1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,371 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:09,643 (wind hissing) 3 00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:18,585 (indistinct chatter) 4 00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:22,389 Shut up! It's starting! 5 00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:23,957 The Springfield Atoms have earned 6 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,058 the number‐one pick in this year's draft, 7 00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:29,229 after intentionally losing every game last season. 8 00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:32,099 Nobody tanks like Springfield‐‐ 9 00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:34,268 City of Intentional Losers. 10 00:00:34,401 --> 00:00:36,203 (chanting): Tank! Tank! Tank! 11 00:00:36,303 --> 00:00:37,938 ‐And with the first pick ‐(crowd booing) 12 00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:41,041 of the draft, the Springfield Atoms select... 13 00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:42,876 Grayson Mathers. 14 00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:44,545 (cheering) 15 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:45,946 All right! 16 00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:48,682 HOMER: Yeah! All right! 17 00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:50,684 (whoops) 18 00:00:50,817 --> 00:00:53,854 We have witnessed the most beautiful birth in the world‐‐ 19 00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:56,290 that of a football dynasty. 20 00:00:56,390 --> 00:01:00,427 Let's show Philadelphia what a real victory riot looks like! 21 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:03,430 (clamoring) 22 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:07,701 (grunts) 23 00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:10,070 (clamoring continues) 24 00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:12,506 What a needless tragedy. 25 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,975 You say our corporate revenue is down? 26 00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:17,644 Well, the losses are all coming from one division‐‐ 27 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:18,946 your liquor company. 28 00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:20,480 Sales of Mr. Gentleman Brandy 29 00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:23,283 have reached zero and are only projected to go down. 30 00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:24,251 Impossible. 31 00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,153 Mr. Gentleman is sipped by every trustee 32 00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:28,355 of the Narragansett Whale Oil Concern. 33 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,891 Well, maybe the problem is the ad campaign. 34 00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,359 It's encouraging consuming 35 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,528 as little of the liquor as possible. 36 00:01:36,129 --> 00:01:38,799 Ah. That'll hold me for quite a while. 37 00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,234 So, I brought in a branding expert 38 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,469 to reimagine Mr. Gentleman. 39 00:01:42,569 --> 00:01:43,637 These days, 40 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,873 which in the branding business is called "the present," 41 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:48,008 the only liquor brands people care about 42 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,110 are endorsed by big celebrities. 43 00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:52,145 People think, "If I buy this tequila, 44 00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:54,348 then I'm as fun as George Clooney." 45 00:01:54,414 --> 00:01:56,884 Or, "I need to be more smug and unbearable. 46 00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:59,286 (gasps) Hey, Ryan Reynolds has a gin." 47 00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:02,723 So we find the perfect celebrity to represent my brandy. 48 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:03,991 But who? 49 00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:05,726 What about Harrison Ford? 50 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:07,728 ‐Too Hollywood. ‐Dolly Parton? 51 00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:08,762 Too Dollywood. 52 00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:09,763 With that, we end the list 53 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:12,099 of every celebrity who does not already have 54 00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,567 an existing liquor company. 55 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,870 So what we need is a brand‐new celebrity, 56 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,972 one adored by the common man. 57 00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,974 CROWD: (chanting): Grayson Mathers! 58 00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:24,411 Grayson Mathers! Grayson Mathers! 59 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:25,913 ‐(snaps fingers) ‐REPORTER: Grayson! 60 00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:27,147 Grayson, some have dubbed you 61 00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:29,383 "The Savior of Springfield Football". 62 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,785 Isn't that a lot of pressure for a rookie? 63 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:33,053 I do me. 64 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,622 If you don't like it, that's on you. 65 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:36,590 Mm‐hmm. 66 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,292 REPORTER 2: Grayson, some people are put off 67 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:39,793 by your tell‐it‐like‐it‐is attitude. 68 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:40,961 What do you say to them? 69 00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:42,129 I'm an open book, 70 00:02:42,262 --> 00:02:43,931 but the media and haters 71 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,933 and people who have never played the game, 72 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,836 I carry myself with a certain confidence, 73 00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:51,271 and I don't apologize for your perception 74 00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:54,474 of statements I did not make, but stand by. 75 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,476 Truth bomb. 76 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,178 I sleep at night. 77 00:02:58,245 --> 00:02:59,813 REPORTER 2: What did you just say? 78 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,582 I do me. 79 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:02,783 (reporters clamoring) 80 00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:05,552 Man, that dude keeps it so real. 81 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:06,920 He's all, "This is me. 82 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,989 I don't apologize. What up, haters?" 83 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,124 He does him. 84 00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:13,994 I wish I was half as myself as he is. 85 00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:17,865 They adore this pigskin‐tossing football thrower. 86 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,600 He's brash, outspoken, 87 00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:21,502 willfully uninformed. 88 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:22,970 He has no filter. 89 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,772 In our sanitized, clickbait‐ready, 90 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:26,907 media‐driven world, 91 00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:29,376 what people crave is authenticity. 92 00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:32,112 If you don't believe me, look at the metrics. 93 00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:33,080 Now you believe me. 94 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,682 Why didn't you mention any of this before? 95 00:03:35,782 --> 00:03:38,652 I don't know. 96 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:42,122 This bad boy must be the new face of my brandy company. 97 00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:43,924 Smithers, hire him at once. 98 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:46,360 And get rid of this. 99 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,830 But my metrics! 100 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,265 (thud) 101 00:03:55,502 --> 00:03:58,338 GRAYSON: I got no problem being me. 102 00:03:58,438 --> 00:03:59,840 Opinions exist. 103 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,241 Think about it. 104 00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:04,111 Do you seriously doubt I know what I'm like? 105 00:04:04,178 --> 00:04:05,946 And when it comes to brandy, 106 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,581 go ahead and sip. 107 00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:08,582 Me? 108 00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,317 I'll chug. 109 00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:12,753 I do me. 110 00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:14,454 You do you... 111 00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,190 my way. 112 00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:18,725 Congratulations, my boy. 113 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:22,396 You are the face of America's most marked‐up trash liquor. 114 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:24,665 There's one thing that's unique about me‐‐ 115 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,900 I've always admired rich people. 116 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,736 And now I'm getting paid by one. 117 00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:30,971 That's on you. 118 00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,273 Aw, come on, Burnsy. 119 00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:34,975 Bring it in. 120 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,377 Yeah. I got you, bro. 121 00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:39,279 ♪ ♪ 122 00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:43,450 So this is what it feels like to be brought in. 123 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:49,389 Cheers! 124 00:04:49,489 --> 00:04:52,159 To the money that comes from business. 125 00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:55,028 To friendship hugs. 126 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,897 (sighs) Well, 127 00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,131 first game of the season tomorrow, 128 00:04:58,198 --> 00:04:59,333 so I'd better hit the Hay. 129 00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:01,034 That's the name of the club I'm going to. 130 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,236 Then I'm gonna hit the Sack. 131 00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:04,438 That's where the after‐party is. 132 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:11,044 There he is, kids. 133 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,480 The QB who will one day take us to the Super Bowl, 134 00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,582 own several local car dealerships 135 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,785 and host a middling Saturday Night Live. 136 00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,488 MARGE: Oh, look at that baby face. 137 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:24,258 I hope there's no tackling today. 138 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,295 BART: Babyface looks a little hungover, Mom. 139 00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:30,163 LISA: Geez. He's kind of got 140 00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:33,800 that "Dad asleep in his car outside Moe's" look going. 141 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,669 The icy stare of a born winner? 142 00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:37,971 Yes. That one. 143 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:42,142 And so begins a new era in Atoms football. 144 00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,144 The golden child's mighty arm 145 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:47,748 shall spiral a grim warning to all who would oppose him. 146 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,816 Hut, hut! Hike! 147 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,051 (grunts) 148 00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:52,819 (grunting, panting) 149 00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,922 (groaning) 150 00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,623 Oh, God. 151 00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:57,925 (booing) 152 00:05:57,991 --> 00:06:00,427 ‐Get off the field! ‐Boo! ‐You suck! 153 00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:02,996 Oh, my God. 154 00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:06,633 The 22‐year‐old I bet all my happiness on 155 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,069 is nothing but a bust! 156 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,171 Bust! Bust! Bust! Bust! 157 00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:13,273 But you were just cheering for him. 158 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:14,975 You've been talking about how great he is 159 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,476 every day for months. 160 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,145 But he's sucking. 161 00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:19,680 It's the second‐best thing he could do 162 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,448 next to playing great. 163 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:22,282 (booing) 164 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,852 How dare they jeer that boy? 165 00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:27,020 He's like the arrogant, out‐of‐control son 166 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,590 I never sent to boarding school and forgot about. 167 00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:32,960 ANNOUNCER: And Grayson Mathers has just been benched. 168 00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:36,430 And here comes the Haterade. 169 00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:37,731 Aah! 170 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,633 (booing) 171 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,768 Boo an angel, why don't you? 172 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:44,538 Thunder‐stick him! 173 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:45,706 (grunting) 174 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:48,442 (booing) 175 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:56,250 There are far worse things to be buried under. 176 00:06:56,316 --> 00:07:00,153 Launch the souvenir loaded nachos! 177 00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:11,265 Ah. Nothing like a nice body‐temperature bath. 178 00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:13,033 I've never been booed before. 179 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,068 Not even when I trolled the Florida State fans 180 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,737 by dancing on their coach. 181 00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:19,673 Am I, like, a loser now? 182 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,542 If I am a loser, 183 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,544 then maybe I shouldn't be... 184 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:24,778 doing me. 185 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:25,779 Pish posh. 186 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,614 Doing you is what you do best. 187 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:28,849 And I'll prove it, 188 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:31,518 by putting you in front of an adoring crowd. 189 00:07:33,187 --> 00:07:34,888 Captain Underpants here! 190 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,089 Wimpy Kid! 191 00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:37,791 I got Narnia! 192 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,826 Goosebumps here! 193 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:43,597 Our guest has achieved great things in life by hard work 194 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,098 and being six‐foot‐four. 195 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,934 Please welcome Grayson Mathers. 196 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,203 (cheering) 197 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,773 Your principal brought me here to tell you 198 00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,575 that school is important. 199 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,210 But I got to keep it real. 200 00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:59,379 This is the first time I've ever been in a school, 201 00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:02,783 and I own three identical Ferraris! 202 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,618 That's wassup! 203 00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,687 (cheering) 204 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:09,356 I have a question. 205 00:08:09,423 --> 00:08:10,624 You suck! 206 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,961 You're garbage outside the pocket! 207 00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:16,196 Your average depth of target is a joke. 208 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,731 (chanting): Bust! Bust! Bust! 209 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,501 The children are destroying him with their hot takes! 210 00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,636 Bust! Bust! Bust! 211 00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:24,004 Shut up, you stupid kids! 212 00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:26,173 I'm a man! A football man! 213 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,008 All I throw is dimes! 214 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,243 Here's a dime for you! 215 00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,144 ‐A dime for you! ‐(kids exclaiming) 216 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,479 Nothin' but dimes! 217 00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:33,647 Boom! Dime! 218 00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:35,883 Boom! Dime! 219 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,417 ‐Oh! ‐(hissing) 220 00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:40,754 The Madagascar hissing cockroaches are loose! 221 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,656 (kids screaming) 222 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:45,425 ♪ ♪ 223 00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:46,827 (groans) 224 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,662 All I drink is brandy! 225 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:52,332 My urethra is on fire! 226 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,101 (groans) 227 00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,437 I heard what you said about your urethra. 228 00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,173 Are you feeling okay? 229 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,874 I'm fine. Beat it, media. 230 00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,209 You listen here, young man. 231 00:09:02,276 --> 00:09:04,344 Just because you're embarrassed by your own behavior 232 00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,313 is no reason to lash out at me. 233 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:09,049 I'm the one person in town who feels sorry for you, 234 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,817 and even I've about had it. 235 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,686 Now apologize. 236 00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:13,820 I'm sorry. 237 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,689 Um... ma'am. 238 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,325 Good. Now, tell me what's wrong. 239 00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:19,560 I mean, it doesn't make sense. 240 00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,695 I can't stop partying. I barely sleep. 241 00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:23,730 I called Peyton Manning a chicken‐fried Frankenstein 242 00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:24,765 on Twitter. 243 00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:26,667 I‐I'm doing me more than ever. 244 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,402 So why don't I play good? 245 00:09:28,502 --> 00:09:29,436 Oh, sweetie. 246 00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:32,606 It sounds like you just need to slow down. 247 00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,141 (sighs) 248 00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:36,910 I actually have six identical Ferraris. 249 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:39,646 I want to own all the blue ones. 250 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,582 (crying) 251 00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:43,984 I know what's wrong with you. 252 00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:45,986 Not enough Ferraris. 253 00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:48,722 What this boy needs is a home‐cooked meal 254 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,724 and a good night's sleep. 255 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,025 At my house. 256 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,862 A partnership betwixt a man and a woman 257 00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:57,331 to provide for the care of a young person. 258 00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,499 You supply the nurturing home life, 259 00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,401 and I'll be the emotionally‐withholding 260 00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,570 yet somehow worshipped father figure. 261 00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,639 It's a deal. 262 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,641 You're coming home with me. 263 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:08,775 I really want to, 264 00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:09,943 but I'm kind of supposed to get into it 265 00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:12,513 with some hockey players outside a strip club later. 266 00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:15,449 I'll call them and tell them you're sick. 267 00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:20,020 Yo. Two parents and some kids? 268 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:22,322 This is a straight‐up family. 269 00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:23,524 For real. 270 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,492 I guess we are. 271 00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:28,929 So, Grayson, you just graduated from college, right? 272 00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,664 What did you major in? 273 00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:32,032 Oh, they never told me. 274 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,902 (sighs) That means communications. 275 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:37,538 You see, I grew up on the Florida‐Texas border, 276 00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,373 where football is king. 277 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:42,209 One day, I saw this other baby crawling a post pattern, 278 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,877 and I hit him with my pacifier. 279 00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:46,246 Perfect spiral. 20 yards. 280 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,549 My folks did what any loving parents would do‐‐ 281 00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:50,817 they packed me off to football academy. 282 00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:52,319 I'm real grateful. 283 00:10:52,386 --> 00:10:54,655 If you keep a kid at home till he's two, 284 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,490 it can screw up his development. 285 00:10:57,291 --> 00:10:58,992 Growing up in an all‐football environment 286 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:02,329 helped me avoid the distractions that come with being a kid‐‐ 287 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,965 friends, laughing, that junk. 288 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:08,001 For college, Alabama Tech was an easy choice. 289 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,970 Coach is an amazing recruiter. 290 00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,905 You really feel his passion. 291 00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:15,042 Wait, so you never see your parents? 292 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:16,910 Oh, I see them all the time! 293 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:17,911 I see them at games, 294 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,446 in documentaries about me, 295 00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:20,747 in the Campbell's Soup commercial 296 00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,950 my mom did without my knowledge. 297 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,451 Oh, Grayson, 298 00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:26,453 growing up with nothing but football 299 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,188 can't have been healthy. 300 00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:30,424 (chuckles) No, no, I'm good. 301 00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,226 Gimme that back! 302 00:11:32,326 --> 00:11:33,961 Starters eat before scrubs! 303 00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:35,829 Everybody knows that! 304 00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,632 (grunting) 305 00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:39,600 (yells) 306 00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:41,301 (panting) 307 00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:45,939 You know, I'm beginning to see the appeal of football. 308 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,908 (chuckles) Hit him again! 309 00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:49,610 Kids, behave! 310 00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:54,681 In a family, we do not steal food. 311 00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:55,983 ‐But... ‐No buts. 312 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,618 Just because there aren't coaches and minders 313 00:11:57,684 --> 00:12:01,188 watching your every move doesn't mean you can act selfishly. 314 00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:04,391 In a family, you don't do you. 315 00:12:04,458 --> 00:12:05,492 You do... 316 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:06,527 others? 317 00:12:06,627 --> 00:12:07,995 And don't you forget it. 318 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:10,397 Now, boys, clear the table. 319 00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:13,500 Bust. Bust. Bust. 320 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:16,503 You sure the rookie doesn't mind sharing? 321 00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:18,639 Maggie loves company. 322 00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:20,340 Um, Mrs. Marge, 323 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,975 do‐do you think it'd be all right 324 00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,644 if I stayed here for a while? 325 00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:26,547 I've never been around a real family before. 326 00:12:26,647 --> 00:12:28,782 Of course you can. 327 00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,284 You sure? I'm a lot of work. 328 00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,719 I need 9,000 calories a day or I'll die. 329 00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:35,489 So does my husband, silly. 330 00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:46,300 ♪ ♪ 331 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,489 Wow! 332 00:13:09,590 --> 00:13:11,892 I've never seen such a tiny megachurch. 333 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,828 It's a normal‐sized regular church, Grayson. 334 00:13:15,596 --> 00:13:18,966 Hey, here's a little fuel for your private jet, Reverend. 335 00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:23,637 When did the faces on the paper money get so big? 336 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:26,907 ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪ 337 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,075 (chuckles) Wow. 338 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:29,877 My first birthday party. 339 00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,945 I made you a card. 340 00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:35,048 HOMER: We're all playing catch. 341 00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:36,617 You've all given me so much. 342 00:13:36,717 --> 00:13:38,018 I have a family now. 343 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:40,454 A family that's shown me I don't have to be selfish 344 00:13:40,521 --> 00:13:41,488 to be a success. 345 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:42,356 Huddle up, team. 346 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,124 Feelings on three! One, two, three! 347 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:45,192 ALL: Feelings! 348 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,060 (singsongy): Who wants presents? 349 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,562 ‐I do! I do! ‐GRAYSON: Ooh, ooh, I do! 350 00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:49,796 ‐I do! I do! ‐Merch! 351 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,798 (chuckles) Try this on, big fella. 352 00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,667 (slurping) 353 00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:55,502 Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns! 354 00:13:55,569 --> 00:13:57,070 I'm so glad you came! 355 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:59,239 Now it's a party, huh, guys? 356 00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:00,941 Oh, I would never miss the birthday 357 00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:02,943 of football's brashest bad boy. 358 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:04,244 Now let's head out. 359 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:07,181 You and I are having a night on the town. 360 00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:10,017 It's time to party with Brandyman! 361 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:13,353 Or Do‐You‐Man? I'm... Can we decide on a catchphrase? 362 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,455 Catchphrase TBD! 363 00:14:15,489 --> 00:14:16,723 Are you nuts? 364 00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:18,258 You do realize that Grayson has 365 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:21,228 a career‐defining football game tomorrow. 366 00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:24,431 He's gonna go to bed early after a nice hot bath. 367 00:14:24,565 --> 00:14:27,801 You can try out the Silly Soap I bought. Huh? 368 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,002 All right! 369 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,804 This man plays a game for a living 370 00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:33,173 and you infantilize him? 371 00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:37,444 Fine, but your mollycoddling will have dire consequences. 372 00:14:37,511 --> 00:14:39,446 Mark my words. 373 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:43,250 ‐ANNOUNCER: Mathers with his fourth touchdown of the day! ‐(cheering) 374 00:14:43,317 --> 00:14:45,485 And in a never‐before‐seen move, 375 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,055 the opposing defense is resigning en masse 376 00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,724 to try their luck in the Canadian Football League. 377 00:14:50,791 --> 00:14:52,192 Good luck, fellas. 378 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:56,063 There he is! The man I never thought was a bust for a second! 379 00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:58,065 A 53‐point win. 380 00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,367 Bet you can't wait to say something really arrogant. 381 00:15:00,434 --> 00:15:02,369 Just lucky to have great teammates, 382 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:03,704 what a game plan, 383 00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:06,340 keep my head down and work. 384 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,611 But also the greats who paved the way in this league. 385 00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:13,881 Where's my bad boy? 386 00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,149 Come on, son. Be a sore winner. 387 00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:17,885 Make Daddy proud. 388 00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:20,120 Maybe you could call the other team soft? 389 00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:22,556 I mean, it's just us reporters here. No one will know. 390 00:15:22,656 --> 00:15:25,025 No, sir. I'm just trying to be the kind of guy 391 00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,060 who makes a mother proud. 392 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:28,829 Are you saying... 393 00:15:28,896 --> 00:15:30,430 you're a mama's boy? 394 00:15:30,531 --> 00:15:33,400 I'm the biggest mama's boy on the planet! 395 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,904 Mmm. Tastes good. 396 00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:39,573 Marge Simpson, what have you done? 397 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,148 You've ruined our beautiful, arrogant boy! 398 00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,884 Ruined? He's happy now. 399 00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:52,719 What's wrong, guys? Why are you fighting? 400 00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,722 Oh, this woman's got you as twisted as a Cossack's mustache. 401 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:59,293 What happened to the bad boy I raised up from recent adulthood? 402 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,228 Don't listen to him, Grayson. 403 00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:04,998 I'm so sorry I ruined your spokesperson. 404 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:06,867 He's not just my spokesperson. 405 00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:08,268 He's my spokes‐son. 406 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:10,370 And you stole him from me. 407 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,106 You're so merged with your own selfishness, 408 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:16,577 you don't even identify it as selfishness anymore. 409 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,744 You're a monster! 410 00:16:17,878 --> 00:16:19,313 And you're winning! 411 00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:20,714 (grunts) 412 00:16:20,848 --> 00:16:22,950 You've got to choose, my boy. 413 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:24,618 Me or her. 414 00:16:24,685 --> 00:16:27,821 Can't you see you're tearing me apart?! (sobs) 415 00:16:27,888 --> 00:16:30,057 I need to grind tape of blitz protections 416 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:32,693 against an eight‐man box! 417 00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:35,696 (crying) 418 00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:51,044 (sighs) I haven't heard from Grayson in days. 419 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:54,548 Neither has the NFL Network, ESPN or Adam Schefter. 420 00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,350 The football world hangs in the balance, 421 00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,185 waiting for this rookie phenom quarterback 422 00:16:58,252 --> 00:17:00,487 to choose between his surrogate parents. 423 00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:04,558 My sources tell me that Mathers hasn't gone back to Mr. Burns 424 00:17:04,625 --> 00:17:07,194 and that Marge has just this second finished folding 425 00:17:07,261 --> 00:17:09,930 the sheets Grayson may never sleep on again. 426 00:17:09,997 --> 00:17:11,765 What sources? 427 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,804 What if I never see my special big football boy again? 428 00:17:17,838 --> 00:17:21,742 Mom, a fancy invitation came for you. 429 00:17:21,842 --> 00:17:23,443 (gasps) Grayson sent me a ticket 430 00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:26,713 for the Sports Channel's annual awards show. 431 00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:28,849 You're going to the Sportswardsies? 432 00:17:28,949 --> 00:17:31,051 That's the one night when pro athletes 433 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:33,287 finally get to thank their agents. 434 00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:35,989 And Grayson picked me as his plus‐one, 435 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,624 not Mr. Burns. 436 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:38,892 You won! 437 00:17:38,992 --> 00:17:40,894 Motherhood won! 438 00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:42,930 Yippee! 439 00:17:43,030 --> 00:17:44,264 ‐(wheezes) ‐(gasps) 440 00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,333 LISA (wheezing): All good, all good. 441 00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,036 ♪ ♪ 442 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:54,708 ‐You! ‐You! 443 00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:58,011 Wait, I'm supposed to be sitting next to Grayson. 444 00:17:58,111 --> 00:18:01,014 So am I. (scoffs) I know what's happening here. 445 00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:03,317 Obviously, our boy sat us together thinking 446 00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:05,853 we would reach some sort of rapprochement. 447 00:18:05,953 --> 00:18:07,921 He Parent Trapped us! 448 00:18:07,988 --> 00:18:09,122 Too bad for him‐‐ 449 00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:11,358 we're never gonna see eye to eye. 450 00:18:11,425 --> 00:18:12,459 Amen, sister. 451 00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:16,096 A toast to never‐ending animosity. 452 00:18:16,897 --> 00:18:18,565 I'll drink to that. 453 00:18:18,632 --> 00:18:20,400 Enemies forever. 454 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,336 Mm. Ah. 455 00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,872 The Sportswardsies are starting. 456 00:18:24,972 --> 00:18:27,007 Kids, have you filled out your betting sheets? 457 00:18:27,074 --> 00:18:29,309 Look at these categories. 458 00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:30,511 Worst Contract? 459 00:18:30,611 --> 00:18:31,745 Best World Series? 460 00:18:31,845 --> 00:18:33,747 The Donald Sterling Appalling Owner 461 00:18:33,847 --> 00:18:35,916 Lifetime Achievement Award? 462 00:18:35,983 --> 00:18:38,118 James Dolan, James Dolan, James Dolan. 463 00:18:38,252 --> 00:18:41,221 For me, it's all about Best Stretcher Ride Thumbs‐Up. 464 00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:43,590 Most of all, I'd like to thank Gordo, 465 00:18:43,657 --> 00:18:46,193 who I pay six figures to carry my trophies. 466 00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:48,729 Gordo, this is for you, buddy. 467 00:18:49,663 --> 00:18:52,299 ANNOUNCER: When we come back, the Sportswardsy 468 00:18:52,366 --> 00:18:54,501 for Most Inspiring Athlete. 469 00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:57,004 MARGE: Oh, he's looking at the wrong camera. 470 00:18:57,070 --> 00:18:59,206 He's such a cutie. 471 00:18:59,273 --> 00:19:02,609 How could two people like us, with all our flaws, 472 00:19:02,743 --> 00:19:04,745 make this perfect creature? 473 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,547 (sighs) I'm a terrible father. 474 00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:09,816 I should have raised him to be a man, not a brand. 475 00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:12,953 Ah. Let's promise we'll do better, Monty. 476 00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:14,421 Together. 477 00:19:14,488 --> 00:19:18,358 The winner for Most Inspiring Athlete is... 478 00:19:18,492 --> 00:19:19,793 Grayson Mathers. 479 00:19:19,860 --> 00:19:21,261 ‐♪ ♪ ‐(cheering, applause) 480 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:24,965 You all know I've had some personal struggles lately. 481 00:19:25,032 --> 00:19:28,235 I was losing the football game of emotions. 482 00:19:28,302 --> 00:19:31,004 But there's one person who got me through it. 483 00:19:31,071 --> 00:19:32,506 He's talking about you. 484 00:19:32,573 --> 00:19:33,841 You're the nurturer. 485 00:19:33,974 --> 00:19:35,976 But you're his inspiration. 486 00:19:36,043 --> 00:19:37,744 It's got to be you. 487 00:19:38,712 --> 00:19:39,713 (groans) 488 00:19:39,847 --> 00:19:40,981 And that person is... 489 00:19:41,048 --> 00:19:44,685 ‐my fiancée Kaitlyn! ‐(all gasp) 490 00:19:44,785 --> 00:19:47,321 The three days I've known her have seemed like a lifetime. 491 00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:50,023 An Instagram model, a YouTube reactor 492 00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:52,092 and the creator of Yoga Yogurt, 493 00:19:52,159 --> 00:19:54,461 the faith‐based yogurt you eat while yoga‐ing. 494 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:57,331 Kaitlyn is so much more than a business manager to me. 495 00:19:57,431 --> 00:20:00,033 Though she's that, too! As of this morning! 496 00:20:00,133 --> 00:20:02,870 Hope you can handle total financial control, baby! 497 00:20:02,970 --> 00:20:04,171 Good news, babe! 498 00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:05,772 You're fighting Floyd Mayweather 499 00:20:05,839 --> 00:20:07,841 on a Valentine's Day pay‐per‐view! 500 00:20:07,908 --> 00:20:09,209 (whoops) 501 00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:11,011 She's getting me out of the brandy business, 502 00:20:11,078 --> 00:20:13,080 into something more wholesome, y'all: 503 00:20:13,146 --> 00:20:16,416 our new line of all‐ages hard seltzers. 504 00:20:16,450 --> 00:20:18,252 @Katilicious _97, 505 00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:20,020 I can't wait to marry you. 506 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:21,522 Tell me there's a prenup. 507 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:22,556 No prenup! 508 00:20:22,623 --> 00:20:24,191 That's how I roll! 509 00:20:24,258 --> 00:20:26,326 Who wants some seltzers? 510 00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:27,327 Dime for you! 511 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,997 And just like that, we've been replaced. 512 00:20:30,097 --> 00:20:32,833 One day, they're these sweet, innocent creatures 513 00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:34,935 who are totally reliant on you. 514 00:20:35,002 --> 00:20:37,437 Then, suddenly, it's two weeks later 515 00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:39,606 and they're gone. 516 00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:54,254 ANNOUNCER: When we return, find out who takes home the Sportswardsy 517 00:20:54,288 --> 00:20:55,923 for Best Press Conference Meltdown 518 00:20:55,989 --> 00:20:57,157 and Most Valuable MVP. 519 00:20:57,224 --> 00:20:59,193 Plus, Cirque du Soleil will reimagine 520 00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:01,228 this year's Most Flagrant Fouls. 521 00:21:01,295 --> 00:21:03,497 Later, it's Least Racist Team Name 522 00:21:03,564 --> 00:21:05,632 and Coldest Bud Light, 523 00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:06,834 brought to you by Bud Light. 524 00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:09,102 And don't miss Kenny Chesney and his musical tribute 525 00:21:09,169 --> 00:21:12,472 to the 100 all‐time worst‐run vanity charities. 526 00:21:12,573 --> 00:21:15,108 Then, find out which baseball player will take home 527 00:21:15,175 --> 00:21:17,044 Highest Batting Average. 528 00:21:17,144 --> 00:21:19,112 And five living legends battle it out 529 00:21:19,213 --> 00:21:21,415 for the Most Tone‐Deaf Hall of Fame Speech. 530 00:21:21,515 --> 00:21:22,516 And lots more. 531 00:21:22,583 --> 00:21:26,119 All that when the Sportswardsies continue. 532 00:21:26,186 --> 00:21:29,122 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 533 00:21:29,189 --> 00:21:32,125 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 534 00:21:32,192 --> 00:21:34,928 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 535 00:21:34,995 --> 00:21:38,398 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 536 00:22:06,393 --> 00:22:08,529 Shh!