1 00:00:02,569 --> 00:00:05,405 (chuckles, whoops) 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,408 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:09,977 --> 00:00:11,612 (shrieks) 4 00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,752 (school bell rings) 5 00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:22,055 (grunts) 6 00:00:22,122 --> 00:00:24,024 ♪ ♪ 7 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,995 (playing lively music) 8 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,032 (tires screech) 9 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,936 D'oh! 10 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,738 (grunts) 11 00:00:37,804 --> 00:00:39,873 (theme to Succession playing) 12 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:03,497 ♪ ♪ 13 00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,905 None of you will inherit anything. 14 00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:14,107 Because there isn't any. 15 00:01:14,174 --> 00:01:17,077 (grunts) 16 00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:19,146 D'oh. 17 00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,621 Previously on The Simpsons, 18 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,857 a charismatic new preacher came to Springfield. 19 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,092 You want to hold my gun? 20 00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:34,094 You‐you can. (chuckles) 21 00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:35,028 BROCKMAN: And Lisa admired him 22 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,431 like no adult man she'd ever met. 23 00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:39,933 This brunch has turned into... 24 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,935 a jazz brunch! 25 00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:43,103 BROCKMAN: Reverend Lovejoy 26 00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:46,139 lost his job and swore reveng. 27 00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:47,541 This is... 28 00:01:51,211 --> 00:01:53,213 ♪ ♪ 29 00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:10,597 ‐(tires screeching) ‐(Jimbo laughing) 30 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:13,934 ‐(overlapping chatter) ‐This preacher is so amazing. 31 00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:15,268 I'm looking forward to this. 32 00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:18,038 This is the first time I've come to church 33 00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:20,040 when it's not part of a big montage 34 00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:22,009 of my enemies being whacked. 35 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:24,011 Whoa! Hey! Whoa! 36 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:27,014 Well, someone looks awfully nice for church. 37 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,682 Oh, this thing? 38 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,384 Are you sure you aren't just attracted 39 00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:32,686 to our handsome new pastor? 40 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:35,922 Silly. Moms aren't attracted to pastors. 41 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,724 (chuckles) 42 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:40,527 Oh, this place is so crowded. 43 00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:43,897 My leg is touching Milhouse's dad's. 44 00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:46,199 Looks like we're knee neighbors, huh, buddy? 45 00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:47,401 (whimpers) 46 00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,269 Mr. Smithers. 47 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:52,039 I don't think I've ever seen you without Mr. Burns. 48 00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,907 Oh, Mr. Burns is more comfortable at home 49 00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:55,942 reading his copies of the scriptures. 50 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,815 "Blessed be the poor"? 51 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:03,550 I'm just finding this out now? 52 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,118 No one must know. 53 00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:11,925 Exodus. 54 00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,026 Good morning. 55 00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:14,861 ALL: Good morning. 56 00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,897 For those of you interested in the Packers game... 57 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:18,598 We don't want to know. 58 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:21,401 So, I know some of you still have some questions about me. 59 00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:22,736 I certainly do. 60 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:25,539 Will you be godfather to my son? 61 00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:27,207 (chuckles) We're not there yet, Mel. 62 00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:30,110 But, seriously, fewer and fewer people are coming to church. 63 00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,946 Numbers are declining. And I get it. 64 00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:35,048 When you tell people that you believe in God, 65 00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:36,383 usually they take that to mean 66 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,385 that you're quietly judging their lifestyle 67 00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:41,421 or think everybody but you is going to Hell. 68 00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,223 Way to preach, bitch. 69 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:44,558 I'm gonna pretend I heard "amen." 70 00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:45,959 Oh, relax, bitch. 71 00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,929 (groans) 72 00:03:48,995 --> 00:03:50,931 The original function of religion 73 00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:52,966 was to bring us together. "Religion." 74 00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,968 "Ligio," like "ligament." 75 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:56,803 It means to reconnect. 76 00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:59,106 They don't teach you that at medical school. 77 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:00,140 Yes, they do. 78 00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:02,709 Well, I learn from my mistakes. 79 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:06,046 Malpractice makes malperfect. 80 00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:07,714 Well, I want to bring us all together. 81 00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:10,083 Not just Christians but Hindus and Buddhists. 82 00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:11,885 Even those that don't believe. 83 00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:13,887 Does anyone besides me 84 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,822 miss church the way it was? 85 00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:18,225 (crickets chirping) 86 00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:20,794 (sighs) Well, the crickets agree. 87 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,899 This church has gone from a place of warm, awkward silence 88 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:29,936 into a gooey lovefest run by a narcissistic kum‐bah‐yo‐yo, 89 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:32,038 and I will not stand for it. 90 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,874 You and I believe in the same God. 91 00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,209 I just believe that that God loves everyone. 92 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,111 You don't agree with that, Ned? 93 00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:39,880 Sir, we are not on a first‐name basis. 94 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,281 Mr. Flanders. 95 00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:43,884 You may call me New Evangelical Deacon, 96 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,352 or Ned for short. 97 00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:47,954 Okay, Ned, look, God is the love, 98 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,123 the "yes" that set the universe in motion. 99 00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,958 He or She... 100 00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,960 (sighs) 101 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:57,230 Maybe this time. 102 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,699 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ 103 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:01,968 ♪ I'll believe it ♪ 104 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:06,139 ♪ Maybe this time I'll pray ♪ 105 00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:13,880 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ 106 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,882 ♪ For the first time ♪ 107 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,717 ♪ I'll have fun ♪ 108 00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:21,054 ♪ On Sunday ♪ 109 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:29,996 ♪ He will sermonize ♪ 110 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:34,067 ♪ With those hazel eyes ♪ 111 00:05:35,402 --> 00:05:37,337 ♪ I've got Buddha ♪ 112 00:05:37,404 --> 00:05:39,339 ♪ I've got science ♪ 113 00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:43,810 ♪ And now Jesus makes three ♪ 114 00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:46,913 ♪ It's gonna happen ♪ 115 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,915 ♪ Happen sometime ♪ 116 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:52,786 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ 117 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:56,857 ♪ I'll pray. ♪ 118 00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,329 Not bad, kid. Also not good. 119 00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:04,831 Let me show you how it's done. And a one, and a two. 120 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:05,832 Hey! 121 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,335 (grunting) 122 00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:10,737 Aw, sleeping in church. 123 00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,240 Like father like daughter. 124 00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:16,243 God is nothing but grace and flow and forgiveness. 125 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:17,744 And if you don't think so, 126 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,179 I‐I don't know, maybe you should go back 127 00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:21,014 and read the Bible a little bit closer. 128 00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,383 Are you questioning a man who travels with extra Bibles 129 00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:25,452 to put them in hotel rooms? 130 00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:29,689 Do you mind? 131 00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:30,857 I'm sure you're very sincere, 132 00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:32,893 but a parrot can recite the Bible 133 00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:34,227 and have no idea what it means. 134 00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:35,896 What? What? What? 135 00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,230 This isn't church anymore. 136 00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:38,565 We're out of here. 137 00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:45,572 Daddy, we can't leave before the pastor says so. 138 00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:47,674 ‐Who told you that? ‐You did. 139 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,076 You call it "Homer Simpson‐ing." 140 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,578 (groans) 141 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,980 Yeah, don't Homer Simpson, you jerk. 142 00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:04,024 This is where he got fired. 143 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,692 Now we're gonna poke 144 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,862 into Mr. Perfect Pastor's pysterious past. 145 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,031 Did you just say "pysterious"? 146 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,767 Can't you be on my side for once? 147 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:25,478 Excuse me, we're looking for the pastor. 148 00:07:25,545 --> 00:07:28,014 Oh, we don't have pastors. But our touch screen directory 149 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,083 does have a digital assistant. 150 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,485 Hi, I'm Holy Cow. 151 00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:34,254 How can I help you? 152 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:37,857 Please give us your fingerprint by pressing this screen. 153 00:07:37,924 --> 00:07:40,160 (laughs) 154 00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,595 You haven't pressed anything. 155 00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:44,664 Why not? 156 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:50,203 I'd like to speak to someone below God and above you. 157 00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:54,541 Well, maybe you can find what you need in here. 158 00:07:54,607 --> 00:07:58,678 How many of you suffer from the effects of mesothelioma? 159 00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,947 Dial Jesus at ocho, ocho, ocho, 160 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:04,117 ocho, ocho, ocho, ocho. 161 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,785 (applause and cheering) 162 00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:07,620 ♪ ♪ 163 00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,689 (shrieking) 164 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,496 Please help us. 165 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:18,798 This man is a fellow clergyman. 166 00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:20,800 Really? 167 00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:22,635 BOTH: Church, steeple, 168 00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:24,004 doors, people! 169 00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,172 Come with me. 170 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:27,874 ‐(knocking) ‐Preacher Mac? 171 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,043 I have a couple here to see you. 172 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:33,880 I'm here to discuss a matter of some unpleasantness. 173 00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:36,850 You're not here from The Boston Globe, are you? 174 00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:38,918 No, no, no, no, no. I'm a pastor, too. 175 00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:41,921 I hear there's a little dirt on the collar of a man 176 00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:45,525 who used to preach here, Bode Wright. 177 00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:47,193 Him?! 178 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,762 You better sit down. 179 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:52,899 It's a short story, but I'm gonna milk it. 180 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:58,038 I would go on, but I am down to my last vocal cord. 181 00:08:58,104 --> 00:09:00,140 Even for a pastor, 182 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:04,144 I've taken way too long to make a simple point. 183 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:05,845 Now... 184 00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:08,114 here's the proof. 185 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:13,720 Oh, my God, so many singles in my area 186 00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,822 want to meet me. 187 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,223 Hmm. 188 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:20,193 Possessions don't matter, 189 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:23,863 money doesn't matter, this doesn't matter. 190 00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:26,032 Is he burning what I think he's burning? 191 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,200 I've got him now. 192 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:37,410 Lisa Marie Simpson, are you reading the Bible? 193 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,712 Yes, it's good, but... 194 00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:41,081 I have a few notes. 195 00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:42,916 Yeah, well I never met a Hittite 196 00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:45,919 who wasn't trying to expand his empire into Egypt. 197 00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:48,822 Oh, Hittites... worse than the Canaanites! 198 00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:52,826 Oh, now who's doing this because of the handsome new pastor? 199 00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:54,060 Reverend Wright? 200 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,829 You think he's... 201 00:09:55,895 --> 00:09:57,831 Oh, why pretend? 202 00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:01,501 When he speaks, I feel like he's speaking only to me. 203 00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,870 Oh, Lisa, honey, I'm worried you'll get too attached. 204 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:07,006 This town has a way of rejecting what's new and different. 205 00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,942 And better. 206 00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:10,043 Not this time. 207 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,612 (groans) But look at your vision board. 208 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,682 It's full of nothing but crushing disappointment. 209 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:18,885 Ha‐ha! 210 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,221 Even your vision board is a failure. 211 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:22,956 That hook was supposed to hold 212 00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:25,125 a lifetime's worth of disappointment. 213 00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:27,026 (crying) 214 00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,596 (tires screeching) 215 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:34,033 Get thee behind me, Saturn. 216 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,038 I need to pee. 217 00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:41,541 No time. We've got defrocking to do. 218 00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,943 Timothy, I've never seen you like this. 219 00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:46,279 Maybe I'll do some defrocking, too. 220 00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,281 In the choo choo room? 221 00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,750 Okay, mood's gone. 222 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:52,252 Two beers, Moe. 223 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,553 Nothing for the reverend. 224 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:54,921 Oh, howdy there, Rev. 225 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,123 Well, can't let him see my nudie glasses. 226 00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:01,694 You didn't have to break your nudie glasses. 227 00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:03,196 Now you tell me. Uh, remind me‐‐ 228 00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,898 how many boobs does a woman have? 229 00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:08,001 I never got so much off my chest. 230 00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:12,005 So, then I coveted my neighbor's riding mower. 231 00:11:12,071 --> 00:11:15,508 I never pedal when I'm on a bicycle built for two. 232 00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,677 ‐Homer... ‐I went trick‐or‐treating 233 00:11:17,744 --> 00:11:19,179 when I was 30. 234 00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:23,383 Also, I told Marge I was going for a colonoscopy 235 00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:27,086 when I actually went to a Planet of the Apes marathon. 236 00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:29,389 Including the Tim Burton one. 237 00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:30,623 God doesn't care. 238 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:31,758 Hallelujah! 239 00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:33,426 Please. I make my living in here. 240 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:35,929 Sorry. So am I forgiven? 241 00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:37,564 You're a good man, Homer Simpson. 242 00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:39,933 Behind all your behavior, good and bad, 243 00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:41,935 there's a still, quiet place 244 00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:43,736 untouched by the dramas of this life 245 00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:45,972 where you simply are goodness. 246 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,808 Oh, you haven't heard the worst one. 247 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,810 I had impure thoughts 248 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:54,113 about the mother bear in the toilet paper ads. 249 00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:55,982 (phone buzzes) 250 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,284 FLANDERS: Reverend? If that is your real honorific. 251 00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:01,187 You are late for our parishioners' visit. 252 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:03,423 I've been preparing all day. 253 00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,058 Uh, sorry. I've got to go. 254 00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:08,294 Homer, does this Flanders guy ever annoy you? 255 00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,072 From time to time. 256 00:12:20,139 --> 00:12:22,175 (horns honking) 257 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,610 Move it, move it, move it. 258 00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,245 (brakes hiss) 259 00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:26,746 All right. 260 00:12:26,813 --> 00:12:29,082 Which arm did the honking? 261 00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:31,150 I'm not telling. 262 00:12:32,819 --> 00:12:34,687 (sighs) 263 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,256 FLANDERS: Come in. 264 00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:37,991 ♪ ♪ 265 00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:52,472 You, sir, have challenged me on scripture. 266 00:12:52,538 --> 00:12:54,807 ♪ ♪ 267 00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:58,911 Oh. Well, if it's scripture you want to talk, 268 00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:01,914 then let us make a joyful noise unto the Lord. 269 00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:04,083 ‐Good. ‐Good. 270 00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:07,820 ♪ ♪ 271 00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:12,325 Punishment is the key to belief. 272 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:13,760 Matthew 25:46. 273 00:13:13,826 --> 00:13:15,862 "They will go away to eternal punishment, but the..." 274 00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:17,096 "...righteous to eternal life." Sure. 275 00:13:17,163 --> 00:13:18,665 But God's grace is for everyone. 276 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,033 John 12:32. 277 00:13:20,099 --> 00:13:21,934 "I will draw all people..." 278 00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:23,603 "...up to myself." Hmm. 279 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:26,506 (chuckles) What about 2 Thessalonians 1:9? 280 00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:29,742 "They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction..." 281 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:30,743 Romans 11:32. 282 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,246 "He may have mercy on them all." 283 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,914 Them all. 284 00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:36,382 ♪ ♪ 285 00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:37,984 (song ends) 286 00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:40,853 Genesis 3:23. 287 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,523 "So the Lord banished him from the Garden." 288 00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:45,591 Genesis 1:31. 289 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,393 "God saw all that He had made, 290 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:49,696 and it was very good." 291 00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:50,763 Bang. 292 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,265 (groans) 293 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,534 I'm cold, so cold. 294 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,436 And I'm wearing three sweaters. 295 00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:01,374 Wow. 296 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:02,809 This is what it would be like 297 00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:05,978 if they believed in God in Hawaii. 298 00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:08,414 Reverend, you come to dinner at my house! 299 00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,917 Uh, yeah, I'm gonna take a rain check. 300 00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:12,018 So many checks, 301 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,053 so little rain. 302 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,522 Stop this revelry! 303 00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:17,990 Who are you?! 304 00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,928 (gasps) Reverend Lovejoy! 305 00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:25,231 And I'm just back from Michigan. 306 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,066 Can you point accusingly for me? 307 00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:29,035 You got it. 308 00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:31,371 This man is a heretic. 309 00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,438 (gasping) 310 00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:35,208 (quietly): Oh, no. No, Lisa, don't. 311 00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:36,409 Wait, wait, wait! 312 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:39,879 Surely, we know the reverend is a blessed man who... 313 00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:41,881 Lisa, I did something bad. 314 00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:44,717 How bad could it be? Seriously. 315 00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:45,618 (overlapping chatter) 316 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,120 Well, look at you, 317 00:14:47,186 --> 00:14:50,022 finally paying attention to me. 318 00:14:50,089 --> 00:14:52,191 One brief announcement: there's a red Honda Civic 319 00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:53,926 in the parking lot with its lights on. 320 00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:55,261 You're losing them. 321 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:58,097 He burned the Bible. 322 00:14:58,164 --> 00:14:59,665 (gasping) 323 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:03,803 Oh, boy. 324 00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:04,971 That's appalling. I mean, come on. 325 00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,473 Psalms are not for burning. They're for tattoos. 326 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:09,475 So, you know, you sicken me. 327 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:12,044 Everything in my heart tells me this isn't true! 328 00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:14,380 I know this is a weird thing to say in church, 329 00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:16,048 but we need proof. 330 00:15:16,115 --> 00:15:19,419 I demand a full hearing in front of all of us! 331 00:15:19,485 --> 00:15:21,087 Oh, you'll get your hearing. 332 00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:23,723 Tuesday at 4:00. 333 00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:26,659 Another paradise lost. 334 00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:29,996 Lisa, you're really bringing down the first Sunday of Lent. 335 00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:33,065 Even the fire eater is sad. 336 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,374 The crisis of faith grows as support for im‐preach‐ment 337 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,708 is now at 52%. 338 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,944 Can you fight fire with firing? 339 00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:47,847 What should we do with this Judas priest? 340 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,449 This has been Kent Brockman talking, 341 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,117 saying nothing. 342 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,186 ♪ ♪ 343 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:55,855 Oh. 344 00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:57,623 (plays sad notes) 345 00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:00,092 Welcome, all of you. Let's begin. 346 00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,161 Why is she running this? 347 00:16:02,228 --> 00:16:04,297 Because she won't get overexcited. 348 00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:06,799 And I will?! 349 00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:10,069 And the Bible said, "A child shall lead them." 350 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,972 Well, as my Lord Buddha said, 351 00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:15,141 "Three things cannot long be hidden. 352 00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:18,811 The sun, the moon, and the truth." 353 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,847 Well, why don't they make that a Google Doodle? 354 00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:23,850 Reverend, you're very concerned with the Bible. 355 00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:26,052 So, let us turn to that Bible. 356 00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:29,055 Specifically, the very, very, many parts 357 00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:31,524 that speak about forgiveness. 358 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,093 (playing fanfare) 359 00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:41,000 And, Mom, thank you for sewing these banners. 360 00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:44,003 I did all that work for a ten‐second bit? 361 00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:45,705 He did it. He admitted it. 362 00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:47,507 What else do you need? 363 00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,509 We've mobbed for less, people. 364 00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:52,078 Yeah, remember the guy with the two different‐colored socks? 365 00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:53,946 Ran his ass right out of town. 366 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,381 Banish him! 367 00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,885 CROWD: Banish him! Banish him! 368 00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:01,821 Cherish him! Cherish him! 369 00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:04,223 I know another long‐haired performer 370 00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:05,992 who preached a new philosophy, 371 00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:07,493 peace and love. 372 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:08,995 And the crowd was with him, 373 00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:10,830 but then they turned, hard. 374 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,865 And that man's name 375 00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:14,734 was Willie Nelson! 376 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:18,004 Well, I say, banish him! Banish him! 377 00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:20,873 CROWD: Banish him! Banish him! 378 00:17:20,940 --> 00:17:22,508 Stop! 379 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:25,678 I came here to unify you, but instead I divided you. 380 00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:27,179 So I'm leaving. 381 00:17:27,246 --> 00:17:29,849 I just hope what I said resonated with a few of you. 382 00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,717 Like Lisa, one who may change the world. 383 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,386 Aw. 384 00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:36,422 And that Sea Captain guy. That dude is surprisingly woke. 385 00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:40,059 Yarr, activism means nothing if it's not intersectional. 386 00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:41,327 Yarr! 387 00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,063 Glad to have known you. 388 00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:47,767 I just want to say, you've changed my life forever. 389 00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:50,069 You're the first minister I've ever met 390 00:17:50,136 --> 00:17:52,071 I didn't want to slap across the face. 391 00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:53,906 Glad to have known you. 392 00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:56,742 And I just want to say, rot in Hell, Bible burner. 393 00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:58,578 Glad to have known you. 394 00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:00,012 ‐Glad to have... ‐Bup‐bup‐bup. 395 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,615 In my family, you don't say goodbye to someone 396 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:05,017 you care about without a meat loaf. 397 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,019 And broccoli. 398 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,021 You‐You're inviting me over for dinner? 399 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,890 If you can love us after seeing us eat, 400 00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,792 we'll know you really love us. 401 00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,827 Come on, pal. We're having roast Bible. 402 00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,996 Huh? (laughs) 403 00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,497 What? Too soon? 404 00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:19,665 (snoring) 405 00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:21,834 I just want to offer this simple prayer: 406 00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:24,470 Dear God, please let the Simpsons never end. 407 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,472 ALL: Amen. 408 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:28,574 And, Bode, tomorrow I have to ask you 409 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,911 a philosophical question, so I'll see you at the church. 410 00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:34,413 Amen. 411 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,982 Where the hell have you been? 412 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,251 Why would you burn a Bible? 413 00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:41,520 Why couldn't you burn Bill O'Reilly's books? 414 00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:43,589 There are so many. 415 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,925 I was trying to tell people that God is in your heart, 416 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,928 not in a overbuilt cathedral or some book. 417 00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:50,863 This town doesn't get subtext. 418 00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:54,266 Our NPR station broadcasts wrestling. 419 00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:56,836 NPR ANNOUNCER: And that's an excruciating half nelson. 420 00:18:56,902 --> 00:19:00,272 Now, is that what's known in the lexicon as a "face stomp"? 421 00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:02,775 NPR ANNOUNCER 2: Yes, yes, it is. 422 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,678 NPR ANNOUNCER 1: This is NPR pledge week. Please give. 423 00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,114 ‐Why did you do it? ‐I was 19. 424 00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:12,118 I saw how people were using the Bible to divide and exclude. 425 00:19:12,184 --> 00:19:14,620 People were so busy worshipping a road map 426 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:17,456 instead of trying to reach the destination. 427 00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,025 You know what I mean? 428 00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,794 Well, why didn't you just say that? 429 00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:24,196 That was fine. No fire. 430 00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:27,633 ‐I was 19. ‐I'm eight and I get it. 431 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:28,968 (sighs) You're right. 432 00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:31,303 I've regretted it since the day I did it. 433 00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:33,372 So, since then, I've just wandered the world, 434 00:19:33,439 --> 00:19:36,042 like a millennial on a gap year. 435 00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:38,911 I understand, but how are you gonna convince...? 436 00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:44,183 I'll just have faith in this town's open heart. 437 00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:46,385 (grunts) 438 00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:48,888 I was just making sure it doesn't say "We forgive you." 439 00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:51,390 ‐It doesn't. ‐Unless they wrote it in red. 440 00:19:51,457 --> 00:19:52,425 Yeah, no. 441 00:19:52,491 --> 00:19:53,859 ‐No, they didn't. ‐No. 442 00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:56,028 ‐The brick is the message. ‐Them's my people. 443 00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:57,196 ‐Yeah. ‐Yeah. 444 00:19:57,263 --> 00:19:58,497 Do we throw it back? What's your custom? 445 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:06,939 Uh, Chief, this guy still had ten minutes on his meter. 446 00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:09,775 Just when I understood that guy, when I believed again, 447 00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:12,578 when I believed in people, they took him away. 448 00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:14,880 I've lost my faith, Lou. 449 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,049 Come on, Chief, you got a beautiful wife 450 00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:19,018 (laughs): and kid‐‐ I can't... 451 00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:22,254 I'm sorry, I can't say that with a straight face. 452 00:20:22,321 --> 00:20:24,123 ‐Well, you could try. ‐(laughs) 453 00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:27,860 I am. I‐I'm trying, I'm sorry. 454 00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:29,261 I'm sorry. I'll maybe try again. 455 00:20:29,328 --> 00:20:30,863 You got a beau... (laughing) 456 00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:33,799 ...tiful wife and kid. 457 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,376 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 458 00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:21,680 Shh!