1
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,611
(shuts off engine)

2
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,849
Welcome back, sir.

3
00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:19,152
(indistinct chatter)

4
00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:25,325
Oh, Artemis,

5
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:27,327
you wouldn't believe
what my customers

6
00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:28,762
unloaded on me tonight.

7
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:31,265
Crappy marriages, crappy jobs,

8
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:33,767
crappy sports teams.
(groans)

9
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,502
My ears are killin' me.

10
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,738
That's why the Confidential
is here,

11
00:00:37,804 --> 00:00:39,106
to share your burden.

12
00:00:39,172 --> 00:00:40,574
Just give me the usual, huh?

13
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:43,810
(chuckles)
As if we served anything else.

14
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,615
(sipping)

15
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:49,750
(sighing)

16
00:00:49,816 --> 00:00:50,817
To the Confidential,

17
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:54,288
the one bar where they listen
to the listeners.

18
00:00:56,523 --> 00:00:59,026
Come on. We got to get a seat
in the front row.

19
00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:02,429
If anything flies off the stage,
I want to be in the Stain Zone.

20
00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:04,898
I'm sorry, Krusty,
but there's no way

21
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:07,968
we can seat this audience until
we round up all the escaped,

22
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,070
uh, you‐know‐whats.

23
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:13,373
‐(hissing) ‐(yelling)

24
00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,709
Tough luck, kids.
The show's canceled.

25
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:19,746
I'm going down to the deli
to drown my sorrows in tongue.

26
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,382
(Milhouse groans)

27
00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:25,752
What about this upside‐down
exclamation mark show?

28
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,522
Upside down is funny.

29
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,302
- (playing "Flight
of the Bumblebee")
- Desde Downtown Springfield,

30
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:35,262
<i>es</i> ¡Noches con Abejorrito!

31
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:37,864
<i>¡Y ahora El Hombre Abejorro!</i>

32
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:40,534
(cheering)

33
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:44,104
<i>¡No se duerman,</i>
o les voy a picar!

34
00:01:44,171 --> 00:01:45,572
(laughing)

35
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:48,008
Milhouse, you know Spanish.
What did he say?

36
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,177
Oh, it's a cultural thing.

37
00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:53,480
You wouldn't get it. <i>Estúpido.</i>

38
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:57,117
<i>...y luego, había un escorpión</i>
en mis pantalones.

39
00:01:57,184 --> 00:01:59,720
(laughs)
Pantalones.

40
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,922
(siren wailing)

41
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,991
<i>¡Una visita de mi primito!</i>

42
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:07,361
<i>Eso significa</i>
que es tiempo de jugar...

43
00:02:07,427 --> 00:02:10,964
<i>¡No... Te... 'splotes!</i>

44
00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:13,233
<i>Presentado</i> por la Monja Humilde,

45
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,268
<i>la horchata más divina.</i>

46
00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:18,639
<i>Hermanas,</i>
traigame unos concursantes.

47
00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:23,310
<i>¡Ay, caramba!</i>

48
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,981
It's a game. They fill
your mouth with horchata,

49
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:30,584
and if you don't laugh,
you win a prize!

50
00:02:33,186 --> 00:02:36,256
<i>¡O, Bebito Abuelito!</i>

51
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:37,924
(cheering, laughing)

52
00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:43,263
<i>¿Cuáles son las vacas</i>
más perezosas?

53
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:45,999
<i>¡Las vacaciones!</i>

54
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:47,100
(spitting)

55
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,935
(laughing)

56
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,605
<i>¡Nuestro ganador!</i>

57
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:52,873
(cheering)

58
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:56,743
Pick your prize!

59
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,414
(audience booing)

60
00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:04,084
♪ ♪

61
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:11,958
Grandpa Baby, this is the
easiest choice I've ever made.

62
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,761
Look what I won
on Spanish Krusty!

63
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,530
(spits)

64
00:03:16,596 --> 00:03:17,798
Oh, my God.

65
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,833
That is not
just any crystal skull.

66
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,301
It's Calavera Gritando!

67
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,236
That tequila's so authentic

68
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:24,971
that it inspired George Clooney

69
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,941
to make his own
semi‐authentic tequila.

70
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:29,843
Wait, my skull is full of booze?

71
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,978
That's why it has a screw cap.

72
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,356
Bart, you've got
to give it to me.

73
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,415
I've always wanted to drink
something fancy enough

74
00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:37,984
to come in a bottle
that doesn't look like a bottle.

75
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,120
Nah. I think I'm gonna save it.

76
00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:41,254
For high school.

77
00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:42,355
Come on. Gimme that!

78
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:44,257
Bart won that skull
full of tequila.

79
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:46,760
He can do
whatever he wants with it,

80
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:48,395
except drink the tequila.

81
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:50,597
Sorry, Homer. Game, set, skull.

82
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,966
(cackling)

83
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:53,967
(yelps)

84
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:56,870
(audience cheering on TV)

85
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:59,172
(Homer grunting)

86
00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:03,810
Huh? (moans)

87
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:06,680
<i>ANNOUNCER:</i>
<i>Coming up now,</i>
we got a special dedication

88
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:09,182
<i>to Homer S. from his son Bart.</i>

89
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,585
("Tequila" playing)

90
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:14,087
I like how there are no lyrics
to upset me.

91
00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:16,356
(singing along)

92
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:20,660
♪ <i>Tequila.</i> ♪

93
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:22,562
D'oh!

94
00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:24,097
(tires screech)

95
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,367
Isn't that your dad?

96
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,169
No.

97
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:35,242
(speaking Spanish)

98
00:04:36,376 --> 00:04:37,110
(snickers)

99
00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:38,311
I may not speak Spanish,

100
00:04:38,378 --> 00:04:42,115
but I know when an imaginary
talking skull is mocking me.

101
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,598
(cackling quietly)

102
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:00,333
Gentlemen,

103
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,970
I give you Calavera Gritando!

104
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,806
(all gasping)

105
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,474
Whoa, a crystal skull.

106
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:10,076
Like from my least favorite
Indiana Jones movie

107
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,746
and most favorite
Shia LaBeouf movie.

108
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,714
Okay, this booze is so classy,

109
00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:16,116
I'm finally breaking out

110
00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:18,952
my commemorative Iran
hostage crisis shot glasses.

111
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:19,953
(blows)

112
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,688
Look at these guys.

113
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:23,490
Now, <i>those</i> were hostages.

114
00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:29,830
Hey, Moe, why don't you pour
yourself one for a change?

115
00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:32,098
Me? Nah, nah, that's okay.

116
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:35,035
The pouring
is enough of a thrill.

117
00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:37,671
Come on. You're
always on that side of the bar.

118
00:05:37,737 --> 00:05:40,207
At least come over here
and take a load off.

119
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:43,310
Well, maybe it
wouldn't hurt none.

120
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:45,145
(shudders)

121
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,713
So this is sittin'.

122
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,715
You know, Moe, all these years,

123
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,016
we've never seen you drink.

124
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,384
Well, you know, a bartender

125
00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:53,091
ain't supposed to drink
with his regulars.

126
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:54,421
It's frowned upon.

127
00:05:54,487 --> 00:05:55,322
By whom?

128
00:05:55,388 --> 00:05:57,057
Not some secret society

129
00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:59,025
that I go to every night
after closing time,

130
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:00,460
if that's what you're thinking.

131
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:03,063
Look, I'm just the schlub
that pours the booze.

132
00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:04,197
That's all.

133
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:06,833
Moe, you're not just
our bartender.

134
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,102
You're our friend.

135
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,071
Friend? You mean that?

136
00:06:11,137 --> 00:06:14,507
Well, maybe it's just
my relaxed butt cheeks talking,

137
00:06:14,574 --> 00:06:16,209
but, uh, down the hatch!

138
00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:18,178
Woof.
(chuckles)

139
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,814
I haven't had anything
this expensive in my mouth

140
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,649
since my dad's gun.

141
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:23,850
(laughs)

142
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,585
- (laughing)
- Yeah. Go, Moe.

143
00:06:25,652 --> 00:06:26,953
- Go, Moe.
- Now you got it.

144
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,822
(cackling)

145
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:40,834
I think you're pretty cool, too,
skull.

146
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,136
♪ ♪

147
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,242
(groans)
Oh, my head.

148
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:51,478
Oh, what a hangover.

149
00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:54,347
(grunting)

150
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,750
Ah, that's actually
a little better.

151
00:06:58,018 --> 00:06:59,352
Hmm.

152
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,487
Oh, no.

153
00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:04,024
Oh, no! Last night's
all coming back to me.

154
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,359
("Tequila" playing)

155
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,561
(shouting)

156
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,433
- Whoa! Yeah!
- Yay!

157
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,502
♪ ♪

158
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,442
Let's go show the world
how much fun it is

159
00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:25,512
when drunk guys do stuff
in public!

160
00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:27,247
Baba‐boo!

161
00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:30,183
♪ ♪

162
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,756
♪ ♪

163
00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,994
(groaning, barking)

164
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,529
(snorting)

165
00:07:42,595 --> 00:07:45,598
(barking, snorting)

166
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,602
Excuse me, could you move?

167
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:51,905
My husband and I would like
to sit on this bench

168
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:55,375
and comment on how the elephant
seals are "living the life."

169
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:58,078
It's the only joke
in our entire marriage.

170
00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:58,778
Oh, that's not what I hear.

171
00:07:58,845 --> 00:08:02,315
The real joke is that you two

172
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,884
haven't pushed
the ole twin beds together

173
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:06,753
since before the election.

174
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,355
Of Obama.

175
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:09,556
To the Senate!

176
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:11,091
(laughing)

177
00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:13,360
How'd you know
about their sexless marriage?

178
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:16,730
Oh, Mrs. Lovejoy blabbed
about it to her bartender,

179
00:08:16,796 --> 00:08:18,031
who then told me.

180
00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:20,133
Hey, wait,
you bartenders tell each other

181
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:23,036
the stuff we say
in drunken confidence?

182
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,637
Oh, we sure do.

183
00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:26,139
Look what else I know.

184
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:30,176
You file your taxes
as one person.

185
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:33,880
You sell all your pets
each time you go on vacation.

186
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,582
Hey, you're two‐timing us

187
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:38,251
by also being the mayor
of another town.

188
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:41,321
I swear,
Greenview means nothing to me.

189
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,390
Hey, I love hot goss
as much as the next guy,

190
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:45,258
but maybe
you shouldn't be spilling

191
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,460
- people's secrets.
- Secrets.

192
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,663
You mean like you not asking
anyone out on a date in years

193
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:54,134
because you're ashamed
of your wet spaghetti arms?

194
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,469
What woman
could feel held by these?

195
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:57,303
Or how you keep yammering about
your million‐dollar invention?

196
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:03,009
File the patent already,
you coward.

197
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:04,744
Or how 'bout Barney over here?

198
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:08,415
Always going on about
how much you
<i>love</i>
your mother,

199
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,884
but you haven't visited her
in years.

200
00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:12,952
She still thinks
I work at Autozone.

201
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:18,091
I can't tell her they fired me
for huffing floormat cleaner!

202
00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:24,230
Moe, you've officially gone
from fun drunk to mean drunk.

203
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,899
<i>You</i> judging <i>me?</i>

204
00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:27,767
You're the one who said
you're so scared

205
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:29,903
of being a lousy father
and husband

206
00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:31,404
that you hide out at the bar

207
00:09:31,471 --> 00:09:34,374
instead of going home
and actually tryin'.

208
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,076
(gasps)

209
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,113
You're worse than a mean drunk.

210
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:42,248
You're an honest drunk!

211
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,651
No! <i>You guys</i> are the drunks.

212
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:47,520
<i>I</i> am just wasted.

213
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,389
Baba‐boo.

214
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,525
Okay, Moe.

215
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,328
You did what no bartender
ever should've done.

216
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:58,665
But maybe, just maybe,
they won't find out.

217
00:09:58,731 --> 00:09:59,732
(squeaking)

218
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,136
(gasps)
The Confidential.

219
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,304
They found out.

220
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:06,072
All right there, Kristof.

221
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,641
Time for me to answer
for my sins.

222
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:10,910
Lead the way.

223
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:13,546
Frickin' Kristof.

224
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,083
Yeah, so, I, uh...
I got your rat.

225
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,786
Look, I know I screwed up,
but that...

226
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,466
<i>ARTEMIS:</i>
Since time immemorial,

227
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:26,359
<i>bartenders have been</i>
the cornerstone of civilization,

228
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,828
<i>an eternal guild of listeners.</i>

229
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,497
<i>And so a paradox:</i>

230
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:33,500
<i>for to whom could bartenders</i>
confide their <i>secrets?</i>

231
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:36,369
<i>Thus was born the Confidential,</i>

232
00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:40,406
<i>a hidden society of those</i>
who listen to the listeners.

233
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:44,110
But this institution
will crumble to dust

234
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,446
if we do not obey
its first and only law‐‐

235
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:49,716
"A bartender keeps his secrets!"

236
00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:52,919
Look, Artemis, I know
I shouldn't have got wasted

237
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,721
and blabbed the unblabbable.

238
00:10:54,787 --> 00:10:58,758
It's just, for once, I wanted
to have a drink with my friends.

239
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,727
A bartender has no friends!

240
00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:03,930
Mr. Szyslak, your tab is closed.

241
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,331
Surrender your key, sir.

242
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:07,534
Well, them's the rules, I guess.

243
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,369
It was nice being part
of a place

244
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:12,605
that was bigger than me
and also super weird.

245
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:13,940
Uh‐‐ What the...

246
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:17,343
The penalty for your offense is
far greater than mere expulsion.

247
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:20,680
Your friends,
your regulars are to be...

248
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:22,148
cut off.

249
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,217
(glass breaking)

250
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,119
Cut off?! No.
No, that's too horrible.

251
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,021
You can't do that to them!

252
00:11:28,087 --> 00:11:30,323
<i>You</i> did this to them.

253
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,659
They have
until the clock strikes...

254
00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:35,228
happy hour.

255
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:38,565
<i>Tick, tock, Mr. Szyslak.</i>
Tick, tock.

256
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:40,667
Guys, you're all in danger!
You...

257
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:43,836
Oh, sorry. I've never been
in your office before.

258
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:45,271
Any office, for that matter.

259
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:47,907
Yeesh. Now I get why
you all drink so much.

260
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:49,454
You've got a lot of nerve
coming here,

261
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:51,711
after what you said last night.

262
00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:53,880
I know, I know,
but this is serious, okay?

263
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,848
Some very scary people are mad

264
00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:57,917
for all that drunken blabbing
I did,

265
00:11:57,984 --> 00:12:00,186
so you're being... cut off!

266
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:03,389
So what? You already lost us
as customers.

267
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,725
No, no, you don't get it.
Cut off.

268
00:12:05,792 --> 00:12:07,193
Aah. There isn't much time,

269
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,195
but I'm gonna keep
being cagey about it.

270
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,097
Oh, wait a minute.
Where's Barney?

271
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,732
Barney doesn't work here.

272
00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,500
Really? Seems like he would.

273
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,903
Yeah, that would lead
to some good stories, all right.

274
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,005
Hurry, call him. <i>Call him!</i>

275
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,207
Mm. Fine.

276
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:25,678
<i>Well, if it isn't</i>
the meanest drunk in town.

277
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,747
Barn, it's happy hour.

278
00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:30,316
You got to lock your doors
and windows right away!

279
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:33,353
During the best time of day
for ocean breezes?

280
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,130
- No dice.
<i>- Look out for</i>
- the dapper gentleman!

281
00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:37,890
Ow! Damn vampire bats!

282
00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:39,158
What the hell was that?

283
00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:41,294
He's been injected
with Antibooze‐‐

284
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:45,298
a drug that makes it
so he can never drink again.

285
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,567
Antibooze?
That stuff isn't real.

286
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,969
Oh, it's real, and
the side effects are horrible,

287
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:51,504
unthinkable!

288
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,906
It starts with
a skull‐splitting headache.

289
00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:56,376
<i>(yelling)</i>

290
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:02,115
Then you got
your firehose sweating.

291
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,518
Rhinoceros pox.

292
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:09,522
And finally, hurricane vomiting.

293
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:13,126
<i>(liquid pouring</i>
and prolonged yelling on screen)

294
00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:19,932
(sighs)
He's been cut off.

295
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,801
And now they're coming for you.

296
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:25,672
If they catch ya, you can
never touch alcohol again.

297
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,106
No! No!

298
00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:29,742
Wait. What about rum cakes
and other boozy desserts?

299
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,277
Never again.

300
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,579
<i>No!</i>

301
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,788
(buzzing)

302
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:54,667
Run faster. Every bartender in
town is coming after youse guys.

303
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:58,204
All because I couldn't
keep my drunken trap shut!

304
00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:02,475
Well, how many bartenders
could there be in Springfield?

305
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:06,479
How many people in this town are
miserable at work and at home?

306
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:08,348
Oh, my God.

307
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,402
You guys, get out of here!

308
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:32,105
I'll hold 'em off... with this.

309
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:36,376
(grunting)

310
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:48,321
Wow. He's like a ninja
with that crotch rag.

311
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,656
That disgusting towel is a blur!

312
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:56,095
(panting)

313
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:58,331
(Moe grunts, electrical buzzing)

314
00:14:58,398 --> 00:14:59,678
(electrical buzzing
and snapping)

315
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,934
(all panting)

316
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:03,870
This is no way to live.

317
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:05,938
Hunted. Hunted like dinosaurs.

318
00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:08,007
What are we supposed to do now?

319
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,609
If you ever want to drink again,

320
00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:12,078
all you can do is get
on the next bus out of town

321
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,613
and never stop running.

322
00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:15,348
Sounds like a plan.

323
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,017
(both grunt)

324
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:20,086
(moaning)

325
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:22,422
(speaking German)

326
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:27,226
Those poor bastards.

327
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:29,362
I must keen for them.

328
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,764
(loud, sorrowful keening)

329
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,934
Forget it, Homer.

330
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:37,303
They're non‐drinkers now.

331
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:41,140
Marge, pack what you need
and choose one kid.

332
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:42,842
We're leaving
Springfield forever.

333
00:15:42,909 --> 00:15:44,844
That's ridiculous, Homie.

334
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:46,712
Look who dropped by for dinner.

335
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,147
Hello, Homer.

336
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:50,149
Dad, Dr. Hibbert was just
telling us

337
00:15:50,216 --> 00:15:52,285
how he worked his way
through medical school.

338
00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:55,254
I think you'd be interested
to hear how I did it.

339
00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:58,224
- I would?
- Bartending.

340
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:03,796
(screaming)

341
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:08,434
Who wants mushroom caps?

342
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,002
(screams)

343
00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:11,604
I'm so sorry, Homer.

344
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:14,474
And Midge, your husband
can never drink again,

345
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,642
and it's all because of me.
(cries)

346
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,413
(cheering)

347
00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:23,749
Good morning, family.

348
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,651
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

349
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:29,021
You sure I can't make you
some oatmeal with blueberries?

350
00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:31,457
Not today, honey.
I promised to pick up coffee

351
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,494
for everyone on my team
to celebrate our record numbers.

352
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:38,264
You are so much more of a
go‐getter since your promotion.

353
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,900
I love this new, sober you.

354
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:44,070
And I love any version of you.

355
00:16:44,136 --> 00:16:45,905
Mmm, mmm.

356
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:47,607
‐(coughing) ‐Get a room!

357
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,576
Bart, I haven't forgotten about
your skateboard competition.

358
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,111
And don't worry, Lisa.

359
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,646
It'll be over in plenty of time

360
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:56,516
for me to be front
and center at your recital.

361
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,651
Ooh! (sputtering)

362
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:01,187
(giggling)

363
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,789
Well, off to the salt mines.

364
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,324
(humming cheerily)

365
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,162
Well, this is a coincidence.

366
00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:13,633
I haven't seen you guys
since, uh, you know.

367
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,736
Geez, it would've had
to have been the syringings?

368
00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:20,206
Yeah, finally got in shape.
Not drinking all day every day

369
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:22,542
really freed up a lot of time
for me to work out.

370
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:26,379
And as soon as I filed my
patent, my start‐up got funded.

371
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:29,949
Soon, everyone in America
will have their own personal

372
00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:32,184
body‐hair‐shaving mini robot.

373
00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:33,819
That's you? (gasps)

374
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,821
I love my Groomba!

375
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,456
(buzzing)

376
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:39,959
And I got my job back
at Autozone,

377
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,961
so I could finally face my ma.

378
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:45,932
He holds the big arrow
that says "Autozone."

379
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:48,100
Yeah, I guess
we're all doing pretty well.

380
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,735
You know who I heard ain't?

381
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,804
A certain bartender.

382
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:53,839
You won't believe
how low he's sunk.

383
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,108
It would be nice
to laugh at someone

384
00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:59,078
living their lowest moment.

385
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:05,117
I asked for the ham
in my omelet to be diced.

386
00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:07,119
This ham is clearly cubed.

387
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:09,956
Yes, ma'am.
Uh, right away, ma'am.

388
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:11,958
You flipped my omelet too high
in the air,

389
00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:13,993
and it got cold on the descent.

390
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:17,063
My mistake, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.

391
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:23,502
I wanted to see him low,
but not eggs‐on‐demand low.

392
00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:27,506
I bet he doesn't even have
a shotgun under that bar.

393
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,577
Get out of here.
You can't see me like this.

394
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:36,215
Slingin' eggs in a well‐lit,
non‐dank environment.

395
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:44,090
I can't believe I'm saying this.

396
00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:45,858
We're all saying it.

397
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,860
Even though
we can never drink again,

398
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:51,097
we still want you
as our bartender.

399
00:18:51,163 --> 00:18:53,099
You... you mean it?

400
00:18:53,165 --> 00:18:54,767
- Yeah.
- We do.
- Mm‐hmm.

401
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:59,739
From now on, you can spray
your own pans, America! Ha.

402
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,310
(cheering)

403
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:09,081
There you go, fellas.
Bottoms up.

404
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:12,051
To Moe, our friend.

405
00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:14,587
Nah, nah, guys.
I'm something better.

406
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,122
Your bartender.

407
00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:18,224
Who knew
you could drink water in a bar?

408
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:20,226
It's, uh, still watered down.

409
00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:22,561
‐(laughter) ‐Good one, Moe.

410
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:25,765
(laughter continues)

411
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:28,501
Well, I have never seen
such a perfect distillation

412
00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:30,302
of the human spirit.

413
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:33,673
A cocktail of humility
and self‐sacrifice

414
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:35,908
with a dash of un‐bitters.

415
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:37,209
(chuckles)

416
00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:39,578
Whoa, Artemis.
What are you doing here?

417
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:42,915
Such loyalty to a bartender
deserves a reward.

418
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:45,551
The antidote to Antibooze.

419
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,086
(all gasping)

420
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:49,455
Now, think carefully, chaps.

421
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:54,160
Once injected, you will lose
all the benefits of sobriety.

422
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:02,201
Go away, Ma.

423
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:05,104
(gulping)

424
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,575
I'm sorry. I can't go back.

425
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:12,845
Sobriety has made me the man
I never thought I'd be.

426
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:15,448
Now I'm going home to my family.

427
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:26,225
(whirring)

428
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:29,862
Hmm?

429
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:32,098
(whimpering)

430
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:36,335
(buzzing)

431
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:53,152
Hey, Bart, isn't that
your stupid crystal skull?

432
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,454
Wasn't stupid.
It was my best friend.

433
00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:59,225
♪ ♪

434
00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:01,460
(evil cackling)

435
00:21:01,527 --> 00:21:03,562
(speaking Spanish)

436
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:10,803
(evil cackling)

437
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,641
(panting)

438
00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:18,611
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

439
00:21:18,677 --> 00:21:20,246
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

440
00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:22,248
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.

441
00:21:22,314 --> 00:21:24,550
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

442
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,423
Shh!