1 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,279 ( bell ringing ) 2 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:15,716 D-ohh! 3 00:00:15,749 --> 00:00:17,017 ( screams ) 4 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:34,102 Announcer: We now return 5 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,503 to the 1971 film 6 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,905 Goodtime Slim, Uncle Doobie and the Great Frisco Freak-out 7 00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,973 starring Troy McClure. 8 00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:46,880 Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds 9 00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:48,916 then what happened to the bag with our stash? 10 00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:51,685 There's more than one way to get high, baby. 11 00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,654 Whoa! 12 00:00:57,591 --> 00:01:00,594 - Ooh. - Mmm... 13 00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:02,196 Please, Marge. 14 00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:03,464 How often can I see a movie of this caliber 15 00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:04,565 on late-night TV? 16 00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,066 Is there something wrong, Homie? 17 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,636 No. It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before 18 00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:11,572 and I've seen you every night for the last 11 ye... 19 00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,274 what I meant to say is... 20 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:16,277 we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise. 21 00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,916 Ohh! 22 00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,785 Enchiladas! 23 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:26,587 ( groaning ) 24 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,128 Mom! Dad! 25 00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:35,896 Both: Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! 26 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,065 There's a U.F.O. outside my window. 27 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,133 Seriously. 28 00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:40,234 Oh, Bart. 29 00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:43,070 It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree. 30 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,172 ( yelps ) 31 00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:47,275 C-can I sleep in there with you guys tonight? 32 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:48,309 No. 33 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,443 Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat 34 00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:51,445 - in case the U.F.O. does come? - Yes yes yes. 35 00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:52,480 That's fine. Good good. 36 00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:55,249 Mmm... 37 00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:58,319 I hope you kept the Homey fires burning. 38 00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:01,189 ( snoring ) Homer! 39 00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:02,122 Huh? 40 00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:03,424 Homer, wake up. Wake up. What? 41 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:06,527 We need to talk about the marital difficulties 42 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,262 we've been having lately. 43 00:02:08,296 --> 00:02:10,764 Marge, there's just too much pressure 44 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,933 what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls 45 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,702 political strife at home and abroad. 46 00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:18,639 But I promise you, the second all those things go away 47 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,374 we'll have sex. 48 00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:22,142 I simply can't wait that long. 49 00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:24,278 Maybe we should get some help. 50 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:25,346 How about a book? 51 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,714 Ooh, okay. 52 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:27,948 A tasteful book. 53 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,318 Oh, all right. 54 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,119 ( thudding ) 55 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,120 ( thudding ) 56 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,054 ( yells ) 57 00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:36,257 ( doorbell rings ) 58 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,800 Hey, Marge, this guy looks like Apu. 59 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,736 Shh. I don't want people to see us 60 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,204 looking at these books. 61 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:52,740 Hi, guys. What you looking at? 62 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:55,142 Uh... I'm just reading up on artillery. 63 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,878 Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in... 64 00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:58,946 ( screams ) 65 00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:02,716 This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty. 66 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,652 It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey. 67 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,920 You know that nice midwestern man on the radio 68 00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,389 who's like a pleasant version of Grampa? 69 00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,524 Ooh. Mr. And Mrs. Erotic American. 70 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,427 Mom, Dad. 71 00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:15,396 Look! This biography of Peter Ueberroth 72 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:16,730 is only 99 cents. 73 00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:18,198 And I found the new Al Gore book. 74 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:20,768 Marge: Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow. 75 00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:23,170 Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book 76 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,506 Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future. 77 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,375 I'm getting this book on U.F.O.'s. 78 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,176 Did you know they're real? 79 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,245 But there's a huge government conspiracy 80 00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:32,246 to cover it up. 81 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,548 Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy. 82 00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:55,869 Mr. Vice President 83 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,905 someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir. 84 00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:00,040 Well, this calls for a celebration. 85 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:05,313 * Celebrate good times, come on... * 86 00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,213 I will. 87 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,716 * Let's celebrate... 88 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:11,319 Hello, Americans. Paul Harvey here. 89 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:15,723 Did you know every good American is at heart an erotic American? 90 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,090 It's true. 91 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,459 A famous couple-- 92 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:23,230 I don't need to tell you it was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower-- 93 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,798 offered this advice: 94 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:28,436 "Double your pleasure with a bath... together." 95 00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:32,139 Homey, I can't quite... 96 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,141 ( grunting ) 97 00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:37,678 The faucet's jammed into my back. 98 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,447 I'm stuck. 99 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,948 So am I. 100 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,350 ( straining ) 101 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,856 Kids? Kids? 102 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,658 Kids? Kids? 103 00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:54,662 A romantic vacation can provide titillation. 104 00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:57,331 Sensual, sanitary seclusion awaits you 105 00:04:57,365 --> 00:05:01,502 at any of America's fine AAA-approved motor lodges. 106 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,175 The Arabian nights room looks nice. 107 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:11,278 Homer: The Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus. 108 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,680 Sorry there, Fred and Ethel. 109 00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:14,715 You should have made a reservation. 110 00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:17,317 We only got one room left. 111 00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:20,320 The toilet is overflowing in the Caveman Room. 112 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,193 Oh, here we are. 113 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,696 The "utility room." 114 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,800 This isn't very erotic. 115 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,368 I think it's an actual utility room. 116 00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:38,038 No, honey, it's a romantic fantasy. 117 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:40,841 I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're... 118 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,209 the janitor's wife 119 00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:45,913 who has to live with me in the utility room. 120 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,351 Don't mind me, folks. 121 00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:54,388 Just need to get the ol' wet-dry vac. 122 00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,993 By now your new, improved love life 123 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:03,363 should have you flinging woo like nobody's business. 124 00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:05,666 So, to you, Mr. And Mrs. Erotic American 125 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:08,235 I bid... good day. 126 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,511 Welcome home, son. 127 00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:18,779 I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. 128 00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,347 What's wrong with your wife? 129 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,249 Never mind. You wouldn't understand. 130 00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:23,417 Flu? No. 131 00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:25,285 Protein deficiency? No. 132 00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:28,188 Pneumonoultramicroscopic silicovolcanoconiosis? 133 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:29,022 No. 134 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:30,958 Unsatisfying sex life? 135 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:34,394 Yes, but please, don't you say that word. 136 00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:35,395 What? 137 00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:37,431 Sex! 138 00:06:37,465 --> 00:06:39,199 What's so unappealing 139 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:42,035 about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? 140 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,472 I had sex. 141 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,639 ( groaning ) 142 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,378 You're home safe. Done my duty. 143 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,080 See you the next time we need your signature. 144 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,783 Aw, you never want to spend any time with me. 145 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:58,486 But I can help you with your loving problem. 146 00:06:58,519 --> 00:06:59,953 I got a home remedy 147 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,790 that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers. 148 00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:07,327 ( humming ) 149 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:08,462 Legend has it 150 00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:11,398 my great Grampappy stumbled upon this recipe 151 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,067 when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute 152 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,536 for holy water. 153 00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:20,774 Here you g... 154 00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:22,543 Hey! 155 00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,579 Here you go, you ingrate. 156 00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:30,584 Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life. 157 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:31,785 Drink it. 158 00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:37,090 Mmm. 159 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,159 ( tires screech ) 160 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,096 Kids, here's $50. 161 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,197 Why not go to the movies 162 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,332 then take a cab to your aunt's house. 163 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:48,602 Stay there. Phone call you later. Now now now. 164 00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:49,703 Whoa! Homey, what's...? 165 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:52,139 Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards. 166 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:04,017 What do you think Mom and Dad are doing right now? 167 00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:06,053 I don't know. 168 00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,559 ( whistling ) 169 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,728 ( clearing throat ) 170 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,130 Here he is. 171 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,632 Rex Harrison and Paul Anka 172 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:19,733 rolled into one. 173 00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,835 Ooh... 174 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,403 That tonic really works. 175 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:25,405 You and Grampa should bottle it 176 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:26,874 and go into business together. 177 00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,242 You want me to spend more time with Dad? 178 00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:31,344 What about my new year's resolution? 179 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,313 You can make a lot of money. 180 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,182 Yeah! Where are my pants? 181 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,584 You threw them out the window 182 00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:37,818 in a fit of passion. 183 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,587 You said you were never going to need them again. 184 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,989 Oh, hurry, Neddie, they're awful. 185 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,692 You just be ready with that garbage bag. 186 00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:48,996 Ooh, mama! 187 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,864 This is finally really happening. 188 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,499 After years of disappointment 189 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,367 with "get rich quick" schemes 190 00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:57,871 I know I'm going to get rich with this scheme... and quick. 191 00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,611 Sir. Uh, hello, sir. 192 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,245 Yes. You look like a man 193 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:06,246 who needs help 194 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,681 satisfying his wife... 195 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:08,548 Ow! 196 00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:09,416 Oh! 197 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,450 I guess people have some sort 198 00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,620 of moral objection to our sex drug. 199 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,121 Let me sell it, you idiot! 200 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:15,756 ( inhales deeply ) 201 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:17,457 Step right up, folks 202 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:20,360 and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle 203 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:24,064 of Simpson and Son's patented Revitalizing Tonic! 204 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:27,367 Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing 205 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,769 moisturizing, tantalizing 206 00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:33,741 romanticizing, surprising her-prizing, revitalizing tonic. 207 00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,442 ( wheezes ) 208 00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:36,777 ( cheering ) 209 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,312 ( clears throat ) 210 00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:40,614 I doubt very highly 211 00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:44,251 that one elixir could boast so many fantastic properties. 212 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,653 ( gulping ) 213 00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,721 What say we am-scray out of here 214 00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:51,591 and have a wild wing-ding at the cyclotron, doctor? 215 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,627 Anything you say, professor. 216 00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:54,762 Whoa! 217 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:59,667 Ah, tonight we'll push the twin beds together. 218 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,635 And I found something for Milhouse 219 00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:03,103 down at the mall too. 220 00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:03,971 A pup tent. 221 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:04,805 Oh, boy. 222 00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,774 Now I can sleep out in the yard. 223 00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,642 Yeah! Every single night. 224 00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,647 I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect 225 00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:16,516 people feel is actually a mild form of poisoning-- 226 00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:19,419 No doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions 227 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,088 in Grampa Simpson's bathtub. 228 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,155 Nonetheless... 229 00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:23,691 ( gulping ) 230 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,628 ( chuckling ) 231 00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:32,532 What's going on? 232 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,267 Where are all the grown-ups? 233 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,635 Who cares? 234 00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:38,371 With no adults around, I run this city. 235 00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:42,710 Uh... carry on. 236 00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:44,778 Listen to this. 237 00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,513 "Unexplainable behavior-- 238 00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:49,382 "individuals acting in a secretive fashion 239 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,518 "are often involved with U.F.O.'s 240 00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:53,721 "or other paranormal phenomena 241 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,622 E.G. telephone explosions." 242 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:59,292 Jeez, if it's in a book, it's got to be true. 243 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,293 Scary, no? 244 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,294 And this guy's 245 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,797 head of the Spaceology Department 246 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:06,399 at the Correspondence College of Tampa! 247 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,201 Will you cook my dinner for me? 248 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,703 My parents aren't around 249 00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:12,439 and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove. 250 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,008 Hurry up! 251 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,911 We got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit. 252 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:21,715 Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid... 253 00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:24,684 Great, I'm going to be stuck in a car all weekend 254 00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,486 with that wheezy windbag. 255 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,656 Grampa: ...and that's what's wrong with Bart's generation. 256 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,524 Now, as for your generation... 257 00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:32,592 ( Homer sighs ) 258 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:34,928 And for the minimal outlay of one dollar 259 00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:38,165 you can take home a bottle of liquid lothario. 260 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,599 Distilled Don Juan. 261 00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,769 Catalytically carbonated Casanova. 262 00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:46,173 Lock old Rover in the shed 'cause man has a new best friend 263 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,909 in Simpson and Son's Revitalizing Tonic. 264 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,077 I'm not convinced! 265 00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:52,512 I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs. 266 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,614 All questions will be answered. 267 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,216 All fears will be allayed 268 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,786 with one incontrovertible demonstration. 269 00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:01,688 May I have a volunteer from the audience? 270 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:02,622 Yes... 271 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:03,791 You sir! 272 00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,793 Sir, you've never seen me before 273 00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:06,794 is that correct? 274 00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:07,727 That is correct. 275 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:10,063 How come his face is on the bottle? 276 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:13,433 Mmm, uh... 277 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,268 Um... 278 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:18,906 ( banjoes play "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" ) 279 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,407 ( yelling ) 280 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,442 You're the worst shill I've seen. 281 00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,711 You're a disgrace to the medicine show business. 282 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,914 They didn't start chasing us 283 00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,481 until you turned on that getaway music. 284 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:29,783 ( music stops ) 285 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,819 ( yelling subsides ) 286 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:47,334 Okay, it's now painfully clear. 287 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:50,237 The adults are definitely paving the way 288 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,940 for an invasion by the saucer people. 289 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,074 You fool! Can't you see 290 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,409 it's a massive government conspiracy? 291 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,578 Or have they gotten to you too? 292 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,080 ( yells ) 293 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,448 ( grunting ) 294 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,350 Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it! 295 00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:06,786 Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? 296 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,255 Haven't you ever heard of "Ockham's razor"? 297 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:11,658 "the simplest explanation is probably the correct one." 298 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,426 So what's the simplest explanation? 299 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:14,361 I don't know. 300 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:16,363 Maybe they're all reverse vampires 301 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,498 and they have to get home before dark. 302 00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,300 ( all screaming ) 303 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,768 Reverse vampires! 304 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,270 ( chattering ) 305 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,638 I'm dead. 306 00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:26,874 Hey, wait a minute. 307 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:29,342 That's Amos Pierson's moose farm. 308 00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:30,911 Make a right here. 309 00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:36,216 Ew... 310 00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:38,485 Why are we stopping at this dump? 311 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:41,889 That's the house you grew up in, son. 312 00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:43,823 Wow! 313 00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:46,994 Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted. 314 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,695 Grampa: Yeah, we lived here 315 00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,864 till the bank foreclosed in '63. 316 00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:53,466 Farm went bust after the cows 317 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,668 started giving sour milk. 318 00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,805 Something must have spooked them good. 319 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,408 Nyah, stupid cows! 320 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,176 Na-na-na-na-na. 321 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,744 ( raspberries ) 322 00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:05,745 Boo! Boo! 323 00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:06,914 ( cows mooing ) 324 00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:12,719 Oh, memories. 325 00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:17,090 If this old place could talk, it'd say... 326 00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,927 ( screaming ) 327 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,029 ( laughing ) 328 00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,298 Ow! 329 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:28,902 There she is 330 00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,703 the old Radiation King. 331 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,772 You'd park yourself right there 332 00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:35,875 and watch for hours on end. 333 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,915 If I, uh, may Helen, I'd like to respond to that question 334 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,716 with yet another flip remark. 335 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,285 ( reporters chuckling ) 336 00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:47,287 Wow. 337 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,258 Look at me, er, Mom. 338 00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,927 I am, er, President Kennedy. 339 00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,428 Oh, Abe. Maybe our Homer 340 00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:57,897 could grow up to be President someday. 341 00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,033 You President? 342 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,469 This is the greatest country in the world. 343 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:05,472 We've got a whole system set up to keep people like you 344 00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:06,974 from ever becoming President. 345 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,142 Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! 346 00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:12,980 Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! 347 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:13,913 Dad... 348 00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:14,948 How come you never 349 00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:16,616 gave me any encouragement? 350 00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:19,252 Maybe I could have been something more than I am. 351 00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:22,055 Like a travel agent to a great scientist 352 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,123 or the inventor 353 00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:25,592 of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. 354 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:26,994 Who are you to complain? 355 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:28,428 You lock me up in a home 356 00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:29,929 and give me the same damn 357 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,931 shower safety seat every Christmas. 358 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,135 Your whole life you never said 359 00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,469 one nice thing to me. 360 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:38,405 That's 'cause you're a screw-up. 361 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,973 You're the screw-up! 362 00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:41,508 Why, you little... 363 00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:42,642 ( gasping ) 364 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:44,111 All right... 365 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,412 All right. That's it. 366 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:46,446 We're going home. 367 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,348 I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic. 368 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:50,850 If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago 369 00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:54,087 you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. 370 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:54,988 You were an accident! 371 00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:57,857 ( car screeching ) 372 00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:58,958 Get out. 373 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,128 I'm sorry I said that. 374 00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,329 Out. 375 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,364 I'm going to get out of the car 376 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:06,866 and I hope you'll find it in your heart 377 00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:08,401 not to drive awa-- 378 00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,039 Well, I'll be all right 379 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:16,043 as long as I can remember my Army training. 380 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,146 Dang! 381 00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:21,014 ( coyote howls ) 382 00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,819 ( doorbell rings ) 383 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:29,089 I'm sorry. 384 00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:36,529 Hi. 385 00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,565 Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa 386 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,033 for the rest of your life? 387 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:40,867 Of course not, Marge. 388 00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,569 Just for the rest of his life. 389 00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,003 He said I was an accident. 390 00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:45,238 He didn't want to have me. 391 00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:46,839 You didn't want to have Bart. 392 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:48,175 I know, but you're never supposed 393 00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:49,476 to tell the child. 394 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,511 You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning. 395 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,380 But when I do it, it's cute. 396 00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:55,382 So finally we're all in agreement 397 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,884 about what's going on with the adults. 398 00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,052 Milhouse. 399 00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:00,053 ( clearing throat ) 400 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:01,821 Okay. Here's what we've got. 401 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:05,024 The Rand Corporation in conjunction with 402 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,159 the saucer people... 403 00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:07,060 Thank you. 404 00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:08,828 Under the supervision 405 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,530 of the reverse vampires 406 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,065 ( sighing ) 407 00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:14,734 are forcing our parents to go to bed early 408 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:18,004 in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! 409 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,608 We're through the looking glass here, people. 410 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:25,778 Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky 411 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:29,849 nutty, chewy, chocolatey-- put it away, boy-- situation 412 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:33,553 and your daddy has realized something very important. 413 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:37,056 A father should always make his kids feel wanted. 414 00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:38,558 Starting right now, I promise 415 00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,360 to spend a lot more time with you 416 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,729 and give you the attention you deserve. 417 00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:49,902 Just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial 418 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,938 from my own flesh and blood-- 419 00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:55,542 the son who puts the fun in Simpson and Son 420 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,244 my son, Barney! 421 00:17:57,277 --> 00:18:00,380 I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. 422 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,714 ( belching ) 423 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,983 That medicine seems to be giving your son 424 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,051 a lot of gas. 425 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,954 I assure you his belching is the result 426 00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:10,323 of an unrelated alcohol problem. 427 00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:11,624 ( groaning ) 428 00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:14,561 ( crowd mumbling ) 429 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:15,795 Oh... 430 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:18,898 It just ain't the same without Homer. 431 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,468 He knew how to drive a car. 432 00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:27,073 Son, my dear son. 433 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:30,277 From now on, I'm going to be a good and attentive father. 434 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,110 And for starters, 435 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:32,745 your old man is going 436 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,914 to teach you how to ride 437 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,716 your very first bike. 438 00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:41,188 ( grunting ) 439 00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:45,192 Dad, number one 440 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,593 I know how to ride a bike. 441 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,628 Number two, I already own a bike 442 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:51,198 and number three, that is a girl's bike. 443 00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,432 You're no girl. 444 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:53,666 You're a boy. 445 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,034 A good boy. 446 00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,269 You can be President. 447 00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,504 Scratch that. 448 00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:59,105 You wi be President! 449 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,707 Lisa: Dad! 450 00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:03,142 I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing. 451 00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:06,346 No, Dad, I want to get down. 452 00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:07,647 This tire is filthy 453 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,116 and the steel belts are poking me. 454 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:13,186 No! Whee! 455 00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,187 No offense, Homer 456 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,955 but your half-assed underparenting 457 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:18,825 was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting. 458 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,860 But I'm using my whole ass. 459 00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,330 Dad, it's just that too much of your love 460 00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:24,464 can really be... 461 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,399 scary. 462 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:28,000 ( groaning ) 463 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:31,538 Someday you'll thank me for all this scary love. 464 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,506 Now I've got to go somewhere 465 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,742 and do some serious thinking. 466 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,747 I'm sure he meant to say serious drinking. 467 00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,282 That's what I assumed. 468 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,221 Here's where it all started to go wrong. 469 00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:50,923 How am I supposed to be a good Dad 470 00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,125 when I never had one myself? 471 00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:57,096 Oh, Dad wasn't even around on Christmas morning 472 00:19:57,129 --> 00:19:59,432 when I actually got to meet Santa Claus. 473 00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:01,268 Some father. 474 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,570 Wait a minute. 475 00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:06,172 Dad? 476 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:09,609 Oh... this photo is a blessing. 477 00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,578 It eases my pain. 478 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:12,879 ( screaming ) 479 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:23,356 This tonic's caused me nothing but trouble. 480 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:26,326 You've done all the damage you're going to do. 481 00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,296 Oh, nuts! 482 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,331 ( yelling ) 483 00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:36,235 ( both yelling ) 484 00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,103 Dad! 485 00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,271 Son! 486 00:20:38,305 --> 00:20:39,572 I'm a screw-up. 487 00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:41,774 I burned down our house. 488 00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:43,242 No, I'm a screw-up. 489 00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:45,478 I burned down our house. 490 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:47,714 You know what? What? 491 00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,382 We're both screw-ups. 492 00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:51,050 It doesn't matter. 493 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,420 What matters is you were right 494 00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:54,987 when you told me 495 00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:58,224 I never said anything nice about you. 496 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,728 Oh... are you going to say something nice now? 497 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,596 Well, I hadn't thought that far ahead. 498 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,634 Oh, okay, here it goes. 499 00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:11,471 I'm not sorry I had you, son 500 00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:14,407 and I was always proud... 501 00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:18,177 that you weren't a short man. 502 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:19,846 Aw, Dad! 503 00:21:24,183 --> 00:21:27,820 What do you say we roll on the grass, son? 504 00:21:27,854 --> 00:21:29,356 I'm with you, Dad. 505 00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:33,793 ( grunting and yelling ) 506 00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:35,462 ( laughing ) 507 00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:28,715 Shh!