1
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,144
-(water splattering)
-Sorry, Dad,

2
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:12,012
but it looks like
I've conquered you at Risk,

3
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,714
-bankrupted you at Monopoly...
-HOMER: Hmm. Hmm.

4
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,883
...and aggravated you
at Aggravation.

5
00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:17,318
Well, with you as a daughter,

6
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,153
I'm a winner
in the game of Life.

7
00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:20,721
Although, I lost that, too.

8
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,690
(grunts) Such a good father.

9
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,725
Everyone is really
getting along.

10
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,760
What the hell is going on?

11
00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:28,829
There's no Bart.

12
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,831
-You're right.
-Where is he?

13
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,400
Ladies, relax.

14
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,535
Remember when I said
I'd punish Bart

15
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:37,871
after he got us...
banned from the buffet?

16
00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,273
(Bart chuckles)

17
00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:42,843
I can't shut it off.

18
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:46,880
Someone wedged a seasonal
Tuscan focaccia in the lever!

19
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:48,382
(laughs)

20
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,852
Well, Homie, whatever punishment
you gave him must have worked.

21
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:55,256
Yep, tough love. I'm his father,
not his best friend.

22
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:58,426
He'll hate me now, but someday
he'll say wonderful things

23
00:00:58,459 --> 00:01:02,029
about me to people on airplanes
who just want to go to sleep.

24
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,698
-That young man will...
-How did you punish him?

25
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,801
Well, I sat the boy down,
looked him straight in the eye,

26
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:11,105
and bought him a top-of-the-line
computer gaming rig.

27
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:13,441
-You what?
-I get it. You bribed him.

28
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,743
Stay out of this.
I did not bribe him.

29
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:18,279
I addicted him to something
that will numb his spirit

30
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,781
until he's no longer
our responsibility.

31
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,651
Well, it has been
pretty peaceful around here.

32
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,787
Kill! Die! Die!
Get wrecked, newbs!

33
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:29,957
(dramatic music playing)

34
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,659
This is General Splattin'.
Do you copy?

35
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:33,227
-Copy.
-BOTH: Copy.

36
00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:34,728
Jinx. You me a Coke.

37
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,231
(groans) I'll never be able
to pay that bet.

38
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,599
Focus, Nelson, focus.

39
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,568
Kite the enemy into a gank.
Squeeze it...

40
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,903
-on three... two...
-(explosion)

41
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,104
GG!

42
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:45,606
That means "good game."

43
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:49,310
It's how the other team
lets you know... they surrender!

44
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:50,944
HOMER:
Mm.

45
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:53,581
Now I hit control-six
to defile their corpses.

46
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:54,915
Haw-haw! Haw-haw!

47
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,117
-Haw-haw!
-(chickens clucking)

48
00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:00,188
(dance music plays)

49
00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,259
Civilized annihilation.

50
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:08,296
Marge, the boy just may be
learning some life skills.

51
00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,298
Mom, do you agree with this?

52
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:13,100
I guess so. Your father
is showing an interest in Bart,

53
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,302
which is good.

54
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,936
Well, if that's how things work,

55
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,838
then I'm gonna
behave badly, too.

56
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,773
(both laughing)

57
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:22,510
-That's great!
-Sure you are.

58
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:25,946
I'll show you! I'm gonna...
tear up my homework.

59
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,481
(Lisa groans)

60
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:30,951
I'm really gonna do this.
Here I go.

61
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:34,955
(groans) Actually, this
bibliography could be improved.

62
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,524
(Lisa humming a tune)

63
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:38,992
-(typing)
-Island of the Blue Dolphins.

64
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:41,362
Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. Ibid.

65
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,631
Op cit. Ibid. Ibid. Ibid.

66
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,499
Ibid. Ibid. Ibid.

67
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,501
(shower running)

68
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:50,003
Bart's been in the shower
for an hour.

69
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,905
(chuckles)
With a young man that age,

70
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:55,209
there's only one reason
he's in the bathroom that long.

71
00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,678
Skunk sprayed him good.

72
00:02:57,711 --> 00:03:00,381
Oh, my God, he's playing
with himself!

73
00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:01,815
On that game.

74
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:04,652
He's playing that game
in the shower?

75
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,387
We have to stop this right now.

76
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:07,921
Homer, take care of your son.

77
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,723
Make him quit.
(groans) Geez.

78
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:12,092
Sorry, boy, I have to put
my foot down.

79
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,327
I can't quit now.

80
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,995
My team's about to compete
in a tournament.

81
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,430
I can't let them down.

82
00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:19,199
Well, team building
is important.

83
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:22,270
All right, let yourself go, and
your partner will support you.

84
00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:25,739
(Lenny screams, groans)

85
00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:27,275
Damn you, Homer!

86
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:30,010
Please, Dad, can I play
in this one last tournament?

87
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,345
Sorry, boy, you're through.

88
00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:33,414
First prize is a thousand bucks.

89
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:35,115
You get paid
to play video games?

90
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,350
A thousand bucks.

91
00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:38,118
-They actually pay you?
-Yes.

92
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,853
-In dollars?
-Yes.

93
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,922
-To play a video game?
-That's right.

94
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:44,558
-They pay you in cash?
-Yes, yes, yes!

95
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:45,959
-How much?
-A thousand!

96
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,895
All right. Do not tell your mom,

97
00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:49,897
but I'm gonna say yes,
one last tournament.

98
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,198
Oh, thank you, Dad.

99
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,066
Just one thing--
they actually pay you?

100
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,468
Yes!

101
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:58,105
A thousand dollars
to play video games?

102
00:03:58,138 --> 00:03:59,940
(dramatic music playing)

103
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,376
Group up.
Time to put these suckers away.

104
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,845
Oh, yeah, show me some Gs,
Odgenville.

105
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:11,985
We win! And it's all because
I let them do it.

106
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:14,922
Now, apparently,
the Evergreen Terrors have won,

107
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,958
uh, this thing I don't
understand at all,

108
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:21,395
but which gave the school
new basketball nets.

109
00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:26,266
Now to hand you your prize
money, which is $1,000 cash.

110
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:30,103
Let go, Seymour.

111
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,472
I'm telling myself to.

112
00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:33,841
I've never held this much money
in my hand all at once.

113
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,576
Let me just, uh... (chuckles)

114
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,845
look at it.

115
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:42,115
$100 bill, autographed
by Lawrence Summers.

116
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:45,085
Such a carefree signature,
before the Great Recession.

117
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,854
HOMER:
Mm.

118
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:50,491
Here you go, $200 each. Mm!

119
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:53,160
Okay, team, take a break
and meet up for practice in 30.

120
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,262
My dad said we could all
go to Krusty Burger.

121
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,164
Is he giving us a discount?

122
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:59,032
No, he just said we could go.

123
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,535
It'll be nice to have
some kids in there again,

124
00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:04,938
after what the monkey did during
that birthday party. (groans)

125
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:06,874
Whatever. Just meet in 30.

126
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,776
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know what, kids?

127
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,110
I'm gonna blow your minds

128
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,446
with a little bit
of hard-earned advice:

129
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,848
-Quit while you're ahead.
-KIDS: Huh?

130
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,950
We can't quit. There's
so many more tournaments.

131
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,886
You won one
video game tournament.

132
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:20,888
This isn't like
baseball or politics

133
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,322
where you can make real money.

134
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:25,192
You only have one
childhood, kids. Enjoy it.

135
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,528
Okay, but because
we came in first

136
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:30,998
we qualified for a tournament
where we could win $500,000.

137
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:32,800
Childhood's over.
It's time for work.

138
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,602
(cell phone buzzing)

139
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,645
Hmm. Hmm?

140
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:45,979
That's right, sweetie.

141
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,916
I'm going to make your brother
a champion.

142
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,985
Knock off that racket!

143
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,353
You're gonna defy Mom?

144
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,423
-Sit on my knee, boy.
-I think I'm too old.

145
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,858
You're never too old
to sit on Daddy's knee.

146
00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,760
-(bones crack)
-Ow, my knee! Get off! Get off!

147
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,995
(groaning)

148
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,597
Son, here's a life lesson:

149
00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:06,166
I don't directly tell
your mother anything bad.

150
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,236
I secretly make her a part
of everything she's against.

151
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:12,339
That's why I spent
your winnings on her.

152
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,241
Honey, I got you a present.

153
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:16,376
MARGE (gasps):
An espresso pod machine,

154
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:19,012
like the one I made fun of
at the Hibberts'.

155
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,583
Because you wanted it yourself.
Let me pod you, my dear.

156
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,586
-(machine whirring)
-Ooh! What's the occasion?

157
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,588
The occasion is that
I haven't been

158
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,890
as good of a father as I should.

159
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,693
Yes. Well, no, uh...

160
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,094
Don't argue. It's true.

161
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,129
I need to get more involved
in Bart's life,

162
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,198
so I've decided to be his coach.

163
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,434
That's wonderful. Coaching what?

164
00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:42,603
Oh, I haven't landed on it yet.

165
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:45,072
Football, chess,
maybe even a silly video game.

166
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,575
It doesn't matter.
Have some coffee.

167
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,577
I love how it doesn't
fill the cup.

168
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,812
Very European. Mmm.

169
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,847
-It's a video game.
-What?

170
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,719
I guess if you're spending
time together, what's the harm?

171
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,622
(singsongy):
Look who's a dad.
Look who's a dad.

172
00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:03,390
I knew you'd be cool with it.

173
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,493
Also, I hired a video game
expert to tutor Bart.

174
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:06,894
His name is The Detonator.

175
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,161
-(groans)
-(doorbell rings)

176
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:13,300
"I can't make conversation
unless it's about gaming."

177
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:15,836
Do you want to come in?

178
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:18,839
Do you want to go where
they're playing the game?

179
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,474
Thank you, ma'am.

180
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:23,310
Homer, I've watched Bart play--
here, on his Twitch feed,

181
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,746
and his HitForm, InstaBox,
Gibtrack, Buzuba,

182
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,080
and YergaPunch streams.

183
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,917
Hmm, the only word I recognized
was Gibtrack.

184
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,285
I think Bart has what it takes
to be top ten.

185
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:34,287
-Players? In the country?
-Bigger.

186
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,156
-The galaxy?
-Smaller.

187
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:37,424
-World?
-Yes.

188
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,626
Whoo-hoo.

189
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,761
Kids, make sure you're
in a chair that spins.

190
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,696
You're all gonna get a lesson
from The Detonator.

191
00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:44,264
Let's jump into a battle.

192
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,634
To start, Bart and Nelson,
we'll put you up front,

193
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,636
and we'll back you up
with Sophie and Milhouse.

194
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,037
Booyah!

195
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:51,805
THE DETONATOR:
Notice my finger
is clicking the mouse

196
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:52,973
with a light, quick stroke

197
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,441
to limit joint fatigue
and tracking error.

198
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,043
I'm clicking like
the mouse button is hot.

199
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,945
Not too hot;
like the top of a toaster

200
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,346
after an underdone bagel.

201
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:02,482
Okay, now I'm using that quick
mouse stroke here and here,

202
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,852
which is how, Bart,
you should drop diamonite mines

203
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,386
to surround their spawn points.

204
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,021
Milhouse, make sure
you're in position

205
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,623
to respond to enemy aggression.

206
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:12,392
Sophie, when they make
their move, go in and engage.

207
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:15,729
My dad's been engaged 20 times.
I know what to do.

208
00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:17,297
Okay, now we're entering
the mid-game,

209
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,533
where it's important to keep
focusing on major objectives

210
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:20,901
and control the map.

211
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:23,571
Okay, Homer, you watch the
screen while I take a quick A.P.

212
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:24,805
What's an A.P.?

213
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,807
It's a gamer abbreviation
for "a pee."

214
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,642
Nerd lingo. Saves so much time.

215
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:30,243
THE DETONATOR (over headsets):
All right, I'm walking

216
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:31,478
through the kitchen,

217
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,880
blue-haired woman
is feeding a baby.

218
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,314
I'm making eye contact.

219
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,317
MARGE: Your shoes have
lace holes but no laces.

220
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,152
THE DETONATOR:
Linoleum, linoleum.

221
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,188
Strafing into the bathroom,
gonna go into defuel mode.

222
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,823
Lifting seat with shoe.

223
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,658
Pro tip: Going over the belt
saves time.

224
00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:45,926
Shaking, flushing
and hand washing

225
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,728
are the real time killers.

226
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:50,363
Once I cut those out,
my lag time went way down.

227
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:53,000
Okay, these Water Mages
have fuel tanks on their backs,

228
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,835
so you can't hit them
with standard spells,

229
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:58,371
but if I equip this staff that
lets me cast lava quadballs...

230
00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:02,042
I mistimed it. Oh, God,
I mistimed. They killed me.

231
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:05,012
Do you mind if I dance
over your corpse?

232
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,446
I'd be mad if you didn't.

233
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:09,016
-It's over for me.
-Why?

234
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,351
I just lost my gaming edge.
Right there, just now.

235
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,420
Been in the zone for years,
and now I'm not.

236
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:15,789
(sighs) Time in a bottle, man,
time in a bottle.

237
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:17,758
But you were gonna mold
my team into winners,

238
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,426
and I was gonna
live through them.

239
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,028
Just yesterday, I turned 19.

240
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,030
Made it longer than most
in this crazy biz.

241
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,699
Anyway, I'm gonna go work for
my uncle. He owns a tile store.

242
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:28,368
It'll be a good life.
Good enough.

243
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,037
Sucks to be old.

244
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,706
I didn't cry
at my grandpa's funeral,

245
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:36,276
mostly because he was racist,
but I'm crying now.

246
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,312
(sobbing)

247
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,982
(somber medieval music plays)

248
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,018
(crying)

249
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:52,125
He taught us all he could.
Now it's up to me.

250
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:55,128
-Do we get uniforms?
-No. No uniforms.

251
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:57,464
You're a ragtag bunch
without any sponsors

252
00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:59,432
that'll have everyone
rooting for you.

253
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,669
Are you kids ready to turn
this thing you like

254
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:04,504
into something that will consume
every waking minute?

255
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,674
-KIDS: Maybe!
-Hit the music!

256
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,008
(dramatic orchestral music
plays)

257
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,476
(trumpets loudly)

258
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,583
(stopwatch dings)

259
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:19,119
Kids, you need to practice
10,000 hours to get great.

260
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,520
Are you sure?

261
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:23,423
It's how long Malcolm Gladwell
needed to think it up.

262
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,259
♪ Bart is a champion ♪

263
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:29,029
♪ Which makes me a champion ♪

264
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:32,432
-♪ I am the champion of the... ♪
-Homer.

265
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,767
♪ World. ♪
Yes, Marge?

266
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:37,170
I've noticed how much time
you've been spending with Bart.

267
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,505
I know what's coming.

268
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,974
I'm riding him too hard,
and you want me to pull back.

269
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,976
-No.
-What the...?

270
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,713
Honestly, I worry
so much about that boy,

271
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:49,116
I'm afraid he's going to
wind up in jail.

272
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,618
Marge, his kill count is 98%.

273
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,486
Guys like that
don't end up in jail.

274
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,990
And I promise you, I will
coach him as hard as I can.

275
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,793
But will you also coach him
to be a good man?

276
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,661
That's Flanders' job.

277
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,563
-FLANDERS: I'm on it.
-Aw.

278
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,365
Mm.

279
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,170
(dramatic orchestral music
playing)

280
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,244
Homer Simpson? Go right in.

281
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,713
Welcome, Homer.
Welcome to the club of dads

282
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:23,050
who live through their
glorious athletic children.

283
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:24,852
(gasps)
Tiger Woods' father.

284
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:28,521
Hey, I have a name,
although I've forgotten it.

285
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,190
Okay, so it's 5:00
in the morning.

286
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:31,491
My son is four.

287
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,393
He hits the boards
and starts bleeding.

288
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,095
His elbow's sticking
out of his skin.

289
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,329
ALL:
Ew!

290
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,031
Yeah, I got my camera,
and he says,

291
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:40,167
(imitates crying)
"Daddy, what are you doing?"

292
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,536
I said, "I'm filming the last
time you are ever gonna cry."

293
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,538
(laughter)

294
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:48,942
-Oh, that is great.
-Ha. Excellent coaching.

295
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,510
Really? It's not mean?

296
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,880
Homer, we're obsessive
sports fathers,

297
00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,681
so we're gonna teach you
how to motivate

298
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,784
-the only way we know how.
-Don't hit me.

299
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,385
Oh, we're gonna hit you,
all right.

300
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,253
With a song.

301
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,355
♪

302
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,191
♪ Never wanted Roland-Garros ♪

303
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,193
♪ Never made it to the show ♪

304
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,195
♪ Never won
the Stanley Cup trophy ♪

305
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,397
♪ For five years in a row ♪

306
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:14,034
♪ There's nothing in our lives
that we ever really did ♪

307
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,603
♪ Except made our child
a superstar ♪

308
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:19,039
♪ And lived through our kid ♪

309
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,308
♪ Live, live through your kid ♪

310
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:23,777
-♪ Wake him up at 5:00 ♪
-(air horn blows)

311
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,478
♪ Live, live through your kid ♪

312
00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:29,149
♪ It's the only way
to feel alive ♪

313
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:31,118
♪ Strap him to a hockey stick ♪

314
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,286
♪ While he is still asleep
in bed ♪

315
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,889
♪ Build a scary dragon
to fire tennis balls ♪

316
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,290
♪ Right at his head ♪

317
00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:39,226
♪ There's no training
that's too torturous ♪

318
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,294
♪ Or cruel to play this game ♪

319
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,296
♪ Because when they win
at Pebble Beach ♪

320
00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:46,133
♪ You share in the fame ♪

321
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:50,237
♪ Live, live through your kid,
homeschooled by his mom ♪

322
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:53,506
♪ Live, live through your kid ♪

323
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,608
♪ They'll surely come
to hate you ♪

324
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:58,245
♪ But that's later on ♪

325
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:03,083
♪ There is absolutely
nothing like ♪

326
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,118
♪ Living through ♪

327
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:10,057
♪ Your kid. ♪

328
00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:14,461
This is still part
of the dream, Homer.

329
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,631
MAN:
No uniforms?

330
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,267
I'm rooting for those underdogs.

331
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,169
-Yay!
-Yay!

332
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:25,272
Yes, you are,
and you don't even know why.

333
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,774
I just said,
it's the no uniforms.

334
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,677
(laughs)
Not a clue.

335
00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:33,680
Poke and harness those trolls.

336
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,548
On it. Nelson,
get ready to back me up

337
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:37,050
in case their heroes
engage on me.

338
00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:38,518
On my way.

339
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,954
-It's a trap!
-They're ganking me.

340
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,322
Damn it, they got me.

341
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:43,556
Respawning in 30.

342
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,792
They're control-sixing
my corpse.

343
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,394
We're gonna win.

344
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,029
(cheering)

345
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,132
It's coming, Gordy.

346
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,733
Hold on a minute.

347
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:56,870
Bart Simpson has not
given the "GG."

348
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:59,873
And the diamonite mine
he planted in the dragon turds

349
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:02,642
is exploding now.

350
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,477
(cheering)

351
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:07,414
Springfield is going
to the world championships

352
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:11,751
in Seoul, South Korea,
while the Canadian team is out.

353
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:12,986
-Huh?
-"Out"?

354
00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:14,988
(sighs)
"Oot."

355
00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:17,390
-Yo, what the...? Oh, come on,
what's that all about?
-(grumbling)

356
00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:18,758
And I am, too.

357
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:20,393
This is the last match
I'll announce.

358
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:22,695
I'm going to spend my time
oil painting,

359
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,032
but my wife says
not in the house.

360
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,502
Hey, sweetie, what's going on?

361
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,939
I'm only talking to you now
to prove a point.

362
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:33,941
You've been spending
all your time with Bart,

363
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,709
and you haven't paid
any attention to me at all.

364
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,946
And I know you're just gonna
respond with a,

365
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:41,881
"That's nice, honey,"
and move on. I know it.

366
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:43,283
That's nice, honey.

367
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:46,019
Bart and I are going
to South Korea.

368
00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:49,356
It'll be great, Lisa.
We'll have girls time here.

369
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,691
Bake cookies,
see the movies we want to see.

370
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,861
Mom, I try to spare you because
I don't want you feeling

371
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:58,698
thoroughly appropriate guilt
for what this family does to me,

372
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,368
but now one of my dreams
is within my grasp.

373
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,869
See?

374
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:06,873
I want to go to South Korea, to
the Jogyesa Buddhist monastery,

375
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,643
because they teach something
there so special, so magic,

376
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,212
it could be life-changing.

377
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:15,815
It just never seemed possible,
and I had to accept it.

378
00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:17,985
I'm holding
onto a thin rope here,

379
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:21,054
because if Bart and Dad go
to Seoul and I miss out,

380
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,489
I'll lose my grip.

381
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,291
(shouts)
I'm losing it now!

382
00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:28,095
Hear me, hear me, dear God,
someone hear me.

383
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,263
Help me before it's too late!

384
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,099
Girls trip to South Korea.

385
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:33,833
Oh, thank you, Mom.

386
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:36,169
I'm going down to the basement
to get my happy diary.

387
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,437
You do that.

388
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,278
♪

389
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,484
Pretzels, M&M's, Pringles.

390
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,686
It's a complete
Thanksgiving dinner.

391
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,588
Pringles are for champions only.

392
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,290
Milhouse, can I have
a word with you?

393
00:15:57,324 --> 00:16:00,127
Oh, no.
This is never, ever good.

394
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,429
(chuckles):
Don't worry. This will be good.

395
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,997
I lied. This is really bad.

396
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:06,266
Son, the rules say
that we get to swap in

397
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,869
one player for this round,
and I'm asking you to step down.

398
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:12,339
I'm always the one
that has to step down.

399
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,174
That's why I chose you.

400
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:17,377
-You've got rejection muscle.
-Fine.

401
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,779
Good boy. You're our Rudy.

402
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,949
-Rudy got to play.
-I didn't say which Rudy.

403
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:26,519
Can't you give me a pity job,
like scorekeeper?

404
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,121
Fine, you're scorekeeper.

405
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,323
I don't want your pity job.

406
00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:33,860
Dad, I think you need
a little more salt in your diet.

407
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:35,862
Where are you taking us?

408
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,135
You know,
I don't want to be here.

409
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,670
Shh. We're here.

410
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:46,973
Are you sure
these are safe here?

411
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,810
No, this whole temple is a scam
to collect smelly shoes.

412
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,845
I knew it.

413
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,647
This is what I was
talking about.

414
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,249
These are salt mandalas.

415
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:57,917
This will change our lives.

416
00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:59,986
Start pouring the salt.

417
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,955
♪

418
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,528
Yum. Mm.

419
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:12,732
That's so beautiful.

420
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:15,935
I finally understand
why you had to come here.

421
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,870
So how do we get it home?

422
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:20,107
I worry about it in my carry-on.

423
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,908
I'm gonna need a lot of glue.

424
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,511
-We don't. We destroy it.
-What?

425
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:28,014
To prove attachment to any
material pursuit is meaningless.

426
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,750
I'll start.

427
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,752
Mom, you're tidying it.

428
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:35,122
Destroy it.

429
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,224
Are you happy now? Because...

430
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,959
(gasps)
I am.

431
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:42,629
Yes. You've achieved Zen.

432
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,897
Now you just
have to do two more.

433
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:47,134
-MARGE: Hmm.
-I'm gonna go check on Dad.

434
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,871
You have been wasting
your talents bowling.

435
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:53,373
You have to destroy it.

436
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,208
Never! Never! Never!

437
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,009
(sneezes) Damn it!

438
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,249
Now do you see it?
Do you see the meaninglessness

439
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,217
of striving for worldly things?

440
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,719
(gasps)
I do.

441
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,722
I am going to stop being
so driven and ambitious...

442
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,958
Don't you laugh, Missy.

443
00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:14,060
Amazing Zen.

444
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,329
He's like the reincarnation
of the Buddha.

445
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,134
-(both gasp)
-It is the Buddha.

446
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,936
Great. Now I feel guilty
I stole his shoes.

447
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:37,517
♪

448
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,486
ANNOUNCER:
We're in the late game,

449
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,488
and the Evergreen Terrors
have a narrow lead

450
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,423
against the Brazilian Blowouts,
but...

451
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,958
where is Coach Homer Simpson?

452
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,664
Competition is meaningless.

453
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,810
To strive is to fail.

454
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:06,779
Out of nowhere,
the mind comes forth.

455
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,482
And a third thing.

456
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,087
Time for the lava quadball.

457
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,227
We're gonna win.
Dad's crazy coaching worked.

458
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:24,130
If I win, I'll be the most
famous girl gamer of all time.

459
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,898
Also, if I lose.

460
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:31,003
So beautiful. Must destroy.

461
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,578
-(crowd groaning)
-No! Not now.

462
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:40,680
-(electrical buzzing)
-(crowd gasping)

463
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,218
(crowd shouting)

464
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:46,686
ANNOUNCER:
The match is canceled.
No refunds.

465
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,187
Send in the riot police.

466
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,390
(slow piano version of
"Suicide Is Painless" plays)

467
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,040
♪

468
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:23,022
PILOT:
Uh, welcome to our
19-hour-and-45-minute flight

469
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,525
from Seoul, South Korea
to Springfield.

470
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,695
One brief note: Our in-flight
entertainment system

471
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,263
is not working at all.

472
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:31,864
Have a great flight, folks.

473
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,866
-Also, we're out of almonds.
-(Homer groans)

474
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,469
Zen. Remember your Zen.

475
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:38,771
I'm sorry,
you're too fat for coach.

476
00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:40,640
We'll have to put you
in first class.

477
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:43,443
Thanks to Buddha, I win again.

478
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:46,379
Dad, I don't think you've quite
grasped the religion.

479
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:49,215
Two words: Boo-duh.

480
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,484
(Lisa grumbles)

481
00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:02,962
(snoring)

482
00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:06,098
We don't want you anymore.
You blew it.

483
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:09,101
Your son has a chance
to be well-adjusted.

484
00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:11,504
-(all jeering)
-Yeah, great.

485
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,440
Wait, I've got a baby daughter.

486
00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:15,442
Maybe she's good
at beach volleyball.

487
00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:16,943
How old is she?

488
00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:18,445
-One.
-Too late.

489
00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:40,367
Shh!