1
00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:03,370
("Deck the Halls" playing)
2
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:05,305
Ho, ho, ho!
3
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:16,049
D'oh! Ho, ho!
4
00:00:16,116 --> 00:00:18,118
♪ ♪
5
00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:23,857
(caws)
6
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:26,927
And now to order
my Christmas gifts
7
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,328
with plenty of time.
8
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:48,882
(tires screech)
9
00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:55,489
Hmm. UPS tracking says
my packages just arrived.
10
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,391
All I have to do is look down.
11
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,260
D'ah!
12
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:02,129
Who could've done this? Who?
13
00:01:02,195 --> 00:01:04,131
♪ Ding‐dong, merrily on high ♪
14
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:07,301
♪ In heaven the bells
are ringing ♪
15
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:09,603
♪ Ding‐dong, Bart is gonna die ♪
16
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:12,773
♪ His little neck
I'm stringing. ♪
17
00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:14,575
(sinister laughter)
18
00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:15,943
Hmm. Needs tinsel
19
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:19,379
to reflect
the horror in Bart's eyes.
20
00:01:21,214 --> 00:01:22,349
(doorbell rings)
21
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:25,552
Oh, a visitor. Coming.
22
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:30,457
Ahoy! Are there any lonely
lighthouse keepers abaft here?
23
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,793
(sighing): Oh, hello, Cassandra.
24
00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:36,396
Surprise! I made you muffins.
25
00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:38,031
You want to know a secret?
26
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,200
I used two sticks of butter.
27
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:42,636
Do you have any
deep dark secrets?
28
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,972
♪ ♪
29
00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:47,207
(grunting)
30
00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:50,243
(groaning)
31
00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,451
Merry Christmas, Father!
32
00:01:57,517 --> 00:01:58,952
(chuckles) Stay out of trouble.
33
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,420
(wind gusting)
34
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,193
Nope. No secrets.
35
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:08,261
So, have you ever
thought about children?
36
00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:12,065
Missed me! Missed me!
Now you gotta kiss me!
37
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,533
(kissing)
38
00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:17,537
Oh, if you'll excuse me,
39
00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:20,474
my gimbals need
a good whale oiling.
40
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:21,475
‐Ta!
‐Oh,
41
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,243
you might get
some other visitors.
42
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,312
I mentioned you in town today.
43
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:28,749
You told people about me?
What did you tell them?! What?!
44
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:31,284
That you had kind eyes,
a beautiful voice,
45
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:32,753
and no wedding ring.
46
00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:36,289
‐There he is!
‐(gasps)
47
00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:38,525
I was a fool to let
my guard down with a woman
48
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:41,294
who runs a seaward‐aiming
Fresnel lens!
49
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:45,232
From hell's heart
I stab at thee!
50
00:02:45,298 --> 00:02:48,135
Oh, my God. Just listen to that
mellifluous baritone.
51
00:02:48,201 --> 00:02:49,803
He's perfect for the role.
52
00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:51,705
Role? Role?
53
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,807
You're offering me
an acting job?
54
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:57,277
Yes! It's to play Santa Claus
at a small amusement park.
55
00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:02,215
Oh, what the hell.
It is the lead. I'm in!
56
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,585
Dinner is served.
57
00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:07,788
("Carol of the Bells" playing)
58
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,456
♪ ♪
59
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:18,265
Hey, let's see
what's on your tag.
60
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:20,400
"Cadaver‐sniffing dog"?!
61
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:23,136
Ah, that's another job
I didn't get.
62
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,444
(tires screech)
63
00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:33,547
It's gone.
My porch repair kit is gone!
64
00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:36,717
(blowing forcefully)
65
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:42,489
(breathing heavily)
66
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:43,924
(engine running)
67
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:47,060
D'oh!
68
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:52,466
(grunting)
A little help!
69
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:53,667
(chuckling)
70
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,503
Another crafts project
gone out of hand?
71
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,372
‐Yes.
‐If you're not tied up tomorrow,
72
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:01,108
I took the day off from work.
73
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:04,911
I was thinking we could watch
an R‐rated movie.
74
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:09,249
Finally, the sexy story
of Tony Roma's ribs.
75
00:04:09,316 --> 00:04:12,285
But tomorrow I promised the kids
I'd take them out of school.
76
00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:14,254
It can be our family day.
77
00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:15,355
Yawn.
78
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:16,790
We'll go to Santa's Village.
79
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:19,926
Oh, I hate that place.
It's so crowded at Christmas.
80
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:21,995
And the giant candy canes
are not real.
81
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,930
But they are electrified!
82
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:26,533
Well, we're going
and taking the kids.
83
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,703
Why couldn't that be me?
84
00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:34,474
‐Homer!
‐Oh...
85
00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:35,909
(horns honking)
86
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:41,615
♪ Baby shark,
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
87
00:04:41,681 --> 00:04:43,750
♪ Baby shark, doo‐doo‐
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
88
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:46,086
‐♪ Baby shark,
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
‐Oh, God, I'm so sick of this.
89
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:48,388
‐Thing just keeps
going on and on.
‐♪ Baby shark, Mommy shark ♪
90
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,423
‐♪ Doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
‐I don't want to hear a shark
91
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,425
‐or "baby" or "doo" ever again.
‐♪ Mommy shark,
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
92
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,427
‐♪ Mommy shark,
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
‐Marge, you traitor!
93
00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:57,197
‐It's so catchy.
‐♪ Mommy shark, Daddy shark,
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
94
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:58,565
Oh, what the hell.
95
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,801
ALL: ♪ Daddy shark,
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
96
00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:02,936
♪ Daddy shark,
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
97
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,104
♪ Daddy shark. ♪
98
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:06,173
Play this at my funeral!
99
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:13,280
(grinding)
100
00:05:13,346 --> 00:05:15,315
Why do the low‐budget parks
we go to
101
00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:18,318
have so many white trash idiots?
102
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:20,153
Oh! Boy, that's good.
103
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,855
Why? Why?
104
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,490
Well, I'm getting
right in line for Santa.
105
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:34,267
Eight hours to see
a fat lazy drunk‐o?
106
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,003
I came to this park
to get away from one.
107
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,539
Wow. Even Chanukah Hollow
is packed.
108
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:42,042
("I Have a Little Dreidel"
playing)
109
00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:43,944
Check out the Dreidel Casino.
110
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,848
Come on, gimmel, gimmel, gimmel!
111
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:49,749
Ah, shin again!
112
00:05:49,816 --> 00:05:50,951
I thought this would be
113
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,253
the one part of Judaism
I'm good at.
114
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,488
(chuckles)
115
00:05:55,555 --> 00:05:56,556
(groans)
116
00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:58,291
Typical.
117
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:01,728
The one ride is a stupid,
boring kiddie ride.
118
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,397
At least you get to have fun.
119
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,636
(ominous music playing)
120
00:06:12,772 --> 00:06:14,908
(cackling)
121
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:18,545
♪ It's a scary place
in the world outside ♪
122
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:22,249
♪ Gnomes are watching you,
so you'd best not cry ♪
123
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:24,417
♪ Don't display any fear,
this we know ♪
124
00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:26,253
♪ Yes, it's clear,
all our eyes ♪
125
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:29,456
♪ Are watching you ♪
126
00:06:29,522 --> 00:06:32,292
♪ It's a scary place
in the world outside ♪
127
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:36,296
♪ Gnomes are watching you,
so you'd best not cry ♪
128
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:39,432
♪ Don't display any fear,
this we know, yes, it's clear ♪
129
00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:43,737
♪ All our eyes
are watching you. ♪
130
00:06:43,803 --> 00:06:45,538
(camera clicks)
131
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,009
Hey, buddy, thanks
for saving me a spot.
132
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:51,311
Bart, you cut the bullies.
133
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,779
(grunts)
134
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,448
In this situation,
we assign equal blame
135
00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:57,350
to the cutter and the cuttee.
136
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,319
Let him go.
I don't want to get blood
137
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:00,620
on my Christmas sweater.
138
00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:03,556
Oh, there's gonna be blood
on your sweater, all right.
139
00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:06,092
I just said I didn't want that!
140
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:07,861
(grunting)
141
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:17,604
(humming)
142
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,339
(grinding)
143
00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:27,280
Hello, young man.
144
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:29,049
Climb right up.
145
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,483
Santa?
Bartholomew Simpson.
146
00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:32,552
‐You don't know me, but...
‐Oh, but I do.
147
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,855
Hello‐ho‐ho, Bart.
148
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:37,791
Sideshow Bob!
149
00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,392
Merry Christmas.
150
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,462
(laughing maniacally)
151
00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:45,899
(laughter continues)
152
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,001
He's in a good mood.
153
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,403
Yes. This is the year
I get the monkey.
154
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,571
I keep telling you,
155
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,374
a monkey is a huge
responsibility.
156
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:57,877
I'm raising a kid.
I think I can raise a monkey.
157
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,319
(thunder crackles)
158
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,388
(yelling)
159
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:11,057
So easy.
After all these years,
160
00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:14,828
I get to watch the life drain
from your eye, your I...
161
00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:18,131
I can't kill you!
162
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:20,734
‐Want to know why?
‐Mm, nah.
163
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,470
I am a trained method actor.
164
00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:25,171
I inhabit my roles.
165
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,340
Like Daniel Day‐Lewis
in Phantom Thread.
166
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:29,509
Or Mike Myers
in The Love Guru.
167
00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:31,378
Why should I trust you?
168
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,347
Because I am utterly incapable
of stepping out of character.
169
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:36,683
I am Santa Claus.
170
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,718
The jolly old elf himself.
171
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,687
Ho, ho, ho.
172
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,689
MAN:
So can we get in to see you?
173
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:46,860
15‐minute break.
Santa's making presents.
174
00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:49,195
Ooh...
175
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,432
(all groaning)
176
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,634
I'm telling you,
this is Sideshow Bob!
177
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:57,771
‐He tried to kill me!
‐Well?
178
00:08:57,837 --> 00:09:00,140
I am a card‐carrying
seasonal Santa.
179
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:03,143
Kris Kringle Union, Local 5732.
180
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:05,178
Hey, I was a mall Santa, too.
181
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,414
I still wear the belt.
182
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,783
Uh, if you're gonna spend
this much time with our Santa,
183
00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:11,284
you have to pose for a photo.
184
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:13,353
Photos with Santa, $40.
185
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,288
Marge, just take one
with your phone!
186
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:16,790
‐Got it.
‐Run!
187
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,293
This will stop the jerks
who've been stealing packages
188
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,930
off my porch: a decoy with
an exploding dye marker inside.
189
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:26,299
You don't think you packed in
a little too much gunpowder?
190
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:29,469
Relax. I learned how to do this
from my Uncle Two Fingers.
191
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,973
Oh, my God.
You're the package thief?
192
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,242
(tires screech)
193
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:37,777
(feeble muttering)
194
00:09:37,844 --> 00:09:40,146
Lenny. Who did this to you?
Can you say it?
195
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:41,648
‐Eh.
‐Can you whisper it?
196
00:09:41,714 --> 00:09:44,284
‐Eh.
‐Can you write it
with your blood?
197
00:09:44,350 --> 00:09:45,652
Ooh.
198
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:54,294
I'm a little worried
our Christmas packages
199
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,795
haven't arrived.
200
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:58,531
Marge, relax.
There's plenty of time.
201
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,267
It's 8:00 p. m. Christmas Eve!
202
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:06,139
Just sit back and watch
this Fox News yule log.
203
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:09,109
("Silent Night" playing)
204
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,747
We interrupt this yule log
with a special report.
205
00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:17,050
Package delivery thefts
continue in Springfield.
206
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,252
Local man
Leonard "Lenny" Leonard
207
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:23,323
had his jingle bell rung
in a package deal gone boom.
208
00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:26,392
Our only clue is these initials
next to the corpse.
209
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,428
He's not a corpse.
He's breathing.
210
00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:32,398
‐I say he's a corpse.
‐(blows) And I say I'm not.
211
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,501
Uh... (scoffs)
you don't get a vote.
212
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:36,903
(gasps)
"S. B." is Sideshow Bob!
213
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,404
That's what he's up to.
214
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,340
He's stealing Christmas!
215
00:10:40,406 --> 00:10:43,343
A fellow Santa
could not steal Christmas.
216
00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:47,113
I know who this mysterious
"S. B." is.
217
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:51,985
Welcome to jail, Selma Bouvier.
218
00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:54,053
Uh, tell Scott Bakula,
Steve Ballmer
219
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,089
and Sandra Bullock
they're off the hook.
220
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,424
I should've been back
at NCIS: New Orleans
221
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,260
two hours ago.
222
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,262
Why don't you just
Quantum Leap there?
223
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:05,231
Why don't you learn
how to be a cop, fatso?
224
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,333
I loved it!
Mistaken identity!
225
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,871
I sold ten, ten season tickets
to the guys in my cell.
226
00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:15,942
Everything we do is successful,
booyah!
227
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:23,650
♪ ♪
228
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,292
Santa's Village, please.
229
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:33,660
What do you want
to go there for?
230
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:35,495
(scoffs) I'm saving Christmas.
231
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:38,498
Every kid thinks they're
doing that this time of year.
232
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,733
And as for you, Santa's Village
is closed, I'm afraid.
233
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,102
If I wanted your life story,
I would've taken an Uber.
234
00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:44,871
Well, that shuts me up.
235
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:46,773
I'm not gonna leave
236
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:48,408
till I find out
what Bob's up to.
237
00:11:48,474 --> 00:11:50,443
If you don't hear from me
in one hour, call the police.
238
00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:52,579
I have my own problems, Bart.
239
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:55,348
My mom just locked my dad out
in the snow.
240
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,350
He keeps tapping at my window.
241
00:11:57,417 --> 00:12:00,119
She said if I open it,
no presents.
242
00:12:00,186 --> 00:12:02,322
‐Useless.
‐Don't hang up.
243
00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:11,197
(laughs)
Classic evil villain mistake.
244
00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,334
Life goals?!
245
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,002
Don't pooh‐pooh.
246
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,171
Now for God's sake,
how can I convince you
247
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,340
that I am not
going to kill you?!
248
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:24,143
Find the person
who stole the presents.
249
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:26,346
Very well. I shall begin
by clearing my initials,
250
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:30,450
catching the true "S. B."
and, if I must,
251
00:12:30,516 --> 00:12:33,386
save Christmas for everyone.
252
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,355
Now let me drive you home.
253
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:38,524
You want me
to ride with you? Fine.
254
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,792
Shotgun!
255
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:42,495
Let's roll.
256
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:43,863
Shotgun means you pay the tolls.
257
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:51,170
So I'm here to save Christmas,
and here's my plan.
258
00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:54,540
First, I conceal myself
within this box.
259
00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:58,378
(all gasp)
260
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:01,014
Where'd you learn
how to do that?
261
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,616
When you ride cross‐country
in a clown car, you learn a lot.
262
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:07,287
(shuddering laugh)
263
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:09,322
‐(applause, cheering)
‐HOMER: Who knew?
264
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:10,623
‐Brava!
‐Who knew?
265
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:11,858
SIDESHOW BOB:
Thank you.
266
00:13:11,924 --> 00:13:14,060
Now, Homer,
gently place me on the porch,
267
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,562
and when they steal me,
follow them to their lair.
268
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,231
Will do.
269
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,766
(both grunting)
270
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,136
(grunting continues)
271
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:26,472
Ah!
272
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,374
‐And... (grunts)
‐Ah!
273
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,743
Godspeed.
274
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,845
They'll be here any minute.
275
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,447
♪ ♪
276
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,500
(cameras clicking)
277
00:13:58,137 --> 00:13:59,639
(bells jingling)
278
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:03,643
(straining):
Can't breathe.
279
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,611
(breathing deeply)
280
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:16,189
ALL:
♪ Baby shark,
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
281
00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:18,725
♪ Baby shark,
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo‐doo ♪
282
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:20,360
♪ Baby shark, doo‐doo‐
doo‐doo‐doo‐doo. ♪
283
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:32,071
(gasps) Oh, my God, S. B. is
284
00:14:32,138 --> 00:14:33,906
Smithers and Burns!
285
00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:35,875
Since when does Smithers
go first?
286
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:36,943
The jig is up!
287
00:14:37,009 --> 00:14:39,312
Also, leg cramp.
288
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,614
Ow.
289
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:43,516
The police are on their way.
290
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,519
Who will they believe?
You or the billionaire
291
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:49,489
who just sent them
a Montgomery Ward's cheese log?
292
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,458
Mr. Burns, why did you do this?
293
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,494
Ooh, general Scroogeyness.
294
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,497
No, it's deeper.
It's much deeper than that.
295
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,366
(gasps)
I think Mr. Burns is depressed.
296
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:03,302
Ooh, you're a very
perceptive girl.
297
00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:05,204
(melancholy piano music plays)
298
00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:06,572
‐That's close enough.
‐(music stops)
299
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,408
I just wanted everyone
to experience
300
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:11,711
the same Christmas heartbreak
that I once did.
301
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:15,615
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
302
00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:17,417
♪ On the feast of Stephen. ♪
303
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:21,320
Papa, sweet Papa,
may I sit on Santa's lap?
304
00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:23,089
Well, I don't know.
305
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:26,092
Santa Claus,
giving away free toys,
306
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:29,328
undercutting my friends,
Bill Mattel and Fred Hasbro.
307
00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:31,230
Please?
308
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,636
(shouts)
309
00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:39,639
Well, what's on your wish list,
little boy?
310
00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:42,308
A Rockford sock monkey,
Studebaker pedal car,
311
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:45,344
or the most popular gift
this year, an orange.
312
00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:47,980
All I want is a hug
from my mommy
313
00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:49,816
and a smile from my daddy.
314
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:52,852
Oh, well I'm sure
there's a hug and a smile
315
00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:56,422
on their way to you right now.
Ho, ho, ho.
316
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,090
Next.
317
00:15:58,157 --> 00:15:59,859
What do you want for Christmas?
318
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,428
I want you to marry my mom
like you said you would.
319
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:03,763
Next!
320
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:06,199
♪ ♪
321
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,374
BURNS:
Christmas day came...
322
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:24,383
I'm here to take you
to boarding school.
323
00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:27,386
‐On Christmas Day?
‐Hey, no traffic.
324
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:34,460
BURNS:
The next time I saw my parents,
they weren't in a smiling mood.
325
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,432
Too late!
326
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:43,102
You two never gave me anything
except $100 million.
327
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,504
Santa lied.
328
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:46,772
But, Monty,
you misunderstood me.
329
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,174
Ho, ho, ho.
330
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,276
Santa? It can't be.
331
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,079
Monty, it's 1935,
332
00:16:53,145 --> 00:16:55,548
and this is
Gimbels Department Store,
333
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,550
with the toy train
in the window
334
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,919
and Maxie the elevator man.
335
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:02,255
You're looking
at the lingerie department.
336
00:17:02,321 --> 00:17:04,524
You can look. It's okay.
337
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:06,192
(laughs)
338
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:09,362
Yes. Yes. Yes!
I am a child again.
339
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:11,364
And the truth is,
your parents did love you,
340
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:14,166
not with hugs and kisses,
but with something better‐‐
341
00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:15,535
they made you strong.
342
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:18,104
Where are all the other tycoons
from your day?
343
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:21,874
Broke, dead, a lot of #MeToo.
344
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:25,711
But you're the richest,
most ruthless man in town,
345
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:28,347
thanks to your parents' love.
346
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,386
It's true.
347
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:34,921
Smithers, it's Christmas,
348
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:37,323
which is a work day for you,
so help me out.
349
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,493
‐And it's my birthday.
‐Don't expect two presents.
350
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,896
‐♪ Christmas ♪
‐♪ The snow's coming down ♪
351
00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:47,266
‐♪ Christmas ♪
‐♪ I'm watching it fall ♪
352
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:49,235
♪ Christmas... ♪
353
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:51,904
My raisins came!
354
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:53,306
‐Mmm!
‐(sighs)
355
00:17:53,372 --> 00:17:54,707
Well, at least he's eating.
356
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,743
♪ Christmas... ♪
357
00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,780
Huzzah for Mr. Burns!
358
00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:03,049
God bless us, every one.
359
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:05,418
Seriously, this is,
this is really nice.
360
00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:06,986
("Carol of the Bells" playing)
361
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:09,889
(yawns) We did it.
362
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:12,224
Got all the presents
under the tree.
363
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:15,828
I'm lucky because no one
could possibly steal my gift.
364
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:18,464
All I want
is one peaceful moment
365
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,967
to hold my wife in my arms.
366
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:22,635
Aw.
367
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:25,438
BART:
It's Christmas!
368
00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:27,607
Awake already?
369
00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:31,277
‐(chuckles) Slide whistle.
‐Kazoo!
370
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:33,346
(all playing instruments)
371
00:18:35,514 --> 00:18:37,850
(quietly):
Meet me in the basement.
372
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,485
Okay.
373
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:40,953
Picture time.
374
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,831
Janey, haven't you learned
that silly tune yet?
375
00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:54,300
You play it over and over
again. Now stop it, stop it!
376
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,502
That girl is pretty bad
at the piano.
377
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:57,803
(knock on door)
378
00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,439
Ugh. Hello, Cassandra.
379
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:02,441
I brought you
a Christmas present.
380
00:19:02,508 --> 00:19:05,378
(grumbling)
381
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:08,447
I know who you are,
and I know what you've done,
382
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:10,516
and I want you to kiss me.
383
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:14,286
‐♪ You really should go ♪
‐♪ It's 20 below ♪
384
00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:18,224
‐♪ I can't have you here ♪
‐♪ Just get me a beer ♪
385
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:21,527
‐♪ I'm being a gent ♪
‐♪ I'm giving consent ♪
386
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:24,463
♪ You are quite inviting ♪
387
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:27,366
♪ I will put it in writing ♪
388
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:32,738
BOTH:
♪ Baby, it's cold outside. ♪
389
00:19:35,307 --> 00:19:37,510
(crashing)
390
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:41,347
Yarr. Will someone
turn on the damn light?!
391
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:44,283
A little late, don't you think?
392
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:45,818
Yarr!
393
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,290
Steve. Psst. Steve. Wait.
394
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:55,261
Sorry, I'm just about ready
to leave your wonderful town.
395
00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:58,864
Great place. Fantastic!
396
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:02,435
The best Springfield
I've ever been in. Whoo!
397
00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:03,703
Whoo‐hoo!
398
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:05,871
Can you teach me to do that?
399
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:07,707
Do what? This is just me.
400
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:12,144
Fantastic coffee!
Send a truckful to Seattle.
401
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,580
How can you possibly
be so happy?
402
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:17,783
‐It's in you, too.
‐I really don't think so.
403
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:19,785
Monty, look me in the eye.
404
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,854
I don't know if I can.
405
00:20:24,590 --> 00:20:25,324
(neck cracks)
406
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,193
You're amazingly alive,
407
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,962
you're rich beyond
any sense of justice,
408
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:33,999
you're C. Montgomery Burns.
409
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:35,468
‐Whoo!
‐(weakly): Whoo.
410
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:39,105
‐(bones crack)
‐Ow! (groaning)
411
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:41,340
Hurt yourself
on the landing, huh?
412
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:43,209
No, on the way up.
413
00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:30,489
Shh!
414
00:21:33,425 --> 00:21:35,394
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH