1
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922
{\an8}<i>♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:10,010
(bell rings)

3
00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:14,305
(work whistle blows)

4
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-(sucking)
-(register beeping)

5
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(jazzy solo)

6
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(tires screech)

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D'oh!

8
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-Aah!
-(tires screech)

9
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:56,848
{\an8}Well, Edna, for a school
with no Asian kids,

10
00:00:56,931 --> 00:01:01,019
{\an8}I think we put on a pretty
darn good science fair.

11
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{\an8}Go-go ray?

12
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{\an8}Allow me to demonstrate.

13
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{\an8}Dah!

14
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{\an8}What the...

15
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{\an8}(laughing)

16
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{\an8}Ahh!

17
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{\an8}Can't... stop... doing...
The Monkey.

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{\an8}(go-go music playing)

19
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{\an8}(laughing)

20
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{\an8}I'm disrupting
the learning process,

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{\an8}and I love it!
(laughs)

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{\an8}First prize.
First prize.

23
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{\an8}LISA: First prize.

24
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{\an8}First prize.
First prize.

25
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{\an8}Why are you saying that?

26
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{\an8}Just screwing
with your mind.

27
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{\an8}(chuckling)

28
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{\an8}Homer, I want you

29
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{\an8}to encourage Lisa
with her science fair project.

30
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{\an8}Yeah, syrup is better
than jelly.

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I've grown
a futuristic tomato

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by fertilizing it
with anabolic steroids.

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The kind that help
our Olympic athletes

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reach new peaks of excellence?

35
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The very same.

36
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I think this tomato
could wipe out world hunger.

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More tomato?

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CHILDREN:
Yes, please.

39
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Where's your science
fair project, boy?

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I thought I'd investigate
the effects

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of cigarette smoking on dogs.

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(coughing)

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(barks weakly)

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Bart, don't give
the dog cigarettes.

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(yawns)

46
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Well...

47
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time to go to work.

48
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{\an8}<i>Little do they know</i>
<i>I'm ducking out early</i>

49
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{\an8}<i>to take the Duff Brewery tour.</i>

50
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Roll in at 9:00,
punch out at 5:00.

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That's the plan.

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{\an8}<i>(chuckles)</i>

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{\an8}<i>They don't suspect a thing.</i>

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{\an8}<i>Well, off to the plant.</i>

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Then to the Duff Brewery.

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{\an8}<i>Uh-oh.</i>

57
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{\an8}<i>Did I say that</i>
<i>or just think it?</i>

58
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I got to think of a lie fast.

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Homer, are you going
to the Duff Brewery?

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Aah!

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"If the plant ye wish to flee,

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go to sector 7-B."

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(screams)

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(hisses)

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"To overcome
the spider's curse,

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00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,784
simply quote a bible verse."

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Uh... thou shalt not...

68
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Oh...

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00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:33,296
Hey, that looks
like Princess Di.

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(hard thud)

71
00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:37,592
Aw, wait, it's just
a pile of rags.

72
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Oh, Bart, I forgot
my math book.

73
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Would you hold
this for me, please?

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00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:44,474
(as Curly)
Soitenly.

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Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

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(humming)

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Whoop. Shoe's untied.

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Over, under,
in and out.

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That's what shoe
tying's all about.

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(humming)

81
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:07,288
Huh?

82
00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:11,876
Noooo!

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00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,761
(laughter)

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Bart!

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(burping)

86
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Welcome to the Duff brewery.

87
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Now I'm sure all of you
have heard the rumors

88
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that a batch of Duff
was contaminated

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with strychnine.

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GROUP:
Strychnine?

91
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That's news to me.

92
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Are you sure?

93
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Well, everyone's
talking about it.

94
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,910
It was even on CNN
last night.

95
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:46,911
CNN?

96
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,538
Oh...

97
00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:49,956
Well, it's not true.
Let's go!

98
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Now here's one of our favorite
Duff Beer commercials

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00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,674
from the early 1950s.

100
00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:03,928
<i>Only Duff fills your Q-zone</i>
<i>with pure beer goodness.</i>

101
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<i>So drink up...</i>

102
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:07,932
<i>and up...</i>

103
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:08,891
<i>and up.</i>

104
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:13,771
{\an8}<i>Duff Beer,</i>

105
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:16,190
{\an8}<i>Proud sponsors of</i>
<i>"Amos 'n' Andy."</i>

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00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,526
We're proud of all
of our Duff commercials,

107
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:21,946
but here's a very special
one from 1960.

108
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<i>Well, I would suggest,</i>
<i>Mr. Vanocur,</i>

109
00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:26,284
<i>that if you knew</i>
<i>the president,</i>

110
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:29,162
<i>that that was probably</i>
<i>just a facetious remark.</i>

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<i>ANNOUNCER: And now</i>
<i>a word from our sponsor.</i>

112
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<i>I would like to take</i>
<i>this opportunity</i>

113
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<i>to express my fondness</i>
<i>for Duff Beer.</i>

114
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<i>(crowd cheering)</i>

115
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,549
<i>I'd also like</i>
<i>to express my fondness</i>

116
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<i>for that particular beer.</i>

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<i>(crowd murmuring)</i>

118
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The man never drank
a Duff in his life.

119
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,725
And here we have Duff,
Duff Lite,

120
00:05:50,808 --> 00:05:53,144
and our newest flavor,
Duff Dry.

121
00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,315
What does the future
hold for Duff?

122
00:05:57,398 --> 00:06:00,318
Let's just say we've got
a few ideas up our sleeve.

123
00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:02,445
-Like what?
-Um...

124
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:03,863
I'd rather not
get into it right now.

125
00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:05,198
-Why not?
-All right,

126
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:06,824
we don't have any ideas
for the future.

127
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-We got nothing. Happy?
-No.

128
00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:10,995
(sobbing)

129
00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:13,498
Mom, Bart wrecked
my project

130
00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:16,125
and the science fair's
in three days.

131
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,752
Hmm.

132
00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:19,879
Well, I've got an idea.

133
00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:20,963
Why don't you
run a hamster

134
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,507
through a maze?

135
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,096
Help me.
Help me!

136
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:29,931
(evil chuckle)

137
00:06:30,014 --> 00:06:31,224
What's so funny?

138
00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,726
Oh... uh...
I was just thinking

139
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,354
of a joke I saw on "Herman's Head".
(insincere chuckle)

140
00:06:36,437 --> 00:06:37,855
Mmm.

141
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Now this is the most
important man on the tour.

142
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:43,027
He's in charge
of quality control.

143
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,655
{\an8}Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine.

144
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:48,616
{\an8}Mouse. Rat. Fine.
Syringe. Fine.

145
00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:50,034
{\an8}Nose. Fine.

146
00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:53,162
Let me just say, you're doing
a great job, Phil.

147
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,414
{\an8}Hey, thanks a lot.

148
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:55,748
{\an8}That makes it all worthwhile.

149
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,417
HOMER: Mmm...

150
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,085
Gummi beer.

151
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,131
Hey, Barney, I think
you've had enough.

152
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:04,590
Are you crazy?

153
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:07,218
We still haven't tried
Raspberry Duff,

154
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:10,471
Lady Duff,
Tartar Control Duff...

155
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,348
(groans)

156
00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:18,938
Barney, give me your keys.

157
00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:20,356
You're too drunk
to drive.

158
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,607
I'm fine.

159
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:25,361
Okay. You leave me
no option.

160
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,238
Ow! What was that for?

161
00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:29,240
I'm trying
to knock you out!

162
00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:30,450
Ow!

163
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,701
Cut it out!

164
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,454
Ow!

165
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:35,955
Ow!

166
00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:37,373
Ow!

167
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,666
Ow!

168
00:07:38,749 --> 00:07:39,834
Ow!

169
00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:41,461
All right, here.
Take the keys.

170
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,552
Look alive, boys.

171
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,804
A couple of stewed prunes
heading your way.

172
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,017
(sirens wailing)

173
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:57,018
Gulp.

174
00:07:57,101 --> 00:08:00,021
♪ ...w, x, y and z ♪

175
00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:02,815
♪ Now I know my abc's ♪

176
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,985
♪ Won't you come
and play with me? ♪

177
00:08:06,068 --> 00:08:07,195
Flawless.

178
00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:08,279
We also would
have accepted

179
00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:10,448
"Tell me what you
think of me."

180
00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:11,449
Well, I guess
you're free to--

181
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:12,909
Give him the breathalyzer!

182
00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:13,868
Huh?

183
00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:14,994
(buzzes)

184
00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:17,121
-You're under arrest.
-D'oh!

185
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:19,916
Think you can
get this car home?

186
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,959
Sure thing, giant beer.

187
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,338
Ooh! Ow!

188
00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:27,632
Ow! Mother of mercy!

189
00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:29,091
(laughing)

190
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,260
Hey, this is kind of fun.

191
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,137
Whee! (laughs)

192
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,180
Whee! Ow!

193
00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:39,352
(phone ringing)

194
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:40,770
Hello?

195
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:43,397
Yeah, Mrs. Simpson
I have some bad news.

196
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,691
Your husband was found D.O.A.

197
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,401
Oh, my god!
He's dead?!

198
00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,028
Oh, wait! I mean D.W.I.

199
00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,154
(chuckles)

200
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:52,657
I always get
those two mixed up.

201
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,367
My name's Mrs. Phillips.

202
00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:56,953
You said my husband
is D.W.I.?

203
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,579
Uh...

204
00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:01,332
Why don't you talk
to that officer over there?

205
00:09:01,415 --> 00:09:02,458
I'm going out to lunch.

206
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,752
Don't worry, Homer.

207
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:06,712
I have a foolproof strategy

208
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:07,713
to get you out of here.

209
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,799
Surprise witnesses--

210
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,634
Each more surprising
than the last.

211
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,554
I tell you, the judge
won't know what hit him.

212
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:17,890
-Ow!
-Pipe down in there, Hutz.

213
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,934
Your license
is hereby revoked,

214
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:21,519
and you are to attend
traffic school,

215
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,646
and two months
of alch-anon meetings.

216
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,481
Your honor,
I'd like that last remark

217
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,358
-stricken from the record.
-No.

218
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,780
It doesn't get
any better than this.

219
00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:36,117
I want the most
intelligent hamster you've got.

220
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,368
Okay.

221
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:38,786
Uh...

222
00:09:38,869 --> 00:09:40,580
This little guy
writes mysteries

223
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:42,748
under the name
of J.D. MacGregor.

224
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,750
How can a hamster
write mysteries?

225
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,004
Well, he gets the ending first
then he works backward.

226
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,171
Aw, come on.

227
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,590
Look, kid, just take him

228
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:51,841
before his mother eats him,
all right?

229
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,551
Have a good day
at work, honey.

230
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:01,017
Ha-ha!

231
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,101
Stupid bicycle.

232
00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:03,269
Can't believe this.

233
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:04,729
No good, rotten...

234
00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:05,730
(bell rings)

235
00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:07,231
(chuckles)

236
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,191
I guess it's not all bad.

237
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,153
<i>"I propose to determine</i>
<i>the answer to the question:</i>

238
00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:15,239
<i>Is my brother dumber</i>
<i>than a hamster?"</i>

239
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,074
Hey, Lis.
Look what I can do.

240
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,660
(muffled grunts)

241
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:20,661
Doggone it.

242
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:35,301
(gasps)

243
00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:36,802
Remarkable!

244
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,640
Stupid books.

245
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:42,016
Hey, a cupcake.

246
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:44,644
(grunting)

247
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:47,563
Mm-hmm.

248
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:48,522
Dah!

249
00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:53,569
Hamster: One...

250
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,863
Bart: Zero.

251
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,698
Experiment two.

252
00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:00,660
The food is connected to a mild
electrical current.

253
00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:05,081
The hamster has learned
a valuable lesson--

254
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,208
"Beware the hand of man."

255
00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,002
(whistling)

256
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,132
Oh, a wise guy, eh?

257
00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:18,719
(grunts like Curly)

258
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:19,929
Ow.

259
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:20,971
Ow.

260
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:21,889
Ow.

261
00:11:21,972 --> 00:11:22,848
(snickers)

262
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:27,436
Hamster: Two, Bart: Zero.

263
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,732
Now, if any of you ever think
of drinking and driving again,

264
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:34,235
this film will scare
the pants off of you.

265
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:38,239
(screams)

266
00:11:38,322 --> 00:11:40,574
Guys, guys,
this is the wrong movie.

267
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,326
Oh, wait a second.

268
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:43,619
I do something
really funny here.

269
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:51,961
(laughing)

270
00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:52,920
(sighs)

271
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,721
<i>What a terrible waste.</i>

272
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,098
<i>Hi. I'm actor Troy McClure.</i>

273
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,726
<i>You might remember me</i>
<i>from such driver's ed films as</i>

274
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:09,186
<i>"Alice's Adventures</i>
<i>Through the Windshield Glass</i>

275
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,897
<i>and "The Decapitation</i>
<i>of Larry Leadfoot."</i>

276
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,691
<i>For the next 60 minutes,</i>

277
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:17,403
<i>we'll be seeing actual film</i>
<i>of car crash victims.</i>

278
00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:19,280
<i>(wacky comedy music playing)</i>

279
00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:21,073
<i>(tires screeching)</i>

280
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:23,617
<i>(crashing)</i>

281
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:24,869
<i>(tires screeching)</i>

282
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:26,704
<i>(crashing)</i>

283
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,797
<i>(crashing)</i>

284
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:38,507
TROY:
<i>Here's an appealing fellow.</i>

285
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,218
<i>In fact, they're a-peeling</i>
<i>him off the sidewalk.</i>

286
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:42,678
(laughing)

287
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,222
It's funny
'cause I don't know him.

288
00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:49,059
I'm here for
the alch-anon meeting.

289
00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:50,853
Mm-hmm. Third door
on your left.

290
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:52,646
Coping with senility?

291
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:55,357
No. I'm here
for microwave cookery.

292
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:56,901
No, wait.

293
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:58,360
Coping with senility.

294
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,281
My name is Ned.

295
00:13:02,364 --> 00:13:03,824
-Hello, Ned.
-Hello, Ned.

296
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:07,119
It's been 4,000 days
since my last drink.

297
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:10,498
It was my first
and last blackberry schnapps.

298
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,836
Ned, did you clip
Ann Landers today?

299
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,339
Ann Landers
is a boring old biddy.

300
00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:19,548
(gasps) Ned!

301
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:23,803
I was more animal than man.

302
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:25,763
My name is Otto.

303
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:28,182
I love to get blotto.

304
00:13:28,265 --> 00:13:30,559
My name is Hans.

305
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,770
Drinking has ruined my life.

306
00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:35,815
I'm 31 years old.

307
00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,483
My name is Homer,

308
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:39,401
and I'm just here because
the court made me come.

309
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:40,653
Homer, with our help,

310
00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:43,197
you'll never
touch a beer again.

311
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,448
(screaming)

312
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,622
So they say
I might have a problem.

313
00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:52,832
(snorts)

314
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,626
Homie, do you ever
drink alone?

315
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,378
Does the Lord
count as a person?

316
00:13:57,461 --> 00:13:58,546
No.

317
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,047
Then yes.

318
00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:02,216
Do you need a beer
to fall asleep?

319
00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:03,551
Thank you.
That would be nice.

320
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,095
Do you ever hide beer
around the house?

321
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,054
Do I ever.

322
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,015
Ah!

323
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,852
Do you ever drink
to escape from reality?

324
00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:18,315
(humming "The Cancan")

325
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:22,695
Homie, I'd like you
to do something for me.

326
00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:24,154
You name it.

327
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,198
I want you to give up
beer for a month.

328
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,284
You got it.
No deer for a month.

329
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,828
Did you say "beer"
or "deer"?

330
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:33,789
Deer.

331
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,666
Please, Homie.

332
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:38,377
I know you can do this.

333
00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:39,753
All right.

334
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,047
Starting tomorrow,
no beer for a month.

335
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:45,551
(pop-top can opens)

336
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:47,011
MARGE:
What was that noise?

337
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:48,971
HOMER: I was saying,
"Psst, I love you."

338
00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:53,934
Bart, could you go
get the cupcakes?

339
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,477
Cupcakes, cupcakes!

340
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:56,937
Yes, sweet cakes for all.

341
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:06,572
(shivering)

342
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,787
Well, beer,
we've had some great times.

343
00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:18,709
<i>♪ When I was seventeen ♪</i>

344
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:22,504
<i>♪ I drank some</i>
<i>very good beer ♪</i>

345
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:28,510
<i>♪ I drank some very good beer</i>
<i>I purchased with a fake I.D. ♪</i>

346
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,805
<i>♪ My name was Brian McGee ♪</i>

347
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:35,392
<i>♪ I stayed up</i>
<i>listening to Queen ♪</i>

348
00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:38,312
<i>♪ When I was seventeen ♪</i>

349
00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:39,313
(sniffles)

350
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:45,778
Huh?

351
00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:49,782
She'll pay for this.

352
00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:52,076
I'm going to crush
her like this pellet.

353
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,077
Ow!

354
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,078
Ow!

355
00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:55,079
Ow!

356
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:56,080
Ow!

357
00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:57,039
Ow!

358
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,792
(gasps)

359
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:02,962
BART: Looking for something?

360
00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:04,630
What have you done
with my report?

361
00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:06,507
I've hidden it.

362
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:08,550
To find it, you'll need
to decipher a series of clues,

363
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:09,760
-each more fiendish than--
-Got it.

364
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:10,719
D'oh!

365
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:16,517
Behold gravity
in all its glory.

366
00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:22,523
Pretty lame, Milhouse.

367
00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:24,274
Can I touch it?

368
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,651
I've worked
too long and hard on this

369
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:26,902
for you to screw it up now.

370
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,654
But it's got
my name on it.

371
00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:31,156
Just stand over there.

372
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,241
Over there!

373
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,284
Behold the flying machine

374
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:36,787
that will carry me,
Phileas Fogg,

375
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:40,374
{\an8}around the world
in 80 days.

376
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:46,755
{\an8}Dang! I was aiming
for his head.

377
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,799
<i>Don't think about beer.</i>

378
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,723
Mmm, alcohol-fueled car.

379
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:58,308
One for you.
One for me.

380
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,061
One for you. One for me.

381
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,397
(groans)

382
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:07,151
{\an8}I don't know if I like you
experimenting on your brother.

383
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,736
Please, Mother,

384
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:11,697
it's purely in
the interest of science.

385
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:13,657
{\an8}<i>That'll learn him</i>
<i>to bust my tomater.</i>

386
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,035
(crowd cheering)

387
00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:19,246
(gasps)

388
00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:21,081
BART: Step right up, folks.

389
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:22,583
We'll answer the question

390
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:25,002
that has been plaguing
scientists for ages--

391
00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,337
Can hamsters fly planes?

392
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:28,922
(crowd murmuring)

393
00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:31,925
MAN: Oh, look he's got
miniature goggles on.

394
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,177
Oh! And a little scarf.

395
00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:35,763
-Isn't that adorable?
-Oh-ho!

396
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:39,058
But this project
has no scientific merit.

397
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:40,267
Take a hike, sister.

398
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:41,685
Oh, missy,
sour grapes.

399
00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:44,271
Lisa, every good scientist
is half B.F. Skinner

400
00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:46,315
and half P.T. Barnum.

401
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,233
I don't think I need to see
the other exhibits.

402
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,860
First prize.

403
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:51,236
(crowd applauds)

404
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:55,240
(sighs)

405
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:56,241
One down.

406
00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,327
29 to go.

407
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,245
<i>WOMEN:</i>
<i>Down with sexism!</i>

408
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:03,957
<i>Down with sexism!</i>

409
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:05,918
<i>Look at all</i>
<i>those feminists.</i>

410
00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:07,753
<i>You thinking</i>
<i>what I'm thinking?</i>

411
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:12,299
<i>(rock music playing)</i>

412
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:13,967
<i>(women laughing)</i>

413
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:14,968
<i>-Yeah!</i>
<i>-Yeah!</i>

414
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:16,553
<i>All right!</i>

415
00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:22,309
TV, have you
turned on me too?

416
00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:26,146
(organ plays)

417
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,232
<i>ANNOUNCER: The windup</i>
<i>and the two-two pitch...</i>

418
00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:29,817
<i>Oh, no, sir!</i>
<i>Wait a minute.</i>

419
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,694
<i>The batter</i>
<i>is calling for time.</i>

420
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,572
<i>Looks like he's going</i>
<i>and getting himself a new bat.</i>

421
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,742
<i>And now there's a</i>
<i>beach ball on the field.</i>

422
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:40,410
<i>And the ball boys</i>
<i>are discussing</i>

423
00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:42,788
<i>which one of them's</i>
<i>going to go get it.</i>

424
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:46,500
<i>I never realized</i>
<i>how boring this game is.</i>

425
00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:50,379
I think I've lost weight.

426
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,089
You've never
looked better.

427
00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,593
Thank you all for coming.

428
00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:58,804
We've got some very
interesting developments

429
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,806
in the field
of supperware.

430
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:01,932
Uh-huh.

431
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:04,977
This is the 128-ounce tub.

432
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,937
You can fit your whole
head in it.

433
00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:12,234
Don't be scared, Jubjub.

434
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,069
It's mama.

435
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,029
I would kill everyone
in this room

436
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,740
for a drop of sweet beer.

437
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,202
So, Homer, please feel
free to tell us anything.

438
00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:23,996
There's no judgment here.

439
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:27,082
The other day I was
so desperate for a beer

440
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,750
I snuck
into the football stadium

441
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,169
and ate the dirt
under the bleachers.

442
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:33,213
-(gasping)
-I cast thee out!

443
00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:34,339
Don't think about beer.

444
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:35,465
Don't think about beer.

445
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,342
Don't think about beer.

446
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:38,385
Ah!

447
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,096
Ah!

448
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,806
(train whistle blowing)

449
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,728
TRAIN: Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug,
chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug,

450
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:49,646
chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug,
chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug.

451
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,231
(screams)

452
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:04,995
No!

453
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,291
30 days.

454
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:11,043
I'm proud of you,
Homie.

455
00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:12,461
Marge, I'm going to Moe's.

456
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:13,837
Send the kids to the neighbors

457
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,130
I'm coming back loaded.

458
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,344
Mmm... you don't have to
start drinking right away.

459
00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:22,679
I was thinking we could
go for a bike ride.

460
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:25,641
But Marge, the barflies
are expecting me.

461
00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:29,603
Moe and Barney and that guy
who calls me Bill.

462
00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,188
But you look better.

463
00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:33,357
You don't sweat
while you eat anymore,

464
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,276
and look, you've saved
more than $100.

465
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:37,861
I found it in your pants.

466
00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,279
Yoink!

467
00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:40,489
Mmm.

468
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:43,867
-(panting)
-Well, well,

469
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,369
look who it is?

470
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:48,330
Mr. I-don't-need-alcohol-
to-enjoy-life.

471
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:50,123
We hate him, right, fellas?

472
00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:52,251
(muttering)

473
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:54,253
Moe, give me a beer.

474
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,588
Hey, everybody,
Homer's back!

475
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,257
(muttering)

476
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:06,056
(burps)

477
00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:12,688
Come on, Homer,
do it for your old pal, Moesy.

478
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:16,066
But, Moe, yesterday you called
Homer a worthless sack of--

479
00:21:16,149 --> 00:21:17,943
Pipe down,
Rub-a-dub!

480
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:18,819
Ow.

481
00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:23,031
Put it in the fridge,
Moe.

482
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:24,950
I've got a date
with my wife.

483
00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:27,661
You'll be back!

484
00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:29,371
And so will you,

485
00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:30,372
and you,

486
00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:32,874
and you.

487
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:34,501
Of course, I'll be back.

488
00:21:34,584 --> 00:21:36,461
If you didn't close,
I'd never leave.

489
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:41,008
HOMER:
<i>♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪</i>

490
00:21:41,091 --> 00:21:46,138
<i>♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes</i>
<i>will soon be turning red ♪</i>

491
00:21:46,221 --> 00:21:49,224
BOTH:
<i>♪ La-la la-la-la, la ♪</i>

492
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:54,021
<i>♪ La-la la-la-la-la-la</i>
<i>la-la la-la-la... ♪</i>

493
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:58,442
<i>♪ Because I'm free ♪</i>

494
00:21:58,525 --> 00:22:03,363
<i>♪ Nothing's worrying me ♪</i>

495
00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:09,202
♪♪

496
00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:22,549
{\an8}<i>♪ It won't be long till</i>
<i>happiness steps up to greet me♪</i>

497
00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:30,932
{\an8}<i>♪ Raindrops keep falling</i>
<i>on my head ♪</i>

498
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:36,313
{\an8}<i>♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes</i>
<i>will soon be turning red ♪</i>

499
00:22:36,396 --> 00:22:38,648
{\an8}<i>♪ Crying's not for me ♪</i>

500
00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:44,154
{\an8}<i>♪ 'Cause I'm never gonna</i>
<i>stop the rain by complaining ♪</i>

501
00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:48,575
{\an8}<i>♪ Because I'm free ♪</i>

502
00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:53,789
{\an8}<i>♪ Nothing's worrying me ♪</i>

503
00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:58,168
(bell rings, Homer laughs)

504
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,464
{\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.