( bell rings )
D-ohh!
* The Itchy & Scratchy show.
( grunting )
( laughing )
( moaning )
( yells )
( Bart and Lisa laughing )
Thanks, kids.
Now we'd like to speak to you seriously for a moment.
Yup. This week is the grand opening
of Itchy & Scratchy Land--
the violentest place on Earth.
And to celebrate, for this week only
we're cutting ticket prices in half.
Yow!
Kids, you heard the cartoon rat.
If you haven't already run to your parents
begging to go, do it now.
You won't be missing anything funny.
I'll just be sitting here
reading this grown-up's newspaper.
Go now!
Dad!
Remember how you said that
Itchy & Scratchy Land would be too damned expensive?
Oh everything's too damn expensive these days.
Look at this Bible I just got-- 15 bucks.
And talk about a preachy book.
Everybody's a sinner, except for this guy.
But now Itchy & Scratchy Land
is cutting ticket prices in half.
Can we go, Dad? Can we, can we, can we?
Take it, Lise.
Can we?
No, no, no, no, no.
Ask your mother.
Both: Yay!
Mom, guess what?
We're going to Itchy & Scratchy Land.
No.
I've already planned our vacation.
We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary.
I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.
It's shaped like a diner
and it's on this really tall pole.
Mom, Dad, Bart's dead!
( both gasping )
That's right--
dead serious about going to Itchy & Scratchy Land.
( both groaning )
You know, Itchy & Scratchy Land isn't just for kids.
They have a place called Parents' Island.
Hmm? Hmm?
"Yeah, dancing, bowling, fashionable shops
"over 100 bars and saloons
and a world-class chemical dependency center."
TV Town! Comic Land!
Oh, recipe-related bumper cars.
( both gasping )
Yay! Yay!
Wait a minute.
I'm not sure about this.
Every time we've ever gone on vacation
I end up being horribly embarrassed.
We end up in a big fight and we come home more miserable than when we left.
You have to promise me that this isn't gonna happen this time.
Embarrassed? What are you talking about?
Well, there was our trip to the Amish Country.
Oh, yes.
Hey look, Marge, they're still not fighting back.
I can be a jerk
and no one can stop me.
Marge: Even worse was our trip
to Sandy Beach.
( all screaming )
( laughing )
Suckers.
( laughing )
( screaming )
Shark Boy!
This year I want us to do things together as a family
and get a lot of good exercise outdoors
so we'll have a lot of wonderful memories of our vacation.
Don't worry, mom.
We'll make you proud of us.
Lobster hat, fishnet Speedo Speedo Junior
wheelie shoes, invisible dog leash.
Well, I'm packed.
Marge: And remember, every morning, give one bowl of kibble
to Santa's little helper.
Do you want me to write any of this down?
No. I ain't senile, Dad-blasted!
Okay, bye-bye.
Lisa: Bye, Grandpa!
Wait a minute.
What was that last thing you said?
Grandpa's little helper?
What's that?
Which one of you is the mailman?
Okay, let's make a pact.
This is gonna be the best vacation ever
or we'll all agree to disband and join other families.
All: Agreed.
Ah, the interstate.
Fasten your seat belts, kids.
We're on our way
to Itchy & Scratchy Land!
All: D-ohh!
Don't worry.
I've got an ace up my sleeve.
( honking )
Dad, can we stop at Flickey's?
Homer: No.
Oh, my God, what'll I do? what'll I do?!
What's the matter with you, Homer?
We don't have any fruits or vegetables in the car.
The whole trunk's full of them, Marge.
You got any fruits or vegetables?
( panicky scream )
Hey. Mr. Wimbley, it happened again.
Now to absorb some local color
through the magic of A.M. radio.
The book of Revelations
tells us to watch for the seven signs of evil...
....sign of evil number four.
Continuing our "sign of evil" countdown
here's Vanessa Williams.
Aw, haven't we stood in five different states long enough?
No.
We better find a motel and stop for the night.
We don't need to do that, Marge.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired at all.
( tires screeching )
Ooh, glad that wasn't us.
north... south...
Ah, nuts to this.
I'm going to take a shortcut.
Homer, no.
You're going to get lost.
Trust me, Marge.
With today's modern cars, you can't get lost--
what, with all the silicon chips and such.
All right, we're here.
Let us never speak of the shortcut again.
Now remember, we're in the Itchy lot.
Pilot: We're now approaching our final destination.
Itchy & Scratchy Land--
The amusement park of the future where nothing
can possi-blye go wrong.
Possibly go wrong.
Huh. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.
( kids laughing )
One adult and four children.
Would you like to buy some Itchy & Scratchy Money?
What's that?
It's money made just for the park.
It works just like regular money, but it's fun.
Do it, Dad.
Well, okay, if it's fun.
Let's see...
I'll take $1,100 worth.
( groans )
Ha, cool!
Wow!
Neat-o!
Such a violent motif.
Yeah, but it's just pretend violence
which is actually beneficial for children.
Ow!
( soft growl )
( laughs )
There's no need to murmur, Ma'am.
Here at Itchy & Scratchy Land
we're just as concerned about violence as you are.
That's why we're always careful to show the consequences
of deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify.
When do you show the consequences?
On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs
and played them like a bagpipe.
But in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably.
Just like in real life.
Hey, look over there! Yoing!
I'll have a Brain Burger with extra pus, please?
Bart!
Eyeball stew.
Homer, We just got here
and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.
I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom.
They have violent names for everything here.
Oh, I see.
All right.
Mmm...
I'll have the Baby Guts.
Lady, you disgust me.
( disgusted snort )
Mom, that's veal.
Oh.
Marge: You're sure
she'll have fun here?
Oh, of course.
Babies love the ball room.
Marge: "Torture Land"
"Explosion Land"
"Searing Gas Pain Land"
"Unnecessary Surgery Land."
Homer: Oh look! It's the 12:00 robot parade.
Hurry up or we'll have to wait for the 12:05 parade.
( gunfire )
Wow, this is so much like my dreams it's scary.
Aw, look at that cute little baby ax.
It's cute
but I'm sure it's very sharp
- and probably dirty. - ( laughing )
Dirty, maybe.
Dangerous, hardly.
These are the latest state-of-the-art animatronic robots.
They have sensors that ensure they only attack each other--
never the guests.
Marge: See all that stuff in there, Homer?
That's why your robot never worked.
( clicking )
( quiet banjo plays )
This is just what I was hoping for--
spending the day together as a family.
( screaming )
Yay! Yay!
You know, part of spending time
together as a family
is spending time apart as individuals.
Parents' Island?
Yeah-huh. I'm sure we'll appreciate
each other all the more when we meet up at dinner.
Are you kids gonna be all right?
Kids?
( laughing )
Homer: It i the '70s-- right down to the smallest detail.
Hey, the bartender
even looks like John Travolta.
Yeah. Looks like.
Look at all this great stuff, Lise.
Cool-- personalized plates.
"Barclay"
"Barry"
"Bert"
"Bort"?
Aw, come on-- Bort?
Mommy, buy me a license plate!
No. Come along, Bort.
Are you talking to me?
No. My son is also named Bort.
Who are all these characters?
Well, you're probably too young to remember
the short-lived Itchy & Scratchy and Friends Hour.
They had to come up with some friends.
There's Disgruntled Goat
Uncle Ant, Ku Klux Klam.
Oh, yeah.
They weren't very funny.
I don't know.
Disgruntled Goat had his moments.
( muffled humming )
( martial arts yell )
( groaning )
Welcome to T.G.I. McScratchy's
where it's constantly New Year's Eve.
Here we go again!
Three, two, one...
crowd: Happy New Year!
( cheering )
It must be wonderful
to ring in the new year over and over and over.
Please, kill me.
( explosions )
( laughing )
( grunts )
( groaning )
The babies look unhappy.
Add more balls.
Roger Meyers, Sr., the gentle genius
behind Itchy & Scratchy
loved and cared about almost all the peoples of the world
and he, in return, was beloved by the world
except in 1938 when he was criticized
for his controversial cartoon
Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors.
Among his proudest achievements was the full-length musical
Scratchtasia.
( panting )
( yelling )
( evil laughter )
Hey Ma, I'm goin' get me a picture
of this crazy critter.
( nervous laughing )
Uh, no flash photography, please.
Roger Meyer's next full-length feature
was the wildly successful Pinnitchy-o.
Now you be a good, Pinnitchy-o
and don't you lie.
I promise I will never hurt you.
Ouch!
I wonder if this kind of violence
really does desensitize us.
Want to get a sno cone?
Okay.
( both gasp )
So, Mr. Itchy, you think you're
God's gift to women, do ya?
Don't do it, Bart.
Ow!
( groaning )
I just wanted to entertain.
( laughing )
Can you believe
I keep getting away with this?
Uh, officer?
( elevator bell ringing )
Mop-and-bucket man to the exit of The Nauseator.
We have another jumper on the roof of T.G.I. McScratchy's.
We need more "Bort" license plates
in the gift shop.
I repeat, we are sold out of Bort license plates.
Aah!
I really wished they wouldn't scream.
Dad?
I kicked one of those
stupid Itchy characters in the butt.
There's no way to resist it, is there?
I want all five t-shirts to say
"best vacation ever."
Man: Attention, Marge Simpson, your son has been arrested.
( crowd gasps )
I'd be terribly embarrassed
if I were that boy's mother.
( soft growl )
Attention Marge Simpson. We've also arrested
your older, balder, fatter son.
( soft growl )
I'm so embarrassed.
I wish there was a hole
I could just crawl into and die.
Okay, throw her in the hole.
Oh please! It was just a figure of speech.
( exasperated growl )
You've got to listen to me.
Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots
will eventually turn against their masters
and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking
and the biting with the metal teeth
and the hurting and shoving.
How much time do we have, Professor?
Well, according to my calculations
the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours.
( groaning )
Oh, I forgot to carry the one.
I have nothing to say to you.
But Marge, I was a political prisoner.
How were you a political prisoner?
I kicked a giant mouse in the butt!
Do I have to draw you a diagram?
Oh, for gosh sakes, what now?
Hey, look.
This one's coming on to me.
Yoo-hoo!
Mr. Robot.
Lisa: Dad, I think you're
wrong about that robot trying to be your friend.
Lisa, don't...
contradict... your... elders.
Ah!
My hair!
You chopped off my hair.
Oh, God, I'm ugly.
I knew we should have gone to the bird sanctuary.
( chirping and twittering )
( screaming )
I need the biggest seed bell you have.
No, that's too big.
A chopper! We're saved.
Hey, you're the guys who didn't like our capering.
When you get to hell, tell them Itchy sent you.
( grunts )
Oh my. It looks like we're doomed.
Back, you robots!
Nobody ruins my family vacation but me
and maybe the boy.
( grunting )
( screaming )
( all screaming )
Dad! The flash must have scrambled their circuits.
What are you, the narrator?
Ahh! Just keep taking pictures.
( clicking )
I'll get more cameras.
( grunting )
Smashy-smashy.
I don't approve of that.
( screaming )
Hey, mouse...
Say cheese.
With a dry, cool wit like that
I could be an action hero.
( cameras clicking )
( groaning )
Die, bad robots, die!
With a dry, cool wit like that
I could be an action hero. Who would have thought
that our visit to Itchy & Scratchy Land
would be our best vacation ever?
Yeah, best ever.
Are you two bonkers?
We almost got killed.
Not to mention all the embarrassment I suffered.
But Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation.
It brought us together as a family.
We got a lot of good exercise outdoors
and we have so many memories.
You know you're right. This truly was the best vacation ever.
Now let us never speak of it again.
As Roger Meyers, Jr., the owner of the park
I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots,
and to show my appreciation, here are two free passes.
But there are five of us.
( louder ): Here are two free passes.
That's better.
Man, if this is happening here
I'd hate to think what's happening
in Euro Itchy & Scratchy Land.
( French accent ): Hello! Itchy & Scratchy Land open for business.
Who are you to resist it, eh?
Come on.
My last paycheck bounced.
My children need wine.
( yelling in French )
( Lisa and Bart laughing )
I hope you realize now
that violence on TV may be funny
but it's not so funny
when that violence is happening to you.
But it would be funny to someone who was watching us.
( soft growl )
No Mom, he's right.
Observe.
Ow!
( laughs )
( all laughing )
Oh, my.
Lisa, go to your room.
( low growl )
Shh!