1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:14,973 (chalk screeches) 3 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,394 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,525 (work whistle blows) 5 00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:30,905 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 6 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:43,376 (jazzy solo) 7 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,464 (tires screech) 8 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,180 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:58,641 --> 00:00:59,893 (horn honks) 10 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,270 (tires screech) 11 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482 D'oh! 12 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,734 -Aah! -(tires screech) 13 00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:26,628 ♪♪ ("The Flintstones" theme) 14 00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:27,796 (whistle blowing) 15 00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:30,423 Yabba dabba doo! 16 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,680 {\an8}♪ Simpson, Homer Simpson ♪ 17 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:41,976 {\an8}♪ He's the greatest guy in history ♪ 18 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,979 {\an8}♪ From the town of Springfield ♪ 19 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:48,108 {\an8}♪ He's about to hit a chestnut tree ♪ 20 00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:49,150 {\an8}Aah! 21 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,822 {\an8}What do they do with these after we seal them? 22 00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:56,407 {\an8}I hear they dump 'em in an abandoned chalk mine 23 00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:58,451 {\an8}and cover 'em with cement. 24 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,411 {\an8}I hear they're sending them to one of those southern states 25 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:01,871 {\an8}where the governor's a crook. 26 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,998 {\an8}Either way, I'm sleeping good tonight. 27 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,719 {\an8}Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch? 28 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,721 {\an8}-The playground? -No. 29 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,100 All those bald children are arousing suspicion. 30 00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:23,434 To the park! 31 00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:25,562 (Smithers and Burns straining) 32 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:28,773 I think it's full, sir. 33 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:30,275 That's ridiculous. 34 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,318 The last tree held nine drums. 35 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:35,905 (chittering) 36 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,291 Agent Malone, Environmental Protection Agency. 37 00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:48,835 Some Boy Scouts stumbled on your little game 38 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,378 of "hide the ooze." 39 00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:56,092 JUDGE: Mr. Burns, 40 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:59,512 in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life, 41 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:02,515 this court fines you $3 million. 42 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:05,852 Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket. 43 00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:11,941 Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice, too. 44 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,067 Sold! 45 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:16,321 (chuckling) 46 00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:18,740 Oh, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk. 47 00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:20,074 Heh heh heh heh. 48 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:22,285 Ooh, there's going to be a town meeting 49 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:25,330 to decide how to spend Mr. Burns' money. 50 00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:26,706 Oh, what a boon it could be 51 00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:29,000 for our underfunded public schools. 52 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,880 Children, it's time for your history lesson. 53 00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:35,798 Put on your virtual reality helmets. 54 00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:41,638 {\an8}Mmm, excellent. 55 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:42,931 Hello, Lisa. 56 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,766 I'm Genghis Khan. 57 00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:46,226 You'll go where I go, 58 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,228 defile what I defile, 59 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:50,355 eat who I eat, hmm? 60 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,525 Come on, Lis, we both know how this money should-- 61 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:56,903 nay, must be spent. 62 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,907 (electronic beeping) 63 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,413 Gaa! Oh... 64 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,791 Bart, we'll do anything you want. 65 00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:13,211 Just call off your giant mechanical ants. 66 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,421 Whoa! 67 00:04:16,547 --> 00:04:18,132 (evil laughter) 68 00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:20,260 Well, I think we should spend the money on something 69 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:22,679 the whole town can be proud of. 70 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,515 Like a giant billboard that says, "No fat chicks"? 71 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:26,557 No. 72 00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:33,523 Ooh, it looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this. 73 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,733 -(glass breaking, alarms ringing) -Ha ha! 74 00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:39,821 Could this town be any stupider? 75 00:04:39,904 --> 00:04:43,157 Order. Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance. 76 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:44,575 Get to the money! 77 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,244 In a moment. 78 00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:47,829 First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting. 79 00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:49,539 -Get to the money! -Get to the money! 80 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,165 Get to the money! 81 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:52,583 Very well. 82 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,377 We will now hear suggestions 83 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:57,171 for the, uh, disbursement of the, uh, $2 million. 84 00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,798 Don't you mean $3 million? 85 00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:02,051 Of course. How silly of me. 86 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,428 Excuse me. 87 00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:05,179 We could use the money to hire firemen 88 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:07,849 to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town. 89 00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:09,392 Boring! 90 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:12,061 Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub, 91 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,940 and I come from, uh... someplace far away. 92 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,026 Yes, that will do. 93 00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,778 Anyway, I-- I say we invest that money 94 00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,447 back in the nuclear plant. 95 00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,699 I like the way Snrub thinks. 96 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:28,453 (grumbling) 97 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,961 Pardon me, but I would like to see this money 98 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:39,255 spent on more police officers. 99 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,382 I have been shot eight times this year, 100 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:44,260 and as a result, I almost missed work. 101 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,428 Crybaby! 102 00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:49,140 My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. 103 00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:51,517 It may sound a little boring at first. 104 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,811 Chat away. I'll just amuse myself 105 00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,064 with some pornographic playing cards. 106 00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:57,440 Oh. 107 00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,067 Well, surely you've all noticed 108 00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,986 the terrible condition Main Street is in. 109 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,741 Many of us have destroyed it 110 00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,618 by leaving winter chains on our tires 111 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:10,578 and carrying too much weight. 112 00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:15,083 Woo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly. 113 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:18,961 MARGE: And those potholes are becoming a real nuisance. 114 00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:26,469 Now hold on just one minute. 115 00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:30,056 Sure, we could fix up Main Street. 116 00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:32,850 We could put all our eggs in one basket. 117 00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:34,685 (cheering) 118 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,187 Shut up! 119 00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:37,814 I wasn't done yet. 120 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:40,441 I'm just saying, we could blow all our money 121 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,902 on a stupid little street, but-- 122 00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:45,822 (cheering) 123 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:48,032 Oh, I ain't fer it. 124 00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:49,659 I'm agin' it. 125 00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:52,620 ALL (chanting): Main Street! Main Street! Main Street! 126 00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:54,789 All those in favor of Grampa Simpson's plan 127 00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:56,916 for rebuilding Main Street, please-- 128 00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:58,418 (whistling) 129 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,920 You know, a town with money is a little like 130 00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:02,880 the mule with a spinning wheel. 131 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,382 No one knows how he got it, 132 00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:06,384 and danged if he knows how to use it. 133 00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,386 (laughter) 134 00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:10,221 Heh, heh... mule. 135 00:07:10,304 --> 00:07:13,224 The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley, 136 00:07:13,307 --> 00:07:15,184 and I come before you good people tonight 137 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,979 with an idea. Probably the greatest-- 138 00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:19,897 Oh, it's not for you. 139 00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:22,900 It's more of a Shelbyville idea. 140 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,986 Now, wait just a minute. 141 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:27,321 We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. 142 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:29,657 Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it. 143 00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:32,368 All right, I tell you what I'll do. 144 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,745 I'll show you my idea. 145 00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:38,374 I give you the Springfield monorail. 146 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,834 (all gasping) 147 00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:42,462 I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, 148 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:43,921 and North Haverbrook. 149 00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,632 {\an8}And by gum, it put them on the map. 150 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,384 Well, sir, there's nothing on earth 151 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,262 like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail. 152 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:53,055 -What I say? -Monorail! 153 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,891 -What's it called? -BOTH: Monorail. 154 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,893 That's right, monorail! 155 00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:59,020 ALL (chanting): Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! 156 00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:01,898 ♪ I hear those things are awfully loud ♪ 157 00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,066 ♪ It glides as softly as a cloud ♪ 158 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,027 ♪ Is there a chance the track could bend? ♪ 159 00:08:06,110 --> 00:08:08,029 ♪ Not on your life, my Hindu friend ♪ 160 00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:10,072 ♪ What about us brain-dead slobs? ♪ 161 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,908 ♪ You'll be given cushy jobs ♪ 162 00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,951 ♪ Were you sent here by the devil? ♪ 163 00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:16,078 ♪ No, good sir, I'm on the level ♪ 164 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:17,830 ♪ The ring came off my pudding can ♪ 165 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,916 ♪ Take my penknife, my good man ♪ 166 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,751 ♪ I swear it's Springfield's only choice ♪ 167 00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:23,669 ♪ Throw up your hands and raise your voice ♪ 168 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:24,837 ALL: ♪ Monorail! ♪ 169 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,172 ♪ What's it called? ♪ 170 00:08:26,255 --> 00:08:27,173 ALL: ♪ Monorail! ♪ 171 00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:28,174 ♪ Once again ♪ 172 00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:29,759 ALL: ♪ Monorail! ♪ 173 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:34,138 ♪ But Main Street's still all cracked and broken ♪ 174 00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,265 ♪ Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken ♪ 175 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,100 ALL: ♪ Monorail ♪ 176 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,186 ♪ Monorail ♪ 177 00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:43,022 ♪ Monorail ♪ 178 00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:44,690 ALL: Monorail! 179 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:45,608 Mono-- 180 00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:46,567 D'oh! 181 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,324 (chanting) Monorail, monorail, monorail. 182 00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:54,742 I still think we should have spent the money 183 00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,410 to fix Main Street. 184 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,579 Well, you should have written a song like that guy. 185 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,206 (grumbles) 186 00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:02,166 Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. 187 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,417 I'm Miss Hoover. 188 00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:04,502 Miss Hoover? 189 00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:05,962 That is hard to believe. 190 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,547 Oh, you. 191 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,507 Now I'm here to answer any questions 192 00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:11,050 you children may have about the monorail. 193 00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:12,385 CHILDREN: Me! Me! Me! 194 00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,804 -Can it outrun The Flash? -You bet. 195 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:16,973 Can Superman outrun The Flash? 196 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,975 Uh... sure. Why not? 197 00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:20,893 Hello, little girl. Wondering if your dolly 198 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,979 can ride the monorail for free? 199 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,815 Hardly. I'd like you to explain why we should build 200 00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,900 a mass transit system in a small town 201 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,986 with a centralized population. 202 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:31,654 (laughs) Young lady, 203 00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:33,322 that's the most intelligent question 204 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,575 -I've ever been asked. -Really? 205 00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:37,034 Oh, I could give you an answer, 206 00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,494 but the only ones who'd understand it 207 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,037 would be you and me, 208 00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,081 and that includes your teacher. 209 00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:44,083 (giggling) 210 00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,209 Next question. 211 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,211 You there, eating the paste. 212 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:49,463 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: Coming soon, it's "Truckasaurus: The Movie." 213 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,382 {\an8}Starring Marlon Brando 214 00:09:51,465 --> 00:09:53,092 as the voice of John Truckasaurus. 215 00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:54,969 BRANDO: You crazy car. 216 00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:59,098 I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you. 217 00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:00,850 ANNOUNCER: Celebrity voice impersonated. 218 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,437 -LANLEY: Are you stuck in a dead-end job? -Maybe. 219 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,564 Are you squandering the precious gift of life 220 00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:08,816 -in front of the idiot box? -What's it to you? 221 00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:10,735 Are you on your third beer of the evening? 222 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,070 Does whiskey count as beer? 223 00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:14,989 Well, maybe it's time you joined the exciting field 224 00:10:15,072 --> 00:10:16,866 of monorail conducting 225 00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:19,577 by enrolling at the Lanley Institute. 226 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:22,121 ANNOUNCER: Actual institute may not match photo. 227 00:10:22,204 --> 00:10:24,165 Marge, I want to be a monorail conductor. 228 00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:25,666 Homer, no. 229 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,335 It's my lifelong dream. 230 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,128 Your lifelong dream 231 00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:30,671 was to run out on the field during a baseball game, 232 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,423 and you did it last year, remember? 233 00:10:35,843 --> 00:10:37,720 Oh, yeah. 234 00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:40,431 LANLEY: Good evening. 235 00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:42,266 Before we begin, 236 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,018 is anyone here an investigative reporter? 237 00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:45,603 I am and she is. 238 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,521 Well, I'd like you to please leave. 239 00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:48,939 Should we take our hidden camera? 240 00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:51,275 -Would you? -Let's go, Phil. 241 00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:54,987 "True or false: 242 00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:57,573 You can get mono from riding the monorail." 243 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,241 Mmm... false. 244 00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,077 No, wait. Maybe it's true. 245 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,828 No, you were right. It's false. 246 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,830 Wow, you really are gonna be 247 00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,123 a monorail conductor. 248 00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:07,583 That's right, boy. 249 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,710 You know, I used to think you were stuck 250 00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,671 in an emasculating, go-nowhere job. 251 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:12,880 (chuckles) Kids. 252 00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:15,966 But now, I want to follow in your footsteps. 253 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,219 Do you want to change your name to Homer, Junior? 254 00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:20,513 The kids can call you Hoju. 255 00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:22,431 I'll get back to you. 256 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,642 Come on, keep it coming. 257 00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:25,726 Over. 258 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,269 Over. 259 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,271 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 260 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,606 Hi, Homer! 261 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:36,028 Oh, I hate that sound. 262 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,072 According to this book, the monorail goes 263 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:39,865 over 150 miles an hour. 264 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,200 What if something goes wrong? 265 00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:42,368 What if? 266 00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:44,412 What if I'm taking a shower 267 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:45,913 and I slip on a bar of soap? 268 00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,790 Oh, my God, I'd be killed! 269 00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:49,375 It frightens me that you want to work 270 00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:51,168 on something that's so unsafe. 271 00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:54,213 We monorail conductors are a crazy breed-- 272 00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:55,673 half in love with death, 273 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:58,551 gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts. 274 00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,970 Am I turning you on? 275 00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:03,139 -No. -What if I undo this button? 276 00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:04,432 Good night, Homer. 277 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:07,143 (deepens voice) What if I talk like this? 278 00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,437 What if I sing to you? 279 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:15,359 ♪ I gave my love a chicken that had no bone... ♪ 280 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:18,696 Mmm, chicken. (licking lips) 281 00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:21,782 So, then, mono means "one," 282 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,784 and rail means "rail," 283 00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:26,871 and that concludes our intensive three-week course. 284 00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,247 Hey, wait, man! 285 00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,790 Who gets to be conductor? 286 00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,417 Oh, right, that. 287 00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:34,503 Well, I've been monitoring your progress closely, 288 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,881 but this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest. 289 00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:38,048 Who, me? 290 00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,009 -Yeah, sure. -Woo-hoo! 291 00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,719 After an exhaustive search, 292 00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:44,221 Springfield has found its monorail conductor-- 293 00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:46,849 {\an8}Homer Simpson. 294 00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:50,603 This is the snack holder 295 00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:54,148 where I can put my beverage, or, if you will, cupcake. 296 00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:56,859 Wow, Dad, you really know your monorails. 297 00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:00,404 (hissing) 298 00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:03,365 Homer, there's a family of possums in here. 299 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,367 I call the big one Bitey. 300 00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,995 Mmm. I'm going to see Mr. Lanley. 301 00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:13,501 Mr. Lanley? Mr. Lanley? 302 00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:27,389 (gasps) Oh! 303 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:28,474 How much did you see? 304 00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:30,643 Uh... nothing incriminating. 305 00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:33,646 -Good. -Well, bye. 306 00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:36,690 I don't know why I leave this lying around. 307 00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:39,819 I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, 308 00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,737 and North Haverbrook. 309 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,114 Is there a chance the track could bend? 310 00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:46,367 I call the big one Bitey. 311 00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:48,494 I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, 312 00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:50,287 and North Haverbrook. 313 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,581 Is there a chance the track could bend? 314 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,793 I call the big one Bitey. 315 00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:09,765 (cackling laughter) 316 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,185 WOMAN: Go away. 317 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,646 There ain't no monorail, and there never was. 318 00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:21,902 (screams) 319 00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:23,112 Excuse me, miss. 320 00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:24,989 You asked about the monorail? 321 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,156 Who are you? 322 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,325 My name is Sebastian Cobb. 323 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:31,412 Lanley hired me to build his monorail. 324 00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:32,955 He cut corners everywhere-- 325 00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:34,540 bad wiring, faulty brakes, 326 00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,918 and the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher. 327 00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,046 This is all that's left 328 00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:44,466 of one of the crappiest trains ever built. 329 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,219 Mr. Cobb, what can we do? 330 00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,847 You just better have a damn good conductor. 331 00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:52,850 I locked my keys in there. 332 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:53,809 Get a rock. 333 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:02,401 Ladies and gentlemen, nothing brings out the stars 334 00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:04,904 like the maiden voyage of a monorail. 335 00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,655 Everyone's here-- 336 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:09,950 from recently-outed leading man Dash Calhoun 337 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,619 to Krusty the Clown. 338 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:12,912 Hey, hey! 339 00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:14,538 Krusty, why won't you answer my calls? 340 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,624 You've never even seen our son. 341 00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:19,335 (babbling) 342 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,754 Here's one of those lovable high schoolers 343 00:15:21,837 --> 00:15:24,465 from TV's "Springfield Heights, 90210." 344 00:15:24,548 --> 00:15:26,926 He's cool. He's sexy. 345 00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,302 He's 34 years old. 346 00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:30,304 Let's hear it for Kyle Derin. 347 00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:31,764 (women screaming) 348 00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:33,849 And here's country singing sensation 349 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,601 Lurline Lumpkin, 350 00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:38,938 fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford Clinic. 351 00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:40,397 (crowd cheering) 352 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,524 What you been up to, Lurline? 353 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,902 I spent last night in a ditch. 354 00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:46,779 How about that, folks? 355 00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:50,115 Now I'd like to turn things over to our grand marshal, 356 00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,992 Mr. Leonard Nimoy. 357 00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:55,621 Heh heh. I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five. 358 00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:57,289 (laughter) 359 00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,291 And let me say, 360 00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:01,919 "May the force be with you." 361 00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:03,462 Do you even know who I am? 362 00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:04,922 I think I do. 363 00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:06,924 Weren't you one of the Little Rascals? 364 00:16:09,593 --> 00:16:11,095 Mr. Lanley! 365 00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:13,263 Aren't you gonna ride the monorail? 366 00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:16,100 Little lady, I'd love to, but I have to catch a plane. 367 00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:17,768 But the ride only takes a minute. 368 00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:19,853 Yeah, well, my plane leaves in less than one minute. 369 00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,404 All aboard! 370 00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:37,204 (electricity crackling) 371 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,461 We're too late! 372 00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:47,381 I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry. 373 00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:51,218 (jazzy lounge music playing) 374 00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:58,600 Actually, you see, the doors on "Star Trek" were not mechanical. 375 00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:00,728 We had a stagehand on either side 376 00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:03,439 who would pull the door open when he saw you approach. 377 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,898 Uh-huh. 378 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,359 Stick your head out the window, boy. 379 00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:08,777 It's the greatest. 380 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,446 Yee-ha! 381 00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:16,785 BOTH: Aah! 382 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,621 (alarm blaring) 383 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:31,842 Can't you stop it, Dad? 384 00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:33,052 I'm trying my best. 385 00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:34,470 (electronic tones) 386 00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:35,888 WOMAN'S VOICE: The lever you have pulled-- 387 00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:38,515 "brakes"-- is not in service. 388 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:39,892 Please make a note of it. 389 00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:41,852 How fast are they going? 390 00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:43,520 (Homer screams) 391 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,898 Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, 392 00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:48,108 -180 miles an hour. -HOMER: Yee! 393 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,570 (distant shouting) 394 00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:53,739 Ugh. It's making me dizzy. 395 00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:55,324 I'm gonna take a nap. 396 00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:56,617 All right, I'm in charge here. 397 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,118 Oh, run along, Quimby. 398 00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,662 I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. 399 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,623 Watch it, you talking tub of doughnut batter. 400 00:18:02,706 --> 00:18:04,625 Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. 401 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,543 You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass. 402 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:09,379 Now beat it. I'm calling the shots. 403 00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:12,424 I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain. 404 00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:16,136 The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show. 405 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,429 Well, we'll just see about that. 406 00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:18,889 Let's go to town hall. 407 00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:20,390 Fine! 408 00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,893 Should we take one car or should I follow you? 409 00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:24,353 (screaming) 410 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:26,647 Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable, 411 00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:28,607 I'm supposed to get a pig every month. 412 00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:32,069 "...and two comely lasses of virtue true." 413 00:18:32,152 --> 00:18:33,195 QUIMBY: Keep the pig. 414 00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:34,696 How many broads do I get? Hey. 415 00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:36,615 Hey! Hey, let go, you're ripping it! 416 00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:38,033 -No, you are! -No, you are! 417 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,910 Let go. That's the charter. 418 00:18:39,993 --> 00:18:40,953 (screaming) 419 00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,454 Wait a minute. 420 00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:43,956 We can just shut off the power. 421 00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,332 No such luck. 422 00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:48,001 -It's solar-powered. -Solar power. 423 00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:49,503 When will people learn? 424 00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:56,593 A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on. 425 00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:58,345 Does anyone want to switch seats? 426 00:18:58,428 --> 00:19:01,306 (engine powering down) 427 00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:05,102 (cheering) 428 00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:07,312 I did it. 429 00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:11,400 D'oh! 430 00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,696 Folks, this is your captain speaking. 431 00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:17,281 Our non-stop flight to Tahiti 432 00:19:17,364 --> 00:19:19,116 will be making a brief layover 433 00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:20,742 in North Haverbrook. 434 00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:23,537 North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? 435 00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,414 Oh, no. Oh, no! 436 00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,666 There he is. Seat 3-F. 437 00:19:27,749 --> 00:19:29,209 (angry shouting) 438 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:32,337 -(angry shouting) -(Lanley grunting) 439 00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,593 Krusty wants out. 440 00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:41,638 No. 441 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,390 The world needs laughter. 442 00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:45,142 Are we gonna die, son? 443 00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:47,186 Yeah, but at least we'll take 444 00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:49,021 a lot of innocent people with us. 445 00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:50,731 MARGE: Homer? Homer? 446 00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:52,649 -Yello. -Homer, there's a man here 447 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,234 who thinks he can help you. 448 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,320 -Batman? -No. He's a scientist. 449 00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:57,404 Batman's a scientist. 450 00:19:57,487 --> 00:19:58,864 It's not Batman! 451 00:19:58,947 --> 00:20:01,241 I think I have a way to stop the train. 452 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:03,577 You need to find an anchor of some sort. 453 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:09,958 Think harder, Homer. 454 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:12,961 (gasps) 455 00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:19,593 I'll take that. 456 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,688 Uh, Dad... 457 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:32,648 (screams) 458 00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,998 Now, separating Siamese twins 459 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,668 is a long and costly procedure. 460 00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,135 Aargh! You call that an anchor? 461 00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:16,984 Huh? 462 00:21:18,193 --> 00:21:19,736 Donuts. 463 00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:22,155 Is there anything they can't do? 464 00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,533 Dad! You're a hero. 465 00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:26,118 Yes, son. 466 00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:29,079 I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was. 467 00:21:29,162 --> 00:21:31,081 (cheering) 468 00:21:31,164 --> 00:21:33,417 Well, my work is done here. 469 00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,544 What do you mean, your work is done? 470 00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:36,753 You didn't do anything. 471 00:21:36,837 --> 00:21:37,838 (chuckles) 472 00:21:37,921 --> 00:21:39,923 Didn't I? 473 00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:46,013 MARGE: And that was the only folly 474 00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:50,058 the people of Springfield ever embarked upon... 475 00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:53,186 except for the popsicle-stick skyscraper... 476 00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:57,691 and the 50-foot magnifying glass... 477 00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:01,528 and that escalator to nowhere. 478 00:22:01,611 --> 00:22:02,487 Whoa! 479 00:22:03,530 --> 00:22:04,489 Wha! 480 00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:07,826 Aah! 481 00:22:07,909 --> 00:22:09,202 {\an8}MAN: Whoa! 482 00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:10,078 {\an8}WOMAN: Aah! 483 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:12,998 ♪♪ 484 00:22:56,958 --> 00:22:58,085 Shh. 485 00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:03,840 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.