♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
MAN: Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth"
is a registered Disneyland copyright.
Well, gentlemen,
it's just a small school carnival.
And it's heading for a great big lawsuit.
You made a big mistake, Skinner.
Well, so did you.
You got an ex-Green Beret mad.
(gasps)
(grunting)
(groaning)
(gasps)
(grunts)
Copyright expired.
And begin.
This sucks.
(yells)
(laughs)
Pick the red, get ahead.
Pick the black, sets you back.
Hmm, I don't recall authorizing this booth.
Good-bye, gentlemen.
(gasping)
(coughing)
Get your haggis right here.
Chopped heart and lungs,
boiled in a real sheep's stomach.
Tastes as good as it sounds.
Good for what ails you.
Hag--
(groans)
I'd say 53 years old and 420 pounds.
Ha, ha! You lose.
36 and 239.
Oh.
♪♪ (loud rock music)
Hey, Otto, man
I dare you to make this go faster.
Ooh, challenge accepted.
(screaming)
I'll be in Mexico till this thing blows over.
(yelling)
Oh, boy! A spookhouse.
Hand over all your money.
(grunting)
Was it scary?
(painfully) Uh-huh.
Ooh-hoo, baby!
BART: Uh-oh.
So, girlie, you like roller-skating?
-No. -Yeah,
everybody loves roller-skating.
Okay. You can turn around now.
(gasps)
(people laughing)
Oh, my God. I'm ugly.
Now in a moment, we'll be raffling off
our grand prize...
a ride on the famous Duff Beer blimp.
A ride on the Duff blimp.
You see the circular pattern on those fields?
That's from central pivot irrigation.
Wow.
Now, let's see what's happening
at the Super Bowl.
CROWD (chanting): Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!
MAN: Oops! Sorry.
(chanting continues)
Homer. Homer. Homer.
But first, our second-prize winner,
and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer...
Ned Flanders!
(gasps)
Oh, it's no fair.
We'll never have a buffer.
We have one at home. You never use it.
Well, I want that one.
And the winner of the blimp ride is...
Homer Simpson!
Oh, my God!
(whimpers)
♪ Hey, there, blimpy boy ♪
♪ Flying through the sky so fancy-free ♪
(crying)
Honey, what's wrong?
Dad, do you think I'm ugly?
What are you talking about?
(laughs)
Oh, Lisa, this isn't real.
It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character.
I'm an ugmo!
Now, that's not true.
You're cute as a bug's ear.
Fathers have to say that stuff.
Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
No! You're homely as a mule's butt!
There, see?
I'd like to be alone, please.
(sobbing)
Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?
Hmm, no.
How about you, Barney?
Not for a second.
(belches)
Yeah... I need help.
BOTH: Whee! Whee!
Whee! Whee!
Whee-e-e!
I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest.
Well, now there's a way to prove it.
Wow, president of Laramie Cigarettes
Jack Larson.
This year Laramie is sponsoring
the Little Miss Springfield pageant.
You see, government regulations
prohibit us from advertising on TV...
Ahh...
that sweet Carolina smoke.
But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant
for little girls age seven to nine.
Lisa's age seven to nine.
Your daughter could be crowned
Little Miss Springfield
by our host, the maitre 'd of glee
Krusty the Clown.
I heartily endorse this event or product.
What a feeling!
I'm as happy as a smoker
taking that first puff in the morning.
That could be Lisa.
The Little Miss Springfield pageant--
only $250 to enter.
Oh...
Hey, Barney.
Will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket?
Sure.
(gasps) Where did you get all the money?
From some scientist.
Since they stopped testing on animals,
a guy like me can really clean up.
(gulping)
I'm hideous.
Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up.
♪ There once was an ugly duckling ♪
So you think I'm ugly?
No, no!
I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks...
that makes fun of the ugly one.
(groans)
Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be?
To shut myself off from the world
and never be seen by human eyes again.
Uh, was your second wish to be entered in
the Little Miss Springfield pageant?
What are you talking about?
I sent in an application for you.
I couldn't find a big enough photo,
so I sent in that funny drawing of you on roller skates.
How could you?! I won't do it!
(sobbing)
Homer, Lisa's already sensitive about her looks.
This is the last thing she needs.
But I think she'll win.
Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests?
Hubba, hubba!
(panting)
(howls)
Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.
Hmm. You're looking at her through a father's eyes.
Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes
and shove them into my sockets,
I would, but to me she's beautiful.
That is so sweet.
Honey, no one's going to force you to do anything,
but do you know how your father
got the money to enter you in this pageant?
Nope.
He sold his ride on the Duff blimp.
But that ride meant everything to him.
♪ Hey, there, blimpy boy ♪
♪ Flying through the sky so fancy-free ♪
I'll do it.
Did you see Tina Epstein?
Whoa. If you're gonna binge, you'd better purge.
Uh-oh.
Amber Dempsey.
In the same week, she was Pork Princess
and Little Miss Kosher.
She's beautiful.
Wait, she's about to bring out the big guns.
Eyelash implants.
I thought those were illegal.
Not in Paraguay.
There's no way I can beat this girl.
She's the Jack Nicklaus of the pageant circuit.
Oh, I don't know that she's as attractive
as Jack Nicklaus.
(humming)
I meant because they both win all the time, Mom.
Oh. Well, yes. That's what I meant, too.
Well, tell you what.
This afternoon, I'll take you to the beauty parlor
and show you just how lovely you can be.
And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade--
taping your swimsuit to your butt,
petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile,
and the ancient art of padding.
(purring)
Are we done?
We are just warming up.
Oh. Isn't this dangerous?
Don't worry.
I am well protected.
Boy, when Lisa comes in I want you to
make a big fuss over how she looks.
She'll see through me like grandma's underpants.
No, she won't.
When it comes to compliments,
women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters,
always wanting more, more, more!
And if you give it to them,
you'll get plenty back in return.
Like what?
I'll tell you when you're older.
(laughs)
(door closes)
Is that Lisa?
Ooh, I got to call heaven.
There's an angel missing.
And who's your little school friend?
Wait a minute-- that's Mom!
Oh, my goodness.
Aren't they nice! Thank you.
I know two fellows
who are going to get a special dinner tonight.
-Hey, hey! -Woo-hoo!
Dad, you know anything else about women?
Nope, that's it.
Hey, brush head.
You've been nursing that thing for an hour.
You know, I was just wondering
how someone who works in an ice cream store
keeps such a trim figure.
I've misjudged you.
♪♪ (piano)
I said, "Step, pause,
turn, pause, pivot, step, step."
not, "Step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, pause."
Oh, shudder.
And the winner is... Lisa Simpson!
(gasps)
Okay, wipe away a tear...
hug the loser...
and now, for your triumphant walk
down the runway.
(shoes squeaking)
Whoa.
(yelling)
It's hopeless.
There's nothing to it.
Give me those heels.
Heel, toe. Heel, toe. Heel, toe.
Do you really think I can win?
Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.
But those other girls are prettier than me.
Lis, as your brother,
this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say.
You're not ugly.
Oh, Bart!
♪♪
♪ Out on our own ♪
♪ Making it work ♪
♪ Gasping for air ♪
♪ Having it all ♪
My name is Amber Dempsey.
When I grow up, I want to be a sweetie pie.
(applause)
I am Pahusacheta Nahasapeemapetilon
and tonight I will be playing "MacArthur Park"
on the tabla.
(laughing)
No, I am serious.
Yes, judges, there's your queen.
Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart?
(both gasp)
(groaning)
(laughing)
My name is Lisa Simpson,
and I want to be Little Miss Springfield
so I can make our town a better place.
Yeah, clean up this stink hole!
(panting)
Krusty. About time you got here.
Yeah, yeah, what is this?
The Republican fundraiser?
♪ Check it out ♪
♪ Hey, look at us ♪
♪ Making a wish ♪
♪ Dreaming a dream ♪
♪ Little Miss Springfield ♪
♪ Which one will it be? ♪
GIRLS: Me!
Oh, that brisket's not sitting right.
♪ And I'll never have that recipe again ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
(scattered applause)
Oh, that just kept going, huh?
And now, here's... Lisa Simpson!
They'll love you just as much as I do.
Thanks, Dad.
Mmm!
Some people say that to love your country
is old-fashioned, uncool, real Melvin.
Well, to them I say--
♪ Oh, beautiful ♪
♪ For spacious skies ♪
♪ For Amber waves of grain ♪
One, two, three, four!
♪ Left a good job in the city ♪
♪ Working for the man every night and day ♪
(cheering)
This is my favorite part of the pageant because...
What does that say?
Oh. It gives me a chance
to visit with the girls personality...
uh, personally.
Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights
is a good thing or a bad thing?
Um...
Take your time, dear.
Good thing.
ALL: Aw...
And now it's time to name our runner-up,
who, if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties...
blah, blah, blah.
And don't say it will never happen,
because we all remember that thing with what's her name.
Click, click. You know.
Okay, the runner-up is...
(drum roll)
Hmm.
Lisa Simpson!
Which means Amber Dempsey
is the new Little Miss Springfield!
(applause)
♪♪
♪ "L," the losers in her wake ♪
♪ "I," the income she will make ♪
♪ "T" is for her tooth filled mouth ♪
♪ "T," is for her tooth filled mouth ♪
MAN (on TV): Coming up next:
A new fad that's sweeping the nation--
wasting food.
But first, let's join the new
Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey
as she helps open the Danish superchain, Shop.
Scott, everyone is here,
from the mayor's illegitimate son
to our own Duff blimp.
Hi. Can I drive?
Well, I can't see the harm.
(Barney yelling)
Oh, the humanity!
Anyway, to turn on the store's
severe tire damage spikes,
here's Little Miss Springfield.
Oh dear, it would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet.
I'd say the greater danger
is her scepter acting as a lightning rod...
unless it's made out of plastic.
(thunder booming)
Nope. Metal.
Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield
has been struck by lightning.
Doctor, what is Amber's condition?
Oh, she'll be fine.
In fact, she's already won
the Little Miss Intensive Care pageant.
Congratulations, Lisa.
You're the new Little Miss Springfield.
Here's your scepter.
Whoop! (laughs)
Just kidding. Here you go.
Whoop! (laughs)
Just kidding.
(thunder booming)
I deserved that.
That doesn't look like her body.
The torso used to be Dr. Ruth.
Her head is on a pike in the chamber of horrors.
(boys whistling)
Hi, fellas.
Love that chewing gum walk.
Very Wrigley.
As Little Miss Springfield, it's my pleasure
to welcome you to America, the land of opportunity.
Actually, they're being deported.
♪♪ (mournful tune)
EMCEE: And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome
to Mr. Bob Hope.
What's the mayor's name?
-Quimby. -Beautiful.
Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing
in Springfield?" Hope.
Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby?
He's some golfer.
His golf ball spends more time underwater
than Greg Louganis.
And now, I want to show you
what you're fighting for-- if there was a war on--
Little Miss Springfield.
Isn't she beautiful?
Little Miss Springfield?
First Tony Randall cancels, now this.
SOLDIER: Hey, what gives here?
(helicopter whirring)
MAN: We want Miss Springfield.
Hey, set me down at that boat show.
I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes?
Mm-hmm. We think
you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramie's.
It's part of our new campaign.
Mmm... classy.
(gasping)
You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie.
A lot of people who smoke our product have been...
well, dying.
And we need young smokers to take their place.
I don't want to be a spokesperson for a cigarette company.
But you're a role model to young people
and we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose.
(hacking cough)
(hocks and spits)
♪♪ (march)
Bless you, boys.
Homer, those are ice cream men.
I know.
(crowd exclaiming and applauding)
(gasping)
Stop this float!
(grunting)
What's the holdup? Go!
I'm tired of being a corporate shill.
(grunting)
From now on, I will speak out
against the evils in society
from dognapping
to cigarettes.
LISA: Before I sing the national anthem
I'd like to say that college football diverts funds
badly needed for education and the arts.
(crowd murmuring)
Is that true?
Let's get 'em!
(angry whining)
Let's get out of here!
Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out
and Amber Dempsey back in,
but this glorified crossing guard of a police chief
won't get off his big fat can.
Is it okay if I open these potato chips?
(sneers)
Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered.
Take a look at our Little Miss Springfield's
pageant application.
Roxie, bring in a bottle of champagne.
And some dip for these chips... or something.
Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield.
She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today.
Well, that's obviously the wrong footage.
Uh... but it does seem the father
of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson,
filled out the pageant application incorrectly.
In the area under "Do not write in this space,"
he wrote, "Okay."
If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen.
-You must hate me. -Dad, do you remember
why you entered me in that pageant?
I don't know. Was I drunk?
Possibly, but the point is
you wanted me to feel better about myself,
and I do.
-Really? -Uh-huh.
Will you remember this
the next time I wreck your life?
It's a deal.
And now, my exclusive interview
with his holiness, Pope John Paul II.
That's it.
I cannot work under these conditions.
If anybody wants me,
I'll be downstairs at MacDougal's.
Call the weekend guy. I don't care.
(door slamming)
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.