♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
Resident, occupant.
Mmm. Free sample of Lemon Time.
Ooh, give it here.
(gulping)
Homer, that's dishwashing liquid.
Yeah, but what are you gonna do?
Ooh! They're having a retirement party
for someone at the plant!
I wish I could retire.
Boy, that would be sweet.
FLANDERS: Howdy do, neighbor.
Good pipe weather. Thought I'd fire up the briar.
Can't talk. Busy.
Okley-dokley doo.
Did you notice how slanted he looked?
All part of God's great plan.
I think one side of our house is sinking.
Ha ha!
"The Half-assed Approach to Foundation Repair."
Hello, I'm Troy McClure.
You might remember me from such instructional videos
as "Mothballing Your Battleship"
and "Dig Your Own Grave and Save."
Now, over the next six hours,
I'll be taking you through the do's and do not do's
of foundation repair.
-Ready? -Ready.
First, patch the cracks in the slab
using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel.
Hand me my patching trowel, boy. Hmm.
Now, do you have extruded poly-vinyl foam insulation?
-No. -Good.
Assemble the aluminum J-channel using self-furring screws.
-Install. -What do I--
After applying brushable coating to the panels--
-Wait a minute. -...you'll need some
corrosion-resistant metal stucco lathe.
-Wait a minute! -If you can't find
-metal stucco lathe-- -Uh-huh.
...use carbon fiber stucco lathe.
Ohh!
Now barge the lathe.
(glass breaking)
Did you see the bubble?
I'm afraid the whole west side of your house is sinking.
I figure it's gonna cost you--
-Ooh, 8,500. -Forget it!
You're not the only foundation guy in town.
Let's see, foundation repair.
Ah, here we are-- D'oh!
...leaving the vice president in charge.
And now, Leaning Tower of Pisa, eat your heart out
and move over.
This is one story that's not on the level.
(all laughing)
Behold the horrors of the Slanty Shanty.
See the twisted creatures that dwell within.
Meet Cue Ball, the man with no hair.
Huh? (growling)
(gasping)
He's hideous!
-We have to do something. -(lamp shatters)
Marge, it will cost $8,500.
We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves...
80 hundred we need.
I could get a job.
Hey...
then I could follow my dream:
living in the woods and keeping a journal of my thoughts.
March 15-- I wish I brought a TV.
Oh, God, how I miss TV.
(chittering)
I think you have to keep your job, too.
Aw!
It was the most beautiful,
most expensive train ever built.
The Spruce Caboose.
Some people said it was too big to stay on the tracks.
Heh heh, they were right.
We're here for the retirement party.
Follow the headless brakeman.
Power plant retirement party.
-Ow! Right this way. -(glass shatters)
Ow!
(clearing throat)
Ahem.
Tonight, we've all come to honor
a close friend of ours.
Boring.
A man who provided the Burns Corporation
with 45 years of faithful service--
Mr. Jack Marley.
Boring.
(angry muttering)
Mr. Burns, if you don't mind,
I've prepared a little musical number
for Jack's special night.
♪♪
♪ There is a man ♪ ♪ There is a man ♪
-♪ A certain man ♪ -♪ A certain man ♪
♪ A man whose grace and handsome face ♪
♪ Are known across the land ♪
-♪ You know his name ♪ -♪ You know his name ♪
-♪ It's Mr. Burns ♪ -♪ It's Mr. Burns ♪
♪ He loves a smoke ♪
♪ Enjoys a joke ♪
♪ Why, he's worth ten times what he earns ♪
-♪ He's Mr. Burns ♪ -I'm Mr. Burns.
-He's Monty Burns. -I'm Mr. Burns.
♪ To friends, he's known as Monty ♪
♪ But to you, it's Mr. Burns ♪
♪ Bur-bur-bur-bur-burns ♪
Burns!
You mind if I say a few words?
(mockingly) Oh, me, me, me.
I need all the attention
just because it's my party, eh?
(dismissive grunt)
Please don't make me retire.
My job is the only thing that keeps me alive.
I never married, and my dog is dead.
♪♪ ("For He's a Jolly Good Fellow")
I'm not finished!
Oh, yes, you are.
-(screams) -(crashing)
With the departure of Mr. Marley,
there will now be an entry-level position
open in sector 7-G.
Now get out. The bar is closed.
(all moan)
MARGE: Maybe I should apply for that job.
Forget it, Marge.
We already live together.
We shouldn't work together.
As the bible says,
"Thou shalt not horn in on thy husband's racket."
Where does the bible say racket?
It's in there.
Look, Marge we just don't need the money that bad.
Wahh! (grunts)
Well, Lisa, I finished my resumé.
Uh, I think it needs a little padding.
What are you putting in there?
Bup, bup, bup.
When I'm done.
Chauffeur, seamstress.
Curator of large mammals?
Marge, have you seen my lunch box?
-Oh, I see. -(chuckles)
Mom, they expect you to lie a little.
Worked for the Carter Administration?
Well, you voted for him twice.
Lisa, shh. Someone might be listening.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Oh, I thought Muddy Waters wrote that song.
-(groans) -This resume is very impressive.
Let me be the first to say kabebu kazini.
-What? -Welcome aboard.
I guess my Swahili is not as good as yours.
(chuckling)
Yeah, hmm.
Sorry.
The position has been filled.
(grumbling)
Oh, dear.
Marge, you're making a big mistake.
I'm gonna see you all day at work and all night at home...
-(groans) -And that's good.
But here's the bad part:
Uh, uh...
Ooh, look at that headline.
"Canada to hold referendum."
Sorry, Marge, can't talk now.
We need the money.
And my life is pretty boring.
Last week, some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door,
and I wouldn't let them leave.
They snuck away when I went in the kitchen
to get more lemonade.
Yeah, lemonade is good.
I think it's wonderful.
Mom and Dad, side-by-side at the power plant.
You'll be just like Marie and Pierre Curie.
-What did they do? -They discovered radium.
Then they both died of radiation poisoning.
Hmm.
(roaring)
(screaming)
It's the Curies. We must flee.
(roaring)
Cool!
Now, Marge, just remember.
If something goes wrong at the plant,
blame the guy who can't speak English.
Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt?
(chuckles)
Maggie, your baby-sitter's here.
What's that mean?
Whoa!
You must be sick. Let's see.
What's old Doc Washburn prescribe?
Do you have dropsy?
The grippe? Scopula?
The vapors? Jungle rot?
Shanty fever? Poor man's gout?
Housemaid's knee? Climactic bouba?
The staggers? Dum-dum fever?
And this is your office.
That idiot Tibor lost the key,
but you can jimmy it open with a credit card.
(computer whirring)
Well, have fun.
-What do I do? -(chuckles)
Marge, please, according to your resumé
you invented this machine.
(electronic humming)
(explosion, men shouting)
Put away your books, children.
It's time for your English test.
(moaning)
Sick on test day.
Why? Why?
Bart have you read The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
I'm halfway through it.
I swear. (groaning)
-(door slams) -(scoffs)
Marge, what are you doing?
It's lunch time.
I'll just be a minute.
I have to finish this paperwork.
Marge, Marge, Marge.
Let's file this under "R" for arrivederci.
But where does it go?
Don't worry, baby. The tube will know what to do.
Good news, boy.
I found a pharmacy that carries leeches.
Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy.
More of a bait shop.
Look, Grampa, I'm fine.
I really don't need any more home remedies.
Oral thermometer, my eye!
Think warm thoughts, boy, 'cause this is mighty cold.
(Bart screams)
♪♪ ("Imperial March" playing)
Jackanapes.
Lollygaggers.
Noodle heads.
Enchantress.
That woman, she's so captivating.
Smithers, my heart's pounding like a jackhammer.
I must have her.
Smithers, zoom in.
Closer, closer.
Closer, damn it!
Ow!
Too close.
♪♪ (humming tune)
-Hello. -Mr. Burns!
Oh, no need for alarm.
I just came to give you the orchids
and fragrant bath oils
I lavish upon all my employees.
Oh, aren't you nice.
This makes me wonder why morale here is so low.
(sobbing)
I am the angel of death.
The time of purification is at hand.
Oh, who cares?
Marge, what can we do?
Well, you could give them healthier snacks.
Theme days.
You mean like Child Labor Day?
Mm, actually I was thinking of Funny Hat Day.
Oh.
Ooh, and how about piping in some Tom Jones music?
That always cheers me up.
♪ What's new, pussy cat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ What's new, pussy cat? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
It's working.
-It's working! -(gun cocks)
And the healthy snacks are on their way.
You can't take our doughnuts!
Yah!
All right, anyone else want to be a hero?
Ooh.
Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office
right next to mine. (laughing)
But, sir, that's my office.
Don't worry, Smithers.
I'm putting you where the action is.
Springtime fresh.
Winter white.
What could be better?
Oh, man, I really gotta--
No!
So, Bart, how are you feeling?
Can't complain.
Well, then you're ready for your make-up test.
Ohh! My ovaries.
Ha ha ha, suckers.
Have you ever read The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
I glanced at it.
Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs.
I forget how it ends.
(stammering)
Bart, is that light green?
-Yeah. -It better be.
-Hey! -Oh...
Homie, what's wrong?
I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me--
friends, co-workers, Tibor.
I never thought it would be my own wife.
Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder.
Are you kidding? I work like a Japanese beaver.
Oh, really? I came to see you three times today.
Twice, you were sleeping, and once,
you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around.
Well, I won't sleep in the same bed
with a woman who thinks I'm lazy.
I'm gonna go right downstairs, unfold the couch,
unroll the sleeping ba--
Ah, good night.
(snoring)
(sighs)
I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers.
You know that dream where you're in bed
and they fly in through the window?
Ahh.
You've been reading my wish book, sir.
Yes, well, Smithers,
I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate.
Marge, me, and do you think
you could you dig up Al Jolson?
Ah, do you remember we did that once before?
Oh, that's right, he's dead...
and rather pungent.
The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.
All right then, bring me that crooner she likes so much--
Tom Jones.
♪♪ (country music playing)
These spurs are killing me.
Hey, sit on it.
Buddy, '50s Day is next Wednesday.
I got to go home and change.
(motorcycle revving)
Here's your money.
Well, you know, the problem here was water leakage.
If you just buy a 50-cent washer--
I've got a better idea.
-Get the hell out! -(chuckles)
Look, I got some washers in my truck.
-I'll give you one. -Marge, get my gun.
♪♪
(women screaming)
-Tom Jones? -Yes?
I was wondering if you'd be interested
in performing at a private party?
Sorry, mate, I don't do private parties.
Well, then, perhaps you should look in this suitcase.
All right, but I don't see--
(coughing)
Pleasant dreams, Mr. Jones.
Bart, to avoid this test, you've had smallpox, the bends,
and that unfortunate bout of rabies.
I'm not sure I'm over it.
(clicking) Shove it, witch.
(barking)
No more excuses.
(muttering and barking)
Her claws are really digging into my skull.
She can crush clams with them.
Get it off, get it off, get it off!
Here we have an Alaskan timber wolf.
He weighs 240 pounds,
and his jaws can bite through a parking meter.
He does get spooked by loud noises.
Loud? That's our secret word for the day!
(beeping, whirring, and ringing)
(children cheering)
(snarling)
(all screaming)
-Oh, my God! -Baaah!
She must think you're after her eggs!
I only ate one.
(growling)
Nice doggie.
(snarling)
Ivanhoe is the story of a Russian farmer
and his tool.
(growling)
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
I'm afraid you'll have to do better than that.
-(growling) -(screaming)
-Sorry, no sale. -(glass shatters)
You're wasting valuable test time.
(squeaking)
Mr. Burns, you wanted to see me?
Uh, actually, I was wondering if you were free
for a little get-together tonight.
Dinner, dancing, and...
Mr. Tom Jones.
-Hello, Marge. -That's it, big smile, everybody's happy.
Oh, my goodness!
(thud, grunts)
My husband will be so excited.
You have a husband?
Yes, I can picture him now.
Rugged good looks.
Sweater knotted about his shoulders.
Curly locks shining in the sun like spun gold.
Homer, Mr. Burns gave me another raise today.
(laughing) The senile old fool.
(laughing)
You're fired!
You can't fire me just because I'm married.
I'm going to sue the pants off you.
You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.
(lusty growl)
Mmm.
(growling)
Wah!
Uhh!
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Hey, wolfie.
Put down that hors d'oeuvre.
It's time for the main course.
Aaah!
Gah! Get up!
Back to class, lad.
Nothing to see here.
(grunting)
Here's my test.
Bart, I'm not even going to grade this
until you tell me the truth about what happened out there.
The truth is...
There was no wolf.
I faked the whole thing.
I'm just gonna lie on the floor now.
Please don't let me swallow my tongue.
(thud)
There, doesn't it feel better to tell the truth?
Oh, dear.
All right now, boy.
We've got to rub some garlic on you
before the next full moon.
(gulping)
Don't feel bad for losing.
I was wrestling wolves
back when you were at your mother's teat.
Why, Marge, look at all those flies
buzzing around your head.
You're a mess, woman.
(laughing maniacally)
So, do you think I have a case?
Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck.
Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need
to rebuild my shattered practice.
Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
It's 9:30 in the morning.
Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.
Last chance.
Oh, yeah.
Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent,
and a paper trail a mile long.
Yes, well, I have ten high-priced lawyers.
(screaming)
He left his briefcase.
Hey, it's full of shredded newspapers.
Well, I guess that's it.
People like us can't afford justice.
Come on, Homie.
Let's go before he fires you, too.
No! Mr. Burns,
I'm not leaving until you say you're sorry
for what you did to my wife.
You love her, too?
Damn right.
Homer, I want you to show this woman
-the time of her life. -Gotcha. Marge,
we're getting some drive-thru, then we're doing it twice.
No, no, no.
I've got something even more special in mind.
♪ It's not unusual ♪
♪ To be loved by anyone ♪
♪ It's not unusual ♪
♪ To have fun with anyone ♪
-(kissing noises) -Ooh!
-(giggling) -Get help, love.
Call Interpol.
Get me a hacksaw, anything.
♪ It's not unusual ♪
♪ It happens every day ♪
♪ No matter what you say ♪
♪ You'll find it happens all the time ♪
♪ And love will never do ♪
♪ What you want it to ♪
♪ Why can't this crazy love be mine? ♪
♪ It's not unusual ♪
♪ To be mad with anyone ♪
♪ It's not unusual ♪
♪ To be sad with anyone ♪
♪ But if I ever find that ♪
♪ You've changed at any time ♪
♪ It's not unusual to find ♪
♪ That I'm in love with you ♪
♪ Whoa-whoa, oh-oh, whoa-oh, whoa-whoa, whoa-oh ♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.