1 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,571 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,373 (oinks) 3 00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:10,544 D'oh! 4 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,012 (grunts) 5 00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:13,881 (humming) 6 00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:15,449 (laughing) 7 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:16,884 Hmm? 8 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:18,018 Mmm. 9 00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:20,287 ♪ ♪ 10 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:27,427 (tires screech) 11 00:00:27,494 --> 00:00:30,030 ♪ ♪ 12 00:00:30,097 --> 00:00:31,665 (bells jingle) 13 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,911 Welcome. Good to see you. 14 00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,779 If you're here to use the bathroom, 15 00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:48,248 try the Burger King next door. 16 00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:50,384 Actually, we'd like to buy something. 17 00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:52,953 Wunderbar. I offer many things. 18 00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:54,354 Astounding tricks, 19 00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:56,557 confounding illusions. 20 00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:58,892 I also fix iPhones. 21 00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:01,128 You've heard of Steve Jobs? 22 00:01:01,194 --> 00:01:03,830 This is my kid, "No Jobs." 23 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,866 - Dad! - He's been angry 24 00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:08,101 since I made his mother disappear 25 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:11,438 with my cold attitude and the philandering. 26 00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:12,673 Achtung, Gramps. 27 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,142 I want to buy a magic set for my sister's birthday 28 00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:17,053 'cause that's the kind of lame‐o thing she'd like. 29 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,779 Magic is not "lame‐o." 30 00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:22,382 Let me show you a trick that made Angela Merkel say, 31 00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:25,385 "You are the worst Uber driver ever." 32 00:01:25,452 --> 00:01:26,386 (giggles) 33 00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:28,422 This underwear was once worn 34 00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:31,425 by Babar, King of the Elephants. 35 00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:33,760 Elephant underwear is tighty‐whities on Homer. 36 00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,563 Why, you little...! (grunts) 37 00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:39,766 What the...? The more I pull, 38 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,101 the tighter it gets. 39 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:43,737 The only solution? Pull more. 40 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,739 (grunting) 41 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,841 (gasping) 42 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,911 Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah‐nyeah‐nyeah! 43 00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:52,779 Will you two ever stop? 44 00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:53,914 Ever? 45 00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:56,249 Ah! Is it the future you seek? 46 00:01:56,316 --> 00:01:58,685 Well, then, move through this beaded curtain 47 00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:03,256 and past the Keurig coffee maker I bought but never use. 48 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:05,559 (mystical theremin music plays) 49 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:07,628 (music stops) 50 00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:11,098 Let us see what the tarot cards have to say. 51 00:02:11,164 --> 00:02:13,166 Eh. Tarot cards don't work. 52 00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:16,570 Don't they, Madam President? 53 00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,072 (gasps) 54 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:22,209 Now let us see what happens to Homer and Bart. 55 00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:23,977 How does he know our names? 56 00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:26,647 They are on your Starbucks coffee cups. 57 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:29,082 - Whoa. - Whoa. 58 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,685 PROPRIETOR: Good news, Homer. 59 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:32,752 In the future, 60 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,755 - you stop drinking. - Oh... 61 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:37,758 PROPRIETOR: And the boy becomes a fine person. 62 00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:38,992 What? No! 63 00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,894 Reversum predictum! 64 00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,030 It's licorice. Have some. 65 00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,231 Mmm... 66 00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:47,067 Now I turn more cards and... 67 00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:49,803 Oh, dear. This is rough. Very bad. 68 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:51,138 What? What? 69 00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:52,873 There will be years of trouble 70 00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:55,208 between Marge and Lisa. 71 00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,983 The trouble begins when you decide 72 00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:05,185 where you will go to college. 73 00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:07,788 What? Why are you saying that? What's wrong? 74 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,923 Do I get wait‐listed? Gap year? 75 00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,925 (gasps) Cornell?! 76 00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,827 Let's just say things have changed 77 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,729 when you are 17. 78 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,798 ♪ ♪ 79 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,207 Rise and shine! 80 00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:29,743 Ugh, Mom, please. 81 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,478 I was asleep. 82 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,180 Today's the day you're gonna find out 83 00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:35,348 what colleges you get into. 84 00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:37,751 Who cares? They all lost their glitter 85 00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,519 when Netflix bought Yale. 86 00:03:39,586 --> 00:03:41,288 Well, you will be the first Simpson 87 00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:44,891 to ever finish college now that Bart's given up. 88 00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,860 Why should I go to college? 89 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,462 I've become a master 90 00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:50,931 of Fruit Ninja. 91 00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:52,499 ♪ ♪ 92 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,701 (Bart grunting) 93 00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,870 - MAN: Salad complete. - (bell rings) 94 00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:58,405 Booyah. 95 00:03:58,472 --> 00:03:59,740 (humming) 96 00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,410 There she is. 97 00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:06,646 Our family's last and only remaining hope. 98 00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:08,782 Putting on a little pressure there, Grampa? 99 00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:11,585 It's just that you're the only worthwhile Simpson 100 00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:12,853 since... ever. 101 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,387 I'm counting on you to find the cure 102 00:04:14,454 --> 00:04:15,856 for everything that's gonna kill me. 103 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,524 - No pressure. - (sighs) 104 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,694 Wait a minute. This is on the wrong eye. 105 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,096 Ooh, much better. 106 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,767 (tires screech) 107 00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,102 Lisa, I have a question. 108 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:32,506 Please, don't mention the word "college." 109 00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:34,141 College? No way. 110 00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:36,376 This is a surprise promposal. 111 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,979 Guess who I hired to ask you on my behalf. 112 00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:40,247 My dad. 113 00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:43,850 Imitating Seth MacFarlane imitating Frank Sinatra. 114 00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,219 ♪ Take him to the prom ♪ 115 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:50,657 ♪ And let him dance forevermore ♪ 116 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,326 ♪ If you turn him down ♪ 117 00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:57,130 ♪ He will curl up on the floor ♪ 118 00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:59,032 ♪ In other words ♪ 119 00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,568 ♪ We're desperate ♪ 120 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,069 We really are. 121 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:06,206 ♪ A pity "yes" will do. ♪ 122 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:10,143 And you'll have to drive 'cause he can't. Ha! 123 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,611 I can see you're tempted, Lis. 124 00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:14,247 There's nothing cooler than a guy who's graduated 125 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:17,617 coming back for a younger kid's prom. (chuckles) 126 00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:22,556 Get out of here before I accidentally say "okay." 127 00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:23,924 Did I hear an "okay"? 128 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,059 (tires screeching) 129 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:28,528 (Lisa crying) 130 00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:31,464 Aw, hey, kid. What's the matter? 131 00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:34,267 Your whole life, for reasons I'll never understand, 132 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,469 you've been looking forward to college. 133 00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:37,571 Today, you get in. 134 00:05:37,637 --> 00:05:39,673 Things have changed since I was a kid. 135 00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:43,143 College costs a fortune, and does it really do any good? 136 00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,979 All you get is a piece of paper with your name on it. 137 00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,280 And it's written in Latin, 138 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,549 so the only people who can actually read it 139 00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:51,785 are dead Romans and Catholic priests. 140 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:55,555 And last I checked, none of them are handing out jobs. 141 00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:59,893 Then why did you study so hard and miss all the fun? 142 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:00,827 ♪ ♪ 143 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:04,164 ♪ Old days ♪ 144 00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:08,902 ♪ Good times I remember ♪ 145 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,371 ♪ Fun days ♪ 146 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,442 ♪ Filled with simple pleasure. ♪ 147 00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:17,944 I don't know now. I think of all those years 148 00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:19,713 where instead of being behind a book, 149 00:06:19,779 --> 00:06:21,348 I could've played kickball. 150 00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:23,683 So many jump ropes un‐jumped. 151 00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:25,785 Do you ever feel regret, Bart? 152 00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:28,255 I regret starting this conversation. 153 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:31,291 Every one. I got into every one. 154 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:33,827 Why does this moment feel so empty? 155 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,362 (conch shell blows) 156 00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:38,965 Come one, come all. Don't miss it. 157 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:40,400 Lisa, I told everyone 158 00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:42,102 you're going to make your pick today. 159 00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:44,871 This is the greatest moment of my life. 160 00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:47,173 Drumroll! 161 00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:49,976 (tinny drumroll) 162 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,978 ♪ A Simpson got into college ♪ 163 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,980 ♪ A Simpson got into college ♪ 164 00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:57,250 ♪ A Simpson got into college ♪ 165 00:06:57,317 --> 00:07:00,253 ♪ And I just never applied. ♪ 166 00:07:01,454 --> 00:07:04,591 Everyone, shh! It's the moment of truth. 167 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:05,759 (all cheer) 168 00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:08,695 Congratulations, Lisa. Which one are you gonna choose? 169 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,264 Bob Jones. Bob Jones. Bob Jones. 170 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,801 I, uh... 171 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,370 I'm not going to college. 172 00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,639 What?! Quit joking. 173 00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:22,542 Marge, nobody knows comedy like I don't. 174 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,144 She's not joking. 175 00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:26,646 Lisa, you can't do this. We're counting on you. 176 00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,982 Well, you know, Marge, I didn't go to college, 177 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,685 and I'm wealthy in the most important way: 178 00:07:31,751 --> 00:07:33,286 lack of student loans. 179 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,255 Do not encourage her. 180 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,524 Marge, her not going to college 181 00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:40,894 is the most money I'll ever earn. 182 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,862 Lisa, please. I'm giving you 183 00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:45,765 one last chance to salvage this day. 184 00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:47,200 I've lived for this moment. 185 00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,102 And all I've ever asked from you 186 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:51,571 is that everything that never happened to me 187 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,539 happens to you. 188 00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:55,241 And that justifies my existence on Earth 189 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,345 for the hours I spent holding you, cleaning you, 190 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,780 cooking your supper, drying your tears, 191 00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:02,082 catching your colds 192 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:05,085 and burying every personal need I had 193 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,220 just so I could have the brief joy 194 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,089 of setting up your dorm room 195 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,358 with the roommate from the fancy family 196 00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:15,328 who you'll spend the holidays with on their ranch in Colorado 197 00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:18,031 instead of coming home to me. 198 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:20,333 Once and for all, 199 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,902 which college are you going to? 200 00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:24,471 None. 201 00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:34,814 ♪ ♪ 202 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,084 I just wanted to say one thing. 203 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,186 - What's that? - Ingrate! 204 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,155 I'm sorry, but could you have decided 205 00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,691 you didn't want to go to college before ten years 206 00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:48,161 of me driving you to saxophone lessons, SAT prep, 207 00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:52,565 college tours of colleges you were never gonna go to?! 208 00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:55,168 (Marge groans) 209 00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:58,438 ‐(doors slamming) ‐Could it be 210 00:08:58,505 --> 00:09:00,407 that I'm finally the favorite parent? 211 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,509 Maggie, whose side are you on? 212 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,414 I don't like how digital she's getting. 213 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,750 Aw, you know just what to say. 214 00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:11,951 (groans softly) 215 00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:13,153 MARGE: Honey, 216 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,521 I baked you brownies to eat 217 00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:17,557 while you reconsider stuff you've done or said. 218 00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:19,325 Wait a minute. Do you actually think 219 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,629 your brownies will affect my life decisions? 220 00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,230 They have walnuts in them. 221 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:26,666 Mom, I never really liked your brownies, 222 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,968 and I'm not going to college. 223 00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:31,171 Really? Who are you? 224 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,939 All my life, I did what I thought 225 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,574 other people wanted me to do. 226 00:09:34,641 --> 00:09:36,242 Now I'm doing what I want. 227 00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,579 Oh. Someday, you're gonna have a daughter of your own, 228 00:09:39,646 --> 00:09:41,247 and you'll see how I feel. 229 00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,116 Who says I'm gonna have kids? 230 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:44,451 No college? No kids? 231 00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:47,120 How dare you lead the life I wish I'd led. 232 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,789 I'm burned out. I'm so burned out. 233 00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:52,525 I just need some time to think. 234 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,927 Okay. Just promise me 235 00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:56,162 that before you make any final decisions, 236 00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:59,666 - you'll talk to... - I know, I know. My father. 237 00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:00,934 I'm talking about the man 238 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,836 who's been there for every birthday. 239 00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:07,006 The one man who took pride in your every achievement. 240 00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,617 I'd love to talk with you, Lisa, but first, 241 00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:11,244 boys, it's 6:00 p. m. Time for bed. 242 00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,246 BOTH (deep voice): Yay! 243 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:16,382 College was my dream. Then I thought, 244 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:19,719 "Is it really my dream or just everyone else's?" 245 00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,554 Lisa, use the gifts God gave you 246 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,323 for whatever path He puts you on. 247 00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:25,024 Get a job. Learn the pride 248 00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:26,993 that comes with getting your own paycheck. 249 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:30,130 Of course. The dignity of work. 250 00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:31,798 Thank you, Mr. Flanders. 251 00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:34,534 ROD (deep voice): Daddy, can you come upstairs? 252 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,002 We're scared. 253 00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,338 Daddy, bring the monster spray! 254 00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:41,741 I may have over‐coddled them just a little bit. 255 00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:44,944 Now, I'm afraid the next kilometer 256 00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:47,947 on Lisa's autobahn of life would not be, 257 00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:50,617 as you say, easy peasy. 258 00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:54,354 ♪ ♪ 259 00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:56,055 Ooh, could I double down on those? 260 00:10:56,122 --> 00:10:57,991 This is not blackjack. 261 00:10:58,057 --> 00:10:59,859 I said hit me. 262 00:10:59,926 --> 00:11:01,161 Not blackjack. 263 00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:02,562 Come on, pal, hit me. 264 00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:03,563 Fine. 265 00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:04,631 You're busted. 266 00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:07,700 D'oh! Should've held on the hard Knave of Cups. 267 00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:09,602 I have no regrets. 268 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,404 I have no regrets. 269 00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,806 (sniffles) I have no regrets. 270 00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:17,010 (crying, mumbling) 271 00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:20,013 Simpson, the corn isn't sticking to the dogs. 272 00:11:20,079 --> 00:11:22,382 Why did I waste 30 minutes training you? 273 00:11:22,448 --> 00:11:24,918 Now the pulp is settling in the lemonade! 274 00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:26,519 Pump! Pump! 275 00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,188 Pump...! 276 00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,923 Why am I working here? 277 00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:31,324 Even I can't answer that, 278 00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,893 and I was a philosophy major at Brown. 279 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:34,960 Brown! 280 00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:37,630 Brown...! 281 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,199 God, that job sucks. 282 00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,167 Here's a little secret, honey. 283 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,302 All jobs suck. 284 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,237 That's why you get paid to do them. 285 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:45,605 So you had your gap week. 286 00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:47,974 Now you're finally going to college, right? 287 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,475 No. Not ever. 288 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,212 Okay, I can't change this, and I can't accept this. 289 00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:55,748 What do I do? Go downstairs and yell into the dryer. 290 00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:58,585 (footsteps descending stairs) 291 00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:00,186 (echoing): Why is she doing this?! 292 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,554 Why won't she go to college?! 293 00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:03,756 We've been planning this her whole life! 294 00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,091 Why?! 295 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,260 I'll have that picture and that picture 296 00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:10,029 and a diet that picture, if'n you please. 297 00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:11,564 Can't you read the names? 298 00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:12,699 No, ma'am. 299 00:12:12,765 --> 00:12:14,434 You seem to read just fine, 300 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,469 and you're stuck in this dump. 301 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:17,604 Not anymore. 302 00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:18,972 I know what I'm gonna do. 303 00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:22,609 I hope it starts with pressin' the button what brings my food. 304 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,744 Nope. I'm not gonna learn. 305 00:12:24,811 --> 00:12:25,878 I'm gonna teach! 306 00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:27,914 I'm gonna start an after‐school program, 307 00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,650 individualized and accessible to children 308 00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,118 who fall through the cracks. 309 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,153 What are you going to do for money? 310 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:35,321 Workman's comp. 311 00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:38,091 I'd like to see you try. 312 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:40,760 On my way! 313 00:12:40,827 --> 00:12:42,895 - Whoo‐hoo! - (clattering) 314 00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:45,431 Welcome to the Boundless Horizons School, 315 00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,300 where I'm gonna change your lives 316 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,469 and you're gonna write letters to me forever 317 00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:53,473 and you'll say I was your most influential person. 318 00:12:53,539 --> 00:12:56,376 Just exactly how are you gonna teach us? 319 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,945 Well, I'm gonna use every trick there is. 320 00:12:59,012 --> 00:12:59,746 I'll put the desks in a circle. 321 00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:02,282 I'll take the toughest one of you 322 00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:05,151 and put him or her in charge of making everyone behave. 323 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:09,188 And I'll teach Shakespeare using dances from TikTok. 324 00:13:09,255 --> 00:13:10,823 ♪ Out, out, damned spot ♪ 325 00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:13,693 ♪ This is the way that Shakespeare should be taught. ♪ 326 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,229 (beatboxing) 327 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,032 Her incredible lameness has me riveted. 328 00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:21,901 Finally, someone who gets me as a stereotype. 329 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,903 Wait one minute, young lady. 330 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:26,039 You cannot just open your own school 331 00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:28,641 and start to better random lives. 332 00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:29,709 Um... 333 00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:31,044 You have to sign this form 334 00:13:31,110 --> 00:13:34,013 and pay a $25 city business tax. 335 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,315 ‐(chuckles) ‐Okay. 336 00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:37,150 Just give me the change, please. 337 00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:38,785 Uh, this is embarrassing. 338 00:13:38,851 --> 00:13:40,853 Um, I'm not great at math. 339 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,655 Leave that to me. 340 00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,724 ♪ ♪ 341 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:59,005 ♪ ♪ 342 00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,773 Lisa Simpson's after‐school program 343 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,642 has been a tremendous success. 344 00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:04,310 Unlike the news business. 345 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:07,814 Lisa now has over 100 franchises here in the Illiteracy Belt. 346 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,150 And now, given her high profile and 80% approval rating, 347 00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:13,286 Lisa's running for state school superintendent 348 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,822 against incumbent Gary Chalmers. 349 00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,623 Under my opponent, 350 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,425 test scores have fallen. 351 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:22,428 Graduation rates have fallen. 352 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:26,499 I am not going to stand here and listen to some nasty woman... 353 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,668 (booing, jeering) 354 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,670 I‐I'm just trying to make a point, all right? 355 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,873 I'm not gonna let some stupid, nasty, homely woman... 356 00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:35,908 (shouting) 357 00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:37,577 Simpson! 358 00:14:37,643 --> 00:14:38,644 I concede. 359 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,513 Uh, congratulations. 360 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:41,580 (cheering, applause) 361 00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,716 Beloved superintendent of schools, Lisa Simpson, 362 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,318 is now running for governor! 363 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,086 Soon she'll move beyond the scope 364 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,455 of a career‐stuck local anchorman like me. 365 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,233 (sped‐up): This is Kent Brockman signing off. 366 00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:53,092 Lisa Simpson, governor of... (mumbles) 367 00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:54,293 is running for president. 368 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,195 Not even her highly damaged relationship 369 00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:57,930 with her mother can stop her now. 370 00:14:57,997 --> 00:14:59,365 Nate Silver analyzes. 371 00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,000 Well, George, Lisa is doing great 372 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,301 with disenchanted daughters. 373 00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:04,303 Also tiger moms, checked‐out dads 374 00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:06,139 and grandparents who like everything, 375 00:15:06,205 --> 00:15:07,874 plus middle children, nerds of all ages 376 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:09,609 and saxophonists above second chair. 377 00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:11,177 (saxophone plays) 378 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,279 Now, it's a week before the election but‐‐ 379 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,181 what the hell‐‐ I'm calling it for Lisa. 380 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,749 My work here is done. 381 00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,117 Good luck, America. 382 00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:22,955 It's 5:38 somewhere. 383 00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:26,159 This just in. Lisa Simpson has been elected 384 00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:28,494 the eighth president who did not go to college, 385 00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:31,030 joining George Washington, Abraham Lincoln 386 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,432 and Harry S. Truman. 387 00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:34,967 Think about that when you're paying your student loans. 388 00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:36,469 Stephanopoulos out. 389 00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:39,305 My daughter really becomes president? 390 00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:42,809 Yes. But you have to learn it on the streets. 391 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,144 (drones whirring) 392 00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:47,747 Great news about your daughter, Marge. 393 00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:49,782 She's finally going to college? 394 00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,317 No. She's president. 395 00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,085 You knew that, didn't you? 396 00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:56,189 Oh, crap. I really am out of the loop. 397 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,093 Look, the heart of the story is Lisa and me. 398 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,929 Do we finally get along? 399 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,397 Also, in the future, 400 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,532 how many more Ghostbusters do they make? 401 00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:10,136 Four. The gay Ghostbusters is fantastic. 402 00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:12,872 Can't we dwell on the fact that I was president? 403 00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:15,374 So concerned about your futures 404 00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:17,577 but no one cares about mine. 405 00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:18,811 I won't get into details, 406 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:22,682 but my body winds up in the dumpster behind the store. 407 00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:24,817 Do any of you give a damn? 408 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,619 (coughs) 409 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:27,553 Very well. 410 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,156 Now we have come to the final two cards. 411 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,258 The future will be revealed. 412 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:35,394 But first, I want to plug my gig this Saturday 413 00:16:35,461 --> 00:16:38,397 at the Comedy & Magic Club. 414 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:43,002 I conjure the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield. 415 00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:45,171 Ich bekomme keinen Respekt. 416 00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,873 I'm telling you. 417 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,841 Ah. Here we are. 418 00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:50,476 It's Inauguration Day, 419 00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:54,614 and Marge and Lisa are barely speaking. 420 00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:59,418 And I promise you that, as your president, 421 00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:01,721 I will obsess over your welfare, 422 00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:04,023 because I don't have a life! 423 00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:05,892 You're all I've got! 424 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,694 And I will serve you. 425 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:10,763 (cheering, whooping) 426 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:13,599 (screeches) 427 00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,636 And we'll get right on that! 428 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,104 Madam President, 429 00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:19,739 just after you were sworn in, 430 00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:21,574 your predecessor finally conceded. 431 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:25,177 These transitional tantrums get longer and longer. 432 00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,255 (Wilhelm scream in distance) 433 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:29,181 Okay, he promised he'd leave after he did that. 434 00:17:29,248 --> 00:17:31,384 But you're going to be a great president. 435 00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:33,252 Thank you. 436 00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:35,021 But maybe not a happy one. 437 00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:36,087 Bart! 438 00:17:36,122 --> 00:17:38,157 Oh, I almost hugged you. 439 00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,892 Well, I almost wish you had. 440 00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:41,460 Oh. I think I will. 441 00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:42,527 I hope you do. 442 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:43,562 (grunts) 443 00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:44,864 I know what you need. 444 00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:48,034 Some President's Choice High Carumba. 445 00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,969 Why did you bring that here? 446 00:17:50,036 --> 00:17:51,170 A: it's legal. 447 00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:52,905 B: somehow still cool. 448 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,474 And C: you really need to chill out. 449 00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,544 ♪ ♪ 450 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:01,747 (guns cocking) 451 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,518 He's with me! He's with me! 452 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,854 Oh, I got to tell you something. 453 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,457 Now that we're both grown and successful‐‐ 454 00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,592 you, president, 455 00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:14,260 me, pot CEO 456 00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,996 and owner of three NBA teams‐‐ 457 00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,497 I feel different. 458 00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:21,634 I really, really, really don't hate you. 459 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:22,768 Aw. 460 00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,737 Got anything to say to me? 461 00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,872 Um... yes. 462 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,074 All right. 463 00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:29,275 I'll admit it. 464 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:32,345 I've always been kind of a pain in the butt. 465 00:18:32,411 --> 00:18:33,245 Wow. 466 00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:34,814 If you had said that earlier, 467 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,149 even I would have voted for you. 468 00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,418 ‐(drones whirring) ‐(applause) 469 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,555 Wow, that's pretty cool 470 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,891 for someone who was always unpopular. (chuckles) 471 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,426 But, but wait! 472 00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:48,294 Not my fault. 473 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:50,363 Because, I don't know if you know, 474 00:18:50,429 --> 00:18:54,367 but I did not come from a family that made things easy. 475 00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:57,637 Well, maybe you didn't make things easier for them either. 476 00:18:57,703 --> 00:18:59,739 Maybe Mom was the one who was helping you 477 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,774 in ways you don't even remember. 478 00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:02,875 ♪ ♪ 479 00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:05,378 ♪ Old days ♪ 480 00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:09,849 ♪ Good times I remember ♪ 481 00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,450 ♪ Fun days... ♪ 482 00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:14,120 Oh, wow. 483 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,457 ♪ ♪ 484 00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:21,661 Mom? 485 00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,029 She's clean. Checked her hair. 486 00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:24,430 Took 45 minutes. 487 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,932 I'm here to see if you'll finally admit 488 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,602 you'd be better off if you'd gone to college. 489 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:30,603 Are you crazy? 490 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,738 You still can't admit you were wrong. 491 00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:34,407 Let me tell you something, lady. 492 00:19:34,473 --> 00:19:37,076 Wait a minute. Just‐just wait a minute. 493 00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:38,611 I'm president now. 494 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,613 I have a lot of resources. 495 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,215 Where's my mom translator? 496 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,085 Maybe I started off on the wrong foot. 497 00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:48,220 "You constantly let me down." 498 00:19:48,287 --> 00:19:51,524 Of course, I appreciate everything you're saying. 499 00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:53,592 "You were never really in my corner." 500 00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:56,729 I may have said a lot of things in anger. 501 00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:59,665 "I meant what I said and I will stick to it. 502 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:03,803 But no matter what, I was always proud of you." 503 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,604 You made me mad, too. 504 00:20:05,671 --> 00:20:07,940 "I was hurt because I care so much. 505 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:11,777 All the respect and love I have for people came from you." 506 00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:13,279 That's nice to hear. 507 00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:14,780 (choked up): "I love you so much." 508 00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:15,781 (sobbing softly) 509 00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,783 "I love you, too." 510 00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:20,820 ‐(crying) ‐Oh, oh. 511 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,922 (sniffles) Okay, you can go now. 512 00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:25,091 "This translator is fantastic. 513 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,659 Give her a raise." 514 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,994 (fireworks popping) 515 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,262 (squealing) 516 00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:32,565 ("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays) 517 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:44,276 Okay. I enjoyed that story, but I got to know, 518 00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:45,911 how much is really true? 519 00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:48,748 Let me consult the oracle. 520 00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:51,217 Okay, Lisa, I'll give it to you straight. 521 00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:53,953 You've got a 98% chance of going to college, 522 00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:55,354 83% Ivy League, 523 00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:56,922 47% chance of a boyfriend, 524 00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,924 72% chance of a girlfriend. 525 00:20:58,991 --> 00:20:59,991 Oh! 526 00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:02,261 (chuckles): I like those odds! 527 00:21:02,328 --> 00:21:04,130 Hey, can I get the game on this? 528 00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:06,165 It's not a TV. 529 00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:08,968 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 530 00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:12,505 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 531 00:21:12,571 --> 00:21:15,307 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 532 00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:19,311 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 533 00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:31,657 Shh!