1 00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:05,588 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:11,177 (bell ringing) 3 00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:12,804 (tires screech) 4 00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:15,724 D'oh! 5 00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:16,683 -Aah! -(tires screech) 6 00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,437 (glass shattering) 7 00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:36,703 {\an8}-(chortling) -(applause) 8 00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:39,456 {\an8}Please, Krusty, this is very demeaning. 9 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,416 {\an8}Shut up and conduct! 10 00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:42,417 (chittering) 11 00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,086 ("Blue Danube waltz") 12 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,343 {\an8}(chitters) 13 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:56,473 {\an8}-(screaming) -(all monkeys screeching) 14 00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,975 {\an8}-(gnawing) -(groaning) 15 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,769 {\an8}(laughing) 16 00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:06,024 {\an8}Maggie, can you point to the monkey? 17 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,026 {\an8}(blows raspberry) What do babies know? 18 00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:10,278 {\an8}Maggie, can you point to the credenza? 19 00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:14,074 {\an8}-D'oh! -MARGE: Homer, you didn't do 20 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,159 {\an8}a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake. 21 00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:20,163 {\an8}What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? 22 00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:23,208 Oh. (chewing loudly) 23 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,795 {\an8}Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! 24 00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,630 {\an8}I made a special cake for you to ruin. 25 00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:31,299 {\an8}-It's over there. -Ooh. 26 00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:33,760 {\an8}-(chews loudly) -(doorbell rings) 27 00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:38,056 {\an8}Hello, everyone, except Homer. 28 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:41,142 {\an8}Happy birthday, granddaughter. 29 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:44,187 {\an8}Marge, I think that's your father-in-law across the street. 30 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:49,526 Happy birthday! 31 00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,653 Everybody get ready. 32 00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:53,738 Here comes the birthday girl 33 00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:56,825 in her very first dress. 34 00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,076 ALL: Aww! 35 00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,411 She's a little angel. 36 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:04,374 Yeah. I wanna put a hook in her and hang her from our Christmas tree. 37 00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:06,876 What smells? 38 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,128 Uh-oh. 39 00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:14,342 Shouldn't we wait for the other babies before we open the presents? 40 00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:16,052 We didn't invite the other babies. 41 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,513 Maggie doesn't seem to get along with the other babies. 42 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:27,939 MARGE: Maggie, we have a surprise for you! 43 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,528 (whimpering) 44 00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:35,655 (shutters clicking) 45 00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:37,532 (whimpers) 46 00:02:37,615 --> 00:02:42,287 Ooh, put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent on a wad of cotton. 47 00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:43,830 Put the cotton in her ear. 48 00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:45,165 That'll stop them shakes. 49 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,585 No, no. What she needs is a Balsam Specific. 50 00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,128 Balsam Specific! 51 00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:52,380 Oof-- While we're burning money, 52 00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:55,425 why don't we give her a curative galvanic belt too? 53 00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:58,178 (raspy voice) Don't forget to give her Smeckler's powder. 54 00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,512 BOTH: Don't make fun. 55 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:05,602 I remember Lisa's third birthday. 56 00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:09,189 She and Bart did this adorable little song and dance routine. 57 00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:10,815 Oh! (laughs) 58 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,817 That was a real horn-honker! 59 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,278 -Let's see it. -(Bart groans) 60 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,822 Now! Do it! 61 00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,157 (both groaning) 62 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,074 Do it! 63 00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:25,955 ♪ Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs ♪ 64 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,540 Sing it like you mean it! 65 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:30,793 ♪ What kinds of kids eat Armour hot dogs ♪ 66 00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,879 -♪ Fat kids ♪ -♪ Skinny kids ♪ 67 00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:34,923 ♪ Kids who climb on rocks ♪ 68 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,799 -♪ Tough kids ♪ -♪ Sissy kids ♪ 69 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,468 ♪ Even kids with chicken pox ♪ 70 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:40,303 ALL: ♪ Love hot dogs ♪ 71 00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:42,055 ♪ Armour hot dogs ♪ 72 00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:46,643 ♪ The dogs kids love to ♪ 73 00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:50,313 {\an8}(off-key) ♪ Bite ♪ 74 00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:51,689 Doesn't this family know any songs 75 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:52,982 that aren't commercials? 76 00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:59,197 ALL: ♪ I feel like chicken tonight ♪ 77 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,283 ♪ Like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight ♪ 78 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:05,370 (sighs) 79 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,373 It's been great spending time with my family again. 80 00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:11,668 I guess the next time I see you won't be until Thanksgiving. 81 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:14,837 Or if not then, Christmas. 82 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:17,257 I suppose I'll be getting home too. 83 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:20,009 At least I got Matlock to keep me company. 84 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,387 D'oh! He's on in five minutes! 85 00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,389 He is? Step on it! 86 00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:25,682 (tires screech) 87 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,016 OLD MAN: Hurry up! Hurry! 88 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,810 Each Matlock could be our last. 89 00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:31,104 Homie, you know it's funny, 90 00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:34,274 both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely. 91 00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:36,401 (giggles) That is funny. 92 00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:39,862 Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together, 93 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,407 or shopping, or to that room in the library 94 00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,117 that's always full of old people-- 95 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,702 Periodicals, that's it! 96 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:49,622 Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. 97 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:51,541 They need to be isolated and studied, 98 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,543 so it can be determined what nutrients they have 99 00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:55,712 that might be extracted for our personal use. 100 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,797 Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet? 101 00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,257 Oh! 102 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,556 Say, I've got a neat idea. 103 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,016 Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, 104 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:09,600 and we'll go out to dinner? 105 00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,269 I'll be back in a jiffy! 106 00:05:16,357 --> 00:05:17,567 That's not my mother. 107 00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,736 I'll be back in a jiffy! 108 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:25,241 Can I come too? 109 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,284 Oh. 110 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:30,371 (electrical buzzing) 111 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,419 You know, Mom, you and Abe have a lot in common. 112 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:39,047 Um-- Hmm. 113 00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:42,050 You both got swindled by that telemarketing scam. 114 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:45,511 Oh, it's not a swindle. What you do is, see, 115 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,764 you give them all your credit card numbers, 116 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:52,060 and if one of them is lucky, they'll send you a prize. 117 00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:55,438 I was just happy to talk to someone on the phone. 118 00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,899 Aw, feelin' blue, eh? 119 00:05:57,982 --> 00:05:59,817 I got somethin' that'll cheer you up. 120 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,528 {\an8}(grunts) 121 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:07,241 {\an8}(humming) 122 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,581 -(wheezy laugh) -(humming continues) 123 00:06:13,664 --> 00:06:14,582 Hmm? 124 00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,459 Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin. 125 00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:18,503 I have a court order demanding an immediate halt 126 00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:20,296 to this unauthorized imitation. 127 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,632 -Boys! -(both grunting) 128 00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:28,930 And here's a picture of me getting arrested 129 00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,765 for indecent exposure. 130 00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:34,227 It was the most embarrassing day of my life. 131 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,938 (Grampa whistles) Lift those gams! 132 00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:39,357 You were one nifty number. 133 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,275 The boys all paid attention to me 134 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:43,945 and it drove my friends crazy. 135 00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:45,655 Oh, who were your friends? 136 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:47,448 Oh, Zelda Fitzgerald, 137 00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:50,118 Frances Farmer, and little Sylvia Plath. 138 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:54,747 You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember 139 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,250 and a song that may never have existed 140 00:06:57,333 --> 00:07:00,545 and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to. 141 00:07:00,628 --> 00:07:02,171 You're so sweet. 142 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,967 Ooh, I feel all funny. 143 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:09,345 (gasps) I'm in love! 144 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,305 No, wait, it's a stroke. 145 00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:15,476 -(sirens blaring) -GRAMPA: No, wait, it is love! 146 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:20,398 I'm in lo-o-o-o-ve! 147 00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:22,608 (car horns honking) 148 00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:30,158 -(applause) -Hello, I'm Troy McClure. 149 00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:32,201 {\an8}You might remember me from such films as 150 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,287 {\an8}"The Boatjacking of Supership 79" 151 00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:37,540 {\an8}and "Hydro: The Man with the Hydraulic Arms". 152 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,959 {\an8}Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network, 153 00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:43,087 {\an8}your chance to own a piece of Itchy and Scratchy, 154 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,631 {\an8}the toontown twosome beloved by everyone-- 155 00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:48,176 {\an8}Even cynical members of Generation X. 156 00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:50,887 (scoffs) Yeah, "groovy." 157 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:52,972 {\an8}Troy, I'm proud to offer your viewers 158 00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:55,933 {\an8}these hand-drawn Itchy & Scratchy animation cels. 159 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:59,312 {\an8}Each one is absolutely, positively, 100% guaranteed 160 00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:00,605 {\an8}to increase in value. 161 00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:01,647 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: Not a guarantee. 162 00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:02,648 Whoo! 163 00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,568 -(grunts) -(grunts) 164 00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:08,321 Pardon me, sir. Forgive my clumsiness. 165 00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:09,572 Not at all. 166 00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:13,367 -(chuckling) -(chuckling) 167 00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:16,245 Uh, yes, my name is Homer Simpson. 168 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,247 And I'd like to order an Itchy & Scratchy cel. 169 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,249 My credit card? 170 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,461 Uh, do you accept the "Federal Breast Inspector's" card? 171 00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:26,464 "License to Ogle"? "Vyza"? 172 00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:28,841 Oh, yes, of course. That's what I meant, "Visa." 173 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:29,842 It's these new dentures. 174 00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,261 (all chomping food loudly) 175 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,555 Well, I think it's wonderful that your father 176 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,807 has fallen in love with my mother. 177 00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:38,351 Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing-- 178 00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:39,810 Damn opposed! 179 00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:42,188 He's damn opposed. Damn, damn, damn opposed. 180 00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:43,439 Bart! 181 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,732 Homer, what possible reason could you have 182 00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:47,235 against Grampa being in love? 183 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:51,072 If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! 184 00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:53,574 And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks 185 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:57,411 with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand! 186 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,831 (screams) 187 00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:03,668 -(line ringing) -Hello, Mom? 188 00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:07,838 Fine. You know Abe had a very nice time with you last Sunday. 189 00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:09,090 Tell her I love her! 190 00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:10,800 Grampa, shh! I know my mother. 191 00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,594 If you come on too strong, she's going to get scared away. 192 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,680 -I love ya. -What? 193 00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,807 Uh, I love ya, mom. 194 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:19,850 -I love ya. I love ya. -I love ya. I love ya. 195 00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,978 I love ya, mom. Gotta go. 196 00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,854 (doorbell rings) 197 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:28,484 Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. 198 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,653 That's me! (groans) 199 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:33,030 Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra. 200 00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:33,990 (doorbell rings) 201 00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,994 I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. 202 00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:40,413 Uh, that's me. (groans) 203 00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:43,666 Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range. 204 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,876 -(doorbell rings) -(moans) 205 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,504 MAN: Homer Simpson, I've got a, uh, 206 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,214 special delivery for you. 207 00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:51,632 Go away. 208 00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,634 If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson, 209 00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:56,637 I cannot give you your... special delivery. 210 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:00,725 (sighs) 211 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,520 Here's your special delivery. 212 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,273 -Thanks. (groans) -That's for keepin' me waiting. 213 00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:11,652 Hey, Lis, guess who's got a genuine 214 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,446 Itchy & Scratchy animation cel? 215 00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:16,115 Oh! That is so cool! That is so exciting! 216 00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:17,283 That is so-- 217 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:20,661 Crappy. 218 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,580 It looks like part of Scratchy's arm. 219 00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:26,792 Oh, no. I used Dad's credit card to buy this? 220 00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:30,463 -Yeesh! How much was it? -$350. 221 00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:33,090 - Ooh. -Ha-ha! 222 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,092 -(weakly) Ha, ha, ha. -Oh, my God. 223 00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:37,887 This boy is having an out-of-body experience. 224 00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:40,348 This is very... bad for business. 225 00:10:41,557 --> 00:10:42,892 Hot diggity! 226 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:46,520 I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eating an apple! 227 00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,940 (licking, kissing noises) 228 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:52,943 I even bought me some special novelty dentures. 229 00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,862 {\an8}See? 230 00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:57,073 Dad, that will never work. 231 00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:02,328 If you wanna make your move, you gotta play it cool. 232 00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:04,497 (jazzy singsong) Now, what you gotta do, 233 00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,916 if you wanna get a kiss, 234 00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:11,462 is act real smooth and make your move like this. 235 00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:15,841 -(yawns) -Oh, I see. 236 00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,094 So, if I take your advice 237 00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,554 and make your patented move, 238 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:25,101 then my chances for love will slightly improve. 239 00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,687 (yawns) 240 00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,188 (giggles) 241 00:11:29,271 --> 00:11:30,981 Now what's that rule? 242 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,109 Play it cool. 243 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,279 (doorbell rings) 244 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:38,989 (screams) 245 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:41,659 {\an8}(big band music plays) 246 00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:50,042 Is this cel worth anything? 247 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,586 (sighs) Let me show you something. 248 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:55,673 This-- This is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler. 249 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:57,299 It is worth something. 250 00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,927 This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody. 251 00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,387 It is worth nothing. 252 00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,556 Can't you give me anything for it? 253 00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:06,142 I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth. 254 00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:08,185 -(groans) -No groaning in my store. 255 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:13,733 {\an8}("Moonlight Serenade" plays) 256 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:18,028 Oh, my favorite song. 257 00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:20,448 This is so nice. 258 00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:24,034 I can't remember when I felt this young. 259 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:26,787 Oh! I really can't. 260 00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:31,834 -Oh. -MR. BURNS: Say, sport. 261 00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:33,544 Mind if I have the next dance? 262 00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:35,087 Wha-- D'oh! What the-- 263 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,089 Don't sneak up on a-- Oh, you! 264 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,675 No need for the blown gasket, Charlie. 265 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,844 I'll have her back in one piece. 266 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,597 ("Sing, Sing, Sing") 267 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:46,724 Hey! 268 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:58,027 (growls) That big ape thinks he can muscle in 269 00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,487 on my girl, does he? 270 00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,113 I'll show him. 271 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:04,033 I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime. 272 00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,034 (grunts) 273 00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:18,964 (Mr. Burns laughing) 274 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,841 -(wheezing) -(laughs) 275 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:23,761 I swear, Monty. You are the devil himself. 276 00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,721 I-- Who told you? 277 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,765 Oh, yes, yes, well. 278 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,141 I'd say you were an angel, but 279 00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,936 angels don't dance like that. 280 00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:33,813 -Oh! -(laughs) 281 00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:37,441 (grumbles) 282 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,821 (groans) 283 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:48,744 Good night, Mrs. Bouvier, 284 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:52,039 wherever you are. 285 00:13:52,122 --> 00:13:54,708 (groans) 286 00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:02,091 Mr. Simpson, I represent the estate of Jimmy Durante. 287 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:04,051 I have a court order demanding an immediate halt 288 00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:05,970 to this unauthorized imitation. Boys! 289 00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:07,930 (growling) 290 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:11,183 Well, would it be all right with you 291 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,602 if I just laid down in the street and died? 292 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:14,812 (papers rustling) 293 00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:16,313 MAN: Yes, that would be acceptable. 294 00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,904 {\an8}Smithers, guess what happened to me last night? 295 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:25,072 I don't know, sir. 296 00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:26,657 You had sex with that old woman? 297 00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:28,325 She said "no" to me. 298 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:30,494 Do you know how many women have said "no" to me? 299 00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:33,706 130-- But only one since I've become a billionaire. 300 00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:37,001 And she's the one for me. I'm in love! 301 00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:39,545 -Whoop-dee-do, sir. -Yes, whoop-dee-do. 302 00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:42,131 Whoop-dee-do to the world! Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Florist. 303 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:43,340 Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Physical trainer. 304 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,842 Whoop-dee-do, Mr. President. 305 00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,594 I'm happy you've finally found love. 306 00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:49,054 Whoop-dee-do, tarantula town. 307 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:50,848 Whoop-dee-do, employees. 308 00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:54,101 BURNS: Everyone who's found true love may leave early today. 309 00:14:54,184 --> 00:14:55,686 (cheering) 310 00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:56,687 HOMER: All right! 311 00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:58,606 (sniffles, sobs) 312 00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:02,860 "Memorandum to Mrs. Bouvier. Re: Delineation of romantic intentions." 313 00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:04,778 (scoffs) Too sappy. 314 00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,280 Smithers, come over here and help me write 315 00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:07,781 a mash note to my girlfriend. 316 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:09,158 Fine. 317 00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:13,537 Darling one: Read my words and hear my heart 318 00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:16,040 speak of a love, soft and undying. 319 00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:18,375 A love that will be with you always. 320 00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,377 Sincerely, yada-yada-yada. 321 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:21,587 That's marvelous. 322 00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,213 How did you think of that so fast? 323 00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:25,966 I... sent it to you on your birthday. 324 00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,344 (sniffles) Excuse me. I have something in my eye. 325 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,262 Hmm. 326 00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:32,348 Mom's almost ready for her date. 327 00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:35,017 She sure seems taken by this new beau. 328 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,227 I feel so bad for Grampa. 329 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:41,398 Dad says this new guy is a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire. 330 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,275 So, let's all be extra nice to him. 331 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:45,736 (doorbell rings) 332 00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:47,112 -(screaming) -Hello. 333 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:48,989 Why, it's-- It's, uh-- 334 00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:51,533 Oh, it's, uh-- 335 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:54,078 (whispers) 336 00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:55,996 -Ah. -(snickers) 337 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,916 Why it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma. 338 00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:01,335 Oh, and this must be little Pebbles. 339 00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,170 Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates. 340 00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:04,922 Yabba dabba do! 341 00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:08,759 He's an awful, awful, awful man. 342 00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:10,928 I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters. 343 00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:13,138 That's right, "money." 344 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:16,475 Your "money's" happiness is all that "moneys." 345 00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:19,353 -(exhales) -Hmm. 346 00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:22,856 Hi. You know, Grandma really likes it 347 00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,733 when her boyfriends are nice to me. 348 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,945 She especially likes it when they give me money. 349 00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:29,947 Run along, peewee. Baby gets nothing. 350 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:31,824 Very well, you leave me no choice. 351 00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:34,326 This gun is filled with ketchup. 352 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:37,871 This one with mustard. Now give me $350 bucks 353 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:39,832 or you're gonna be a mess for your date. 354 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,917 You don't have the guts. 355 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,839 (growls) 356 00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:49,842 (yells) Here. Take your money. Take it. 357 00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:53,053 Ooh! Now, the tables have turned, haven't they? 358 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,472 GRANDMA: Monty, I'm ready. 359 00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:59,393 -Hmm? -Ooh. 360 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,523 Oh, why'd she have to leave me? 361 00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:05,774 Hi, Abe. 362 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,068 We heard you was in need of some cheering up. 363 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,821 {\an8}So we got you a special cake. 364 00:17:10,904 --> 00:17:12,072 {\an8}(woman coughing) 365 00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,701 Uh-oh. Better call the nurse. 366 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,412 Bravissimo, Luigi. 367 00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:20,956 Bring us your finest bottle of vino. 368 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,750 Hey, you trust Luigi. 369 00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:26,211 He knows what for to make-a really nice the amore. 370 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:30,174 Monty, I've never been to a more romantic restaurant. 371 00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:32,885 LUIGI: Hey, Salvatore, break out the cheap hooch 372 00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:36,263 for Mr. No tip and the dried-up zombie he's-a captured. 373 00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:40,559 Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged $350 on your credit card. 374 00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:43,395 -What? -Don't worry. Here's the cash. 375 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,065 Whoo-hoo! $350. 376 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,692 Now, I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline. 377 00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:51,278 -But, Dad-- -(laughs) 378 00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:53,113 Oh, well, he's happy. 379 00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:55,282 I'm gonna keep this Mary Worth phone right here. 380 00:17:55,365 --> 00:18:00,162 Her stern, but sensible face will remind me never to do anything so stupid again. 381 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:02,289 (ringing) 382 00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:04,458 MILHOUSE: Hey, Bart, you wanna go play 383 00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:07,002 with that x-ray machine in the abandoned hospital? 384 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,087 Sure. 385 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:13,050 Now, my dear. If you look in your champagne, 386 00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,761 I think you'll find a little surprise. 387 00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:18,931 (slurps, gags) 388 00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:21,975 (laughs nervously) Not to worry. 389 00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:24,228 I believe there's another one around here somewhere. 390 00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:26,021 (yells) 391 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,606 Ooh! Yes. 392 00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,316 (joints cracking) My darling, 393 00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:32,152 since my kneecaps are filling with fluid as we speak, 394 00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:35,823 I'll be brief-- Will you marry me? 395 00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:39,576 Oh! Mom, you can't marry Mr. Burns. He's an evil man. 396 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,996 Evil, schmevil, Marge. Monty can provide for me. 397 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,082 Besides, he's a great kisser. 398 00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:46,625 Ew! Yuck! 399 00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:49,086 Mm, what about Abe Simpson? 400 00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:51,338 Don't you have any feelings for him? 401 00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:53,006 Oh, he's a dear, 402 00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,633 but he's too much of an old fusspot. 403 00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:57,177 We're all aware of Grampa's problems, 404 00:18:57,261 --> 00:19:00,556 but compared to Mr. Burns, he's Judge freaking Reinhold. 405 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,017 I don't know who that is. 406 00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,645 Oh! Who needs her? 407 00:19:06,728 --> 00:19:09,231 Now I'll have more time to read things 408 00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:11,024 I find on the ground. 409 00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:16,780 "la-tex con-do." 410 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,783 Boy, I'd like to live in one of those! 411 00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,330 (groans) 412 00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:30,085 {\an8}(chatter) 413 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,880 Hey, Barney, why don't you fill out the groom's side? 414 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:38,260 -Hey! Down in front! -Nein! 415 00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:41,555 (organ plays "Wedding March") 416 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,849 Where's Grampa? Wasn't he invited? 417 00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:45,726 {\an8}Yeah, but his reply envelope 418 00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:48,103 {\an8}just had a check to the gas company in it. 419 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:54,234 (both groaning) 420 00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,617 (camera shutters clicking) 421 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:06,079 And, so, when Eliphaz came down from Mount Hebron bearing figs, 422 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:09,291 he offered them to Moham, 423 00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:12,419 who you will remember is the father of Shecham, 424 00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:16,006 and to Hazar, on the occasion of their matrimony, 425 00:20:16,089 --> 00:20:17,633 much in the same-- 426 00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:20,802 We've heard enough about Bliz-Blaz and Him-Ham already. 427 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,179 Get to the bloody point! 428 00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:23,722 (mutters) 429 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:27,184 Do you, Charles Montgomery Burns, 430 00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:30,437 take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? 431 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,522 -I do. -Oops. 432 00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:35,567 The ring, you little imbecile, before I really lose my temper. 433 00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,612 -(growls) -(grunts) 434 00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:40,072 Hmm? Hmm? 435 00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:42,324 I know. I know. 436 00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:47,204 Ow, ow, ow! 437 00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:49,498 Do you, Jacqueline Bouvier, 438 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:53,293 take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? 439 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:54,878 (organ plays "Moonlight Serenade") 440 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,296 Oh, Monty! 441 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:57,714 My favorite song. How did-- 442 00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,175 I specifically requested no romantic music! 443 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,343 Wha-- 444 00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:03,470 Mrs. Bouvier! 445 00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:05,555 Mrs. Bouvier! 446 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:06,598 (screams) 447 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:08,225 (grunts) 448 00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:10,727 Mrs. Bouvier! 449 00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:14,398 Honey, are you sure you wanna be Mrs. Montgomery Burns? 450 00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:18,360 Wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson? 451 00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:20,737 -No. -(gulps) 452 00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:23,448 I don't wanna be either. 453 00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:25,909 Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me! 454 00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:28,245 (chatter) 455 00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:29,162 (organ plays "Wedding March") 456 00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:31,999 (cheering) 457 00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,212 (sighs) 458 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:42,759 (soft rock plays) 459 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,931 Hmm? Turn off that racket! 460 00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:50,267 Yeah, fat chance, pops. 461 00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:54,438 ♪ Hello, Grampa, my old friend ♪ 462 00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:58,150 {\an8}♪ Your busy day is at an end ♪ 463 00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:04,406 {\an8}♪ Your exploits have been sad and boring ♪ 464 00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:09,036 {\an8}♪ They tell a tale that's worth ignoring ♪ 465 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:13,290 {\an8}♪ When you're alone the words of your story ♪ 466 00:22:13,373 --> 00:22:16,585 {\an8}♪ Will echo down the rest home hall ♪ 467 00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:20,380 {\an8}♪ 'Cause no one at all ♪ 468 00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:26,136 {\an8}♪ Can stand the sound of Grampa ♪ 469 00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:28,805 {\an8}GRAMPA: I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier 470 00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:31,641 {\an8}because her raspy voice reminded me of 471 00:22:31,725 --> 00:22:33,894 {\an8}my old Victrola. 472 00:22:33,977 --> 00:22:36,772 {\an8}Oh, it was a fine machine, 473 00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:39,316 {\an8}with a vulcanized rubber listening tube 474 00:22:39,399 --> 00:22:41,985 {\an8}which you crammed in your ear. 475 00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:45,113 {\an8}The tube would go in easier with some sort of lubricant 476 00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:48,450 {\an8}like Linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's-- 477 00:22:48,533 --> 00:22:50,243 {\an8}-Shh! -I'm sorry. 478 00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:54,956 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.