♪♪ ("Funeral March of a Marionette")
Good evening.
I've been asked to tell you
that the following show is very scary
with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.
You see, there are some crybabies out there,
religious types mostly, who might be offended.
If you are one of them,
I advise you to turn off your set now.
Come on, I dare you.
(clucking)
Chicken.
Hey!
(footsteps)
MARGE: Homer, did you just call everyone chicken?
HOMER: No. I swear on this bible.
MARGE: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
HOMER: Ooh, fuzzy.
(thunder crashes)
(deep cackling)
(background chatter)
Behold mighty Caesar.
In all his glory.
-(all laughing) -Hah-hah!
D'oh!
I am Calliope, the muse of heroic poetry.
No kidding?
(gasping)
(British accent) Stupid party.
Wish we was trick-or-treating.
Now Bart, you can find just as much horror
around the house.
Now, you children may not know it,
but there was once an evil witch,
and she died a horrible death.
These are her eyes...
Eww!
And this is her hair...
Eww!
And these are her brains.
Eww.
Yo, Mom, we haven't got the eyeballs yet.
MARGE: Homer, you're ruining it.
Yeah, well, it was an evil game.
Well, now we need another Halloween activity.
Hmm, does anyone know a ghost story?
I do, it's the story of a boy and his doll.
That's not so scary.
A doll from hell!
I'm gonna go to the store.
(evil cackling)
ABRAHAM: Happy birthday, Bart.
Thanks, Grampa.
Where did you get all the money?
The government. I didn't earn it.
I don't need it,
but if they miss one payment,
I'll raise hell.
Hey, Homer, where's your present?
D'oh! I mean, don't worry, son.
I forgot to get you a present,
but I swear on my father's grave...
-Hey! -I will get you one now.
-(door slams) -(tires screech)
Do you sell toys?
We sell forbidden objects from places
men fear to tread.
We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt.
Well, I need something for my son's birthday.
Perhaps this will please the gentleman.
(heart beating)
Take this object.
But beware, it carries a terrible curse.
Oh, that's bad.
But it comes with a free frogurt.
-That's good. -The frogurt is also cursed.
-That's bad. -But you get your choice of topping.
-That's good. -The toppings contain
potassium benzoate.
-That's bad. -Can I go now?
(kids clamoring)
Happy birthday, son.
Great Caesar's ghost!
A talking Krusty doll!
I'm Krusty the Clown,
and I love you very much.
Oh, Dad, this is the best birthday I've ever had.
That doll is evil, I tells you.
Evil. Evil!
Grampa, you said that about all the presents.
I just want attention.
BROCKMAN: And in environmental news, scientists have announced
that Springfield's air is now only dangerous
to children and the elderly.
Whoo-hoo!
I'm Krusty the Clown, and I don't like you.
(laughing)
I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you.
(chuckles) Didn't even pull the string that time.
I said I'm going to kill you.
You, Homer Simpson.
Oh, yeah? With what?
Hah!
(screaming)
Homer, what's wrong?
That doll tried to kill me.
I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad,
but what pressure?
Don't leave me alone with him.
(laughing maniacally)
(laughing stops)
(laughing resumes)
♪ My bologna has a first name ♪
♪ It's H-O-M-E-R ♪
♪ My bologna has a second name♪
♪ It's H-O-M-E-R ♪
(screaming)
(screaming continues)
There goes the last lingering thread
of my heterosexuality.
Hey, baby, get comfortable.
Relax.
It's a little hot for that cheerleader outfit,
don't you think?
You think your dirty socks can stop me?
Well, they are making me dizzy.
Ohh...
(wolf howls)
Good-bye, Dolly.
Arrivederci, Vito.
I was a fool to think anyone would want
nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg.
What the--
And that is that.
Guess who, fat boy!
Marge! Marge! Look!
Oh, my God!
The doll's trying to kill me,
and the toaster's been laughing at me.
(gurgling)
Eww, dog water!
-(keypad beeping) -(line ringing)
Your doll is trying to kill my husband.
Yes, I'll hold.
♪ Everybody loves a clown, so why don't you? ♪
(grunting)
Yep, here's your problem.
Someone set this thing to evil.
I love you, Homer.
Come here, you.
-Here you go, buddy. -Did you walk the dog?
Yeah, he buried me a couple of times.
Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk.
Yeah, you stupid idiot.
Oh, what a day.
Homer made me give him a sponge bath.
Eww!
But coming home to you makes it all worthwhile.
Uh-oh, here, let me get that for you.
So then his wife comes through the door.
-So? -Did I mention she was dead?
-No. -Well, she was.
And she hit him in the head
with a golf club.
-And? -Don't you remember,
he went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her.
-You said he went bowling. -D'oh!
Homer, I've coughed up scarier stuff than that.
Grampa, why don't you tell us a story.
You've led an interesting life.
That's a lie, and you know it!
But I have seen a lot of movies.
♪♪
My name is Marge Bouvier.
I'm here about your ad.
"Single white female wanted for mysterious expedition.
"Must like monkeys.
Non-smoker preferred."
Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace
from the rest of these crude and uncouth sailors.
-Argh! -Argh!
Argh!
What do you think, Smithers?
I think women and seamen don't mix.
We know what you think.
Young lady, you're hired.
(laughing maniacally)
Hey, I heard we're going to Ape Island.
Yeah, to capture a giant ape.
I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
Candy Apple Island?
What do they got there?
Apes-- but they're not so big.
(chanting) Homer, Homer, Homer.
Hey, who's this Homer dude?
He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape
or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island Jaycees.
Either way, we're going ashore.
-Am I going too? -Of course,
we wouldn't think of going without the bait...
uh, that is, the bait-thing beauty...
the bathing beauty.
I covered that up pretty well.
(chanting) Homer, Homer, Homer,
Homer, Homer, Homer, Homer...
BURNS: Just try to remain inconspicuous.
(speaking native language)
What's he saying?
He's saying, uh...
"We wouldn't dream
of sacrificing the blue-haired woman."
Oh, well, isn't that--
-Whoa! -Mm-hmm.
(yelling)
(grunting)
(gong crashes)
D'oh!
(echoing) D-oh!
(screaming)
Smithers, this is a golden opportunity.
If we get him alive, we can put him on Broadway.
Dead-- We'll sell monkey stew to the army.
(chuckles) Ooh!
You keep your hands to yourself, mister!
(sniffing)
(purrs)
(giggling)
BURNS: Now, we don't want to kill him.
Shoot him around the groin and belly.
(roaring)
(screaming)
Hey, Homer, cut it out.
Come on, quit eating me.
Ow!
Nice shot, Carl.
(muffled cries)
(crunching)
(gulps)
(belches)
All right, you big ape.
Get a snootful of this gas bomb.
(hissing)
(moaning)
♪ I was strolling through the gas one day... ♪
(roaring)
(yawning)
(snoring)
Nice work, Smithers.
When we get back, I'm giving you a raise.
Oh, well.
♪♪
(roaring)
What kind of show you got for us, Mr. Burns?
Well, the ape's going
to stand around for three hours or so.
Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Dugan and Dershowitz.
Sensational!
Ladies and gentlemen, in his native land, he was a king,
but he comes before you in chains for your own amusement.
Presenting Homer, the Eighth Wonder of the World!
(audience gasping)
Wow, look at the size of that platform!
(frightened grunting)
(roaring)
I think you're making him angry.
Come on, what's he going to do--
run amok in downtown Springfield?
(roaring)
(audience screaming)
(screaming)
Hey, monkey, want a peanut?
I said one!
(grunting)
♪ On the Good Ship Lollipop ♪
♪ It's a sweet trip to the candy shop ♪
♪ Where bonbons... ♪
-(roaring) -(screaming)
(muffled screams and crunching)
I'm dreading the reviews, I can tell you that.
Oh, hi, Homey.
(screaming)
(grunts)
(gasping)
Oh...
He's sure taking his sweet time.
Better refuel.
You know, you look a little flushed.
Maybe you should eat more vegetables
and less people.
Uh-huh.
(gasping)
(moaning)
(groaning)
He's not dead!
No, but his career is.
I remember when Al Jolson ran amok
at the winter garden
and climbed the Chrysler Building.
After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town.
(pitiful moaning)
Don't worry, Homey.
I'll take care of you.
♪♪ (organ playing "Trumpet Voluntary")
Are you with the bride or groom?
(chattering)
Right this way.
Folks, if you could just stop cleaning each other for a second.
Wait, wait, Marge, I can't find your father.
(crunching and slurping)
(belches)
Oh, Homer.
Now, kids, instead of candy, I thought I'd serve
an array of healthy fresh fruits.
(kids grumbling)
Fruit is nature's candy.
(grumbling grows louder)
Whoa!
(eerie moaning)
(screaming)
Hey, hi, fellow Halloweenies.
Did I scaredilly-dare you?
(gasping) Why... da-da-darn it.
Nice try, Mr. Flanders,
but I've got a story so scary
you'll wet your pants.
Too late.
From A-apple to Z-zebra,
Baby's First Pop-Up Book is 26 pages
of alphabetic adventure.
Bart, you mean to tell me
you read a book intended for pre-schoolers?
Well, most of it.
You have to read another book.
"Find Waldo Yet Again."
Man, he's just not trying anymore.
Gee, never noticed that before.
(chittering)
Ow! What's this?
-Evil. -Evil.
Madness.
-Beware. -Beware.
Cool!
-Ow. -Ow.
(sighing)
Chapter 8, "Let's Talk Zombies."
"If a zombie bites you, you become a zombie.
"You must walk the earth
"feeding on the brains of the living
until the spell is broken."
Bart, please, don't you remember that Snowball I died
four years ago tonight?
Run over by the mayor's beer-swilling brother, Clovis.
Hey, maybe there's a spell in here
that'll bring her back from the dead.
Let's see what we've got.
"How to get your skeletons their whitest."
"Selling your soul in a buyers' market."
Ah, here we are! "How to raise the dead."
(laughing maniacally)
(thunder crashing)
(chanting solemnly) Cullen, Rayburn, Narz, Trebek.
Zabar, Kresge, Caldor, Wal-Mart!
(tortured growling)
LISA: It's not working.
(sighing)
Bart, you cast the wrong spell!
Zombies!
Please, Lise, they prefer to be called
the living-impaired.
There, pretty as a picture.
(growling)
Ach! Zombies!
There, pretty as a picture.
Well, howdy, strangers. What can I do you for?
-Brains. -Brains.
Why, Sue Dolkes, you rascal.
I thought you were dead and--
(Flanders screaming)
Dad we did something very bad!
-Did you wreck the car? -No.
-Did you raise the dead? -Yes!
-But the car's okay? -BOTH: Uh-huh.
All right then.
Martin Prince, report to my office at once,
and bring that big, juicy, chess club brain of yours
along with you.
(lips smacking) Mmm.
(whimpering)
Hey, kids look what you can win
in the Krusty sweepstakes.
(screaming)
♪♪ (Muzak)
To enter, send me your parents' brains
or write "Parents' Brains" On a 3x5 card
and send it to--
Homer, did you barricade the door?
Why?
Oh, the zombies. No.
(screaming)
Spare my family.
Take me. Take me.
Hmm.
(hollow tapping)
-Brains! -Brains!
-Brains. -Brains.
I thought dabbling in the black arts
would be good for a chuckle.
How wrong I was.
I should have never read that book.
Wait, Bart, maybe the library has another book
that will reverse the spell.
It's our only hope.
To the book depository!
(tortured growling)
Hey, Simpson.
I'm feeling a might peckish.
Mind if I chew your ear?
-(gasping) -Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
He was a zombie?
KZMB, all-zombie radio.
(eerie moaning)
The zombies have the earthlings on the run.
Soon the human race will wither and fall
like the earth plums
we have seen on the observascope.
(evil laughter)
Ow! Careful.
Not the face.
(munching and moaning)
Barney, not you too?
I'm not a zombie.
But hey, when in Rome...
Wow! George Washington!
-Take that, Washington. -(gunshot)
-Eat lead, Einstein. -Oy.
Show's over, Shakespeare.
Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?
Hurry, Bart!
Kolchak, Mannix,
Banacek, Danno!
What's wrong?
Uh... I never realized
what a beautiful young woman you've become.
Oh.
Trojan, Ramses, Magnum, Sheik!
(zombies groaning)
-See you in hell. -Still pushing that boulder?
Uh-huh.
Excuse me, I'm John Smith.
John Smith, 1882?
My mistake.
The zombies that plagued our town
are now just corpses rotting in our streets.
(crowd cheering)
(groans)
Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Shh, TV.
-(thudding noise) -(canned laughter)
Man fall down.
Funny.
ALL: Mmm.
(wolf howls)
♪♪
♪♪ (pipe organ plays)
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.