( bell ringing )
D-OHH!
( screams )
LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A LEAK.
COULD YOU START FIXING IT PRETTY SOON?
THE BASEMENT IS GETTING AWFULLY FLOODED
AND I THINK THE CAT'S DOWN THERE.
( gurgling meow )
YEAH, I PROBABLY WON'T BE ABLE
TO GET THE PARTS I NEED FOR TWO... THREE WEEKS.
THAT'S IF I ORDER THEM TODAY, WHICH I WON'T.
OH, DEAR.
( beeping )
EMERGENCY CALL. GOTTA GO.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO UNTIL YOU GET BACK?
PUT A PAN DOWN THERE.
OH, IT DIDN'T WORK.
( honking )
LOUSY TRAFFIC JAMS.
THE TRAFFIC REPORT WILL GET ME OUT OF THIS ONE.
This is Arnie Pie.
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A LITTLE ACCIDENT THAT'S BACKING TRAFFIC UP
AS FAR AS THIS REPORTER CAN SEE.
HI, DAD.
HEY, HOW COME YOU GUYS GOT SUCH GREAT PARKING PLACES?
IT'S A SECRET.
SHH! SHUT UP.
OW!
ALL RIGHT, ECONO-SAVE, YOU JUST MADE THE LIST.
HEY, WILL YOU GUYS HELP ME FIX MY...
HEY, HOW COME YOU GUYS GOT BETTER CHAIRS THAN ME?
IT'S A SECRET.
SHH! SHUT UP.
HEY, YOU GUYS WANT TO GO BOWLING TONIGHT?
NAH, WE'RE BUSY.
YEAH, WE GOT THINGS TO DO.
LIKE WHAT?
IT'S A SECRET.
SHUT UP.
SO ANYWAY, LENNY AND KARL ARE NEVER AROUND ON WEDNESDAYS
AND THEY DON'T TELL ME WHERE THEY GO.
IT'S LIKE A CONSPIRACY.
A CONSPIRACY, EH? YOU THINK THEY MIGHT BE INVOLVED
IN THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION IN SOME WAY?
I DO... NOW.
ANYWAY, I'M GOING TO FOLLOW THEM TONIGHT AND SEE WHERE THEY GO.
HOMER, DON'T START STALKING PEOPLE AGAIN.
IT'S SO ILLEGAL.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE STALKING
CHARLES KURALT BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT HE DUG UP YOUR GARDEN?
WELL, SOMETHING DID.
I DON'T WANT YOU STALKING ANYONE TONIGHT.
OH, OKAY, HAVE IT YOUR OWN WAY, MARGE.
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
I'M GOING OUTSIDE...
TO...
STALK...
LENNY AND KARL...
D-OHH!
( chuckles )
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FOLLOW THE YELLOW DRIP ROAD.
THERE'S OUR SECRET MEETING PLACE.
YES, LET'S GO INSIDE. SOUNDS GOOD.
WHOOP.
( giggling )
I CAN SEE EVERYTHING.
AND THEY'RE NONE THE WISER.
( cracking )
( screaming )
AN INTRUDER.
HE WILL PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE.
YES, THE ULTIMATE PRICE.
GET OUT OF HERE.
I SAW WEIRD STUFF IN THAT PLACE LAST NIGHT.
WEIRD, STRANGE, SICK, TWISTED, EERIE, GODLESS, EVIL STUFF
AND I WANT IN.
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, HOMER.
AND YOU CAN'T JOIN THE STONECUTTERS
BECAUSE IT'S TOO EXCLUSIVE.
WELL, IT WAS A REAL NICE SECRET ORGANIZATION WE HAD ONCE.
STONECUTTERS, EH? HOW DO I JOIN?
THERE ARE ONLY TWO WAYS TO GAIN MEMBERSHIP.
BE THE SON OF A STONECUTTER...
NEXT.
OR SAVE THE LIFE OF A STONECUTTER.
HEY!
I SAVED YOUR LIFE.
THAT EGG SANDWICH COULD HAVE KILLED YOU BY CHOLESTEROL.
FORGET IT, HOMER.
WHILE IT HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED THAT EGGS CONTAIN CHOLESTEROL
IT HAS NOT YET BEEN PROVEN CONCLUSIVELY THAT THEY ACTUALLY RAISE THE LEVEL
OF SERUM CHOLESTEROL IN THE HUMAN BLOODSTREAM.
SO ONE OF THOSE EGG COUNCIL CREEPS
GOT TO YOU TOO, HUH?
YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, HOMER.
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
YOU'D BETTER RUN, EGG.
WHY DON'T PEOPLE LIKE ME, MARGE?
EVERYONE LIKES YOU. YOU'RE A WONDERFUL PERSON.
WHY DON'T THOSE STUPID IDIOTS
LET ME IN THEIR CRAPPY CLUB FOR JERKS?
I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL, HOMER.
IT IS.
IT'S BEEN HAPPENING TO ME ALL MY LIFE.
HEY, BILLY, HEY, JOEY
COME ON IN. THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM.
SORRY. NOT YOU, HOMER.
WHY NOT?
BUT YOU LET IN HOMER GLUMPLET.
IT SAYS "NO HOMERS."
WE'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE.
( groans )
I FELT SO LEFT OUT.
KIDS CAN BE SO CRUEL.
WE CAN?
THANKS, MOM.
Lisa: OW, CUT IT OUT, BART!
( Bart laughing )
I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO GET IN TO THE STONECUTTERS.
WHAT DO THEY DO THERE, DAD?
I'M A MEMBER.
WHAT DO THEY DO? WHAT DON'T THEY DO?
OH, THEY DO SO MANY THINGS, THEY NEVER STOP.
OH, THE THINGS THEY DO THERE-- MY STARS.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO THERE, DO YOU?
NOT AS SUCH, NO.
I'M A STONECUTTER.
DAD, REMEMBER THOSE SELF-HYPNOSIS CLASSES
WE TOOK TO HELP US IGNORE GRANDPA?
DO I EVER. IT'S FIVE YEARS LATER,
AND I STILL THINK I'M A CHICKEN. I'M A CHICKEN, MARGE.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
MAYBE WE SHOULD BE LISTENING TO HIM, NOW.
I'M A MEMBER.
HUH?
WHAT?
HUH?
YOU'RE A MEMBER
OF THE STONECUTTERS, GRAMPA?
SURE, LET'S SEE.
I'M AN ELK, A MASON, A COMMUNIST.
I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE GAY AND LESBIAN ALLIANCE
FOR SOME REASON.
HERE IT IS-- THE STONECUTTERS.
THIS IS IT. MY TICKET IN.
THEY HAVE TO LET ME JOIN IF I'M THE SON OF A MEMBER.
I'LL TAKE THIS COMMUNIST ONE TOO.
COMING THROUGH. CAN'T THROW ME OUT.
MY FATHER'S A MEMBER.
I'M IN. I'M IN.
OKAY, OKAY. HOMER, YOU'RE IN.
JUST DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME.
AH, THANKS, LENNY.
WHEN AM I GOING TO BE INITIATED?
AS SOON AS NUMBER ONE GETS HERE.
NUMBER ONE?
WHAT KIND OF STUPID WIENER NAME IS THAT?
HELLO. MY NAME IS NUMBER ONE.
( laughs )
AND SO FORTH.
WE CALL EACH OTHER BY NUMBER, NOT BY NAME.
CARL IS NUMBER 14. I'M NUMBER 12.
BURNSIE IS NUMBER 29.
YOU OUTRANK MR. BURNS HERE?
SURE, WATCH.
HEY, 29, GET OVER HERE.
( honking )
THANK YOU, SIR. MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?
PATIENCE, MONTY.
CLIMB THE LADDER.
IS HE THE LEADER?
OF THIS CHAPTER.
THERE ARE CHAPTERS ALL OVER THE WORLD.
AND IT HAS BEEN FORETOLD
THAT SOMEDAY A CHOSEN ONE WILL...
OKAY, OKAY. I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR LIFE STORY.
( crowd giggling )
LET THE INITIATION BEGIN.
ALL STONECUTTERS MUST TAKE THE LEAP OF FAITH.
IF YOU SURVIVE THIS FIVE-STORY PLUNGE
YOUR CHARACTER WILL BE PROVEN.
( whimpering )
HAPPY LANDINGS.
( stonecutters laughing )
( floorboards cracking )
( yelling )
( thud )
( cracking and yelling )
Homer: I THINK I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN.
MY BLINDFOLD CAME OFF.
THIS RITUAL IS CALLED "CROSSING THE DESERT."
OW! OOH! OW! OOH! OW!
AND THIS WE CALL "THE UNBLINKING EYE."
OW! OOH! OW! OOH! OW!
HEY, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT THE "CROSSING THE DESERT"
IS A LOT LIKE "THE UNBLINKING EYE"?
IT'S EXACTLY LIKE "THE WRECK OF THE HESPERUS."
AND NOW THE FINAL ORDEAL.
"THE PADDLING OF THE SWOLLEN ASS WITH PADDLES."
OH! OW! OW! OW! OH! OW!
AND BY THE SACRED PARCHMENT I SWEAR
THAT IF I REVEAL THE SECRETS OF THE STONECUTTERS
MAY MY STOMACH BECOME BLOATED
AND MY HEAD BE PLUCKED OF ALL BUT THREE HAIRS.
I THINK HE SHOULD HAVE TO TAKE A DIFFERENT OATH.
EVERYONE TAKES THE SAME OATH.
WELCOME TO THE CLUB, NUMBER 908.
YOU HAVE JOINED THE SACRED ORDER OF THE STONECUTTERS
WHO SINCE ANCIENT TIMES HAVE SPLIT THE ROCKS OF IGNORANCE
THAT OBSCURE THE LIGHT OF KNOWLEDGE AND TRUTH.
NOW LET'S ALL GET DRUNK AND PLAY PING-PONG.
( cheering )
'CAUSE HE'S ALREADY KIND OF HEAVY, YOU KNOW...
WELL, TO BE HONEST
I NEVER GOT AROUND TO ORDERING THAT PART FOR YOU.
SO IT'S STILL GOING TO BE A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
OH, REALLY?
YES.
REALLY?
YES. YES!
BUT WHAT IF I WERE TO SHAKE YOUR HAND
IN THIS WISE?
WAH-WAH-WEH!
( both trilling tongues )
WHOA. I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE A MEMBER.
( meows )
( sputtering )
( chuckling )
SO LONG, SUCKERS.
SAME OLD SPACE, HUH, DAD?
YEP, BUT THEY GAVE ME THESE ROLLER BLADES
SO I CAN GLIDE TO THE FRONT DOOR.
OOP.
WHOA.
WHOA!
( chuckling ): SWEET.
JEALOUS?
NO. WE'VE GOT THE SAME CHAIR.
YOU'RE JEALOUS.
YOUR MEMBERSHIP PACK.
WHAT'S THIS?
PUT THAT STICKER ON YOUR CAR SO YOU WON'T GET ANY TICKETS.
THIS OTHER ONE KEEPS PARAMEDICS FROM STEALING YOUR WALLET
WHILE WORKING ON YOU.
OH, AND DON'T BOTHER CALLING 911 ANYMORE.
HERE'S THE REAL NUMBER.
OOH.
I STILL DON'T BELIEVE
ALL THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE STONECUTTERS.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU TRUST YOUR STUPID SCHOOL BOOKS.
HERE'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
AT THE SIGNING OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
AND A NATION IS BORN.
NOW LET US PARTY
LIKE 'TWAS 1799!
( cheering )
( chanting ): QUAFF! QUAFF! QUAFF! QUAFF!
QUAFF! QUAFF! QUAFF!
PLEASE, SIR
YOU'RE DESTROYING MY ESTABLISHMENT.
WE JUST CREATED
THE GREATEST DEMOCRACY ON EARTH
YOU LOW-LIFE COMMONER!
OW!
YOU WANT TO SEE HOW DAVY CROCKETT
REALLY DIED AT THE ALAMO?
YOU MUST BE 18.
HOMER, A MAN WHO CALLED HIMSELF
YOU-KNOW-WHO
JUST INVITED YOU TO A SECRET WINK-WINK
AT THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT.
YOU CERTAINLY ARE POPULAR NOW THAT YOU'RE A STONECUTTER.
OH, YEAH.
"BEER BUSTS, BEER BLASTS, KEGGERS, STEIN HOISTS
A.A. MEETINGS, BEER NIGHT."
IT'S WONDERFUL, MARGE.
I'VE NEVER FELT SO ACCEPTED IN ALL MY LIFE.
THESE PEOPLE LOOK DEEP WITHIN MY SOUL
AND ASSIGN ME A NUMBER
BASED ON THE ORDER IN WHICH I JOINED.
* WHO CONTROLS THE BRITISH CROWN? *
* WHO KEEPS THE METRIC SYSTEM DOWN? *
* WE DO
* WHO LEAVES ATLANTIS OFF THE MAPS? *
* WHO KEEPS THE MARTIANS UNDER WRAPS? *
* WE DO
* WHO HOLDS BACK THE ELECTRIC CAR? *
* WHO MAKES STEVE GUTTENBERG
* A STAR?
* WE DO
* WHO ROBS GAME FISH OF THEIR SIGHT? *
* WHO RIGS EVERY OSCAR NIGHT?
* WE DO
* WE DO!
THANK YOU.
TONIGHT WE ARE HERE TO COMMEMORATE
OUR GLORIOUS SOCIETY'S 1,500th ANNIVERSARY.
AND IN HONOR OF THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION
WE'RE HAVING RIBS.
( cheering )
UH-OH. I NEED A BIB.
IF I SLOP ANY ON MY SHIRT
I COULD LOSE THE RESPECT OF MY BELOVED BRETHREN.
SO LET US REJOICE AND ENJOY OUR MEAL
IN THE SHADOW OF THE HALLOWED SACRED PARCHMENT.
( men gasping )
HOMER.
HUH? OH. YEAH.
THANKS, LENNY.
( murmuring )
THIS IS JUST APPALLING AND OUTRAGEOUS.
WHAT? DID I MISS SOMETHING?
( murmuring )
Lenny: HOMER, NO. THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS,
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
YOU REALLY ARE STUPID.
( clamoring )
AND THE OFFICIAL STONECUTTER UNDERWEAR TOO.
AW...
( ghostly moaning )
PLEASE DON'T KICK ME OUT.
THIS SOCIETY'S EVERYTHING TO ME.
PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE.
I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON!
Man: THAT'S IT!
( clamoring )
HOW CAN WE PUNISH HIM FURTHER? GET HIM OUT.
OH. SORRY.
HOMER SIMPSON, FOR YOUR CONTINUING
AND BAFFLING DESECRATION OF OUR BELOVED SACRED PARCHMENT
YOU ARE HEREBY BANISHED
FROM THE STONECUTTERS FOREVER.
AND AS A FINAL HUMILIATION, YOU MUST WALK HOME NAKED
DRAGGING BEHIND YOU THE STONE OF SHAME.
( gasping )
( all gasping )
THE MARK!
OH, THAT.
IT'S JUST A BIRTHMARK.
I'LL THANK YOU NOT TO STARE.
HE'S THE CHOSEN ONE.
YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE
WHOM THE SACRED PARCHMENT PROPHESIED
WOULD LEAD US TO GLORY!
NOW, TO THE TOP
OF MOUNT SPRINGFIELD FOR THE CORONATION!
REMOVE THE STONE OF SHAME.
WOO-HOO!
ATTACH THE STONE
OF TRIUMPH!
( moans )
( men cheering )
( Homer grunting )
( Homer giggling )
WOW.
MENTAL NOTE: DON'T OVERDO THIS.
( giggling )
( humming )
PEEKABOO!
I ALWAYS WONDERED IF THERE WAS A GOD
AND NOW I KNOW.
THERE IS, AND IT'S ME.
YOU'RE NOT A GOD, HOMER.
REMEMBER, DAD, ALL GLORY IS FLEETING.
SO.
BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH.
NO.
DAD, I KNOW
YOU THINK YOU'RE HAPPY NOW,
BUT IT'S NOT GONNA LAST FOREVER.
EVERYTHING LASTS FOREVER.
DON'T YOU SEE.
GETTING WHAT YOU WANT ALL THE TIME
WILL ULTIMATELY LEAVE YOU UNFULFILLED AND JOYLESS.
REMOVE THE GIRL.
DAD, YOU'RE NOT WITH YOUR STONECUTTERS NOW.
THERE ARE NO LACKEYS AROUND TO CARRY OUT YOUR...
All: ANOTHER STRIKE FOR THE CHOSEN ONE!
WHOO-HOO!
THAT'S JUST AN EXCELLENT BREAK.
MOST ASSUREDLY. ABSOLUTELY.
WHOO-HOO!
UH...
I'M OUT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, HOMER.
YOU HAVE THE ROYAL, UM... SAMPLER.
OH, I WIN AGAIN, DON'T I?
WHOO-HOO.
( all talking )
YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU GUYS ARE LETTI ME WIN.
NO, NO. NO. NO, NO.
FROM NOW ON, I WANT YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME.
I MEAN, I'M NOT PERFECT, RIGHT?
UH... YA... NA...
UM... WELL... YA.. NE... NA... UM...
YA... UM... NA... MM...
RUN.
All: AAH!
THE GRAND EXULTED LEADER REQUESTS
A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME.
CLASS DISMISSED.
Children: YAY!
( groans )
LISA, YOU WERE RIGHT.
MY HAPPINESS IS FADING.
YOU'RE EXPERIENCING SPIRITUAL EMPTINESS
BECAUSE YOUR POWER HAS ISOLATED YOU
FROM OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "ISOLATED"?
( voice echoing )
WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD REACH OUT TO THE COMMUNITY
AND HELP OTHER PEOPLE.
HMM, I COULD HELP OTHERS.
I'LL GET A BUNCH OF MONKEYS, DRESS THEM UP
AND MAKE THEM REENACT THE CIVIL WAR.
DAD, THAT DOESN'T HELP PEOPLE.
COULDN'T HURT
UNLESS THE MONKEYS START HURTING PEOPLE
WHICH THEY ALMOST CERTAINLY WOULD.
( cheering and hooting )
( pounding gavel )
BROTHERS! BROTHERS!
( cheering )
BROTHERS, I'VE LEARNED A WONDERFUL LESSON.
HELPING OTHERS MAKES OUR OWN LIVES BETTER
AND MAKES US BETTER PEOPLE
SO INSTEAD OF JUST SHOOTING POOL AND DRINKING BEER
LET US STONECUTTERS USE WHAT WE HAVE
TO HELP THE LESS FORTUNATE.
( cricket chirping )
HE'S GONE MAD WITH POWER
LIKE THAT ALBERT SCHWEITZER GUY.
WHEE!
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
SOMEBODY GET THE JAWS OF LIFE!
( groaning )
HIGHER!
I'LL GIVE YOU HIGHER, MY FILTHY LITTLE URCHIN.
( groans )
OHH!
AH!
YOU'VE WON THIS ROUND, BUT...
OHH!
( all grumbling )
OH, THANK YOU, MR. SIMPSON.
IT LOOKS SO MUCH BETTER.
A BEAUTIFUL SKY BLUE.
YOU WERE RIGHT, LISA.
I'VE NEVER FELT SO SPIRITUALLY FULFILLED
AND WITH MY BROTHERS THE STONECUTTERS BEHIND ME
THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A BETTER WORLD FOR ALL OF US.
WE GOT TO KILL HIM!
TAKE IT EASY, MOE.
LET'S HEAR FROM THE STONECUTTER WORLD COUNCIL
BEFORE WE ACT TOO RASHLY.
KILL HIM!
KILL THE FOOL!
AFRAID I HAVE TO DISAGREE
WITH ORVILLE, JACK, AND MISTER.
CAN'T WE JUST DO SOMETHING TO HIS VOICE BOX?
WE MIGHT AS WELL FACE THE TRUTH.
AS LONG AS WE'RE STONECUTTERS, HE WILL CONTROL OUR LIVES.
MAYBE, BUT MAYBE WE DON'T WANT TO BE STONECUTTERS NO MORE.
Barney: HEY, THIS IS AS GOOD AS ANYPLACE.
( all clamoring )
SILENCE!
I NOW CALL TO ORDER THE FIRST MEETING
OF THE ANCIENT MYSTIC SOCIETY OF...
NO HOMERS.
( cheering )
( tapping )
HEY, FELLAS
CAN I JOIN?
SORRY. NO HOMERS.
( dopey laughter )
AW!
LOYAL STONECUTTERS
LET US BEGIN OUR REENACTMENT OF THE BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG!
( monkeys chattering )
HOMER, YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP HANGING OUT
WITH THESE COLOBUS MONKEYS.
SOMEBODY'S GOING TO GET PARASITES.
OH, MARGE, KIDS, I MISS MY CLUB.
OH, HOMEY.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE A MEMBER OF A VERY EXCLUSIVE CLUB.
THE BLACK PANTHERS?
NO.
THE FAMILY SIMPSON
WHICH HAS JUST FIVE MEMBERS
AND ONLY TWO OF THOSE MEMBERS
HAVE SPECIAL RINGS.
YEAH! YEAH!
( whistles sounding )
I MEANT OUR WEDDING RINGS!
YOU KNOW, MARGE, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THE SIMPSON FAMILY IS THE BEST POSSIBLE CLUB
I COULD BELONG TO.
OW!
OW! AH! ACK! AH!
THIS CLUB BETTER BE WORTH IT!
OW! EE! AH!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S LISA'S TURN.
* WHO CONTROLS THE BRITISH CROWN? *
* WHO KEEPS THE METRIC SYSTEM DOWN? *
* WE DO, WE DO
* WHO LEAVES ATLANTIS OFF THE MAPS? *
* WHO KEEPS THE MARTIANS UNDER WRAPS? *
* WE DO, WE DO
* WHO HOLDS BACK THE ELECTRIC CAR? *
* WHO MAKES STEVE GUTTENBERG
* A STAR?
* WE DO, WE DO
* WHO ROBS GAME FISH OF THEIR SIGHT? *
* WHO RIGS EVERY OSCAR NIGHT?
* WE DO
* WE DO!
SHH! Lenny: SHUT UP!