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:23,503 * Le jour de gloire est arrivé 303 00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:26,773 * Contre nous de la tyrannie 304 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,643 * L'étendard sanglant est levé 305 00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:34,814 * Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras * 306 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:39,887 * Egorger nos fils, nos compagnes... * 307 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,821 Come with me, fraulein, 308 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:44,557 and everything will be Nietzsche keen. 309 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,326 (crowd gasps) 310 00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,696 You can drink our beer, you can take our gold, 311 00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:51,231 you can take my wife. 312 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,832 No, you can't! 313 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,703 Oh. Well, the marriage counselor said 314 00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:59,206 we should try to find a common interest, so, uh... 315 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:06,679 * Non, rien de rien 316 00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:12,152 * Non, je ne regrette rien 317 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,354 * Ni le bien. 318 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,656 (men scream) 319 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,927 Oh, Meaux, I am so sorry I ever made you kiss a fish. 320 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,661 That was a fish? 321 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,030 But this isn't. 322 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,665 Mmm. 323 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,667 There's more in the bedroom. 324 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,036 We have a bedroom? 325 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:32,372 Mmm, mmm, mmm. 326 00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:36,409 So, it goes to show atheists can do great things, too. 327 00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:38,411 GOD: All right, I agree. 328 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:41,714 We will open Heaven to the deserving atheists. 329 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:44,384 And if you let them in, there are a few mistakes 330 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,053 I'd recommend getting rid of. 331 00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,854 Christopher Columbus. 332 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,457 (Italian accent): Hey, what are you two talking about? 333 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,192 Nothing. What are you doing here? 334 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:55,028 I was looking for a quicker route to the bathroom, 335 00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,663 and I got lost. 336 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,270 -GOD: Oh, it's him. -Hey, dudes. 337 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,038 Who wants to rub my belly? 338 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,240 (God and Saint Peter groan) 339 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,977 Now, why don't you consider other faiths for your Heaven? 340 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,712 Like, oh-- I don't know-- the way of the Buddha? 341 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:16,049 I say no shirt, no shoes, no salvation. 342 00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:19,119 I say we have Lisa Simpson. 343 00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,788 Well, there is redemption, and there are good works. 344 00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:23,723 But there is another path. 345 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,627 A path to enlightenment without ego or possessions. 346 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,596 I don't know. Jesus is pretty fond 347 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:32,065 of that plus sign he's always carrying around. 348 00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:34,001 Let me share the Buddhist path to Heaven 349 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,003 with an enlightened tale I call 350 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,738 "The Princess Not Affiliated With Disney." 351 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,840 Unless we are now owned by Disney. 352 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,909 In the sixth century B.C., 353 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,911 or zero in the Buddhist calendar... 354 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,414 FLANDERS: Oh, you have your own calendar. 355 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,449 What's today, the fifth of Bibbity-boo? 356 00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:52,519 LISA: ...zero in the Buddhist calendar, 357 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:55,822 lived the spoiled Princess Siddmartha. 358 00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:59,292 Siddmartha, sweetie, look what we got you. 359 00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:01,494 Oh. A pony. 360 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:03,196 -50 ponies! -(pony neighs) 361 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,698 Oh. Somehow 50 ponies 362 00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:08,335 -seem less than one. -Oh. 363 00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:11,304 LISA: The princess wondered, if nothing was denied her, 364 00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:13,340 -why was she not satisfied? -(King Homer screams) 365 00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:15,708 Why couldn't she be happy like her brother 366 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,711 with his stupid multiplayer games? 367 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,747 (dramatic music playing) 368 00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,650 (elephant trumpeting) 369 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:28,721 -(gong rings) -(victorious fanfare plays) 370 00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:31,724 Brother, do you not grow weary of this opulence? 371 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,693 Sometimes, but there's always the decadence. 372 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:38,331 There must be a middle path between opulence and decadence. 373 00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,367 -Flatulence? -(Milhouse laughs) 374 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,701 No. 375 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,736 (elephants trumpeting) 376 00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:49,142 Please, somebody, think of the elephants! 377 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,578 Princess Siddmartha, hmm, 378 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:54,814 perhaps the stars hold the answer to your questions. 379 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:57,350 Why don't you take a look? 380 00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,353 (choir sings) 381 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:01,854 SIDDMARTHA: Meh. 382 00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,724 (kids laughing, chattering) 383 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:08,027 Those children have nothing, but they're enjoying themselves. 384 00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:10,397 Maybe all these riches have blinded me 385 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,399 to what really matters: 386 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,434 goats' heads. Hmm. 387 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:17,170 (snoring) 388 00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:18,771 That's mine. 389 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:21,441 (snoring) 390 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:31,684 * I live a life of great excess * 391 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:36,389 * And yet I find no happiness 392 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:41,228 * There's more to life than this, I hope * 393 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:44,063 * Than golden tubs and fragrant soap * 394 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,866 * All kinds of stuff, and yet I mope * 395 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:51,638 * I want less 396 00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,640 * Don't want to grab life by the horns * 397 00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:57,210 * Don't want to grab that brass ring * 398 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,746 * Hear me shout and hear me sing * 399 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,749 * All I want is just one thing 400 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:07,754 * I want less, I want less 401 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:10,723 * Less, less, less 402 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:15,762 * I want more of 403 00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:21,301 * Less... 404 00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,270 Less. 405 00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,804 Oops. 406 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:29,276 LISA: Disguised as a poor boy, Siddmartha sought out 407 00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:31,278 the most learned scholars in the kingdom. 408 00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:32,745 But she soon learned 409 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:35,748 Kathmandu U, like Budhanilkantha Tech, 410 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,650 was just another party school. 411 00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:40,019 (laughter, cheering) 412 00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:42,489 Excuse me. (clears throat) 413 00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:44,957 (deep voice): You're wasting your lives, man. 414 00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:48,528 It's the year zero. How much is there to learn? 415 00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:51,664 Come on, girl. Let's find inner peace. 416 00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:52,699 (neighs) 417 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:03,543 I will sit under this Bodhi Tree because I am void of ideas. 418 00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:08,448 LISA: So, Siddmartha sat and sat and sat and sat, 419 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,617 willing to wait forever and a day 420 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,385 until she found enlightenment. 421 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,421 * 422 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,674 * Om... 423 00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:39,712 * Om... 424 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,215 -Namaste! -(kids cheering) 425 00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:46,253 Even though she strayed from our faith, I'm proud of Lisa. 426 00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:50,590 That Buddhist kid's a really good person. 427 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:52,525 What? I'm just sayin'. 428 00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:54,093 GOD: Mm, if we've learned anything 429 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:56,329 from these three tangentially-related stories, 430 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,598 it's that there are many paths to Heaven. 431 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,833 Maybe we should let everybody in. 432 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:04,837 Great idea. I decree that all with good souls are welcome 433 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:07,774 in Heaven now and forever. 434 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,276 (thunderclap) 435 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:10,677 How did I get here? 436 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,012 Well, you see, you were Smithers' plus one. 437 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,748 I demand to get in on my own merits. 438 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,850 (sighs) I'll talk to him. 439 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:21,254 CHOIR: * Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. * 440 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,560 -(thunder rumbles) -(boys whimper) 441 00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,095 Don't be scared, boys. 442 00:20:29,128 --> 00:20:31,130 That's just angels bowling. (chuckles) 443 00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,134 Oh, I'm sorry about that. 444 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:38,438 -Oh, we consider it a blessing. -GOD: Kiss-up. 445 00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:54,487 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 446 00:21:24,717 --> 00:21:26,519 Shh!