♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids,
I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
Go-go ray?
Allow me to demonstrate.
Dah!
What the...
(laughing)
Ahh!
Can't... stop... doing... The Monkey.
(go-go music playing)
(laughing)
I'm disrupting the learning process,
and I love it! (laughs)
First prize. First prize.
LISA: First prize.
First prize. First prize.
Why are you saying that?
Just screwing with your mind.
(chuckling)
Homer, I want you
to encourage Lisa with her science fair project.
Yeah, syrup is better than jelly.
I've grown a futuristic tomato
by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids.
The kind that help our Olympic athletes
reach new peaks of excellence?
The very same.
I think this tomato could wipe out world hunger.
More tomato?
CHILDREN: Yes, please.
Where's your science fair project, boy?
I thought I'd investigate the effects
of cigarette smoking on dogs.
(coughing)
(barks weakly)
Bart, don't give the dog cigarettes.
(yawns)
Well...
time to go to work.
Little do they know I'm ducking out early
to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Roll in at 9:00, punch out at 5:00.
That's the plan.
(chuckles)
They don't suspect a thing.
Well, off to the plant.
Then to the Duff Brewery.
Uh-oh.
Did I say that or just think it?
I got to think of a lie fast.
Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Aah!
"If the plant ye wish to flee,
go to sector 7-B."
(screams)
(hisses)
"To overcome the spider's curse,
simply quote a bible verse."
Uh... thou shalt not...
Oh...
Hey, that looks like Princess Di.
(hard thud)
Aw, wait, it's just a pile of rags.
Oh, Bart, I forgot my math book.
Would you hold this for me, please?
(as Curly) Soitenly.
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.
(humming)
Whoop. Shoe's untied.
Over, under, in and out.
That's what shoe tying's all about.
(humming)
Huh?
Noooo!
(laughter)
Bart!
(burping)
Welcome to the Duff brewery.
Now I'm sure all of you have heard the rumors
that a batch of Duff was contaminated
with strychnine.
GROUP: Strychnine?
That's news to me.
Are you sure?
Well, everyone's talking about it.
It was even on CNN last night.
CNN?
Oh...
Well, it's not true. Let's go!
Now here's one of our favorite Duff Beer commercials
from the early 1950s.
Only Duff fills your Q-zone with pure beer goodness.
So drink up...
and up...
and up.
Duff Beer,
Proud sponsors of "Amos 'n' Andy."
We're proud of all of our Duff commercials,
but here's a very special one from 1960.
Well, I would suggest, Mr. Vanocur,
that if you knew the president,
that that was probably just a facetious remark.
ANNOUNCER: And now a word from our sponsor.
I would like to take this opportunity
to express my fondness for Duff Beer.
(crowd cheering)
I'd also like to express my fondness
for that particular beer.
(crowd murmuring)
The man never drank a Duff in his life.
And here we have Duff, Duff Lite,
and our newest flavor, Duff Dry.
What does the future hold for Duff?
Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve.
-Like what? -Um...
I'd rather not get into it right now.
-Why not? -All right,
we don't have any ideas for the future.
-We got nothing. Happy? -No.
(sobbing)
Mom, Bart wrecked my project
and the science fair's in three days.
Hmm.
Well, I've got an idea.
Why don't you run a hamster
through a maze?
Help me. Help me!
(evil chuckle)
What's so funny?
Oh... uh... I was just thinking
of a joke I saw on "Herman's Head". (insincere chuckle)
Mmm.
Now this is the most important man on the tour.
He's in charge of quality control.
Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine.
Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine.
Nose. Fine.
Let me just say, you're doing a great job, Phil.
Hey, thanks a lot.
That makes it all worthwhile.
HOMER: Mmm...
Gummi beer.
Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough.
Are you crazy?
We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff,
Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff...
(groans)
Barney, give me your keys.
You're too drunk to drive.
I'm fine.
Okay. You leave me no option.
Ow! What was that for?
I'm trying to knock you out!
Ow!
Cut it out!
Ow!
All right, here. Take the keys.
Look alive, boys.
A couple of stewed prunes heading your way.
(sirens wailing)
Gulp.
♪ ...w, x, y and z ♪
♪ Now I know my abc's ♪
♪ Won't you come and play with me? ♪
Flawless.
We also would have accepted
"Tell me what you think of me."
Well, I guess you're free to--
Give him the breathalyzer!
Huh?
(buzzes)
-You're under arrest. -D'oh!
Think you can get this car home?
Sure thing, giant beer.
Ooh! Ow!
Ow! Mother of mercy!
(laughing)
Hey, this is kind of fun.
Whee! (laughs)
Whee! Ow!
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Yeah, Mrs. Simpson I have some bad news.
Your husband was found D.O.A.
Oh, my god! He's dead?!
Oh, wait! I mean D.W.I.
(chuckles)
I always get those two mixed up.
My name's Mrs. Phillips.
You said my husband is D.W.I.?
Uh...
Why don't you talk to that officer over there?
I'm going out to lunch.
Don't worry, Homer.
I have a foolproof strategy
to get you out of here.
Surprise witnesses--
Each more surprising than the last.
I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him.
-Ow! -Pipe down in there, Hutz.
Your license is hereby revoked,
and you are to attend traffic school,
and two months of alch-anon meetings.
Your honor, I'd like that last remark
-stricken from the record. -No.
It doesn't get any better than this.
I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
Okay.
Uh...
This little guy writes mysteries
under the name of J.D. MacGregor.
How can a hamster write mysteries?
Well, he gets the ending first then he works backward.
Aw, come on.
Look, kid, just take him
before his mother eats him, all right?
Have a good day at work, honey.
Ha-ha!
Stupid bicycle.
Can't believe this.
No good, rotten...
(bell rings)
(chuckles)
I guess it's not all bad.
"I propose to determine the answer to the question:
Is my brother dumber than a hamster?"
Hey, Lis. Look what I can do.
(muffled grunts)
Doggone it.
(gasps)
Remarkable!
Stupid books.
Hey, a cupcake.
(grunting)
Mm-hmm.
Dah!
Hamster: One...
Bart: Zero.
Experiment two.
The food is connected to a mild electrical current.
The hamster has learned a valuable lesson--
"Beware the hand of man."
(whistling)
Oh, a wise guy, eh?
(grunts like Curly)
Ow.
(snickers)
Hamster: Two, Bart: Zero.
Now, if any of you ever think of drinking and driving again,
this film will scare the pants off of you.
(screams)
Guys, guys, this is the wrong movie.
Oh, wait a second.
I do something really funny here.
(laughing)
(sighs)
What a terrible waste.
Hi. I'm actor Troy McClure.
You might remember me from such driver's ed films as
"Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass
and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot."
For the next 60 minutes,
we'll be seeing actual film of car crash victims.
(wacky comedy music playing)
(tires screeching)
(crashing)
(tires screeching)
(crashing)
TROY: Here's an appealing fellow.
In fact, they're a-peeling him off the sidewalk.
(laughing)
It's funny 'cause I don't know him.
I'm here for the alch-anon meeting.
Mm-hmm. Third door on your left.
Coping with senility?
No. I'm here for microwave cookery.
No, wait.
Coping with senility.
My name is Ned.
-Hello, Ned. -Hello, Ned.
It's been 4,000 days since my last drink.
It was my first and last blackberry schnapps.
Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today?
Ann Landers is a boring old biddy.
(gasps) Ned!
I was more animal than man.
My name is Otto.
I love to get blotto.
My name is Hans.
Drinking has ruined my life.
I'm 31 years old.
My name is Homer,
and I'm just here because the court made me come.
Homer, with our help,
you'll never touch a beer again.
(screaming)
So they say I might have a problem.
(snorts)
Homie, do you ever drink alone?
Does the Lord count as a person?
No.
Then yes.
Do you need a beer to fall asleep?
Thank you. That would be nice.
Do you ever hide beer around the house?
Do I ever.
Ah!
Do you ever drink to escape from reality?
(humming "The Cancan")
Homie, I'd like you to do something for me.
You name it.
I want you to give up beer for a month.
You got it. No deer for a month.
Did you say "beer" or "deer"?
Deer.
Please, Homie.
I know you can do this.
All right.
Starting tomorrow, no beer for a month.
(pop-top can opens)
MARGE: What was that noise?
HOMER: I was saying, "Psst, I love you."
Bart, could you go get the cupcakes?
Cupcakes, cupcakes!
Yes, sweet cakes for all.
(shivering)
Well, beer, we've had some great times.
♪ When I was seventeen ♪
♪ I drank some very good beer ♪
♪ I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake I.D. ♪
♪ My name was Brian McGee ♪
♪ I stayed up listening to Queen ♪
♪ When I was seventeen ♪
(sniffles)
Huh?
She'll pay for this.
I'm going to crush her like this pellet.
Ow!
(gasps)
BART: Looking for something?
What have you done with my report?
I've hidden it.
To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues,
-each more fiendish than-- -Got it.
D'oh!
Behold gravity in all its glory.
Pretty lame, Milhouse.
Can I touch it?
I've worked too long and hard on this
for you to screw it up now.
But it's got my name on it.
Just stand over there.
Over there!
Behold the flying machine
that will carry me, Phileas Fogg,
around the world in 80 days.
Dang! I was aiming for his head.
Don't think about beer.
Mmm, alcohol-fueled car.
One for you. One for me.
(groans)
I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother.
Please, Mother,
it's purely in the interest of science.
That'll learn him to bust my tomater.
(crowd cheering)
(gasps)
BART: Step right up, folks.
We'll answer the question
that has been plaguing scientists for ages--
Can hamsters fly planes?
(crowd murmuring)
MAN: Oh, look he's got miniature goggles on.
Oh! And a little scarf.
-Isn't that adorable? -Oh-ho!
But this project has no scientific merit.
Take a hike, sister.
Oh, missy, sour grapes.
Lisa, every good scientist is half B.F. Skinner
and half P.T. Barnum.
I don't think I need to see the other exhibits.
First prize.
(crowd applauds)
(sighs)
One down.
29 to go.
WOMEN: Down with sexism!
Look at all those feminists.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
(rock music playing)
(women laughing)
-Yeah! -Yeah!
All right!
TV, have you turned on me too?
(organ plays)
ANNOUNCER: The windup and the two-two pitch...
Oh, no, sir! Wait a minute.
The batter is calling for time.
Looks like he's going and getting himself a new bat.
And now there's a beach ball on the field.
And the ball boys are discussing
which one of them's going to go get it.
I never realized how boring this game is.
I think I've lost weight.
You've never looked better.
Thank you all for coming.
We've got some very interesting developments
in the field of supperware.
Uh-huh.
This is the 128-ounce tub.
You can fit your whole head in it.
Don't be scared, Jubjub.
It's mama.
I would kill everyone in this room
for a drop of sweet beer.
So, Homer, please feel free to tell us anything.
There's no judgment here.
The other day I was so desperate for a beer
I snuck into the football stadium
and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
-(gasping) -I cast thee out!
Don't think about beer.
Ah!
(train whistle blowing)
TRAIN: Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug,
chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug.
(screams)
No!
30 days.
I'm proud of you, Homie.
Marge, I'm going to Moe's.
Send the kids to the neighbors
I'm coming back loaded.
Mmm... you don't have to start drinking right away.
I was thinking we could go for a bike ride.
But Marge, the barflies are expecting me.
Moe and Barney and that guy who calls me Bill.
But you look better.
You don't sweat while you eat anymore,
and look, you've saved more than $100.
I found it in your pants.
Yoink!
Mmm.
-(panting) -Well, well,
look who it is?
Mr. I-don't-need-alcohol- to-enjoy-life.
We hate him, right, fellas?
(muttering)
Moe, give me a beer.
Hey, everybody, Homer's back!
(muttering)
(burps)
Come on, Homer, do it for your old pal, Moesy.
But, Moe, yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of--
Pipe down, Rub-a-dub!
Ow.
Put it in the fridge, Moe.
I've got a date with my wife.
You'll be back!
And so will you,
and you,
and you.
Of course, I'll be back.
If you didn't close, I'd never leave.
HOMER: ♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪
♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red ♪
BOTH: ♪ La-la la-la-la, la ♪
♪ La-la la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la-la... ♪
♪ Because I'm free ♪
♪ Nothing's worrying me ♪
♪♪
♪ It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me♪
♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪
♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red ♪
♪ Crying's not for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining ♪
♪ Because I'm free ♪
♪ Nothing's worrying me ♪
(bell rings, Homer laughs)
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.