1 00:00:02,739 --> 00:00:04,510 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:07,448 --> 00:00:10,053 We sure lucked out with this new gig. 3 00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:12,358 Half day on Christmas, unpaid polio leave, 4 00:00:12,424 --> 00:00:14,596 and all the bread crumbs you can sweep. 5 00:00:17,969 --> 00:00:20,107 Mac, we just got our first paychecks. 6 00:00:20,173 --> 00:00:22,679 Take this money and turn it into giggle water. 7 00:00:23,681 --> 00:00:25,685 (stammers) FICA?! 8 00:00:25,752 --> 00:00:26,654 What the hell is that? 9 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:28,858 Eh, that's your Social Security tax. 10 00:00:28,925 --> 00:00:30,662 Government takes our money, 11 00:00:30,728 --> 00:00:33,868 then gives it back when you retire in 50 years. 12 00:00:33,935 --> 00:00:36,740 What? Stupid government thinks it's smarter than me. 13 00:00:36,807 --> 00:00:38,209 I can handle my money. 14 00:00:38,276 --> 00:00:41,182 Put five bucks on any two animals fighting. 15 00:00:41,984 --> 00:00:43,253 And I'll eat the loser. 16 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,357 We're not gonna need Social Security. 17 00:00:45,424 --> 00:00:46,292 We're gonna be rich. 18 00:00:46,359 --> 00:00:49,231 Yeah, we'll never need government help. 19 00:00:49,298 --> 00:00:51,169 Help me, government! 20 00:00:51,235 --> 00:00:53,674 We need our Social Security checks. 21 00:00:53,741 --> 00:00:56,880 Make rain a modest, fixed amount. 22 00:00:56,947 --> 00:00:59,118 ♪ Here comes the money ♪ 23 00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:01,022 - ♪ Here we go ♪ - ♪ Money talks ♪ 24 00:01:01,089 --> 00:01:02,525 ♪ Here comes the money ♪ 25 00:01:02,592 --> 00:01:04,763 ♪ Money, money, money, money, money, money, money ♪ 26 00:01:04,830 --> 00:01:07,234 ♪ Money, money ♪ 27 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:08,971 - ♪ Dolla, dolla ♪ - ♪ Ching, ching ♪ 28 00:01:09,038 --> 00:01:10,183 ♪ Bling, bling, cut the chatter ♪ 29 00:01:10,207 --> 00:01:11,510 ♪ You ain't talking money ♪ 30 00:01:11,577 --> 00:01:13,246 ♪ Then your talking don't matter ♪ 31 00:01:13,313 --> 00:01:15,718 ♪ Ching, ching, bling, bling, pattin' pockets ♪ 32 00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:18,456 ♪ You make the dolla dolla, can't a damn soul stop it ♪ 33 00:01:18,524 --> 00:01:20,060 - ♪ Shock it ♪ - ♪ Here comes ♪ 34 00:01:20,127 --> 00:01:21,563 ♪ The new kid on the block ♪ 35 00:01:21,630 --> 00:01:24,068 ♪ Hold all your bets here's where. ♪ 36 00:01:24,135 --> 00:01:25,505 GRAMPA: Hmm. 37 00:01:25,571 --> 00:01:26,339 Hmm. 38 00:01:26,406 --> 00:01:28,678 Now, this is what I call cribbage. 39 00:01:28,744 --> 00:01:30,113 Abe wins again! 40 00:01:30,180 --> 00:01:31,517 (sighs) 41 00:01:31,583 --> 00:01:33,688 Another great day in the books. 42 00:01:33,754 --> 00:01:36,527 Now to cap it all off with a medicated foot bath 43 00:01:36,593 --> 00:01:40,000 and a nice, deep‐ear Q‐tipping. 44 00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,537 (snoring) 45 00:01:43,974 --> 00:01:45,210 (phone rings) 46 00:01:45,277 --> 00:01:47,782 (exclaiming) 47 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,487 Hello? 48 00:01:50,555 --> 00:01:52,826 BOY: Grandfather! You've got to help me! 49 00:01:52,892 --> 00:01:55,130 What? Is that you, Bart? 50 00:01:55,197 --> 00:01:57,635 That's right. It's me, Bart. 51 00:01:57,702 --> 00:01:59,806 I'm so scared. I'm in jail! 52 00:01:59,873 --> 00:02:02,311 - Jail? - Please don't - tell my dad or mom. 53 00:02:02,377 --> 00:02:04,916 They'll be so mad. The policeman needs to talk to you. 54 00:02:04,983 --> 00:02:07,321 MAN: Sir, your grandson is in big trouble. 55 00:02:07,387 --> 00:02:09,993 No, not Bart. My little angel. 56 00:02:10,060 --> 00:02:13,166 Well, he was arrested for vandalism and shoplifting, sir. 57 00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:15,705 Yeah, that sounds like Bart, that little devil. 58 00:02:15,772 --> 00:02:18,076 If you don't send his bail money in the next 90 minutes, 59 00:02:18,143 --> 00:02:19,503 he's going straight to the downtown 60 00:02:19,546 --> 00:02:21,115 juvenile detention center. 61 00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:23,654 BOY: Grandfather! Help me! Please! 62 00:02:23,721 --> 00:02:24,790 Don't worry, Bart. 63 00:02:24,856 --> 00:02:27,027 Just tell me what you need and I'll do it. 64 00:02:27,094 --> 00:02:29,431 Your Grampa loves you. 65 00:02:31,703 --> 00:02:34,108 I need to wire some money to an overseas account 66 00:02:34,175 --> 00:02:37,080 to bail my grandson out of an unnamed jail. 67 00:02:37,147 --> 00:02:38,784 Fill out this form. 68 00:02:38,851 --> 00:02:41,523 I didn't know my little Emma was in Colombia, 69 00:02:41,590 --> 00:02:44,696 let alone working as a drug mule. 70 00:02:44,763 --> 00:02:47,100 I'm just thankful the Russian secret police 71 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,806 will accept the title to my Lexus. 72 00:02:52,712 --> 00:02:54,649 MAN: Mr. Simpson, we've confirmed receipt. 73 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,653 Your grandson will be released... 74 00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:58,156 Oh, thank God. 75 00:02:58,223 --> 00:02:59,659 ...once you pay his processing fees, 76 00:02:59,726 --> 00:03:02,397 holding cell costs and handcuff tax. 77 00:03:02,464 --> 00:03:05,103 It's on its way, plus a little extra 78 00:03:05,170 --> 00:03:07,876 for you being so helpful. 79 00:03:07,942 --> 00:03:10,380 Did he reach out to his father? His mother? 80 00:03:10,447 --> 00:03:12,184 His dead grandmother? 81 00:03:12,251 --> 00:03:13,988 No. He came to me. 82 00:03:14,054 --> 00:03:16,560 Because Bart knew that he could count on his Grampa 83 00:03:16,627 --> 00:03:19,498 to get him out of any kind of jam. 84 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,104 Mm. 85 00:03:22,170 --> 00:03:25,010 Oh, thank goodness you're out! 86 00:03:27,615 --> 00:03:29,719 Okay, okay, enough with the smooches. 87 00:03:29,786 --> 00:03:32,291 I don't care what you've done. All that matters 88 00:03:32,357 --> 00:03:35,030 is that no grandson of mine's gonna go to jail. 89 00:03:35,096 --> 00:03:37,702 Jail? Are you off your meds 90 00:03:37,769 --> 00:03:38,837 or on new meds? 91 00:03:38,904 --> 00:03:40,942 Bart, don't you remember? 92 00:03:41,008 --> 00:03:44,048 I just wired all that money to pay your bail. 93 00:03:44,114 --> 00:03:46,954 Whoa, Grampa, I think you were... 94 00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:48,156 scammed. 95 00:03:48,222 --> 00:03:50,928 Me, scammed? (laughs) 96 00:03:50,995 --> 00:03:52,197 That's impossible. 97 00:03:52,264 --> 00:03:54,936 No one hornswoggles Abraham J... 98 00:03:55,003 --> 00:03:56,339 S‐I‐M‐P‐S‐O‐N. 99 00:03:56,405 --> 00:04:00,180 Social Security number: 327‐00‐3658. 100 00:04:00,246 --> 00:04:02,117 First pet's name: Homer. 101 00:04:02,184 --> 00:04:03,453 (gasps) 102 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,058 I've been hornswoggled. 103 00:04:06,860 --> 00:04:09,966 ANNOUNCER: You're watching the Punt Zone channel. 104 00:04:10,033 --> 00:04:11,570 It's nothing but punts. 105 00:04:11,636 --> 00:04:13,640 Never miss another exciting fair catch 106 00:04:13,707 --> 00:04:17,180 or thrilling second of hang time. 107 00:04:17,247 --> 00:04:19,351 It's fourth and long, here's the snap. 108 00:04:19,418 --> 00:04:22,391 It's a fake punt! Cut away! Cut away! 109 00:04:23,326 --> 00:04:25,698 Guys, something happened to Grampa. 110 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,869 I got bamboozled out of my money 111 00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:30,373 by a flimflam artist. 112 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,945 It's not his fault. Some scammer 113 00:04:33,012 --> 00:04:34,448 convinced him I was in jail. 114 00:04:34,516 --> 00:04:36,686 I'm so sorry, Grampa. 115 00:04:36,753 --> 00:04:40,160 Um, uh, let me go microwave your slippers. 116 00:04:40,226 --> 00:04:42,632 I don't deserve warm toes. 117 00:04:42,698 --> 00:04:46,506 I'm nothing but a feeble, useless, old idjit. 118 00:04:46,573 --> 00:04:49,746 No. You were just trying to be a good grandparent. 119 00:04:49,813 --> 00:04:52,618 And one bad apple took advantage of you. 120 00:04:52,685 --> 00:04:54,923 You got nothing to feel bad about. (laughs) 121 00:04:54,989 --> 00:04:59,331 Bart in jail? I would have fallen for that, too. 122 00:04:59,398 --> 00:05:00,610 I mean, how much money could they have taken 123 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,471 from a retired, old meatball man‐‐ 124 00:05:02,538 --> 00:05:05,578 50 bucks plus a pocketful of hard candies? 125 00:05:05,644 --> 00:05:08,517 Here you go, Dad. I'll cover it. What's the damage? 126 00:05:08,584 --> 00:05:11,322 Ten thousand dollars! 127 00:05:11,388 --> 00:05:12,592 (all gasp) 128 00:05:12,658 --> 00:05:14,629 Where the hell did you get that kind of money, 129 00:05:14,696 --> 00:05:16,900 you broken‐down old meatball man? 130 00:05:16,967 --> 00:05:19,471 It's 20 years of my cribbage winnings, 131 00:05:19,539 --> 00:05:21,843 saved up in a cigar box. 132 00:05:21,910 --> 00:05:25,951 I was gonna leave it to you, and now it's all gone. 133 00:05:26,018 --> 00:05:27,018 (gasps) 134 00:05:27,989 --> 00:05:30,561 No. No. 135 00:05:30,628 --> 00:05:31,930 No! 136 00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:35,971 I had an inheritance and you gave it away? 137 00:05:36,038 --> 00:05:38,409 I'm so mad I could kill you, 138 00:05:38,476 --> 00:05:40,313 but now I'd get nothing. 139 00:05:40,380 --> 00:05:42,552 I hope you live forever! 140 00:05:48,564 --> 00:05:50,366 Now to read Abraham J. Simpson's 141 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,672 final will and testament. 142 00:05:52,738 --> 00:05:54,576 To my surviving Homers, 143 00:05:54,642 --> 00:05:56,780 I leave you $10,000 144 00:05:56,846 --> 00:05:59,484 - that I never told you about... - (giggles) 145 00:05:59,552 --> 00:06:01,222 - Oh! - Huh? - Yeah? 146 00:06:01,288 --> 00:06:03,560 ...but then I lost it all to a scam. 147 00:06:03,627 --> 00:06:05,230 So, because I'm a moron, 148 00:06:05,296 --> 00:06:07,100 I leave you nothing. 149 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,137 ALL: D'oh! 150 00:06:09,204 --> 00:06:10,708 Ten thousand dollars! 151 00:06:10,774 --> 00:06:12,979 (exhales) That dream again? 152 00:06:13,045 --> 00:06:15,651 The money's gone, gone. 153 00:06:15,718 --> 00:06:19,091 But how can you miss money you never knew you had? 154 00:06:19,157 --> 00:06:21,830 That's the worst part: to find out got money, 155 00:06:21,896 --> 00:06:24,268 but you lost money, so you have it, 156 00:06:24,334 --> 00:06:25,537 but you don't have it. 157 00:06:25,604 --> 00:06:27,875 Oh, it's giving me whipcash. 158 00:06:27,942 --> 00:06:30,213 (whimpers, grunts) 159 00:06:31,282 --> 00:06:34,321 Just think of all the ways my life could have been better 160 00:06:34,388 --> 00:06:36,860 with that ten grand. 161 00:06:44,274 --> 00:06:45,878 (moans): Oh. 162 00:06:48,049 --> 00:06:51,288 So, uh, we're asking each family to chip in $50 163 00:06:51,355 --> 00:06:53,627 for a new fundraising thermometer. 164 00:06:53,694 --> 00:06:56,966 Oh, yeah, 50 bucks‐‐ I would totally donate that 165 00:06:57,033 --> 00:06:58,202 if my father hadn't 166 00:06:58,269 --> 00:07:01,342 given away $10,000! 167 00:07:01,408 --> 00:07:03,980 Um, it's just a suggested amount. 168 00:07:04,047 --> 00:07:07,688 Sure, ten grand might not sound like much to you teachers, 169 00:07:07,755 --> 00:07:10,360 but I choose inheriting $10,000 170 00:07:10,426 --> 00:07:13,366 over earning a million. 171 00:07:13,432 --> 00:07:15,069 And all of you would do the same! 172 00:07:15,136 --> 00:07:16,873 Homer, not here. 173 00:07:16,940 --> 00:07:19,344 Because generational wealth is the purest, 174 00:07:19,411 --> 00:07:21,482 most sacred kind of money there is. 175 00:07:21,549 --> 00:07:24,454 But my father fell for some super‐obvious scam 176 00:07:24,522 --> 00:07:26,693 because his brain is made of 177 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,231 powdered mashed potatoes. 178 00:07:29,297 --> 00:07:33,172 So, no, I will not be donating. 179 00:07:34,307 --> 00:07:35,611 (huffs) 180 00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:38,784 - Oh... - Marge, if I may, I‐I dealt with a similar situation 181 00:07:38,850 --> 00:07:40,621 with my mother. She got a phone call 182 00:07:40,687 --> 00:07:42,825 claiming punk rockers were threatening to cut my hair 183 00:07:42,892 --> 00:07:45,631 into a Mohawk, which is a distinctive hairstyle... 184 00:07:45,697 --> 00:07:46,866 I know what it is. 185 00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:49,004 This place got us through it. 186 00:07:49,070 --> 00:07:50,674 Hmm. 187 00:07:50,741 --> 00:07:52,778 This could be just what we need. 188 00:07:52,845 --> 00:07:54,816 Oh, uh, sorry, that's not for you to keep. 189 00:07:54,882 --> 00:07:57,253 I don't get many business cards. 190 00:07:59,057 --> 00:08:02,163 Group therapy? In my day, we dealt with horrible shame 191 00:08:02,230 --> 00:08:05,102 by getting blind drunk, stumbling into a hobo camp 192 00:08:05,169 --> 00:08:06,639 and fighting their king. 193 00:08:06,706 --> 00:08:09,077 Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. 194 00:08:09,144 --> 00:08:10,547 Just give it a try, Abe. 195 00:08:10,614 --> 00:08:13,587 It'll help to know that you're not alone. 196 00:08:14,822 --> 00:08:16,759 (chuckles) Nice, Marge. 197 00:08:16,826 --> 00:08:19,231 Making Dad sit through a pathetic sob‐fest 198 00:08:19,297 --> 00:08:22,638 with his fellow losers is the perfect punishment. 199 00:08:22,705 --> 00:08:25,042 There's a group for you, too. 200 00:08:26,478 --> 00:08:30,353 I... (grunts) wish I never voted to build this community center. 201 00:08:30,419 --> 00:08:31,656 (Marge grunts) 202 00:08:31,723 --> 00:08:34,327 (sighs) I should have known mortgage lenders 203 00:08:34,394 --> 00:08:36,398 don't take Applebee's gift cards. 204 00:08:36,465 --> 00:08:38,837 He said if I didn't wire the money to the power company, 205 00:08:38,904 --> 00:08:41,208 they'd shut off my electricity. 206 00:08:41,275 --> 00:08:43,547 I am the power company. 207 00:08:43,613 --> 00:08:44,782 Catfished. Ooh! 208 00:08:44,849 --> 00:08:46,753 Now it seems so obvious 209 00:08:46,819 --> 00:08:49,725 that I would never meet the real Melissa Joan Hart 210 00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:51,963 in a online billiards forum. 211 00:08:52,030 --> 00:08:54,769 These criminals target the good in all of us, 212 00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:57,240 so the first step is to take a deep breath 213 00:08:57,307 --> 00:08:59,477 and forgive ourselves. 214 00:08:59,545 --> 00:09:02,985 (all inhale, exhale) 215 00:09:03,052 --> 00:09:06,893 My mother paid hackers to return her stolen computer photos. 216 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,331 (groans) They weren't gone. They were backed up 217 00:09:09,397 --> 00:09:12,170 to the cloud, Dropbox, Time Machine‐‐ 218 00:09:12,236 --> 00:09:14,140 things of that nature. 219 00:09:14,207 --> 00:09:17,413 Now, these are the things you should never say to a victim. 220 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,552 "I would never have fallen for that," 221 00:09:19,619 --> 00:09:22,190 "Everyone knows about that scam," 222 00:09:22,256 --> 00:09:24,427 and "What were you thinking?" 223 00:09:24,494 --> 00:09:26,465 I would have never fallen for that! 224 00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:28,402 Everyone knows about that scam! 225 00:09:28,469 --> 00:09:30,439 What were you thinking?! 226 00:09:30,507 --> 00:09:31,876 No, it wasn't my fault. 227 00:09:31,943 --> 00:09:34,649 This group taught me not to feel shame. 228 00:09:34,715 --> 00:09:37,788 I'm on a path of healing and self‐empowerment. 229 00:09:37,855 --> 00:09:39,625 You better not be. 230 00:09:39,692 --> 00:09:42,898 Now, what do we say to shamers like him? 231 00:09:42,965 --> 00:09:45,202 ALL: Shaming is blaming. 232 00:09:45,269 --> 00:09:48,075 Yes, 100% agree! 233 00:09:50,212 --> 00:09:51,849 (grunts) 234 00:09:51,916 --> 00:09:54,187 How could you treat Grampa like that? 235 00:09:54,254 --> 00:09:56,626 You think you're so smart. Do you really think 236 00:09:56,693 --> 00:09:59,264 the same thing wouldn't have happened to you? 237 00:09:59,330 --> 00:10:00,667 Me? Impossible. 238 00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,705 I'm too savvy. 239 00:10:02,771 --> 00:10:05,510 This savvy! See? 240 00:10:05,577 --> 00:10:08,550 Dad, anyone can get scammed. Even me. 241 00:10:08,616 --> 00:10:10,821 I paid the bullies for wedgie insurance. 242 00:10:10,887 --> 00:10:12,791 But the minute I got a wedgie, bam! 243 00:10:12,858 --> 00:10:15,396 I got hit with a deductible‐‐ another wedgie! 244 00:10:15,463 --> 00:10:16,966 And my rates went up. 245 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:20,106 That's why I never get any insurance. 246 00:10:20,172 --> 00:10:21,843 I got an email saying I qualified 247 00:10:21,909 --> 00:10:23,847 for the Saxophone Junior Olympics, 248 00:10:23,913 --> 00:10:26,786 but when I clicked the link, they hacked my phone 249 00:10:26,853 --> 00:10:30,493 and stole my Audible listener credits. 250 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:31,696 (laughs) 251 00:10:31,763 --> 00:10:34,668 You clicked the link? (laughing) 252 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:38,510 That's so... Who clicks the link? 253 00:10:38,576 --> 00:10:40,446 Even children are being scammed? 254 00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:43,285 Well, maybe there's a few more bad apples than I thought. 255 00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:47,895 But I still have to believe the barrel is mostly good. 256 00:10:47,961 --> 00:10:50,399 Oh, Marge, how I envy your sweet innocence. 257 00:10:50,466 --> 00:10:54,675 The world is a blender full of sharks set on extra teeth. 258 00:10:54,742 --> 00:10:57,380 So you got to be like me‐‐ always on guard 259 00:10:57,446 --> 00:11:00,787 - so you're never a sucker. - (doorbell rings) 260 00:11:00,854 --> 00:11:02,991 Delivery for Homer Simpson. 261 00:11:03,058 --> 00:11:04,728 Why'd you buy all these knives? 262 00:11:04,795 --> 00:11:07,601 They're not knives. They're the future of cutlery. 263 00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:09,337 Put 'em in the garage with the others. 264 00:11:09,404 --> 00:11:10,404 Others? 265 00:11:11,776 --> 00:11:13,713 - (gasps) - Cutlife is a famous 266 00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:16,051 multi‐level marketing company. 267 00:11:16,117 --> 00:11:19,357 Dad, you fell for a pyramid scheme. 268 00:11:19,424 --> 00:11:21,562 Scheme? No way. 269 00:11:21,629 --> 00:11:23,165 They didn't even want to let me join. 270 00:11:23,232 --> 00:11:26,171 But, luckily, at the last minute, a space opened up. 271 00:11:26,238 --> 00:11:28,375 How many knives have you even sold? 272 00:11:28,442 --> 00:11:30,881 (laughs) I don't sell them. 273 00:11:30,947 --> 00:11:32,584 I engage opportunity handlers 274 00:11:32,651 --> 00:11:34,755 to distributize them for me, 275 00:11:34,822 --> 00:11:36,926 the expandibution manager. 276 00:11:36,993 --> 00:11:39,297 It's all part of Charles E. Cutlife's 277 00:11:39,364 --> 00:11:42,069 three‐dimensional triangle system. 278 00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:43,940 - Look! - BART: Why can't Dad 279 00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:45,911 ever get arrested in a suit? 280 00:11:45,977 --> 00:11:47,547 Face it, genius: 281 00:11:47,614 --> 00:11:50,987 you got scammed. 282 00:11:51,054 --> 00:11:54,127 (sobs) She's right. Everyone's right. 283 00:11:54,193 --> 00:11:57,099 Don't look at my gullible face! (sobs) 284 00:11:57,901 --> 00:12:00,840 And so I consign to the flames 285 00:12:00,907 --> 00:12:03,412 a monument to my own stupidity. 286 00:12:03,478 --> 00:12:04,480 - No! - (grunts) 287 00:12:06,986 --> 00:12:10,392 Now, isn't there someone you need to apologize to? 288 00:12:10,459 --> 00:12:11,829 Maybe your father? 289 00:12:11,896 --> 00:12:13,131 Yeah, you're right. 290 00:12:13,198 --> 00:12:16,271 I said such horrible things to him. 291 00:12:16,338 --> 00:12:17,541 (gasps) 292 00:12:18,776 --> 00:12:20,580 All that time I was yelling at you, 293 00:12:20,647 --> 00:12:22,584 it turns out I'm a sucker, too. 294 00:12:22,651 --> 00:12:24,053 Will you forgive me, Dad? 295 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,057 Of course, son. Hopefully, we've all 296 00:12:26,124 --> 00:12:28,830 come out of this a little more savvy. 297 00:12:28,896 --> 00:12:30,667 (phone rings) 298 00:12:30,734 --> 00:12:33,338 Hello? Yes, this is a grandparent 299 00:12:33,405 --> 00:12:36,946 of a boy or girl. Sure, put him or her on the phone. 300 00:12:37,013 --> 00:12:39,484 No! Lisa's in jail! 301 00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:42,189 Grampa, they're trying to trick you again. 302 00:12:42,256 --> 00:12:44,127 (gasps) It's the same swindler. 303 00:12:44,193 --> 00:12:46,464 He must think I'm greedy for more. 304 00:12:46,532 --> 00:12:48,201 (gasps) I got an idea. 305 00:12:49,437 --> 00:12:52,443 Grampa, you got to keep talking so that guy stays on the phone. 306 00:12:52,511 --> 00:12:53,813 Keep talking? 307 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,583 I've been preparing for this moment 308 00:12:55,650 --> 00:12:57,186 my entire life. 309 00:12:57,253 --> 00:12:58,956 MAN: Sir, look, if you don't 310 00:12:59,023 --> 00:13:00,794 put up that bail money, your granddaughter 311 00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:02,864 will be spending the night in the cooler. 312 00:13:02,931 --> 00:13:05,436 - (crack) - In my day, we didn't have fancy coolers, 313 00:13:05,503 --> 00:13:08,743 so everyone took turns blowing on the meat to keep it fresh, 314 00:13:08,810 --> 00:13:11,982 unless you hired a Dutch family to blow on your food for you. 315 00:13:12,049 --> 00:13:15,289 Breezies is what you'd call 'em. 316 00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:18,863 (snoring) 317 00:13:20,432 --> 00:13:22,002 (high‐pitched gibberish plays, stops) 318 00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:23,606 MAN: Sir, if you could just 319 00:13:23,673 --> 00:13:25,643 give us your bank information... 320 00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:28,281 GRAMPA: It was quite the scandal when a breezy 321 00:13:28,348 --> 00:13:31,254 married a smusher‐‐ those were the fellas you hired 322 00:13:31,321 --> 00:13:33,893 to flatten your sandwiches by sitting on 'em‐‐ 323 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,999 and the whole town came out to throw tar... 324 00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:39,872 Wow, that's some quality prattle. 325 00:13:39,938 --> 00:13:41,809 Okay, I've run all three hours of the call 326 00:13:41,876 --> 00:13:43,779 through open‐source audio software, 327 00:13:43,846 --> 00:13:45,449 and the unique pattern of church bells 328 00:13:45,517 --> 00:13:49,591 and roller‐coaster screams pins the location to... 329 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:54,200 ...ladies and gentlemen, the address of the scammer. 330 00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,072 Whoa, we could get the money back. 331 00:13:57,139 --> 00:13:59,043 It's not about the money. 332 00:13:59,110 --> 00:14:01,749 I want to show that bad guy the face of the old man 333 00:14:01,815 --> 00:14:04,955 whose love and decency he exploited. 334 00:14:05,022 --> 00:14:07,527 Oh, honey, you have a beautiful heart. 335 00:14:07,594 --> 00:14:08,896 But make no mistake‐‐ 336 00:14:08,963 --> 00:14:11,635 it is about the money! 337 00:14:23,425 --> 00:14:25,229 ♪ ♪ 338 00:14:30,607 --> 00:14:32,811 Kids, today you're gonna learn an important lesson: 339 00:14:32,877 --> 00:14:35,617 sometimes the sheep get back their wool. 340 00:14:35,683 --> 00:14:38,388 (scoffs) No, they don't. They just grow more wool. 341 00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:40,827 What are you, a shepherd? Come on, Dad. 342 00:14:40,893 --> 00:14:42,964 Let's go get my eventual money back. 343 00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:46,137 How are we gonna get past the guard? 344 00:14:46,204 --> 00:14:48,141 Aw, don't worry about that. 345 00:14:48,208 --> 00:14:51,247 My friends can get us in. 346 00:14:53,251 --> 00:14:55,590 That's the surgical precision you only get 347 00:14:55,657 --> 00:14:57,794 from the finest Idaho steel. 348 00:14:57,861 --> 00:15:00,767 Amazing. I'll take the full set. 349 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,637 Oh, you're not buying the knives. 350 00:15:02,704 --> 00:15:04,073 I could sell them? 351 00:15:04,140 --> 00:15:07,413 No, you can sell other people on selling them. 352 00:15:07,479 --> 00:15:11,154 These knives sell selling themselves themselves. 353 00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:13,759 This is the opportunity of a lifetime! 354 00:15:13,826 --> 00:15:17,567 I'm gonna go tell my pregnant wife about my new career. 355 00:15:18,669 --> 00:15:21,140 Okay, Grampa, we're gonna find that bad guy 356 00:15:21,207 --> 00:15:23,612 and get you some justice. 357 00:15:23,679 --> 00:15:26,819 (low overlapping chatter) 358 00:15:26,885 --> 00:15:28,589 Uh, which one's the scammer? 359 00:15:28,656 --> 00:15:30,526 They're all the scammer. 360 00:15:30,593 --> 00:15:32,864 The IRS tax police are on their way to your home, 361 00:15:32,931 --> 00:15:35,903 but we'll accept immediate payment in Fortnite V‐bucks. 362 00:15:35,970 --> 00:15:38,375 Oh, your Airbnb is all ready to go, there. 363 00:15:38,441 --> 00:15:40,580 I'm fluffing the towels right now. 364 00:15:40,646 --> 00:15:42,116 Fluff, fluff. 365 00:15:42,182 --> 00:15:44,053 There's so many of them. 366 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:44,888 (clears throat) 367 00:15:44,955 --> 00:15:47,927 You are all in an unethical industry 368 00:15:47,994 --> 00:15:50,365 and we have called the authorities. 369 00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,405 (panting) Oh, man. 370 00:15:53,471 --> 00:15:56,344 Another boiler room of phone hucksters. 371 00:15:56,411 --> 00:15:58,549 All right, scambags, you know the drill: 372 00:15:58,616 --> 00:16:02,590 you don't got to go home, but you can't grift here. 373 00:16:05,028 --> 00:16:07,667 - Come on. - What? - Really? 374 00:16:09,236 --> 00:16:11,307 Aren't you going to arrest them? 375 00:16:11,374 --> 00:16:13,344 Marge, you shut down one of these, 376 00:16:13,411 --> 00:16:15,415 five more pop up in its place. 377 00:16:15,482 --> 00:16:18,054 Phone fraud and Halloween costumes for pets 378 00:16:18,121 --> 00:16:20,726 are America's only growth industries. 379 00:16:20,793 --> 00:16:23,966 So they're just employees doing this for a paycheck? 380 00:16:24,033 --> 00:16:26,037 I wish we got paid in money. 381 00:16:26,103 --> 00:16:28,809 All we get is minimum wage and gift cards. 382 00:16:28,876 --> 00:16:30,947 - Do you have my dad's money? - No. 383 00:16:31,013 --> 00:16:32,851 - Do you have my money? - Nope. 384 00:16:32,917 --> 00:16:34,487 Can I have $10,000? 385 00:16:34,554 --> 00:16:36,190 BART'S VOICE: Not gonna happen, dude. 386 00:16:36,257 --> 00:16:38,194 Hey, you sound familiar. 387 00:16:38,261 --> 00:16:40,098 Don't have a cow, man. 388 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,639 Is this what we wanted to happen? 389 00:16:43,706 --> 00:16:47,714 Okay, I know this seems bad, but... but, uh... 390 00:16:47,780 --> 00:16:51,387 Oh, come on, Mom, you always see the good in everything. 391 00:16:51,454 --> 00:16:54,193 Well, on the bright side, 392 00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:56,999 if you look at it a certain way... 393 00:16:57,065 --> 00:16:58,536 there is no bright side! 394 00:16:58,602 --> 00:17:01,374 The whole world is one big criminal organization! 395 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:05,015 From hedge funds to payday loans to the NCAA, 396 00:17:05,081 --> 00:17:06,885 it's not just a few bad apples‐‐ 397 00:17:06,952 --> 00:17:09,524 it's the whole orchard that's rotten! 398 00:17:09,591 --> 00:17:10,960 (grunts) 399 00:17:11,027 --> 00:17:12,630 Whoa, gift cards! 400 00:17:12,697 --> 00:17:14,066 Justice wasn't served, 401 00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,672 but dinner is. 402 00:17:18,041 --> 00:17:20,278 (groans) I can't believe we ate 403 00:17:20,345 --> 00:17:22,951 $500 worth of appetizers. 404 00:17:23,017 --> 00:17:26,558 Revenge sliders dipped in payback sauce. 405 00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:27,660 Mmm. 406 00:17:27,727 --> 00:17:29,864 Honey, you're not sweating from overeating. 407 00:17:29,931 --> 00:17:31,635 What's wrong? 408 00:17:31,702 --> 00:17:35,509 These gift cards were obtained by scamming innocent people. 409 00:17:35,576 --> 00:17:37,279 So no, thank you. 410 00:17:37,346 --> 00:17:38,649 You said it yourself‐‐ 411 00:17:38,716 --> 00:17:41,387 everyone in the world is ripping off everyone else. 412 00:17:41,454 --> 00:17:44,059 Why shouldn't we wet our beaks? 413 00:17:44,126 --> 00:17:47,032 Oh, you got to try these fried beaks. 414 00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:49,436 Dip the beak! Dip the beak! 415 00:17:49,504 --> 00:17:52,009 Well, it seems like no one else has a problem 416 00:17:52,075 --> 00:17:54,848 gorging on ill‐gotten appetizers. 417 00:17:56,083 --> 00:17:58,154 Beak me. 418 00:18:03,866 --> 00:18:06,137 (munching) 419 00:18:06,938 --> 00:18:09,176 With that deep‐fried morsel, 420 00:18:09,243 --> 00:18:12,282 my victory is complete. 421 00:18:12,349 --> 00:18:14,086 Uh, we're all seeing 422 00:18:14,153 --> 00:18:17,092 the freak in the sandals, right? (burps) 423 00:18:17,159 --> 00:18:19,864 Yes, but this can't be real. 424 00:18:19,931 --> 00:18:23,906 We probably just ate too many wasabi mac and cheese balls. 425 00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:25,810 Silence, you mewling wretches, 426 00:18:25,876 --> 00:18:29,283 for I am Loki, god of mischief. 427 00:18:29,349 --> 00:18:31,788 But I am known by many names 428 00:18:31,855 --> 00:18:33,859 and take many forms. 429 00:18:36,097 --> 00:18:38,367 Buy crypto, suckers! 430 00:18:38,434 --> 00:18:40,573 And my handiwork of deception 431 00:18:40,639 --> 00:18:43,712 is woven into the fabric of the universe. 432 00:18:43,779 --> 00:18:46,016 From the Ticketmaster convenience fee 433 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,522 to the NCAA. 434 00:18:48,589 --> 00:18:51,828 Oh, lord of appetizers, I kneel before you. 435 00:18:51,895 --> 00:18:55,368 Who shall I smother with ranch in your name? 436 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:59,243 Well, Loki, you've already taken an old man's life savings. 437 00:18:59,309 --> 00:19:01,013 What more do you want? 438 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,384 I have come here to... 439 00:19:03,451 --> 00:19:04,621 'Zerz... 440 00:19:04,687 --> 00:19:06,290 to take my prize: 441 00:19:06,357 --> 00:19:09,463 an honest woman's belief in the good of mankind. 442 00:19:09,531 --> 00:19:12,603 And now, as the old laws demand, 443 00:19:12,670 --> 00:19:15,976 I must bestow upon the vanquished a kiss. 444 00:19:16,043 --> 00:19:17,412 Mwah. 445 00:19:17,479 --> 00:19:19,818 Ha‐ha! There are no old laws. 446 00:19:19,884 --> 00:19:22,122 God of mischief does it again! 447 00:19:22,189 --> 00:19:24,359 Now, off to add more blackout dates 448 00:19:24,426 --> 00:19:27,065 to Disneyland annual passes. 449 00:19:27,132 --> 00:19:30,673 (giggles) 450 00:19:30,739 --> 00:19:32,510 Suckers. 451 00:19:33,311 --> 00:19:35,114 Whoa, that was weird. 452 00:19:35,181 --> 00:19:37,219 Should we get the rest to go? 453 00:19:38,522 --> 00:19:41,026 Excuse me, I'm out of gas 454 00:19:41,093 --> 00:19:42,697 and left my wallet at home. 455 00:19:42,763 --> 00:19:44,132 Would you lend me $20? 456 00:19:44,199 --> 00:19:46,237 I'll mail it back to you, I promise. 457 00:19:46,303 --> 00:19:49,109 Uh, I'm sorry, but that is an obvious scam. 458 00:19:49,176 --> 00:19:50,779 Uh, go find another sucker. 459 00:19:50,846 --> 00:19:53,284 Is this it‐‐ from now on, I live in a world 460 00:19:53,351 --> 00:19:56,257 where nobody trusts anybody? 461 00:19:56,323 --> 00:19:58,127 No, not me. 462 00:19:58,194 --> 00:20:00,699 Here's $20 and my address. 463 00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:03,839 I trust that you'll mail me the money. 464 00:20:11,721 --> 00:20:13,324 (sighs) 465 00:20:16,030 --> 00:20:18,334 (gasps) I knew it! 466 00:20:18,401 --> 00:20:19,604 Maybe you're right, baby. 467 00:20:19,671 --> 00:20:22,375 There still are some good people out there. 468 00:20:22,442 --> 00:20:25,683 In your face, god of scams! 469 00:20:29,156 --> 00:20:30,592 (whistles tune) 470 00:20:30,659 --> 00:20:33,364 Well, I'm out another 20 bucks, 471 00:20:33,431 --> 00:20:36,337 but I gave them something to believe in. 472 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:39,142 (laughs) Suckers. 473 00:20:51,968 --> 00:20:54,272 Your Social Security number has been compromised. 474 00:20:54,339 --> 00:20:55,384 Please give us your Social Security number 475 00:20:55,408 --> 00:20:57,445 so we can keep it safe. 476 00:20:58,247 --> 00:21:01,353 I met my billionaire boyfriend on Billionaire Match. 477 00:21:01,420 --> 00:21:02,857 Match with billions of billionaires 478 00:21:02,923 --> 00:21:05,395 for only $4.95 a month. 479 00:21:06,664 --> 00:21:09,837 If you or your family have used toilet paper in the last year, 480 00:21:09,904 --> 00:21:13,377 you can join us in a class action lawsuit. 481 00:21:14,446 --> 00:21:16,918 We have found nude photos of you. 482 00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:19,122 If you want these removed and/or touched up, 483 00:21:19,189 --> 00:21:21,427 please press 1 now. 484 00:21:22,362 --> 00:21:25,234 This is Jerry down at whatever bank you use. 485 00:21:25,301 --> 00:21:27,038 We lost your PIN number. 486 00:21:27,105 --> 00:21:29,142 Can you send it to us? 487 00:21:30,813 --> 00:21:32,415 Shh!