1 00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:06,473 What, too soon? 2 00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:12,346 (exclaims) 3 00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:20,153 (school bell rings) 4 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:22,556 (belches) 5 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,492 (work whistle blows) 6 00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:27,361 Aah! 7 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,734 (scanner beeps) 8 00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:37,137 (tires screech) 9 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,908 D'oh! 10 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:42,676 (grunts) 11 00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:46,680 Avast there. 12 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,982 It be too late to alter course, matey. 13 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,019 And there be pirates lurking in every cove. 14 00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:53,020 Get to the ride. 15 00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:54,388 (all screaming) 16 00:00:56,523 --> 00:00:58,625 Did they get a picture? 17 00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:09,102 Welcome to our first‐ever night of dramatic scenes 18 00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:11,071 written by our students. 19 00:01:11,138 --> 00:01:14,341 Should we silence our cell phones and pagers? 20 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,943 No, no, no, please, I beg you, leave them on. 21 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:18,111 An‐And here‐here's some candy to unwrap. 22 00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:20,180 (audience exclaiming) 23 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:24,084 And now, an new scene from the CW's Riverdale. 24 00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:25,953 (students cheer) 25 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:28,989 Jughead, there's been a murder at Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe 26 00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:31,391 and it's up to us kids to solve it. 27 00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:33,393 I can't deal with that right now. 28 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,963 My dad's in jail and the only way to get him out 29 00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,965 is to try drugs. 30 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:41,068 We're both pregnant with Big Moose's babies. 31 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,974 Wait. So this is a play based on a YouTube 32 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,409 of kids playing a video game? 33 00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:51,979 ‐That's right. ‐(scoffs) It's about time. 34 00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:54,915 Okay, to get their chug jugs, I could snipe these guys out 35 00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:58,085 one by one, but the smarter move is to plant a charge 36 00:01:58,151 --> 00:01:59,886 at the base of their attack platform 37 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,688 and skull‐splat 'em when they land. 38 00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:03,957 Hey, guys, if you want more game hacks like this, 39 00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:07,794 be sure to smash our like button and subscribe to our channel. 40 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,364 Up next, night vision fails. 41 00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:11,832 How is this a play? 42 00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:13,333 Well, sir, video game walk‐throughs 43 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,136 are the only narrative most of these kids have been exposed to. 44 00:02:16,203 --> 00:02:18,905 ‐This is their Becket. ‐BOTH: Who? 45 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,874 Are you Terry Bradshaw? 46 00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:24,011 No. It's, uh, Donny Osmond. 47 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:26,246 Boner. Boner from Growing Pains. 48 00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:29,349 (distorted): You're all wrong. My real identity is... 49 00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:30,884 Flavor Flav! 50 00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:33,387 Flavor Flav? I've heard of you. 51 00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:35,222 I've heard of you so much. 52 00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:38,859 I am such a huge fan of your movies, books, or music. 53 00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:41,094 I can also pretend to be impressed. 54 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,562 ALL: The end. 55 00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:43,764 (scattered applause) 56 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,299 Wake up. Lisa's next. 57 00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:49,636 Oh, no, please. I'm having the best dream. 58 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:52,439 I was in my warm, cozy grave. 59 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:55,776 Well, I'm gonna dream about me in a soft, cuddly crypt. 60 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:59,379 ‐Yeah... ‐Ah... 61 00:02:59,446 --> 00:03:02,315 Amazingly, this next piece is not based on something 62 00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:04,017 you watch on your phone or a gas pump, 63 00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:06,053 but is actually an honest‐to‐goodness play, 64 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,955 by Lisa "Thank God You're a Throwback" Simpson. 65 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,290 And so I give you 66 00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,926 Long Day's Journey Into Light Beer. 67 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:15,896 Where's my beer, Marjorie? 68 00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:19,700 I spent all day making sure this beer was cold. 69 00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:23,236 Aah! I make bad choices. 70 00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:25,205 Lisa's really nailed the Hibberts. 71 00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:26,640 (chuckles) 72 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,909 Uh, yo, dude, my catchphrases 73 00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:31,978 are as outdated as my slingshot. 74 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,447 Ay, caramba! 75 00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:36,783 Oh, Mom, it's so hard being a straight‐A student 76 00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,953 with a social conscience who writes amazing plays. 77 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,422 The only stable thing in this house is you, 78 00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:44,958 making every day the same as the last. 79 00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:46,860 Exactly the same. 80 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,862 Like the coffee maker says, 81 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,630 things will perk up. 82 00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:52,866 I thought you were the coffee maker. 83 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,268 You can learn a lot from percolators. 84 00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:57,971 Make the most of the daily grind. 85 00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:01,041 The mother character is such a snooze. 86 00:04:01,108 --> 00:04:03,076 Ralph has nothing to play against. 87 00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,078 (gasps) They think I'm boring. 88 00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:07,280 (gasps) This play is about us! 89 00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:10,417 Today I decided to be a race car driver, 90 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:12,452 so I was, then I quit. 91 00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:14,921 I also have exciting news. 92 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,923 I converted four soap slivers 93 00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:19,326 into practically a new bar. 94 00:04:19,392 --> 00:04:22,295 Is this how the world sees me‐‐ as a... 95 00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:24,498 How do the kids say lame‐o these days? 96 00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:26,767 We say lame‐o, you lame‐o. 97 00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,836 Suck, suck. And I felt like the ghost 98 00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:31,471 belonging to the fog. 99 00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:34,040 And the fog was the ghost of the sea. 100 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,642 Suck, suck. 101 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,711 (cheering) 102 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,514 (indistinct chatter) 103 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,550 You really think I'm that boring? 104 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,052 Lisa, you made someone feel sad, 105 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:49,356 which is not what a drama about a family is supposed to do. 106 00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:51,091 Marge, could we get a picture? 107 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:52,893 Okay. 108 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,995 ‐(yawns) ‐(shutter clicks) 109 00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:58,899 So all the generations... 110 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,034 Boring. They think I'm boring. 111 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,869 I'll show them who's boring. 112 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:06,339 Now, this morning, Marge Simpson has insistently volunteered 113 00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:07,674 to read a passage. 114 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:10,477 She says she's gonna bring her own spin to it. 115 00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:11,545 (humming a tune) 116 00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:14,881 Now, a reading from John, 18:38, 117 00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:17,350 between Pontius Pilate and Jesus. 118 00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:19,019 (quietly): Marge! Marge! Marge! 119 00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:20,887 (exaggerated Italian accent): Hey‐a Jesus, 120 00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,088 what's a matter for you? 121 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,723 You saying youse a king? 122 00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:27,160 (normal voice) He was Roman, that's why I'm doing the accent. 123 00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:28,895 (man coughs) 124 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:32,933 Anyhoo, Jesus answered, and I think it might have gone 125 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,601 something like this. 126 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,937 (imitating Jackie Mason): I'm not a king, I'm a carpenter. 127 00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:38,338 A Jewish carpenter. 128 00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:41,107 The only thing I nail are my SATs. 129 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,343 So then, Pontius says to the elders, 130 00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:46,947 "This‐a Jesus, he‐a look like a nice‐a guy." 131 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,748 Nobody talk‐a like‐a that. 132 00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:50,183 I make a nice‐a sentence. 133 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,552 Just like‐a Mama used to construct. 134 00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:56,089 ‐Oh... ‐Can we just hear Lovejoy's sermon, please? 135 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,591 Yeah, Marge, read the room. 136 00:05:57,657 --> 00:05:59,192 Mm... 137 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,829 You need this more than we do, lady. 138 00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:17,010 Boring. That's what this straight‐A Girl Scout 139 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,879 has become‐‐ boring. 140 00:06:18,945 --> 00:06:20,780 (thunder crashes) 141 00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:22,682 (screaming) 142 00:06:22,749 --> 00:06:25,919 (gasps) You just had a near‐death experience. 143 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,120 That's exciting. 144 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:30,290 Whoo! What a rich life you lead, Mom. 145 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,159 I'm going to bed. 146 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,463 That will really turn around your boring reputation. 147 00:06:36,529 --> 00:06:38,598 Shh. 148 00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,667 (grunting) 149 00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,680 (snoring) 150 00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:02,022 (sighs) Don't worry, Homer, I'll chop the wood. 151 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,490 Like always. 152 00:07:03,556 --> 00:07:05,725 I have to do everything. (grunts) 153 00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:07,093 Even chop the trees. 154 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,829 (grunting) 155 00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:11,131 ‐Hyah! ‐Whoa! 156 00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:12,899 ‐Hyah! ‐(chuckles) 157 00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,501 Hyah! 158 00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:17,938 Mmm. I know where she can put that chopping to good use. 159 00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:19,439 Homer's neck? 160 00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,742 No. He doesn't have one. Something better. 161 00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:27,280 Lower your right hand. Gives you more power. 162 00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:29,749 Hmm. 163 00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:31,284 Thanks, um... 164 00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:32,953 Paula. Friend of Patty's. 165 00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:34,654 We met at Burning Woman. 166 00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:35,922 Nice job on that wood. 167 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,624 HOMER (weakly): I helped. 168 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:39,693 Yeah, you helped, all right. 169 00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:41,828 You helped that hammock kiss the ground. 170 00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,296 (weakly): D'oh. 171 00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:44,998 Marge, I don't know if you know this, 172 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,567 but I'm a top‐level contender at Timbersports. 173 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,135 That's so interesting. 174 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,705 How does it feel to be magnificent? 175 00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:52,939 I'll show you. 176 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,809 ♪ The only card I need is the ace of spades ♪ 177 00:07:55,875 --> 00:07:57,911 ♪ The ace of spades. ♪ 178 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,814 (chain saw buzzing) 179 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,949 That is a fascinating hobby. 180 00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,585 (sighs) Timbersports is more than a hobby. 181 00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:08,355 It's an unpaid passion that you do in your spare time. 182 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,690 Now, we're going to the woods. 183 00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:14,561 (breathes deeply) Ah. 184 00:08:14,627 --> 00:08:16,129 ‐What are you doing? ‐Breathing. 185 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:18,698 Breathing for the first time in my life. 186 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,267 Ah. 187 00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,337 Can I do one thing 188 00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,039 for the knots in your shoulders? 189 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,007 Sure. 190 00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:29,142 Aah... Ooh, ooh! Ooh! 191 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:32,379 Not so... Oh. 192 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,914 Now, to motivate your chopping, 193 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:38,385 think of things that make you mad. 194 00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:41,021 Oh, nothing really makes me mad. 195 00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:44,257 Mom, Lisa won't stay on her side of the thought bubble. 196 00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:45,825 (both grunting) 197 00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:49,562 You have five seconds to live. (grunts) 198 00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:52,399 So do you, idiot. We're in the same bubble. 199 00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:54,267 My final words are Lisa sucks! 200 00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,969 (grunting) 201 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,139 She's a natural. 202 00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:01,241 ♪ ♪ 203 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:05,078 ♪ I walked into the forest ♪ 204 00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:07,847 ♪ So beautiful and green ♪ 205 00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:09,482 ♪ And there I saw a woman ♪ 206 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,685 ♪ Who was chopping down a tree ♪ 207 00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:15,055 ♪ The sawdust was flyin' ♪ 208 00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:17,624 ♪ She was spinnin' on a log ♪ 209 00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:19,626 ♪ On her waist was strapped a tool belt ♪ 210 00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:23,263 ♪ With a Black & Decker saw ♪ 211 00:09:23,329 --> 00:09:25,865 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 212 00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:28,601 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 213 00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:30,870 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 214 00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:33,473 ♪ With Lumberjill ♪ 215 00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:36,109 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 216 00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,745 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 217 00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:41,214 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 218 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:45,218 ♪ With Lumberjill. ♪ 219 00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:49,489 Ooh, ooh... 220 00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:52,525 Ooh, ooh... 221 00:09:58,164 --> 00:09:59,866 I'm Chip Bunyan, eh, and welcome 222 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,502 to the Springfield Timbersports Pro‐Am. 223 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:05,972 I'm here with former NBA analyst Anger Watkins. 224 00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:09,476 Timbersports. Timber sports? 225 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:13,146 I snap one P. A.'s bra strap, and this is where I land? 226 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,982 Who is the Lebron of this thing? No one will tell me. 227 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,684 His name is Matt Cogar. 228 00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,486 Is his nickname The Cougar? 229 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,454 No, his nickname is Matt. 230 00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:22,722 Matt isn't a nickname. 231 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,324 It's a name name. 232 00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:26,559 (stammers) I'd storm out of here right now 233 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,761 if I weren't so terrified of squirrels. 234 00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:30,530 Take my money! Take it! 235 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:33,032 I'm glad Mom's found a passion, 236 00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:35,268 but I wish she didn't have to kill all those trees. 237 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:38,071 I read that trees are the cause of global warming. 238 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,939 Where'd you read that? 239 00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,942 ‐My new fourth grade science book. ‐(grumbles) 240 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,346 (whistles) 241 00:10:46,412 --> 00:10:48,882 (all grunting) 242 00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:52,085 And they're off, displaying lots of forest gumption, eh? 243 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,586 First we have Nelson Muntz. 244 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:57,357 He's ten years old, but, man, is it a hard ten. 245 00:10:57,423 --> 00:10:59,959 (grunting) 246 00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:03,897 (slurring): Hey. That's my boy. 247 00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:07,233 He gets his pole skills from his mama. 248 00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:15,241 Oh! Marge Simpson takes the lead! 249 00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:19,212 No one saw this coming, because no one was watching. 250 00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:23,016 (stammers) What could possibly be her motivation? 251 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,419 I'm not boring! 252 00:11:27,453 --> 00:11:29,155 (growls) 253 00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:31,991 ‐Woo‐hoo! ‐Yay! 254 00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:36,396 You magnificent she‐beast. 255 00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:39,332 All our sweaty passion and grunting 256 00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:40,967 paid off. 257 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,836 Now's the time I should tell you. Paula is gay. 258 00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:46,606 Aw. She made a friend. 259 00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:49,108 You've made me a new woman. 260 00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:51,110 Oh. Should I be concerned? 261 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:54,614 It's no weirder than that time our knees touched under the bar. 262 00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,149 You still think about that? 263 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,318 Every day. 264 00:11:58,384 --> 00:11:59,652 (humming a tune) 265 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,956 Aw. I haven't been this happy in a long time. 266 00:12:03,022 --> 00:12:06,626 You were great, but I have a question. 267 00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:08,461 Do you want to take it to the next level? 268 00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:09,729 What do you mean? 269 00:12:09,796 --> 00:12:11,931 Will you ride the blade with me? 270 00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:14,801 You know, help me bow the jagged‐toothed fiddle? 271 00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:16,069 I don't understand. 272 00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:18,504 Draw and drag the sequoia widow‐maker. 273 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:21,007 You're gonna have to tell me what you're talking about. 274 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:24,510 Will you be my partner on the double‐ended bucksaw? 275 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,113 You really think that I have what it takes? 276 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,414 I know you do. 277 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:30,483 But if we do this, 278 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:33,319 you'll have to train with me for a month, in Portland. 279 00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:36,956 A month? Oh, no, I can't leave Homer that long. 280 00:12:37,023 --> 00:12:38,491 ♪ ♪ 281 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,695 (thunder crashes) 282 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,198 (screaming) 283 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:57,243 Oh. Fantasies can be good? 284 00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,646 (humming a tune) 285 00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:01,914 Good to have you back. 286 00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:03,916 (humming) 287 00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:06,953 (yawns) Boy, am I beat. 288 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,955 Homie, I feel like 289 00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:11,491 I'm my very best self in these competitions. 290 00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:13,026 You are, honey. 291 00:13:13,092 --> 00:13:16,963 In a way I could never make you feel or comprehend. 292 00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,498 Paula wants me to train with her. 293 00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:19,966 If I do, I'll be gone for a month. 294 00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:22,902 A month? We've never been apart that long. 295 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,338 I miss you when we're separated in a revolving door. 296 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,874 I miss you when I'm putting a sweater over my head. 297 00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:30,143 I miss you when I close my eyes during a sneeze. 298 00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:32,912 I miss you when the clock springs ahead an hour. 299 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,014 We'll never get that time back. 300 00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:37,317 Homer, do you really want me to stay, 301 00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:39,819 knowing how much I need this 302 00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:41,921 to feel good about myself? 303 00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:43,389 Yes, I do. 304 00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:45,325 ‐(grumbles) ‐What? What? 305 00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:48,127 Where you going? She might leave and never come back. 306 00:13:48,194 --> 00:13:50,129 Just like the McRib. 307 00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:52,298 (crying) 308 00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:01,974 ♪ You feel it all ♪ 309 00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:04,811 ♪ Around yourself. ♪ 310 00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:07,080 (thunder crashes) 311 00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,552 Oh. I forgot to unlock the door. 312 00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:14,854 God, how insulting to people. 313 00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:16,923 So nervous about seeing your mother. 314 00:14:16,989 --> 00:14:18,925 Let's just enjoy Portland. 315 00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:21,194 I mean, I can't believe we've never been here before. 316 00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:23,863 Indigenous artworks, craft breweries, 317 00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,231 independent movie theaters‐‐ 318 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,700 and that's just in one coffee shop. 319 00:14:31,137 --> 00:14:32,872 (gasps) Comic Book Guy? 320 00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:34,874 Yes, I often come here to recharge. 321 00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:37,910 In Portland I'm quirky, rather than objectionable. 322 00:14:37,977 --> 00:14:39,145 Do you sell comic books here? 323 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,914 No. Marijuana. And artisanal salami. 324 00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:43,950 Laced with marijuana. 325 00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:45,351 (acoustic Simpsons theme playing) 326 00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:57,196 Stupid Flanders Street. 327 00:14:58,264 --> 00:14:59,966 Okay, this is where your mom is. 328 00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:01,234 Help me get her back. 329 00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:04,404 Please help me get her back. 330 00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:07,473 Ooh. Hello, Nicolas Cage. 331 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:08,808 (growls) 332 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:11,310 Dad, she's gonna know that's not your real hair. 333 00:15:11,377 --> 00:15:14,614 You've got to have a modicum of faith in who you are. 334 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,115 It's a snap. 335 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:19,619 Cool. 336 00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:21,888 ‐(knocking on door) ‐Welcome, new friend, 337 00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:23,256 whoever you are. 338 00:15:23,322 --> 00:15:25,057 Homie! 339 00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:26,893 You're here a day early. 340 00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:28,895 BOTH: Mom! 341 00:15:28,961 --> 00:15:32,198 Mm. Oh, I've missed you all so much. 342 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,033 How are you guys? 343 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,836 Oh! We were, of course, unraveling. 344 00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:40,106 Bart, Lisa, your grampa is taking good care of you. 345 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:41,874 ‐(meows) ‐Now where's the baby? 346 00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:45,878 Aw. Good girl. 347 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,347 Um, I like what you're wearing. 348 00:15:48,414 --> 00:15:50,783 Thank you. These are locally‐sourced dungarees 349 00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:52,518 and Pendleton flannel. 350 00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:55,555 It's what Jill Sobule wore when she played the Crystal Ballroom. 351 00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,557 (gasps) Jill Sobule? 352 00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:01,127 Like every other place we go, I love Portland. 353 00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:03,429 So much, I want to leave Springfield 354 00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,965 until I find out something bad that makes me realize 355 00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:08,100 that there's no place like home. 356 00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:10,870 Now, now, your mother has not settled in here. 357 00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:12,371 PAULA: Welcome. 358 00:16:12,438 --> 00:16:15,341 These are our pugs: Nike and Swoosh. 359 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:16,676 BOTH: Mwah. 360 00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:34,894 Marjorie, could you and I have a word in the backyard? 361 00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:36,829 Don't you see what's happening here? 362 00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:39,398 ‐You're married. ‐Yes, I know. 363 00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:42,835 ‐To you. ‐No, to her. Look around. 364 00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:45,371 You're married in the two most important ways there are: 365 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,907 emotionally and cooking. 366 00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:50,409 (chuckles): Oh. That's ridiculous. 367 00:16:50,476 --> 00:16:52,912 (quietly): You're fostering pugs. 368 00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:55,047 ‐They remind me of you. ‐Aw. 369 00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:57,717 But I am upset. I'm finally good at something 370 00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,785 and you have to be jealous. 371 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,954 Marge, sweetie, I'm really proud of you. 372 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,456 I'm not jealous or mad. 373 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:06,125 It's just... when are you coming home? 374 00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,995 Tomorrow, after the competition. 375 00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:10,830 Woo‐hoo! I win. 376 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:13,065 ‐Not that I was nervous. ‐(phone vibrating) 377 00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,872 Unless we win, in which case, 378 00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,375 I might stay and prep for the finals. 379 00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:25,177 Marge, I've backed you in this from day one. 380 00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,879 No, you haven't. Not a bit. 381 00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:29,448 Then it's too late to start now. 382 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,622 Oh, I'm sitting in a bar 383 00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:39,425 and my wife's in love with a female lumberjack. 384 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,360 Classic Portland. Where are you from? 385 00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:42,862 Springfield. 386 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:45,498 ‐Which one? Oregon? ‐I don't know. 387 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,600 ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Grizzly Timbersports 388 00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,602 Northwest Championship Finals, 389 00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,604 brought to you by no one. 390 00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:52,905 Still looking. 391 00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:56,943 Marge and Paula are in control. 392 00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,178 I am falling in love with this sport. 393 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,681 And when I fall, I fall hard. 394 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,950 I'm taking you home with me. 395 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,017 (chitters) 396 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,753 Hold the Stella, fella. 397 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:10,890 Carol "Oak" Connor and Rachel "The Pine" Cohen 398 00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,925 have taken command. 399 00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:14,727 ♪ ♪ 400 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:17,530 I can't be silent anymore. Let me through. 401 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,332 ‐Eh. ‐There's plenty of room. 402 00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:21,634 ‐Marge, I was a lumber‐jerk. ‐(grunting) 403 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,502 I'm only happy if you're happy. 404 00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:25,504 Our love is like an old tree. 405 00:18:25,571 --> 00:18:29,241 If you cut it down, it grows back stronger. 406 00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:30,943 (quietly): Um, that's not how trees work. 407 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:34,347 Well, according to my book, it is. 408 00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:36,048 (grunting) 409 00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:40,019 ‐Yay! All right. ‐(cheering) 410 00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:41,821 I love this sport! 411 00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:45,858 And maybe now I can love my lumberjack son. 412 00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,660 (crying) 413 00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,862 Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion 414 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:53,399 and winner of a Bass Pro Shops $50 gift card, 415 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,667 Marge Simpson. 416 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:58,037 ‐(exclaims) ‐All right, champ! 417 00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,805 See you in the showers. 418 00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:02,842 Congratulations, Paula. You won. 419 00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:05,478 Enjoy the hell out of her. 420 00:19:05,544 --> 00:19:08,481 Homer, what is it you think that I've won? 421 00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:10,182 With me, Marge is a good woman. 422 00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:13,919 With you, Marge is a great woman with two awesome dogs. 423 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,688 I'm not interested in Marge. 424 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,524 ‐I have a wife and a kid. ‐You have a wife? 425 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:20,793 She's in Tokyo, training for the Olympics. 426 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,628 She dances... 427 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:23,929 with the ribbons? 428 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,431 I don't know what it's called. 429 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,733 So you're not breaking us up? 430 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,336 No. I mean, I'll miss her on the other end of the bucksaw, 431 00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:34,040 and I'll really miss that $80 grand prize money, 432 00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,976 but she's welcome to come up here and train any time. 433 00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:39,645 I am so grateful. I want to do something for you. 434 00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:40,980 If you'd like another kid, 435 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:43,849 I am more than happy to offer up my sperm. 436 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:45,918 That's very kind, but... 437 00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,920 No really, I've always wanted to have a kid 438 00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:49,889 with no responsibilities. 439 00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:51,657 All right. You're in the top three. 440 00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:54,727 It's you, the track star or the Harvard professor. 441 00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:55,995 Oh, I get it. 442 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:57,830 Instead of sperm, would you like semen? 443 00:19:57,897 --> 00:20:00,933 ‐They're the same thing. ‐They are? Uh‐oh. 444 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,935 Oh, it still feels weird. 445 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:04,904 I don't know what to say to her. 446 00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:06,205 (whispers indistinctly) 447 00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:09,075 I never would've thought of that. 448 00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:11,077 Honey, would you like to come home? 449 00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:13,312 Aw. Okay. 450 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:19,652 Your daddy loves you, sweetie. He wants to make sure 451 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,588 you're always a strong, confident little lady. 452 00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,990 So I went out and got you this. 453 00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:27,393 Mwah. 454 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,763 (buzzes) 455 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:33,833 Aw, her baby head fell out. 456 00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:36,769 You'll be getting a visit from the Head Fairy. 457 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:37,770 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 458 00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:38,771 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 459 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,139 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 460 00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:41,373 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 461 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,976 ♪ I walked out of the forest ♪ 462 00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:46,345 ♪ Before we said goodbye ♪ 463 00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:49,348 ♪ The birds were all a‐singing ♪ 464 00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,350 ♪ As she pointed to the sky ♪ 465 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:54,353 ♪ She said, "Can't you see the rainbow? ♪ 466 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,289 ♪ They made it just for you" ♪ 467 00:20:57,356 --> 00:20:59,191 ♪ She handed me her toolbox ♪ 468 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,961 ♪ Said, "Now you know what to do" ♪ 469 00:21:02,027 --> 00:21:04,830 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 470 00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:07,600 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 471 00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:10,269 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 472 00:21:10,336 --> 00:21:12,972 ♪ With Lumberjill ♪ 473 00:21:13,038 --> 00:21:15,007 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 474 00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:17,676 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 475 00:21:17,743 --> 00:21:20,379 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 476 00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:23,983 ♪ With Lumberjill. ♪ 477 00:21:24,049 --> 00:21:26,051 Shh!