Hello once again.
As usual, I must warn you all that this year's Halloween show
is very, very scary.
Those of you with young children
may want to send them off to bed.
Oh, my. It seems the show is so scary
that congress won't even let us show it.
Instead, they've suggested
the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie
200 Miles to Oregon.
Bart: There's nothing wrong with your television set.
Do not attempt to adjust your picture.
We are controlling the transmission.
Homer: What's that, boy?
We're in control?
Hey, look-- I can see my voice.
( sputtering )
( vocalizing )
blub, blub, blub, blub, blub.
This.. is my voice.. on TV.
Bart: Dad! You're ruining the mood.
Sorry.
For the next half hour
we will control what you see and hear.
You are about to experience the terror and foul horror
of The Simpsons' Halloween Special.
( distant scream )
( evil laughter )
( distant wolf howling )
( moaning )
Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
Homer, did you remember to lock
the front door of the house?
D-ohh!
Well, it's been two long trips
but we're finally almost there again.
When you locked the front door
did you remember to lock the back door?
D-ohh! D-ohh!
Oh, no! We left Grandpa back at the gas station.
What about Grandpa?
Hi. We're here. We made it.
Oh, goody. The sea monkeys I ordered have arrived.
Look at them cavort and caper.
Sir, they're the new winter caretakers for the lodge.
Yes, they work hard and they play hard.
This house has quite a long and colorful history.
It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground
and was the setting of satanic rituals, witch-burnings
and five John Denver Christmas specials.
Oh... John Denver...
Hmm... that's odd.
Usually the blood
gets off at the second floor.
( chain saw buzzing )
Hey, I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
Why, you little...
No, go easy on the wee one.
His father's going to go crazy and chop them all into haggis.
What's haggis?
Boy, you read my thoughts.
You've got the shinning.
You mean "shining."
Shh! You want to get sued?
Now look, boy, if your Dad goes gaga
you just use that shin of yours, to call me
and I'll come a-running.
But don't be reading my mind between 4:00 and 5:00.
That's Willie's time.
Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply
I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those lowlifes.
Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this
that caused the previous caretakers to go insane
and murder their families?
Hmm. Perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered..
I owe you a Coke.
Hmm... cable's out.
Think I'll have a beer.
Hmm... not a drop in the house.
What do you know?
Homer, I'm impressed.
You're taking this quite well.
I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!
Homer!
Sorry, sorry.
Don't worry.
There's plenty I can do to keep myself occupied.
Maybe I'll check out that ax collection.
See you later.
Mom, is Dad going to kill us?
We're just gonna have to wait and see.
So, what will it be, Homer?
Moe! Give me a beer.
No, not unless you kill your family.
Why should I kill my family?
Uh..they'd be much happier as ghosts.
You don't look so happy.
Oh I'm happy! I'm very happy. La-la-la-la-la. See?
Now waste your family. I'll give you a beer.
Homer?
Homey?
Hmm... what he's typed will be a window into his madness.
"Feelin' fine."
Wow, that's a relief.
Oooooh..
Hmm.. this is less encouraging.
Hello!
( screaming )
So, what do you think, Marge?
All I need is a title.
I was thinking along the lines
of "no TV and no beer make Homer something something."
Go crazy?
Don't mind if I do.
( raving )
( Marge screaming )
Stay away from me, Homer.
Give me the bat, Marge.
Give me the bat.
Come on, give me the bat.
Give me the bat-bat-boo!
( babbling )
( laughing )
Scaredy-cat.
( groans )
( screams )
( grunting )
You stay here till you're no longer insane.
Hmm, chili would be good tonight.
( knocking )
Homer, it's Moe.
Look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned
the project isn't moving forward.
Can't murder now-- eating.
Aw for crying out loud, come on.
( Homer yelling )
Here's Johnny!
D-ohh!
David Letterman!
Hi, David. I'm Grandpa.
D-ohh!
I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer
and I'm Ed Bradley.
All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes.
( all screaming )
Hello, police? This is Marge Simpson.
My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over.
Thank God that's over.
I was worried there for a second.
No answer.
Don't worry, Mom.
I can use my... shinning to call Willie.
That was the first time
she'd ever flown a plane.
Uh-oh. The little fat boy and his family are in trouble.
I'm coming to rescue the lot of you.
All right, loony, show me what you got.
Is that the best you can do?
Oh, my, I hope that rug was Scotchgarded.
Must kill family.
( moaning )
( panting )
The troops had been given rifles
but no ammunition.
Dad, look!
Television!
Teacher, mother, secret lover.
Urge to kill fading...
fading...
Rising.
Fading.
Gone.
( all sighing )
Come, family.
Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask
in television's warm, glowing, warming glow.
Live from Broadway
it's the Tony Awards
with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden.
Homer, change channel.
Can't... frozen.
* One...
all: Ah!
* ...chorus line of people...
Urge to kill rising.
You know, Marge, I've had my share of troubles
but sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home
in this beautiful, free country
it just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.
Dad! Your hand is jammed in the toaster!
( all yelling )
( Homer screaming )
Get it off!
Get this off of me!
Ooh!
Whew-hoo!
Dad! It's in there again!
( screaming )
( yelling )
This shouldn't be too hard to fix
with the right tools.
There.
Better than new.
Now to take her for a test toast.
What the..?
( screaming )
Look at that. I'm the first non-Brazilian person
to travel backwards through time.
Correction, Homer. You're the second.
That's right, Mr. Peabody.
Quiet, you.
( gasps )
I've gone back to the time
when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.
( screeching )
Okay, don't panic.
Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.
If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything
because even the tiniest change
can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.
Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still
and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future.
Stupid bug!
You go squish now.
( gasps )
that was just one little
insignificant mosquito.
That can't change the future, right?
Right?
( grunts "I don't know" )
Phew! I'm back.
Aw, my loving family.
Nothing's changed.
Hidely-ho, slaverinos.
All: Okely-dokely.
What the hell is that geek Flanders doing on TV?
( alarm sounding )
I see by the big board we got a negative Nellie in sector two.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask the whole family
to kinda freeze, and prepare for re-neducation.
Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world.
D-ohh!
Okay, everybody, let's see some big smiles.
Just relax and let the hooks do their work.
What the hell are you smiling at?
Oh...
In case all that smiling didn't cheer you up
there's one thing that never fails--
A nice glass of warm milk, a little nap and a total frontal lobotomy.
It's not so bad, Homer.
They go in through your nose
and they let you keep
the piece of brain they cut out.
Look. Whoo, hello. Hello there.
Who's that big man there?
Who's that?
Both: Join us, Father.
It's bliss.
No!
( alarm sounding )
( frantic panting )
( dogs barking )
Oh, no, they're gaining on me.
Wait! I have an idea.
These wieners will give me
the quick energy I need to escape.
I got to go back.
Fix future.
This time I'm not going to touch a thing.
( roaring )
Ah!
Ooh! Ooh! Mustn't crush, mustn't kill.
Made it.
Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.
Hey, where is everybody?
Hey, there's a bug that looks like Dad.
Let's kill it.
Okay.
( screaming )
( panting )
Oh... oh...
( roaring )
Ah-choo!
( sneezes )
( sneezes continue )
This is going to cost me.
Homer: D-ohh!
I mean, hey...
Good morning, Father dear. Hope you're well.
Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
Fabulous house, well-behaved kids
Sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan...
Whoo-hoo! I hit the jackpot!
Marge dear, would you kindly pass me a doughnut?
Doughnut? What's a doughnut?
( screaming )
Hmm, it's raining again.
You're still not in your own world, Homer.
I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as...
Ah!
( deep male voice ): This is indeed a disturbing universe.
Don't touch anything?!
I'll touch whatever I feel like!
( roaring )
Foolish Earthling.
Totally unprepared for the effects
of time travel.
( laughing )
What happened to us, Kodos?
Quiet, you.
Good morning, dear.
What's my name?
What color is the sky?
What of doughnuts? What?!
For the love of God, tell me!
Homer, the sky is blue.
Doughnuts are plentiful.
Friday is T.G.I.F. night on ABC.
What's gotten into you?
Nothing-- Nothing at all.
Let's just eat.
Ah, close enough.
( clamoring )
( whistles )
Hey, everybody. Let's all turn our desks backwards
before Mrs. Krabappel shows up.
Yeah! Great idea. Yeah!
Huh?
All right, backwards boy
back your butt down to detention.
Over here, Simpson.
The detention room is dangerously overcrowded.
So you'll be serving your time in the cafeteria.
Oxygen running out.
Yes, you should have thought of that
before you made that paper airplane.
This overcrowding in detention is becoming critical.
It's a powder keg waiting to go off
in an explosion of unacceptable behavior.
Don't bitch to me, boss man.
Thanks to the latest budget cuts
I'm down to using grade "F" meat.
Wouldn't it be wonderful
if there was a common solution to both our problems?
That would be great.
Hey, Bart, watch this.
Oh, drats!
Oh, no!
My favorite outfit.
Jimbo, this is by far the worst... mmm.
Mmm...
Jimbo, why don't you assist lunch lady Doris in the kitchen?
Bite me, Skinner.
Well, might we...
Jimbo: It's hard for me to clean this giant pot
when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me.
( clank )
Oh great. Now I got to work in the dark.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
This sandwich tastes so young and impudent.
Seymour, what's with the good grub?
Perhaps I ought to let you folks in on a secret.
You remember me telling Jimbo Jones
that I'd make something of him one day?
Are you saying you killed Jimbo, processed his carcass
and served him for lunch?
Ha!
Hmm... I wonder where Jimbo is today.
He should have beaten us up
for our lunch money an hour ago.
Frau lunch lady. Please to have another sloppy Jimbo.
Das ist gut, nein?
That's your third helping, young man.
It's making you fat
and soft... ah...
and tender.
Mmm... you just cut in line, didn't you?
Report to detention, Uter.
For how long?
About seven minutes
a pound should do it.
Okay, I got your German grub right here.
Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared
and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food
called "Uterbraten"?
Oh, relax, kids.
I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere.
( chuckling )
After all, isn't there a little Uter in all of us?
( laughing )
In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter
and he's in our stomachs right now.
( laughing )
Wait. Scratch that one.
Mom! You've got to help.
They're cooking kids in the school cafeteria.
Listen kids. You're eight and ten years old now.
I can't be fighting all your battles for you.
But, Mom...
no "buts."
You march right back to that school
look them in the eye and say, "don't eat me."
Both: Okay.
Since so many students have been put on permanent detention...
( burps )
we've merged everyone into a single class.
I trust there are no objections.
Detention.
Psst! Hey, you guys.
I was just thinking that any of us could be next
So what do you say we make a break for it?
Easy there, young man.
You'll only make yourself tired and stringy.
Now to check on the free-range children.
( all scream )
Hold on, kids!
I'm coming to rescue the lot of you.
I'll.. ow!
Ah... I'm bad at this.
I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson.
Yes, I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested
by eating your shorts.
( all whimpering )
( yells )
( kids moaning )
Don't worry, guys.
Something always comes along to save us.
( screaming )
Nevertheless, I remain confident
that something will come along
and save the two Simpson children.
( both screaming )
Ah!
Relax, honey.
You were just having a crazy nightmare.
You're back with your family
where there's nothing to be afraid of
except that fog that turns people inside out.
Huh?
Uh-oh.
It's seeping in.
Stupid, cheap weather stripping.
( screaming )
( "One" playing )
* One
* Chorus line of people
* dancing till they make us stop *
* Too
* many dancing people
* covered with blood, gore and glop *
* Just one sniff of that fog
* and you're inside out
* It's worse than that flesh-eating virus *
* you've read about
* Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in *
* The family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine *
* Happy Halloween.
( music continuing )
Get off!
( screaming )