♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
MAN: Products you could only imagine before.
The S.S. Microwave.
(dings)
Ah, my crepes are done.
The Doggy Doorman.
Good evening, Rex.
And Mobilier--
The chandelier for your car.
(grunts)
Whoa!
All On: I can't believe they invented it!
Hello, everybody.
I'm Troy McClure,
star of such films as "'P' is for Psycho"
and "The President's Neck is Missing."
But now I'm here to tell you
about a remarkable new invention.
(forceful groaning)
Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange.
(groaning)
(gasps) You mean there's a better way?
But that's all changed, thanks to the Juice Loosener.
Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
Hello, Troy. Hi, everybody.
ALL: Hi, Dr. Nick.
Troy, would you like a glass of orange juice?
I sure would, but won't we have to pay
those outrageous grocery store prices
for something the farmer probably spit in?
Not anymore!
All thanks to the new Juice Loosener.
(grinding)
Doctor, are you sure it's on?
I can't hear a thing!
It's whisper quiet!
(plop)
You got all that from one bag of oranges?
That's right.
Order now
and you'll also get Sun and Run,
the suntan lotion that's also a laxative.
Got to get a juicer. Got to drink juice, lose weight.
Won't get chest pains from answering the phone anymore.
Please don't tell the supervisor
I have the flu.
I've been working with a shattered pelvis
for three weeks.
(laughing)
(laughter stops)
(coughs)
Oh, my Juice Loosener is never going to come.
Hey, Dad, this came for you in the mail.
Whoo-hoo!
(screams)
Mother, get an extra special hug ready.
I bought you a new juicer.
(gasps) Good Lord!
Flu germs entering every orifice in my head.
(groans)
Happy birthday.
(both screaming)
(clanging)
(humming)
Huh? What the..?
(screaming)
The dreaded Osaka flu has hit Springfield
with over 300 cases now reported.
Now over to Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky.
Route 401 is going around and around
and around and around and around.
And look out at the corner of 12th and Main
because I'm gonna be sick. Woop--
Okay, Mr. Sun.
Gimme what you got.
(screaming)
98.6. You're fine.
Now hurry up, or you'll miss your bus.
Maybe you'd better take that temperature one more time.
Sarge, we keep getting orders
to let the virus win.
Must be a school day.
Lay down your arms.
All right!
Let's make some pus.
(slurping and laughing)
Ahh...
(groaning)
(screaming)
(laughing)
(coughing)
MAN: And now, for an emergency announcement from the mayor.
People of Springfield, because of the epidemic,
I have canceled my vacation to the Bahamas.
I shall not leave the city...
Hey, you! Get that steel drum
out of the, uh, mayor's office.
Sorry, mon.
Smithers, this plague doesn't scare me.
I've constructed a germ-free chamber for myself.
Not a single microbe can get in or out.
Who the devil are you?
Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
My name is Mr. Burns.
D'oh!
ALL: We need a cure!
We need a cure!
(laughing)
Why, the only cure is bed rest.
Anything I give you would only be a placebo.
Where do we get these placebos?
Maybe there's some in this truck.
(buzzing)
(screaming)
I'm cured!
I mean, ouch!
Dad, Todd's speaking in tongues!
(babbling)
I wish he were, Rod.
I pray for the day, but I...
I'm afraid he's just delirious from fever.
(babbling)
Oh, Neddy, why has God forsaken us?
I can't imagine what we could have done to...
Oh...
(gasps) Oh, no!
Hey, Peg, you got to take better care of the house.
These plants are all lifeless and limp.
Maybe they'd feel more at home in the bedroom, Al.
(audience cheering)
(laughing)
-(thunder crackling) -Uh-oh.
Oh, the network slogan is true.
"Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity."
LISA: Mom, can you bring me more O.J.?
BART: Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphine?
There's no such thing.
HOMER: Marge, the boy is wasting valuable time.
Come change the channel and pat my head.
In a minute!
HOMER: But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo.
And get me a bottle of bourbon.
Grandpa, you know you can't have liquids
after 3:00 p.m.
You can stir it into my mush.
Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme!
LISA: Mom, I need more O.J.
BART: Flintstones chewable morphine!
HOMER: I'll miss Sheriff Lobo.
Mom, I need more O.J.!
Flintstones chewable morphine!
I'll miss Sheriff Lobo.
-O.J.! -Morphine!
-Lobo! -O.J.!
-Morphine! -Lobo.
And a bottle of aspirin please.
The aspirin is 24.95.
24.95?!
I lowered the price
because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.
(grumbling)
-(alarm bell ringing) -(gasps)
Oh, dear! The alarm must be broken.
If you could just move a bit to your left.
(whispering) 8'6...
Oh, Sanjay, help Mrs. Simpson with her bag.
And while you're at it...
(both speaking foreign language)
Hmm...
(gasps) Mrs. Simpson, you did not pay for this bottle
of Colonel Kwik-e-Mart's Kentucky Bourbon.
Oh...
no, I...
I guess I didn't.
-(siren blaring and tires screeching) -(gasps)
All right, come out with your hands up,
two cups of coffee,
an auto freshener that says "Capricorn,"
and something with coconut on it.
Now, Marge, you've come to the right place.
By hiring me as your lawyer,
you also get this smoking monkey.
Better cut down there, Smokey.
Mr. Hutz...
Look, he's taking another puff!
Mr. Hutz, this was all a misunderstanding.
I didn't mean to take anything.
Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson.
I... uh-oh.
We've drawn Judge Snider.
Is that bad?
Well, he's had it in for me
ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
You did?
Well, replace the word "kinda"
with the word "repeatedly,"
and the word "dog" with "son."
(groaning)
Look, Marge, I'll just talk to Apu,
and I'm sure he'll be reasonable.
(singing and Indian music playing)
Apu!
I'd like you to drop the charges against my wife.
No offense, but we're putting that bitch on ice!
Now, come on! I'm your best customer.
I'm sorry, Mr. Homer,
but it is the policy of the Kwik-e-Mart,
and its parent corporation Nordyne Defense Dynamics,
to prosecute shoplifters to the full extent of the law.
(singing and Indian music playing)
Don't tell anyone,
but Marge Simpson was arrested for shoplifting.
Let the word go forth from this time and place,
Marge Simpson is a shoplifter.
Hey!
In other news, the chick in "The Crying Game"
is really a man.
(booing)
I mean, man, is that a good movie.
(cheering)
And last Christmas,
Marge made us gingerbread men,
and there was a hair in one.
Well, I'll let you in on a little secret
about Marge Simpson.
She's got webbed toes.
-(chuckles) -Eww, that's gross.
Oh, puh-lease.
Now, Marge don't you worry.
We've all had our brushes with the law.
(knocking)
Are you Ed Flanders?
No. Ned Flanders.
My mistake.
I'll never have that problem again.
Um... will you excuse me while I go and freshen up?
I'll follow her.
(water running)
Just wash your hands
and get out.
(groaning)
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury
who do you find more attractive,
Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson?
What is the point of all this?
Your honor, I feel so confident
of Marge Simpson's guilt
that I can waste the court's time
by rating the superhunks.
(excited murmuring)
Ooh, he's going to win.
Mr. Hutz!
Now, Mrs. Lovejoy,
could you tell us a little about Marge Simpson?
Well, as the wife of the minister,
I'm privy to a lot of sensitive information.
And here it is.
Marge's husband doesn't earn much,
and the family's a mess
and quite frankly, I think she, um....
Let the record show
that the witness made the drinky-drinky motion.
And if we freeze on frame 138, we distinctly see
a puff of blue hair coming from the grassy knoll.
Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot
she was carrying that bottle of...
delicious bourbon,
brownest of the brown liquors.
So tempting.
What's that?
You want me to drink you?
But I'm in the middle of a trial.
Excuse me.
(ringing)
Hello, David? I'm really tempted.
Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.
I love you, too, man.
So, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name
have you ever forgotten anything?
No.
In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places.
The last digit is one.
Mmm, pie.
Well, if you never forget anything
tell me this: What color tie am I wearing?
You are wearing
a red and white striped club tie
in a half-Windsor knot.
Oh, I am, am I?
Is that what you think?
Well, if that is what you think,
I have something to tell you.
Something that may shock and discredit you.
And that thing is as follows:
I'm not wearing a tie at all.
(gasping)
But if I am wrong about that,
maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson.
No further questions.
Kids, I got a crazy feeling
your mom's not going to prison.
(cheering)
You're a latter-day Clarence Darrow.
Uh, was he the black guy on "The Mod Squad"?
Mr. Hutz, when I grow up,
I want to be a lawyer just like you.
Good for you, son.
If there's one thing America needs,
it's more lawyers.
Can you imagine a world without lawyers?
♪♪
(shudders)
And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I rest my case.
Hmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know you're not wearing any pants?
What? (yells)
I move for a bad court thingy.
You mean a mistrial?
Yeah. That's why you're the judge
and I'm the law-talking guy.
-The lawyer. -Right.
The foreman will pass the verdict to the bailiff.
This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin.
And it still says "guilty."
-And "guilty" is spelled wrong. -Eep.
Will the foreman please read the real verdict?
We find the defendant guilty.
Marge Simpson,
I sentence you to 30 days in prison.
Next case, the National Council of Churches
v. Lionel Hutz.
Oh, right. That thing.
(weeping)
You're still my hero, Mom.
Now you kids be good while mother's in prison.
Don't worry, Mom.
I'll bust you out of there
just as soon as I get a cocktail dress and a crowbar.
Bartina, until I met you,
I was the loneliest warden in the penal system.
Fresh.
Oh... down I go.
(chuckles)
I'll be fine, dear.
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much,
and it's not just the sex.
It's also the food preparation,
your skill with stains of all kinds,
but mostly I'll miss how lucky you make me feel
each and every morning.
I'll miss you, too, Homie.
With her behind bars, our store is secure.
(air brakes releasing)
(diesel engine running)
I'm taking this thing to Mexico.
(laughing)
Knock, knock.
I'm Marge Simpson, your new cellmate.
I'm Phillips.
They call me that 'cause I killed my husband
with a Phillips head screwdriver.
Hmm.
It's so nice not to have to cook.
You mean your husband never cooked for you?
Well, once.
Homer, I don't think this fish is quite dead yet.
HOMER: Marge, please.
I'm having enough trouble with the lobsters.
Oh, uh! D'oh!
Oh, my goodness.
That's Tattoo Annie.
(Marge reads tattoo)
Hmm. I don't understand.
It's one of those Mad Magazine fold-ins.
Amazing.
Now, kids, while your mother's gone,
I don't want to have to wash any dishes,
so from now on drink straight from the faucet or milk carton,
and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet.
Who's gonna change Maggie?
We're gonna let her roam free in the backyard,
and nature will take its course.
Excuse me, but I think if we all do our fair share
we can keep this house clean.
(yowling)
(crashing)
(growling)
Dad, we're running out of clean clothes.
It seems like I've been wearing this same red dress forever.
HOMER: Go up to the attic.
There's a whole trunk of clothes up there.
(humming "Bridal March")
All right! Bologna and cheese!
What do you got, Bart?
Pack of sugar,
and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.
Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird.
So's yours.
Oh, yeah. Let's play.
LISA: Oh, Mom, I've missed you so much.
Oh, honey, I've missed you too.
Homer, is that an old Halloween costume?
Uh...
no.
So, how are things at home?
We flushed a gator down the toilet,
but it got stuck halfway, and now we have to feed it.
I'll bet you want a piece of me.
Well, you ain't going to get it.
See? Ha-ha-ha!
Oh...
Hey!
Gosh darn it.
HOMER: Honey, I don't know what you're feeling right now,
so I don't want to push anything.
We can just hold hands or sit and talk.
(growling)
(Homer yells)
Oh, do you have any of those delicious marshmallow squares?
Sorry, Marge Simpson makes those.
-Oh, darn. -(everyone sighs)
$15 short.
Exactly what Marge Simpson's marshmallow squares bring in.
Can we still afford that statue of Lincoln?
No, I'm afraid we'll have to go with something cheaper.
Eh.
I, uh, give you our 39th president...
Jimmy Carter.
Oh, come on.
He's history's greatest monster.
(angry yelling)
Release the dogs.
Gee, they look pretty mad.
Yeah, I've been starving 'em, teasing 'em,
singing off-key.
(singing off-key)
(screaming) No, no, no! Nice doggie!
This never would have happened
if Marge Simpson was here.
Good-bye, Marge.
I'll miss you.
I hope you find somebody.
Men are such slime, but I'm seeing this new guy.
I think he's different.
Yoo-hoo! (belches)
He says his name is Homer,
and he works at the nuclear plant.
Oh...
We've got to clean this up before Mom gets back.
No problemo.
We'll just sweep it all under the rug.
(rumbling)
(crunching and cracking)
MAN: Hey, watch it.
(cheering and applause)
I didn't expect all this.
Well, we never should have let you go.
From now on I'll use my gossip for good
instead of evil.
Three cheers for Marge Simpson.
ALL: Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
Now, Marge,
we have a special treat for you.
Uh... it's beautiful.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.