( bell ringing )
( playing the blues )
D-OHH!
( screams )
GO, TOOTHPASTE, GO!
MOVE YOUR PASTY WHITE BUTT.
COME ON, SHAMPOO! YOU CAN DO IT!
YAY! I WON YOUR STUPID
BATHROOM PRODUCTS RACE.
NO FAIR, YOU ONLY WON
'CAUSE YOU HAD THE INSIDE TRACK.
IF THE WATER WAS SPINNING THE OTHER WAY...
IT NEVER SPINS THE OTHER WAY.
IN THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE
WATER ALWAYS DRAINS COUNTERCLOCKWISE.
IT'S CALLED THE CORIOLIS EFFECT.
NO WAY.
WATER DOESN'T OBEY YOUR RULES.
IT GOES WHERE IT WANTS.
LIKE ME, BABE.
YES, BART.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT AND SEE?
I KNOW I'VE SEEN IT GO THE OTHER WAY.
AH...
FAITHFUL TOILET.
YOU'LL PROVE ME RIGHT.
( groaning )
UH. UH.
UH, UH, UH.
* I'M A-SINGIN' IN THE SHOW... OW! OW-OOH!
HOT! YEAH! COLD!
NO! HOT! COLD! HOT!
OH! WHO'S! DOING! THAT?!
UH! UH! UH, UH, UH!
OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE, BART, USE THE PLUNGER!
BART, WATER WILL ONLY GO THE OTHER WAY
IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE?
HAVEN'T YOU EVER LOOKED AT YOUR GLOBE?
SEE, THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE IS MADE UP OF
EVERYTHING BELOW THE EQUA...
THIS LINE.
HMM.
SO DOWN THERE IN, SAY... ARGENTINA,
OR RAND McNALLY,
ALL THEIR WATER RUNS BACKWARDS?
MM-HMM. IN FACT, IN RAND McNALLY
THEY WEAR HATS ON THEIR FEET
AND HAMBURGERS EAT PEOPLE.
COOL.
( phone ringing )
Bart: Hello, Southern Hemisphere?
Which way does the water go in your toilet?
JUST A MINUTE, I'LL CHECK.
AH, NUTS.
PLEASE TO REPEAT AGAIN AND I WILL TRANSLATING
FOR THE EL PRESIDENTE.
Which way does the water turn in your toilet?
DICE QUE EL CURSO ESTA CAMBIANDO.
AY, CARAMBA!
LOS INSURGENTES YA VAN A CAPTURAR LA CAPITAL.
NECESITO HUIR.
AY!
( crashing )
I CAN'T GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER
OUT OF THIS CRAZY HEMISPHERE.
( phone ringing )
EINE MINUTEN, EINE MINUTEN.
ACH! DAS WAGENFONE EST EINE NUISANCEFONE.
BUENAS NOCHES, MEIN FUHRER.
JA, JA.
( ringing )
( screaming )
BART, YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY CALL THESE PLACES.
DON'T YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE
INTERNATIONAL CALLS ARE?
HELLO, OPERATOR.
I'D LIKE TO MAKE A COLLECT CALL TO...
AUSTRALIA.
( phone ringing )
Woman: This is the international operator.
Will you accept a collect call from...
( deep voice ): UH, YES, THIS IS DR. BART SIMPSON
OF THE INTERNATIONAL DRAINAGE COMMISSION.
IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
IF IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
WE UNDERSTAND SOME DRAINS IN YOUR AREA
HAVE BEEN MALFUNCTIONING,
SUCKING IN PEOPLE AND WHATNOT.
WILLIKERS. THAT'S AWFUL.
INDEED.
WE NEED YOU TO CHECK YOUR SINKS AND TOILETS
AND TELL US WHICH WAY THE WATER IS GOING.
AND PLEASE-- STAND CLEAR.
( flushing )
( more flushing )
THE FIXTURES...
THEY'RE ALL DRAINING CLOCKWISE, SIR.
OH. SHE WAS RIGHT.
STUPID LISA, SCIENCE QUEEN.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHECK YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DRAINS.
I'LL HOLD.
HEY, BART.
THE BAKERY CAUGHT FIRE
AND ALL OF DOWNTOWN SMELLS LIKE COOKIES.
WANT TO GO SMELL?
YES.
YES, I DO.
Hello. Sir? Sir?
I've returned from the Koolamugery's place.
They're draining clockwise too.
DRAINING?
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.
Are we in any dange..?
BURKINA FASO? DISPUTED ZONE?
WHO CALLED ALL THESE WEIRD PLACES?
QUIET. IT MIGHT BE YOU.
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
NO, I'M GONNA ASK MARGE.
NO, NO. WHY EMBARRASS US BOTH?
JUST WRITE A CHECK AND I'LL RELEASE SOME MORE ENDORPHINS.
( sighs )
900 DOLLAR-ADOOS!?
TOBIAS!
DID YOU ACCEPT
A SIX-HOUR COLLECT CALL FROM THE STATES?
IT WAS AN EMERGENCY CALL
FROM THE INTERNATIONAL DRAINAGE COMMISSION IN SPRINGFIELD.
OH, MY GOD!
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE BIDET, IS THERE?
( phone ringing )
HELLO?
RIGHT, I'M CALLING ALL THE WAY
FROM SQUATTERS CRAG, AUSTRALIA.
AND I WANT TO SPEAK TO... DR. BART SIMPSON RIGHT NOW.
UH... HOLD, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT, BUT I DON'T...
( deep voice ): PAYROLL, BURT STANTON SPEAKING.
OI. I SAID BART SIMPSON.
WHAT KIND OF A COMPANY IS THIS?
( falsetto ): BART SIMPSON'S OFFICE.
THANK THE GREAT GOOD LORD.
LOOK, I WAS JUST SAY...
( falsetto ): ONE MOMENT PLEASE.
( falsetto humming )
WHO DO THEY THINK I AM?
SOME STUPID AUSSIE DRONGO?
BLEEDIN' YANKS. I OUGHT TO...
( deep voice ): THIS IS BART SIMPSON.
CAN I HELP YOU, MA'AM?
YEAH-- HEY! MY NAME IS BRUNO DRUNDRIDGE, RIGHT?
YOU OWE ME $900, MATE.
NO, YOU OWE ME $900.
I... YOU... OHH...
YOU'RE JUST SOME PUNK KID AREN'T YOU?
YOU PICKED THE WRONG GUY TO TANGLE WITH HERE, MATE.
( snickering )
I DON'T THINK SO.
YOU'RE ALL THE WAY IN AUSTRALIA.
HEY, I THINK I HEAR
A DINGO EATING YOUR BABY.
YEAH, WELL... OOH!
OH. AH. THAT'S IT.
I'M GOING TO REPORT THIS TO ME MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT.
HEY! GUS!
I GOT SOMETHING TO REPORT TO YOU.
THAT'S A BLOODY OUTRAGE, IT IS.
I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS ALL THE WAY
TO THE PRIME MINISTER.
HEY! MR. PRIME MINISTER!
ANDY!
HI, MATES! WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD?
"MR. SIMPSON, BLAH BLAH.
MISREPRESENTATION OVER A TELEPHONE, YADDA YADDA.
SINCERELY, SOME AUSTRALIAN JERK."
UH! UH!
HEY! I NEED THAT.
OFFICE OF THE SOLICITOR GENERAL?
OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER?
HOPPING MAD COLLECTION AGENCY?
WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF?
NOTHING. SOME STUPID COUNTRY
THINKS I OWE THEM MONEY.
UH-OH. BART, YOU BETTER TALK
TO MOM AND DAD ABOUT THIS.
HEY, GUYS. JUST SO YOU DON'T HEAR ANY WILD RUMORS--
I'M BEING INDICTED FOR FRAUD IN AUSTRALIA.
THAT'S NO REASON TO BLOCK THE TV.
OH, MY.
BART, DID YOU TRICK AN AUSTRALIAN BOY
INTO ACCEPTING A $900 COLLECT CALL?
YES'M.
HMM...
THERE IT IS, "AUS-TRAL-IA."
I'LL BE DAMNED.
LOOK AT THIS COUNTRY-- "U-AR-GAY."
( doorbell ringing )
OH, MY. HELLO.
I'M EVAN CONNIVER WITH THE U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT.
"UNDERSECRETARY FOR INTERNATIONAL PROTOCOL--
BRAT AND PUNK DIVISION"?
UNFORTUNATELY, BART, YOUR LITTLE ESCAPADE
COULD NOT HAVE COME AT A WORSE TIME.
AMERICO-AUSTRALIAN-IAN RELATIONS ARE AT AN ALL-TIME LOW.
AS I'M SURE YOU REMEMBER IN THE LATE 1980s
THE U.S. EXPERIENCED
A SHORT-LIVED INFATUATION
WITH AUSTRALIAN CULTURE.
FOR SOME BIZARRE REASON
THE AUSSIES THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A PERMANENT THING.
OF COURSE IT WASN'T.
I KNOW THOSE WORDS
BUT THAT SIGN MAKES NO SENSE.
ANYWAY, THE DOWN-UNDER FAD FIZZLED
AND THE DIPLOMATIC CLIMATE TURNED ABSOLUTELY FROSTY.
OOPS.
LET'S PRETEND WE DIDN'T SEE THAT.
AND BART'S CHILDISH TAUNTING AGITATED THE AUSSIES FURTHER.
OH, HE'LL AGITATE YOU.
HO, HO, HE SURE WILL.
( laughing )
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?
WELL, IT'S TOO LATE TO MERELY PAY BACK THE MONEY.
BUT AS A SIGN OF GOOD FAITH TO OUR AUSTRALIAN "FRIENDS"
WE'D LIKE TO IMPRISON BART FOR FIVE YEARS.
THAT'S TOUGH BUT FAIR.
BOY, GO WITH THE MAN.
NO, NO, NO! NO.
I'M NOT GONNA HAVE MY SON GO TO JAIL
OVER SOME SILLY TIFF WITH AUSTRALIA.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND SOME OTHER
COUNTRY TO HAVE RELATIONS WITH.
YOU'RE SURE NOW?
THE PRISON TRAIN IS SAILING.
OKAY. I'M NOT HEARING A LOT OF SUPPORT FOR PRISON.
THERE IS ONE OTHER OPTION.
THEY'LL DROP THE CHARGES
IF BART MAKES A PUBLIC APOLOGY IN AUSTRALIA.
ALL BART HAS TO DO IS APOLOGIZE
AND WE GET A FREE TRIP TO AUSTRALIA?
MM-HMM.
I CAN HANDLE THAT.
I'M AN EXPERT AT PHONY APOLOGIES.
BART!
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S BETTER.
( groans )
UH, WE LEFT AT 1:30 P.M. MONDAY.
WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?
IT'S 6:45 A.M. NEXT WEDNESDAY.
YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED TO KNOW
THAT'S IT'S SUMMER HERE, NOT WINTER.
( groans )
WHAT DOES THAT SIGN SAY?
I THOUGHT THEY SPOKE ENGLISH IN THIS COUNTRY.
IT SAYS YOU CAN'T BRING IN
OUTSIDE PLANTS OR ANIMALS.
"ANY FOREIGN CREATURE YOU BRING IN
COULD UPSET THE ENVIRONMENTAL BALANCE."
OH.
SORRY, GIRL.
I DON'T WANT TO GET IN ANY MORE TROUBLE DOWN HERE.
I'LL PICK YOU UP ON THE WAY HOME.
( croaks )
HEY! ARE YOU LIKE ONE OF THOSE ENGLISH GUARDS
WHO CAN'T LAUGH OR SMILE OR ANYTHING?
* LA-DA LA-DA-DA
( jabbering gibberish )
OW!
NO, SIR!
U.S. MARINE CORPS, SIR!
OH, YEAH.
THIS IS THE LIFE.
BOY, NEXT SUMMER, CAN YOU COMMIT
SOME FRAUD IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA?
I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU, DAD.
KNOCK.
SIMPSONS, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET OUR AMBASSADOR,
THE HONORABLE AVRIL WARD.
HELLO. NOW, EVERYTHING IS ALL SET FOR BART'S APOLOGY.
MR. CONNIVER WILL MEET YOU AT THE PARLIAMENT HOUSE AT 3:00 PM.
ANY QUESTIONS?
YEAH. DO THE TOILETS GO BACKWARDS IN HERE?
NO. TO COMBAT HOMESICKNESS WE'VE INSTALLED
A DEVICE THAT MAKES THEM SWIRL
THE CORRECT AMERICAN WAY.
* ...SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY, OF THEE I SING. *
HEY, G.I. JOE, YOUR SIGN'S BROKEN.
WE'RE ALREADY IN AUSTRALIA.
ACTUALLY, SIR! THE EMBASSY IS CONSIDERED AMERICAN SOIL, SIR!
REALLY?
LOOK, BOY. NOW I'M IN AUSTRALIA.
NOW I'M IN AMERICA. AUSTRALIA. AMERICA.
I GET IT, DAD. AUSTRALIA.
AMERICA, AUSTRALIA.
HOMER, THAT'S ENOUGH.
AMERICA, AUSTRALIA... OW!
HERE IN AMERICA, WE DON'T TOLERATE THAT KIND OF CRAP, SIR!
"AUSTRALIA WAS ORIGINALLY FOUNDED
AS A SETTLEMENT FOR BRITISH CONVICTS."
HMM, LISA, WATCH YOUR CAMERA.
( grumbling )
YOU CALL THAT A KNIFE?
THIS IS A KNIFE.
THAT'S NOT A KNIFE. THAT'S A SPOON.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. YOU WIN.
I SEE YOU'VE PLAYED KNIFEY-SPOONY BEFORE.
HEY, GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE FAMOUS GIANT BEERS
I HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT.
SOMETHING WRONG, YANK?
NO. IT'S PRETTY BIG, I GUESS.
I'LL JUST HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE.
BEER IT IS.
NO. I SAID COFFEE.
BEER?
COF-FEE.
BE-ER?
C-O...
B-E...
WE'LL MEET YOU BOYS BACK HERE FOR DINNER.
GOOD LUCK, HONEY.
MMM...
BART, I'M SORRY I'M GONNA MISS
YOUR PUBLIC HUMILIATION.
BUT THE WOOLUMBALOO DIRT MONUMENT
IS JUST TOO EXCITING TO PASS UP.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
THIS SESSION WILL NOW COME TO ORDER.
WITH THE COOPERATION OF THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF STATE
WE HAVE PRESENT TODAY ONE BART SIMPSON.
( murmuring )
I BELIEVE HE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY.
BART?
( clearing throat )
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I DID TO YOUR COUNTRY.
VERY GOOD.
WELL, YOU'RE FREE TO GO, BART...
RIGHT AFTER YOUR ADDITIONAL PUNISHMENT.
PUNISHMENT?
WELL, A MERE APOLOGY
WOULD BE BIT EMPTY, EH?
LET THE BOOTING BEGIN.
BOOTING?
AW, IT'S JUST
A LITTLE KICK IN THE BUM.
( pounding )
UH-OH.
WHAT KIND OF A SICK COUNTRY WOULD KICK SOMEONE
WITH A GIANT BOOT?
MR. SIMPSON, SHH.
DISPARAGING THE BOOT IS A BOOTABLE OFFENSE.
IT'S ONE OF THEIR PROUDEST TRADITIONS.
YOU SOLD US OUT, CONNIVER!
( gasping )
OOH!
STAY BACK OR I'LL BOOT YOUR PRIME MINISTER.
I'LL DO IT!
SO HELP ME GOD, I'LL BOOT HIM!
HE MEANS IT.
WHEN WILL YOU AUSTRALIANS LEARN?
IN AMERICA, WE STOPPED USING CORPORAL PUNISHMENT
AND THINGS HAVE NEVER BEEN BETTER.
THE STREETS ARE SAFE.
OLD PEOPLE STRUT CONFIDENTLY THROUGH THE DARKEST ALLEYS
AND THE WEAK AND NERDY ARE ADMIRED
FOR THEIR COMPUTER PROGRAMMING ABILITIES.
SO, LIKE US, LET YOUR CHILDREN RUN WILD AND FREE.
BECAUSE AS THE OLD SAYING GOES:
"LET YOUR CHILDREN RUN WILD AND FREE."
NOW, BOY, RUN BACK TO THE EMBASSY.
BACK TO AMERICAN SOIL.
YAH!
I'LL STOP THEM.
OH, NO. IT'S COMING BACK THIS WAY.
THAT THROWING STICK STUNT OF YOURS
HAS BOOMERANGED ON US.
HEY. WE CAN GET AWAY IN THEIR POUCHES.
EEW! IT'S NOT LIKE IN CARTOONS.
YEAH, THERE'S A LOT MORE MUCUS.
MOM, YOU SAID I COULD HAVE ONE SOUVENIR, RIGHT?
WELL, I WANT A DIDGERIDOO.
( deep, bellowing sound )
( groans )
THAT SEEMS VERY NOISY AND EXPENSIVE FOR A SOUVENIR.
HMM?
WHY DON'T YOU GET THIS NICE CAP?
IT'S CLEVER, JUST LIKE YOU.
HUH?
HMM?
GET OUT. GET OUT.
SHOO, SHOO.
GET OUT OF HERE.
THESE BLOODY THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE.
THEY'RE IN THE LIFT, IN THE LORRY,
IN THE BOND WIZARD,
AND ALL OVER THE MALANGA GILDACHUCK.
THEY'RE LIKE KANGAROOS
BUT THEY'RE REPTILES, THEY IS.
WE HAVE THEM IN AMERICA, THEY'RE CALLED BULLFROGS.
WHAT?! THAT'S AN ODD NAME.
I'D HAVE CALLED THEM CHASWASSERS.
( siren wailing )
L-ISA!
M-ARGE!
( shouting )
OH, THE SIMPSONS.
WELL, THEY'RE NOT GETTING BACK IN HERE.
OH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR GOVERNMENT
WOULD SET UP BART LIKE THAT.
I MUST SAY, I'M VERY ANGRY
AT THE STATE DEPARTMENT RIGHT NOW.
YES, BUT SHH.
MRS. SIMPSON, PLEASE.
WE'RE ABOUT TO REACH A BREAKTHROUGH
WITH THE AUSSIES.
THEN IT'S AGREED.
DURING THE BARGAINING SESSION
WE EACH GET TWO CANDIED APPLES.
ALL RIGHT. ONE CANDIED AND ONE CARAMEL.
FOR THE LOVE OF CRIMINY.
GIVE ME THAT.
I KNOW BART DID SOMETHING WRONG, BUT HE'S MY SON
AND I'M GOING TO PUNISH HIM MYSELF.
OUR COUNTRIES MAY HAVE THEIR DIFFERENCES
BUT AS HUMAN BEINGS
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THERE'S NO SUBSTITUTE
FOR THE DISCIPLINE OF A LOVING PARENT.
HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
Y-ELLO.
MM-HMM.
SO WE'RE IN AGREEMENT.
SHE WON'T BE ALLOWED NEAR THE PHONE AGAIN.
WE DID IT.
WE'VE WORKED OUT A COMPROMISE
THAT WILL ALLOW BOTH NATIONS TO SAVE FACE.
WE'VE ARGUED THEM DOWN TO A BOOTING.
WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!
THE PRIME MINISTER JUST WANTS
TO KICK YOU ONCE THROUGH THE GATE
WITH A REGULAR SHOE.
I BELIEVE IT'S A WING-TIP.
NO DEAL.
THIS IS MY SON WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
SURE, HE'S NOT PERFECT
BUT WHO IS IN THIS WORK-A-DAY WORLD?
NO, MOM. WAIT.
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO BEND OVER
AND RECEIVE MY DESTINY.
THANK YOU, BART.
I PROMISE I WON'T
MAKE FUN OF YOU LATER FOR THIS.
SHOW THEM WHAT AMERICAN BUTTS
ARE MADE OF, SON.
THAT'S IT, LAD.
THIS IS FOR THE COMMONWEALTH OF AUSTRALIA.
AND THIS IS FOR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
( humming "Star Spangled Banner" )
I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY, HONEY,
BUT I WISH YOU'D CHOSEN A MORE TASTEFUL WAY
TO BE PATRIOTIC.
I'M IMPRESSED YOU WERE ABLE TO WRITE SO LEGIBLY
ON YOUR OWN BUTT.
ALL RIGHT, MATES.
LET HIM HAVE IT!
( shouting )
HEY, DO WE GET TO LAND ON AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER?
NO, SIR. THE CLOSEST VESSEL IS THE U.S.S. WALTER MONDALE.
IT'S A LAUNDRY SHIP.
THEY'LL TAKE YOU THE REST OF THE WAY.
( croaking )
HEY, LOOK.
THOSE FROGS ARE EATING ALL THEIR CROPS.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU INTRODUCE FOREIGN SPECIES
INTO AN ECOSYSTEM THAT CAN'T HANDLE THEM.
( didgeridoo buzzes )