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("The Simpsons Theme"
plays briefly)
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(menu selection sound popping)
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‐(indistinct chatter)
‐This just in...
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Chief, I think
that madman who shot up
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the Lard Lad
knows where Homer is.
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Look, he dropped this
on his way out.
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Have you been crying?
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It's just so horrible.
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Mr. Burns? The Disco Guy?
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Fat Tony?
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Look what they did
to my beautiful goombah.
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(crying)
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I can't ever eat a donut again.
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Chief, pull yourself together.
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My husband is still missing.
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And I hate to say it,
but I think Ned Flanders
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has something to do with this.
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Open your eyes, Marge.
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If Homer's mixed up in this,
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he's probably a cruller by now.
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Satan himself has come
to this town,
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and I'm not man enough
to take him on.
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If you see Lou,
tell him Eddie's chief now.
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(gasps)
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The killer's driving
the Rich Texan's car.
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Hmm...
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(typing on keyboard)
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BROCKMAN (over TV):
Police describe
the mysterious assailant
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as a grim metaphor
for a universe without justice.
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That's the may‐diddly‐aniac
who's got Homer.
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How am I gonna come up
with that ransom?
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I can't do a GoFundMe
for a kidnapping.
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There's too many
of those already.
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Oh, Granddad, I donated
that money to the orphans
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in honor of your decency, but...
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now I need it back.
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How'd all that cash
get in that tree anyway?
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I want my haircut to look
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just as square
as yours, Paw Paw.
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(jangles)
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Careful there, barber.
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I wouldn't want you
to nick the neck
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of the town's favorite sheriff.
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(all laugh)
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The Szyslak brothers.
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Hey, hey, we don't want
no trouble, fellas.
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Someone call the zoo,
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the ape house is missing
its ugliest baboons.
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You got no call
pointing out our ugliness.
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That's why it's time
you got what's coming to you.
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Cy, take the boy outside.
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(lock clicks)
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You got something for me?
Let me have it.
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Ah, my favorite time of day,
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bribe o'clock.
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Ooh, and thicker than usual.
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That's what I came to tell you.
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We made a deal
with the Capital City Mob.
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We're slinging amphetamines now.
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That's right, "Brain fizz."
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"Trucker's milk."
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"Texas Teeth looseners."
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Long as I get my cut,
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I don't care if you sell rat
crap and call them Milk Duds.
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Now, Slocum, I've got
a sterling reputation to uphold.
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You mind if I punch
one of your brothers
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through this plate glass window?
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Nah, take your pick.
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(screams, grunts)
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Paw Paw, you're the finest man
I'll ever know.
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Yes, I am, Neddy.
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♪ They call me
Good Time Charlie ♪
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♪ Playboy with
a whole lot of soul ♪
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♪ I said, they call me
Good Time Charlie ♪
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♪ Playboy with
a whole lot of soul ♪
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♪ I'm the last
of the big‐time spenders ♪
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♪ I keep a pocket full of gold ♪
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♪ Whoa! Put on your
red dress, baby. ♪
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Enough sucking
on that toad, Sheriff.
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‐Hmm?
‐Time to earn your keep.
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00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:23,197
Gentlemen, your primo crank
is selling like meth on speed.
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Just give it to our numbers guy.
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One hundred seventy‐three
thousand, two hundred and...
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(sniffs)
...ninety‐six dollars.
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Yeah, that's even more money
back now in the early '70s.
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Which made me wonder,
why should we share?
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‐(snaps fingers)
‐(weapons click)
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Uh... uh...
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(snaps fingers)
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(weapons clicking)
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Oh, God, all right, fellas,
why don't we all relax
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and put down our crazy
assortment of weapons?
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I'm talking to you,
Mr. Dynamite Nunchucks.
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The tiniest little thing
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could turn this standoff
into a bloodbath.
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Oh, shoot.
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(gunfire)
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(explosion)
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(whimpering)
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Dear Lord, you know me,
I'm a good time Charlie,
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but if you see fit
to save my hide,
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I promise to become the kind of
man my grandson can be proud of.
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‐(gunfire ceases)
‐Hmm?
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(angelic music plays)
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My whole family, they're dead.
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I don't got to share this
with no one.
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‐(gunshot)
‐(body thuds)
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Sorry, God, but hey,
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you can only send me
to Hell once.
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‐(sirens wailing)
‐Hmm? Hmm.
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(grunting)
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Fellas, Sheriff Flanders here.
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(gasps)
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The money, where is it?
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Okay, hey, okay.
(laughs nervously)
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Easy, friend.
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It's all yours, I promise.
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Just don't‐‐ (grunts)
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(stammering)
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(grunts) Ah...
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Oh, come on.
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So frustrating.
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Well, there goes my life.
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(sirens wailing)
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(tires screeching)
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Oh, Paw Paw,
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I've lived my whole life trying
to be as fine a man as you,
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but Homer Simpson's gonna die
unless I do the unthinkable:
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steal back the money
I gave to these orphans.
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‐We love you, Mr. Flanders!
‐(sighs)
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("Sabor A Mi"
by Los Panchos playing)
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Oh, Colette.
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There appears to be
a trail of rose petals
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leading to the master bath.
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I wonder who
could've left them there?
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(speaking French)
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Oh, come now.
You're still cross?
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For the last time,
we can't just turn down jobs
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because it's our anniversary.
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Wait, you international
psychos are married?
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That's none of your concern,
you shorn sheep.
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Huh?
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Tell him, how many year?
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How many year?
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Ten years of wedded bliss.
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Each year sweeter than the last.
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(speaking French)
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Not one vacation.
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We don't get to take vacations
if we don't take jobs.
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00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:10,257
It's called math, darling.
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00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:14,962
Hm, wow, if I said something
that sexist,
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my wife would be furious.
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You see?
Even the dead man knows.
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Look, the best marriage advice
I ever got was,
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"If you're thinking it,
just say it."
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Really? Then I should
tell her that every day
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she becomes more and more
like her mother. (grunts)
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My mother was twice the assassin
you will ever be.
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What did Dr. Pam say
about acting on anger?
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You tell her, Irish guy.
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Go for the eyes, Frenchie.
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Whoever wins
was right all along.
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‐(grunts)
‐(glass shatters)
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‐(grunts) Hey!
‐(grunts) Oh!
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(whimpers)
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Uh, guys? There's a little fire
situation in the kitchen here.
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00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:04,945
Okay, you're communicating
honestly, which is great.
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00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,748
What say we focus on
achievable goals as a couple,
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like putting out this fire?
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Phew.
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D'oh!
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‐Ah!
‐Never go to bed angry?
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00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:17,424
Cuddling doesn't always
lead to sex?
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00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:21,361
You're not just married killers,
you're homicidal best friends.
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Happy anniversary?
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(sighs, speaks French)
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Ah, you're a corker,
my violent femme.
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‐(both moaning)
‐♪ ♪
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Aw, I knew you crazy kids
could make it work.
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Now, we should probably
get out of here before the‐‐
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You guys okay?
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(grunts)
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00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:59,566
(groans) The key to this safe
has to be here somewhere.
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(gasps)
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00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:06,273
What in the blue heck
are you doing here?
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Last I saw, you were judging
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my God‐given right
to an open marriage.
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00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:14,882
Uh, Barb, I'm in
serious trouble. (chuckles)
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00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,016
The thing is, uh...
190
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:19,119
Fish or get off the hole,
Mr. Flanders.
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00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:26,693
I haven't been able
to get that spiffy bod of yours
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out of my dang‐diddly mind.
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Jumpin' jiminy.
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00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,701
(both moaning)
195
00:10:38,172 --> 00:10:39,173
FLANDERS:
You can do this, Neddy.
196
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:42,376
Just think about Homer Simpson.
197
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:53,787
Oh, Homie.
I thought I'd lost you.
198
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,789
(kisses)
199
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,058
Oh, Marge, I'm so sorry.
200
00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:00,794
I'll never be selfish again.
201
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:05,299
Whew! Wasn't that a brisk walk
around Lake How‐do‐ya‐do?
202
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,901
I'm gonna get a Faygo
from the mini fridge.
203
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:09,036
Do you want one?
204
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,638
Uh, grape, if they have it.
205
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:23,050
(gasps) That gosh darn thief.
206
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,587
Uff‐da!
207
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:28,488
I got away with it.
208
00:11:28,589 --> 00:11:30,490
‐I got away with...
‐(glass shatters)
209
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:31,525
(screams)
210
00:11:31,592 --> 00:11:32,926
(tires screeching)
211
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,595
I'm sorry, God.
212
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:38,131
I‐I just want Homer Simpson
to be okay.
213
00:11:43,337 --> 00:11:45,506
‐Oh, there he is.
‐(cars crash)
214
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:52,145
Ned. Buddy.
Let's get you out of there.
215
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:56,149
(Fargo ‐style drums playing)
216
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:01,421
Ow! (grunting)
217
00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:07,828
Oh, I saved you.
218
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,397
You're finally mine.
219
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:12,666
(kissing)
220
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:17,137
I'm married to the most
selfish man in the world.
221
00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:18,972
BARB:
Everybody, all around,
222
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:22,276
‐look at this man.
‐(yelps)
223
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:26,046
He saved the orphans' money
and the flag.
224
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:28,282
Look at the burns
on his saintly arm.
225
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:31,885
Oh, this husky gent
is an American hero.
226
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:33,687
(crowd cheering)
227
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:38,458
Not like that snake,
Ned Flanders.
228
00:12:38,559 --> 00:12:42,196
Why, he stole this money
after trying to seduce me
229
00:12:42,296 --> 00:12:45,832
out of my happily‐closed
marriage to Sideshow Mel.
230
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,668
‐(crowd gasps)
‐Oh, uh...
231
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,036
That monster!
232
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:52,739
Where is he, so that
I might thrash him?
233
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:55,342
He's right over... (gasps)
234
00:12:55,409 --> 00:12:57,644
(panting)
235
00:12:57,744 --> 00:12:59,546
(cell phone rings)
236
00:13:00,681 --> 00:13:02,916
COSTAS (over phone):
Hello, church chum.
237
00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:05,786
I, um...
I don't have your money.
238
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,654
And I don't have your man.
239
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:09,189
Funny how things work out.
240
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:12,025
I committed every sin
in the book to get that money‐‐
241
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,928
except sloth, I guess‐‐
and now it's gone.
242
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,297
Money can be lost, Mr. Flanders,
243
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:19,900
but a debt never goes away.
244
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,869
I am coming to collect.
245
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:25,038
When you least expect it,
expect it.
246
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,541
‐You mean now?
‐No, not now.
247
00:13:27,608 --> 00:13:30,611
Well, you saying not now
makes me expect it more.
248
00:13:30,711 --> 00:13:33,413
Look, this is the one time
you shouldn't expect it,
249
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,483
but every other time,
do expect it.
250
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:45,626
NARRATOR:
Three years ago,
Homer Simpson risked his life
251
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:46,960
to save an orphanage's future.
252
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:49,696
And now, I'm here
to save your car's future.
253
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,231
Oil changes, alignment,
254
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,800
and brake pads,
brake pads, brake pads.
255
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:56,303
All at Heroic Lube and Tire.
256
00:13:56,370 --> 00:13:58,939
Where Route 4 meets
Disco Stu Memorial Drive.
257
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:02,009
Just look for the inflatable me.
258
00:14:02,643 --> 00:14:04,645
Mr. Simpson, may I just say
259
00:14:04,745 --> 00:14:08,048
it is an honor to get
my washer fluid from you.
260
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:11,418
Yo, can I get a selfie
with that gnarly arm?
261
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,221
What's it like to be married
262
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:16,490
to the most beloved man
in Springfield?
263
00:14:16,557 --> 00:14:19,159
Every day's
better than the last.
264
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:20,460
Now come back soon
265
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,697
'cause you'll always get
a hero's welcome.
266
00:14:23,764 --> 00:14:24,998
(laughter)
267
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:26,300
OTTO:
I get it.
268
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:30,270
"Hero." The word makes me
sick to my stomach.
269
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:36,810
I'll never forget
seeing you choose the money
270
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:39,213
instead of saving Ned. Never.
271
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:42,916
I wish I could explain,
but I can't.
272
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,485
I would've left this
godforsaken marriage
273
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,821
years ago if it
wasn't for the kids‐‐
274
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:50,023
‐My special little guy!
‐There he is.
275
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,024
Check it out.
276
00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:53,227
I got my
Online Citizenship badge
277
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,495
for being so polite
on social media.
278
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,765
You're going to be the youngest
Eagle Scout in town.
279
00:14:58,832 --> 00:15:00,400
Well, I am half hero.
280
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:05,706
I got 100 RSVPs
to my birthday party.
281
00:15:05,806 --> 00:15:06,940
(laughs)
282
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,410
They probably just want
to come to meet you.
283
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,379
Got some mail, Dad.
284
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:15,516
Why'd you get a blank postcard
from Wyoming?
285
00:15:16,717 --> 00:15:18,519
Hm, that's weird.
286
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,554
Probably just junk.
287
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:24,358
("Las Vegas Tango"
by Gary Burton playing)
288
00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:46,580
(groans)
289
00:16:11,772 --> 00:16:12,773
(gun cocks)
290
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,741
Don't shoot, you little weirdos.
291
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,944
Daddy, it's Mr. Simpson.
292
00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:20,013
Hiddly‐ho, neighborino.
293
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,384
So, how are things
in good old Springfield?
294
00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:26,353
Uh... it's okay.
295
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:28,355
Jailbird got super religious.
296
00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:31,491
(crying):
And Marge hates me.
297
00:16:31,558 --> 00:16:35,128
Our marriage is deader
than Disco Stu.
298
00:16:35,229 --> 00:16:38,098
All because I tried
to save that money's life
299
00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:39,766
and not yours.
300
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:42,336
That money made sinners
of us all.
301
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,204
Can I tell you something, Homer?
302
00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,707
I wanted people
to know I donated it.
303
00:16:46,807 --> 00:16:48,942
I wanted the attention.
304
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:51,011
I brought all of this upon us.
305
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:52,813
We both suck.
306
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,882
(crying)
307
00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:57,584
Equally.
308
00:16:58,819 --> 00:17:00,153
(glass shatters)
309
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,823
Oh, no. He's tracked you here.
310
00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:04,958
No way. I took
all the precautions,
311
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,827
even the mariachi Ferris wheel.
312
00:17:06,927 --> 00:17:09,096
(banging on door)
313
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,298
‐(screams)
‐What is it, Homer?
314
00:17:11,365 --> 00:17:13,400
A mistress?
A secret family?
315
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:16,270
You'd better not be
a sports podcaster.
316
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:18,472
(gasps) Ned?
317
00:17:18,539 --> 00:17:20,807
Don't be too sore
at this fella, Marge.
318
00:17:20,908 --> 00:17:22,409
Homer's been
our lifeline up here:
319
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:25,379
food, shelter,
books he thinks I'd like.
320
00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:27,481
They certainly were
a motley crew.
321
00:17:27,548 --> 00:17:31,285
This is the most selfless thing
you've ever done,
322
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,120
and you didn't even tell anyone.
323
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,756
I couldn't say anything,
or Ned would be in danger.
324
00:17:35,856 --> 00:17:38,792
There's this crazy psycho
who wants to kill him, and‐‐
325
00:17:38,859 --> 00:17:40,294
Hey, you weren't
followed here, were you?
326
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,295
(gunshots)
327
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:43,096
(all scream)
328
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:57,544
Great, more walking.
329
00:17:57,611 --> 00:18:00,147
Homie, if we don't make it,
330
00:18:00,214 --> 00:18:03,684
I need you to know
that you are a decent man,
331
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,886
and I love you.
332
00:18:05,953 --> 00:18:08,689
No. I won't put you two
in any more danger.
333
00:18:08,789 --> 00:18:10,557
I'm the one he wants.
334
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,228
‐Okay. Bye.
‐Phew. Good luck.
335
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,096
(dramatic music playing)
336
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,952
It's been a long time,
Mr. Flanders.
337
00:18:39,019 --> 00:18:41,088
Now, will you
be paying your debt
338
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:43,690
in money or blood?
339
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:45,025
(panting)
340
00:18:45,092 --> 00:18:47,227
Blood it is.
341
00:18:48,829 --> 00:18:51,532
Ah, balance.
342
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:55,068
Balance? Is that what
this blood‐soaked rigmarole
343
00:18:55,169 --> 00:18:57,471
has been all about? Why?
344
00:18:57,538 --> 00:19:01,575
You ever hear the parable
of Lucifer and the millipede?
345
00:19:01,675 --> 00:19:03,544
One day, a tiny...
346
00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:07,481
The end.
347
00:19:07,548 --> 00:19:08,815
Oh, just kill me already.
348
00:19:08,916 --> 00:19:10,817
I deserve it for stealing,
349
00:19:10,884 --> 00:19:13,153
seducing, fibbing.
350
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,989
I tarnished the good name
of my Paw Paw,
351
00:19:16,089 --> 00:19:18,358
Sherriff Ned Flanders.
352
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,227
(laughs)
353
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:23,530
Your grandfather was dirtier
than a hobo's handkerchief.
354
00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:27,801
Why, he even killed a man
in cold blood for that money.
355
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:28,902
No!
356
00:19:28,969 --> 00:19:31,638
He was nothing
but a good time Charlie.
357
00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:33,707
I'll kill you!
358
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,516
(gasps)
359
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,688
(groans)
360
00:19:47,788 --> 00:19:49,523
(ice cracking)
361
00:20:09,176 --> 00:20:11,979
(water continues splashing)
362
00:20:19,186 --> 00:20:21,421
(dramatic music playing)
363
00:20:41,375 --> 00:20:43,477
♪ ♪
364
00:20:43,577 --> 00:20:46,680
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
365
00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:49,483
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
366
00:20:49,583 --> 00:20:52,486
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
367
00:20:52,586 --> 00:20:55,989
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
368
00:21:39,233 --> 00:21:41,068
Shh!