♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(air hissing)
MAN: Captain's log, Stardate 6051.
Had trouble sleeping last night.
My hiatal hernia is acting up.
The ship is drafty and damp.
I complain, but nobody listens.
ANNOUNCER: See the original cast in their latest
greatest adventure.
Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow.
Again with the Klingons.
Mr. Scott, give me full power.
It's no good, Captain.
I cannot reach the control panel.
Movies! What a rip-off!
I don't have to sit here and take this. I...
(snoring)
Hubba, hubba.
-Oh, you kid! -Thank you, dear.
Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting.
We'll bring back dinner.
-What are we gonna have? -Well, that depends
on what your teachers say.
If you've been good, pizza.
If you've been bad, uh...
Let's see... poison.
What if one of us has been good
-and one of us has been bad? -Poison pizza.
Oh, no, I'm not making two stops.
All right, I'll talk to Lisa's teacher this year,
you can have Bart's.
That's the way we do it every year.
All right, tell you what.
I'm thinking of a number between one and 50.
Is it 37?
D'oh! I mean, no.
-Homer! -Please, Marge!
Please, please, please, please, please?
Oh, all right.
Woo-hoo!
-(honking horn) -(chanting) U.S.A., U.S.A.
U.S.A.
Ach.
(inhales)
-(exhales) -(wood creaking)
(makes flatulating noise)
(gasps)
Hee-hee!
(blade ringing)
Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities:
synthesizing a laxative
from peas and carrots,
replacing my birth-control pills with Tic-Tacs.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sure Bart doesn't really mean to be bad.
Now's our chance to be bad. (chuckles)
TEACHER: Mr. Simpson--
I just wanted to tell you
that you've done a wonderful job with Lisa.
You must have read to her at a young age.
I did. I did read to her.
"8:00: Happy Days.
The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool."
Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's:
reading TV Guide, um...
writing to TV Guide, and...
renewing TV Guide.
Now, we don't usually do this
but we have some witnesses.
Come in, Arthur.
Now, where did Bart stick the fireworks?
Oh!
(snoring)
(smacking)
Over the lips and past the gums,
look out dentures, here I come.
(slurping)
-(crunching) -Eew!
(growling)
(giggling)
(growling)
"My child is on the honor roll at Springfield Elementary."
You know, I never thought I'd find a replacement
for my "Where's the beef?" bumper sticker.
(chuckling) Where's the beef?
We'd like the desk back, Mr. Simpson.
Huh?
(chuckling) Oh.
("The Saber Dance" playing)
(yells)
I really don't see how this helps Bart.
Just do it.
Busted!
Homer, we have a problem here.
Are you kidding?
Lisa turned out perfect!
I won't stand here and listen to you bad-mouthing Lisa.
We're talking about Bart.
Oh. That guy.
I think the problem here is discipline.
If Bart does something wrong
you should punish him.
Well, we try.
But he has this way of making us think
we've punished him when actually,
we've completely caved in.
He's the boy you love to hate.
Well, you've got to start being firm with him.
I believe, with persistent discipline,
even the poorest student can end up becoming
oh, say, chief justice of the Supreme Court.
Chief justice of the Supreme Court.
What great men he would join.
John Marshall...
Charles Evans Hughes...
Warren Berger...
Mm, burger...
And what if we don't?
Then there's no telling how low he can sink.
HOST: All right, ladies!
Prepare to be blown away by Bang-Bang Bart!
(gunfire)
(women booing)
You're fat.
Just more of me to love, honey.
(women grumbling)
(Bart groaning)
Oh, my poor baby!
(car approaching)
(tires screeching)
Uh-oh.
What? Whazzat?
Hi, Mom, hi, Dad.
Home already?
Boy, time really flies when you're reading...
the bible!
Eew!
Well, we brought some pizza.
(loud, rapid mumbling)
If you don't start making more sense
we're gonna have to put you in a home.
You already put me in a home.
Then we'll put you in the crooked home
-we saw on 60 Minutes. -I'll be good.
Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!
Dad, you and your stories.
"Bart broke my teeth.
"The nurses are stealing my money.
This thing on my neck is getting bigger."
Now this is exactly
what Bart's teacher was talking about.
Our son did something wrong
and you look the other way.
But Marge, look at that hangdog expression.
He's learned his lesson.
Let's get him a present.
Oh, please, Homer.
Why do I always have to be the bad guy?
All right, all right.
Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth,
he gets to break yours.
Oh! This is going to be sweet.
-No, no, no! -Oh!
Bart, we're sending you to bed without your supper.
Yeah, right, like you're gonna let me go hungry.
I'll be eating that pizza in five minutes.
Bart, stop being confident.
Doggone it! Oh...
-Oh, Grampa. -(teeth clattering on floor)
I'm starving.
Somebody bring me some food, quick.
I'm a-coming, boy!
MARGE: Homer, get back here.
There must be something to eat around here.
(sniffing, whimpering)
Hmm.
(panting)
(whimpering)
(light switches clicking)
Gee, maybe they mean it this time.
From now on, I guess I'd better straighten up and fly--
Bart, don't tell your mother--
but I brought you some pizza.
Just promise me you'll try to be good.
-I promise. -That a boy.
(chuckling)
Sucker.
-(gun cocks) -Well, well.
If it isn't the Tooth Fairy.
ANNOUNCER: Coming for Christmas, "The Itchy & Scratchy Movie."
(delighted cackling)
(gasping) Bart!
Stick around, Mr. Bond.
Things are really starting to...
cook.
(laughing)
LISA: Bart, come quick!
There's an Itchy and Scratchy movie!
MAN: If you want suspense...
(screaming)
...romance...
...you'll find it at "The Itchy & Scratchy Movie,"
coming soon to a theater near you...
53% new footage.
Wow.
Bart, did you take out the garbage like I asked?
Indeed, I did.
(braying)
-D'oh! Hey, you goats get out of here. -(hissing)
Boy, you're gonna have to be punished for this.
Dad, you could punish me
but that means you have to think of a punishment,
sit here, and make sure I do it...
-Oh. -Or you could let me
go play with Millhouse while you spend the afternoon
watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms.
Ay! El estomago!
(laughing)
Run along, you little scamp.
♪ Jingle bells ♪
-♪ Jingle bells ♪ -Bart!
-Why are you doing that? -I don't know.
Well, this time you must be punished.
Well, you could punish me, but...
No tricks, boy. I said I'm going to punish you,
and come hell or high water,
-I-- Wait a minute. -(chimes ringing)
Ice cream truck!
(yelling and chattering)
Me, me! I was here first!
Mmm. Now, what were we talking about, boy?
Uh... we were talking
about the time you beat jury duty.
Oh, yeah.
The trick is to say
you're prejudiced against all races.
We're home.
We got beets!
Bart, are you pulling up the carpet?
-Uh-huh. -Why are you letting him do this?
-I don't know. -Well, punish him.
All right, all right. Bart, go to your room.
See you in the funny pages.
How could you let this happen?
-I wasn't here. -Oh. How convenient.
Homer, do you want your son
to become chief justice of the Supreme Court
or a sleazy male stripper?
Can't he be both like the late Earl Warren?
Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.
Now who's being naive?
Look, you have to help discipline your son.
All right, Marge, I swear to you,
the next time he does something wrong,
I'll punish him and make it stick.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Eye on Springfield,
we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years.
Hic! Kill me.
ANNOUNCER: But first we'll examine the growing
Itchy and Scratchy mania, with their new movie
premiering today.
I got my ticket.
I'm here live in Korea to give you a first-hand look
at how American cartoons are made.
But first, let's take a look back at the year 1928,
the year when you might have seen Al Capone
dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole.
♪♪
(screams)
It was also the year of the very first Scratchy cartoon
entitled "That Happy Cat."
♪♪
(whistling)
The film did very poorly,
but the following year, Scratchy was teamed up
with a psychotic young mouse named Itchy,
and cartoon history was made.
Here's their first cartoon together:
"Steamboat Itchy."
(whistling)
(whistle blows)
(whistling)
(screaming)
(whining)
(screaming)
(laughing)
Oh, me, oh, my.
♪♪
(loud laughter)
During the war, Itchy and Scratchy
put their differences aside and teamed up
to fight a bigger foe.
♪♪ ("Stars and Stripes Forever" playing)
♪♪ ("Happy Days Are Here Again" playing)
We'll be back with the real-life Itchy and Scratchy,
a rabid mouse in Boston
who attacked and killed a small cat.
(chuckles)
(loud laughter)
Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie?
Sounds like something you'd say.
Hey, where is she?
Oh, my Lord!
Oh, isn't that cute?
A baby driving a car.
And look, there's a dog driving a bus.
-(screeching tires) -Hey!
(grunts)
All right.
Time for a crime spree.
All right, boy, this calls for the biggest punishment
I ever handed down, and this time it's going to stick.
Come on, Homer, this isn't funny.
Damn right.
Bart, you can't go to see
that Itchy and Scratchy movie ever!
(gasps)
(moans)
Oh, no! Beta.
Dad, you got to let me see that movie.
Can't you just give me a spanking?
Come on, go nuts.
Don't point that thing at me.
I said you're not going to the movie
and I'm sticking to it.
Dad, I agree that Bart should be punished,
but "The Itchy & Scratchy Movie"
is the defining event of our generation.
How would you like it if someone told you
that you couldn't watch the moon landing?
Hmm.
That's one small step for man.
One giant leap for mankind.
(sniffles)
♪ Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy ♪
♪ And I feel like lovin' you ♪
♪ Love is such a sweet thing, good-enough-to-eat thing... ♪
Sorry, but the punishment stands.
I regret nothing!
(groans)
Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
Not bloody likely.
No, it's true.
You know, when I was a boy,
I really wanted a catcher's mitt.
But my dad wouldn't get it for me.
So I held my breath until I passed out
and banged my head on the coffee table.
The doctors thought I might have brain damage.
Dad, what's the point of this story?
I like stories.
Look, can I please go to the movie?
I know my punishment might seem a little harsh
but I can't go back on it.
You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
TV sucks.
I know you're upset right now,
so I'll pretend you didn't say that.
MAN (on TV): A master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour.
I'm not licked yet.
I can entertain myself. No matter how good a movie is,
it can't compare to the imagination of a small boy.
(groaning)
-How was it? -It wasn't that great.
-Be honest. -It was the greatest movie
I've ever seen in my life!
And you wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos--
Dustin Hoffman, Michael Jackson.
Of course, they didn't use their real names
but you could tell it was them.
-Lisa... -Sorry, Bart.
It's just not the same.
I've seen "The Itchy & Scratchy Movie" 13 times.
I've seen it 17 times.
You guys must be getting pretty tired
of that movie by now.
No one who saw the movie would say that.
Let's get him.
(all yelling)
Homer, we'd like to talk to you.
But then I won't be watching TV.
You can see the bind I'm in.
Dad, you've got to let Bart see that movie.
I've never seen him like this.
He has the demented melancholy
of a Tennessee Williams heroine.
Don't you think I know that?
Well, it's been two months.
You laid down the law and I'm proud of you.
But I think we've gotten through to him.
Sweet, soft-hearted Marge.
You just can't see the big picture.
If I stick to my guns, the boy could wind up
chief justice of the Supreme Court.
If I fail, the best he could do
is judge at a Mr. Tight Buns competition.
I can't let that happen.
I won't let that happen,
and I can't let that happen.
One for Itchy & Scratchy.
We promised your dad we wouldn't.
(groans)
I'm here at the Springfield Aztec Theater
where, after eight months and nine Academy Awards,
"The Itchy & Scratchy Movie" is showing for the last time.
Tomorrow a new movie,
starring Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke will open.
Will it be as successful?
Only time will tell.
Well, Dad, I guess you won.
No, son, we both won.
You don't know it now, but I've started you on the road
to somewhere very special.
Well, I'll be. "The Itchy & Scratchy Movie."
Come on, what do you say?
All right. I think you've learned your lesson.
One senior citizen
and one chief justice of the Supreme Court.
Eh-eh-eh. I'll get it, son.
That will be $650.
D'oh.
One soylent green.
Hold the butter.
Mmm... soylent green.
♪ They fight, they fight ♪
♪ They fight and fight and fight ♪
♪ Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight ♪
♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Movie ♪
♪♪ ("I've Been Working on the Railroad" playing)
Get out!
(cheering)
♪♪ ("I've Been Working on the Railroad" playing)
(whistle blowing)
(screaming)
(train whistle blowing)
Which one's the mouse?
Itchy.
Itchy's a jerk.
(chuckles)
Yeah.
♪♪
Shh.
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.