1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:14,973 (chalk screeches) 3 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,394 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,525 (work whistle blows) 5 00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:30,905 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 6 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:43,418 (jazzy solo) 7 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,464 (tires screech) 8 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,180 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:58,641 --> 00:00:59,893 (horn honks) 10 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,270 (tires screech) 11 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482 D'oh! 12 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,734 -Aah! -(tires screech) 13 00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:23,249 (elephants trumpeting) 14 00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:41,810 {\an8}Mmm, delicious. 15 00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:43,645 {\an8}Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday. 16 00:01:43,728 --> 00:01:45,980 {\an8}So, I got your mother's recipe for matzo balls. 17 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:48,191 {\an8}Hey, I don't do the Jewish stuff on the air. 18 00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:49,776 {\an8}But, Herschel, bubelah-- 19 00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:51,444 {\an8}Ix-nay on the Ew-jay. 20 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,071 {\an8}Roll the cartoon! 21 00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:56,241 {\an8}It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots. 22 00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:57,867 Marge, it happened again. 23 00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:05,542 {\an8}Ohh-- 24 00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:07,585 {\an8}What are you gonna change your name to 25 00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:08,670 {\an8}when you grow up? 26 00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:09,921 {\an8}Lois Sanborn. 27 00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:11,923 {\an8}Steve Bennett. 28 00:02:12,006 --> 00:02:13,591 ♪ They fight, and fight ♪ 29 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,385 ♪ They fight and fight and fight ♪ 30 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:16,594 ♪ Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight ♪ 31 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:19,305 ♪ The Itchy & Scratch show ♪ 32 00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:23,685 Ow! 33 00:02:23,768 --> 00:02:24,894 Hee-hee-hee! 34 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,354 -Ow! -Hee-hee-hee! 35 00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:28,398 -Ow! -Hee-hee-hee! 36 00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:30,483 {\an8}This is a rather lifeless outing. 37 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,569 {\an8}Don't worry, they're building to something. 38 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:33,611 Ow! 39 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:34,988 Hee-hee-hee! 40 00:02:35,071 --> 00:02:37,782 BOTH: Kids, say "no" to drugs. 41 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,291 I could pull a better cartoon out of my a-- 42 00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:47,709 (nervous chuckle) 43 00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:50,295 Hey, whoa, wasn't that great, kids? 44 00:02:50,378 --> 00:02:53,256 {\an8}That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons 45 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:54,757 {\an8}of the late '30s. 46 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,343 {\an8}The writers should be ashamed of themselves. 47 00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:58,803 Cartoons have writers? 48 00:02:58,887 --> 00:02:59,971 Yeah, sort of. 49 00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:01,764 Oh yeah, well, you and I could write 50 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,516 a better cartoon than that. 51 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,685 Write a cartoon ourselves? 52 00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:08,146 Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking? 53 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,981 Probably not. 54 00:03:10,064 --> 00:03:12,775 Lie in the snow and count to 60. 55 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,445 Hi-yah! 56 00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:18,573 (evil laugh) 57 00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:20,241 Merry Christmas, suckers. 58 00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,287 MARGE: "Third notice?" 59 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:26,122 "Final notice?" 60 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,499 "Some guys are coming?" 61 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,710 What's this? 62 00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:33,421 An invitation to our high school reunion! 63 00:03:33,504 --> 00:03:35,381 Gee, that's odd. 64 00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:36,549 They didn't send one to you. 65 00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:37,634 This is it, Homer. 66 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,135 It's time to tell her 67 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,387 the terrible secret from your past. 68 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:45,350 Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom. 69 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,101 Oh, my God. 70 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:49,229 No, the other secret. 71 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:52,440 Marge, I never graduated from high school. 72 00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:55,568 That still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. 73 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,654 Wait, maybe it does. 74 00:03:57,737 --> 00:04:00,490 I never passed Remedial Science 1A. 75 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:03,034 And you're a nuclear technician? 76 00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:06,621 Marge, ix-nay on the uclear-nay echnician-tay. 77 00:04:06,704 --> 00:04:07,997 What did you say? 78 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:11,167 I don't know. I flunked Latin too. 79 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,503 According to this book 80 00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,505 the first thing we need is a setting. 81 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:18,132 Okay, settings-- settings-- settings-- 82 00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:19,801 setting-- 83 00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:24,764 (groans) 84 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,816 How about a barber shop? 85 00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,359 Great! 86 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,653 Scratchy's getting a haircut. 87 00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:40,363 Then Itchy, the barber, 88 00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:43,032 chops Scratchy's head off with the razor. 89 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,246 (Bart laughs) 90 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:49,998 Ah, too predictable. 91 00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:51,749 The way I see it, instead of shampoo, 92 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:55,003 Itchy covers Scratchy's hair with Bar-B-Q sauce. 93 00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:57,380 Opens a box 94 00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:59,090 of flesh-eating ants 95 00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:01,009 and the rest writes itself. 96 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:01,968 (screams) 97 00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:07,140 Hey, this show ain't no good. 98 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:08,224 Hyah! 99 00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,269 Finished. 100 00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:13,396 Now, all we have to do is put our names on it. 101 00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:15,523 Fine-- put my name first. 102 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:16,733 No way. 103 00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:18,526 All right, then to decide it 104 00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:20,611 I propose a race around the world. 105 00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:23,156 Meet me at Leicester Square at noon tomorrow. 106 00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:26,242 The queen herself shall drop the checkered flag. 107 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,618 Look, there's only one reasonable way 108 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:28,786 to settle this. 109 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,913 Rock, paper, scissors. 110 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,832 Poor predictable Bart. 111 00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:34,792 Always takes rock. 112 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:36,002 Good old rock. 113 00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:37,128 Nothing beats that. 114 00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:40,423 -Rock. -Paper. 115 00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:42,467 D'oh! 116 00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:43,760 MAN: You call this writing? 117 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,636 If I puked in a fountain pen 118 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:46,679 and mailed it to the monkey house I'd get better scripts. 119 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,306 But, sir, at Harvard-- 120 00:05:48,389 --> 00:05:50,516 Oh, at Harvard they taught you-- Hit the streets, egghead. 121 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,643 You should have majored in not getting fired. 122 00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:55,355 Sir, a Lisa and Bart Simpson 123 00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:56,898 sent you a script. 124 00:05:56,981 --> 00:05:58,024 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 125 00:05:58,107 --> 00:05:59,317 "Dear Mr. Meyers: 126 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,152 "My brother and I watch your show. 127 00:06:01,235 --> 00:06:03,363 "You should be proud that children everywhere--" 128 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:05,490 Blah-blah-blah, bling-bling-bling, blah. 129 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,451 Hey, egghead! 130 00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:10,203 Sing "Fair Harvard." 131 00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:11,954 ♪ Fair, Harvard ♪ 132 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,831 ♪ I-- ♪ 133 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:15,666 You, sir, have the boorish manners 134 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,043 of a Yalie. 135 00:06:17,126 --> 00:06:19,128 Here's a witty rejoinder for ya! 136 00:06:20,254 --> 00:06:21,464 (groans) 137 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:23,800 Bart, they rejected our script. 138 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,344 I guess we're just not cut out to be writers. 139 00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:28,429 Maybe he just doesn't take us seriously 140 00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:29,847 'cause we're kids. 141 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,016 Let's put a grown-up's name on it. 142 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,227 How about Grandpa? He's pretty out of it. 143 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,729 He let those guys use his checkbook for a whole year. 144 00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:41,275 {\an8}ABE: When I read your magazine, 145 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:45,530 I don't see one wrinkled face or a single toothless grin. 146 00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:47,365 For shame! 147 00:06:47,448 --> 00:06:50,993 To the sickos at Modern Bride magazine. 148 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,078 Hey, Grandpa. 149 00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,371 We need to know your first name. 150 00:06:53,454 --> 00:06:55,790 You're making my tombstone! 151 00:06:55,873 --> 00:06:57,959 No, we're just curious. 152 00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:00,837 All right, let's see--. First name, first name. 153 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,632 Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. 154 00:07:04,715 --> 00:07:08,386 It holds the answer to all of the important questions. 155 00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:12,306 Call me Abraham Simpson. 156 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,267 Grandpa, how did you take off your underwear 157 00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,144 without taking off your pants? 158 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,146 I don't know. 159 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,026 (groans) 160 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:28,948 Hmm! 161 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:33,494 (chuckles) 162 00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:34,495 (knocking) 163 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:35,830 What? 164 00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:37,123 Sir, you locked my office, 165 00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:39,000 and I wanted to get my Harvard mug. 166 00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:39,959 Shut up! 167 00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:41,961 (groans) 168 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,506 (chuckles) 169 00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:48,509 (laughing) 170 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:51,345 Roxie, get me Abraham Simpson. 171 00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:53,639 (phone ringing) 172 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:54,932 Phone call, Simpson. 173 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:55,933 Yeah? 174 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,685 Is this the Abraham Simpson 175 00:07:57,768 --> 00:07:59,437 who wrote the Itchy and Scratchy episode? 176 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,230 Itchy and what? 177 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,608 You must be some kind of crazy person. 178 00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,735 I'm sorry, but we have a substantial check here 179 00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,778 for a Mr. Abraham Simpson. 180 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:10,448 That's right. I did the Iggy. 181 00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:15,536 Ah, my high school yearbook. 182 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,748 {\an8}You handsome devil. 183 00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,918 {\an8}"I can't believe I ate the whole thing." 184 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,503 {\an8}(chuckles) 185 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:25,755 {\an8}"Activities: None. 186 00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:27,924 {\an8}"Sports: None. 187 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,343 {\an8}Honors: None." 188 00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:32,428 So many memories. 189 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,347 Time to go to the reunion. 190 00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:36,766 It will be great to see the old gang again. 191 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:40,478 Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz. 192 00:08:40,561 --> 00:08:42,313 That was "Happy Days." 193 00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:44,774 No, they weren't all happy days. 194 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,652 Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle 195 00:08:47,735 --> 00:08:50,530 or the night I lost all my money to those cardsharps 196 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,990 and my dad, Tom Bosley, had to get it back. 197 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,700 (groans) 198 00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,706 Hello, Principal Dondalinger. 199 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,959 Oh, Marge Bouvier, it's so good to see you. 200 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:04,544 Sorry, sir. 201 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,796 We're not letting vagrants sleep in the gym tonight 202 00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:09,632 but we will be putting some scraps by the back door. 203 00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:11,384 -D'oh! -Oh, it's you, Simpson. 204 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:12,385 Eech. 205 00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:19,350 Look. There's Bobby Mindich, the class clown. 206 00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,644 I am not a crook. 207 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:23,187 (laughs) 208 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:24,522 Richard Nixon. 209 00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:25,523 I know. 210 00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:30,194 ♪ Do the hustle ♪ 211 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:31,195 (laughs) 212 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,405 Oh, my God. 213 00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:34,490 It's my old boyfriend Artie Ziff. 214 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,700 (humming) 215 00:09:35,783 --> 00:09:38,619 Hello, Marge. Have you heard? 216 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,539 I'm stinking rich. Jealous? 217 00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:45,710 I'll bet you'd trade it all for one night with my wife. 218 00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,253 I would. 219 00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:48,337 Hmm! 220 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,047 Homer! 221 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,340 (imitating Cheech and Chong) Hey, man, it's Dave. 222 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,341 Open up, man. 223 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,510 Dave's not here, man. 224 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,178 (laughs loudly) 225 00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,555 Okay, now let's move on. 226 00:09:57,638 --> 00:10:00,600 (laughing) The guy's so high 227 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,935 he doesn't even know that's Dave. 228 00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:05,354 Homer. Homer? 229 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,106 Homer's not here, man. 230 00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:08,983 Okay. Very good. 231 00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:10,401 Now let's get on with our 232 00:10:10,484 --> 00:10:12,069 (imitating Ed Sullivan) really big show. 233 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,113 -Ed Sullivan. -Shh. 234 00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:18,117 First, the award for the alumnus who's gained the most weight. 235 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,244 -Homer Simpson. -Oh, my God! 236 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,704 How did you do it, Homer? 237 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:25,708 I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch. 238 00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:28,502 And now, the award for most improved odor. 239 00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,254 Homer Simpson. 240 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,089 Yes! 241 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:36,093 And the person who traveled the least distance to be here-- 242 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:38,721 (southern accent) Well, kiss my grits. 243 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:41,140 Homer Simpson. 244 00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:42,642 What can I say? 245 00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:45,102 It hasn't been easy staying in my rut. 246 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,896 Class of '74 247 00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:49,982 I was just leafing through your permanent records 248 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,734 when I discovered something shocking. 249 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:54,820 Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1A 250 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,238 and thus never graduated from high school. 251 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,115 (gasping) 252 00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,743 I'm sorry, Simpson, I'm gonna have to take back those awards. 253 00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:04,080 (laughter) 254 00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:10,252 This is Howard Cosmell. 255 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,546 Homer Simpson is a boob. 256 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:15,257 What do you think, J.J.? 257 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,051 Dyno-mite! 258 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,219 Didn't graduate? 259 00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:20,221 How low can you get? 260 00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:22,348 Barney, where's your cummerbund? 261 00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,225 It fell in the toilet. 262 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,354 Marge, I have my pride. 263 00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:30,314 I'm going to go to night school, 264 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,108 earn my high school diploma 265 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,485 and get back my "most improved odor" trophy. 266 00:11:34,568 --> 00:11:35,778 Mmm. 267 00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:37,154 You're a comedy writer? 268 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,781 My God, you're so old. 269 00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:39,865 I want my check! 270 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,492 (laughs) 271 00:11:41,575 --> 00:11:43,119 You're a writer, all right. 272 00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:44,495 All right, here you go, Simpson. 273 00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:45,705 I want another one! 274 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:47,665 You're a funny guy. 275 00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:50,251 How would you like a staff job, I'll start you at $800 a week? 276 00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:51,627 My chest hurts. 277 00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:55,464 All right, leeches. 278 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,842 I want you to see what a good writer looks like. 279 00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,636 His name is Abraham Simpson, and he's got something 280 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,722 you couldn't get at your fancy schools-- 281 00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,432 Life experience. 282 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:07,435 Actually, I wrote my thesis on life experience and-- 283 00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:08,686 Quiet! 284 00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:11,272 Abe, tell them about your amazing life. 285 00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:13,899 I spent 40 years as a night watchman 286 00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,317 at a cranberry silo. 287 00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,027 Wow! 288 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:21,240 So, this patch steadily releases nicotine into my body 289 00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:23,075 eliminating my need for cigarettes. 290 00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:25,035 (goofy laugh) 291 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,168 (grunting) 292 00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:34,003 Roll the cartoon. 293 00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,338 ♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show ♪ 294 00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:41,719 Bart, our cartoon's on TV! 295 00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:43,095 All right! 296 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,096 Turn up the volume. 297 00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:48,851 MAN: Erosion is a slow but steady process. 298 00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,478 (screaming) 299 00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:53,981 Ah, this show ain't no good. 300 00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:55,024 Hyah! 301 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:57,359 (piano plays) 302 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:58,778 {\an8}♪ They fought and bit ♪ 303 00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:00,529 {\an8}♪ They fought and fought and bit ♪ 304 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,824 {\an8}♪ Fought, fought, fought bit, bit, bit ♪ 305 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:08,078 ♪ It was the Itchy & Scratchy show ♪ 306 00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:14,001 (playing end theme from Stephen J. Cannell productions) 307 00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:19,131 (sighing) 308 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,717 Bart, Lisa, I have something to tell you 309 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,052 and I'm not proud of it. 310 00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:25,012 Dad, whatever you say, 311 00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:28,641 you know you'll always have my love and respect. 312 00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:31,185 I never graduated from high school. 313 00:13:31,268 --> 00:13:32,394 (laughing) 314 00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:35,272 (growls) 315 00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:37,066 (gagging) 316 00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:39,151 (doorbell rings) 317 00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,029 Hello, son. 318 00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:43,572 I was on my way home from work 319 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,282 and thought I'd drop by. 320 00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,451 Oh... you have a job? 321 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,829 They pay me $800 a week 322 00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:52,540 to tell a cat and mouse what to do. 323 00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,959 I see. 324 00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:57,336 ♪ La, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪ 325 00:13:57,419 --> 00:14:02,842 ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la--♪ 326 00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:05,386 Dad, can we talk to Grandpa alone for a minute? 327 00:14:05,469 --> 00:14:07,513 All right, but if he starts to wig out 328 00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:09,890 try to lure him into the cellar. 329 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,977 Then we put your name on the script and sent it in. 330 00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:14,144 Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks 331 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:16,146 for doing absolutely nothing? 332 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:19,316 I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again. 333 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,277 Grandpa, we could write the scripts for you 334 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,945 and split the money three ways. 335 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,071 I don't know. 336 00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:25,281 I'd better sleep on it. 337 00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:28,033 (snoring) 338 00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:29,493 Grandpa? 339 00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:31,745 -Grandpa! -Ah! Duh! 340 00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,747 Oh, why did you wake me? 341 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,333 I was having the nicest dream. 342 00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:39,837 I dreamt I was the queen of the old west. 343 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,173 I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did. 344 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,342 -Do we have a deal? -Sure, sure. 345 00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:46,510 (snoring) 346 00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,848 Boys, stop! 347 00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:52,850 You can both marry me. 348 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:53,976 Whoo! 349 00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,436 Whoo! Yee-hee! 350 00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:04,820 Hey, how would you kids like a tour of the studio? 351 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,238 BOTH: Yay! 352 00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:08,949 Abe, you coming? 353 00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:10,826 -Any stairs? -Just one. 354 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,494 Nuts to you. 355 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,246 (snoring) 356 00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:27,676 {\an8}Wow, it must be expensive to produce all these cartoons. 357 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,136 Well, we cut corners. 358 00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:30,512 Sometimes, to save money 359 00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:33,182 our animators will reuse the same backgrounds 360 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,392 over and over and over again. 361 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,279 Welcome to Remedial Science 1A. 362 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,156 My wife recently passed away. 363 00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:51,533 I thought teaching might ease my loneliness. 364 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:52,910 Will this be on the test? 365 00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:54,620 -No. -Oh. 366 00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:59,291 Hey, Mel, bring me another nicotine patch. 367 00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:02,294 I think there's some space on my butt. 368 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:05,297 And now here's another fine Itchy & Scratchy cartoon 369 00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,633 by Abraham Simpson. 370 00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:09,134 ALL: Yay! 371 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:20,729 (screaming) 372 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:24,024 (screaming) 373 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:54,430 Now I'm going to burn this doughnut to show you 374 00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:56,140 how many calories it has. 375 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,808 No! 376 00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:00,394 The bright blue flame indicates this was 377 00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:01,520 a particularly sweet doughnut. 378 00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:03,188 (sobbing) 379 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:04,690 This is not happening. 380 00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:06,442 This is not happening. 381 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,610 ABE: Dear Mr. President: 382 00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:11,947 There are too many states nowadays. 383 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,699 Please eliminate three. 384 00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:15,784 I am not a crackpot. 385 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:16,910 Good news, Abe. 386 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,370 Who are you? 387 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:21,040 No, no, you've been nominated for an award. 388 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:23,375 You're so good, I fired the other writers. 389 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,294 From now on, the fate of the entire company 390 00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:28,297 rests on that delightful coconut of yours. 391 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,549 Oh, no, we're all doomed. 392 00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:32,509 I'm a complete fraud. 393 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,678 Sorry, I didn't catch any of that. 394 00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,722 And now I got to go. 395 00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:39,808 All right, here are your exams. 396 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,935 50 questions, true or false. 397 00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:43,145 True. 398 00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:44,855 Homer, I was just describing the test. 399 00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:46,315 -True. -Look, Homer, 400 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:47,858 just take the test and you'll do fine. 401 00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:48,859 False. 402 00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:52,029 All right, brain, 403 00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:54,031 you don't like me, and I don't like you 404 00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:55,699 but let's just do this 405 00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:58,410 and I can get back to killing you with beer. 406 00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,287 It's a deal. 407 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,582 Thank you for this award. 408 00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:05,834 It is a tribute to this great country 409 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:09,129 that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt 410 00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,756 could win back your trust. 411 00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:12,341 Yo, Grandpa, time for the awards. 412 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,427 Did you call the girl from the escort service? 413 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,638 They said their insurance won't cover you. 414 00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:19,681 That's an onion in the ointment. 415 00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:28,440 ANNOUNCER: And now to present the award 416 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,192 for outstanding writing in a cartoon series, 417 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:33,695 Krusty the Clown and Brooke Shields. 418 00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:37,533 Well, here we are--. 419 00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:43,080 The star of "The Blue Lagoon" and me, the blue-haired goon. 420 00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:44,498 What the-- 421 00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:46,333 That's terrible. 422 00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:49,628 Cartoons have the power to make us laugh and to make us cry. 423 00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:51,421 Wouldn't you agree, Krusty? 424 00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:54,883 First of all, my hair is green, not blue. 425 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,344 I got nothing to work with here. Nothing. 426 00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:58,679 Uh-- 427 00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:01,932 Well, at least I can take off this girdle. 428 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:03,183 (grunting) 429 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:06,687 Oh, yeah. 430 00:19:06,770 --> 00:19:10,649 The nominees for best writing in a cartoon series are: 431 00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:12,317 Strongdar, Master of Acom. 432 00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:14,361 "The Wedding" episode. 433 00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:17,656 Action Figure Man. 434 00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:20,325 The "How to Buy Action Figure Man" episode. 435 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:24,121 Please, Mommy, I want it. 436 00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:26,165 Hmm-- 437 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,419 Ren and Stimpy. Season premiere. 438 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,465 And finally, Itchy & Scratchy. 439 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,676 The "Little Barber Shop of Horrors" episode. 440 00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:39,261 Cross my fingers for me. 441 00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:40,637 (cracking) 442 00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:42,681 That's gonna hurt come winter. 443 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,142 (screaming) 444 00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:51,982 (giggling) 445 00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:55,152 And the winner is-- 446 00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:56,486 "Itchy & Scratchy. 447 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,113 Abraham Simpson, writer." 448 00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,742 BART: All right, Grandpa, whoo! 449 00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:07,873 That was the first time I ever saw Itchy & Scratchy 450 00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:10,125 and I didn't like it one bit. 451 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,669 It was disgusting and violent. 452 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:15,547 I think all you people are despicable. 453 00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:17,299 For shame! 454 00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:18,759 (grumbling) 455 00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,555 He's right. We've been wasting our lives. 456 00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:25,015 The hell with cartoons. 457 00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:27,017 I'm gonna do what I've always dreamed of. 458 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,144 I want to write that sitcom about the sassy robot. 459 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,231 Here, kids, I guess you deserve this. 460 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,857 Let's go. 461 00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:37,027 LISA: I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grandpa? 462 00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,570 Nope. 463 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:40,781 BART: I'll never watch an awards show again 464 00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:44,201 unless that delightful Billy Crystal is involved. 465 00:20:44,284 --> 00:20:46,078 Marge, I passed! 466 00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:48,413 That's wonderful, Homie. 467 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:50,332 At our next high school reunion 468 00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,834 I'll have nothing to be ashamed of. 469 00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:01,426 Hello, Dondalinger. 470 00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:04,554 Simpson, is that a plunger stuck on your head? 471 00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:07,683 D'oh! 472 00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:08,767 (groans) 473 00:21:12,562 --> 00:21:14,106 ♪ Hens love roosters ♪ 474 00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:15,732 ♪ Geese love ganders ♪ 475 00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:18,527 ♪ Everyone else loves Ned Flanders ♪ 476 00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:20,279 Not me. 477 00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:22,864 ♪ Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders ♪ 478 00:21:26,576 --> 00:21:28,245 Knock that off, you two. 479 00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:29,705 It's time for church. 480 00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:31,957 We're not going to church today. 481 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,041 (gasps) What? 482 00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:35,043 You give me one good reason. 483 00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:36,628 It's Saturday. 484 00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:38,630 Okely-dokely-doo. 485 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:40,549 ♪ Hens love roosters ♪ 486 00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:42,175 ♪ Geese love ganders ♪ 487 00:21:42,259 --> 00:21:45,053 ♪ Everyone else loves Ned Flanders ♪ 488 00:21:46,054 --> 00:21:47,806 ♪♪ 489 00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:31,975 Shh! 490 00:22:35,395 --> 00:22:38,273 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.