* No sports, no rock, no information *
* for mindless chatter, we're your station. *
KBBL Talk Radio.
And now Springfield's favorite conservative
and author of the well-selling book
Only Turkeys Have Left Wings
Ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow.
UGH, THAT BARLOW'S A RIGHT-WING CRACKPOT.
HE SAID TED KENNEDY LACKED INTEGRITY.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
SWITCH THE STATION.
I CONSIDER MYSELF POLITICALLY CORRECT
AND HIS VIEWS MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, GUYS.
I'M NOT VERY POLITICAL.
I USUALLY THINK PEOPLE WHO VOTE
ARE A BIT FRUITY
BUT FOR SOME REASON
THIS BIRCH BARLOW REALLY SPEAKS TO ME.
GOOD MORNING, FELLOW FREEDOM LIKERS.
BIRCH BARLOW, THE FOURTH BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT-- THE 51st STATE.
THERE ARE THREE THINGS
WE'LL NEVER GET RID OF HERE IN SPRINGFIELD.
ONE-- THE BATS IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY.
( screaming )
TWO-- MRS. McFIRLEY'S COMPOST HEAP.
( cackling )
AND THREE-- OUR SIX-TERM MAYOR
the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking
spendocrat Diamond Joe Quimby.
HEY, I AM NO LONGER ILLITERATE.
WHY ARE WE DOOMED TO THIS QUIMBY QUAGMIRE, YOU ASK
OH, REASONABLE LISTENER?
BECAUSE THIS TOWN IS UNDER THE STRANGLEHOLD
OF A FEW TIE-DYED TREE HUGGERS WHO WOULD RATHER
PLAY HACKY SACK THAN LOCK UP THE HOMELESS.
MMM...
THIS SOUNDS AWFULLY CONTROVERSIAL.
LISA, YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE CONTROVERSY IN THIS HOUSE.
I DON'T LIKE HIM EITHER, MOM
BUT I'M DOING A REPORT ON LOCAL POLITICS FOR MY SCHOOL PROJECT.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO BIG
'CAUSE YOUR CLASS ALWAYS GETS TO DO PROJECTS.
WELL, UM, I'M DOING A SCHOOL PROJECT ON... UH...
FIREWORKS.
BART, I WISH YOU WOULDN'T LIE LIKE THAT.
NOW AS A SPECIAL SENDOFF AND A WAY TO SAY
GONG HEI FATT CHOY
TO OUR VISITING CHINESE PRINCIPALS
BART SIMPSON HAS PROMISED US A FIREWORKS DISPLAY.
( approving murmurs )
OH...
WHAT A WEEK.
HE PROMISED A BIG FIREWORK DISPLAY.
BAD STUDENT.
UH-UH... BAD PRINCIPAL.
OH...
So, my friends, let's just junk those dumbocrats
and their bleeding-heart smellfare program.
I LISTENED TO THIS JERK ALL MORNING.
CAN WE LISTEN TO SOMETHING ELSE?
WHEN I'M DRIVING THE CAR
I GET TO CHOOSE THE RADIO STATION.
WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING
WE'LL LISTEN TO YOUR RADIO STATION.
* I can feel St. Elmo's Fire
* burning in me...
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
LET'S SWITCH BACK.
Alright my friends, let's go to the phones.
First up is Bob from South Springfield.
Welcome to you, sir.
Man: Hello, Birch. Long-time listener, first-time caller.
Kudos for bringing the public back to the Republican Party.
It's high time people realized we conservatives
aren't all Johnny Hatemongers and Charlie Bible Thumps
or even, God forbid, George Bushes.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE SIDESHOW BOB!
YES, MA'AM, SIDESHOW BOB
YAKKING IT UP ON THE OLD YAK BOX.
I'LL SPARE YOU THE EMBARRASSMENT
OF ADMITTING YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SIDESHOW BOB IS.
WHEW.
SIDESHOW BOB USED TO BE
KRUSTY THE CLOWN'S SIDEKICK
BUT IN 1990 HE FRAMED KRUSTY FOR ARMED ROBBERY
AND BART GOT HIM PUT IN JAIL.
WHEN HE GOT OUT, HE MARRIED AUNT SELMA
AND TRIED TO MURDER HER.
Homer: OH, SIDESHOW BOB.
BART, YOUR MORTAL ENEMY IS ON THE RADIO!
It's time for more deee-mentia with Dr. Demento.
( screaming )
And now
The Funny Five...
I MEANT YOUR OTHER MORTAL ENEMY
SIDESHOW BOB.
( gasps )
SIDESHOW BOB?
OH... I'M ONLY TEN
AND I ALREADY GOT TWO MORTAL ENEMIES.
AND THIS PROPOSED EXPRESSWAY
WILL BRING INCREASED COMMERCE TO ALL LOCAL MERCHANTS.
( crowd grumbling )
WHAT'S IN IT FOR US?
GIVE US SOMETHING WE LIKE
OR WE'LL RIDE YOU OUT OF TOWN ON A RAIL.
( clears throat ) WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE LIKE?
SLEEP.
SEXY DAMES, AND PLENTY OF THEM.
MA-A-A-A-A-TLOCK!
( all agreeing )
WELL, UH, I SUPPOSE I COULD NAME IT THE, UH...
MATLOCK EXPRESSWAY.
( cheering )
Sideshow Bob: But it would be myopic of me
to blame all my current woes
on one spiky-haired little simpleton.
( gulping )
Barlow: Myopic or, to say the least, intransigent.
You mentioned some woes there.
Sideshow Bob: You see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated...
( prisoners yelling )
CONVICTED OF A CRIME I DIDN'T EVEN COMMIT.
HUH! "ATTEMPTED MURDER."
NOW, HONESTLY, WHAT IS THAT?
DO THEY GIVE A NOBEL PRIZE FOR ATTEMPT CHEMISTRY? DO THEY?
OH, REALLY NOW, THIS IS A PERSONAL CALL!
MY-MY-MY FRIENDS, ISN'T THIS JUST TYPICAL?
ANOTHER INTELLIGENT CONSERVATIVE HERE
RAILROADED BY OUR LIBERAL JUSTICE SYSTEM
JUST LIKE...
COLONEL OLIVER NORTH, OFFICER STACY KOON
AND CARTOON SMOKESPERSON JOE CAMEL.
WELL, I'VE HAD IT.
I am going to make it my mission to see
that our friend Bob is set free.
NO!
DESPITE BART'S OBJECTIONS, THE PEOPLE OF SOUTH AFRICA
CAN NOW VOTE IN FREE DEMOCRATIC ELECTIONS.
My friends, Bob is a political prisoner.
I want every loyal listener to do everything they can
to get him out of jail.
ALL RIGHT, YOU HEARD THE MAN.
ONE GRENADE EACH.
MOE, I THINK HE MEANT
THROUGH NONVIOLENT, GRASSROOTS POLITICAL ACTION.
GEEZ, REALLY? YOU THINK SO?
ALL RIGHT, GIVE THEM BACK.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
HEY. HEY!
WHO PULLED THE PIN ON THIS ONE?
VERY WELL.
IF THAT IS THE WAY THE WINDS ARE BLOWING
LET NO ONE SAY I DON'T ALSO BLOW.
( crowd chanting )
BY SPECIAL ORDER OF THE MAYOR OF SPRINGFIELD
YOU ARE HEREBY GRANTED A FULL AND COMPLETE PARDON.
CONGRATULATIONS, ROBERT UNDERDUNK TERWILLIGER.
( yells )
BOAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE.
YES. THANK YOU.
( howling )
HAIL, BROTHERS.
CORANON SILARIA.
OZOO MAHOKE.
All: MAHOKE. MAHOKE.
GENTLEMEN, THE MAYORAL CAMPAIGN IS UPON US
AND IF WE HOPE TO DEFEAT THIS JOE QUIMBY
WE NEED A CANDIDATE WITH NAME RECOGNITION AND MEDIA SAVVY
A TRUE LEADER WHO WILL DO EXACTLY AS HE'S TOLD.
MONTY, I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
IF YOU'LL JUST OPEN THAT DOOR
YOU'LL SEE THE NEXT MAYOR OF SPRINGFIELD.
MAN: VERY NICE.
( gurgles )
WHAT'D IT SAY?
NO, NO, NO.
BOB. BOB, COME IN.
A FINE MAHOKE TO YOU ALL.
WHY, HE'S EVEN BETTER.
I AGREE.
I LIKE THE HUMAN TOUCH.
Principal Skinner: NOW, STUDENTS
I WANT YOU TO BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR
FOR THIS CAREFULLY CHOREOGRAPHED MEDIA EVENT.
THIS MEANS NO WISING OFF, NO FACE MAKING
AND NO GRASS EATING.
THIS MEANS YOU, RALPH.
YES, SIR.
HELLO, CHILDREN.
HELLO, BART.
EEP.
YOUNG FRIENDS
MY OPPONENT, JOE QUIMBY
IS CONFUSED ABOUT YOUR SCHOOL SYSTEM.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOES? HE FLIP-FLOPS.
HEY, YA, HI, YA, HO, HO.
( kids gasping )
SOMETIMES HE DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER HE'S COMING OR GOING.
( kids cheering )
HE WANTS TO SELL YOUR FUTURE SHORT.
WE CAN'T LET BOB STEAL THE SPOTLIGHT.
WE'LL HAVE TO STOOP
TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR.
I CAN DO THAT.
( yells )
HELP!
I'M BEING ATTACKED BY, UH... THINGS.
( Lisa and Bart laugh )
UNCLE MAYOR WAS JUST SAYING THAT US KIDS
ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT NATURAL RESOURCE WE HAVE.
MORE IMPORTANT THAN COAL?
UH, ER, UH, YES.
( murmuring )
THAT WAS A BIG MISTAKE, BART.
NO CHILDREN
HAVE EVER MEDDLED WITH THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
AND LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT.
UH... STAY OUT OF RIVERDALE.
* WITHOUT A MAYOR QUIMBY, OUR TOWN WOULD REALLY STINK *
* WE WOULDN'T HAVE A TIRE YARD
* OR MID-SIZE ROLLER RINK
* WE WOULDN'T HAVE OUR GALLOWS
* OR A SHINY BIG FOOT TRAP
* IT'S NOT THE MAYOR'S FAULT THAT THE STADIUM COLLAPSED. *
Man: Quimby-- if you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you.
Paid for by Mayor Quimby for Mayor Committee.
HEY, FOUR-EYES, VOTE QUIMBY.
HEY, BEARD-O, VOTE QUIMBY.
THIS TIME HE'S THE LESS OF TWO EVILS.
UH, YEAH. YEAH. I LOVE GRIMBY.
UH, COULD I HAVE SOME MORE BUMPER STICKERS, PLEASE, DUDE?
ALL RIGHT.
THE MUMMY'S READY FOR HIS MYSTICAL JOURNEY.
( screaming )
WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
THAT QUIMBY FELLA PROMISED TO BUILD US
A MATLOCK EXPRESSWAY.
HOW YOU GOING TO TOP THAT, SMART GUY?
HMM. WELL, HOW'S THIS?
I'LL NOT ONLY BUILD THE EXPRESSWAY
I WILL SPEND THE REMAINDER OF THIS AFTERNOON
PATIENTLY LISTENING TO YOUR INTERMINABLE ANECDOTES.
HOT-DIGGITY-DAMN!
ME FIRST!
NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW I OWNED
THE FIRST RADIO IN SPRINGFIELD.
WEREN'T MUCH ON THE AIR THEN
JUST EDISON RECITING THE ALPHABET
OVER AND OVER.
"A," HE'D SAY.
THEN, "B."
"C" WOULD USUALLY FOLLOW...
( groaning )
Man: Mayor Quimby supports
revolving-door prisons.
Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob
a man twice convicted of attempted murder.
Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby?
THE LEAGUE OF UNINFORMED VOTERS PRESENTS
THE SPRINGFIELD MAYORAL DEBATES.
I'M YOUR MODERATOR, LARRY KING.
NOW A WORD TO OUR AUDIENCE.
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE BEING BROADCAST ON FOX
THERE'S NO NEED FOR OBNOXIOUS HOOTING AND HOLLERING.
( hooting and hollering )
( groaning )
( sneezes )
I SHOULDN'T HAVE SHAKEN HANDS WITH THOSE OLD PEOPLE.
I HOPE THAT FLU DOESN'T AFFECT HIS PERFORMANCE.
DON'T WORRY.
HE'S TAKEN A MILLION OF THESE CAPSULES.
( groaning )
UH...
SIDESHOW BOB, COUNCILMAN LES WHINEN
SAYS THAT YOU'RE NOT EXPERIENCED ENOUGH TO BE MAYOR.
SIR, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?
I'D SAY THAT LES WHINEN OUGHT TO DO MORE THINKING
AND LESS WHININ'.
THERE'S NO COUNCILMAN LES WHINEN.
GOOD LINE THOUGH.
MAYOR QUIMBY, YOU ARE WELL-KNOWN, SIR
FOR YOUR LENIENT STANCE ON CRIME
BUT SUPPOSE THAT YOUR HOUSE WAS RANSACKED BY THUGS
YOUR FAMILY TIED UP IN THE BASEMENT
WITH SOCKS IN THEIR MOUTHS.
YOU TRY TO OPEN THE DOOR
BUT THERE'S TOO MUCH BLOOD ON THE KNOB...
WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION?
MY QUESTION'S ABOUT
THE BUDGET, SIR.
( groaning )
HMM...
I DON'T AGREE WITH HIS "BART-KILLING POLICY"
BUT I DO APPROVE OF HIS "SELMA-KILLING POLICY."
WELL, HE FRAMED ME FOR ARMED ROBBERY
BUT, MAN, I'M ACHING FOR THAT UPPER-CLASS TAX CUT.
( clamoring )
SHH, SHH. QUIET DOWN.
And the results are in.
For Sideshow Bob, 100%.
For Joe Quimby, one percent
and we remind you there is a one-percent margin of error.
( groaning )
All right.
Let's go live to Bob headquarters now
for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.
( clearing throat )
( loud laughing )
Brockman: And just look how happy he is.
( machinery rumbling )
( screaming )
IT'S THE RAPTURE! QUICK!
GET BART OUT OF THE HOUSE BEFORE GOD COMES!
SO SORRY, MR. SIMPSON.
YOUR HOUSE IS BLOCKING CONSTRUCTION
OF OUR NEW MATLOCK EXPRESSWAY.
NOW, I AM A FAIR MAN.
YOU WILL HAVE 72 HOURS TO VACATE.
AT THE TIME, WE WILL BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE
AND ANY REMAINING SIMPSONS.
HOMER, WE'VE GOT TO STOP THEM.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO, MAYOR TERWIGIGER
AND NO ONE IN MY FAMILY WILL STAND FOR IT.
( horn honks )
MOVE YOUR GOL'DERN HOUSE, SON!
BART, BY SPECIAL REQUEST
OF THE MAYOR'S OFFICE, YOU ARE BEING LEFT BACK.
OH... YOU MEAN I HAVE TO REPEAT THE FOURTH GRADE?
WELL YES, BUT NOT FOR FOUR OR FIVE YEARS.
YOU'RE GOING TO KINDERGARTEN.
KINDERGARTEN?
HA!
NOW, BOYS AND GIRLS, WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS IS?
TRIANGLE.
VERY GOOD, BART.
YOU HAVE FIRST CHOICE OF TOYS FOR FREE PLAY.
COOL. I CALL THE FLINTSTONE PHONE.
Yabba-dabba do.
I like talking to you.
WE'RE GOING TO LOSE OUR HOUSE AND END UP LIVING UNDER A BRIDGE
LIKE COMMON TROLLS.
I DON'T THINK BOB WON LEGALLY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE A CONVICTED FELON
WOULD GET SO MANY VOTES
AND ANOTHER CONVICTED FELON WOULD GET SO FEW.
HERE YOU GO.
THE RESULTS OF LAST MONTH'S MAYORAL ELECTION.
ALL 48,000 VOTERS AND WHO THEY VOTED FOR.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SECRET BALLOT.
MEH.
( groaning )
OKAY.
AARON A. AARONSON VOTED FOR... BOB.
AARON AL AARONSON VOTED FOR... BOB.
ARTHUR B. ABLABAB VOTED FOR... BOB.
( groaning )
( snoring )
HEY.
( gasps )
Bart: SO WHOEVER WROTE THAT NOTE
WANTS TO MEET US HERE TONIGHT?
THIS IS SO COOL, BART.
WE'RE JUST LIKE WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN.
EXCEPT THEIR DAD WASN'T WAITING IN THE CAR READING ARCHIE COMICS.
STUCK-UP RIVERDALE PUNKS... THINK THEY'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME.
( breathing heavily )
YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK.
FOLLOW THE NAMES.
HOW THE HELL
DO YO KNOW?
I CAN'T TELL YOU WHO I AM, BUT I WORKED ON THE CAMPAIGN.
( tires squealing, horn honking )
HEY, MR. SMITHERS!
WELL, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE ME A RIDE HOME NOW.
I'VE NEVER GONE BEHIND MR. BURNS' BACK BEFORE
BUT SIDESHOW BOB'S ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE VIEWS
CONFLICT WITH MY...
CHOICE OF LIFESTYLE.
( clears throat )
I CAN GIVE YOU ONE NAME-- EDGAR NEUBAUER.
FIND HIM AND YOU'LL FIND YOUR ANSWER.
( moaning )
NO EDGAR NEUBAUER.
( evil chuckling )
( screaming )
THIS IS HOPELESS. THEY'RE GOING TO DEMOLISH
OUR HOUSE FOR SURE.
WE'LL HAVE TO MOVE INTO A MOTEL 6.
BUT DAD CAN'T AFFORD SIX DOLLARS A NIGHT.
HEY... LISE!
LISE, COME HERE.
I FOUND HIM.
I FOUND EDGAR NEUBAUER
OH, MY GOD-- THE DEAD HAVE RISEN
AND THEY'RE VOTING REPUBLICAN.
NO, DON'T YOU SEE?
DEAD PEOPLE CAN'T VOTE.
LOOK...
PRUDENCE GOODWYFE, DIED 1641.
SHE VOTED FOR BOB TOO.
SO DID BUDDY HOLLY, RICHIE VALENS, AND THE BIG BOPPER.
EVEN THE PET CEMETERY VOTED FOR BOB.
LOOK-- MR. AND MRS. BANANAS
HUMPHREY BOA-GART
OH, MY POOR DEAD KITTY.
PLEASE, NOT YOU TOO.
ALL RIGHT, BOB.
NOW IT'S PERSONAL.
HEY. UM... HE DI TRY TO KILL ME.
( citizens gasp )
MR. MAYOR, IS IT TRUE YOU RIGGED THE ELECTION?
NO, I DID NOT.
KIDS, HELP.
OH, I DON'T MIND.
WE WANT THESE CHILDREN TO FEEL JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED.
THAT WAY THEY CAN SLEEP SOUNDLY TONIGHT
ON THEIR HARD, FECULENT, MOTEL PILLOWS.
WELL, BART, LISA, HERE I AM.
I HAVE A PLAN.
I THINK WE CAN TRAP HIM.
SIDESHOW BOB, I BELIEVE YOU
WHEN YOU SAY YOU'RE INNOCENT.
INDEED, I AM.
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW
YOU'RE A NAIVE PAWN-- PUPPET, IF YOU WILL--
OF THE MOST DIABOLICAL POLITICAL GENIUS
SPRINGFIELD HAS EVER KNOWN.
BIRCHIBALD T. BARLOW.
( people gasping )
( stuttering )
YOU DON'T HAVE THE INTELLIGENCE
TO RIG AN ELECTION BY YOURSELF, DO YOU?
YOU WERE JUST BARLOW'S LACKEY.
YOU WERE RONNIE TO HIS NANCY.
SONNY TO HIS CHER.
RINGO TO HIS REST OF THE BEATLES.
ENOUGH!
LIES! LIES! LIES!
I DID IT.
I DID IT ALL!
( people gasping )
THERE.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT
YOU SMARMY LITTLE BASTARDS?
WE WANT THE TRUTH.
YOU WANT THE TRUTH?
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
NO TRUTH-HANDLER, YOU.
BAH! I DERIDE YOUR TRUTH-HANDLING ABILITIES.
WILL YOU GET TO THE POINT?
YES. ONLY I COULD HAVE EXECUTED
SUCH A MASTERPIECE OF ELECTORAL FRAUD
AND I HAVE
THE RECORDS TO PROVE IT.
HERE, JUST LOOK AT THESE.
EACH ONE A WORK OF MACHIAVELLIAN ART.
HMM...
BUT WHY?
BECAUSE YOU NEED ME, SPRINGFIELD.
YOUR GUILTY CONSCIENCE MAY FORCE YOU TO VOTE DEMOCRATIC
BUT INSIDE, YOU SECRETLY LONG FOR A COLD-HEARTED REPUBLICAN
TO LOWER TAXES, BRUTALIZE CRIMINALS
AND RULE YOU LIKE A KING.
THAT'S WHY I DID THIS--
TO PROTECT YOU FROM YOURSELVES.
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, I HAVE A CITY TO RUN.
BAILIFFS, PLACE THE MAYOR UNDER ARREST.
WHAT? OH, YES.
ALL THAT STUFF I DID.
BART, WE DID IT.
NOW WE GET TO KEEP OUR HOUSE
AND YOU GO BACK TO FOURTH GRADE.
OH... TOMORROW WE FIND OUT
WHO THE DISH RAN AWAY WITH.
THE SPOON, BART.
OF COURSE.
( growling )
SOMEDAY, I'LL HAVE MY VENGEANCE.
SOMEDAY, WHEN I FIND MY WAY OUT
OF THIS SAVAGE, ROACH-RIDDEN CESSPOOL...
SAY, TERWILLIGER'S A YALIE.
BOB! COME ALONG!
WE NEED A NINTH TO ROW AGAINST THE PRINCETON ALUMS.
PRINCETON?!
( growling )
STROKE, STROKE...
Shh!