♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
♪♪ ("The Flintstones" theme)
(whistle blowing)
Yabba dabba doo!
♪ Simpson, Homer Simpson ♪
♪ He's the greatest guy in history ♪
♪ From the town of Springfield ♪
♪ He's about to hit a chestnut tree ♪
Aah!
What do they do with these after we seal them?
I hear they dump 'em in an abandoned chalk mine
and cover 'em with cement.
I hear they're sending them to one of those southern states
where the governor's a crook.
Either way, I'm sleeping good tonight.
Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch?
-The playground? -No.
All those bald children are arousing suspicion.
To the park!
(Smithers and Burns straining)
I think it's full, sir.
That's ridiculous.
The last tree held nine drums.
(chittering)
Agent Malone, Environmental Protection Agency.
Some Boy Scouts stumbled on your little game
of "hide the ooze."
JUDGE: Mr. Burns,
in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life,
this court fines you $3 million.
Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.
Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice, too.
Sold!
(chuckling)
Oh, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
Heh heh heh heh.
Ooh, there's going to be a town meeting
to decide how to spend Mr. Burns' money.
Oh, what a boon it could be
for our underfunded public schools.
Children, it's time for your history lesson.
Put on your virtual reality helmets.
Mmm, excellent.
Hello, Lisa.
I'm Genghis Khan.
You'll go where I go,
defile what I defile,
eat who I eat, hmm?
Come on, Lis, we both know how this money should--
nay, must be spent.
(electronic beeping)
Gaa! Oh...
Bart, we'll do anything you want.
Just call off your giant mechanical ants.
Whoa!
(evil laughter)
Well, I think we should spend the money on something
the whole town can be proud of.
Like a giant billboard that says, "No fat chicks"?
No.
Ooh, it looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this.
-(glass breaking, alarms ringing) -Ha ha!
Could this town be any stupider?
Order. Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
Get to the money!
In a moment.
First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
-Get to the money! -Get to the money!
Get to the money!
Very well.
We will now hear suggestions
for the, uh, disbursement of the, uh, $2 million.
Don't you mean $3 million?
Of course. How silly of me.
Excuse me.
We could use the money to hire firemen
to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.
Boring!
Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub,
and I come from, uh... someplace far away.
Yes, that will do.
Anyway, I-- I say we invest that money
back in the nuclear plant.
I like the way Snrub thinks.
(grumbling)
Pardon me, but I would like to see this money
spent on more police officers.
I have been shot eight times this year,
and as a result, I almost missed work.
Crybaby!
My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea.
It may sound a little boring at first.
Chat away. I'll just amuse myself
with some pornographic playing cards.
Oh.
Well, surely you've all noticed
the terrible condition Main Street is in.
Many of us have destroyed it
by leaving winter chains on our tires
and carrying too much weight.
Woo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly.
MARGE: And those potholes are becoming a real nuisance.
Now hold on just one minute.
Sure, we could fix up Main Street.
We could put all our eggs in one basket.
(cheering)
Shut up!
I wasn't done yet.
I'm just saying, we could blow all our money
on a stupid little street, but--
(cheering)
Oh, I ain't fer it.
I'm agin' it.
ALL (chanting): Main Street! Main Street! Main Street!
All those in favor of Grampa Simpson's plan
for rebuilding Main Street, please--
(whistling)
You know, a town with money is a little like
the mule with a spinning wheel.
No one knows how he got it,
and danged if he knows how to use it.
(laughter)
Heh, heh... mule.
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley,
and I come before you good people tonight
with an idea. Probably the greatest--
Oh, it's not for you.
It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Now, wait just a minute.
We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville.
Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.
All right, I tell you what I'll do.
I'll show you my idea.
I give you the Springfield monorail.
(all gasping)
I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville,
and North Haverbrook.
And by gum, it put them on the map.
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail.
-What I say? -Monorail!
-What's it called? -BOTH: Monorail.
That's right, monorail!
ALL (chanting): Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!
♪ I hear those things are awfully loud ♪
♪ It glides as softly as a cloud ♪
♪ Is there a chance the track could bend? ♪
♪ Not on your life, my Hindu friend ♪
♪ What about us brain-dead slobs? ♪
♪ You'll be given cushy jobs ♪
♪ Were you sent here by the devil? ♪
♪ No, good sir, I'm on the level ♪
♪ The ring came off my pudding can ♪
♪ Take my penknife, my good man ♪
♪ I swear it's Springfield's only choice ♪
♪ Throw up your hands and raise your voice ♪
ALL: ♪ Monorail! ♪
♪ What's it called? ♪
ALL: ♪ Monorail! ♪
♪ Once again ♪
ALL: ♪ Monorail! ♪
♪ But Main Street's still all cracked and broken ♪
♪ Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken ♪
ALL: ♪ Monorail ♪
♪ Monorail ♪
ALL: Monorail!
Mono--
D'oh!
(chanting) Monorail, monorail, monorail.
I still think we should have spent the money
to fix Main Street.
Well, you should have written a song like that guy.
(grumbles)
Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley.
I'm Miss Hoover.
Miss Hoover?
That is hard to believe.
Oh, you.
Now I'm here to answer any questions
you children may have about the monorail.
CHILDREN: Me! Me! Me!
-Can it outrun The Flash? -You bet.
Can Superman outrun The Flash?
Uh... sure. Why not?
Hello, little girl. Wondering if your dolly
can ride the monorail for free?
Hardly. I'd like you to explain why we should build
a mass transit system in a small town
with a centralized population.
(laughs) Young lady,
that's the most intelligent question
-I've ever been asked. -Really?
Oh, I could give you an answer,
but the only ones who'd understand it
would be you and me,
and that includes your teacher.
(giggling)
Next question.
You there, eating the paste.
ANNOUNCER: Coming soon, it's "Truckasaurus: The Movie."
Starring Marlon Brando
as the voice of John Truckasaurus.
BRANDO: You crazy car.
I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.
ANNOUNCER: Celebrity voice impersonated.
-LANLEY: Are you stuck in a dead-end job? -Maybe.
Are you squandering the precious gift of life
-in front of the idiot box? -What's it to you?
Are you on your third beer of the evening?
Does whiskey count as beer?
Well, maybe it's time you joined the exciting field
of monorail conducting
by enrolling at the Lanley Institute.
ANNOUNCER: Actual institute may not match photo.
Marge, I want to be a monorail conductor.
Homer, no.
It's my lifelong dream.
Your lifelong dream
was to run out on the field during a baseball game,
and you did it last year, remember?
Oh, yeah.
LANLEY: Good evening.
Before we begin,
is anyone here an investigative reporter?
I am and she is.
Well, I'd like you to please leave.
Should we take our hidden camera?
-Would you? -Let's go, Phil.
"True or false:
You can get mono from riding the monorail."
Mmm... false.
No, wait. Maybe it's true.
No, you were right. It's false.
Wow, you really are gonna be
a monorail conductor.
That's right, boy.
You know, I used to think you were stuck
in an emasculating, go-nowhere job.
(chuckles) Kids.
But now, I want to follow in your footsteps.
Do you want to change your name to Homer, Junior?
The kids can call you Hoju.
I'll get back to you.
Come on, keep it coming.
Over.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Hi, Homer!
Oh, I hate that sound.
According to this book, the monorail goes
over 150 miles an hour.
What if something goes wrong?
What if?
What if I'm taking a shower
and I slip on a bar of soap?
Oh, my God, I'd be killed!
It frightens me that you want to work
on something that's so unsafe.
We monorail conductors are a crazy breed--
half in love with death,
gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts.
Am I turning you on?
-No. -What if I undo this button?
Good night, Homer.
(deepens voice) What if I talk like this?
What if I sing to you?
♪ I gave my love a chicken that had no bone... ♪
Mmm, chicken. (licking lips)
So, then, mono means "one,"
and rail means "rail,"
and that concludes our intensive three-week course.
Hey, wait, man!
Who gets to be conductor?
Oh, right, that.
Well, I've been monitoring your progress closely,
but this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest.
Who, me?
-Yeah, sure. -Woo-hoo!
After an exhaustive search,
Springfield has found its monorail conductor--
Homer Simpson.
This is the snack holder
where I can put my beverage, or, if you will, cupcake.
Wow, Dad, you really know your monorails.
(hissing)
Homer, there's a family of possums in here.
I call the big one Bitey.
Mmm. I'm going to see Mr. Lanley.
Mr. Lanley? Mr. Lanley?
(gasps) Oh!
How much did you see?
Uh... nothing incriminating.
-Good. -Well, bye.
I don't know why I leave this lying around.
I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville,
and North Haverbrook.
Is there a chance the track could bend?
I call the big one Bitey.
I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville,
and North Haverbrook.
Is there a chance the track could bend?
I call the big one Bitey.
(cackling laughter)
WOMAN: Go away.
There ain't no monorail, and there never was.
(screams)
Excuse me, miss.
You asked about the monorail?
Who are you?
My name is Sebastian Cobb.
Lanley hired me to build his monorail.
He cut corners everywhere--
bad wiring, faulty brakes,
and the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher.
This is all that's left
of one of the crappiest trains ever built.
Mr. Cobb, what can we do?
You just better have a damn good conductor.
I locked my keys in there.
Get a rock.
Ladies and gentlemen, nothing brings out the stars
like the maiden voyage of a monorail.
Everyone's here--
from recently-outed leading man Dash Calhoun
to Krusty the Clown.
Hey, hey!
Krusty, why won't you answer my calls?
You've never even seen our son.
(babbling)
Here's one of those lovable high schoolers
from TV's "Springfield Heights, 90210."
He's cool. He's sexy.
He's 34 years old.
Let's hear it for Kyle Derin.
(women screaming)
And here's country singing sensation
Lurline Lumpkin,
fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford Clinic.
(crowd cheering)
What you been up to, Lurline?
I spent last night in a ditch.
How about that, folks?
Now I'd like to turn things over to our grand marshal,
Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
Heh heh. I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five.
(laughter)
And let me say,
"May the force be with you."
Do you even know who I am?
I think I do.
Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
Mr. Lanley!
Aren't you gonna ride the monorail?
Little lady, I'd love to, but I have to catch a plane.
But the ride only takes a minute.
Yeah, well, my plane leaves in less than one minute.
All aboard!
(electricity crackling)
We're too late!
I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.
(jazzy lounge music playing)
Actually, you see, the doors on "Star Trek" were not mechanical.
We had a stagehand on either side
who would pull the door open when he saw you approach.
Uh-huh.
Stick your head out the window, boy.
It's the greatest.
Yee-ha!
BOTH: Aah!
(alarm blaring)
Can't you stop it, Dad?
I'm trying my best.
(electronic tones)
WOMAN'S VOICE: The lever you have pulled--
"brakes"-- is not in service.
Please make a note of it.
How fast are they going?
(Homer screams)
Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream,
-180 miles an hour. -HOMER: Yee!
(distant shouting)
Ugh. It's making me dizzy.
I'm gonna take a nap.
All right, I'm in charge here.
Oh, run along, Quimby.
I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
Watch it, you talking tub of doughnut batter.
Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass.
Now beat it. I'm calling the shots.
I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain.
The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show.
Well, we'll just see about that.
Let's go to town hall.
Fine!
Should we take one car or should I follow you?
(screaming)
Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable,
I'm supposed to get a pig every month.
"...and two comely lasses of virtue true."
QUIMBY: Keep the pig.
How many broads do I get? Hey.
Hey! Hey, let go, you're ripping it!
-No, you are! -No, you are!
Let go. That's the charter.
(screaming)
Wait a minute.
We can just shut off the power.
No such luck.
-It's solar-powered. -Solar power.
When will people learn?
A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.
Does anyone want to switch seats?
(engine powering down)
(cheering)
I did it.
D'oh!
Folks, this is your captain speaking.
Our non-stop flight to Tahiti
will be making a brief layover
in North Haverbrook.
North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before?
Oh, no. Oh, no!
There he is. Seat 3-F.
(angry shouting)
-(angry shouting) -(Lanley grunting)
Krusty wants out.
No.
The world needs laughter.
Are we gonna die, son?
Yeah, but at least we'll take
a lot of innocent people with us.
MARGE: Homer? Homer?
-Yello. -Homer, there's a man here
who thinks he can help you.
-Batman? -No. He's a scientist.
Batman's a scientist.
It's not Batman!
I think I have a way to stop the train.
You need to find an anchor of some sort.
Think harder, Homer.
(gasps)
I'll take that.
Uh, Dad...
(screams)
Now, separating Siamese twins
is a long and costly procedure.
Aargh! You call that an anchor?
Huh?
Donuts.
Is there anything they can't do?
Dad! You're a hero.
Yes, son.
I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.
(cheering)
Well, my work is done here.
What do you mean, your work is done?
You didn't do anything.
(chuckles)
Didn't I?
MARGE: And that was the only folly
the people of Springfield ever embarked upon...
except for the popsicle-stick skyscraper...
and the 50-foot magnifying glass...
and that escalator to nowhere.
Whoa!
Wha!
Aah!
MAN: Whoa!
WOMAN: Aah!
♪♪
Shh.
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.