♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
Eye of the tiger, Bart!
Eye of the-- Ooh!
I stopped it.
And I hurt somebody. Ha-ha!
Boys, it wasn't easy choosing only one of you
for the free week at Pele soccer and acting camp.
Let's all congratulate... Nelson.
(scattered applause)
Thanks, Dad.
Told ya!
Come on, Bart.
We're going to go sneak into an R-rated movie.
It's called "Barton Fink."
I can't. I told my dad I'd wait for him.
TOGETHER: "Barton Fink!"
"Barton Fink!" "Barton Fink!"
(wind blowing)
Homer, we're going to my sister's.
Remember, pick up Bart.
I'm on my way.
(studio audience applause)
(chuckling) What did you say, Marge?
(moans)
That could be Dad.
Station wagon, luggage rack...
♪ I am woman, hear me roar ♪
♪ In numbers too big to ignore ♪
♪ And I know too much to go back to pretend ♪
(thunder crashes)
(grunts)
Dad, where are you?
Tonight on "Wings"--
Ah, who cares?
(shivers)
This isn't funny!
Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson.
Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart.
Trab pu kcip. Trab pu kcip.
What have we told you about writing on the walls?
Go to your room!
ANNOUNCER: After 16 glorious seasons,
the Green Bay faithful
bid farewell to Bryan Bartlett starr.
Hmm. I keep thinking I'm forgetting something.
CROWD (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart!
(barking) Bart! Bart!
Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart!
Bart!
(belching) Bart!
I can't think with all this noise.
What am I supposed to do?
(voice) Pick up Bart.
Pick a bar?
What the hell is "Pick a bar"?
(snoring)
Bart! Bart!
(gasping)
Why?!
How?!
When?!
Which?!
Bart!
Dad, hide your shame!
NED: Hey, Homey, I can see your doodle.
HOMER: Shut up, Flanders.
Hey, boy. How was soccer practice?
Hey, Bart.
Son?
Here's my way of saying I'm sorry.
Eew!
I know you're mad at me right now,
and I'm kind of mad too.
I mean, we could sit here
and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who
till the cows come home,
but let's just say we're both wrong
and that'll be that.
Now, how about a hug?
KRUSTY: Hello, New York.
(applause)
When Lorne asked me to host this show,
I said, "Lorne, why me?"
(chuckling)
I mean, I did just star in my first movie
with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine.
Yeah!
(quiet coughing)
Anyway, we got a great show for you.
Well, actually, the last half hour
is a real garbage dump.
We'll be right back.
(playing rock 'n' roll)
I miss Joe Piscopo.
MAN: Lost your dad?
Uh-huh.
He's not coming back, is he?
He might.
No, he's not,
but at Bigger Brothers, we can help.
Hello, Bigger Brothers?
My name is Bart Simpson,
and I don't have a father.
And now it's time for another episode
of "The Big Ear Family."
Honey, I'm home!
Oh, I got wax in my ears.
Better clean 'em.
Huh? Huh?
(coughing)
Oh, this goes on for 12 more minutes.
So the last time you saw your father
was six years ago?
Yeah. He left me out on the curb for the ashman.
What a revoltin' development.
You brave little soldier.
I've been saving someone special
for a case like yours.
(all gasp)
Bart Simpson?
Yo.
I'm Tom. Let's ride.
Whoa.
Bart's dad has really pulled himself together.
Bart's not mad at me.
He called you a bad father.
Marge, when kids these days say bad, they mean good,
and to shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt.
Permit me to demonstrate.
No. I just think you should talk to Bart about--
Good lord!
Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill?
Oh, it's that record club.
The first nine were only a penny.
Then they jacked up the price.
(sobbing)
It's not fair.
It's not fair, I tells you.
No, no. Someone made
$300 worth of phone calls to something called
"The Corey Hotline."
Wasn't me.
(gasps)
Lisa!
Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa?
I did.
-Dad, can I-- -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aw, honey, I know what you're going through.
When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman.
(laughing)
The point is,
I want you to stop making these calls.
All right, Mom.
I promise you will never be billed for another call.
(giggling)
Bobby Sherman?
(groans)
ALL: Charge!
Your dad ever take you to baseball games?
Nah. His game was blackjack.
He bet our life savings on a single hand.
-Nineteen. -Hit me.
-Twenty. -Hit me.
-Twenty-one. -Hit me.
-Twenty-two. -D'oh!
If I ever meet your dad...
ANNOUNCER: The start of the game will be delayed
so we can introduce the recruiter
for the Springfield Communist Party.
(crowd booing)
Well, this is better than dart day.
Now, you just let those ear drops sit
for about 20 minutes.
If you get bored, here's a MASH coloring book.
Here's a good one.
"Hawkeye's antics irritate the other surgeons."
(chuckling)
Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline.
$4.95 a minute.
Here are some words that rhyme with Corey:
Glory, story...
-(sighs) -... allegory, Montessori...
(grunting)
Okay, Bart, tomorrow we'll blast your quads.
This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy.
That's not meatball soup.
That's my collection of furballs in stomach acid.
(siren screeching)
You idiot!
You're trying to kill me, man!
Someday I want to be an F-14 pilot,
like my hero, Tom.
He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
(choking and sputtering)
(kids applauding)
He's not dead, is he, Bart?
Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while.
Very good, Bart.
-Thank you. -Oh, don't thank me.
Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup.
Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
Uh, I have a horsey.
(feeble neighing imitation)
Wuss!
Lisa, I'm glad you came.
I know you young'uns think we old-timers aren't any fun,
but we'll show them.
We'll show them all!
(laughing)
(snoring)
(gasps)
Hi, this is Corey.
I hope you and I can get married someday.
Hey, boy, where you going?
Father-son picnic.
Have a good time.
Hey, wait a minute.
Lisa, I know I can trust you
to inventory this glee club peanut brittle.
Yes, Principal Skinner.
Now, I've got to slash 40% out of the budget.
So long... doo-doo-doo- doo-doo-doo...
Science.
Ah, music and art.
(phone dialing)
What in blazes?
(beeping and ringing)
Good lord.
That's a 900 number.
COREY: Let's see what's in the newspaper today.
-(paper rustling) -Hmm...
"Canada stalls on trade pact."
(phone disconnects)
(gasps)
Hey, look at that forest fire down there.
-Yeah, great. -What's the matter?
Well, I've been thinking. You've been really great to me,
but there's probably some other kid
who needs you even more.
Bart, I could kiss you,
if the bigger brothers hadn't made me sign a form
promising I wouldn't.
No one needs me more
than a child with your tragic upbringing.
Now, let's set down at that frogurt stand.
So, that's it.
Hello, son.
Where have you been?
Playing with Milhouse.
No, you haven't.
You've been out gallivanting around
with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours,
haven't you? Haven't you?
Look at me.
Dad, it just kind of happened.
You're taking this too hard.
How would you like me to take it?
"Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun.
I'll be waiting for you."
I'm sorry, I can't do it.
Well, what are you going to do?
Oh, you'll see.
And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?
(thinking) Don't say revenge, don't say revenge.
Uh... revenge?
(thinking) That's it. I'm getting out of here.
(running footsteps and door slamming)
Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson.
Any of these boys would be thrilled
to have a bigger brother like you.
Ugly, wiener, crater-face.
Sooey! Sooey!
Eh, maybe this was a mistake.
Do you have a bigger brother for me yet?
Okay, I'll be back in an hour.
(crying)
I'll take him.
Do you have him in blond?
Lisa, the only way you'll lick this is one day at a time.
If you can make it to midnight without calling the Corey line,
you'll know you've beaten it forever.
LISA: Midnight?
Listen to your mother, Lisa.
I owe everything I have to my mother's watchful eye
and swift hand.
Oh, there's mother now...
-(crow cawing) -...watching me.
What's that, mother?
They have a right to be here.
It's school business. I--
Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore.
I think we should go.
Uh-huh.
-(siren wailing) -(distant gunshots)
(snoring)
Heh heh heh. Just like Oscar the Grouch.
-Pepe! -Papa Homer!
Son, your life is going to get better starting now.
(clunk) Oh!
Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Oh, he is.
Son, I just want you to know I love you very much.
Shut up!
Mmm, grapefruit.
I just press this button and the door opens like magic.
Why does it stop there?
Because it's a stupid piece of junk!
Bart! Bart! Aah!
Well, I'd better get you home.
What's the matter?
I've spent every night of my life in the city.
I have never seen the stars.
PEPE: Tell me more.
I want to know all the constellations.
Well, there's...
Jerry the Cowboy.
And that big dipper-looking thing
is Alan... the Cowboy.
Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learn-ed.
(chuckles) Learned, son.
It's pronounced "Learned."
I love you, Papa Homer.
I love you too, Pepsi.
-Pepe. -Pepe.
(thinking) Got to make it till midnight.
Got to make it till midnight.
(ringing)
(ticking)
(knitting needles clicking)
(ticking, clicking and ringing grow louder)
Must you be forever dialing that phone?!
Excuse me.
Oh, come on.
Hurry.
Lisa?
Oh, Lisa.
You tried your best.
At the tone, the time will be 12:00 midnight.
(tone)
I made it.
♪ ...and Scratchy show ♪
(screams)
Hey, Homer, have you seen my skateboard?
I gave it to Pepe.
Who the hell is Pepe?
He's my little brother.
That's right. You're not the only one
who can abuse a nonprofit organization.
Who needs you? Tom's a better father than you ever were.
Come on, Bart, we had our fun.
Remember when I used to push you on the swing?
I was faking it.
(gasps) Liar!
Oh, yeah? Remember this?
Higher, Dad, higher.
-Whee! -Hey!
-Stop that! -Push harder Dad, c'mon.
-Higher, higher, faster! -Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!
You know, the whale is not really a fish.
They're mammals, like you and me.
Is that true?
Pfft. No.
(dolphin squealing)
Whoo! Heh heh heh!
Come and get it.
Whoo! Heh heh heh!
Come and get it.
Whoo! Heh heh heh!
Stupid dolphin.
Hey! Hey!
(dolphin squealing)
HOMER: He got my hot dog!
(Homer grunting)
Uh-oh, better not let him see me.
What the--
Oh, it's you.
So...
you're looking well.
Come on, Bart,
you know better than to talk to strangers.
For your information, I'm his father.
His father?
The drunken gambler?
That's right, and who might you be?
Hi-yah!
(karate yells)
There you go, fellas.
D'oh!
Look, there's another disadvantaged boy.
Where?
Grr.
There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, chief.
Do they still sell those frozen bananas?
-I think so. -Let's roll.
This just in.
A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield.
Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary,
that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.
Do we have a source on this?
Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys.
All right, I could use some names.
I.P. Freely. L-- Oh!
(punch landing)
(grunting wildly)
(glass shattering)
(Homer grunting, glass shattering)
Uh, Homer?
Oh, right.
(echoed screaming)
(screaming grows louder)
(crack)
This is even more painful than it looks.
This is all my fault, Dad.
I didn't want you to get hurt.
Now I need to find another little brother.
And I need to find another big brother.
My car's going to feel so empty on the ride home.
And me, I have no ride at all.
I already bought a giant ham for dinner.
It's gonna go to waste.
Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry.
-Well, good-bye. -Well, good-bye.
Wait, I've got an idea.
-An idea? -Huh?
BART: Another beer, Dad?
Thanks, son.
Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock,
and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac"?
And when he let you go, you kicked him in the back?
(chuckles) Yeah.
Will you teach me how to do that.
Sure, boy.
First, you've got to shriek like a woman
and keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust.
That's when it's time to kick some back.
HOMER: And then when he's lying out on the ground...
-BART: Yeah? -...kick him in the ribs...
-BART: Yeah? -...and step on his neck.
-BART: Yeah? -HOMER: And run like hell.
(both laughing)
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.