( bell ringing )
D-ohh!
( screams )
Announcer: We now return
to the 1971 film
Goodtime Slim, Uncle Doobie and the Great Frisco Freak-out
starring Troy McClure.
Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds
then what happened to the bag with our stash?
There's more than one way to get high, baby.
Whoa!
- Ooh. - Mmm...
Please, Marge.
How often can I see a movie of this caliber
on late-night TV?
Is there something wrong, Homie?
No. It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before
and I've seen you every night for the last 11 ye...
what I meant to say is...
we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise.
Ohh!
Enchiladas!
( groaning )
Mom! Dad!
Both: Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light!
There's a U.F.O. outside my window.
Seriously.
Oh, Bart.
It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.
( yelps )
C-can I sleep in there with you guys tonight?
No.
Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat
- in case the U.F.O. does come? - Yes yes yes.
That's fine. Good good.
Mmm...
I hope you kept the Homey fires burning.
( snoring ) Homer!
Huh?
Homer, wake up. Wake up. What?
We need to talk about the marital difficulties
we've been having lately.
Marge, there's just too much pressure
what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls
political strife at home and abroad.
But I promise you, the second all those things go away
we'll have sex.
I simply can't wait that long.
Maybe we should get some help.
How about a book?
Ooh, okay.
A tasteful book.
Oh, all right.
( thudding )
( yells )
( doorbell rings )
Hey, Marge, this guy looks like Apu.
Shh. I don't want people to see us
looking at these books.
Hi, guys. What you looking at?
Uh... I'm just reading up on artillery.
Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in...
( screams )
This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty.
It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey.
You know that nice midwestern man on the radio
who's like a pleasant version of Grampa?
Ooh. Mr. And Mrs. Erotic American.
Mom, Dad.
Look! This biography of Peter Ueberroth
is only 99 cents.
And I found the new Al Gore book.
Marge: Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow.
Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book
Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future.
I'm getting this book on U.F.O.'s.
Did you know they're real?
But there's a huge government conspiracy
to cover it up.
Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy.
Mr. Vice President
someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir.
Well, this calls for a celebration.
* Celebrate good times, come on... *
I will.
* Let's celebrate...
Hello, Americans. Paul Harvey here.
Did you know every good American is at heart an erotic American?
It's true.
A famous couple--
I don't need to tell you it was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower--
offered this advice:
"Double your pleasure with a bath... together."
Homey, I can't quite...
( grunting )
The faucet's jammed into my back.
I'm stuck.
So am I.
( straining )
Kids? Kids?
A romantic vacation can provide titillation.
Sensual, sanitary seclusion awaits you
at any of America's fine AAA-approved motor lodges.
The Arabian nights room looks nice.
Homer: The Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus.
Sorry there, Fred and Ethel.
You should have made a reservation.
We only got one room left.
The toilet is overflowing in the Caveman Room.
Oh, here we are.
The "utility room."
This isn't very erotic.
I think it's an actual utility room.
No, honey, it's a romantic fantasy.
I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're...
the janitor's wife
who has to live with me in the utility room.
Don't mind me, folks.
Just need to get the ol' wet-dry vac.
By now your new, improved love life
should have you flinging woo like nobody's business.
So, to you, Mr. And Mrs. Erotic American
I bid... good day.
Welcome home, son.
I broke two lamps and lost all your mail.
What's wrong with your wife?
Never mind. You wouldn't understand.
Flu? No.
Protein deficiency? No.
Pneumonoultramicroscopic silicovolcanoconiosis?
No.
Unsatisfying sex life?
Yes, but please, don't you say that word.
What?
Sex!
What's so unappealing
about hearing your elderly father talk about sex?
I had sex.
( groaning )
You're home safe. Done my duty.
See you the next time we need your signature.
Aw, you never want to spend any time with me.
But I can help you with your loving problem.
I got a home remedy
that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers.
( humming )
Legend has it
my great Grampappy stumbled upon this recipe
when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute
for holy water.
Here you g...
Hey!
Here you go, you ingrate.
Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life.
Drink it.
Mmm.
( tires screech )
Kids, here's $50.
Why not go to the movies
then take a cab to your aunt's house.
Stay there. Phone call you later. Now now now.
Whoa! Homey, what's...?
Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards.
What do you think Mom and Dad are doing right now?
I don't know.
( whistling )
( clearing throat )
Here he is.
Rex Harrison and Paul Anka
rolled into one.
Ooh...
That tonic really works.
You and Grampa should bottle it
and go into business together.
You want me to spend more time with Dad?
What about my new year's resolution?
You can make a lot of money.
Yeah! Where are my pants?
You threw them out the window
in a fit of passion.
You said you were never going to need them again.
Oh, hurry, Neddie, they're awful.
You just be ready with that garbage bag.
Ooh, mama!
This is finally really happening.
After years of disappointment
with "get rich quick" schemes
I know I'm going to get rich with this scheme... and quick.
Sir. Uh, hello, sir.
Yes. You look like a man
who needs help
satisfying his wife...
Ow!
Oh!
I guess people have some sort
of moral objection to our sex drug.
Let me sell it, you idiot!
( inhales deeply )
Step right up, folks
and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle
of Simpson and Son's patented Revitalizing Tonic!
Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing
moisturizing, tantalizing
romanticizing, surprising her-prizing, revitalizing tonic.
( wheezes )
( cheering )
( clears throat )
I doubt very highly
that one elixir could boast so many fantastic properties.
( gulping )
What say we am-scray out of here
and have a wild wing-ding at the cyclotron, doctor?
Anything you say, professor.
Whoa!
Ah, tonight we'll push the twin beds together.
And I found something for Milhouse
down at the mall too.
A pup tent.
Oh, boy.
Now I can sleep out in the yard.
Yeah! Every single night.
I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect
people feel is actually a mild form of poisoning--
No doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions
in Grampa Simpson's bathtub.
Nonetheless...
( gulping )
( chuckling )
What's going on?
Where are all the grown-ups?
Who cares?
With no adults around, I run this city.
Uh... carry on.
Listen to this.
"Unexplainable behavior--
"individuals acting in a secretive fashion
"are often involved with U.F.O.'s
"or other paranormal phenomena
E.G. telephone explosions."
Jeez, if it's in a book, it's got to be true.
Scary, no?
And this guy's
head of the Spaceology Department
at the Correspondence College of Tampa!
Will you cook my dinner for me?
My parents aren't around
and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.
Hurry up!
We got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit.
Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid...
Great, I'm going to be stuck in a car all weekend
with that wheezy windbag.
Grampa: ...and that's what's wrong with Bart's generation.
Now, as for your generation...
( Homer sighs )
And for the minimal outlay of one dollar
you can take home a bottle of liquid lothario.
Distilled Don Juan.
Catalytically carbonated Casanova.
Lock old Rover in the shed 'cause man has a new best friend
in Simpson and Son's Revitalizing Tonic.
I'm not convinced!
I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs.
All questions will be answered.
All fears will be allayed
with one incontrovertible demonstration.
May I have a volunteer from the audience?
Yes...
You sir!
Sir, you've never seen me before
is that correct?
That is correct.
How come his face is on the bottle?
Mmm, uh...
Um...
( banjoes play "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" )
( yelling )
You're the worst shill I've seen.
You're a disgrace to the medicine show business.
They didn't start chasing us
until you turned on that getaway music.
( music stops )
( yelling subsides )
Okay, it's now painfully clear.
The adults are definitely paving the way
for an invasion by the saucer people.
You fool! Can't you see
it's a massive government conspiracy?
Or have they gotten to you too?
( yells )
( grunting )
Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions?
Haven't you ever heard of "Ockham's razor"?
"the simplest explanation is probably the correct one."
So what's the simplest explanation?
I don't know.
Maybe they're all reverse vampires
and they have to get home before dark.
( all screaming )
Reverse vampires!
( chattering )
I'm dead.
Hey, wait a minute.
That's Amos Pierson's moose farm.
Make a right here.
Ew...
Why are we stopping at this dump?
That's the house you grew up in, son.
Wow!
Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted.
Grampa: Yeah, we lived here
till the bank foreclosed in '63.
Farm went bust after the cows
started giving sour milk.
Something must have spooked them good.
Nyah, stupid cows!
Na-na-na-na-na.
( raspberries )
Boo! Boo!
( cows mooing )
Oh, memories.
If this old place could talk, it'd say...
( screaming )
( laughing )
Ow!
There she is
the old Radiation King.
You'd park yourself right there
and watch for hours on end.
If I, uh, may Helen, I'd like to respond to that question
with yet another flip remark.
( reporters chuckling )
Wow.
Look at me, er, Mom.
I am, er, President Kennedy.
Oh, Abe. Maybe our Homer
could grow up to be President someday.
You President?
This is the greatest country in the world.
We've got a whole system set up to keep people like you
from ever becoming President.
Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!
Dad...
How come you never
gave me any encouragement?
Maybe I could have been something more than I am.
Like a travel agent to a great scientist
or the inventor
of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.
Who are you to complain?
You lock me up in a home
and give me the same damn
shower safety seat every Christmas.
Your whole life you never said
one nice thing to me.
That's 'cause you're a screw-up.
You're the screw-up!
Why, you little...
( gasping )
All right...
All right. That's it.
We're going home.
I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.
If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago
you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy.
You were an accident!
( car screeching )
Get out.
I'm sorry I said that.
Out.
I'm going to get out of the car
and I hope you'll find it in your heart
not to drive awa--
Well, I'll be all right
as long as I can remember my Army training.
Dang!
( coyote howls )
( doorbell rings )
I'm sorry.
Hi.
Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa
for the rest of your life?
Of course not, Marge.
Just for the rest of his life.
He said I was an accident.
He didn't want to have me.
You didn't want to have Bart.
I know, but you're never supposed
to tell the child.
You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning.
But when I do it, it's cute.
So finally we're all in agreement
about what's going on with the adults.
Milhouse.
( clearing throat )
Okay. Here's what we've got.
The Rand Corporation in conjunction with
the saucer people...
Thank you.
Under the supervision
of the reverse vampires
( sighing )
are forcing our parents to go to bed early
in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!
We're through the looking glass here, people.
Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky
nutty, chewy, chocolatey-- put it away, boy-- situation
and your daddy has realized something very important.
A father should always make his kids feel wanted.
Starting right now, I promise
to spend a lot more time with you
and give you the attention you deserve.
Just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial
from my own flesh and blood--
the son who puts the fun in Simpson and Son
my son, Barney!
I used to be a fat, disgusting slob.
( belching )
That medicine seems to be giving your son
a lot of gas.
I assure you his belching is the result
of an unrelated alcohol problem.
( groaning )
( crowd mumbling )
Oh...
It just ain't the same without Homer.
He knew how to drive a car.
Son, my dear son.
From now on, I'm going to be a good and attentive father.
And for starters,
your old man is going
to teach you how to ride
your very first bike.
( grunting )
Dad, number one
I know how to ride a bike.
Number two, I already own a bike
and number three, that is a girl's bike.
You're no girl.
You're a boy.
A good boy.
You can be President.
Scratch that.
You wi be President!
Lisa: Dad!
I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing.
No, Dad, I want to get down.
This tire is filthy
and the steel belts are poking me.
No! Whee!
No offense, Homer
but your half-assed underparenting
was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.
But I'm using my whole ass.
Dad, it's just that too much of your love
can really be...
scary.
( groaning )
Someday you'll thank me for all this scary love.
Now I've got to go somewhere
and do some serious thinking.
I'm sure he meant to say serious drinking.
That's what I assumed.
Here's where it all started to go wrong.
How am I supposed to be a good Dad
when I never had one myself?
Oh, Dad wasn't even around on Christmas morning
when I actually got to meet Santa Claus.
Some father.
Wait a minute.
Dad?
Oh... this photo is a blessing.
It eases my pain.
( screaming )
This tonic's caused me nothing but trouble.
You've done all the damage you're going to do.
Oh, nuts!
( yelling )
( both yelling )
Dad!
Son!
I'm a screw-up.
I burned down our house.
No, I'm a screw-up.
I burned down our house.
You know what? What?
We're both screw-ups.
It doesn't matter.
What matters is you were right
when you told me
I never said anything nice about you.
Oh... are you going to say something nice now?
Well, I hadn't thought that far ahead.
Oh, okay, here it goes.
I'm not sorry I had you, son
and I was always proud...
that you weren't a short man.
Aw, Dad!
What do you say we roll on the grass, son?
I'm with you, Dad.
( grunting and yelling )
( laughing )
Shh!