1 00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:08,208 (marching band playing) 2 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,144 Happy Parade Day! 3 00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:14,314 It's the Parade Day Parade! 4 00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:15,749 (horns honking) 5 00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,484 Clear the roadway! 6 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:20,654 Your antics inconvenience hundreds! 7 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,524 Hooray for parades! 8 00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:26,059 Your antics delight one and all! 9 00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:30,163 Follow me, Little Lord Ralph! 10 00:00:32,065 --> 00:00:34,501 What's hiding behind the Great Green Wall? 11 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,003 A choo choo? Some buttons? 12 00:00:36,069 --> 00:00:38,005 A dog ten feet tall? 13 00:00:38,071 --> 00:00:40,674 ♪ ♪ 14 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:42,776 Hmm‐hmm. 15 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:49,616 (gasps) My eyes told me a secret! 16 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:50,951 (school bell rings) 17 00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:53,453 Aw, last day of school. 18 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,456 Lot of fond memories in here. 19 00:00:56,523 --> 00:00:58,859 - Furnace. - On it. 20 00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,069 I know what's behind the Big Hedge, 21 00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:01,337 because I went behind the Big Hedge 22 00:01:01,361 --> 00:01:02,801 and I saw what's behind the Big Hedge 23 00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,998 and now I'm gonna tell you. Yay! 24 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,401 The Big Hedge? As in the Big Hedge? 25 00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,803 No one knows what's behind that thing. 26 00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:12,239 Although, a seventh grader once told me 27 00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,408 it was naked ladies setting off fireworks. 28 00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:17,911 I heard it's where divorced parents go to get back together. 29 00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:22,015 No, sir! It's where they hold the Independent Spirit Awards! 30 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,751 If you call that independent. 31 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:28,255 No, it's the best playground ever! 32 00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:31,925 There's Easter eggs and baby cars that anyone can drive. 33 00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:34,595 And this many clowns in clown pants! 34 00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:37,931 (chuckles) Dang, that's hella clowns. 35 00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,134 - (raccoon chitters) - How the crotch 36 00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:42,936 do we get through that thing? 37 00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,838 I've seen my dad do this. 38 00:01:50,510 --> 00:01:52,446 (birds chirping) 39 00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:54,414 - Wow! - OTHERS: Whoa! 40 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:59,853 See? Easter eggs, clown pants and baby cars. 41 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,322 I love you, clowns! 42 00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:06,126 There's a golf course in the middle of Springfield? 43 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,562 NELSON: What's golf? 44 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,998 I've never seen a golf course anywhere, 45 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,899 except those commercials for pills 46 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,068 that give old people their life back. 47 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,503 - Duckies! - (ducks quacking) 48 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,006 I'm gonna go steal their wet bread. 49 00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:22,909 Whoa, I've never seen Jimbo looking so sharp. 50 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,911 Is he bullying rich guys now? 51 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,247 Fine round today, sir. 52 00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,850 You know, I hope to be a doctor myself. 53 00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:32,686 It's always been my dream to work around blood. 54 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,488 (laughs) 55 00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:37,057 Well, maybe this will help with medical school. 56 00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:41,762 Whoa! 20 bucks! 57 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,697 (Jimbo chuckles) 58 00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,541 What the hell, Jimbo? You just suck up to that guy 59 00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:46,767 and he gives you money? 60 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,268 It's not sucking up. 61 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,937 Rich guys love hearing how great they are, 62 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,806 and they're willing to pay for it. 63 00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,775 Money pay. 64 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,443 Mwah. 65 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,578 Look away, pervs! 66 00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,082 We'd like jobs, please. 67 00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:05,452 Well, you seem a little young, but I do need the help. 68 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,487 I'm out several of my best caddies 69 00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:09,790 due to an elaborate virginity‐losing wager. 70 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,025 Here are your first assignments. 71 00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:16,063 You know, I've never really sucked up to anyone before. 72 00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,298 Sure, I've lied, scammed, grifted, 73 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,267 but this feels different. 74 00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:21,401 Special. 75 00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:23,603 Well, I'm a Van Houten. 76 00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:25,972 Watch and learn. 77 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:29,576 Dang! Looks like I got the handsomest golfer 78 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,578 in the whole damn club! 79 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,780 ‐(shudders) ‐(groans) 80 00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:36,416 You fine, boy! 81 00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:38,418 Hmm, you're new. 82 00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:41,421 Uh, that's why they assigned me to you. 83 00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,423 The best way to learn the course 84 00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,258 is by watching a master carve it up 85 00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:47,160 like a Thanksgiving turkey. 86 00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,596 Hmm. 87 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:50,864 Hmm. That does sound 88 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,132 like something they would say. 89 00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,601 (chuckles) Let's play some golf. 90 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,269 (exhales): Whew. 91 00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:57,838 (grunting) 92 00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,306 Wait till my friends hear I caddied 93 00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:01,875 for Kent "The Straight Dope" Brockman. 94 00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,877 We watch you every night. 95 00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:06,947 Really? I thought youngsters got their news from the Internet. 96 00:04:07,013 --> 00:04:10,784 Pfft. No way. My boys think broadcast news is the swagness. 97 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:13,220 And the girls call you "a snack." 98 00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:15,555 Hope it's okay for me to use the current lingo. 99 00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:17,557 The snack will allow it. 100 00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:20,327 Stacy and I, well, it's, uh... 101 00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:21,394 it's complicated. 102 00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:22,996 Isn't it always? 103 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,766 She's a terrific person and a top‐notch meteorologist. 104 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,735 But if I'm dodging her calls after three months... 105 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,071 I think you've already made up your mind. 106 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:34,074 You just don't want to admit it, 'cause you're a kind person. 107 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,309 Mm. Guilty as charged. 108 00:04:38,378 --> 00:04:39,579 You da man! 109 00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:42,582 Muzzle your nonsense, imbecile! 110 00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:44,184 Said da man! 111 00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:45,819 This is "The Straight Dope," 112 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,854 thanking you for a wonderful round. 113 00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,756 BART: This is it. The moment of trut. 114 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,324 Did I kiss enough butt? 115 00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:53,593 Only money will tell. 116 00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:55,262 (shudders) 117 00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:57,197 I thought all money was the same. 118 00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,699 But the best money is peeled off a wad. 119 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:02,035 ♪ Cash rules everything around me ♪ 120 00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:03,279 ♪ C. R. E. A. M., get the money ♪ 121 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,305 ♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪ 122 00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:07,240 ♪ Cash rules everything around me ♪ 123 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,584 ♪ C. R. E. A. M., get the money ♪ 124 00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:10,644 ♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪ 125 00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:12,479 ♪ Cash rules everything around me ♪ 126 00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:13,947 ♪ C. R. E. A. M., get the money ♪ 127 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,782 ♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪ 128 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,617 ♪ Cash rules everything around me ♪ 129 00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:19,953 ♪ C. R. E. A. M., get the money. ♪ 130 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,556 There's my number one son. 131 00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:25,892 Come sit next to your proud papa, workin' man. 132 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,561 We're all proud of you. 133 00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,095 I'm sure Bart will learn a lot 134 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,965 carrying a bag of sticks from place to place. 135 00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,901 They're called golf bats, Lis. 136 00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,903 Nice starter wad. 137 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,406 You want to see what I'm rolling with? 138 00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:42,576 Whoa! That rubber band is just straining! 139 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:43,643 Can I hold it? 140 00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:45,078 Hey, be careful with that! 141 00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,146 - Whoa! - (Homer moans) 142 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,649 No‐static dryer sheets? 143 00:05:49,716 --> 00:05:51,918 You pad your wad? 144 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,253 (gasping) 145 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,422 I'm not the father you thought you married! 146 00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:57,157 (crying) 147 00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:59,144 - (sprinklers running) - (golf club strikes ball) 148 00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:00,760 Look, Maggie. 149 00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:02,863 Your brother is doing a job. 150 00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,397 Aren't you proud of him? 151 00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:06,066 Aren't you? (chuckles) 152 00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:07,667 Want to sneak a peek? 153 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:13,039 ...and in the end, everyone lost money but me. 154 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,442 Wow. I've learned so much today, 155 00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:19,045 about golf, life and oil leases. 156 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:22,282 I wish I had tribal land for you to build a pipeline on. 157 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:25,986 I'd be honored if you'd frack under my house someday, sir. 158 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:32,525 Ugh. I've never seen my son... suck up before. 159 00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,395 Easy money. Mwah. 160 00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:38,732 You don't kiss all the golfers' butts like that, do you? 161 00:06:38,798 --> 00:06:41,968 Oh, Mom. These rich guys expect a little... (smooching) 162 00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,738 in exchange for some... ah. 163 00:06:44,804 --> 00:06:46,072 It's no big deal. 164 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:49,075 On one hand, I'm glad you're being polite. 165 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,477 On the other hand... 166 00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:52,579 (shudders loudly) 167 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:55,749 Wow, I never thought of it that way, Mom. 168 00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:58,585 No one looks out for me the way you do. 169 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,520 You are the shining star 170 00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:03,023 that guides this family through the darkness. 171 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,458 Oh, aren't you sweet. 172 00:07:05,525 --> 00:07:08,295 Why don't we stop by the skateboard store on the way home 173 00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,529 and I'll buy you... (gasps) 174 00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:10,730 (grumbles) 175 00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:11,798 Suck‐up. 176 00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,266 (cackling) 177 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,940 So, there we are on the 18th green. 178 00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:21,875 The course has been a bear all morning. 179 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,977 I tell Judge Snyder to shut that all out 180 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:25,478 and just be in the moment. 181 00:07:25,545 --> 00:07:27,714 - He nods, plants his feet. - (gasps) Mm‐hmm? 182 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,883 - And, in one smooth motion... - Mm? 183 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,786 - ...tips me 50 bucks! - (gasps) 184 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,889 Wow. Just... wow. 185 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,825 Why do I suddenly want to bring Bart's car around? 186 00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,860 (Bart humming) 187 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,464 Here you go. Buy yourself a bigger tip jar. 188 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:45,832 (bell dings) 189 00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,567 (plays note on harmonica) 190 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,469 ♪ Tip's in the jar, grateful we are ♪ 191 00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:51,671 ♪ Praised be your name, you've raised the game ♪ 192 00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:53,473 ♪ Some give us zip, it's such a rip ♪ 193 00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,508 ♪ Shame them with song, they're in the wrong ♪ 194 00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:57,019 ♪ All of the grown‐ups in here just... ♪ 195 00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,345 Doesn't it bother you 196 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,013 that Bart made that money... 197 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,682 (quietly): sucking up to those golfers? 198 00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:04,884 Marge, sucking up is the American way. 199 00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:06,686 In this country, everybody got together 200 00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:08,855 and decided that all the money should belong 201 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,891 to a few dozen families and their favorite suck‐ups. 202 00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:15,362 Don't you remember when we all decided that? 203 00:08:15,428 --> 00:08:17,530 ‐(groans) ‐And of all the things 204 00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:19,299 that Bart might do for money, 205 00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:21,434 this is by far the most legal. 206 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,536 Other people are paying our son. 207 00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:24,871 And in cash! 208 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,874 It's both aboveboard and under the table. 209 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,043 That's the dream! 210 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,379 Homie, I know it's not logical, 211 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,547 but when I saw Bart at that golf course, 212 00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:37,584 my mothering spirit just wanted to hurl. 213 00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,719 Back me up on this one. 214 00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,122 Tell our son he has to quit. 215 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,391 Quit being a caddy? No way! 216 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,393 How much did Mom give you to tell me that? 217 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,728 Uh... n‐nothing. 218 00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,163 Well, I can do better than that. 219 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,399 Will 20 bucks make this go away? 220 00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:55,068 Well, I guess I can tell her I did my best. 221 00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:58,405 Tell her you did your... very best. 222 00:08:58,471 --> 00:08:59,806 Mm‐hmm. 223 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,008 Now that you got your own pool, 224 00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:04,177 what are you gonna buy next? 225 00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,621 I'm thinking of getting one of those booths 226 00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:07,013 that blows money around. 227 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,182 It pays for itself the first time you get in it. 228 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:10,617 Bart, no! 229 00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:12,685 That wad is your future. 230 00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:15,688 What you need is a good investment vehicle. 231 00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:16,923 Hmm. 232 00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:19,459 (all exclaiming) 233 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:23,029 "Patented Ultra‐Freedom BadAss Technology 234 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:26,199 stops the engine if the driver puts on a helmet." 235 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,300 - Yes! - Yeah! 236 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,702 After you buy it, can we have rides? 237 00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:32,372 Guys, guys, if I shared my death‐mobile, 238 00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:35,208 then you wouldn't be motivated to earn wads of your own. 239 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,043 I'm doing this for you. 240 00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:40,280 Yeah, well, you're acting like a butt wad. 241 00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:42,082 (chuckles): Oh, Nelson. 242 00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,951 Saying what you really think will get you nowhere. 243 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,462 - Lousy rich kids. - (grumbling, muttering) 244 00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:47,930 - MARTIN: If I had a quad, I'd share my quad. - Lame. 245 00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:49,956 (huffing angrily) 246 00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:52,425 Mm! 247 00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:55,628 (grumbling loudly) 248 00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:58,064 Okay, okay, I'll tell you what's bothering me. 249 00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,732 It's Bart's caddy job. 250 00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:01,101 It's gross, right? 251 00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,602 You can tell me it's gross. 252 00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:03,837 You think it's gross? 253 00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:06,840 Well, private golf clubs are pretty evil. 254 00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:08,475 Right. They are. 255 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,876 How so? 256 00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,246 Wow, look at all these. 257 00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,248 Waste of water resources, 258 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:16,483 pesticide use, 259 00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,651 history of sexism and racism... 260 00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:20,420 And Bart's a suck‐up! 261 00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,255 Not to mention that private clubs 262 00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:25,258 get huge breaks on their property taxes, 263 00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,026 which is completely unfair. 264 00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,262 Why shouldn't rich people pay their share? 265 00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,764 Lisa, we've got to shut down that club. 266 00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:34,167 We're going to city hall! 267 00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,002 ♪ ♪ 268 00:10:36,936 --> 00:10:38,338 (golf ball clacks) 269 00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:41,841 (both grumbling) 270 00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,681 ‐(snarling) ‐Oh! 271 00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:54,220 Club President Bildorf. 272 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,955 Plays every single day 273 00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:58,458 and never tips less than 100 bucks. 274 00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:01,594 (whistles) Looks like I picked the right summer job. 275 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,497 Mark my words‐‐ his bag will be on my shoulder 276 00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:06,399 before this year's Father‐Son 277 00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:09,569 Bingo‐Bango‐Bongo Best‐Ball Scramble. 278 00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,113 You know, since school's not in session, 279 00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,139 I can finally tell you... 280 00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,807 you're awesome. 281 00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:17,577 - Mm... - Hmm? Hmm? 282 00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,312 I'll take Simpson. 283 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,416 (chuckles) 284 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,251 Eh, I just won't play. 285 00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:26,252 Mm. 286 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,587 ♪ ♪ 287 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,023 Okay, Mom. You got to get your voice out there. 288 00:11:30,089 --> 00:11:32,025 Take the cause directly to the people 289 00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:34,327 with an online petition. 290 00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:37,430 I got this! 291 00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:40,033 There. 292 00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:42,302 Now all I need is a catchy title. 293 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:43,369 (gasps) I got it. 294 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,038 "Stop Coddling 295 00:11:45,104 --> 00:11:47,607 the Springfield Junipers Wealthy." 296 00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:49,275 Whoops, too long. Hmm. 297 00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,711 How about "Stop Coddling 298 00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:53,279 the S. J. W. s." 299 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:54,781 And post. 300 00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:57,550 I wonder if that headline will get any attention. 301 00:11:57,617 --> 00:12:00,954 An online petition attacking our local private golf club 302 00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:03,656 has garnered over one million signatures. 303 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,892 ‐(both gasp) ‐One million? 304 00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,560 (gasps) Mom, 305 00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:10,396 you used the term "S. J. W." 306 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:11,531 Yes, I know. 307 00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:13,499 The "Springfield Junipers Wealthy." 308 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:17,904 No! "S. J. W." stands for "social justice warriors." 309 00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:20,306 That's what right‐wing trolls call anyone who cares 310 00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,141 about positive social change. 311 00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:24,310 Look at the other online petitions 312 00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,579 your "supporters" have backed. 313 00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:29,082 MARGE: Oh, boy. 314 00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:32,352 Um, a signature's a signature? 315 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,796 Thanks to the cranky clicks collected 316 00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,588 by local complainer Marge Simpson, 317 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,357 Springfield's golf club will have to pay 318 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,158 a huge property tax increase, 319 00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:41,427 threatening the club's very existence. 320 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,630 In one reporter's unbiased opinion, 321 00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:47,600 closing this par‐72 landmark would be a travesty. 322 00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,035 One and all would mourn the loss 323 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,271 of this exclusive private green space 324 00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:53,640 and Ramon's famous Bloody Marys. 325 00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:56,209 He uses a golf tee as an olive skewer. 326 00:12:57,176 --> 00:12:58,778 I think it's Ramon. 327 00:12:58,845 --> 00:13:00,713 I finally found something I'm good at, 328 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,815 and you want to ruin it! 329 00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:05,427 You don't know what it's like to bring something into this world, 330 00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:08,721 watch it grow and worry about it day and night. 331 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,490 I love you, Wad. 332 00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:12,792 We're going shopping for rubber bands. 333 00:13:12,859 --> 00:13:15,161 You deserve it! 334 00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:18,231 Simpson, report to the first tee. 335 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,333 You're going to the show. 336 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,567 Yes! 337 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:26,306 Digitaria sanguinalis. 338 00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:29,175 Tell Tetsuo he's fired. 339 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:31,344 I think it's Tetsuo. 340 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,747 Mr. Club President? 341 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,482 I'm sorry, for a second there, 342 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,985 I mistook you for a young Pierce Brosnan. 343 00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,086 Very young. 344 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,354 Ha! 345 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,856 Spare me, kid. I've heard it all. 346 00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:48,261 Simpson, your mother's campaign is going to bankrupt this club. 347 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,697 I need you to convince her to call it off. 348 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,098 Oh, I am trying. 349 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,701 My mom never backs down, no matter how wrong she is. 350 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,269 (gasps) 351 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,871 That's why she's still married to my dad! 352 00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:02,208 (stammers) Why are charities and churches 353 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:05,712 the only ones that don't have to pay taxes? 354 00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:07,914 (chuckles): It's preposterous. 355 00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:11,250 Yeah, man, this place is better than any church. 356 00:14:11,317 --> 00:14:13,252 Everyone wants to come here on Sunday, 357 00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:15,321 people are always shouting out the Lord's name 358 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,956 and, instead of wafers and wine, 359 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:20,560 you get club sandwiches and scotch in a plastic cup! 360 00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:21,894 Bart Simpson, 361 00:14:21,961 --> 00:14:24,297 you've just given me the greatest idea 362 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,900 since little whales embroidered on khakis. 363 00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,836 (whales singing) 364 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,406 As of today, the sport of golf 365 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,508 is officially declared a religion. 366 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,310 The Springfield Junipers Golf Club 367 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,412 is now a house of worship. 368 00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:42,849 Like all religions, golf will be completely tax‐exempt, 369 00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:44,917 adhering to the core American credo 370 00:14:44,984 --> 00:14:47,086 that churches rake it in but pay nothing. 371 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,522 May Golf have mercy on us all. 372 00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,258 Mm. 373 00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:53,659 (groans) 374 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:57,906 - (crowd oohing) - MAN: Get in the hole! 375 00:14:57,930 --> 00:14:59,699 (excited murmuring) 376 00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,768 (cheering) 377 00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:10,543 Thank you for coming, Your Holinesses. 378 00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,078 Once you see how these golfers 379 00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:14,914 are cheapening the whole idea of religion, 380 00:15:14,981 --> 00:15:17,150 you'll put an end to this sham. 381 00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:20,787 You want me to cast judgment on a faith other than my own? 382 00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,889 Well, twist my arm. 383 00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:24,457 (laughing) 384 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,826 ♪ I'm alright, Lordy, Lordy ♪ 385 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:29,562 ♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me, don't worry ♪ 386 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,664 ♪ You got to gimme a fight ♪ 387 00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:33,800 ♪ Why don't you just let me be? ♪ 388 00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:34,967 ♪ Hallelujah! ♪ 389 00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:36,068 Mm? 390 00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:38,571 Congregants, scripture, prayer‐‐ 391 00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:41,240 looks like a house of worship to me. 392 00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:42,909 (Marge grumbles) 393 00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:44,744 These aren't commandments. 394 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,412 They're jokes I don't get. 395 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:49,148 Well, there's plenty of saints. 396 00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:51,751 (Italian accent): Blessed Shark, 397 00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:54,420 deliver my son's golf ball safely 398 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:57,523 onto the green of Pebble Beach's notorious 399 00:15:57,590 --> 00:16:00,827 and evil 17th hole. 400 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,765 Look at this! It's like the high holidays every day. 401 00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:07,133 I should be so lucky. 402 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,634 Marge, I'm sorry, 403 00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:11,370 but I think this religion checks all the boxes. 404 00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,773 We're calling it. It's a faith. 405 00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,613 I just can't take seeing him like this. 406 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,615 Honey, over the years I've learned 407 00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:25,284 that you just want me to listen to your problems 408 00:16:25,351 --> 00:16:26,953 and not always try to solve them. 409 00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,821 So... good luck. 410 00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,061 It's Sunday. Shouldn't you be in church? 411 00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:36,395 I mean, your church. 412 00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:39,165 (sighs) I've said a lot to you about this job, 413 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:41,067 except what's deepest in my heart. 414 00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:44,237 Honey, the thing I've always admired most about you 415 00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:47,406 is that you've never needed anyone else's approval. 416 00:16:47,473 --> 00:16:49,475 And I'm worried you're gonna lose that. 417 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,444 I'm not gonna suck up forever. 418 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,079 Just until I'm rich. 419 00:16:53,145 --> 00:16:55,748 Then other people will suck up to me. 420 00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:58,584 Promise me these golf people won't take away 421 00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:00,286 my special little guy, 422 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:03,189 because they seem to get everything else they want. 423 00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,490 Mwah. 424 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,199 Ready to play, sir? 425 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:14,776 I see you've got a new diamond earring. 426 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,302 Very age‐appropriate. 427 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,238 Bart, you'll never caddy for me again. 428 00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:21,541 Now that your mother's no longer a threat, 429 00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:23,876 I can go back to Chadlington here. 430 00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:27,480 Him?! But my religion idea saved the club! 431 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,981 I should be your caddy. 432 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,116 I earned it! 433 00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:31,450 Earned? 434 00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:34,554 Earning things is so... 435 00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:35,555 tennis. 436 00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:38,224 Golf is about privilege. 437 00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:40,893 Fine. But someday I'm gonna be a member here, 438 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,296 and I'm gonna be cool to the caddies. 439 00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:45,164 Uh, you, a member? 440 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,133 (laughing): Oh, look, 441 00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:49,068 you made Chadlington laugh. 442 00:17:49,135 --> 00:17:51,070 (high‐pitched chuckling) 443 00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:54,507 Look, there's no path from where you are to where I am. 444 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:57,476 Once a suck‐up, always a suck‐up. 445 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,246 (grunts) 446 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:01,647 - ♪ - (panting) 447 00:18:04,183 --> 00:18:05,251 Mm? 448 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,187 Well, I earned this. 449 00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:11,757 Sorry, buddy, but it's time to say goodbye. 450 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:13,793 (golf club strikes ball) 451 00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:15,027 - Ah! - LOVEJOY: Fore! 452 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,395 You joined? 453 00:18:16,462 --> 00:18:17,663 They gave us a group deal. 454 00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,699 And they lifted their restrictions. 455 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:20,866 What's not to like? 456 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,535 Everything's not to like! 457 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,136 These people are horrible. 458 00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:26,772 Their stupid shoes clack‐clack‐clack everywhere. 459 00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:30,142 The snack shop buffalo wings are microwaved and... 460 00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:33,045 ‐(engine revving) ‐What the...? 461 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,948 ♪ ♪ 462 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,288 (quacking) 463 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,661 You made one mistake, Bildorf! 464 00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:51,297 You forgot about the wad. 465 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,232 It can buy a pretty nice ATV 466 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:56,302 or rent a whole bunch of them! 467 00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:57,670 ♪ ♪ 468 00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,472 ‐(shouting) ‐(engines revving) 469 00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:00,538 Booyah! 470 00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:01,874 Oh, no. 471 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,844 (high‐pitched whimpering) 472 00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:06,345 Kid power! 473 00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:08,581 (engines revving) 474 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,017 (exclaims) 475 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,351 Look at me! 476 00:19:12,418 --> 00:19:14,687 I'm playing golf! 477 00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,389 (laughing) 478 00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:20,126 Rum‐Ta‐Tum, your time has come! 479 00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,594 RALPH: Whee! 480 00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,630 (laughing) 481 00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:27,033 Class warfare! (giggling) 482 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:32,972 Bart Simpson, 483 00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,516 the next time you want to make a point... 484 00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:38,611 (chuckles) I would prefer you use your words. 485 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:42,948 Did you honestly think a little vandalism would shut us down? 486 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,117 (chuckles) Greens can be reseeded, 487 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,554 traps re‐sanded, roughs unsmoothed. 488 00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,056 The club will go on. 489 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,457 (siren wailing) 490 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:55,227 Ah, and here are the police to take you to jail. 491 00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,398 This is a raid! We're closing the club down! 492 00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,400 Bildorf, you're under arrest. 493 00:20:01,467 --> 00:20:03,335 (scoffs) Me? 494 00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:06,005 But they are the ne'er‐do‐wells. 495 00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:09,341 I am the head of a legitimate religion. 496 00:20:09,408 --> 00:20:10,576 You sure are. 497 00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:13,245 And like every new religion, sooner or later, 498 00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:15,715 it turns into a sex cult. 499 00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:26,692 In your case, it was really... sooner. 500 00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,695 ♪ 501 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:34,667 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 502 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:37,336 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 503 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,605 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 504 00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,792 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 505 00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:48,581 - ♪ I'm alright ♪ - ♪ I'm alright ♪ 506 00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:49,949 ♪ Nobody worry 'bout me ♪ 507 00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:52,685 ♪ Why you got to gimme a fight? ♪ 508 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:55,988 ♪ Can't you just let it be? ♪ 509 00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:59,225 - ♪ I'm alright ♪ - ♪ I'm alright ♪ 510 00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:01,393 ♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me ♪ 511 00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:04,630 - ♪ Nobody worry 'bout ♪ - ♪ You got to gimme a fight ♪ 512 00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:07,299 ♪ Why don't you just let me be? ♪ 513 00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:10,102 ‐♪ Let me ♪ 514 00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:13,739 - ♪ I'm alright ♪ - ♪ Nobody worry 'bout me ♪ 515 00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:16,242 ♪ Why you got to gimme a fight? ♪ 516 00:21:16,308 --> 00:21:19,812 ♪ Can't you just let it be? ♪ 517 00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:21,981 ♪ I'm alright ♪ 518 00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:25,684 - ♪ I'm alright ♪ - ♪ I'm alright ♪ 519 00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:27,586 ♪ I'm alright... ♪ 520 00:21:27,653 --> 00:21:29,455 Shh! 521 00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:31,466 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 522 00:21:31,490 --> 00:21:33,425 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 523 00:21:33,492 --> 00:21:35,361 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 524 00:21:35,427 --> 00:21:36,929 Shh! 525 00:21:39,331 --> 00:21:42,334 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org