1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:14,973 (chalk screeches) 3 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,394 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,525 (work whistle blows) 5 00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:30,905 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 6 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:43,376 (jazzy solo) 7 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,464 (tires screech) 8 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,180 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:58,641 --> 00:00:59,893 (horn honks) 10 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,270 (tires screech) 11 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482 D'oh! 12 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,734 -Aah! -(tires screech) 13 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:27,420 MAN: Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth" 14 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,380 {\an8}is a registered Disneyland copyright. 15 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:30,757 {\an8}Well, gentlemen, 16 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:32,801 {\an8}it's just a small school carnival. 17 00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:35,303 {\an8}And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. 18 00:01:35,386 --> 00:01:37,514 {\an8}You made a big mistake, Skinner. 19 00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:39,516 {\an8}Well, so did you. 20 00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:41,851 {\an8}You got an ex-Green Beret mad. 21 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:42,977 {\an8}(gasps) 22 00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,230 {\an8}(grunting) 23 00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:46,648 {\an8}(groaning) 24 00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:47,607 {\an8}(gasps) 25 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:52,779 {\an8}(grunts) 26 00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:55,281 {\an8}Copyright expired. 27 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:56,741 {\an8}And begin. 28 00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,829 {\an8}This sucks. 29 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,372 {\an8}(yells) 30 00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:03,498 {\an8}(laughs) 31 00:02:03,581 --> 00:02:04,874 {\an8}Pick the red, get ahead. 32 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,085 {\an8}Pick the black, sets you back. 33 00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:09,045 {\an8}Hmm, I don't recall authorizing this booth. 34 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,214 {\an8}Good-bye, gentlemen. 35 00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:12,423 {\an8}(gasping) 36 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:13,758 {\an8}(coughing) 37 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:15,802 {\an8}Get your haggis right here. 38 00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:17,554 {\an8}Chopped heart and lungs, 39 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,722 {\an8}boiled in a real sheep's stomach. 40 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,016 {\an8}Tastes as good as it sounds. 41 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,768 {\an8}Good for what ails you. 42 00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:26,771 {\an8}Hag-- 43 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:27,730 {\an8}(groans) 44 00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:34,404 I'd say 53 years old and 420 pounds. 45 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,364 Ha, ha! You lose. 46 00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:38,575 36 and 239. 47 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,034 Oh. 48 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,453 ♪♪ (loud rock music) 49 00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:43,788 Hey, Otto, man 50 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,748 I dare you to make this go faster. 51 00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:48,877 Ooh, challenge accepted. 52 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,837 (screaming) 53 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:58,178 I'll be in Mexico till this thing blows over. 54 00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,888 (yelling) 55 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:04,809 Oh, boy! A spookhouse. 56 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:10,148 Hand over all your money. 57 00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:11,941 (grunting) 58 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,276 Was it scary? 59 00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:14,652 (painfully) Uh-huh. 60 00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:15,612 Ooh-hoo, baby! 61 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,866 BART: Uh-oh. 62 00:03:24,412 --> 00:03:26,664 So, girlie, you like roller-skating? 63 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:28,041 -No. -Yeah, 64 00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:30,084 everybody loves roller-skating. 65 00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:32,003 Okay. You can turn around now. 66 00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:33,129 (gasps) 67 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,006 (people laughing) 68 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:41,512 Oh, my God. I'm ugly. 69 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:43,890 Now in a moment, we'll be raffling off 70 00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,975 our grand prize... 71 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,895 a ride on the famous Duff Beer blimp. 72 00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:51,147 A ride on the Duff blimp. 73 00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:55,235 You see the circular pattern on those fields? 74 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:56,945 That's from central pivot irrigation. 75 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,238 Wow. 76 00:03:58,321 --> 00:03:59,280 Now, let's see what's happening 77 00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:00,281 at the Super Bowl. 78 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:05,787 CROWD (chanting): Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! 79 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,413 MAN: Oops! Sorry. 80 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:08,957 {\an8}(chanting continues) 81 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:13,753 Homer. Homer. Homer. 82 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:16,005 But first, our second-prize winner, 83 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:20,051 and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer... 84 00:04:20,134 --> 00:04:21,678 Ned Flanders! 85 00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,596 (gasps) 86 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,182 Oh, it's no fair. 87 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,433 We'll never have a buffer. 88 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,227 We have one at home. You never use it. 89 00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:30,979 Well, I want that one. 90 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:34,065 And the winner of the blimp ride is... 91 00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:36,025 Homer Simpson! 92 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,902 Oh, my God! 93 00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,990 (whimpers) 94 00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:46,577 ♪ Hey, there, blimpy boy ♪ 95 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:49,455 ♪ Flying through the sky so fancy-free ♪ 96 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:50,748 (crying) 97 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:55,086 Honey, what's wrong? 98 00:04:55,169 --> 00:04:57,714 Dad, do you think I'm ugly? 99 00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,716 What are you talking about? 100 00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:03,136 (laughs) 101 00:05:03,219 --> 00:05:05,471 Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. 102 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:09,183 It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character. 103 00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,518 I'm an ugmo! 104 00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:11,519 Now, that's not true. 105 00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:13,021 You're cute as a bug's ear. 106 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,897 {\an8}Fathers have to say that stuff. 107 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,566 Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? 108 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,860 No! You're homely as a mule's butt! 109 00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,778 There, see? 110 00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,822 I'd like to be alone, please. 111 00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:24,324 (sobbing) 112 00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:33,499 Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? 113 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:34,584 Hmm, no. 114 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:35,752 How about you, Barney? 115 00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:36,878 Not for a second. 116 00:05:36,961 --> 00:05:38,171 (belches) 117 00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:40,131 Yeah... I need help. 118 00:05:40,214 --> 00:05:43,009 BOTH: Whee! Whee! 119 00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:46,137 Whee! Whee! 120 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:48,348 Whee-e-e! 121 00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:51,893 I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest. 122 00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:53,895 Well, now there's a way to prove it. 123 00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:55,855 Wow, president of Laramie Cigarettes 124 00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:57,273 Jack Larson. 125 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,192 This year Laramie is sponsoring 126 00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:00,693 the Little Miss Springfield pageant. 127 00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,320 You see, government regulations 128 00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:05,615 prohibit us from advertising on TV... 129 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,200 Ahh... 130 00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:09,535 that sweet Carolina smoke. 131 00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,496 But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant 132 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:14,374 for little girls age seven to nine. 133 00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:15,958 Lisa's age seven to nine. 134 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,627 Your daughter could be crowned 135 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,420 Little Miss Springfield 136 00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,089 by our host, the maitre 'd of glee 137 00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:22,507 Krusty the Clown. 138 00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:26,177 I heartily endorse this event or product. 139 00:06:26,260 --> 00:06:27,762 What a feeling! 140 00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:29,722 I'm as happy as a smoker 141 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,766 taking that first puff in the morning. 142 00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:33,309 That could be Lisa. 143 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,186 The Little Miss Springfield pageant-- 144 00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:37,980 only $250 to enter. 145 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:39,941 Oh... 146 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:46,697 Hey, Barney. 147 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,992 Will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? 148 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,328 Sure. 149 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,914 (gasps) Where did you get all the money? 150 00:06:54,997 --> 00:06:56,749 From some scientist. 151 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,043 Since they stopped testing on animals, 152 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:02,338 a guy like me can really clean up. 153 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,006 (gulping) 154 00:07:07,051 --> 00:07:09,554 I'm hideous. 155 00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:13,599 Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. 156 00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:16,436 ♪ There once was an ugly duckling ♪ 157 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:17,812 So you think I'm ugly? 158 00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:19,689 No, no! 159 00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:22,442 I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks... 160 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,402 that makes fun of the ugly one. 161 00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:25,903 (groans) 162 00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,948 Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be? 163 00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,741 To shut myself off from the world 164 00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:33,035 and never be seen by human eyes again. 165 00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:34,704 Uh, was your second wish to be entered in 166 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:36,414 the Little Miss Springfield pageant? 167 00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:38,291 What are you talking about? 168 00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,209 I sent in an application for you. 169 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,878 I couldn't find a big enough photo, 170 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,630 so I sent in that funny drawing of you on roller skates. 171 00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:47,383 How could you?! I won't do it! 172 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,760 (sobbing) 173 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:53,139 Homer, Lisa's already sensitive about her looks. 174 00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:55,057 This is the last thing she needs. 175 00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:56,767 But I think she'll win. 176 00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:59,604 Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests? 177 00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:00,605 Hubba, hubba! 178 00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:01,564 (panting) 179 00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:06,277 (howls) 180 00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:11,032 Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl. 181 00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:13,576 Hmm. You're looking at her through a father's eyes. 182 00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:15,578 Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes 183 00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,330 and shove them into my sockets, 184 00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:19,499 I would, but to me she's beautiful. 185 00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:22,460 That is so sweet. 186 00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:26,005 Honey, no one's going to force you to do anything, 187 00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:27,465 but do you know how your father 188 00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:29,425 got the money to enter you in this pageant? 189 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,718 Nope. 190 00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:34,138 He sold his ride on the Duff blimp. 191 00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,516 But that ride meant everything to him. 192 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:40,770 ♪ Hey, there, blimpy boy ♪ 193 00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:46,692 ♪ Flying through the sky so fancy-free ♪ 194 00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:47,860 I'll do it. 195 00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:53,491 Did you see Tina Epstein? 196 00:08:53,574 --> 00:08:55,451 Whoa. If you're gonna binge, you'd better purge. 197 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,494 Uh-oh. 198 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:02,875 Amber Dempsey. 199 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,127 In the same week, she was Pork Princess 200 00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,712 and Little Miss Kosher. 201 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,589 She's beautiful. 202 00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,008 Wait, she's about to bring out the big guns. 203 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,263 Eyelash implants. 204 00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:16,973 I thought those were illegal. 205 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,975 Not in Paraguay. 206 00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:20,685 There's no way I can beat this girl. 207 00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:23,312 She's the Jack Nicklaus of the pageant circuit. 208 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,814 Oh, I don't know that she's as attractive 209 00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:27,483 as Jack Nicklaus. 210 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:31,946 (humming) 211 00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:34,699 I meant because they both win all the time, Mom. 212 00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:37,410 Oh. Well, yes. That's what I meant, too. 213 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,036 Well, tell you what. 214 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,080 This afternoon, I'll take you to the beauty parlor 215 00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:43,791 and show you just how lovely you can be. 216 00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:45,710 And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade-- 217 00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,628 taping your swimsuit to your butt, 218 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,423 petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile, 219 00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,466 and the ancient art of padding. 220 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,718 (purring) 221 00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,016 Are we done? 222 00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:03,227 We are just warming up. 223 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,771 Oh. Isn't this dangerous? 224 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:06,897 Don't worry. 225 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,816 I am well protected. 226 00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,410 Boy, when Lisa comes in I want you to 227 00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:21,746 make a big fuss over how she looks. 228 00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:24,582 She'll see through me like grandma's underpants. 229 00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:25,708 No, she won't. 230 00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:27,710 When it comes to compliments, 231 00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:29,295 women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters, 232 00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:32,715 always wanting more, more, more! 233 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,091 And if you give it to them, 234 00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:36,052 you'll get plenty back in return. 235 00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:37,261 Like what? 236 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:39,263 I'll tell you when you're older. 237 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:44,685 (laughs) 238 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,270 (door closes) 239 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:50,107 Is that Lisa? 240 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:52,193 Ooh, I got to call heaven. 241 00:10:52,276 --> 00:10:53,694 There's an angel missing. 242 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,696 {\an8}And who's your little school friend? 243 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,783 {\an8}Wait a minute-- that's Mom! 244 00:10:58,866 --> 00:11:00,326 Oh, my goodness. 245 00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:02,703 {\an8}Aren't they nice! Thank you. 246 00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,246 I know two fellows 247 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,832 who are going to get a special dinner tonight. 248 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,878 -Hey, hey! -Woo-hoo! 249 00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,630 {\an8}Dad, you know anything else about women? 250 00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:13,839 Nope, that's it. 251 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,260 Hey, brush head. 252 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,304 You've been nursing that thing for an hour. 253 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,806 You know, I was just wondering 254 00:11:21,889 --> 00:11:23,557 how someone who works in an ice cream store 255 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:26,060 keeps such a trim figure. 256 00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:27,436 I've misjudged you. 257 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:31,440 ♪♪ (piano) 258 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,568 I said, "Step, pause, 259 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,278 turn, pause, pivot, step, step." 260 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,948 not, "Step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, pause." 261 00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:41,992 Oh, shudder. 262 00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:45,329 And the winner is... Lisa Simpson! 263 00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:46,455 (gasps) 264 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,540 Okay, wipe away a tear... 265 00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:50,167 hug the loser... 266 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,044 and now, for your triumphant walk 267 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,295 down the runway. 268 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,630 (shoes squeaking) 269 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,049 Whoa. 270 00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,051 (yelling) 271 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,053 It's hopeless. 272 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,596 There's nothing to it. 273 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:03,681 Give me those heels. 274 00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:08,352 Heel, toe. Heel, toe. Heel, toe. 275 00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:10,354 Do you really think I can win? 276 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,107 Hey, I'm starting to think I can win. 277 00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:15,735 But those other girls are prettier than me. 278 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:17,611 Lis, as your brother, 279 00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:20,030 this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say. 280 00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,949 You're not ugly. 281 00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:23,325 Oh, Bart! 282 00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:30,833 ♪♪ 283 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,212 ♪ Out on our own ♪ 284 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:36,714 ♪ Making it work ♪ 285 00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:38,257 ♪ Gasping for air ♪ 286 00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:41,427 ♪ Having it all ♪ 287 00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:43,387 My name is Amber Dempsey. 288 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,265 When I grow up, I want to be a sweetie pie. 289 00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:47,516 (applause) 290 00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,479 I am Pahusacheta Nahasapeemapetilon 291 00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,564 and tonight I will be playing "MacArthur Park" 292 00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,316 on the tabla. 293 00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:57,234 (laughing) 294 00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,903 No, I am serious. 295 00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:01,197 Yes, judges, there's your queen. 296 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,365 Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart? 297 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:04,909 (both gasp) 298 00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:06,452 (groaning) 299 00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:07,953 (laughing) 300 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,288 My name is Lisa Simpson, 301 00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,791 and I want to be Little Miss Springfield 302 00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:14,001 so I can make our town a better place. 303 00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:16,128 Yeah, clean up this stink hole! 304 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:19,173 (panting) 305 00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:22,176 Krusty. About time you got here. 306 00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:23,886 Yeah, yeah, what is this? 307 00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,638 The Republican fundraiser? 308 00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:26,847 ♪ Check it out ♪ 309 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,140 ♪ Hey, look at us ♪ 310 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:29,850 ♪ Making a wish ♪ 311 00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,227 ♪ Dreaming a dream ♪ 312 00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,978 ♪ Little Miss Springfield ♪ 313 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:36,190 ♪ Which one will it be? ♪ 314 00:13:36,273 --> 00:13:37,650 GIRLS: Me! 315 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:41,320 Oh, that brisket's not sitting right. 316 00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:45,783 ♪ And I'll never have that recipe again ♪ 317 00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:48,702 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 318 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:51,455 (scattered applause) 319 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:54,458 Oh, that just kept going, huh? 320 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,920 And now, here's... Lisa Simpson! 321 00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,089 They'll love you just as much as I do. 322 00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,674 {\an8}Thanks, Dad. 323 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,181 Mmm! 324 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,855 Some people say that to love your country 325 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,566 is old-fashioned, uncool, real Melvin. 326 00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:20,484 Well, to them I say-- 327 00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,736 ♪ Oh, beautiful ♪ 328 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,406 ♪ For spacious skies ♪ 329 00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:29,201 ♪ For Amber waves of grain ♪ 330 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,703 One, two, three, four! 331 00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:33,289 ♪ Left a good job in the city ♪ 332 00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:36,125 ♪ Working for the man every night and day ♪ 333 00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,710 (cheering) 334 00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:46,093 This is my favorite part of the pageant because... 335 00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:47,428 What does that say? 336 00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:50,014 Oh. It gives me a chance 337 00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:52,057 to visit with the girls personality... 338 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,434 uh, personally. 339 00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,186 Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights 340 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:59,148 is a good thing or a bad thing? 341 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,524 Um... 342 00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:03,235 Take your time, dear. 343 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:04,987 Good thing. 344 00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,906 ALL: Aw... 345 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,199 And now it's time to name our runner-up, 346 00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:11,368 who, if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties... 347 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,203 blah, blah, blah. 348 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,080 And don't say it will never happen, 349 00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:17,875 because we all remember that thing with what's her name. 350 00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:20,336 Click, click. You know. 351 00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,421 Okay, the runner-up is... 352 00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:23,505 (drum roll) 353 00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,427 Hmm. 354 00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:30,971 Lisa Simpson! 355 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,389 Which means Amber Dempsey 356 00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:35,225 is the new Little Miss Springfield! 357 00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,102 (applause) 358 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,313 ♪♪ 359 00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:43,525 ♪ "L," the losers in her wake ♪ 360 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:47,947 ♪ "I," the income she will make ♪ 361 00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:52,743 ♪ "T" is for her tooth filled mouth ♪ 362 00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:56,497 ♪ "T," is for her tooth filled mouth ♪ 363 00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,165 MAN (on TV): Coming up next: 364 00:15:58,248 --> 00:16:00,000 A new fad that's sweeping the nation-- 365 00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:01,794 wasting food. 366 00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:07,257 But first, let's join the new 367 00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:09,218 Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey 368 00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:13,347 as she helps open the Danish superchain, Shop. 369 00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,015 Scott, everyone is here, 370 00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:16,433 from the mayor's illegitimate son 371 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,268 to our own Duff blimp. 372 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:19,937 Hi. Can I drive? 373 00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,772 Well, I can't see the harm. 374 00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:25,234 (Barney yelling) 375 00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,698 Oh, the humanity! 376 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:32,282 Anyway, to turn on the store's 377 00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,784 severe tire damage spikes, 378 00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:35,661 here's Little Miss Springfield. 379 00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:44,128 Oh dear, it would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet. 380 00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:45,879 I'd say the greater danger 381 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,132 is her scepter acting as a lightning rod... 382 00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:50,509 unless it's made out of plastic. 383 00:16:50,592 --> 00:16:51,677 {\an8}(thunder booming) 384 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,220 {\an8}Nope. Metal. 385 00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:54,930 Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield 386 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,557 has been struck by lightning. 387 00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:00,310 Doctor, what is Amber's condition? 388 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:01,562 Oh, she'll be fine. 389 00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,105 In fact, she's already won 390 00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,607 the Little Miss Intensive Care pageant. 391 00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,488 Congratulations, Lisa. 392 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,866 You're the new Little Miss Springfield. 393 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,200 Here's your scepter. 394 00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:17,327 Whoop! (laughs) 395 00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,955 Just kidding. Here you go. 396 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,207 Whoop! (laughs) 397 00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:23,208 Just kidding. 398 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:25,753 (thunder booming) 399 00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:27,254 I deserved that. 400 00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:35,721 {\an8}That doesn't look like her body. 401 00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,681 The torso used to be Dr. Ruth. 402 00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:40,059 Her head is on a pike in the chamber of horrors. 403 00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,313 (boys whistling) 404 00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:45,689 Hi, fellas. 405 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,318 Love that chewing gum walk. 406 00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,320 Very Wrigley. 407 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,532 As Little Miss Springfield, it's my pleasure 408 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:58,494 to welcome you to America, the land of opportunity. 409 00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,245 Actually, they're being deported. 410 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:04,041 ♪♪ (mournful tune) 411 00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:07,503 EMCEE: And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome 412 00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:08,712 to Mr. Bob Hope. 413 00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:09,755 What's the mayor's name? 414 00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:12,091 -Quimby. -Beautiful. 415 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,887 Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing 416 00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,514 in Springfield?" Hope. 417 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:20,599 Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? 418 00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:22,059 He's some golfer. 419 00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:24,394 His golf ball spends more time underwater 420 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:25,395 than Greg Louganis. 421 00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:28,982 And now, I want to show you 422 00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:30,776 what you're fighting for-- if there was a war on-- 423 00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:33,403 Little Miss Springfield. 424 00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:36,240 Isn't she beautiful? 425 00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:38,033 Little Miss Springfield? 426 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,911 First Tony Randall cancels, now this. 427 00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:42,371 SOLDIER: Hey, what gives here? 428 00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:43,372 (helicopter whirring) 429 00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:47,417 MAN: We want Miss Springfield. 430 00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,753 Hey, set me down at that boat show. 431 00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:52,131 {\an8}I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes? 432 00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:53,799 Mm-hmm. We think 433 00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:55,509 you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramie's. 434 00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,928 It's part of our new campaign. 435 00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:00,597 {\an8}Mmm... classy. 436 00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:02,099 (gasping) 437 00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:04,184 You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie. 438 00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:06,937 A lot of people who smoke our product have been... 439 00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,480 well, dying. 440 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:11,066 And we need young smokers to take their place. 441 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,194 {\an8}I don't want to be a spokesperson for a cigarette company. 442 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:16,363 But you're a role model to young people 443 00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:19,783 and we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose. 444 00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:22,953 (hacking cough) 445 00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:24,955 (hocks and spits) 446 00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:28,750 ♪♪ (march) 447 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,046 Bless you, boys. 448 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,424 Homer, those are ice cream men. 449 00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:36,466 I know. 450 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,888 (crowd exclaiming and applauding) 451 00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:44,474 (gasping) 452 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:54,234 Stop this float! 453 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,819 (grunting) 454 00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,279 What's the holdup? Go! 455 00:19:57,362 --> 00:20:00,490 I'm tired of being a corporate shill. 456 00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:02,659 (grunting) 457 00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,578 From now on, I will speak out 458 00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,830 against the evils in society 459 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:08,040 from dognapping 460 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:09,374 to cigarettes. 461 00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:17,549 LISA: Before I sing the national anthem 462 00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:20,093 I'd like to say that college football diverts funds 463 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:23,722 badly needed for education and the arts. 464 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:24,973 (crowd murmuring) 465 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:25,974 Is that true? 466 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,434 Let's get 'em! 467 00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,353 (angry whining) 468 00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,063 Let's get out of here! 469 00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,988 Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out 470 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,907 and Amber Dempsey back in, 471 00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:44,034 but this glorified crossing guard of a police chief 472 00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:45,827 won't get off his big fat can. 473 00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:47,704 Is it okay if I open these potato chips? 474 00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:48,997 (sneers) 475 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,375 Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered. 476 00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,085 Take a look at our Little Miss Springfield's 477 00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:54,711 pageant application. 478 00:20:56,922 --> 00:21:00,217 Roxie, bring in a bottle of champagne. 479 00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,220 And some dip for these chips... or something. 480 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:06,640 Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. 481 00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:09,685 She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today. 482 00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:14,815 Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. 483 00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:17,818 Uh... but it does seem the father 484 00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:20,195 of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, 485 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,531 filled out the pageant application incorrectly. 486 00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:25,117 In the area under "Do not write in this space," 487 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,077 he wrote, "Okay." 488 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,830 If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. 489 00:21:29,913 --> 00:21:31,873 -You must hate me. -Dad, do you remember 490 00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:33,917 why you entered me in that pageant? 491 00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:35,294 I don't know. Was I drunk? 492 00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:37,296 Possibly, but the point is 493 00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,548 you wanted me to feel better about myself, 494 00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:40,841 and I do. 495 00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,592 -Really? -Uh-huh. 496 00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,011 Will you remember this 497 00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:45,220 the next time I wreck your life? 498 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,139 It's a deal. 499 00:21:48,932 --> 00:21:50,267 And now, my exclusive interview 500 00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:53,312 with his holiness, Pope John Paul II. 501 00:21:55,188 --> 00:21:56,481 That's it. 502 00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:59,026 I cannot work under these conditions. 503 00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:00,652 If anybody wants me, 504 00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:02,404 I'll be downstairs at MacDougal's. 505 00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,489 Call the weekend guy. I don't care. 506 00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:05,866 (door slamming) 507 00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:10,579 ♪♪ 508 00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:55,082 Shh! 509 00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:00,462 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.