( bell rings )
D-OH!
( screams ) ( tires screech )
( sniffling )
THIS ROMANCE IS SO FULL OF HEARTFELT PASSION.
I CAN REALLY IDENTIFY WITH THIS CORN-FED HEROINE.
HOMER, ARE YOU AWAKE?
THIS IS IMPORTANT.
GIVE ME SOME SIGN YOU'RE AWAKE.
( belches )
WAKE UP!
WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG?
HOUSE RUN AWAY?
DOG'S ON FIRE?
DO YOU THINK THE ROMANCE
HAS GONE OUT OF OUR LIVES?
( belches )
WAKE UP!
MARGE, IT'S 3:00 A.M., AND I WORKED ALL DAY.
IT'S 9:30 P.M., AND YOU SPENT YOUR WHOLE SATURDAY
DRINKING BEER IN MAGGIE'S KIDDIE POOL.
THERE YOU ARE.
THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY, HUH?
HOMER, YOUNG PEOPLE
LEARN ABOUT LOVE FROM ADULTS
AND WE'VE BEEN SETTING A TERRIBLE EXAMPLE
FOR OUR CHILDREN AND THE COMMUNITY IN GENERAL.
I WANT US TO DEAL WITH THE ISSUES.
RAISED BY THIS BOOK.
HMM.
I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT A FIREPLACE IN THE BEDROOM.
HUH?
( screaming )
( all laughing )
HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU LAUGH AT THAT CAT
GETTING HIT BY THE MOON?
IT'S A NEW EPISODE.
NOT EXACTLY. THEY PIECED IT TOGETHER FROM OLD SHOWS
AND IT SEEMS NEW TO THE TRUSTING EYES
OF IMPRESSIONABLE YOUTH.
REALLY?
REN AND STIMPY DO IT ALL THE TIME.
YES, THEY DO.
AND WHEN DID YOU LAST HEAR ANYONE
TALK ABOUT REN AND STIMPY?
CHILDREN, YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE FED AND CLOTHED YOU
BUT WE'VE NEGLECTED SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT.
IT'S TIME TO LEARN ABOUT LOVE.
NO NEED, MOM. WE ALREADY LEARNED IN SCHOOL.
Announcer: This is Fuzzy Bunny.
About a year ago
he noticed his voice was changing.
He had terrible acne
and had fur where there was no fur before.
He also noticed Fluffy Bunny.
BOR-RING.
Fuzzy went to the park
the ice cream social
the boat show
and various other wholesome activities.
And they never ruined their fun
by giving in to their throbbing biological urges.
Then came the big day.
Fluffy and Fuzzy got married.
That night came the honeymoon.
All: EWW!
SHE'S FAKING IT.
I MEAN ROMANCE, NOT LOVE.
MOM, ROMANCE IS DEAD.
IT WAS ACQUIRED
IN A HOSTILE TAKEOVER
BY HALLMARK AND DISNEY
HOMOGENIZED AND SOLD OFF PIECE BY PIECE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
ROMANCE IS ALL AROUND US--
IN OUR NEIGHBORHOODS
EVEN AT OUR JOBS.
( moaning )
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS THINK ABOUT YOUR MOST CHERISHED MEMORIES.
HMM.
Moe's Tavern.
HELLO, IS AL THERE?
Al?
YEAH, AL. LAST NAME COHOLIC.
LET ME CHECK.
PHONE CALL FOR AL.
AL COHOLIC.
A JOCK STRAP?
IS I.P. FREELY HERE?
HEY, IS THERE A BUTTS HERE?
SEYMOUR BUTTS?
AH, HOMER SEXUAL?
MIKE CROTCH?
UH, AMANDA HUGGINKISS?
AH, HUGH JASS?
IVANA TINKLE?
I'M A STUPID MORON WITH AN UGLY FACE
AND A BIG BUTT, AND MY BUTT SMELLS
AND I LIKE TO KISS MY OWN BUTT.
NO! NO! NO!
NO, ASK YOUR HEART WHAT ITS FONDEST DESIRE IS.
HMM.
MMM...
CHOCOLATE.
MMM.
INVISIBLE COLA.
MMM.
FORBIDDEN DOUGHNUT.
MMM.
SACRILICIOUS.
MMM.
SNOUTS.
MMM. FREE GOO.
MMM.
SOMETHING.
NO. THINK ABOUT PEOPLE--
ABOUT MOMENTS IN YOUR LIFE THAT HAVE BEEN VERY ROMANTIC.
OH, OKAY.
( crowd cheering )
THAT'S NOT THE IDEA AT ALL.
HMM.
OKAY. WELL, THIS STORY ISN'T IDEAL.
I'VE NEVER TOLD IT TO YOU BEFORE.
I GOT A VERY THOUGHTLESS BIRTHDAY PRESENT
FROM SOMEONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS.
SO I ACTUALLY WENT TO THE BOWLING ALLEY
TO SPITE HIM-- OR HER.
HMM.
OH.
I'M AWFULLY SORRY.
( French accent ): ENTIRELY MY FAULT.
IT IS NICE TO MEET YOU...
HOMER.
NO, NO.
HOMER IS MY... BALL'S NAME.
I'M MARGE.
( chuckling )
YOUR FINGERS ARE SO SLENDER, SO FEMININE.
THEY'RE FAR TOO TAPERED FOR THE BALL YOU'RE USING.
YOU NEED SOMETHING LIGHTER, MORE DELICATE.
HERE, USE MY BALL.
NO. NO, THANK YOU
MISTER, UM... BRUNSWICK.
CALL ME JACQUES.
JACQUES.
MARGE.
HMM.
MAY I ASK YOU A BOLD QUESTION?
SURE.
YOU'VE NEVER BOWLED BEFORE?
NEVER.
THEN I WILL TEACH YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO TROUBLE YOU.
NOT AT ALL. I AM A PROFESSIONAL.
ROLL THE BALL FOR ME, MARGE.
LET ME SEE YOUR FORM.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT I'M NOT VERY GOOD.
I CAN HIT THAT ONE PIN ALL RIGHT
BUT THE REST OF THEM DON'T EVEN WOBBLE.
I CAN HELP YOU, MARGE.
PICK UP THE BALL.
PICK UP HOMER.
( squeals )
NOW, THROW.
BUT...
THROW, DAMN YOU.
YOU'RE A VERY GOOD TEACHER.
( humming ): HERE WE ARE.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DROP ME OFF.
BUT I WANTED TO.
MARGE, DO YOU KNOW HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU LOOK
IN THE MOONLIGHT?
UM, JACQUES, I'M A MARRIED WOMAN.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
MY MIND SAYS STOP, BUT MY HEART
AND MY HIPS CRY, "PROCEED!"
( groaning )
DARLING, I WANT TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.
MEET ME FOR BRUNCH.
WHAT'S BRUNCH?
YOU'D LOVE IT.
IT'S NOT QUITE BREAKFAST. IT'S NOT QUITE LUNCH.
BUT IT COMES WITH A SLICE OF CANTALOUPE AT THE END.
YOU DON'T GET COMPLETELY
WHAT YOU WOULD AT BREAKFAST
BUT YOU GET A GOOD MEAL.
Marge: YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT BRUNCH.
BUT IT TURNED OUT HE WASN'T INTERESTED IN BRUNCH AT ALL.
( laughing )
YOUR LAUGHTER IS LIKE MUSIC.
BUT IF YOU LAUGH AT WHAT I SAY NEXT, I WILL DIE.
FOR I AM ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING
VERY SERIOUS
PERHAPS SHOCKING.
MARGE, MY DARLING.
I WANT YOU TO MEET WITH ME AGAIN.
THAT DOESN'T SHOCK ME.
AWAY FROM PRYING EYES
AT MY APARTMENT
THE FIESTA TERRACE.
( gasping )
MARGE, SPEAK TO ME.
IS THURSDAY OKAY?
( tires screeching )
( groaning )
THANK GOODNESS I DROVE DOWN THAT IRONIC STREET.
I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION TO STAY WITH MY HOMIE
AND THERE WAS NO HARM DONE.
SO IF YOU KIND OF
MENTALLY SNIP OUT THE PART WHERE I ALREADY HAD A HUSBAND
THAT'S MY IDEA OF ROMANCE.
MARGE, I WANT YOU TO STOP SEEING THIS JACQUES.
LET HIM DOWN GENTLY.
BUT OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF MONTHS
I WANT YOU TO BREAK IT OFF.
UH, OKAY, HOMER.
THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE, KIDS.
OKAY, MARGE
AS LONG AS WE'RE TRAUMATIZING THE KIDS
I HAVE A SCANDALOUS STORY OF MY OWN.
Smithers: GENTLEMEN
MEET YOUR NEW CO-WORKER, MINDY SIMMONS.
I THINK SHE HAS A DEGREE IN ENGINEERING OR SOMETHING.
HI. HOW'S IT GOING?
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
YEAH. DITTO.
HI. HUH?
( gasps )
HOMER, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
AIN'T YOU NEVER SEEN A NAKED CHICK
RIDING A CLAM BEFORE?
GOT TO GO!
( sighs )
I MADE IT THE WHOLE DAY WITHOUT SEEING HER AGAIN.
( screams )
I MEAN, HELLO!
I GUESS WE'LL BE GOING DOWN TOGETHER...
I MEAN, GETTING OFF TOGETH... I MEAN...
THAT'S OKAY.
I'LL JUST PUSH THE BUTTON FOR THE STIMULATOR...
I MEAN ELEVATOR.
THINK UNSEXY THOUGHTS, THINK UNSEXY THOUGHTS...
( humming "I Dream of Jeannie")
Homer: EW!
( belches )
WELL, THIS IS MY FLOOR.
( groaning )
( screaming )
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
I TRIED TO AVOID HER
BUT WE WERE SENT TO A NUCLEAR CONVENTION
IN CAPITAL CITY TOGETHER.
TV'S THERE...
BATHROOM'S THERE...
AND THERE'S YOUR KING-SIZED BED FOR...
( wolf whistle )
( imitating cat )
( panting )
( barking )
( panting )
( howling )
HUBBA, HUBBA.
STOP THAT.
I LOVE MY WIFE AND FAMILY.
ALL I'LL USE THIS BED FOR IS SLEEPING, EATING
AND MAYBE BUILDING A LITTLE FORT.
THAT'S IT.
HOMER.
I GOT A REALLY WICKED IDEA
THAT COULD GET US INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE.
WE HAVE TO FIGHT OUR TEMPTATION.
NO, HOMER.
LET'S DO IT.
LET'S CALL ROOM SERVICE!
OH.
SOMEONE IS CHARGING ROOM SERVICE
TO THE COMPANY, SIR.
WELL, WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT.
FLY, MY PRETTIES.
FLY!
( chittering )
( screaming )
( loud thuds )
OOH.
CONTINUE THE RESEARCH.
THANKS FOR POISONING THE PLANET, BASTARD!
GET BENT.
NO MORE CHERNOBYLS!
GO TO HELL!
I WAS DOING MY BEST TO RESIST HER
BUT AT DINNER, THE FORTUNE COOKIE PREDICTED DOOM.
THIS WAS A REALLY NICE
NIGHT, HOMER.
YEAH, YEAH.
( sobbing )
WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, YEAH.
LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX.
OH.
WELL... WE DON'T HAVE TO.
YES, WE DO.
THE COOKIE TOLD ME SO.
WELL, DESSERTS AREN'T ALWAYS RIGHT.
BUT THEY'RE SO SWEET.
HOMER...
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
SO... IT, IT'S UP TO YOU.
LOOK IN YOUR HEART.
I THINK YOU'LL SEE WHAT YOU WANT.
OH, BABY.
THIS WAS A WONDERFUL IDEA, HOMIE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MINDY?
YES, WHAT DID HAPPEN TO HER?
SHE HIT THE BOTTLE AND LOST HER JOB.
HMM. GOOD.
DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE A LOVE STORY?
YES, I DO. AND JUST LIKE YOUR LOVE STORIES,
IT'S TRAGIC AND FILLED WITH HURT FEELINGS AND SCARS THAT WILL NEVER HEAL.
IT STARTED, APPROPRIATELY ENOUGH
WITH AN INNOCENT BOY BEING EMBARRASSED ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
( sniffling )
POOR RALPH.
HERE YOU GO, RALPH.
( gasping )
YOU CHOO-CHOO-CHOOSE ME?
HAPPY VALENTINE'S.
( sighs )
IT WAS AN UNUSUALLY WARM
FEBRUARY 14, SO THE CHILDREN WALKED HOME
WITHOUT JACKETS.
CAN I WALK YOU HOME... VALENTINE?
SURE, I GUESS.
THAT VALENTINE SURE WAS FUNNY.
GLAD YOU LIKED IT.
IT SAYS, "CHOO-CHOO-CHOOSE ME"
AND THERE'S A PICTURE OF A TRAIN.
YEAH, NICE GAG.
UH... SO...
DO YOU LIKE... STUFF?
THE DOCTOR SAID I WOULDN'T HAVE SO MANY NOSEBLEEDS
IF I KEPT MY FINGER OUT OF THERE.
WELL, HERE'S MY HOUSE.
( knock at door )
OH, NO. IT'S A PACKAGE FROM RALPH.
OH, A MALIBU STACY CONVERTIBLE.
"LOOK IN THE TUNK."
HE MUST MEAN TRUNK.
TICKETS TO THE KRUSTY ANNIVERSARY SHOW!
Announcer: It's the Krusty the Clown 29th Anniversary Show!
HEY!
( applause and cheering )
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
LISA, DO YOU WANT A BITE OF MY ICE CREAM?
NO, THANKS.
SEND IT THIS WAY, BOY.
WHOOPS.
OH... NOTHING GETS CHOCOLATE OUT.
SEE?
NOW FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SHOW.
WHAT'S THAT SAY?
"TALK TO THE AUDIENCE"?
OH, GOD, THIS IS ALWAYS DEATH.
ALL RIGHT.
OH, NO. PLEASE DON'T SHOW ME WITH RALPH.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON?
RALPH.
( whimpers )
AND IS THIS YOUR GIRLFRIEND, RALPH?
YES. I LOVE LISA SIMPSON
AND WHEN I GROW UP, I'M GOING TO MARRY HER.
NO!
YOU LISTEN TO ME!
I DON'T LIKE YOU!
I NEVER LIKED YOU!
THE ONLY REASON I GAVE YOU
THAT STUPID VALENTINE
was 'cause nobody else would!
WATCH THIS, LISE.
YOU CAN ACTUALLY PINPOINT THE SECOND
WHEN HIS HEART RIPS IN HALF.
AND... NOW.
( groans )
LISA, NOT ALL ROMANCES TURN OUT THAT WAY.
BART, DO YOU HAVE A LOVE STORY
THAT DOESN'T END IN HEARTBREAK?
YES, I DO.
THE ONLY GIRL I EVER LOVED
INVITED ME UP TO THE TREE HOUSE.
SHE HAD SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL ME.
I'M SO HAPPY.
I JUST HAD TO TELL SOMEONE.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
YOU WON'T BE NEEDING THIS.
( groaning )
WAIT. THAT DID END IN HEARTBREAK.
THANKS FOR OPENING UP OLD WOUNDS, MOM.
( sighing )
WELL, AS JERRY LEE LEWIS WOULD SAY
"THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF FROWNING GOING ON."
( laughing )
( low growl )
MOM, DOESN'T ANY LOVE STORY HAVE A HAPPY ENDING?
OF COURSE.
REMEMBER WHEN...
YOUR AUNT SELMA GOT MARRIED?
OH, OH, GOOD.
SOON I WILL KILL YOU.
WAIT, WAIT. THAT'S NO GOOD.
I KNOW. YOUR GRANDFATHER.
REMEMBER?
IT ALL STARTED ON AN OUTING FOR DINNER.
SAY, I'VE GOT A NEAT IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU GO IN AND PICK UP MY MOTHER
AND WE'LL ALL GO OUT TO DINNER?
I'LL BE BACK IN A JIFFY.
THAT'S NOT MY MOTHER.
I'LL BE BACK IN A JIFFY.
CAN I COME TOO?
OH.
THEY HIT IT OFF RIGHT AWAY
BUT THERE WERE RIVALS
FOR THE FAIR LADY'S HAND.
Mrs. Bouvier: OH...
MY FAVORITE SONG.
THIS IS SO NICE.
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN I FELT THIS YOUNG.
OH.
I REALLY CAN'T.
Mr. Burns: SAY, SPORT, MIND IF I HAVE THE NEXT DANCE?
( sputtering )
DON'T SNEAK UP ON A... OH, YOU...
NO NEED FOR THE BLOWN GASKET, CHARLIE.
I'LL HAVE HER BACK IN ONE PIECE.
( playing "Sing Sing Sing" )
Marge: BUT, IN THE END, JUST WHEN THINGS LOOKED WORST
TRUE LOVE TRIUMPHED.
DO YOU, JACQUELINE BOUVIER, TAKE THIS MAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND?
( organ playing big band music )
OH, MONTY, MY FAVORITE SONG.
I SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED NO ROMANTIC MUSIC.
MRS. BOUVIER!
( screams )
MRS. BOUVIER!
HONEY, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO BE MRS. MONTGOMERY BURNS?
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER BE MRS. ABRAHAM J. SIMPSON?
NO.
( groans )
I DON'T WANT TO BE EITHER.
HOT DIGGETY DAMN!
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
( organ playing recessional )
( sighs )
Lisa: THAT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A HAPPY ENDING.
THAT SEEMS MORE LIKE A DETACHED TALE OF MODERN ALIENATION.
I GIVE UP.
DID ANYBODY LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT LOVE TONIGHT?
I LEARNED IT SCREWS EVERYBODY UP.
THERE'S THAT SIDE OF IT
BUT THERE'S ALSO...
HELP ME OUT HERE, LISA.
SORRY, MOM.
I'VE DECIDED TO SAVE MY LOVE FOR SOMEONE
WHO'S GUARANTEED NOT TO REJECT ME.
( whispering ): SOON, COREY, SOON.
( deep sigh )
WELL, KIDS, I TRIED.
BUT MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE, MARGE.
LOVE ISN'T HOPELESS.
LOOK, MAYBE I'M NO EXPERT ON THE SUBJECT
BUT THERE WAS ONE TIME I GOT IT RIGHT.
Marge: GEE, ARTIE...
WAIT. I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL EVENING.
LET'S NOT RUIN IT.
ARTIE, PLEASE.
COME ON, KISS ME.
OH, ARTIE...
PLEASE?
I MEAN IT! NOW STOP IT!
I'M SORRY, MARGE.
TAKE ME HOME, ARTIE.
MARGE, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT MY BUSY HANDS.
NOT SO MUCH FOR MYSELF, BUT I AM SO RESPECTED
IT WOULD DAMAGE THE TOWN TO HEAR IT.
GOOD NIGHT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
( honking )
SHUT UP!
( honking )
I'M OVER AS FAR AS I CAN GO.
( honking )
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
I'LL WALK IN THE MUD!
HOMER?
MARGE?
YEAH. YOU WANT A RIDE?
SURE.
WHEN I GOT HOME, I REALIZED WHO
I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE PROM WITH.
WHO?
OH.
HI, PROM DATE.
MARGE
POUR VOUS.
MM...
WHY SO GLUM?
( sighs )
I GOT A PROBLEM.
ONCE YOU STOP THIS CAR
I'M GOING TO HUG YOU AND KISS YOU
AND I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LET YOU GO.
AH, YOUR FIRST KISS.
BUT NOT THE LAST.
MMM...
HOMEY.
MMM... MMM...
SEE, KIDS?
THAT'S WHAT I MEANT BY ROMANCE.
( Lisa and Bart laughing )
( Itchy and Scratchy Theme plays in distance )
Shh!