( bell ringing )
D-OHH!
( screams )
AND NOW, TO TOP OFF
OUR MOST PROPANE EXPLOSION-FREE SCIENCE WEEK EVER
OUR GRAND FINALE, THE LAUNCHING OF A WEATHER BALLOON.
( cheering )
GO, WEATHER BALLOON!
HURRAH FOR SCIENCE! WHOO!
HURRAH FOR SCIENCE? WHOO?
WELL, I CAN'T SAY I APPROVE OF THE WHOO
BUT THE HURRAH WAS QUITE HEARTENING.
RELEASE THE BALLOON.
Bart: ALL RIGHT! WHOO!
( kids laughing )
NO!!
( grunting )
I DON'T THINK I REALLY CAPTURED THE EYES.
BART, IF YOU HAVE A FAILING
IT'S THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS DEMANDING PERFECTION.
IF YOU HAVE A FAILING.
WHOEVER BRINGS DOWN THAT BALLOON DOESN'T HAVE
TO LEARN FRACTIONS!
( cheering )
( kids grunting )
CAREFUL, CHILDREN.
THAT'S MY CAR.
DESTROY THAT BALLOON.
AYE.
TANGO 14, WE'RE BEING FIRED AT.
I'M GETTING AN EXACT I.D.
ON THE BOGEY NOW.
IRAQIS AGAIN.
LAUNCHING SIDEWINDER MISSILE.
MISSED HIM.
LAUNCHING SECOND SIDEWINDER MISSILE.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU CUT MONEY OUT OF THE MILITARY
AND PUT IT INTO HEALTH CARE!
IT'S A GOOD PROGRAM!
JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE. THAT'S ALL I ASK!
( both yelling )
( grunting )
IT WON'T COME DOWN FOR MONTHS.
CURSE THE MAN WHO INVENTED HELIUM.
CURSE PIERRE-JULES-CESAR JANSSEN.
NOW TO FIND OUT WHO DID THIS.
BART, EMPTY YOUR POCKETS.
EMPTY MY POCKETS, YOU SAY?
WELL, CERTAINLY, BUT I FAIL
TO SEE HOW...
BLUEPRINTS OF THE DUMMY,
NOTARIZED PHOTOS OF YOU MAKING THE DUMMY,
AND AN ALTERNATE WORDING FOR THE BANNER-- BUTTZILLA.
RACE YOU TO UTAH, MILHOUSE.
OKAY.
( grunting )
I'M GOING TO PUNISH YOU FOR THIS, BART
AND IT WON'T JUST BE A SIMPLE CANING THIS TIME.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE IMPEDED SCIENCE
YOU MUST NOW AID SCIENCE.
YES. STARTING TOMORROW, YOU WILL ASSIST ME
WITH MY AMATEUR ASTRONOMY, TAKING DOWN COORDINATES
CARRYING EQUIPMENT, AND SO FORTH.
4:30 IN THE MORNING.
THERE'S A 4:30 IN THE MORNING NOW?
Man on radio: Top of the hour, time for the morning news.
But of course, there is no news yet.
Everyone's still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds.
Good night, everybody.
( groaning )
MOM, WILL YOU MAKE ME BREAKFAST?
THERE'S A STUFFED PEPPER IN THE TRASH FROM LAST NIGHT.
JUST RINSE IT GOOD.
Kid: Come home, Lassie!
Here, boy!
Come on, girl!
Attaboy!
IT'S STILL DARK.
BETTER USE THE GENERATOR.
( grunting )
AH, THERE'S NOTHING MORE EXCITING THAN SCIENCE.
YOU GET ALL THE FUN OF SITTING STILL,
BEING QUIET, WRITING DOWN NUMBERS,
PAYING ATTENTION.
SCIENCE HAS IT ALL.
IS THAT THE TELESCOPE WE'RE GONNA BE LOOKING THROUGH?
YES, BUT YOU WON'T BE LOOKING THROUGH IT.
I FORBID IT.
BUT YOU DON'T NEED A TELESCOPE TO ENJOY ASTRONOMY, BART.
THERE ARE ALL THE CONSTELLATIONS YOU'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT.
THERE'S ORION, THE SWAN, THE CHARIOT RACE.
WHY DON'T THEY LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THEIR NAMES?
WELL, YOU DO HAVE TO USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
LOOK, THERE'S THE THREE WISE MEN.
WHO NAMES THESE THINGS, ANYWAY?
WHOEVER DISCOVERS THEM.
I'VE BEEN HOPING I COULD FIND SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE NAMED AFTER ME.
AND YOU'VE NEVER FOUND ANYTHING?
ONCE, BUT BY THE TIME I GOT TO A PHONE
MY DISCOVERY HAD ALREADY BEEN REPORTED
BY PRINCIPAL KAHOUTEK.
I GOT BACK AT HIM THOUGH.
HIM AND THAT LITTLE BOY OF HIS.
ANYWAY, THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS KEEP
A CELLULAR PHONE NEXT TO ME.
NOW, THIS MORNING, WE'RE GONNA BE MAPPING
A SMALL SQUARE OF SKY THAT'S THOUGHT TO BE EMPTY.
IT'S MY HOPE THAT IT'S NOT.
SO, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EXACTLY?
JUST WRITE DOWN MY FINDINGS AS I GIVE THEM TO YOU.
SIX HOURS, 19 MINUTES RIGHT ASCENSION
14 DEGREES, 22 MINUTES DECLINATION...
NO SIGHTING.
MM-HMM.
SIX HOURS, 19 MINUTES, RIGHT ASCENSION
14 DEGREES, 23 MINUTES DECLINATION...
NO SIGHTING.
MM-HMM.
SIX HOURS, 19 MINUTES RIGHT ASCENSION
14 DEGREES, 58 MINUTES DECLINATION...
NO SIGHTING.
DID YOU GET THAT ONE, BART?
HELL, NO.
GOOD.
MY STARS! GIVE ME THE PHONE QUICK!
CHECK OUT 6-19-14-59.
NO. NO, THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT.
IT'S ALREADY NAMED AFTER ME.
IT'S GETTING PRETTY CLOSE TO THE GROUND.
MAYBE I CAN CATCH IT.
DON'T TOUCH THE TELESCOPE, BART.
EVEN A SLIGHT CHANGE IN ELEVATION
CAN DESTROY A WHOLE MORNING'S WORK.
WHOO! ALL HANDS ON DECK!
PIRATES OFF THE PORT BOW!
HEY.
( beeping )
OBSERVATORY? THIS IS BART SIMPSON.
I SEE SOMETHING IN THE SKY AT 4-12-8
AND THE LAST NUMBER IS SEVEN.
( grunting )
AH, GOT YOU, MY RUMPY DOPPELGANGER.
I'VE GOT IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GIVE ME THAT PHONE.
Woman: Congratulations, Bart.
You've just discovered a comet.
NO!!
( eating loudly )
AND THEN I SPED AWAY
WITHOUT ANYONE SEEING MY LICENSE PLATE.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A GOOD DAY TODAY, DAD.
YEAH, EXCEPT I FORGOT TO GO TO WORK.
WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY, BART?
WHAT DIDN'T I DO?
"BOY DISCOVERS COMET."
WHAT?
"A YOUNG SPRINGFIELDIANITE
"HAS DISCOVERED A NEW COMET
TO BE KNOWN AS THE BART SIMPSON COMET."
OH, HONEY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
BUT THEN, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN PROUD OF ME.
( doubtfully ): YES.
WON'T YOU JOIN US, BART?
Bart: UH...
I GUESS SO.
AS THE FIRST STUDENT
AT SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY TO DISCOVER A COMET,
WE'RE VERY PROUD TO MAKE YOU A MEMBER
OF OUR VERY SELECT GROUP.
WELCOME TO SUPER FRIENDS.
HUH?
All: WELCOME, SUPER FRIEND.
I AM CALLED HAM SINCE I ENJOY HAM RADIO.
THIS IS E-MAIL,
COSINE,
REPORT CARD,
DATABASE,
AND LISA.
YOUR NICKNAME WILL BE COSMOS.
WELL, I'M DONE EATING. GOOD-BYE.
All: GOOD-BYE, COSMOS.
BYE-BYE.
PERHAPS SOME NIGHT YOU COULD SHOW US YOUR COMET.
THERE IT IS RIGHT THERE.
I MAKE IT A POINT NEVER TO TURN MY HEAD
UNLESS I EXPECT TO SEE SOMETHING, BART.
NATURALLY, WE CAN'T SEE YOUR COMET IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
AND WITHO A TELESCOPE.
BUT YOU DON'T NEED A STUPID TELESCOPE.
IT'S RIGHT THERE.
( all gasping )
OH, NO, NO, NO.
THIS ISN'T RIGHT AT ALL.
IT MUST BE COMING TOWARD US AT A FANTASTIC SPEED.
HUH?
DON'T YOU REALIZE
WHAT'S HAPPENING, BART?
YOUR COMET IS GONNA COLLIDE
WITH THE EARTH
AND EVERY LIVING THING IN ITS PATH WILL BE KILLED.
I KNEW YOU'D TRY TO FIND SOMETHING WRONG
WITH MY COMET, LISA.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN PETTY AND SMALL,
RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.
WE MUST ALERT THE PROPER AUTHORITIES.
TO THE OBSERVATORY!
All: WE ARE THE SUPER FRIENDS!
HEY, SHUT UP.
DEAR GOD!
WARREN, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT YOU
HOGGING THE EYEPIECE.
( air raid siren sounding )
( all gasping )
SOUNDS LIKE THE DOOMSDAY WHISTLE.
AIN'T BEEN BLOWN FOR NIGH ON TO THREE YEARS.
TSK, TSK, TSK.
TROUBLE A-BREWING.
FELLOW CITIZENS, WHEN I LEARNED
ABOUT THE IMPENDING CRISIS
I CAUGHT THE VERY NEXT PLANE TO SPRINGFELD... FIELD.
FIRST OF ALL, YES, THERE IS A COMET IN THE SKY
AND, YES, IT IS GOING TO HIT SPRINGFIELD.
YOU DON'T NEED TO APPLAUD THAT.
NOW, HERE'S WHAT WE THINK THE IMPACT MIGHT LOOK LIKE.
SHOW THEM, JERRY.
OH, DEAR GOD, NO!
FORTUNATELY, WE HAVE A PLAN.
PROFESSOR FRINK.
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND...
QUIT STALLING!
WHAT'S THE PLAN?!
JUST TAKE YOUR SEAT. JUST TAKE YOUR SEAT.
NOW, WORKING WITH FORMER CARTER ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS
AND MILITARY MEN WHO WERE FORCED INTO EARLY RETIREMENT
FOR VARIOUS REASONS WHICH WE WON'T GO INTO HERE,
WE HAVE PLANNED THIS DEFENSE FOR THE CITY.
AS THE COMET HURTLES TOWARD THE CITY
OUR ROCKET WILL INTERCEPT IT AND BLOW IT TO SMITHEREENS.
OH, DEAR GOD, NO!
AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF OUR MR. COMET.
( cheering )
( people laughing )
( taunting laughter )
WILL YOU ALL STOP WORRYING
ABOUT THAT STUPID COMET?
IT'S GOING TO BE DESTROYED.
DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT THE GUY IN THE BUILDING SAID?
BUT DAD, DON'T YOU THINK..?
AH, LISA.
THE WHOLE REASON WE HAVE ELECTED OFFICIALS
IS SO WE DON'T HAVE TO THINK ALL THE TIME.
JUST LIKE THAT RAIN FOREST SCARE A FEW YEARS BACK.
OUR OFFICIALS SAW THERE WAS A PROBLEM
AND THEY FIXED IT, DIDN'T THEY?
NO, DAD, I DON'T THINK...
THERE'S THAT WORD AGAIN.
HOMER, WHAT IF THIS DOESN'T WORK?
WELL, THEN, I HAVE A BACKUP PLAN.
SEE, WHILE THE UNPREPARED
ARE STILL SITTING AROUND
TWIDDLING THEIR THUMBS
AND GOING...
( humming )
DAD, THE PLAN!
I'M GETTING TO THAT.
SO, ANYWAY, THEY'RE GOING...
( humming )
DAD!
SO, ANYWAY, WE GET IN OUR CAR
AND TAKE THE BRIDGE OUT OF TOWN,
WHILE ALL THE WHILE, THEY'RE STILL GOING...
( humming )
DAD, THEY'RE FIRING THE ROCKET!
UH!
ALL RIGHT!
( people cheering )
( all gasping )
IT BLEW UP THE BRIDGE!
WE'RE DOOMED!
IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS
I WISH I WERE A RELIGIOUS MAN.
IT'S ALL OVER, PEOPLE!
WE DON'T HAVE A PRAYER!
( wailing )
And like Icarus
the rocket foolishly soared
TOO HIGH AND LOST CONTROL OF ITS SERVO-GUIDANCE MECHANISM
LEAVING US WITH SOME... SIX HOURS TO LIVE.
SO, LET'S GO LIVE NOW
TO THE CHARRED REMAINS OF THE ONLY BRIDGE OUT OF TOWN
WITH ARNIE PIE AND ARNIE IN THE SKY.
Arnie: With the bridge gone and the airport
unfortunately on the other side of the bridge,
a number of citizens are attempting
to jump the gorge with their cars.
IT'S A SILENT TESTAMENT TO THE "NEVER GIVE UP
AND NEVER THINK THINGS OUT" SPIRIT OF OUR CITIZENS.
WITH OUR UTTER ANNIHILATION IMMINENT
OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAS SNAPPED INTO ACTION.
WE GO LIVE NOW, VIA SATELLITE,
TO THE FLOOR OF THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS.
THEN IT IS UNANIMOUS, WE ARE GOING TO APPROVE THE BILL
TO EVACUATE THE TOWN OF SPRINGFIELD
IN THE GREAT STATE OF...
Man 2: WAIT A SECOND, I WANT TO TACK ON A RIDER
TO THAT BILL.
$30 MILLION OF TAXPAYER MONEY TO SUPPORT THE PERVERTED ARTS.
ALL IN FAVOR OF THE AMENDED SPRINGFIELD/PERVERT BILL?
( loud boos )
BILL DEFEATED.
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN:
DEMOCRACY SIMPLY DOESN'T WORK.
NOW, OVER THE YEARS
A NEWSMAN LEARNS A NUMBER OF THINGS
THAT FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER, HE JUST CANNOT REPORT.
DOESN'T SEEM TO MATTER NOW
SO THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE ARE GAY:
TURN IT OFF.
JUST A SECOND.
WHAT'S EVERYONE SO WORKED UP ABOUT?
SO THERE'S A COMET. BIG DEAL.
IT WILL BURN UP IN OUR ATMOSPHERE, AND WHAT'S EVER LEFT
WILL BE NO BIGGER THAN A CHIHUAHUA'S HEAD.
WOW, DAD, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
OF COURSE I'M RIGHT.
IF I'M NOT, MAY WE ALL BE
HORRIBLY CRUSHED FROM ABOVE SOMEHOW.
( all groaning )
OKAY, IF YOU'RE THAT WORRIED ABOUT IT
LET'S GO DOWN TO THE BOMB SHELTER.
WE HAVE A BOMB SHELTER?
HOMER SIMPSON TAKES CARE OF HIS FAMILY.
FLANDERS, OPEN UP!
HI-DEE-HO-A-ROONEY, NEIGHBOR.
WHAT CAN I DO YOU FOR?
GET OUT OF THERE.
MY FAMILY NEEDS TO USE YOUR BOMB SHELTER.
HOMER!
I KIND OF FIGURED THIS MIGHT HAPPEN.
SO I BUILT THE SHELTER BIG ENOUGH FOR BOTH OUR FAMILIES.
NO DEAL. OUT.
GET IN THE SHELTER, HOMER.
ONE MORE HOUR.
AN HOUR?
I CAN'T WAIT ANOTHER HOUR.
WHAT'S KEEPING THAT STUPID COMET?
( knock on door )
THERE IT IS.
Flanders: WELL, HOWDELY-DOODELY, NEIGHBORS.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN YOUR SHELTERINIS BY NOW?
WE HAVEN'T GOT SHELTERINIS.
WE WANT IN YOURS.
OH, WELL, SORRY.
THE SHELTER'S KIND OF FULL.
REALLY? OH.
WELL, WE'LL JUST GO OFF SOMEPLACE AND DIE THEN.
THANKS.
WAIT!
YOU KNOW, I MAY REGRET THIS WHEN OUR AIR RUNS OUT
AND WE CAN'T WHISTLE OR STAY ALIVE, BUT...
OH, WHAT THE HEY.
( all cheer )
I CAN'T... GET THE...
( groaning )
I CAN'T GET THE DOOR CLOSED.
SOMEBODY'S GOING TO HAVE TO GET OUT.
Lisa: I'D GET OUT, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.
HEY, SOMEBODY'S TOUCHING ME.
I AM.
OH, OKAY.
OKAY, LET'S FIGURE OUT WHO SHOULD STAY.
LET'S SEE. THE WORLD OF THE FUTURE WILL NEED LAUGHTER,
SO I'M IN.
AND THEY'LL NEED SOMEBODY TO DISPENSE DRINKS
I.E., ME.
AND SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO RUN THE POWER.
YOU CAN DO THAT, HOMER.
UH... YEAH.
I CAN DO THAT.
OKAY, LET'S START AGAIN.
WE'LL NEED LAUGHTER, RELIGIOUS ENLIGHTENMENT,
GOSSIP... THAT'S MRS. LOVEJOY.
WAIT A MINUTE, WE ALL KNOW THE ONE THING WE WON'T NEED IN THE FUTURE--
LEFT-HANDED STORES.
THAT'S YOU, FLANDERS.
( whispering ): I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
( aloud ): FLANDERS IS THE ONLY USELESS PERSON HERE.
IF ANYONE DIES, IT SHOULD BE HIM.
( whispering ): I'M SORRY.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
( aloud ): SO LET'S KICK FLANDERS OUT.
( whispering ): SORRY.
WELL, SIR, SOUNDS FAIR.
TOODLE-OO, EVERYBODY.
I'LL SCREAM WHEN THE COMET GETS HERE.
OH, I'M COMING WITH YOU, NEDDY.
NO, SWEETHEART.
YOU... YOU STAY HERE BECAUSE...
OKAY.
I MIGHT GO MAD WITH FEAR OUT THERE
SO, TODD, I WANT YOU TO SHOOT DADDY
IF HE TRIES TO GET BACK IN.
OKAY, DAD.
OKAY.
* QUE SERA, SERA *
* WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE
* THE FUTURE'S NOT OURS TO SEE... *
HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.
WE CAN PLAY A GAME TO PASS THE TIME.
I'LL MAKE THE SOUND OF A BARNYARD ANIMAL
AND YOU ALL TRY TO GUESS WHAT IT IS.
( clearing throat )
( guttural braying )
IT'S A PIG.
IT'S A COW, MAN.
IT'S A PONY.
NO, IT'S A GOAT.
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THEM LADY GOATS.
THERE ARE NO LADY GOATS. A LADY GOAT IS A SHEEP.
I BELIEVE SHE'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
WHAT'S IT TO YOU?
WHAT'S IT TO ME?
IT'S A PONY.
( all arguing )
STOP IT! STOP IT!
CAN'T YOU SEE THIS BARNYARD NOISE GUESSING GAME
IS TEARING US APART?
Flanders: * QUE SERA, SERA *
* WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE...
SAY, MOE, WAS IT A DUCK?
( all arguing again )
NO, NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
STOP IT, STOP IT!
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
I CAN'T LET THAT BRAVE MAN OUT THERE DIE ALONE.
I'M SURPRISED AND DISGUSTED BY ALL OF YOU.
ESPECIALLY HIS CHILDREN.
I'M GOING OUT THERE.
AND IT WAS A BABY OX.
HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
Skinner: ABOUT THE OX?
ABOUT EVERYTHING, DAMN IT!
HEY, HOMER, WAIT UP.
I WANT TO DIE TOO.
IF YOU ARE GOING, I AM GOING.
ME TOO.
( all agreeing to go )
* WHEN I WAS JUST A LITTLE GIRL *
* I ASKED MY MOTHER
* WHAT WILL I BE?
* WILL I BE PRETTY, WILL I BE RICH? *
* HERE'S WHAT SHE SAID TO ME
All: * QUE SERA, SERA *
* WHATEVER WILL BE
* WILL BE
* THE FUTURE'S NOT OURS TO SEE
* QUE SERA... *
RUN!
LOOK!
IT'S BREAKING UP!
COOL.
WE'RE SAVED.
( all cheering )
SURE MAKES YOU APPRECIATE
THE PRECIOUSNESS OF LIFE.
LET'S GO BURN DOWN THE OBSERVATORY
SO THIS'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
( all agreeing )
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT EXTRA-THICK LAYER OF POLLUTION
THAT I'VE ACTUALLY PICKETED AGAINST IS WHAT BURNED UP THE COMET.
WHAT'S REALLY AMAZING
IS THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT DAD SAID WOULD HAPPEN.
YEAH.
DAD WAS RIGHT.
I KNOW, KIDS.
I'M SCARED TOO.
( all shuddering )
SHH.