1 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:06,474 Let go, let go. 2 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:08,509 (alarm beeping) 3 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,025 (gurgling) 4 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,408 (pings) 5 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,711 This is Dateline: Springfield. 6 00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:45,579 ♪ 7 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:54,222 From a distance, the Simpsons were the perfect family. 8 00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:57,024 Homer and Marge were high school sweethearts. 9 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,560 She saved me from a dateless prom. 10 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:02,096 He saved me from a life with my sisters. 11 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:05,866 Those two are monsters. Cut to them, you'll see. 12 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,102 What are you filming us for? 13 00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:12,072 NARRATOR: Marge and Homer raised their three kids 14 00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:14,108 in an atmosphere of love, laughter 15 00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:16,110 and crushing economic anxiety. 16 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,879 The only thing they needed was each other. 17 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:22,082 When I first met the Simpsons, in 1947, 18 00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:25,819 they were building affordable homes in Pennsylvania. 19 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:29,223 Little Maggie was going to be the next Lindbergh baby. 20 00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:33,627 But John Foster Dulles had other ideas. 21 00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:35,095 Don't interview Grampa. 22 00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:38,232 He almost made Ken Burns quit the business. 23 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:43,437 (laughs) That pompous old fool was more boring than baseball. 24 00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:46,274 NARRATOR: Little did the Simpsons suspect that their American dream 25 00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,909 was about to be flipped upside down 26 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,645 by the spatula of crime. 27 00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:54,648 Home to a nuclear power plant and an active volcano, 28 00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:57,318 Springfield seemed like the safest place in the world. 29 00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,922 But that tranquility was about to be shattered, 30 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,357 in a mysterious crime 31 00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:05,959 that would tear the Simpson family apart. 32 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,962 Tear us apart? Nothing can tear us apart. 33 00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:10,464 Tear us apart. 34 00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,866 Mom, stop saying "tear us apart." 35 00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,868 It's tearing us apart! 36 00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:17,171 Who wants mac and cheese? 37 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:20,174 NARRATOR: Our conscienceless reenactment begins as Marge and Lisa 38 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:22,376 return home from a trip to the market. 39 00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,144 MARGE: Whatever we didn't spend, I'd donate 40 00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:28,048 to Lisa's secret college fund. 41 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:31,219 LISA: We hid it in the last place the men in this family would look. 42 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:33,354 MARGE: (chuckles) A jar of cleanser. 43 00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:36,357 What happened next was one of those life-changing moments 44 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:39,293 that always seem to happen under the sink. 45 00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:44,565 NARRATOR: The entire college fund, $670.42, was gone. 46 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,700 And just like that, Lisa's dream 47 00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:48,536 of going to college for three weeks, 48 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:51,071 without a food plan, was over. 49 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:52,806 For any parent of young children, 50 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,010 the thing you dread most is losing a can full of money. 51 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:27,741 Uh, Chief, you found something? 52 00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:31,779 Zero evidence of Pringles, so... 53 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,247 (sighs) 54 00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:35,048 So we were back at square one. 55 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:36,450 It was not your typical break-in. 56 00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:38,185 No sign of forced entry. 57 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,187 I mean, the dog didn't even bark. 58 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:44,057 Somebody knew exactly where to rub him. The tummy. 59 00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:46,126 (moans) 60 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:49,397 NARRATOR: A police reenactment confirmed the chief's theory. 61 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:51,365 (moans): Oh, oh, God, that's great. 62 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,133 Oh, there's no way I'm barking. 63 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,869 Oh, Lou, you got to teach my wife to do this. 64 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:58,138 NARRATOR: With zero evidence of a break-in, 65 00:03:58,171 --> 00:04:00,874 police suspicion turned to the family. 66 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:03,444 This just didn't pass what cops call "the smell test." 67 00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:05,946 I've watched a lot of cop shows in my day. 68 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,948 I consider myself something of an amateur policeman. 69 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,317 (chuckles) 70 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,320 Let me just stop this documentary, or "doc," 71 00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:14,121 here and now! 72 00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:16,223 We are good people. 73 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:19,327 We do not steal. 74 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,894 That's borrowing. 75 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:25,999 Borrowing. Borr-ow-ing. 76 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:30,070 NARRATOR: And so this nuclear family began to explode, 77 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,840 as suspicion focused on one man. 78 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,909 Oh, what about the important clue the police missed? 79 00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,912 Somebody set a drink down here without a coaster. 80 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,981 That had to be a stranger. 81 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:42,616 This is an expensive table, 82 00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:46,153 and my family knows I don't want it stained. 83 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,289 D'oh... 84 00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:50,958 NARRATOR: Springfield detectives made 85 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:53,293 a desperate plea to the public for help. 86 00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:55,463 -They didn't have to wait long. -(phone beeps) 87 00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,698 MILHOUSE (over phone): Nelson came to school today 88 00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:59,199 with a salon-quality haircut. 89 00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:02,936 His family doesn't even have money for milk. 90 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,138 He eats cereal with rain water. 91 00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:07,307 -(phone beeps) -SIDESHOW MEL: Mr. Teeny stole the money, 92 00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,309 like he steals all my scenes. 93 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:12,145 I swear it on my very bone. 94 00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:14,815 Sincerely, anonymous caller. 95 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,551 But just as you're about to give up after two calls, 96 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:19,987 -you hit pay dirt. -(phone beeps) 97 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,155 HELEN (over phone): I would like to accuse Marge Simpson 98 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:24,625 of stealing that money to feed her gambling habit. 99 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,494 She told my husband, the minister, 100 00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:27,895 that she was an addict. 101 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,963 In confidence, but, you know. 102 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:30,964 (Helen chuckles) 103 00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:33,000 ♪ 104 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,538 NARRATOR: Marge Simpson. This suburban mother 105 00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:39,339 with Olive Oyl good looks 106 00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:43,043 had kicked her gambling habit years ago. Or had she? 107 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:45,312 MARGE: I admit it. I couldn't resist the temptation. 108 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,080 But then I did. 109 00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:49,182 NARRATOR: Marge walked out of the casino 110 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,851 and off the suspect list. 111 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,820 Shockingly, the mystery would not be solved 112 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,888 in the first five minutes of the show. 113 00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:57,357 With Marge's name cleared, the police moved 114 00:05:57,391 --> 00:06:00,694 to the next suspect on their list, Homer Simpson. 115 00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:03,030 Homer's bar tab was spiraling out of control. 116 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:04,565 Five, six hundred bucks. 117 00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:06,934 That night, Moe cut him off. 118 00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,969 (dramatic music playing) 119 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,944 ♪ I'm sorry... ♪ 120 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:19,947 Yeah, our theory was that Homer came home wasted, he fell, 121 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,716 he shimmied and he found the money under the sink there, 122 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,686 and he figured he'd just use it to pay his tab. 123 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,121 Well it's indisputable that Homer visited the kitchen 124 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,690 before going to bed. 125 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:32,460 You see, we found spaghetti sauce splatter 126 00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:35,262 consistent with a very violent late-night snack. 127 00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:39,467 This is, ah, this is not a flayvin situation. 128 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:43,236 Although, I still am compelled to say flayvin. 129 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,072 LOU: Sauce on the walls, the ceiling, 130 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,040 under Homer's fingernails. 131 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,376 That pasta fought hard for its life. 132 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,979 What that man did to those leftovers... 133 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:54,448 I'm sorry, I-I can't continue. 134 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:56,817 NARRATOR: But if the kitchen had been a tomato-soaked abattoir 135 00:06:56,850 --> 00:07:00,053 that night, why had no one noticed in the morning? 136 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,122 Hmm. 137 00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:03,991 LOU: He cleaned up the kitchen after stuffing 138 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,993 all the money into his pockets, 139 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,462 so we just had to get those pants. 140 00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:11,164 Fortunately, a simple sting did the trick. 141 00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,766 (Homer humming) 142 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,102 Ooh, Super Bowl in July! 143 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:18,972 (chuckles) 144 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,910 No money in these pants. 145 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:26,446 All we find is candy-coated peanuts, popcorn and a prize. 146 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,749 Now, that's some Cracker Jack detective work. 147 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,485 (laughs): Get it? Cracker Jack? 148 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,986 (chuckles): Yeah. Yeah. 149 00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:35,255 But as for evidence, we, uh, we got nothing. 150 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,024 With Homer still the prime suspect, 151 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,259 and the investigation stalled, 152 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,029 Deadline: Springfield was in dire straits. 153 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:45,465 The show desperately needed a cliffhanger commercial break. 154 00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,367 What if the real criminal mastermind 155 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,804 was billionaire Montgomery Burns? 156 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:53,373 Why would I steal $600? 157 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:55,876 That's nothing to me. 158 00:07:55,909 --> 00:08:00,313 This is what rich is. Smithers, bring me some more money. 159 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,382 Need more convincing? 160 00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:04,985 No. We'll be right back. 161 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,158 NARRATOR: Police returned to their first theory: 162 00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:12,192 could Homer Simpson have done it? 163 00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,027 Oh, definitely. Hey, you're gonna distort 164 00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,829 my voice for this, right? 165 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:17,130 'Cause I don't want no one knowing 166 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,532 that this is Moe Szyslak here. 167 00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:20,801 Oh, and cut the name, too, yeah? 168 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:24,972 NARRATOR: As Moe Szyslak said, Homer was definitely a suspect. 169 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:28,041 It was pretty clear, Chief liked Homer Simpson for this case. 170 00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:31,845 Well, geez, Lou, I wouldn't say that I liked-liked him. 171 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,548 I just, uh-- why, did he say something about me? 172 00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:36,650 I mean you thought he was a person of interest. 173 00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:39,186 Shut up. I can find someone interest-ing 174 00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:43,490 without being interest-ed in them. Shut up. 175 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,025 Yeah, but then new evidence came in 176 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,594 that apparently cleared Homer. 177 00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:49,663 Phone records showed a six-hour call from Homer's phone 178 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:52,032 to a third party on the night of the crime. 179 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,568 The DNA revealed that it was a butt dial. 180 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:57,170 Yeah, and not just to someone on his speed dial list. 181 00:08:57,204 --> 00:09:01,074 Uh-uh. His dexterous cheeks dialed all ten digits. 182 00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,443 (phone beeping) 183 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:06,213 DISCO STU (over phone): Disco Stu is unavailable for you. 184 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:09,049 At the beep, you know what to do. 185 00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,051 When police played back Homer's message, 186 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:14,121 it revealed a horrifying truth. 187 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:15,522 Homer didn't scrub the spaghetti sauce 188 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,457 off that kitchen with cleanser. 189 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:20,628 The sick bastard licked those walls clean. 190 00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:23,130 (Homer mumbling, moaning) 191 00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:27,034 He had a little help. 192 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,069 (barking) 193 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:31,872 (yowls) 194 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,707 (grunting) 195 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,744 My first thought was to delete the message, sure, 196 00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:40,748 but then I started grooving to that slurping safari. 197 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:44,551 I hadn't heard any other music than disco in so long. 198 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:49,657 Sometimes, a persona can just... it becomes a trap, you know? 199 00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:52,826 I knew it couldn't be Homer. Every Simpson is innocent. 200 00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,628 NARRATOR: Until proven guilty. 201 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:56,930 No. Just innocent. 202 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,499 What are you doing? Stop panning across the family. 203 00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,301 They didn't do it. 204 00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:05,072 Finally. I've been expecting you. 205 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,074 (laughs) 206 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,643 Like any normal healthy boy, Bart has been the focus 207 00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:12,079 of numerous police investigations. 208 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,614 But a mother knows when her son is innocent. 209 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,283 And when she's kidding herself, 210 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,285 and when she's turning a blind eye. 211 00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:20,120 This time he's innocent. 212 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,855 Just ask his friends. 213 00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:25,292 -State your name for the record. -Bart Simpson took the money. 214 00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,661 I admit I knew about the money under the sink, 215 00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:30,463 but whatever I borrowed, I always put back. 216 00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,432 Also, $600? 217 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:35,669 What would a ten-year-old boy do with that much money? 218 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:38,138 Slime. Bart was buying slime. 219 00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:40,507 I've never seen such a cooperative witness. 220 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:43,343 I brought extra batteries for your tape recorder, too. 221 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,879 NARRATOR: Slime. The gooey, harmless 222 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:49,182 plaything wildly popular with kids today. 223 00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:55,488 I'd seen all the fads: yo-yos, pogs, Pokémon, crunking, 224 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:58,058 the short stories of John Cheever. 225 00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:00,027 But this beat them all. 226 00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:02,095 ♪ On a clear day ♪ 227 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:06,834 ♪ Rise and look around ♪ 228 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,502 ♪ You ♪ 229 00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:13,340 ♪ And you will see who ♪ 230 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,343 (grunts) 231 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:19,179 ♪ You are. ♪ 232 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,719 ♪ 233 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,063 My plan was, if I owned all the slime, I'd set the price, 234 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:38,631 except that's when the bottom fell out. 235 00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:45,172 (screaming) 236 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,174 Lucky for me, there was one gullible schlub 237 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,176 who didn't realize the craze was over. 238 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,111 I sold my entire stash to him. 239 00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:54,714 I have not agreed to be in your documentary. 240 00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,950 Please go. 241 00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:59,119 BART: So I put the money back I had borrowed 242 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,221 from under the sink, and I filmed it 243 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:03,623 because I knew no one would believe me. 244 00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:06,026 NARRATOR: So that's everyone in the Simpson family, 245 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:09,196 except for Lisa, of course. It couldn't be her, right? 246 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,631 Nah. Well, let's look at the... 247 00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,200 Oh, for God's sake. 248 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,969 I asked Lisa where she was when the money was stolen 249 00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:20,273 and she said, "Chillin'. You know, maxin' and relaxin'." 250 00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:23,143 Now these are the words of a very cool person, 251 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,813 but Lisa Simpson is not even a little cool. 252 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,614 So... (chuckles) huh. 253 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,082 MARGE: Oh, come on. 254 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:33,086 No one, I repeat no one, would believe Lisa could do it. 255 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,289 But she's also a girl who wants a new saxophone. 256 00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:37,690 I'm just saying. 257 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,730 I've been Lisa's supplier for years. 258 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,066 Reeds, wipes, valve grease. 259 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,235 Would she commit a crime over a new sax? 260 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:51,238 (chuckles) Did Dave Brubeck compose in 9/8 time? 261 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,606 He did. We'll count it out together. 262 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,642 (humming "Blue Rondo à la Turk" by Dave Brubeck) 263 00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:09,957 Go ahead, give it a spin. 264 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,992 (playing "Night Lights" by Gerry Mulligan) 265 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:31,711 Oh, it's the best bari sax on the market, 266 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:34,647 a Smoothphone Jazzhonker in black nickel. 267 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:38,051 (chuckles) But I wouldn't steal for it. 268 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:40,120 NARRATOR: When we come back, Lisa did it. 269 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:43,023 -No, I didn't. -Lisa, it's your bedtime. 270 00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:46,326 I got to go. My mom's reading me Harry Potter book four. 271 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,695 NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, the one where Cedric Diggory dies? 272 00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,230 -You suck. -NARRATOR: You did it! 273 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:52,099 No, you did it, jerk. 274 00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,705 Okay, okay. Time's up. 275 00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:02,175 (grunts) The reed's mine. 276 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,544 NARRATOR: You can't spell greed without reed. 277 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:05,845 Check it out. 278 00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,885 Why did we agree to do this documentary? 279 00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,921 Because all our biggest stars today 280 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:15,989 come from true crime documentaries: 281 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,158 The Jinx, Making a Murderer, 282 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,827 and Matt Lauer on the Today Show. 283 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,931 NARRATOR: It turns out Lisa did not buy the new saxophone. 284 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,432 Someone else did. 285 00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:28,335 I've always wanted to play bari sax, 286 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:32,439 but my father insisted on tenor. 287 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,075 In you go. 288 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:41,748 -What do you think of this? -You're still a disappointment. 289 00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,883 (shouts) 290 00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:45,418 NARRATOR: But if Lisa was innocent, 291 00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:48,755 why was she so reluctant to explain her whereabouts 292 00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:50,257 at the time of the crime? 293 00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:53,693 Shut up about my Lisa! I can tell you where she was. 294 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,228 -She was... -Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup! 295 00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,430 Mom! Mom! No! Err! 296 00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,566 Apparently, some of the girls at school were... 297 00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:02,735 Let's just say I stole the money, okay? End of documentary. 298 00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:04,737 See you at the Independent Spirit Awards. 299 00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:07,274 I took her to her hopscotch tutor. 300 00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,542 LISA: I was hanging on by a thread, 301 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,945 and now the whole world will joke about 302 00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:16,883 how I am the only girl who ever needed a hopscotch tutor. 303 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,818 Lisa, just repeat after me. 304 00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:21,221 One foot, two foot, one foot, one foot, two foot, one foot, 305 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,455 two foot, one foot... 306 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:26,059 So stupid. Who invented this game? 307 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:29,896 The Scotch invented hopscotch and Scotch tape! 308 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,932 -What about scotch whiskey? -Never heard of it. 309 00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:35,635 See, I told you, all innocent. 310 00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:38,605 So maybe now you vultures can leave us be. 311 00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,340 NARRATOR: We've taken up enough of your time. 312 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:41,574 Let's go, guys. 313 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,610 ♪ 314 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,417 What are you doing? My family's in the clear. 315 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:53,653 I want you to apologize to my wife! 316 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,489 NARRATOR: Apologize? (chuckles) Us? 317 00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,525 Oh, you will, and you know why? 318 00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:03,130 I am the last person that watches network television, 319 00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:06,633 including the commercials. 320 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,168 (grunts) 321 00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:09,536 I apologize. 322 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,038 MARGE: Now promise that this scene 323 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,839 will not be removed in editing. 324 00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:15,508 I can't promise that, only the editor can. 325 00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,510 -I got him. -I'm gonna report you 326 00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,979 to the American Cinema Editors. 327 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:22,149 (scoffs) It's just an honorary society. 328 00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,517 You take that back! 329 00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:30,123 Whew. What a relief. So who did do it? 330 00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:32,959 It was obviously Bart. It's always Bart. 331 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,895 Hey, nothing is my fault 'cause Dad raised me so rotten. 332 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,965 Well, nothing is my fault 'cause my dad raised me so rotten. 333 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,201 Don't blame me. 334 00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:44,003 It was a race out the door and your mother won. 335 00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:45,805 -Oh, yeah? -It was Bart! 336 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:49,176 -(overlapping arguing) -Goes to show how irresponsible you are! 337 00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:51,178 Shut up, all you innocent people. 338 00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,012 I wish I was never responsible for you. 339 00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,747 Stop it, stop it! 340 00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:57,016 You're tearing this family apart. 341 00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:59,819 And stop calling the sofa a love seat! 342 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,588 I barely like it! 343 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:04,824 NARRATOR: The great Simpson Robbery remains unsolved. 344 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,026 Justice may never be served, 345 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:10,029 but at the end of the day, what matters is that we enjoyed 346 00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:11,998 watching bad things happen to human beings 347 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,400 who aren't us. 348 00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:16,069 Ah! Help, Mother. 349 00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,106 (Ralph humming) 350 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,175 (Lisa groans) 351 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,576 WIGGUM: You try not to dwell 352 00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:25,178 on your innumerable failures. 353 00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:28,047 Instead, you stare out to sea and try to look like 354 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:30,083 you're thinking deep thoughts. 355 00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:32,018 Just like this. 356 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,287 Yeah. 357 00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:35,588 You got what you need? 358 00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:37,724 'Cause I got an itch, I got to scratch it. 359 00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,963 Now let's celebrate. 360 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:45,798 We got through a documentary looking better 361 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,066 than before it started. 362 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,669 Nobody's done that since André the Giant. 363 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,973 Homer Simpson, you'll leave a ring. 364 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:57,043 Ta-da! A snap-on coaster. 365 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,378 Nifty, huh? 366 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,213 What the...? Where'd you get this thing? 367 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,715 I invented it. 368 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,318 How many of these things did you have made? 369 00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:08,255 A thousand. I wanted to start a business. 370 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:12,392 A thousand, huh? That must've been expensive. 371 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:16,163 That's what I thought, but it was only 65 cents apiece. 372 00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:19,999 So 650 bucks total? 373 00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:22,135 When did you get so good at your timeses? 374 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:25,972 (gasps) It was you, but the whole time you denied it. 375 00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:27,740 It was always you! 376 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:30,910 (sobbing) I-I can explain. 377 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,912 No! No explanation. 378 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,447 Kids, get in here! 379 00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:37,684 For once in this marriage, you did the wrong thing. 380 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,519 I am going to savor this. 381 00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:44,257 I am gonna wait until I do something wrong, and then... 382 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:45,758 Okay, we're even. 383 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,960 Well, let me just explain why. 384 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:51,164 Every day, you go out to your friends, to Moe's. 385 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,132 Life to you is an adventure. 386 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,968 And I had an idea, an idea for something 387 00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,505 that might make me somebody. 388 00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:01,341 But I admit it, I was gambling, 389 00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:02,975 on myself. 390 00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:05,378 (sobbing): I understand, honey. 391 00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:08,315 I completely understand. 392 00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:10,950 (both sobbing) 393 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:13,720 -What's going on? -Well, Lisa, 394 00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:16,556 -I'm afraid I have to say... -Lisa, I just want you to know 395 00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:20,727 your mother's about to say that the money was eaten by rats. 396 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,330 -But... -How did rats get inside the can? 397 00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:25,465 Uh... Grampa left it open. 398 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:29,035 Oh, why do they blame everything around here on me? 399 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:31,170 -(microwave dings) -Oh, good, the cat's done. 400 00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:35,141 Marge, I'd like to take a walk with the greatest woman ever. 401 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,743 Oh. 402 00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:40,580 From that moment on, Homer and I had never been closer. 403 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,015 HOMER: We shared a dark secret. 404 00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:45,017 It was so sexy. 405 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:46,753 (both moaning) 406 00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:49,021 Marge, I have a secret, too. 407 00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,891 (whispers): I'm losing my hair. 408 00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,232 "The Great Simpson Robbery remains unsol..." 409 00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:01,734 W-Wait, what do you mean unsolved? 410 00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,936 (stammers) What the hell is this? 411 00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:06,839 My public expects me to solve the mystery, Bob. 412 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,842 It's not like we can just change the format of the show. 413 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,778 You just read the copy. 414 00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,013 Our viewers want one thing, it's simple: 415 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,749 solve the freakin' crime, be told who did it. 416 00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:18,851 (hoarsely): And I am the soothing voice, 417 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,620 -the reassuring voice that-- Ah! -(pop) 418 00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,221 (quietly): Did you hear that? Oh, my God, 419 00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:25,191 I snapped my right vocal cord-- that's the dulcet one. 420 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,594 Quick! Prep him for cord transplant. 421 00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,762 ♪ 422 00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:31,030 We don't have a human donor. 423 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,333 All we have is the vocal cord of a sheep. 424 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,606 And I'm (bleating): ba-a-ack. 425 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:42,942 He has an unbelievable work ethic for a voice-over actor. 426 00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:30,723 Shh!