♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
♪♪ (big band music plays)
♪♪ (carnival music plays)
(elephants trumpet)
Maggie, can you say "Ba-ba"?
Can you say "Mama"?
-Can you say "Get bent"? -Bart!
Mr. Rogers says it all the time.
-He does not. -Maggie, can you say "Daddy"?
Daddy.
-Kitty. Kitty. -Be-bop. Be-bop.
Shove-it. Shove-it.
-(burps) -Did you hear that? She said "burlap."
I don't think so. Oh, Maggie,
when are you going to talk?
Well, don't push her. Remember:
"'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool
than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
What does that mean?
Better say something, or they'll think you're stupid.
-Takes one to know one. -Swish.
According to Fretful Mother Magazine,
if Maggie doesn't talk by age one,
we should consider a corrective tongue extender.
Hey, what was my first word?
Uh, well...
(Marge giggling)
Whoa!
HOMER: Hee hee hee hee.
Yes!
Ay, caramba!
You know, I don't think I remember.
But the story of Lisa's first word is very cute.
BOTH: Tell it, Mom. Tell it, Mom.
Yeah, tell it, Mom.
Well, this story begins in that unforgettable spring of 1983.
Ms. Pacman struck a blow for women's rights.
A young Joe Piscopo taught us how to laugh.
Before Lisa was born,
we lived in a tiny apartment
on the lower eastside of Springfield.
(Italian accent) ♪ Chipwich for sale ♪
♪ Chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin ♪
♪ Chipwich for sale ♪
Youse guys want to play stickball?
Certainly.
-Yeah, sure. -Over here. Come on.
Did you girls watch the last episode of MASH?
(Irish accent) That Mike Farrell really boils my potato.
(Italian accent) I miss-a da Klinger already.
♪ When the working day is done♪
♪ Girls just wanna have fun ♪
♪ That's all we really want ♪
Homer!
(chuckling)
Homer's what grownups call me.
Call me Daddy.
-Homer. -Daddy.
Dad-dad-da...
Yes?
Domer.
(snickering)
Why, you little...
(snoring)
Ooh!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
HOMER: Ah, he'll tire himself out soon.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Then the prince and the princess...
(yawns)
Got married and lived happily ever after.
Then what happened?
Uh...
they had 30 sons and 30 daughters.
What were their names?
Dennis... Brad...
Mavis...
Brad...
(snoring)
No, this is true.
The Coast Guard arrested Boy George
for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy.
(guttural laughter) Hi-yo!
Hi-yo
(laughing) Got your nose.
Got your wallet.
(toilet flushing)
No!
Bart, don't you ever do that again.
Understand?
-Beep. -(growling)
Guess what, Homie.
There's going to be twice as much love in this house
as there is now.
We're gonna start doing it in the morning?
-No. -Oh.
We're going to have another baby.
Marge, that's...
Bye-bye, keys.
-(flushing) -Ohh!
Hear that, Bart?
You're going have a little brother or sister to play with.
Who did this?
Baby.
Bad baby!
(laughing)
(sigh)
Uh-oh!
(milk dripping)
I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.
No, we won't.
I've got it all figured out.
The baby can have Bart's crib.
Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Won't that warp him?
My cousin Frank did it.
You don't have a cousin Frank.
He became Francine back in '76.
Then he joined that cult.
I think his name is Mother Shibubu now.
(groans)
That afternoon, we left Bart with my sisters
and went house hunting.
Hey, Bart, want a dollar?
Uh, uh, uh!
You know what I want to hear.
♪ I'm a little teapot, short and stout ♪
♪ This is my handle ♪
♪ This is my spout ♪
♪ The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout ♪
Oh, yeah.
Love that spout medley.
Now, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson,
the only houses I have in your price range
are in the neighborhood
colorfully referred to as The Rat's Nest.
(gunshots and sirens)
This one just came on the market.
Oh, dear! (nervous laughter)
Now, here we have
beautiful hardwood floors, track lighting...
(sniffing)
What's that stench?
Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat,
you'll wonder how you ever did without it.
Mmm... hog fat.
Let's keep looking.
(sniffing)
Ooh. Do you smell something?
Argh, why buy a house
when ye can buy a houseboat?
Excuse me. (growls)
Don't forget to check out the galley.
That's real shag carpeting.
-Argh. -(cats meowing)
Oh, once we get the cats out of the way,
it won't be bad.
Actually, according to the will, the cats own the house.
You'd be their tenants.
(hissing)
I wish we lived in the kitty house.
I could have trained them
to be my unholy army of the night.
Go, my pretties. Kill! Kill!
We were about to give up
when we found a house that was perfect.
Just imagine what we can do with this place.
Wow.
How much? How much?
Well, here's what they're asking.
I can't afford that.
Dad, I have a problem.
Why did you come to me?
I don't know nothing.
I used to get by on my looks.
Now they're gone,
withered away like an old piece of fruit.
(sobbing)
-Are you done? -No, not yet.
I was voted the handsomest boy in Albany, New York.
Dad, I don't need advice.
I need $15,000 to buy a home.
Oh, well, all I own is this house
that I built with my own two hands.
You didn't build this house.
You won it in a crooked '50s game show.
I ratted on everybody and got off scot-free.
Ha ha!
All right, son.
I'll sell this dump and write you a check.
Dad, first you gave me life.
Now you've given me a home for my family.
I'd be honored if you came to live with us.
Thank you.
How long before you ship Grampa off to the old folks home?
About three weeks.
(laughing)
Maggie, I'll give you this cookie if you talk.
What? What?
D'oh!
All right, you win round seven.
When are we gonna get to my first word?
-Your what what? -My first word!
You don't want to hear that story.
I know. I'll tell you about the time
I got locked in the bank vault with Mr. Mooney.
It was another one of my harebrained schemes.
-Dad! -Wait a minute.
That was a Lucy Show. Okay, where were we?
Mom was preggers, and Dad just threw our money down this sinkhole.
Ah, yes, I remember the day
we moved in.
(grunting)
Hey, Homer, this house sucks.
Bart, I told you not to use that word.
Call me Daddy.
Homer. Naah...
(grunting)
♪ We welcome you to the neighborhood ♪
♪ Sing fa-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la la-la-la ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ From now on, you'll be history ♪
-♪ You'll be his... ♪ -♪ You'll be his... ♪
♪ You'll be history ♪
Buenos dias, neighboritos.
The handle's Flanders, but my friends call me Ned.
Hi, Flanders.
Who the hell are you?
My name's Todd. Would you be my friend?
You're funny. (laughing)
If you need anything, just give a whistle.
I could use a TV tray.
-Well, gee... -What?
I just this minute bought it at the hardw--
You said anything.
Heh. Well, sure.
You can borrow it for a little while.
And that little while is now eight years and counting.
(chuckles)
Anyway, Bart had just entered the terrible twos.
♪ I am so great ♪
♪ Everybody loves me, I am so great... ♪
Honey... honey... honey... honey... honey...
Could you please be quiet?
♪ Quiet! Biet! Diet! ♪
Siet! Fiet!
Bart, get out!
HOMER: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife
and a troubled child,
but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
(screaming)
♪♪
(laughing)
Hey, kids... (goofy chuckle)
Summer's just around the corner, and Krusty Burger
is the official meat-flavored sandwich of the 1984 Olympics.
Cootchie-cootchie-coo.
(yells)
-Krusty funny. -Duh.
It's all part of our Krusty Burger Olympic sweepstakes.
Just scratch off the name of the Olympic event
on your game card,
and if America wins a gold medal,
you win a free Krusty Burger.
Mm-mm-mmm.
-MAN: And cut. -Blah!
I almost swallowed some of the juice.
I'll be tasting that for weeks.
-Great spot, K.C. -Put a sock in it, preppy.
How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?
Not to worry, Mr. K. We've rigged the cards.
They're all in events that communists never lose.
I like. I like.
This just came over the wires, Big K.
Uh-huh. "Soviet Boycott." "U.S. Unopposed in Most Events."
How does this affect our giveaway?
Let's see.
You personally stand to lose $44 million.
(groaning)
Oy!
(groaning)
Bart, from now on, the baby sleeps in the crib.
Crib... crib... I'm a baby.
All right, I know how to handle this.
Just use a little reverse psychology.
Let's go, Marge.
Leave the baby with his little crib.
D'oh!
(grunting)
(hammering)
Ah, Homer J. Simpson, you're a genius.
I know you like clowns, so I made you this bed.
Now you can laugh yourself to sleep.
GOOFY VOICE: If you should die before you wake...
(evil laughter)
Can't sleep.
Clown will eat me.
Can't sleep.
Clown will eat me.
MALE SPORTSCASTER: Oh, doctor, we are seconds away
from the 100-meter butterfly, and with the East German--
(chuckling) ...women shaving their backs
9,000 miles away, the Americans are heavy favorites.
(stomach growling)
Patience, my pet.
(gunshot)
And the Americans jump out to an early lead.
Help! Help!
FEMALE SPORTSCASTER: Although, we should point out
that many of the other women represent countries
that don't have swimming pools.
MAN: Boo-hoo! You're breaking my heart.
Homie, I think the baby's coming.
Wow, a baby and a free burger.
Could this be the best day of my life?
Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family.
Yes!
We'll take good care of your boy, Simpson.
Enjoy the miracle of creation.
Shut up, Flanders.
So, kids, what do you want to play?
-Good Samaritan! -Good Samaritan!
(gasps) I get to clothe the leper.
Lucky.
Suppertime, boys.
Oh, boy! Liver!
Iron helps us play.
I want to go home. No, I don't.
♪ I got the joy, joy, joy, joy ♪
♪ Down in my heart ♪
Where?
♪ Down in my heart to stay ♪
♪ And if the devil doesn't like it ♪
♪ He can sit on a tack ♪
Ouch!
♪ Sit on a tack... ♪ Ouch!
Pa, can you help me with my psalms?
Ah!
Oh, Bart, you met Grandma Flanders.
Hope she didn't scare you.
Hello, Joe.
(gasping)
Little Lisa...
I've already started you a college fund
at Lincoln Savings and Loan.
According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her.
Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy, yellow butt.
From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib.
Iron helps us play.
(evil laughter)
Hello, Joe.
From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib.
Iron helps us play.
(evil laughter)
Hello, Joe.
Bart, there's someone in here who wants to meet you.
Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa?
I hate you.
I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
"Mondale to Hart: 'Where's the beef?'"
"Where's the beef?"
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
(laughs)
"Where's the beef?" No wonder he won Minnesota.
Everyone agreed that Lisa was a beautiful baby.
Here she is.
-(exhaling) -(Lisa coughing)
Isn't that cute?
She's coughing.
Aw.
I'm going to give her a kiss.
Mmm.
(loud kiss)
-I know a new song. -You still here?
♪ Alouette, gentille alouette ♪
♪ Alouette ♪
Um...
Uh...
♪ Alouette ♪
You already sang that part.
The older they get, the cuter they ain't.
Hey, the baby just spit up.
A-wudge-a-wudge- a-wudge-a-woo.
A-wudge-a-wudge- a-wue-a-wudge-a-woo.
Welcome back to the final day of this the 23rd Olympiad,
brought to you by Krusty Burger.
You people are pigs!
(sobbing)
I personally am going to spit in every 50th burger.
I like those odds.
In a moment, we'll see the courageous Korean gymnast,
Kim Jong, who made a perfect dismount
on what was later revealed to be a broken leg.
-(bone snaps) -(agonized screaming)
(chuckles) Ouch! But first, let's go to the boxing venue.
Please, please, please, please...
HOWARD COSELL: The American, Drederick Tatum, does a triumphant turkey trot
over the supine Swede.
One's thoughts turn to Alexander of Macedon's victory
at Granicus and Issus.
(chanting) U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Carl Lewis, I could kiss you!
(chuckling)
She has the reflexes of a young Mary Lou Retton.
Have a wowipop.
Can I have a lollipop?
Oh, Bart, I'm afraid that was the last one.
But I've got something even better for you--
a rubella inoculation.
(chuckling)
♪♪ (humming "Rock-A-Bye Baby")
I want to hold the baby. I want to hold the baby.
I'm sorry, Bart, you're too little.
Here, Bart, you can hold my beer.
-Homer! -What?
Good night, honey.
-Hello, Lisa. -(snipping)
Lisa, time for your feed--
(screaming)
-Who's cuter now? -(snipping)
She started it.
(giggles)
(giggling)
Stupid mailman. Squeal on me.
-(bell chimes) -Hidey-ho, Simpson!
Your son shoved this through our doggie door.
And since we're returning your second-born,
you think you could see your way to returning my TV tray--
Boy, you get over to the corner
and you... Yeah.
I liked it when it was me, Mom, and Homer.
You wrecked everything.
I'm leaving. Good-bye!
Bart.
-What did you say? -Bart.
Suffering succotash!
You can talk!
(grunts)
Mom, Dad!
She can talk! Say it again, Lis.
Bart.
Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart.
I'm her first word.
Well, I'm not surprised.
Lisa's crazy about you.
She thinks you hung the moon.
Wow.
Lisa, can you say "Mommy"?
Mommy.
Can you say, "David Hasselhoff"?
David Hasselhoff.
-Can you say "Daddy"? -Homer.
No, sweetie, "Daddy."
Homer.
D'oh!
(laughing)
I was sitting there.
I don't see your name on it.
It's right there.
Bart, don't write on the rug.
Ha ha! Mom yelled at you.
-Did not! -Did too.
You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk,
the sooner they talk back.
I hope you never say a word.
(switch clicks)
(door closes)
Daddy.
♪♪
Shh.
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.