1 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,072 (screeches) 2 00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:10,744 D'oh! 3 00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,412 (grunts) 4 00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:18,151 (gasps) Where's your helmet? 5 00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:20,020 D'oh! 6 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,495 ♪ 7 00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:42,309 ♪ This woman's gonna get what she wants today ♪ 8 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:46,547 ♪ Barney's gonna buy a new sconce today ♪ 9 00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:51,051 ♪ Gonna buy a broom to play quidditch today ♪ 10 00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:55,556 ♪ Waylon's gonna get some kitsch today ♪ 11 00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,691 ♪ ♪ 12 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,500 ♪ I'm gonna buy some figurines today ♪ 13 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,836 ♪ Some lovely pastoral scenes today ♪ 14 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,839 ♪ I've finally found the rare girl with goat ♪ 15 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,742 ♪ I'll stash them all in my NPR tote ♪ 16 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,177 ♪ Today ♪ 17 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:21,682 ♪ The shoppers always haggle, low price ♪ 18 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:25,485 ♪ And Flanders always gives in, too nice ♪ 19 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,189 ♪ Too nice, too nice ♪ 20 00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:32,125 ♪ I'll sell these fuzzy dice ♪ 21 00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:37,531 ♪ Maude bought them as a joke I did not get ♪ 22 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,701 ♪ Today, today ♪ 23 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,171 ♪ We'll sell our toys, we pray ♪ 24 00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:49,476 ♪ 'Cause playing is a sin that we regret ♪ 25 00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:50,611 BOTH: Yay! 26 00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:52,446 (cartoon scrambling sound effect) 27 00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:54,548 ♪ ♪ 28 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,353 (trumpets) 29 00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:05,058 ♪ Criterion Collection: Meryl Streep ♪ 30 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,928 ♪ A box of Easter candy, all Peeps ♪ 31 00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,464 ♪ Today, today ♪ 32 00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:14,067 ♪ I'll undersell eBay ♪ 33 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:19,306 ♪ We'll get some useless crap today! ♪ 34 00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,676 See, Marge? We skip one rehearsal, 35 00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,177 and we're totally lost. 36 00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:26,480 ♪ Today! ♪ 37 00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:29,816 Wow, Mr. Flanders. 38 00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,119 You're selling your used birthday candles? 39 00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:33,987 Hmm, they relight themselves. 40 00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:36,356 I won't have voodoo in the house. 41 00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:38,358 I'm one. I'm two. 42 00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:41,294 I'm three. I'm dizzy. 43 00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,096 (groans, thud) 44 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,032 Oh. 45 00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:47,701 Do you really want to sell these precious memories? 46 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,436 (chuckles) 47 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,371 They're just earthly possessions, Marge. 48 00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:55,108 All I need is God in my heart, the good book in my hand, and... 49 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,877 (gasps) What are you heathens doing 50 00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:58,879 to my Norman Rockwell commemorative plates?! 51 00:02:58,945 --> 00:03:00,814 (grunting) 52 00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,983 We bought 'em, we smash 'em. 53 00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,785 Take that, Freedom from Want. 54 00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:06,319 (grunts) 55 00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:07,754 ‐(boys laugh) ‐(Flanders groans) 56 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,589 Look at me! I'm Mr. Rogers. 57 00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:12,659 Yeah. And I'm Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. 58 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,327 I'll have what he's having. 59 00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:16,963 - We're having a ball! - Of yarn. 60 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,465 (both laughing) 61 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,033 (groans) 62 00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,971 Oh, all this humiliation for... 63 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,873 (scoffs) $21? 64 00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:29,976 Get out before I turn on the hose! 65 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,113 Thank you. 66 00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,982 Okay, fine. I'm not selling one more precious tchotchke 67 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,086 unless it's going to a decent, respectful home. 68 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:42,989 (inhales) 69 00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,860 (sighs) Damaged corner. 70 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,029 Excuse me, sir? I understand how you feel. 71 00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:51,698 Bart Simpson. Longtime neighbor, first time reader. 72 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,633 May I buy these books? 73 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,535 There's no bad words in these 74 00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,003 if that's what you're looking for. 75 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,572 I cut 'em all out. 76 00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:00,741 Mm. 77 00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,542 Thank you... 78 00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:04,311 Adultery Ass. 79 00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:06,980 This is why I always carry a fan. 80 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,381 Don't worry, sir. 81 00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:10,550 We're boys who have made our share of mistakes, 82 00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:13,487 but these books will fire up our imaginations. 83 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:20,360 ♪ 84 00:04:22,662 --> 00:04:24,831 My greatest moment! 85 00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,604 Oh, Bart. 86 00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,339 I was filming the wrong way. 87 00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:34,107 It's all me! 88 00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,676 This angle makes my nose look big. 89 00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:38,678 Oh! 90 00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:41,348 (groans) 91 00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:42,516 Hmm. 92 00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:46,686 Bart, that's clearly personal. 93 00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:49,189 You have to give it back to Mr. Flanders. 94 00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:53,527 You don't have a single little boy bone in your body, do you? 95 00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:56,029 Hey! I did take karate. 96 00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:59,366 Till I had an allergic reaction to my gi. 97 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,969 - (bee buzzing) - There's a bee in here! 98 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:05,105 (grunting) 99 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,340 (groans) 100 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:09,810 "My Journal." 101 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,312 Wait a minute. 102 00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:16,316 I've seen that red ink before, especially the D's and F's. 103 00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:19,286 - (thunder crashing) - ♪ ♪ 104 00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,724 It's Mrs. Krabappel's diary! 105 00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:27,828 (sniffs) Parliament Lights 100. 106 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,896 That was her brand. 107 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:33,099 EDNA: Remember: if you can teach one kid one thing, 108 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,235 then today will be a success... 109 00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:38,171 Oh. I forgot Flanders married Krabappel. 110 00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:41,641 I do not need to see the dark side of another marriage. 111 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,111 Let the oceans have it, Bart. 112 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,681 They're big enough to hide any sin. 113 00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:49,983 You would think so, but no. 114 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,619 Why are corpses so buoyant? 115 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,521 'Cause I ain't dead yet! 116 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,191 The boss ain't gonna like this. 117 00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,326 I'm the boss! 118 00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:01,294 - Do you like it? - No! 119 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,762 LOUIE: Shouldn't we stop those kids? 120 00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:04,464 FAT TONY: We don't kill children. 121 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,433 We'll wait till they're 18. 122 00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:09,269 This is your fault, Krabappel. 123 00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:10,971 You taught me to read. 124 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,473 If you read this diary, you'll regret it. 125 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,108 Maybe not today... 126 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,377 - Okay, good enough. - (groans) 127 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,083 What's it say?! What's it say?! 128 00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,819 Does she write about how well I cleaned the gerbil cage?! 129 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,154 If not, it might be a fake. 130 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,757 It's in there. And a lot more. 131 00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,659 She says Chalmers hides his car keys 132 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,662 on the top of his sun visor. 133 00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:38,298 ♪ 134 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,268 (tires squealing) 135 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,337 I just became the most powerful kid in school. 136 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,342 Slimmer! 137 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,511 - (tires squealing) - Uh... What the...? 138 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:54,114 ♪ ♪ 139 00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:57,450 He's got a free yogurt at the car wash. 140 00:06:57,517 --> 00:06:59,519 Let's drop the car off at the car wash, 141 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,354 get the yogurt, and never come back. 142 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,690 The perfect crime! 143 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,296 There they are! Go get 'em! 144 00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:11,564 Yeah, don't worry. We'll get your car, but, uh, 145 00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:14,801 all I can think of now is we should do that, Lou. 146 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,804 Go for a drive just because. 147 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,640 - (grunting happily) - ♪ ♪ 148 00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:21,875 Ugh! 149 00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:29,783 Finally, thanks to Mrs. K, 150 00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:33,219 I'll know what goes on in the teachers' lounge. 151 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,989 No, this is not a sales call. 152 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,492 It's an opportunity to improve your life with gutter guards. 153 00:07:39,559 --> 00:07:42,162 Ma'am, are you sure your family will be taken care of 154 00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:43,763 in case of a sinkhole? 155 00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:47,100 And with this cruise package, you're guaranteed a deck chair 156 00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,835 for one full hour a day. 157 00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,571 So can I...? Hello? Hello? 158 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,173 BART: So, working your night school jobs 159 00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:54,808 during school hours, eh? 160 00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:56,343 (laughs) 161 00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,445 Oh, you are still there. You're just very quiet. 162 00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:00,080 I'll wait as long as it takes. 163 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,349 (bell tolling) 164 00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:06,019 Reading someone else's diary in a church? 165 00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,955 That's the worst thing you can do in a church! 166 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,757 (Irish accent): No, not really. 167 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,961 Oh, my God. I'm in this. 168 00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,563 What did she say? 169 00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:18,665 (angelic choir singing) 170 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,569 "I had a wonderful time 171 00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:25,238 "with my spikey‐haired after‐school buddy. 172 00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:29,142 "Sometimes I have to be tough on him so his behavior gets better, 173 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,111 "but he's smart as a whip. 174 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,812 "When he grows up, 175 00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,882 I bet there's no door he won't be able to open." 176 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,317 What does that mean? 177 00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:39,586 She's saying you have potential. 178 00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,054 Oh, my God. 179 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,241 I thought she hated me after I glued her to her chair. 180 00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,291 And yet she says I have potential. 181 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,395 I have a future. The sky's the limit! 182 00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,797 ("Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing) 183 00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,735 ("Hail to the Chief" playing) 184 00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:59,172 I got rid of the squeak in your chair, sir. 185 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,107 Good man. 186 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,943 When do I get paid? It's been three weeks. 187 00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:07,781 BART: Wow. Presidential chair tester. 188 00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:09,549 Can't do better than that. 189 00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:11,284 (sighs) This changes everything. 190 00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:12,952 All this time I was showing my butt, 191 00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:14,387 I was actually showing promise. 192 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,456 I'm gonna live up to that potential. 193 00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:19,793 ♪ I used to march down the windy, windy sidewalks ♪ 194 00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:21,728 ♪ Slapping my leg with a riding crop ♪ 195 00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:23,797 ♪ Thinking it made me come off so tough ♪ 196 00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:27,300 ♪ I didn't smile because a smile always seemed rehearsed ♪ 197 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,302 ♪ I wasn't afraid of the bullies ♪ 198 00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:32,038 ♪ And that just made the bullies worse. ♪ 199 00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,909 Pop art quiz! 200 00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:39,979 Is that a "pop" art quiz, or a "pop art" quiz? 201 00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,715 It's a "shut up and fill in the bubbles" quiz. 202 00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,818 Okay, how am I gonna blow this off? 203 00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:47,754 Maybe fill in all the bubbles to make a skull. 204 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:50,557 Now, hold on, Bart. You have potential. 205 00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:52,992 Why not really try and do it? 206 00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,728 - You think? - (chuckles) Yes. 207 00:09:56,729 --> 00:09:57,664 (gasps) 208 00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,132 I know this one. It's "B." 209 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,668 And after "B," the next answer's usually "C." 210 00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:04,003 And the next one I can get from Martin. 211 00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:09,008 ♪ 212 00:10:09,075 --> 00:10:11,111 This cake is for Bart. 213 00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:13,179 He got an "A" on his test. 214 00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:14,314 Mm‐hmm. 215 00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,683 What's a matter? Wondering how I cheated? 216 00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:19,919 You know, all my thoughts aren't about you. 217 00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:22,522 LISA: How did he do it? I must find out. 218 00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:26,993 (gasps) Oh, God. All my thoughts are about him. 219 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,595 Think pony. Think pony. 220 00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,763 ‐(pony brays) ‐(yells) 221 00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:33,099 How'd you do it, Bart? How'd you do it? 222 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,535 We're just gonna be very happy about this grade 223 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,937 and not ask questions. 224 00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:40,039 How did he do it? How did he do it? 225 00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:42,442 Do I have two high‐achieving kids? 226 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,511 Oh, be realistic, Marge. 227 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,779 He must be hiding something. 228 00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,882 ♪ ♪ 229 00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:56,456 Ah, he's clean. 230 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,191 And so is his room. 231 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,393 I see you couldn't find out how he did it. 232 00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,496 No offense, Mom, but mind if I take a whack? 233 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:06,065 Help yourself. 234 00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:08,234 How, Maggie? How? 235 00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,504 Oh, the treehouse, right. 236 00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,706 The answer's in the treehouse. 237 00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:19,846 Ay Krabappel! 238 00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:22,348 This is a new low, even for you. 239 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,349 Thanks. 240 00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,684 Okay, spill it. 241 00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,352 What dirt did you find? 242 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:29,689 I'm only on page 35, but it's so clear she thought I was great. 243 00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:31,291 She really liked me. 244 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:33,326 Even when I brought in a dead bird from outside, 245 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,861 which I've actually forgotten. 246 00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,196 What? 247 00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:38,364 LISA: Poor, deluded Bart. 248 00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,767 She was writing that about her cat. 249 00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:43,203 She loved how much I love tuna. 250 00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,838 I don't remember that either, but it was meaningful to her. 251 00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:47,207 Listen, Bart... 252 00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:50,043 And she said I was too adorable to be sterilized. 253 00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,778 Oh, her words, not mine. 254 00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:53,213 - Bart... - She believed in me. 255 00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:55,215 And now I believe in myself. 256 00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:57,784 And I'll tell you something crazy: I loved getting that "A." 257 00:11:57,850 --> 00:12:00,119 Which means, you know what? Suddenly, I get you. 258 00:12:00,186 --> 00:12:02,055 You don't suck. 259 00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:04,457 You not only don't suck, you believe in my potential, too. 260 00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:05,524 Don't you? 261 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,660 (groans) 262 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,429 We're just two smart kids. 263 00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:10,997 I... I... I... 264 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,498 (groans) Okay. 265 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,167 I believe in you, too. 266 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:17,837 And I have nothing more to say except... (grunts) 267 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,806 Nothing but... (groans) 268 00:12:19,872 --> 00:12:22,342 Which is worse, to be cruel or to lie? 269 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,277 They're both great, just like us. 270 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,945 Two smart kids. 271 00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,513 And you know what I'm gonna do now? 272 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,416 I'm gonna change someone else's life for the better. 273 00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:31,784 (cash register dings) 274 00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:33,519 BART: Willie? 275 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,954 I heard‐‐ can't say where‐‐ 276 00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:36,689 that you're actually pretty lonely. 277 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,625 So I got you this little guy. 278 00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,526 A Scotsman lonely? 279 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,995 Bannocks to that! 280 00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:45,031 But I will take your wee coney... 281 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,100 for me evening stew! 282 00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,372 Do you like your stew? 283 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:56,042 It's got lots of extra carrots for a growing bunny. 284 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,344 And when you grow fat enough, 285 00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:01,147 I'll stick you in a bubbling pot of water... 286 00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,616 for your Saturday bath. 287 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:04,984 Oh, I love you. 288 00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:08,321 (groans) This lie has made Bart a new man. 289 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:11,057 And it's giving me anxiety attacks. 290 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,825 (hyperventilating) 291 00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:14,827 Relax. Relax. 292 00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:17,497 Ugh, so anxious. (screams) 293 00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:20,166 - What's this? - You've got bumpies! 294 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,902 Let me give you some lotion. 295 00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:26,239 I'll be fine. 296 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,941 I just need a calming bath and a good night's sleep. 297 00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:31,744 (gentle music playing) 298 00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:39,018 (chanting): Om... om... 299 00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:41,020 Oh, my God! 300 00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:43,756 I'm helping him live a lie that may ruin him! 301 00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:49,128 Hmm. Sometimes tension hives are the result of inner stress. 302 00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:51,464 Is anything bothering you, young lady? 303 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,533 Just the usual‐‐ global disasters, 304 00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:56,035 artificial intelligence taking over, 305 00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:58,705 the cold, dead eyes of Mike Pence. 306 00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:01,808 Hmm. Well, I could refer you to psychological counseling, 307 00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:03,609 but why fix what you can numb? 308 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:06,612 So I'm gonna prescribe some Sleepy and Dopey's 309 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,648 children's chewable Xanax. 310 00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,316 (laughs) 311 00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:12,819 I don't want my daughter on meds. 312 00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:14,487 You seem upset, Marge. 313 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,322 Talk to your doctor about Troxodone. 314 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:17,824 You are my doctor. 315 00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,126 Well, well, well. Fancy that. 316 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,294 (laughs) 317 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,662 This is gonna turn your life 318 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,164 into an oasis of peaceful zombitude. 319 00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:27,133 Side effects may include bleeding out your ears, 320 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,711 Portuguese insolence, wandering eyebrow, 321 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,535 intense longing for death, and seeing yourself 322 00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,672 as others see you. (laughs) 323 00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,776 When the last student finishes using the lice comb, 324 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,344 please pass it back up. 325 00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:44,016 Now our major award of the day. 326 00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,418 For me? 327 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:49,422 But my shelves are already groaning with kudos. 328 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,023 - Not for you. - Aw. 329 00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:52,968 For the only student who's shown dramatic improvement 330 00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:55,027 in the history of this school: Bart Simpson! 331 00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:57,163 - Let's hear it for him. - (student coughs) 332 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,932 I'll take names if I don't hear cheers. 333 00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:03,136 STUDENTS (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! 334 00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:06,305 I just want to say thank you, Mrs. K. 335 00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:08,541 You wrote the book on teaching. 336 00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,944 And now, his sister, Lisa Simpson, 337 00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:15,148 will lead us in a round of "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow." 338 00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:16,716 What? 339 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,986 ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪ 340 00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:23,790 ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow... ♪ 341 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,325 To the laser tag water park! 342 00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:27,794 (students cheering) 343 00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:33,733 Take the freeway! It's quicker! 344 00:15:35,902 --> 00:15:38,137 ♪ All of it's based on a lie ♪ 345 00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:40,139 ♪ All of it's based on a lie ♪ 346 00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:42,475 ♪ For he's a jolly big phony ♪ 347 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,944 ♪ And only I know why. ♪ 348 00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:47,480 (clears throat) Assembly item number two: 349 00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,016 - don't take drugs. - I don't! 350 00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:52,084 Our most successful assembly ever. 351 00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:58,400 Thanks to Mrs. K, I fear nothing. Not even long division. 352 00:15:58,424 --> 00:15:59,358 Hmm. 353 00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:00,626 What if there's a remainder? 354 00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,929 Still a little scary. 355 00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,364 You wanted to do well, but you're not even studying. 356 00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,433 You don't have to study when you're on a roll. 357 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,135 You heard them cheering me. 358 00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,471 STUDENTS (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! Not Lisa! 359 00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:13,439 I wish you hadn't had them do that. 360 00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:14,974 You know what I'm gonna do now? 361 00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:17,210 I'm gonna enter the spelling bee. 362 00:16:19,045 --> 00:16:20,980 Um, really? Just like that? 363 00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,915 How about a little reality check? 364 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,817 Spell "pneumatic." 365 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,219 No problem. 366 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,322 You're gonna start it with an "N," aren't you? 367 00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:31,324 I'll know when the spotlight hits me. 368 00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:32,992 Two smart kids. 369 00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:36,128 Bart, spelling bees are very public. 370 00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:39,632 So if, by some fluke, you don't do well, 371 00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:42,668 you'll be embarrassed in front of the whole school. 372 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:46,639 Worse than the time you sat on the peanut butter cup. 373 00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,174 People knew what it was. 374 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:49,909 No, they didn't. 375 00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:54,280 LISA: Let him learn his lesson. Let him gain from it. 376 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,015 It's not up to you to save him. 377 00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:57,416 (gasps) 378 00:16:57,483 --> 00:16:59,652 The first contestant is our most‐improved student, 379 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:02,955 Bart Simpson, and the word is "interlude." 380 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,758 Um, can you use it in a sentence? 381 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,860 I need an interlude with my brother! 382 00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:10,429 I have to explain something. 383 00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:12,298 Obsolescence‐‐ O‐B... 384 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,510 You don't have to explain. It's totally understandable. 385 00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:17,303 You're just jealous. I used to be a mixed‐up kid like you. 386 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,705 You're just not reading the right diaries. 387 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,140 MILHOUSE: Obsequious... 388 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:24,076 Bart, there's a page in the diary you didn't read yet. 389 00:17:24,143 --> 00:17:26,279 (inhales) I'm sorry. 390 00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:27,647 I'm so sorry. 391 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,515 I just don't want you hurt. 392 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,920 "My special little guy has the fluffiest tail"? 393 00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:36,255 Still think she's talking about you? 394 00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,324 Could be. I played a reindeer in the school play. 395 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,626 Which was weird, because it wasn't a Christmas play. 396 00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:41,727 Keep reading. 397 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,596 "Purring when I pet him"? 398 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,140 "Scratching at the bell on his collar"? 399 00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:47,833 "Always using his litter box appropriately"? 400 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,303 Oh, it wasn't me who had potential. 401 00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:52,738 It's a frickin' cat! 402 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,909 (whimpering) 403 00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,011 (gasps) 404 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,581 (whimpering) 405 00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,683 Oh. No bumps. 406 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:07,019 - I brought you dinner. - Don't want it. 407 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,689 I'm just a loser kid, and that's all I will ever be. 408 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,223 Oh, honey... 409 00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:12,692 Mom, I'm gonna go over the edge 410 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,560 if you try to make me feel better right now. 411 00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,362 Hmm... 412 00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:22,468 So, I understand 413 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,071 you've been reading Edna's diary. 414 00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:26,806 Yeah, I'm sorry. 415 00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:29,408 I sure hope there's something in the Bible about forgiveness. 416 00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:31,310 Son, I'm not here to judge you. 417 00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:33,312 Curiosity is one of the devil's sharpest tools. 418 00:18:33,379 --> 00:18:35,615 That's why I don't even look down in the shower. 419 00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:38,250 Eyes always up into God's scalding water. 420 00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:39,919 (chuckles) 421 00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:41,988 Okay, I'll get to the point. I'm here to tell you 422 00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:43,823 something that might make you feel better. 423 00:18:43,889 --> 00:18:45,424 Did you know Edna and I once 424 00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:47,426 were thinking of leaving Springfield? 425 00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:49,128 Oh, I feel so much better. 426 00:18:49,195 --> 00:18:51,664 How does he do it? I don't know! 427 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,499 But the fact is we didn't move. 428 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:54,967 We had a family meeting. 429 00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:56,802 It was Todd's turn at the gavel. 430 00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,838 TODD: Order! Order! 431 00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:02,041 Now, we can't leave Springfield unless it's unanimous. Todd? 432 00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:03,943 TODD: I vote "yes." I can finally get away 433 00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:05,911 from that ladybug that scares me. 434 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:09,849 I'm tired of Mr. Simpson peeing in our bird bath. 435 00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:13,285 Well, that's one, two, three, and... 436 00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:15,121 I have to stay here in Springfield, 437 00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:17,189 because boys like Bart Simpson need me. 438 00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:19,592 Sweet, misunderstood boys, 439 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,361 who just need someone to recognize the basic goodness 440 00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:24,130 that's trapped inside them 441 00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:26,966 and is desperately trying to get out. 442 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,300 (sneezes) 443 00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,302 She was allergic to the cat, but, uh, 444 00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:32,304 you were nothing to sneeze at, son. 445 00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:34,640 Well, did that help? 446 00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:35,975 Yeah! 447 00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,777 Now let us give thanks. 448 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,079 If only people stopped when they made their point. 449 00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,480 But thanks. 450 00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:43,482 And this belongs to you. 451 00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:44,950 You might want to read it. 452 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,652 You come off pretty well. 453 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:49,288 No sirree, Bob. Those are Edna's private thoughts, 454 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,557 and they're gonna stay private. 455 00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:53,959 Did you fix Bart? 456 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,127 Yep. 457 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,495 What's in your hand? 458 00:19:56,562 --> 00:19:58,898 Uh, uh, nothing. 459 00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:01,333 ♪ ♪ 460 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,402 "Now that I've been with Ned a year, 461 00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:05,504 he's made my life a living..." 462 00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:08,407 I'll think of a penance. 463 00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,844 "Dream come true." 464 00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:14,580 Oh. (sniffles) Now I got to clean my specs. 465 00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,082 Thanks, Edna. 466 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:24,924 ♪ I found her diary underneath a tree ♪ 467 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:29,428 ♪ And started reading about me ♪ 468 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:35,534 ♪ The words she'd written took me by surprise ♪ 469 00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:39,605 ♪ You'd never read them in her eyes ♪ 470 00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:45,544 ♪ All the sweet things they can find. ♪ 471 00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:50,416 ♪ 472 00:20:58,357 --> 00:21:00,326 (singers vocalizing) 473 00:21:29,088 --> 00:21:30,589 Shh!